Does anyone feel jealous around "happy couples" - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 02:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
pamela3340's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Being a single mom has been a difficult journey. In a lot of aspects, I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I have 2 wonderful kids, and a great b/f.

But when I am around, or talk to, or hear about couples who have the "ideal" life- marriage, house, kids, it upsets me because I didn't do things the "right" way. I hate to stereotype, but is there really a right or wrong way? I used to think that there wasn't, but I realized that I started a family and was not ready and it was unstable due to the issues surrounding me and their father's unhealthy relationship.

So, when I hear about couples who are getting married, buying a house, and having a baby, etc....I can't help but feel twinges of jealousy, and almost ashamed of myself that I was irresponsible in having kids without having the stability that my friends and coworkers have provided their children with.

Does anyone feel the same way I do?
pamela3340 is offline  
#2 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 02:39 AM
 
wytchywoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 3,041
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sometimes, but then I remember how miserable a bad relationship can feel. And I remind myself that just because they are happy NOW does not mean that they are happy most of the time. Not that I wish unhappiness on anyone or anything, but just a way of reminding myself not to romanticize or glorify relationships and just look at them for what they really are.

M : proud mama to B (16) : and G (8) and : x 2 :
wytchywoman is offline  
#3 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 03:16 AM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
initially. not jealousy but a great sadness. a self pity. why cant i have it too.

but that was in the beginning.

and then as i started enjoying life and not noticing them, i really became aware of situations around me.

as time passed all the ideal couples also had issues and werent as ideal as i thought they were. the poster child couple divorced. huge shock for me. since then i learnt. forget it.

it made me wonder because i was looking at them longingly was i 'blind' to little things that show the cracks.

today usually i am pretty good predicting trouble much earlier than others. which is sad. in a way.

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
#4 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 08:23 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Me! I definitely get a lot of emotional twinges. Especially when I see a husband really pampering his pregnant wife. It's really hard for me.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#5 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 09:00 AM
 
RollerCoasterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: the burbs
Posts: 5,245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)
It was worse before I finally decided to get divorced. Hearing friends talk about being married to their best friend -- and really meaning it, seeing true partnerships! That was liable to knock me into a major funk. Now, I'm a year out and I'm so busy I hardly have time to breath, but once in a while, I wish there was someone here just for me. At the same time I do NOT want to date. I'm not in the right place for that yet. It could be another couple of years.

So I keep busy. And the lonely spells only creep up every so often. I give into them an grieve for a bit, then dust myself off and get back to working towards my long-term goals.
RollerCoasterMama is online now  
#6 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 09:13 AM
 
Ione's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Surprisingly (to me), the answer is no. I don't feel jealous of or around "happy couples"... At most, I sometimes feel a rapid twinge of sadness, close to nostalgia for what (never really) was.

I guess it's because my cynical side is strong enough for me to really believe that most "happy couples" look much better from the outside than they feel from the inside. Life is tough. Married (coupled) life is tougher. And no matter how good it may seem, there are rough patches and hidden minefields.

That said, I do feel jealous of divorced couples who have managed to find their way to a healthy, open, friendly "co-parent relationship" that really puts the kids first.
Ione is offline  
#7 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 10:33 AM
 
MariesMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: in the dirty mitten
Posts: 1,043
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
For me, my hospital birth class was the worst.

Seeing all of the pregnant women with loving, caring, husbands and boyfriends while I was there with my stepmother was unbearable. I barely made it through one class and never went back, with full permission from my OB. She saw how much it affected me and told me that it wasn't really a birthing class, but a "this is how you have your baby in this hospital" class anyway.

DD 2/08
MariesMama is online now  
#8 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 11:06 AM
 
single_cj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm just starting this process, but I've kind of felt like this for the last few years (while I was still "happily" married). What kind of makes me smile, though, is that ALL my friends are SHOCKED that "D"H and I are separating... they all say, "Oh my God, but you guys seemed so HAPPY!!!". Yeah.

