August Dating Thread! A Gust of Passion in the air...?! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 47 Old 08-03-2010, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Let's cross our fingers for an Indian summer because I'm not at all ready to cease my search for my one summer love!

What about you?
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#2 of 47 Old 08-03-2010, 04:56 PM
 
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Butterflymom,

What happened to the potential guys you mentioned in July??

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#3 of 47 Old 08-03-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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Sorry I have been mostly MIA this summer. Honestly I was in a kinda blagh mood with dating so I did not want to bring bad mojo to the group. I do have a somewhat positive outlook.

A slight update:

THE ARTIST:
The Artist and I are now just friends ~ I was the one who defined it as such since after several months of dating he had yet to ask me to be "in a relationship". Honestly I am not sure as to the "why" with the exception of 1) the fact that he is really stressed with trying to refinance his house and is working like mad so he does not lose it which ties up his time 2) that I require ALOT of time and attention from my significant other and 3) perhaps holding out too long.... initially because I wanted to really know him and move slow and then just logistics on both our parts pushed us into the friend zone....... I think the 3rd is the most significant but anywhoo I can't imagine finding a man better for me in the long run than him for so many practical as well as passionate reasons so I need some advice on getting out of the friend zone. Any thoughts? I know he still likes me because he is really putting a ton of effort into still being friends and we know it's not for the physical since that was not even really happening when we were "dating" ---- he still sends text messages often that are really sweet and he calls me when he needs a shoulder or clarity in family/work stuff.... etc. so please tell me what to do?

THE AGENT:
The Agent and I have been full on dating spending lots of time together but I am really because he knows I need a new car and while the Artist has offered twice to help me the Agent is kinda avoiding the subject and won't address it head on...... and I am SUPPOSEDLY HIS GIRLFRIEND BY HIS DEFINITION (you all remember that right ). He is in a better financial position than the Artist by far so it hurts that he has not already stepped up to help. This fact alone has changed any future with him even as the "back up plan" for a husband, LOL! At this point IF I allow him to stay in my life it will be for his connects to help me career wise...... romance gone!

THE CHEF:
And I met a new cutie pie (I will post a pic in private) I will call him The Chef. He is a sweetie but lost his job and then his apartment within a month of meeting...... I think he could be fun to hang out with but I am concerned with dating someone who is not somewhat established. He is now "thinking" about a career change, SMH.

GENERAL MUSINGS:
If I were in a better financial position maybe my outlook would be different but is it really too much to EXPECT potential suitors to have a CAREER????? LOL! I keep meeting men without a solid career, is this a reflection of our economic times? I am not at a point where I want simply to date...... I AM LOOKING FOR A BEST FRIEND AND A POTENTIAL LIFE PARTNER so sadly fun is not enough.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#4 of 47 Old 08-04-2010, 01:35 AM
 
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I'm no help w The Artist. I always assume "he's just not that into me" and fall into a comfortable friendship with those kind of guys...only to find out years later they were really into me but thought "I" wasn't interested. =/ Best of luck figuring out what's going on in his brain. Maybe a blunt and to the point conversation? Tell him what you're feeling point blank and ask for a clear response?

I'm not generally all that concerned with "careers". Actually, I don't tend to fit well with guys with established careers in general. A steady job, though, is a different story. Work, support himself, etc. Being able to pull his own weight is one of my (admittedly few) basic requirements. Career men call me too wild, though. lol Not at all in the way most people mean wild. I'm as clean cut as they get, but I've gotta lot of California hippy and kind of nomadic urges. As I've gotten older, the nomadic nature has toned down, but the crunchy hippy in me has gotten stronger. lol

I think I maybe finally found "the one" though. We've only been dating for a few months now, but we've been close friends for over 15 years. There's never been so much as a flirtation between us because we both thought the other didn't see us that way, but he's one of the most kind, supportive, wonderful people I know. I don't think I've ever known anyone to have anything negative to say about him in all this time, except that he is such a nurturer that he seems to attract needy unsupportive women. That's not me. If anything, our issue is the opposite. I have to learn to let him do more for me so he doesn't feel useless. lol He has been a good friend to me since before I even met XH, and was there all through the divorce and the kidnapping and murders and ALL of it. He's been just biding his time since the kids and I moved back home, waiting for my life and emotions to stabilize enough that I am ready to get into a serious relationship. When he saw that had happened, he told me how he felt about me and we started going out. I'm totally all mushy in love. We've had a deep love between us for so long as friends, that everything just transitioned smoothly right over to a romantic love. He definitely would like to see this be long term and forever, but wants to "do things right" as do I. We are trying not to let ourselves jump into anything too serious too fast. Normally the kids don't meet anyone I date, but being such a close friend he's around us all the time already. The kids adore him and also hope things will last, too, though we're being delicate about their exposure to us saying anything like that yet. Honestly, I think I'm the only one of the four of us that isn't comfortable just going ahead at light speed, but there it is. I ended up w XH because I was too trusting and didn't take the time to get to really know him. I'm strongly of the opinion that you can't have any idea how a relationship will work until you've had a couple good fights, for one thing. How people deal with those big issues gives you a LOT of info about how they deal with all the little stuff that comes up daily. We had our first really good fight the other day, though, so we're on our way. lol (he and Crash were SWORD FIGHTING in the livingroom! I yelled at them and told them they'd both be grounded if they did it again...Crash to the house, and bf FROM the house. lol He went outside and pouted and said he didn't like being treated like a kid. I told him he shouldn't act like one...It went over as well as one would expect. lol We ended up hashing things out here and there all day. It was exhausting!)

