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#1 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 12:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i know the whole situation is unreasonable but bear with me. My lawyer and I offered ex a week for the summer back in May and he responded in late June with several ex parte hearings to try and get half of the summer but he never showed for any of them. Then he started texting me that if i gave him some time with the kids then he wouldn't have to spend all the thousands of dollars he had for me to pay the back child support on a lawyer to force me to give the kids to him for half the summer. My lawyer sent him another letter stating he could have a week. So after a few weeks he signed the dates we offered. Howevever we offered a wed-wed arrangement based on dr's appts etc. He decided to suddenly use his EOW visits before and after the week we offered. Which means he would be hanging out in my town for several days and part of it with the kids. Which scares the crap out of me (PTSD from previous instances plus his stalking) and i don't think the kids could handle it either. Then my son broke his hand and is scheduled to get his cast off right after he was supposed to go with ex. I called my attorney and told her that i wanted to change our agreement (now keep in mind i never signed the orignal agreement and it wasn't filed in court) from Fri-wed so that my son could get his cast off first and it would eliminate my ex from using the EOW before and after because i know he couldn't afford to stay up here that many days in a row. I told her i was scared about him being around here in town (it is a very small town) for two weeks time. So we sent him a new letter with the new dates. He texted me that i was interfering with his time with the kids and that he would have our son's cast taken off where he lives and that he would also be setting up a dentist for the kids where he lives, 1200 miles away. He owes our dentist here $1000 for past work which he refuses to pay. He says he will use the kids insurance to have it all covered down where he lives. Now, the kids insurance is in my name alone and i have sole legal custody. A dentist 1200 miles away? I feel like these are new control tactics on his behalf.

So the unreasonable part. My lawyer thinks that by shifting our orignal vistiation offer of wed-wed to fri-wed could make the judge upset. Friday morning my son gets his cast off then he could go with ex until the following wed. Even if i bring up being afraid, my restraining order, ex having broken the restraining order in the past with stalking..the judge probably won't care. My lawyer thinks the judge might say that i should let ex have our son's cast taken off down where he lives. But the insurance is in my name and i have sole legal. I hate this whole situaiton and that judge. Ugh. But this won't actually go before the judge before the visitaiton. My lawyer is thinking ahead to when my ex pitches a fit and goes before the judge for future vacations. What do you all think?
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#2 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 12:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And no i still haven't gotten the thousnds of dollars that my ex supposedly had for me to finally pay off all back child support He didn't get a lawyer, he got his time with the kids and i still haven't gotten the money. Our court hearing for contempt is in August. He owes me $7000 plus dollars.
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#3 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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I don't understand why you don't want your ex to take your son to have the cast taken off. I doubt he could use his EOW if he has your son from wednesday to wednesday because thats over a weekend. The weekend before and after would be your time?

I do not know your back story though, so please forgive me if I'm missing something.
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#4 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My ex wasn't involved for a full four years in regards to our children and only came on the scene in the last year with stalking, restraining orders, harrassing me and threatening me in front of the children etc. He has no knowledge of the kids medical histories, has no insurance for them, has a long history of abuse and never followed court orders to take a one year long batterer's program. He lives 1200 miles away and the kids Dr's are where i am. If my son gets his cast off and then the subsequent xrays to determine if everything healed correctly and there was the chance something didn't heal right then i wouldn't be there to consent to further treatment. I have sole legal custody which means only i can make the decisions in regards to the kids medical treatment. I don;t want him using the EOW in addition to the week because my 3 and 5 year old have no relationship with him, at this point they haven't seen him in 6 months and haven't spoken to him in 4 months, per his choice and actions. Also he has a history of showing up in my town and stalking me and causing huge scenes in public in front of our children. Also he still hasn't done the batterer's program, he is a convicted felon, he lives with his mother who attempted suicide a few years ago and is also a convicted felon. In addition the grandfather who apparently visits a lot where my ex lives was convcited of kidnapping a special needs child years ago and raping her. Plus he molested my ex's mom as a teenager. That's a small portion of the backstory.
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#5 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He wants to take the week i offered and then the weekend before and after which technically would be his. So he would hang in my town from wed - fri waiting to get the kids back.
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#6 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:21 PM
 
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He wants to take the week i offered and then the weekend before and after which technically would be his. So he would hang in my town from wed - fri waiting to get the kids back.
Does your court order specify which weekends are his? B/c those weekends might NOT be his - unless you offered him one of "your" weekends. You can tell him that the EOW includes the weekend that he already HAS them - then it would 2 more weeks before his other weekend comes up.
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#7 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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I've been following your story since your last thread about the ex parte hearings.

