Leaving toddler in stable home for a few months... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 02:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, the husband and I separated last year and are now divorcing. He just deployed today, so he's gone for the next 7 or 8 months. And I also have a boyfriend on the same ship as him, so for the time they are gone I am going to live with friends in louisiana. I was having issues with deciding on whether to take my DD or not, but I've gone back to my original decision which was to take my daughter with me cus no one else should be raising my daughter but me and my ex... and since he's gone it'll be me. The only reason I ever changed it was because my ex kept pressuring me to leave her when I left and I kept saying no until he talked about how great she was doing with his girlfriend. This made me feel inadequate as a mother... like I didn't know what I was doing. And maybe I don't. But it's my job to learn as her mother. My biggest fear is that if I left her she would grow to resent me. So I don't want to do that to her.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
#2 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 03:08 AM
 
Theia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,948
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know you are asking for support, but I wanted to ask if you have considered the legal precedent you would be setting by leaving your toddler with a legal stranger as her only caregiver with her Father being deployed? Have you thought about what you would do when you return to get your daughter? If you tried to regain physical custody after a long absence and it was disputed, you wouldn't have much of a case. I would certainly at least have a legal consult before doing this. This woman is your Husbands girlfriend. No way would I leave my toddler with people she isn't related to by blood or law as long as I have a breath in my lung.

It is your choice, and I don't know you or your situation, so there is no judgement. PPD is hard, I've had it also. In my case I know it clouded my judgement, and I would hope that a friend would speak to me about making a major decision such as this so that it would be clear in my head what I am doing not only for the next few months, but also how my present actions could effect the next several years.
Theia is offline  
#3 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 03:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know about the legal issues. The ex and I have talked bout them. We're planning on giving her temporary power of attorney for the dates he and I will be gone. I wouldn't just leave her without that. Plus she will need to be able to put my daughter in daycare for a few hours every day when she works. It's the same daycare her kids go to, but without eh power of attorney she can't do that. The Ex told me the paralegal he's been talking to says she can do it for $95. But that seems expensive to me. I'm looking to see if there's a less expensive way to do that.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
#4 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 03:22 AM
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 12,048
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
understand why you want her safe while you get your act together, but it just doesnt seem like a good idea in this case
Posted via Mobile Device

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is online now  
#5 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 03:22 AM
 
PGTlatte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Chicago far NWS
Posts: 1,991
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If your STBXDH wants custody of your daughter, it seems to me this may set him up to win it.

IMO you should not do this without first consulting your own divorce attorney. Legally there is much more to consider that just giving his girlfriend power of attorney. You could end up giving up way more than just a few months with your daughter.

DS1 March 2003DS2 Sept 2005,
and 3 , in our happy secular
PGTlatte is offline  
#6 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:01 AM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,784
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)
mama sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

i wish you all the best in taking care of yourself and healing.

it is wonderful to know that your dd will be taken care of well.

and that once you have taken care of things you can come back to recreate your relationship with your dd.

to be completely honest i cant imagine doing what you are doing. but then i am not in your set of circumstances.

i am so sorry. PPD AND divorce are the hardest thing to go thru. i cant even imagine the pain.

i am involved with a lot of teenagers around me. surprisingly quite a few of them are building up a relationship with their 'dead beat' dads and moms they have just got into contact with (not implying that that's what you are). and while they are trying to figure themselves out, i am so delighted to see the close relationship the teens have with their
custodial parent. so you can come back and start your relationship with your dd.

take good care of yourself mama.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
#7 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 11:39 AM
 
Avani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,958
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't see how it is good for any child to not have a mama or a papa. To lose first her dad for months and now her mom. I can't imagine how traumatizing that could be. I can see the postives in living in a stable environment but you are talking about leaving your child with your ex's girlfriend. As in your toddler wouldn't have either of her parents and would be in the care of not your ex's wife but girlfriend. What if they break up or what if she finds someone else while he is deployed. What happens to your baby? What if she ups and leaves with your toddler?
Avani is offline  
#8 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 11:51 AM
 
confustication's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 2,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it would be better for you to work on creating the stability your child needs from you than it would be for you to pass that off to your ex's girlfriend to create. I just can't fathom how that is the best thing for the child. It seems to me that you need to empower yourself to be a stable and strong mama- create the stability and support you need in your own life- and share that strength with her.