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#5 of 47 Old 08-04-2010, 01:06 PM
 
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I've had two dates now with the same man. There is NO spark of a future at all there - but we did have fun, ate good food and its a start. Now I just have to figure out how to fairly and nicely appropriate not go out with him again..
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#6 of 47 Old 08-04-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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incorrigible, it's interesting to hear what you say about a friendship smoothly transitioning into romantic love. For the first time in my life that seems to be happening with me...well, not as close a friend as you describe at all, just a friend of a friend who I've had a few conversations with, and never really thought of romantically at all - suddenly things are happening with us and it's freaking me out a bit...I've always approached relat's from the other end - that is, sexual/romantic stuff happening first, then friendship developing. This is very different. We are talking about our values, what we want, he is hanging out with me and my son together (he's brilliant with him), and nothing sexual has happened between us yet - just the acknowledgment that we are both attracted to each other and that we think we may well be what each other is looking for...a commitment to going down that path together. It feels realy 'unknown' but really right as well. One part that freaks me out a bit is he says he wants 3 kids and a partner who is mostly at home with the kids, and I have just started clawing back my career and my 'me time' now that my son is nearly 3 - although I want more children I just don't know how that's going to pan out.
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#7 of 47 Old 08-06-2010, 02:53 PM
 
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deleting for privacy
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#8 of 47 Old 08-06-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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momanderson,

Sorry to hear about ending things badly with paramedic, but great that you feel okay with it.
It was a good learning experience.
Can I ask what are the things you learned from your just-ended relationship, if it's not too personal??

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#9 of 47 Old 08-06-2010, 10:37 PM
 
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I'm here, but I've got nothin' doin'.......went on a really horrid date on Saturday night with a guy from match.com and have had lots of other icky men contact me there, but no one I'd like to meet up with. But, I have profiles up there, and on the local dating site. Why, I'm not totally sure, but who knows, maybe something will come of it.

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy busy busy with kids, work, school, and making new friends and connections in my community, which feels really good. I am really torn between feeling like my life is pretty great and doesn't really have time/space for a regular boyfriend in it, and really wishing I had a "someone" in my life to be enjoying things with....

And if anyone remembers the two guys I'd mentioned in the past, ATG, who I was smitten with and dating this winter, is still around as a friend. He is seeing someone, and told me recently that he thinks she is jealous of me, which made me laugh, and then cry, because really? I *hate* insecure catty women, and I'm terrified of them. But ATG assured me that he wasn't going to give up our friendship b/c of it, but we'll see. I got burned so hard, in this exact type of situation, with Complications and his new GF, that I've got a real chip on my shoulder about it.

Photoguy and I had a semi-regular political relationship, but he is now seeing someone regularly, so that's done. He also "wants to be friends" but we had less of a friendship to in the first place, so I'm not sure how much I want to invest. Then again, he just moved to the town I live in, and is now a neighbor, and he is *truly* a good person, and I need all the friends and helpful neighbors I can get, so we'll see.

Hmm.. who else? Oh, blast from the past, if anyone remembers Jester, my neighbor from last spring? He got married this weekend, to a woman he met just before he and I hooked up, and who he decided to start seeing regularly right after the second time we hooked up....

I'm not at all emotional about that, and am truly happy for them, but am also just....eh! Everyone who breaks up with me seems to go on, immediately, to a long term, serious relationship. I'm not so thrilled about that, can't figure it out. I'm tired of men telling me "I just don't want a relationship right now" and then promptly getting into one. I mean I *KNOW* it's just a line, but still. I'm sick of hearing it.

/rant off/

Sorry. Didn't realize I had that much rant in me!