Based on your X's track record for actually showing up for court, and the issues you have had with him, I would offer only what you are comfortable with. The worst that could happen is the judge awards him more time, but I honestly would take that risk, since it seems unlikely X would actually show up and it seems with his black mailing, lack of involvement and past behaviors you have plenty of evidence to support your decision. I'm honestly surprised your lawyer doesn't see it that way.

And I totally get that you want to be the one to take your son to get his cast off. I would too.

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#8 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:36 PM
 
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What are the chances he will actually follow through and take the kids and take care of the Dr. and Dentist appointments and all? I'm wondering if it's worth the risk to give him what you originally offered and what he originally said he wanted thinking that perhaps he will bail? Then you could avoid the fight and you would look like you were very accomodating? Just based on what you wrote about him previously I have sort of a hunch that he may be the type who won't really care about what's offered to him but will fight like hell if you try to take it away?
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#9 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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Can you ask your son's doctor what he would think about delaying the cast removal for a week?
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#10 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We could totally delay getting the cast off. Then my ex can get the full week i offered plus the two other weekends before and after. That is what i'm trying to avoid. I had no idea that upon offering a weekend he would say he was using the EOW also. That puts him in my little tiny town for a good week with the kids and without. I'm not too interested in spending a week fearing for my life.

The judge only ordered EOW never specified what weekend or anything. No holidays or anything were ordered he left it up to the discretion of my ex and i too hammer it all out. The thing is it's actually illegal for the judge to do that because i have a restraining order which means by law it was supposed to get ordered. However my lawyer didn't bring that to the judges attention in an attempt to stop the crazy judge from ordering something really unreasonable.

I want to avoid sending the kids back and forth multiple times and avoid my ex getting free time in my town while he is waiting for the kids. The way my ex put it was that he would take my wed-wed offer and also he would take the fri-sun before that and the fri-sun after that. So he would sit in my town for 3 full days without kids on both sides. That is dangerous. Whether the judge believes it or not it is a danger.
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#11 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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We could totally delay getting the cast off. Then my ex can get the full week i offered plus the two other weekends before and after. That is what i'm trying to avoid. I had no idea that upon offering a weekend he would say he was using the EOW also. That puts him in my little tiny town for a good week with the kids and without. I'm not too interested in spending a week fearing for my life.

The judge only ordered EOW never specified what weekend or anything. No holidays or anything were ordered he left it up to the discretion of my ex and i too hammer it all out. The thing is it's actually illegal for the judge to do that because i have a restraining order which means by law it was supposed to get ordered. However my lawyer didn't bring that to the judges attention in an attempt to stop the crazy judge from ordering something really unreasonable.

I want to avoid sending the kids back and forth multiple times and avoid my ex getting free time in my town while he is waiting for the kids. The way my ex put it was that he would take my wed-wed offer and also he would take the fri-sun before that and the fri-sun after that. So he would sit in my town for 3 full days without kids on both sides. That is dangerous. Whether the judge believes it or not it is a danger.
bolded mine. Tell him that the weekend he gets is HIS weekend. That the weekends on either side are YOURS. If he wants to do EOW, he needs to abide by EOW. His weekend is the one that he has already, then its your weekend, then he gets the next one. Problem solved, right?
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#12 of 151 Old 07-19-2010, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just spoke with my lawyer. She said he can't take our son to get his cast off. I have sole legal and primary residence. He can't switch dr's and dentists especially when he lives 1200 miles away. I told her i was sticking with the fri-wed and i would be getting our sons cast off before they leave. If my ex doesn't like it and if he takes me back to court again oh well. I guess i'll deal with it then. Thanks everyone. It sucks dealing with an abuser and custody.
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#13 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 12:00 AM
 
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Avani,

Abusive ex and custoday issues...horrible. I'm in that situation, but he lives nearby. He is not stalking me, that I know of. In my city, I can't seem to get an order of protection, even when he broke my wrist two years ago.

How did you get an order of protection?

