Travel and the parenting plan - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 01:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Should I want to travel with my children, what type of information should I share with my ex? Our parenting plan asks for phone numbers and itinarary.
Does that mean I should give information about where I am going, how long I will be there, phone numbers for all places and should I include the time I am leaving and arriving?

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#2 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 04:34 AM
 
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I think you can send an email (or certified letter w/ return receipt!) saying something along the following:

The children and I will be traveling for vacation January 1-5, 2000. We will be (driving/flying/taking a pack mule) to (a galaxy far, far away). We intend to see the local sights and will be staying with friends/in a hotel/camping in a state park.

In keeping with our parenting plan, you may call the children on your scheduled day/dates (whatever your plan says). Should you need to reach Child 1, please call his cell phone xxx-xxx-xxxx. Child 2 can be reached via my cell phone, xxx-xxx-xxxx. I will make them available for your 20-minute call (or whatever your plan says).

Thanky.

I think you can keep it vague, but not so vague that if there was a plane crash/major car pileup/natural disaster (a la Hurricane Katrina) he wouldn't need to worry, or be calling the state police in every state in the country to find you. I do think you need to give him some information, and a way to reach the children, but not so much that he could show up and harass you.

If you turn the situation around, and HE was planning on taking the children on vacation, you would be LIVID if he didn't tell you how he was going or where. And you've posted before that you've been distraught that he won't even let your daughter talk to you (which I think is a total UAV, btw). If you're thinking of going to court down the road, you want to make sure you've done everything to the T so it highlights how crazy he really is to the court, and how reasonable YOU are.

good luck! I hope you're going on a fun vacation!

(and because I've not been in your specific situation, I'm hoping someone will be along shortly to tell you if my suggestion makes sense or not!)
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#3 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 05:59 AM
 
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when ex travelled he gave me his flight itenerary. not any other details. mainly coz i guess he had his cell phone.

however i didnt want to know either. i knew he was visiting his cousins house.

but i know your case is v. different. i would give the bare minimum. IF you have a cell phone then i see no reason why you have to give any extra details. esp. when he probably will want to know.

the phone thing is the key here. if you dont have a cell phone, then you would have to provide all the details i would think. but if you have a cell phone then you dont.

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#4 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 08:42 AM
 
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When I take the kids, I tell him where we'll be (friend X's house in Connecticut, tagging along with my mom on her biz trip to Philadelphia, etc) and dates. I also generally let him know who will be there - my family, no one, a friend, etc. I get the same information from him, but with more detail on time of departure, etc., since he's picking the kids up/dropping them off from me. As a rule, I don't give additional phone numbers unless there's reason to think my cell phone won't work.
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#5 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 09:43 AM
 
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I don't, generally. When we drove to Florida earlier this year (and last year and the year before that) I didn't tell ex. Why should I? It didn't interfere with his "parenting time" (which is laughable, at best). There's nothing in our court order about it NOW (since ds and I moved out of state).

I did just get the papers signed for ds's passport so I did tell ex that when I take ds out of the country he will get 7 days notice on when we are going, where we are going and when we will be back in the states. It will be vague ("Owen and I will be traveling to Australia on XXX and returning on YYY"). He doesn't need to know any more details than that and I doubt he cares.

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#6 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 10:43 AM
 
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When dd and I travel I tell him the date we are leaving, the date we will be back, and where we are going. He has my cell # to contact her with if needed (which so far has been never). Other than that it's none of his business what I do.

He never leaves his sorry little hell hole of a house, so I don't have to worry about that, but IF dd were to travel with him, after I woke from my faint I would give her my cell to take so I could call her anytime I wanted.

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#7 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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In your situation I would not give specifics. Just the city or state even you are traveling to if you are traveling in the states, and the dates. I would not tell him where you are staying, what places you may be visiting, nothing like that. He can reach you on your cell.
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#8 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 11:25 AM
 
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Given your situation, I would give the bare minimum of info.

For my ex and I - we give pretty specific info. Where we're staying, for how long, best way and alternate ways to reach us, what we're doing, etc.

We actually even share some photos back and forth - what can I say, we're a little strange.

For example - my gf and I took the girls to the Toronto Zoo last summer. Of course I took zillions of photos. I sent my ex (via email) a bunch of shots of the girls doing different things. Obviously none with myself or the gf but he was happy to have some pictures of the kids doing something fun.