Good to hear updates from y'all. I'll try to be more present in this thread, I miss you guys!
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#10 of 47 Old 08-10-2010, 12:05 AM
 
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hey all, i'm back. looks like an active month for some.

here, well, life is full of surprises. was due to sign divorce papers a couple of weeks ago and couldn't do it. had a lot going on at the time and it was one grief too many. ex was totally great about it, and paid for me to go on a meditation retreat for my bday. wow.

so i went away last week and pondered my marriage and divorce and concluded i really need to stay single and take care of myself and get clear right now. took myself off match.com, decided to stick with meetup for fun activites.
went out fri night to hear music with a meetup group, next thing you know i meet a man who is so totally *not* my type but the chemistry was intense, sparks flying, and long story short we spent most of the weekend together. I'll call him The Scientist.

I feel so strange about it all. I *never* usually behave like this, going home with a guy on the first meeting (ok not since my 20's), and this was (almost, Chicago Guy was the first) the first physical connection since my husband, so all very intense. But he is the calmest man i've ever met, very gentle and sensitive and respectful. He said he felt i needed to be "held" by someone, without chaos or drama. He was so spot on! I don't think there's really any relationship potential here, but a very strong sweet connection..I was upfront about my wanting to be single right now.

Question for you mamas..anyone else feel twinges of guilt being physical with someone again? part of me feels so irresponsible, and part of me knows it was so good for me. I think too theres a big element of not wanting to hurt anyone, especially after hurting my husband, another sensitive respectful man. Meanwhile Chicago Guy is back again, wanting to reconnect. He's so much more complicated and yet he's the one i keep getting drawn back to. Is this kind of a typical post-divorce dating pattern, maybe?? I feel like I'm spinning a bit. Got to take good care of my heart.
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#11 of 47 Old 08-10-2010, 12:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by incorrigible View Post
I'm no help w The Artist. I always assume "he's just not that into me" and fall into a comfortable friendship with those kind of guys...only to find out years later they were really into me but thought "I" wasn't interested. =/ Best of luck figuring out what's going on in his brain.
This is what I am scarred of. Overall I think it's mostly timing but your new love interest gives me hope!

Quote:
Originally Posted by incorrigible View Post
I'm not generally all that concerned with "careers". Actually, I don't tend to fit well with guys with established careers in general. A steady job, though, is a different story. Work, support himself, etc. Being able to pull his own weight is one of my (admittedly few) basic requirements. Career men call me too wild, though. lol Not at all in the way most people mean wild. I'm as clean cut as they get, but I've gotta lot of California hippy and kind of nomadic urges. As I've gotten older, the nomadic nature has toned down, but the crunchy hippy in me has gotten stronger. lol
Well a steady job would be a good thing too! Most of the new the prospects unworthy of mention here all seem underemployed. I did not even know men like this would approach women.

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I think I maybe finally found "the one" though. We've only been dating for a few months now, but we've been close friends for over 15 years. There's never been so much as a flirtation between us because we both thought the other didn't see us that way, but he's one of the most kind, supportive, wonderful people I know. I don't think I've ever known anyone to have anything negative to say about him in all this time, except that he is such a nurturer that he seems to attract needy unsupportive women. That's not me. If anything, our issue is the opposite. I have to learn to let him do more for me so he doesn't feel useless. lol He has been a good friend to me since before I even met XH, and was there all through the divorce and the kidnapping and murders and ALL of it. He's been just biding his time since the kids and I moved back home, waiting for my life and emotions to stabilize enough that I am ready to get into a serious relationship. When he saw that had happened, he told me how he felt about me and we started going out. I'm totally all mushy in love. We've had a deep love between us for so long as friends, that everything just transitioned smoothly right over to a romantic love. He definitely would like to see this be long term and forever, but wants to "do things right" as do I. We are trying not to let ourselves jump into anything too serious too fast. Normally the kids don't meet anyone I date, but being such a close friend he's around us all the time already. The kids adore him and also hope things will last, too, though we're being delicate about their exposure to us saying anything like that yet. Honestly, I think I'm the only one of the four of us that isn't comfortable just going ahead at light speed, but there it is. I ended up w XH because I was too trusting and didn't take the time to get to really know him. I'm strongly of the opinion that you can't have any idea how a relationship will work until you've had a couple good fights, for one thing. How people deal with those big issues gives you a LOT of info about how they deal with all the little stuff that comes up daily. We had our first really good fight the other day, though, so we're on our way. lol (he and Crash were SWORD FIGHTING in the livingroom! I yelled at them and told them they'd both be grounded if they did it again...Crash to the house, and bf FROM the house. lol He went outside and pouted and said he didn't like being treated like a kid. I told him he shouldn't act like one...It went over as well as one would expect. lol We ended up hashing things out here and there all day. It was exhausting!)
This gives me hope!!!! I would be careful to not make your man feel like a child ~ it hurts their ego. You gotta deal with correcting him behind closed doors for his ego as well as the fact that you don't want to undermine him in front of the kiddo so one day when has has to discipline your kiddo that the child views him as an adult. That said, I love that you got past the first fight. I have never thought about a fight as a turning point but indeed you are right. I am cheering you on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JunipersMom View Post
I've had two dates now with the same man. There is NO spark of a future at all there - but we did have fun, ate good food and its a start. Now I just have to figure out how to fairly and nicely appropriate not go out with him again..
I would simply tell him you are really busy right now and don't feel you can date ongoing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post
incorrigible, it's interesting to hear what you say about a friendship smoothly transitioning into romantic love. For the first time in my life that seems to be happening with me...well, not as close a friend as you describe at all, just a friend of a friend who I've had a few conversations with, and never really thought of romantically at all - suddenly things are happening with us and it's freaking me out a bit...I've always approached relat's from the other end - that is, sexual/romantic stuff happening first, then friendship developing. This is very different. We are talking about our values, what we want, he is hanging out with me and my son together (he's brilliant with him), and nothing sexual has happened between us yet - just the acknowledgment that we are both attracted to each other and that we think we may well be what each other is looking for...a commitment to going down that path together. It feels realy 'unknown' but really right as well. One part that freaks me out a bit is he says he wants 3 kids and a partner who is mostly at home with the kids, and I have just started clawing back my career and my 'me time' now that my son is nearly 3 - although I want more children I just don't know how that's going to pan out.
This this this is the situation in the beginning with the Artist and I. I think the "unknown" got to me and the timing was not ideal for him to go to the next step. I hope it turns around though. It is amazing to find a man that makes you feel that way without the physical clouding your mind. I feel it makes the physical better!