Truth be told, you NEVER know what someone is REALLY going through at home and in their private lives. I'll give you that there are obivously truly happy couples who "did it right", but there are lots more who "did it wrong" or "failed".

The way I'm starting to see it, I made a bad choice. When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.



Next time, though...
single_cj is offline  
#9 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 11:22 AM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,809
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You have to remember that you are only seeing PART of those "happy couples" lives. You have no idea what's happening behind closed doors. One could be a secret alcoholic, one could be abusive, they could be in huge debt, etc etc. With my ex things looked good from the outside. All our friends were convinced we were the "perfect couple". We were engaged and having a baby. But boy were all those people wrong. Behind closed doors there was addiction (on his part), abuse (again, on his part), no communication between us, etc. We certainly were not a "happy couple"!

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#10 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 11:41 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
The way I'm starting to see it, I made a bad choice. When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.



Next time, though...

LOL!!! This seriously just made me laugh out loud!! Thank you!

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#11 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 01:18 PM
 
mexicali mami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 117
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
All the time. It's one of the things driving me out of my current relationship. I realize that it's not all roses and gold on the inside of those relationships, and that all couples have issues. However, hearing someone say they married their best friend breaks my heart because I didn't.
mexicali mami is offline  
#12 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 01:57 PM
 
*MamaJen*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 5,362
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger.

That's awesome.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
*MamaJen* is offline  
#13 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 02:04 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
You have to remember that you are only seeing PART of those "happy couples" lives. You have no idea what's happening behind closed doors. One could be a secret alcoholic, one could be abusive, they could be in huge debt, etc etc. With my ex things looked good from the outside. All our friends were convinced we were the "perfect couple". We were engaged and having a baby. But boy were all those people wrong. Behind closed doors there was addiction (on his part), abuse (again, on his part), no communication between us, etc. We certainly were not a "happy couple"!

Exactly.

i keep being drawn to this thread, because I feel violently jealous of 'happy couples'-- especially if they are south asian. I cannot even look at my cousins wedding pictures! I'd refrained from posting because I'm partnered. I've had people tell me time and again how lucky I am. If only they knew.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#14 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 02:08 PM
 
Catubodua's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 1,452
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
does it help to know that even people in happy relationships sometimes daydream about being single? i have days where in my head i'm figuring out how to split our property and how much money i'd have to give him to make him go away.

mom to Andrew   born Feb 6th, already a mom to child with fur; and still missing and still wondering about the lost possibilities Mar 17, 2009
Catubodua is offline  
#15 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 02:49 PM
 
simplemama32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 400
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by single_cj View Post
When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger



Quote:
Originally Posted by mexicali mami View Post
All the time. It's one of the things driving me out of my current relationship. I realize that it's not all roses and gold on the inside of those relationships, and that all couples have issues. However, hearing someone say they married their best friend breaks my heart because I didn't.
I'm the same way.

I've been surrounded by examples of couples with good (as far as you can tell, anyway) relationships lately. And while it's nice to know they do exist, and I'm happy for them, it's bad because I feel like life is just rubbing the fact that I don't have one in my face.

Mama to DS (5)

simplemama32 is offline  
#16 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 03:05 PM
 
Everrgreen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,817
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I married my best friend and had a totally happy relationship, until all of a sudden he decided to have an affair and leave me. It is the most confusing thing in the world not understanding what happened. And instead of jealous of happy couples I find myself more cynical (which is so wrong, I know).

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
Everrgreen is offline  
#17 of 42 Old 08-03-2010, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
pamela3340's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks guys, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way...I do try to look to the other side, that not everyone's relationships are as good as they look on the outside, and trying not to regret those mistakes, but am learning from them and learning not to repeat them!
pamela3340 is offline  
#18 of 42 Old 08-04-2010, 10:07 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
s to you Gillian28

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#19 of 42 Old 08-04-2010, 10:58 AM
 
Ceinwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The cold, crazy north
Posts: 2,726
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do.

Even watching my parents. They've been together for close to 35 years, my mom is a SAH parent to five kids, my parents are madly in love, and totally idolize/ would do ANYthing for each other.