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#14 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 12:02 AM
 
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I think you're right to proceed that way. If you have sole decision-making when it comes to medical issues, it doesn't make sense for him to decide what doctor to take your son to, far away where you can't make any decisions. Just for back-up, maybe your doctor can write a letter for you to tuck away for future reference, saying something like, "I've advised my patient's mother, who has sole custody of my patient, not to transfer care to another physician" and outline a couple of reasons. Just a thought.

I too don't understand how your ex, after not having established an every-other-weekend pattern, determined that "his" weekends fall before and after his visitation week. Tell him his weekend is the one during his visitation week, and he can also show up two weeks later for another weekend to see how your son is doing. Otherwise, he has three weekends in a row... and how is that "every other weekend"? I don't blame you for being paranoid, given your crazy judge, but hopefully even he can do that math.
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#15 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 12:10 AM
 
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bolded mine. Tell him that the weekend he gets is HIS weekend. That the weekends on either side are YOURS. If he wants to do EOW, he needs to abide by EOW. His weekend is the one that he has already, then its your weekend, then he gets the next one. Problem solved, right?
This is one of the reasons I was a bit puzzled. From what you have said I would be surprised if he came anyway. What a jerk!

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I just spoke with my lawyer. She said he can't take our son to get his cast off. I have sole legal and primary residence. He can't switch dr's and dentists especially when he lives 1200 miles away. I told her i was sticking with the fri-wed and i would be getting our sons cast off before they leave. If my ex doesn't like it and if he takes me back to court again oh well. I guess i'll deal with it then. Thanks everyone. It sucks dealing with an abuser and custody.
I hope one day a judge enforces his paying all your legal costs as he seems to really enjoying making you go to court.
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#16 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 12:30 AM
 
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Not knowing the history with your ex, or what you consider stalking (since there are definitely various impressions of what that word means, some quite reasonable and others not reasonable at all)...

It's hard for me to understand why a court but more importantly you yourself would condone your kids spending a week alone and out of town with their father, if there is any legitimate reason that it "scares the crap out of you" for him to simply be in the same town you are; and if you truly and honestly believe your kids "couldn't handle it" if he were in town for a few days, to have them for consecutive weekends. That just doesn't make any sense to me.

If you felt it was reasonable to offer him a week - and you agreed to that - then doctor's appointments should not change the length of time he gets with them. Fri.-Wed. is quite obviously not equivalent to Wed.-Wed. If you truly feel it's necessary to change the start date to Fri., the end date should also be changed to Fri. If that gives him 2 consecutive weekends with the kids - big deal! It sounds like you get them for a preponderance of the time, anyway.

But if you have some concrete reasons to believe it is genuinely dangerous for him to be around them - even in the same town - then why are you voluntarily giving him any time with them at all, unsupervised?

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#17 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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She has a judge who has abandoned all reason and has shown himself to make decisions that are not in anyones best interests. Her x was ordered to complete a year long batterer's program before unsupervised visits were allowed. The judge bypassed that and ordered her to negotiate visits with him even though she has a restraining order. He has never come for the EOW visits the judge ordered he receive but he has shown up randomly to scream at her and intimidate her. There is not much she can do but prevent the most harm and there are a lot of other women in the same situation.
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#18 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Poppy. Jeannine, i really don't feel it necessary to explain myself to you but feel free to look through my old posts and judge me if you feel it necessary but i refuse to give any of my energy to that.

So my lawyer just emailed me that the ordering stating he has EOW was never filed in the court. His ex lawyer never filed so it has no standing. That means he has no rights at all to visitation at this point in time. I feel like offering the week was out of line then. I wish i would've known this. I need my ex to fade away.
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#19 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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Sorry avani, but can I just rub my hands in glee for 2 seconds at your X's lawyer's legal mess-up? Thank goodness your lawyer is on the ball about this important detail.
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#20 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:21 PM
 
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Thanks Poppy. Jeannine, i really don't feel it necessary to explain myself to you but feel free to look through my old posts and judge me if you feel it necessary but i refuse to give any of my energy to that.