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Originally Posted by momanderson View Post
Well ladies I am back! Single again and strangely ok with it. Paramedic and I ended things not very well today. I just looked for fun and he's already back on POF after telling me he just wanted to spend the summer alone with his boys. oh and he used a picture I took of him from my face book in his profile!!! tacky or what?

A friend is coming over later to help me set up my new profile on pof! I guess whats god for the goose is good for the gander right?!

I'm also going to court with ex at the end f the month for custody and support to be formalized and am trying to get him to let me buy him out of the house, but he's nt really willing for some dumb reason. Looking at school in January too.

Thats where I'm at in a nut shell!

I'm feeling much more open to meeting guys this time around and hopefully learned a lot from my last relationship.
Sorry things ended badly I was hoping the best for you two. That is tacky to use your pic but also flattering I guess.....

Good luck on your court items!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#12 of 47 Old 08-11-2010, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm seeing the perfect guy. We've hung out 9 times in two weeks. He makes time for me like nobody's business. Only when he's working does he not suggest we meet up (and even then he's sending lots of long text messages). He's responsible, mature, established, successful, tall, handsome, kind, educated, talented, intelligent and we can talk for 18 hours about our common interests.

However, he won't make a move. (and no flirting either, really) Not even when I try to get the ball rolling by, say, sitting in his lap and leaning in close. Is he just not that into me???
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#13 of 47 Old 08-12-2010, 08:34 AM
 
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Butterflymom,

Maybe he really respects you, and would like to get to know you better before making any physical moves?? Two weeks is a short time to know someone...

Enjoy your time with him, take it for what it is (obviously he likes spending time with you), and when things do happen, they'll be magical.

Patience!!

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#14 of 47 Old 08-13-2010, 05:06 AM
 
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LoveOhm, yes,I guess the connection BEFORE getting physical can make the physical better...but it's been two weeks and all we've done is kiss a couple of times. I must admit sex is a big part of relationships for me and I'm starting to think ,what's the point of proceeding only to find out maybe we're not sexually compatible? Actually, I wonder if anyone has any advice or insight into this: I've been feeling really suddenly completely turned off this guy, since things got very emotionally close, and feeling a physical revulsion, wanting to push him away. When we kissed and touched before, it felt good and the chemistry was good, and every time we hugged, I could feel that energy between us - as well as a 'loving' energy.

But now... I just feel so overwhelmed and invaded by his complete emotional honesty and openness and it feels too much, I think it has made me go into 'retreat and protect' mode. I don't know how to change this pattern. I think there's a lot of potential with this guy - he certainly breaks the mould of past relationships - and part of the problem is, I've always had relationships where there was a lot of distance between us, where essentially we had our own separate lives (even when living together) and just joined together in a cyclical fashion. These past men were always 'push-pull' with me, distant and unavailable in some ways (like my father)... and this guy is not like that at all. He's like a rock - just staying there, in the face of my withdrawal, and not withdrawing. It freaks the **** out of me.I really don't want to just run away and give up, but these feelings are so strong.
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#15 of 47 Old 08-13-2010, 09:14 AM
 
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I'm so glad this thread is here. Next weekend I'm going on my first gate in 10 years!