PPD is hard, and it really *really* messes with your judgment, and I think you're very much in that fight or flight mode here, and it's not leading you to make really good choices....
confustication is offline  
#9 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 11:59 AM
 
~Charlie's~Angel~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,505
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I dont belong chiming in, but I just couldnt help myself.

I agree with atleast the last two PPs. I dont think leaving your daughter with anyone is going to be beneficial for her, whether it seems that way or not. Leaving her with anyone other then her mother is a slippery slope. This time its to get your head on straight, maybe next time its because you dont have as much money as they do, and then next time its because you found a job farther away from her dad. Before you know it, you are just walking in and our of her life. My grandmother did this to my mother and her siblings. A couple of them have serious issues as adults, and alot of it stems from Grandma just coming and going. If you are looking at her empty crib and bawling from guilt, (and yoiur dd is just a couple months older then my youngest, I can only immagine what that would feel like) to me, that is your mama instinct telling you she BELONGS WITH YOU.
~Charlie's~Angel~ is offline  
#10 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 12:15 PM
 
Plaid Leopard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 2,618
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry I am crashing - saw this in new posts.

I believe that most children would choose to stay with their mother in a bit of chaos (assuming that she is fit to parent the child ie no drug/alcohol or mental health issues that would make it dangerous for the child) than have stability with their father's girlfirend. And I would imagine that part of the reason that she is doing well now is that she still has you around and sees you on a fairly regular basis.

And what will happen in a few months when she has gotten used to the stability, this other mother figure, this other family, and then the mother that left returns and takes her away from a situation that she has finally adjusted to?

I realize that you are going through a difficult time, but I am not sure that leaving your dd for several months will help you to get over PPD or be beneficial to your dd.

No judgment from me, just concern and hopes that you can find the best situation for you and your little one.
Plaid Leopard is offline  
#11 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 02:14 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think you need to work to make an environment that will work for your dd.
PoppyMama is offline  
#12 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:07 PM
 
Avani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,958
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Also, would like to add that if you do have PPD then you should seek medical help and find a therapist who can help you to recreate your sacred bond with your daughter. PPD can cause a mother to feel disconnected from her child and instead of running away feeling worthless as a mother please get help ASAP so that you can feel like a good mama and be there for your baby.
Avani is offline  
#13 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:18 PM
 
Grace and Granola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 1,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by confustication View Post
I think it would be better for you to work on creating the stability your child needs from you than it would be for you to pass that off to your ex's girlfriend to create. I just can't fathom how that is the best thing for the child. It seems to me that you need to empower yourself to be a stable and strong mama- create the stability and support you need in your own life- and share that strength with her.

PPD is hard, and it really *really* messes with your judgment, and I think you're very much in that fight or flight mode here, and it's not leading you to make really good choices....


If it were for a couple of weeks maybe, but no way a few months. How will you feel when you come back several months from now and she is so attached to this other woman and her family? Who will she call mama while you're away? This scenario seems like you are just setting yourself up to eventually walk away from your daughter. I would urge you to cling to her as your family. You can get through all of this together.

Heather-- I'm a <>< SAHM of two fabulous boys 8/05 and 2/07
Grace and Granola is offline  
#14 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:21 PM
 
ASusan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Many (most?) of the adults in DH's family spent time between early infancy and school age with extended family (back in their home country) while their parents stayed in the US because of jobs. ALL of those children are now fully-functioning adults with no "issues."