He sends me pictures of the kids from when they went camping, etc. Again - none with him in them, or his friends, but special ones of the kids.

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#9 of 26 Old 07-21-2010, 09:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He is actually traveling...with my ds and dd1. Last year he had my dd1 call me frm the city he traveled to, to tell me where they were. This ended with a police escort back to the police precint where we exchange our children. It wasn't very nice for the kids, but he scared the holy crap out of me by leaving without giving me any formal information.

He's going again, to the same place, and he did give me minimal notice on Monday. I'm just curious as to what information should be shared with one travels with the children.

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#10 of 26 Old 07-22-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Exact dates, mode of transportation, where they are sleeping and how they can be reached.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#11 of 26 Old 07-22-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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I don't know your situation, but for me this is very situation-specific. It would never occur to me to even tell ex if I were leaving or going on a trip, unless it would interfere in his parenting time. I'm not a child and I don't need someone having a copy of my itinerary or knowing who will be staying at the house with us or what mode of transportation I'll be using. No, they can talk whenever they call (hooray cell phones!) but we're not friends and it's not his business.
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#12 of 26 Old 07-22-2010, 05:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
I don't know your situation, but for me this is very situation-specific. It would never occur to me to even tell ex if I were leaving or going on a trip, unless it would interfere in his parenting time. I'm not a child and I don't need someone having a copy of my itinerary or knowing who will be staying at the house with us or what mode of transportation I'll be using. No, they can talk whenever they call (hooray cell phones!) but we're not friends and it's not his business.
I totally agree with you here. But, in our case, DSC's mother freaks out if we don't tell her all this. We are big believers in picking our battles, so we caved on this one and tell her every stupid detail -- including hotel address and useless things like that. Like she's going to show up or something. But it helps keep the peace somewhat. She doesn't completely reciprocate, but seriously, we don't care what hotel she stays in.

In the OP's situation, I'd keep it minimal -- just a note of what city and what dates, and what conveyance, and even then probably only if they're leaving the state.

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#13 of 26 Old 07-23-2010, 02:29 AM
 
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I don't know your situation, but for me this is very situation-specific. It would never occur to me to even tell ex if I were leaving or going on a trip, unless it would interfere in his parenting time. I'm not a child and I don't need someone having a copy of my itinerary or knowing who will be staying at the house with us or what mode of transportation I'll be using. No, they can talk whenever they call (hooray cell phones!) but we're not friends and it's not his business.
See, and to me - cell phone communication can be risky. Phones die, service gets cut off...

I'm thankful that both my ex and I like to know where are kids are travel wise. God forbid there was an emergency, we'd like to be easily reachable.

I don't think it has anything to do with being a child - when I go on vacation, I provide my parents with a copy of my itinerary (or a friend)... it's simply good safety for others to be aware of where you are, for how long, etc.

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#14 of 26 Old 07-23-2010, 03:35 AM
 
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As the wife of a man whose ex does not share the required information about their child's travel, it seems very clear to me that "phone numbers and itinerary" means yes, you tell the other parent of your child where his children are going to be when they're not at your house; what dates they're going to be there; and phone numbers where they could be reached in case of emergency (or in case he just missed hearing their voices).

If your state guidelines about "phone numbers and itinerary" date back to before cell phones were so prevalent, it may be acceptable to just tell him you'll have your cell with you and make sure he has that number, rather than giving him numbers for each hotel you use. But, yes, he should know what hotel you're staying in, just like he should know where you live. Envision a worst-case-scenario: One of your kids calls him in a panic from your cell phone, saying someone has broken into the hotel room and you have been somehow incapacitated and they're scared. Then the line goes dead. Imagine how distraught he would be, wanting to call the police in the city where you are, but not being able to tell them what hotel it is - or (if you didn't tell him you were going anywhere) him not knowing which city's police dept. to call! Sure, that probably won't happen, but scenarios like that go through every parent's mind when their kids are traveling without them. And, in the rare case that such a thing does happen, it's best dealt with by exchanging information beforehand.