Rox, HAPPY homeschooling AP single mama to the three joys in my life, DD (6), DD (4), and DS (2 months), and birth and postpartum doula.
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#16 of 47 Old 08-14-2010, 06:42 PM
 
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No dates for me. I am talking to a guy who lives 15 minutes from me. A cute graphics designer who works two jobs and has his 7 old DD every weekend. Maybe a date sometime in the future? Otherwise I just have no time for such things lol.
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#17 of 47 Old 08-17-2010, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Devaya, your guy sounds awesome!

so as for me, Sweetie Sweeterson & I are together constantly. 3 weeks of dating so far (more than a dozen get togethers,--- lately all the time).

SS is too perfect....the guy with the ice scraper all the way. Everything is ao perfect . Details in private.
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#18 of 47 Old 08-17-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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Hi girls.
Loveohm, is it really so complicated. Can't you just talk to him (The Artist) I mean. Tell him how you feel and ask what he feels? It sounds like your relationship is close enough that you can talk about such things?

Momanderson: So sorry about the whole paramedic story

Butterflymom: Cheering for you :cheer:

I haven't been around here for months. Nothing new here. Still dating Manager. Went on a vacation together with all our kids this summer. Part of me is thinking this is very convenient. He is definately a guy with an icescraper. He will do anything for me it seems, is always acting mature and with emotional insight, compassion, empathy and knowledge. He is very smart, has a good job and is crazy about me and I do care for him. So in short I havent been able to let go of him. But still there is only one guy in my heart and he broke me 9 months ago. So no news. Stuck in the same old mess.

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#19 of 47 Old 08-18-2010, 12:18 AM
 
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Hi. I've now been on my first, second and third date!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been single for over a year now and it just started to get to me last month.
So this new man....three dates and I feel like I want 10,000. But I'm scared sh*tless! Because I care. I wasn't really expecting to have the nerves again at such a lame old age. "Does he like me? Should I call? Will my saggy post-birth belly bother him?"
It's insane and uncomfortable and wonderful and annoying at the same time. I am so much just trying to enjoy the moment but I feel myself hoping. And it's way too soon to hope. And I can feel already that if he just disappeared... there would be a hole.
And I've been cruising along so happily for so many months now. Why did I allow someone to have the power to sock a hole in my chest??
SCARY.
And I believe with all my heart that a man would be lucky to have me. so why do I lose all memory of that knowledge when I need it?

I'm crazy.

BTW, we emailed for quite awhile so it's been more than three dates worth of getting to know him.
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#20 of 47 Old 08-19-2010, 05:51 AM
 
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artgirl, I know so much that feeling of getting sucked into the 'hope' thing....even when you know you deserve a good man, etc etc.

I love this term 'guy with the ice scraper' but not sure exactly what it means - anyone clarify please? Butterflymom, great to hear you're getting to spend so much time with your man and that it's all going so great!

Roxanne, good luck with your first date in 10 years - that's really big!

As for me, I had a great evening last night with my new man, who I'll call 'The Musician'. (he's lots of other things too, but that's least likely to identify him to anyone else). And...wow...it's all amazing. But still, something doesn't feel quite right, and i'm not sure if it's just my fear and resistance to finally being with a 'good guy' rather than an asshole, or if there's really something not right. It could just be that he's not my preferred physical 'type' - I mean that stuff is just so deeply set I find. But here's the big thing...he confessed that he has a certain STD which has really freaked me out, to be honest. What would you guys do? I mean, it's not a fatal one, but I don't fancy catching anything, esp something that could affect my ability to give birth naturally. (We've not slept together yet - but things are progressing nicely in that direction now). I said I needed time to digest the information, and I think he was hurt...but it's quite a big deal for me. I now realise though that that could be partly why he's been taking it so slowly in the physical department... putting off having to have 'that conversation'. I respect his honesty and courage massively though...
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#21 of 47 Old 08-19-2010, 01:08 PM
 
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In the meantime, I'm keeping busy busy busy with kids, work, school, and making new friends and connections in my community, which feels really good. I am really torn between feeling like my life is pretty great and doesn't really have time/space for a regular boyfriend in it, and really wishing I had a "someone" in my life to be enjoying things with....
I really understand this feeling. My life is so full and productive in a healthy way. Still quite often I feel a desire to share my days and certain activities with "someone"..... I have found a balance in casually dating as a solo mama but a serious relationship that requires significant amounts of time and emotional investment seem harder to wrap my mind around unless we can bypass all the initial "dating" to the "in a relationship" place.