I post that here not because it is directly relevant to your situation, but I expect that in the mothering community, there would be very few who would be supportive of extended, non-parental care. In my DH's situation, it was extended family (g'parents, aunts, cousins) who did the care, which makes it significantly different than your situation, IMO. But, the children did spend time - from months to years, sometimes summers when they were school-aged - away from their parents, and turned out just fine.

DS, 10/07. Allergies: peanut, egg, wheat. We've added dairy back in. And taken it back out again. It causes sandpaper skin with itchy patches and thrashing during sleep. Due w/ #2 late April, 2012.

ASusan is offline  
#15 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:26 PM
 
4Blessings's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: At the arena
Posts: 969
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No way, no how.

Get the "new" man out of your life and seek treatment for your PPD. Your focus needs to be on yourself and your child. Not your friends who need help with a project or another man on a ship. Not the people you've upset in Seattle.

You and your child.

Homeschooling mama of four fantastic kids and wife to one great guy.
4Blessings is offline  
#16 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 04:28 PM
 
poppan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 582
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm chiming in from the child's viewpoint. I was a lot older than your daughter when my parents left me. I even participated in the decision. Yet it haunts me still as an adult. I had abandonment issues all through my teens and early 20s. I can't speak to another person's experience and whether it's better or worse when it happens at a younger age, or for a shorter time (mine was permanent, not temporary). But for myself I really struggled with feeling unlovable. That not even my parents, especially my mother, chose me over the new life, the new job, etc.

Poppan ~ twins born April 2007
poppan is offline  
#17 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, i'm seriously reconsidering this. If it hurts even half as much as it does to leave her for a few days, how will I be able to bear a few months? I told the ex forget it, i'm taking the baby with me. Better mom or not that baby is still mine to raise not hers.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
#18 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 06:15 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,957
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You don't have to "deserve" your child or be a perfect mom. You are her mother. There's a connection there that is more important than anything else. If you truly think that you cannot care for her, then for her, it's best to leave her where she's safe, but it doesn't sound like that to me. It sounds like you need to forgive yourself for your imperfections and become as good of a mother as you can.

You don't have to justify it to anyone. I'm more stable than my brother. Does that mean that he should give his child to me? NO. Should he have to explain to me why he's not giving his child to me? Same thing with you. It's your child and you don't have to justify keeping her.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#19 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 06:44 PM
 
goodygumdrops's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,801
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Don't leave your baby. My mother did this to me and my father left me with my grandparents when I was two. He left me with them for six months, while he divorced my mom and generally cleaned up loose ends. My mother then did not participate in my life until recently, and that's questionable. I would say that it doesn't matter if there is chaos, you should bring your daughter with you. Don't get me wrong, if there is abuse or neglect on your part, then it's not a good idea. But it doesn't sound like that's the case. Also, I know how oppressive that ppd is...I had it too in Seattle. The weather combined with major depression can really affect your perspective. If you are not taking SSRI's, than I would highly recommend getting on something to help ease the burden of ppd while your going through this. Once things settle a bit, you might wean off.


Good luck.

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
goodygumdrops is offline  
#20 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 06:54 PM
 
MPJJJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I'm Positively thinking Positive!
Posts: 3,326
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
why can't you take your dd with you to lousiana? your x's girlfriend has no place in your dd's life. She is not married to him, she has made no commitment to either him or your dd. it seems to me that you are eager to get rid of your dd, that she has become a burdon to you, and that is very sad. I have been living with my partner for a year now, and he wants to move to another state very much, but I have made it clear that if my ex fights me and I cannot take my kids out of this state, then I am not leaving. Even if my DP goes without me, and we are no longer together. That will break my heart, just absolutely devestate me. But I refuse to abandon my children, and neither should you. Your dd will hate you when she is old enough to understand that her mommy left her so that she could hang out with old friends. She is a toddler, anything that gf is doing, you can do too, and should do, because YOUR daughter deserves that.
MPJJJ is offline  
#21 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 07:39 PM
 
LorenaAZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4Blessings View Post
No way, no how.