Since the definition of "phone numbers and itinerary" seems so obvious to me, your question strikes me as a search for justification to give your ex less information than you're expected to give. If that's the case, you might explore whether there's a legitimate reason for that (might he realistically show up at your hotel and try to kidnap the kids?), or is it just misdirected hostility?

I know that when my kids travel with my ex, I appreciate the courtesy of him telling me where they'll be and how I can reach them, if I want to. Isn't it best if everyone is voluntarily that courteous, except in rare cases where the ex is genuinely dangerous?

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#15 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 12:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually Jeanine, he is the one traveling, who didn't want to share information with me.

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#16 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 02:31 AM
 
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Since the definition of "phone numbers and itinerary" seems so obvious to me, your question strikes me as a search for justification to give your ex less information than you're expected to give. If that's the case, you might explore whether there's a legitimate reason for that (might he realistically show up at your hotel and try to kidnap the kids?), or is it just misdirected hostility?
Holy cow. I think the misdirected hostility in this situation is only coming from you. No offense intended, but have you thought of getting some counseling to work through your feelings towards your DP's ex, Jeannine? Nearly every post of yours that I've read has said a heck of a lot more about your hangups with her than about the situation the OP is posting about.

Sorry to hijack, OP, but... yikes.
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#17 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 10:29 AM
 
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Jeannine,

Your jumping over into the single parents forum with your very clear and obvious bias about "Mom" and your attitude that the moms here are always doing something wrong is really old. You are new, you have no idea of some of the extensive background of these situations that you are barging in on with your inconsiderate comments. You are a step mom to a child whose mother you don't like (thats mild in reading your posts), your assumption is consistently based on your experience with your husband's children's mother. It is not helpful for you to continue to come to this forum, when it is clearly just to bash single moms because they are obviously keeping the children from their father, making up lies about him, and are the bad person in the scenario. It is hurtful to women who are in a very vulnerable place to have to answer your out of line questions and read through your long-winded posts when you have clearly no clue of the history.



This forum is specifically to support single parents. Your expertise lies in the region of blended families and would be more appropriate there.
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#18 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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I really don't think such personal attacks are warranted or particularly helpful. One of the things this forum sorely lacks often *is* perspective. Sometimes when you're a single mom and in an echo chamber with other single moms it can be easy to miss that there is another side to every conflict.

There are plenty of single moms who post over in Blended and I've never heard anyone tell them to just go away. Part of what I value over there is the mix of perspectives, even when I disagree.

And I don't think she said anything intentionally hurtful, unlike those attacking her.

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#19 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 02:03 PM
 
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Actually, Violet, she was intentionally hurtful, and attacking in this and at least one other thread recently. Without taking the time to read up on the back story either time. I repeat, in several threads--but we won't go there because of the UA.

And, in Blended, I have never seen anything that even closely resembles that level of attack and insinuation from a single mom posting there.

Further, in Blended, single moms have on many occasions objected to very insulting (to (custodial)mothers) terms there and been told to let it go and basically "put up with it in Blended or shut up."

As for your claim that this forum lacks "perspective", I don't particularly agree. But could make the exact same claim of Blended on some days/some threads.
With one difference, when you're a single parent struggling with your ex or issues with your kids, you usually do not have a partner around to help bear the weight. When you're a step-mom, for ex., you automatically have a spouse/partner to help bear the weight (or you couldn't be a stepparent).

P.S. Again in regard to "perspective," J's perspective is highly colored by her experiences with her H's ex. And while perspective is all well and good, it is not helpful to paint everyone with the same brush, as she has done several times in the past few days, attacking posters who are struggling with very real problems without reviewing their histories.
I would gently suggest that she needs to put her perspective into perspective and perhaps take a few minutes to review how she phrases things and even ask herself before posting if she's reacting to the poster only or reacting as if she wishes she could to her H's ex.
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#20 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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I really don't think such personal attacks are warranted or particularly helpful. One of the things this forum sorely lacks often *is* perspective. Sometimes when you're a single mom and in an echo chamber with other single moms it can be easy to miss that there is another side to every conflict.

There are plenty of single moms who post over in Blended and I've never heard anyone tell them to just go away. Part of what I value over there is the mix of perspectives, even when I disagree.