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And if anyone remembers the two guys I'd mentioned in the past, ATG, who I was smitten with and dating this winter, is still around as a friend. He is seeing someone, and told me recently that he thinks she is jealous of me, which made me laugh, and then cry, because really? I *hate* insecure catty women, and I'm terrified of them. But ATG assured me that he wasn't going to give up our friendship b/c of it, but we'll see. I got burned so hard, in this exact type of situation, with Complications and his new GF, that I've got a real chip on my shoulder about it.

Photoguy and I had a semi-regular political relationship, but he is now seeing someone regularly, so that's done. He also "wants to be friends" but we had less of a friendship to in the first place, so I'm not sure how much I want to invest. Then again, he just moved to the town I live in, and is now a neighbor, and he is *truly* a good person, and I need all the friends and helpful neighbors I can get, so we'll see.

Hmm.. who else? Oh, blast from the past, if anyone remembers Jester, my neighbor from last spring? He got married this weekend, to a woman he met just before he and I hooked up, and who he decided to start seeing regularly right after the second time we hooked up....

I'm not at all emotional about that, and am truly happy for them, but am also just....eh! Everyone who breaks up with me seems to go on, immediately, to a long term, serious relationship. I'm not so thrilled about that, can't figure it out. I'm tired of men telling me "I just don't want a relationship right now" and then promptly getting into one. I mean I *KNOW* it's just a line, but still. I'm sick of hearing it.
I do hope that you and ATG can stay friends but I completely understand you being on edge after the past friendships that have been strained because of insecure women. But then again it also means these men speak with a warmth or fondness that means you left an deep impression on them which is a compliment.

Photoguy seems like better left in the past but maybe you can be friends but really do you have time for friendships that can only go so far.....?? I find my time is so limited I would hate wasting it with a ton of male friends that there is no potential with. I am truly not judging but wondering. How do you balance that?

Congrats for Jester and how well you are doing with it. Maybe you should charge his new wife with a matchmaker fee since you mold them in the men they are supposed to me. Maybe you could be my matchmakers (JUST KIDDING) It's a tough position but it's amazing how you are in a healthy places and can ponder the reasons behind the past relationships. And truly it is a compliment in one way that men can have healthy relationships after you IF you were crazy or something your ex's would just play the field or be scarred of women..... so while I know it's not your happily ever after and not the end goal I do think it would be crazy to not see that you are and have been of value to them.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#22 of 47 Old 08-19-2010, 05:46 PM
 
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Well...I haven't written on here in quite a while. I was dating on Match.com for a while. Went on 7 dates with a guy that works for Keiser with nothing more than so so conversation and a few pecks on the lips. He is a nice person, makes good money, but I was so turned off by his lack of risk taking. He's 'been hurt in the past...' I am so over that. I want to love and not worry about heartbreak because that is always a possibility..... He wants to see eachother again, but I have someone else in mind.....

We can call him MO. I met him though a friend and from the first time we met I feel at home with him. He is super wonderfull with ds. He is someone I could actually consider as a male role model for ds. He is masculine, but gentle and liberal at the same time. The catch is...he left town to go do some wonderful work in africa and will be back in a month or so. As of now we are just friends. After he left we text a little, talked on the phone once and then yesterday I recieved a package in the mail full of hand-me-down toys/books for ds and a SWEET letter for me, saying that I am an incredible person, that he is thinking of me and is looking forward to coming home. Basically my heart is melting. He is 8 years younger than me, so at first I dismissed the idea but now I think I am over that.

Whew, thats all for now. A part of me wonders if I need to be dating in the meantime but then I wonder if there is any point to that. Do I go out with Keiser guy again just to kill some time or see if maybe there is more of a connection than I think?
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#23 of 47 Old 08-20-2010, 02:58 AM
 
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ACK! I have the hole now. My 3-dater dumped me. Oh so graciously. Really, he couldn't have been kinder. He's on a mission to find someone and if it's not there instantly, he's out. No taking time to get to know someone. And I respect that. He's going to make someone a very happy woman. I am sorry it won't be me. And OUCH. Ouch that hurts. I was really liking him. And we made out on the couch and I REALLY liked that. It's so hard not to berate yourself for what you may have done "wrong". There's nothing wrong when two people just don't match.

Sucks not to have something to look forward to now though. Sucks to have the hope taken away for the time being.

Devaya... about the musician and the STD. Oh that's a tough one!! But I notice in your writing that you are already saying that he's not quite right for you even before you get to the news of the STD. Physically he's not your usual type, there seems to be something just a little off. I wouldn't take the risk of the STD lightly...and only consider it if the guy is absolutely earth shattering. It's not a deal breaker...but it certainly ups the ante. Once upon a time when I was younger (a lot) and stupider (a lot) I slept with a man who had an STD. He was also very honest and I admired that. Almost felt obligated to go through with it because he HAD been so honest. I did NOT get it. But I was a wreck afterward. Wondering how I could've been so stupid. He was not worth it. And I was incredibly worried, waiting to see if I'd have a breakout. It was horrible.
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#24 of 47 Old 08-20-2010, 05:16 AM
 
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muse - Congrats on signing your divorce papers and I am really happy your ex was so understanding to the time you needed and what a surprise to have an ex give such a meaningful gift for your birthday as you part ways. I truly believe when you stop looking and leave yourself open to the universe amazing things happen. How are things with The Scientist now? You said you don't feel there is relationship potential has that changed? If not do you think you could be in each others' lives in someway because you do seem like you want to be "held".