Get the "new" man out of your life and seek treatment for your PPD. Your focus needs to be on yourself and your child. Not your friends who need help with a project or another man on a ship. Nor the people you've upset in Seattle.

You and your child.
Agree 100%
LorenaAZ is online now  
#22 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 07:58 PM
 
PoppyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In my own delusions.
Posts: 3,305
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm a little concerned for both you and your little one. Are you getting help for your pdd? It sounds like things have been rough for you and having gotten pdd was certainly not in your control but getting treatment and caring for you child is your responsibility. You said that your life was too chaotic for your dd to be well and that is something that's your responsibility to fix. People replied with recommendations to keep your dd with you for her well being but your reply was about your well being.
Posted via Mobile Device
PoppyMama is offline  
#23 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 10:25 PM
 
Anna's Lovey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 215
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've had a lot of depression issues throughout my life and I've done a LOT of relocating thinking I would feel better in a new situation. It NEVER helped me more than just temporarily. It's really not a good idea to make major changes when you are depressed. As other people are posting: make sure you get the help you need. That's the only thing that will change things. Cognitive behavioral therapy groups did wonders for me.
Anna's Lovey is offline  
#24 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 10:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I actually am on SSRI's and have been receiving treatment from my doctor. The only thing that's really helped me in the past with depression is surrounding me with a good support system... and I just don't have it up here.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
#25 of 56 Old 07-16-2010, 11:38 PM
 
Theia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,948
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mama, I am glad to hear that you are seriously reconsidering leaving your DD. It is easy as parents, especially single parents, to feel that someone else might be giving our DC the kind of life that we would like to give them. But children are so resilient, you and your DD will create a stronger bond through overcoming these challenges rather than if you leave her. You don't have to be a perfect parent, you only have to be her strong mother willing to do whatever it takes to provide AS BEST AS YOU CAN and not judge yourself by the standards of another. It is great that your DD has a stable place to go when she is not in your care, but in your care is where she belongs when her Father is not available.

Last year I was homeless for 10 months with my toddler going to different shelters as I escaped an abusive relationship. My toddler adjusted remarkably well to all the chaos of moving around then, and now in our own stable home, she is exactly what you would expect from a nearly 3yo.
Theia is offline  
#26 of 56 Old 07-17-2010, 12:01 AM
 
Jyotsna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Right here!
Posts: 1,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
never leave a child.

Vegetarian Hindu, mother to L,P and R. 
Jyotsna is offline  
#27 of 56 Old 07-17-2010, 12:06 AM
 
*MamaJen*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 5,357
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by funfunkyfantastic View Post
I actually am on SSRI's and have been receiving treatment from my doctor. The only thing that's really helped me in the past with depression is surrounding me with a good support system... and I just don't have it up here.
I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to move with your child to a place where you had a better support system. And yeah, I know a lot of people who think Seattle is a really depressing place. But my recommendation would be to keep your child with you, and do the things you do to get your life stable, for yourself and your child.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
*MamaJen* is offline  
#28 of 56 Old 07-17-2010, 12:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you Theia, your words are touching.

Here's a little example of what i've been dealing with from the ex. He sure like to try to pack on the guilt! Here's what he wrote in reply about me not leaving my baby:

Quote:
I just didn't want abby missing all the opportunities and learning she'll get
with her brothers. She is learning sign language, Spanish, and is eating more,
saying more, and doing more, because of the examples her brothers set.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
#29 of 56 Old 07-17-2010, 12:16 AM
 
MissLotus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,212
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sign language, Spanish, whatever - your child would be more damaged by her mother's absence than her brothers' absence. The thing that will mean the most to her one day is if you make her the priority.

She needs you.
MissLotus is offline  
#30 of 56 Old 07-17-2010, 12:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
funfunkyfantastic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Lynnwood, WA
Posts: 1,685
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
and the funny thing is they aren't really her brothers... just his girlfriend's kids.

Rachel lady.gif, in love with my baby girl Abigailenergy.gifborn 9/17/08!
funfunkyfantastic is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off