And I don't think she said anything intentionally hurtful, unlike those attacking her.
Wrong, there is plenty of perspective here and this is not a forum of single moms trying to eliminate the fathers from their childrens' lives. If a mom is posting here its because she is having a problem typically, so there are a lot of posts here where the moms have issues with the Dads. If a mom posts here and she is being unreasonable she is called on it.

I agree with the poster who said that in Blended there is a ton of bashing of single moms (the ex's of the current spouses) and single moms are told to put up with it or leave.
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#21 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My kids are on their way back to our city/state today, so this issue is over with anyway.

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#22 of 26 Old 07-25-2010, 06:30 PM
 
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My kids are on their way back to our city/state today, so this issue is over with anyway.

I am happy to hear that, I am glad all is well for now.
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#23 of 26 Old 07-26-2010, 12:31 AM
 
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My kids are on their way back to our city/state today, so this issue is over with anyway.
Oh thank God!

But I have to ask, what (if any) information DID he give you? Because ya know, there was a tropical storm (which could have turned into a hurricane) that just blew through the southern part of Florida. My kids are down there visiting their grandparents and while I wasn't a worried wreck, I DID check the weather reports. I don't think you live down there, but if your kids are going on vacation, you should at least be given a vague idea of where in the country they are!

Oh honey, I so hope your new lawyer can help you and your children (you did say you have a new lawyer, right?)
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#24 of 26 Old 07-26-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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Should I want to travel with my children, what type of information should I share with my ex? Our parenting plan asks for phone numbers and itinarary.
Does that mean I should give information about where I am going, how long I will be there, phone numbers for all places and should I include the time I am leaving and arriving?

Thanks
I think it's understandable that your use of the first person led me to assume you were the one debating what info. to give your ex, not the other way around.

Since it IS the other way around, I would assume you can see what I'm saying - that you deserve the basic courtesy and consideration of knowing where your children will be, when they will be there and how you can get hold of them, if you wish to.

If your ex had asked the same question, about his own travel, I would have said the same thing to him: Examine why you're resistant to sharing this basic information with your ex(wife). Sometimes everyone (even me!) has visceral reactions to their exes, so it's healthy to step back and ask, "Is there a real reason I'm being inconsiderate to him (or in this case her); or is it just hostility that I should rein in?"

IRL, my most treasured friends are the ones who don't feel like friendship dictates them always agreeing with everything I say and rallying behind me ("You go, girl!"), but who are honest, if it sounds to them like I'm not proceeding in the right direction - and who will suggest to me that I explore why. When I thought you were talking about yourself, that's all I was trying to point out to you. Sorry that offended you.

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#25 of 26 Old 07-27-2010, 03:05 AM
 
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what if you dont know where you'll be staying on a trip? i normally dont know how far i'll drive in one day and choose hotels within 15min of reaching a town. i also couchsurf and the day i tell xh about that dirty lil seceret will be the day pigs fly.... but in all seriousness i hve no way of contacting him and he doesnt reply to emails and he never calls dd so why should i tell him where she'll be?
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#26 of 26 Old 07-27-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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I think it's understandable that your use of the first person led me to assume you were the one debating what info. to give your ex, not the other way around.

Since it IS the other way around, I would assume you can see what I'm saying - that you deserve the basic courtesy and consideration of knowing where your children will be, when they will be there and how you can get hold of them, if you wish to.

If your ex had asked the same question, about his own travel, I would have said the same thing to him: Examine why you're resistant to sharing this basic information with your ex(wife). Sometimes everyone (even me!) has visceral reactions to their exes, so it's healthy to step back and ask, "Is there a real reason I'm being inconsiderate to him (or in this case her); or is it just hostility that I should rein in?"

IRL, my most treasured friends are the ones who don't feel like friendship dictates them always agreeing with everything I say and rallying behind me ("You go, girl!"), but who are honest, if it sounds to them like I'm not proceeding in the right direction - and who will suggest to me that I explore why. When I thought you were talking about yourself, that's all I was trying to point out to you. Sorry that offended you.

In this forum there are frequently instances where the advice given isn't in favor of the Mom posting it, so this isn't just a place that only gives "way to go" regardless of the circumstances. If you actually read the threads and knew the history instead of picking on choosing what you reply to, only replying to threads that appear to remind you of your husband's ex and give you the opportunity to take your frustrations out on a single momma here.
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