To answer your question being physical for the first time with someone new was bitter-sweet for me. It was amazingly liberating for me but my bliss and peacefulness the next morning also woke me up to just how over my ex I was. All my feelings for my ex were completely gone. No anger, no hurt, no compassion just indifference. This feeling of indifference for my ex of course was not doing to my physical act..... but I think that final step helped me see how far I had come. That said, I was not the one doing the hurting.

Roxanne600 - Welcome and make sure to give us an update on your date!

Vannienicole - I really struggled to find time to date in the beginning and I have found that is does take work and understanding on his part but it can be done. Lunch dates are favorites for me in the beginning because I can arrange a playdate or my daughter is in school so no extra childcare hassle. I also really like the concept of living room dates that take place in your home after your child is asleep but that would be when I knew someone well and were pretty committed or on that path. Sadly I don't have my own place to do that with yet. The other thing that has worked with me is to swap childcare with another single mom with a daughter around my daughter's age. Good luck finding the balance. I would not sweat it, you will find the time when your ready.

Butterflymom - I am really excited for you and SS!!!! U deserve happiness.

I will try to respond to those I missed tomorrow. I am heading to bed now.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#25 of 47 Old 08-20-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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LoveOhm,

Thanks for the kind advice. I just figure that once things settle more, i'll find the time somewhere.
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#26 of 47 Old 08-20-2010, 11:55 PM
 
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mamas I am SOOOOO glad for this thread. I have never been through such a rollercoaster as trying to date as a single mom. It is so totally different than before marriage/kids and it's hard to explain to anyone unless they're in it. I'm reading all your stories and taking them in just not getting time to respond to them all.

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muse - How are things with The Scientist now? You said you don't feel there is relationship potential has that changed? If not do you think you could be in each others' lives in someway because you do seem like you want to be "held".
great question. I thought maybe so after some really sweet phone conversations that made me feel mroe connected. but this week we got together and I had been very clear I wanted us to connect without sex being involved, to take a walk & have dinner. But it was so clear from the minute he arrived (red wine in hand, very flirtatious) that he was wanting more. It was kind of overwhelming him telling me how much he'd missed me, how he thinks of me all the time yada yada...we *just met* for chrissakes! I ended up not keeping my own boundary and then totally regretted that and had to ask him to leave my home (politely, after we talked it all through). It was clear to me at that point that we can't stay in touch, and i haven't heard form him since wed. However sweet he seems he is also not respecting me telling him that I'm in a vulnerable place right now or respecting the limits I set. And if I can't keep to my own limits then I shouldn't be in this situation...URGH. I feel icky that I let him into my bed; the first man since my husband. DAMN.

I put myself back on match though I'm not sure if I can be dating right now, but I have been alone for so damn long now I'm sick of it . Where oh where is a grown up man that can connect maturely, can wait for sex, and can respect where I'm at....??

And I have to look at myself: how can i go about this in a healthier way than staying in an emotionally abusive situation with someone 2,000 miles away and then jumping into bed with a stranger...NONE of this is *anything* like me at any point in my life, but I guess divorce can do some crazy stuff to you...and also maybe I need to get something out my system that I never did when i was younger. i dunno. thank goodness for therapy is all i can say right now.
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#27 of 47 Old 08-21-2010, 12:05 AM
 
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I wouldn't take the risk of the STD lightly...and only consider it if the guy is absolutely earth shattering. It's not a deal breaker...but it certainly ups the ante. Once upon a time when I was younger (a lot) and stupider (a lot) I slept with a man who had an STD. He was also very honest and I admired that. Almost felt obligated to go through with it because he HAD been so honest. I did NOT get it. But I was a wreck afterward. Wondering how I could've been so stupid. He was not worth it. And I was incredibly worried, waiting to see if I'd have a breakout. It was horrible.
Devaya, I can't speak to your situation, but i can relate to what artgirl wrote. Won't go into details but I put myself in a somewhat similar situation with Chicago Guy. Bad bad bad bad bad.....I think sometimes when a man is so upfront and open about something it makes us feel closer to & more trusting of them than maybe we should, and we miss some major red flags.
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#28 of 47 Old 08-21-2010, 04:51 AM
 