I always wanted to be a SAH parent to a big brood of kids, have a loving supportive spouse, live the dream.

Instead, I'm a 'work way too much' mom to two kids, spaced much farther apart than I wanted, who both spend (IMO) a little too much time in daycare, with no end in sight.

I become very envious, almost unstable emotionally if I think about it too much.

Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
Ceinwen is offline  
#20 of 42 Old 08-04-2010, 01:05 PM
 
Devaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: here, there and everywhere
Posts: 1,240
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have often felt this way. I felt that way even when I WAS in my relationship with my ex, because he was so not there for me the way I saw other people's partners being, SO not hands on with our child, etc etc. Recently, a year after our separation, I was finding it hard not to burst into tears when observing antenatal education classes as a requirement for my current course of study...all the partners were rubbing the mothers' bellies, being all concerned, just BEING there (my ex refused to come to birth workshops with me, and I was the 'demonstration' girl). So MariesMama - I can really relate, although I was not pregnant in this course, it brought it all flooding back.

But - I remember a friend of my ex's (a single mother from the start) saying to me, You're so lucky, he cooks and does all this stuff in the house, etc etc, and I just smiled and nodded, t hinking, 'You have no idea.' So I would echo what others have said about how things can look good from the outside - on the inside, he was an alcoholic and totally not present in our relationship. Weird thing is, it looks like I"m getting into a relationship right now, and although I'm excited I'm also really scared!! It's hard letting go of one's independence, even though it's lonely sometimes.
Devaya is offline  
#21 of 42 Old 08-05-2010, 01:09 AM
 
over_the_rainbow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 38
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yep. Absolutely. I am living with married couple who have a toddler and one on the way and everyday my heart aches when their Little Boy gets to play with Mummy AND Daddy and my Little Man just has me. Or when he talks to her bump. Or rubs her feet. Or they talk about the little house they want to buy. Or when I have to go to work when all I want to do is stay home and be a Mummy just like my friend.

Although, echoing everyone elses sentiments, other peoples relationships are never what you think they are from the outside. My STBX has left me for another woman and people are genuinly shocked when they find out and can not understand why we are not reconciling. (!)

I am already enjoying my freedom which is my upside right now, however, sometimes I feel very alone. But, honestly, being in a relationship with STBX was often a very lonely place as well.
over_the_rainbow is offline  
#22 of 42 Old 08-05-2010, 01:39 AM
 
chimomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am unhappily married and stalking this forum in my fantasy about being a single mom. I just wanted to let you ladies know that I really can relate to how you all feel and even though this is not a happy thread, it has really brightened my day to realize so many people are going through exactly what I am.
chimomma is offline  
#23 of 42 Old 08-05-2010, 02:37 PM
 
MyLilPwny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 821
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by chimomma View Post
I am unhappily married and stalking this forum in my fantasy about being a single mom.
That is me too, about fantasizing being single while still married. Well I actually took the step a month ago now to tell my husband that I want a divorce, and we are proceeding with it. On the surface, I know that people think we are a "happy couple". But about the jealousy thing, so I've been married for six years and yes I would get jealous over "happy couples" and dream about divorcing to find the right man, but probably even more jealous of single moms who actually took the step forward to divorce their husbands. For the last few years I've been dreading spending the rest of my life with my husband and now that I decided to pursue the divorce, I feel so happy that now my life is turning in the right direction rather than being doomed with my husband forever, and I really don't feel jealous anymore about "happy couples" because now I'm finding the right man, and also I don't have to feel jealous about single moms who left their husbands because now I'm one too and I love this freedom.