So my lawyer just emailed me that the ordering stating he has EOW was never filed in the court. His ex lawyer never filed so it has no standing. That means he has no rights at all to visitation at this point in time. I feel like offering the week was out of line then. I wish i would've known this. I need my ex to fade away.
If he has no rights to visitation then don't give it to him. Have your lawyer contact him via letter and tell him that you are revoking the visit due to medical reasons (dentist, cast, etc) and that you'll need proof of his completing the batterer's program before you offer anything else.
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#21 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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what I wonder is if the judge would hold this against avani since he ordered visitation. Could he say she is going against the spirit of his ruling. judges have too much power imo.
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#22 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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If he has no rights to visitation then don't give it to him. Have your lawyer contact him via letter and tell him that you are revoking the visit due to medical reasons (dentist, cast, etc) and that you'll need proof of his completing the batterer's program before you offer anything else.
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#23 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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what I wonder is if the judge would hold this against avani since he ordered visitation. Could he say she is going against the spirit of his ruling. judges have too much power imo.
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Right. That's what I was thinking. If it was ordered but just not filed with the court it seems like sort of a technicality. Does your lawyer think it will fly to disregard this? Just wouldn't want this to look bad for you and end up hurting you in the end.
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#24 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, exactly. What my lawyer did is sent him a letter saying he could see the kids from fri-sun. He hasn't signed it. Now that i know he has no rights to the EOW and since he has yet to sign the letter we sent if he does show he will not be given the kids. He texted me on Saturday that he would be picking the kids up for the EOW and then on wed. So one of the bigger problems would be if he traveled all the way up here and i refused him any visitation. Now i'm talking about from the view point of crazy judge. However without the letter signed that would mean he has the kids under no agreement and i can't allow that to happen and without an actual court order stating the weekend visitation i feel compelled to protect the children from who knows what since there is no formal agreement. I'm going to have my lawyer draw up a settlement with visitation/support/my belongings and state that if he doesn't provide proof of a batterer's program, enroll in an anger management course and counseling which the professional court mediator suggested to the courts, call the kids regularly and do at least a minimum of one EOW a month then he can't have any holiday visitation and will lose his EOW also. He shouldn't have the kids period without supervision but i don't know how to get that ordered. Maybe with the lack of visits we could. I'm working on it. Supposedly he is going to be here on friday. My lawyer told me to have my restraining order on hand.
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#25 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:50 PM
 
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And a cell phone in your pocket to call 911 with. And, since when does EOW mean every weekend for 3 weekends? It doesn't. AND - I don't think police can enforce visitation for the ncp - I think they can make sure he doesn't get the kids from you, and they can help you press charges for violating the OP (which would be fabulous since your UAV judge can't seem to get it straight that you have an OP) which could land him in jail.

ETA - make sure that you make a copy of your OP and have it with you, in your purse/bag/whatever at all times during the times that he wants visitation. If you don't have it on your person it can be harder (though not impossible) to enforce it. If you have it with you a police officer has to arrest him.
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#26 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It could totally make me look bad. Especially if he travels 1200 miles. However he never signed the letter as of yet. Which was an agreement between he and i in regards to the week. But if the order was never filed then the original order of him having supervised visits is what is on file. if i give him the kids without an actual order of the court then what if he does something crazy? I would never have offered the week in the first place but i don't know what to do with this judge. I'd like to go back to supervised visits. I need to figure this out.
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#27 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That would be great. He was threatening me via text message the other week and i went and filed a report. THe police told me they couldn't do anything since he lives far away. So him coming here and losing his temper over me not giving him the kids (which is very likely) could really help.
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#28 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 04:59 PM
 
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That would be great. He was threatening me via text message the other week and i went and filed a report. THe police told me they couldn't do anything since he lives far away. So him coming here and losing his temper over me not giving him the kids (which is very likely) could really help.
Keep filing those reports, and keep printing out those text messages. If you need to have him arrested (and it sounds possible) and you want to press charges (PLEASE DO!!!!!) you'll need all that as evidence that the OP isn't working.

I still REALLY think you need to appeal the custody judges rulings to a higher court. I know your lawyer doesn't want to, but I think you have a fairly decent Abuse of Discretion claim (since you have an OP and the judge ordered you to have contact with him).
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#29 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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Can you plan on having several friends / family around all day in case he shows up? Maybe also call the cops ahead of time so they are aware?
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#30 of 151 Old 07-20-2010, 05:17 PM
 
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man. What a cluster &!(). Hopefully he'll be jailed for child support soon and maybe your judge will...take a long vacation.
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