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As for me, I had a great evening last night with my new man, who I'll call 'The Musician'. (he's lots of other things too, but that's least likely to identify him to anyone else). And...wow...it's all amazing. But still, something doesn't feel quite right, and i'm not sure if it's just my fear and resistance to finally being with a 'good guy' rather than an asshole, or if there's really something not right. It could just be that he's not my preferred physical 'type' - I mean that stuff is just so deeply set I find. But here's the big thing...he confessed that he has a certain STD which has really freaked me out, to be honest. What would you guys do? I mean, it's not a fatal one, but I don't fancy catching anything, esp something that could affect my ability to give birth naturally. (We've not slept together yet - but things are progressing nicely in that direction now). I said I needed time to digest the information, and I think he was hurt...but it's quite a big deal for me. I now realise though that that could be partly why he's been taking it so slowly in the physical department... putting off having to have 'that conversation'. I respect his honesty and courage massively though...
My response is that you should take some deep thought before sleeping with anyone.

I would look at some stats on that STD but if it's what I assume it is please know that it is suspected that half the US Population is speculated to carry at least one form of that STD and that 20 - 25% of prego mother's have it and most can birth naturally. My mother actually has that STD and married my step dad: it's been 20+ years and he has never contracted it and they have two sons both born vaginally and don't use condoms just like most married couples. Also there are options to help reduce your chances of contracting it..... but those are options because he knows he has this. What scares me more is that "Studies have shown that the vast majority (80-90%) of people who have said STD have not been diagnosed." and "Approximately 20% of the people with said STD never have symptoms." So basically anyone you are physical with has a large risk of having this STD even if they have never had a sign or have been diagnosed. That unknown is scary, Oh and you can be tested and it not show up......

So overall I think I would say that there is always a risk when you are being intimate with someone. I don't feel that the STD itself is a big deal but I do feel any time I elect to be physical with someone that it should be a conscious decision that I don't make lightly. I would follow your intuition and heart. Since you really like him, I would take it slow and see where things go.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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#29 of 47 Old 08-22-2010, 03:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think LoveOhm is dead on about the HSVI&HSVII (that's what we're discussing, right?). The stats get even way higher & more 'hopeless' (if we're discussing trying to avoid exposure) if we discuss the dozens of strains of HPV out there in the vast majority of the adult population. Americans make a MUCH bigger deal about this than in Europe, and what LoveOhm said about most not being diagnosed and many never having showed a single sign, etc, is spot-on and is kind of an eye-opener when it comes to sleeping with anyone.
My mom homebirthed me with it and I didn't catch it and I have homebirthed with the virus deeply dormant in my system as well without a single issue. (Caught it from my ex the second we TTC'd, but immune response was so swift and total --i.e. I was crazy sick-- and antibody level was so off the charts that since then, 8 years ago, it's stayed entirely dormant and never resurfaces, which means, in practice, that it's living in the base of my spine the same way chicken pox is stored deeply away and out of my life, and causes me no issues and I'm not contagious. But that's just me and my immune response was quite a bit higher and more of a 'perfect natural vaccine' type reaction than most get). For many of us, it's a non-issue, just to provide a different perspective. But of course it's not desirable to catch it. If you're not sure about this guy, why go all the way? Take it slow for now, especially given the situation.

SS is a peach. Pics in private.
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#30 of 47 Old 08-22-2010, 04:51 AM
 
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Butterflymom, that's wonderful to hear that your man has turned out to be a winner. Muse, I think a rollercoaster is a very accurate way to describe this dating as a single mom thing. It certainly is completely different to dating before motherhood, and I feel some grief about that... but trying to roll with the punches. In a way things in my experience have been becoming much more 'real' (ie the relat gets tested earlier) very quickly - in the two short relationships I had before this one, and the current one.

Thanks everyone for the advice and info re the STD issue (yes, ButterflyMom, its HSV - not sure which one tho - and apparently they don't necessarily know which one it is anymore). I am going to take it slow and not jump into anything, certainly not until I feel really 100 % positive about The Musician, and until I find enough information to my satisfaction about the health side. He said it's not been an issue for any previous partners, which surprised me.

As for the 'feeling something's not quite right' thing, that is rapidly disappearing as I get to know him and am setting my own boundaries better,talking about it as soon as something comes up instead of letting it build up. This is a massive lesson for me in relationships. I am getting used to the way he's not my physical type and finding him more and more genuinely attractive (just for the record, he's not NOT good looking, he's just not my usual type ) and part of that is due to us being more physically involved now, after all the chemistry is brilliant. Still, I have to reign myself in a bit bc I know how I can get carried away, esp when someone is romantic and enthusiastic about me...and him being so good with my son and so up for spending time all 3 of us (as well as the 2 of us).
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