Traditional & nutrient-dense foods/Weston A. Price Foundation advocate, Reiki II practitioner, EFT practitioner, past life & life between lives Hypnotherapist practitioner. Home birth with DD 2007 = never vaccinated, breastfed 3 years

MyLilPwny is offline  
#24 of 42 Old 08-06-2010, 04:18 PM
 
trippingbillies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 197
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP-I feel your pain. I was a former military wife and the worst is to go on my facebook and she all these SAHMs to school aged kids whose husband bring in the money and they get to be ladies of leisure all day while I work two jobs and no man wants me....good times....
trippingbillies is offline  
#25 of 42 Old 08-10-2010, 01:35 PM
 
butterfly1976's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe a long time ago, but not anymore. I had the sadness and pity parties and all of that. Now since I'm older (hopefully a little bit wiser, LOL) I know THOSE couples have hard times as well. Everyone has rough patches in life. People grow and they change. A lot of my older relatives have been married 30+ years. You fight, get on each other's nerves, etc. It happens. Heck, I even get mad at myself sometimes. LOL

If someone tries to convince me they have the perfect/ideal life.........to me that's a red flag. Cause I think if you're truly happy, you don't give a damn what anyone thinks. You don't have anything to prove.

I had a good friend of mine many years ago, who loved to brag about her perfect marriage/life. Well when it all hit the fan, she had slept with her brother-in-law and also had an affair with a married man. Perfect marriage? Nah.......

No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors. Only God and the flies on the walls.

I'm a single, self-employed, homeschooling mom of 2 great kids. Girl 9/95 and Boy 3/99.
butterfly1976 is offline  
#26 of 42 Old 08-10-2010, 05:31 PM
 
anon_abroad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Italy
Posts: 220
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Over the last couple of years I have noticed that a few couples in my village which I thought had very dull lives with nothing special about them actually have these amazingly loving relationships, where the husband totally voluntarily and happily spends time with his family and his kids, and the husband and wife not only get along, but enjoy eachother's company. I love/loved noticing that!

Many years ago it really hurt me to see other happy couples, I couldn't bear to even look at them hug and kiss without getting tears in my eyes. But now I'm in a place where I know I'm not 'couple' material at the moment and I have to own it and learn be a true 'single'.
anon_abroad is offline  
#27 of 42 Old 08-11-2010, 11:18 AM
 
singin'intherain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 877
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
[QUOTE=single_cj;15694379
The way I'm starting to see it, I made a bad choice. When my husband proposed, turns out I gave him the wrong finger[/QUOTE]

:rotf lmao

Mama to: Asterbanana.gif ,          Augustblueman.gif,              Emmett:nut.gif,              Ruthie: kiss.gif
 
 
Step mom to Malakiesuperhero.gif, Cameron af.gif, and Aurelia partytime.gif
singin'intherain is offline  
#28 of 42 Old 08-13-2010, 12:22 AM
 
DCMama01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 480
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I guess I'm in the minority here. They give me hope.

What depresses me is UNhappy couples.

First-time mama due on Dec 3rd 2009!
Update: Baby girl born Nov 19th!
DCMama01 is offline  
#29 of 42 Old 08-13-2010, 12:52 AM
 
Lilypie32's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Georgia
Posts: 195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I can tell you that perfect couple/home/child does not attribute to a hill of beans. My ex and I dated for a few years, got engaged, had a great relationship, did it all like it is supposed to be done and BOOM we're divorced. We had the nice house with the white picket fence, 2 dogs, 2 kids, etc. It was perfect. Then it all changed and life has never been the same again.

Lilly, mum to one handsome boyand to one of God's angels in heaven
Lilypie32 is offline  
#30 of 42 Old 08-31-2010, 05:44 PM
 
Jessnet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Too far away from the sea
Posts: 97
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by trippingbillies View Post
OP-I feel your pain. I was a former military wife and the worst is to go on my facebook and she all these SAHMs to school aged kids whose husband bring in the money and they get to be ladies of leisure all day while I work two jobs and no man wants me....good times....
You COULD be happy in a relationship. And you could even maybe find a man who would let you stay home, oh wait, but you won't "settle" for a man who might make good money and let you stay home, but is just not edukated enough for you.

If you cut yourself off from men before even giving them a chance, you will never find anyone. A degree does not equal education or refinement. As a PhD student, I have been around a lot of educated and uneducated men. The difference is only important to those who are insecure about their own position in society.

Mommy to one great little boy (2009)
Jessnet is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off