Does 50/50 custody effect child support? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 01:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Please delete.

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#2 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 02:58 PM
 
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Child support is calculated based on what you are each making and how much time the child spends with each parent. If you are both making just about the same amount and split custody equally there may be no requirement for child support, if one of you makes more you will have to pay the other child support no matter which one of you it is. If you are both making less than you would working full time at minimum wage then they may calculate the child support based on minimum wage for both of you, they do the same for just one person making less than minimum wage. I think you should try to get a job that will allow you to be self-sufficient and not rely on money that may not be there, especially if you are going to split custody and both of you are going to work very little.
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#3 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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50/50 DOES affect child support greatly. If he carries insurance it will also count as support on his side. With those 2 things you may get very little in actual money.

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#4 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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This is not a response to you question because it has been answered, but when going to court, I don't know how the judge will think about you caring for other children (you said you will do childcare) and allowing a 50/50 arrangement with your ex. I don't think you really know what is 50/50. Half of your child's life will be with your stbx. I think it would be a good idea to see a counselor and pysch so address your depression you mentioned, so you can spend alot of time with your child, be her number 1 influence and also your stbx can still have adequete time with your daughter for him to enjoy her. REally really think this through before you agree to it, and please talk it over with an attorney too. Your child may not like this if the realationship gets sticky. I can't imagein personally sending my children for a 50/50.

An alternate schedule could be worked out for every weekend from Friday night till Saturday night, then he could pick her up twice in the week for overnights. I personally think that children do better when the seperation is no more than four days. I hate my arrangement right now, where two of my children are with their dad for 33 days in the summer. I hold my breath and just wait till they are home.

Think this one through. Really. Best of luck on this process.

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#5 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 03:42 PM
 
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Also, I want to point out that putting her in daycare for 6 hours a day and taking a part time job may help you with your issues, and then you can continue to be a near full time mom. I'm thinking you really need to get some emotional and legal help with this before you make a big mistake. I normally don't express my opinions here too much, but I couldn't help it.

Take care, and find ways to get help so you don't have to do this.

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#6 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband is in the military, makes $3200 a month, and gets free health care for all of us (until we are officially divorced. At that time, I will get government health care and my daughter stays on his policy, but he still doesn't have to pay for it.) I will be making $1200 a month. So he makes 2.5 times what I make. So I will still get some child support, right?

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#7 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Jyotsna View Post
This is not a response to you question because it has been answered, but when going to court, I don't know how the judge will think about you caring for other children (you said you will do childcare) and allowing a 50/50 arrangement with your ex. I don't think you really know what is 50/50. Half of your child's life will be with your stbx. I think it would be a good idea to see a counselor and pysch so address your depression you mentioned, so you can spend alot of time with your child, be her number 1 influence and also your stbx can still have adequete time with your daughter for him to enjoy her. REally really think this through before you agree to it, and please talk it over with an attorney too. Your child may not like this if the realationship gets sticky. I can't imagein personally sending my children for a 50/50.

An alternate schedule could be worked out for every weekend from Friday night till Saturday night, then he could pick her up twice in the week for overnights. I personally think that children do better when the seperation is no more than four days. I hate my arrangement right now, where two of my children are with their dad for 33 days in the summer. I hold my breath and just wait till they are home.

Think this one through. Really. Best of luck on this process.
I don't think it's fair for him to give up the entire weekend, every weekend--this will only result in him doing what he needs to do (errands, laundry, housecleaning etc) all weekend and not being able to do fun things with her when he does have her. With me working during the week, that means no weekend time for me to spend with her either. I'm not sure how working is going to be relaxing time away from her...it will just leave me less time to do my errands and things around the house, and make me more stressed when I am with her. When I say 50/50, I mean, Saturday afternoon to Tuesday night--and even still, chances are I am going to be caring for her during the day on Monday and Tuesday still...not an entire week away from her. I feel like two overnights and every other weekend or whatever is just so inconsistent. I can't imagine shuffling her around that much.

I also don't understand this implication that there is something wrong with me for not being a 'full time mom.' Of course I'm a full time mom. But her dad is a full time dad, too, and is just as important to her as I am. Yes, she will spend half her life with him--she is half him! I did not have a baby on my own. Maybe some people's XDH's are not as involved or emotionally invested in their children as my DH is, I don't know? I know a lot of people on MDC think mom is more essential, but I know my daughter and her dad's relationship, and I know that allowing them only every other weekend and random overnights together is not fair. Furthermore, my stbx is very respectful of mine and DD's relationship...if I feel it's not working, he will be open to changing it. We are not finalizing a divorce for a little while, so we have time to experiment and see what we want to do before locking it in.
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#8 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post
Child support is calculated based on what you are each making and how much time the child spends with each parent. If you are both making just about the same amount and split custody equally there may be no requirement for child support, if one of you makes more you will have to pay the other child support no matter which one of you it is. If you are both making less than you would working full time at minimum wage then they may calculate the child support based on minimum wage for both of you, they do the same for just one person making less than minimum wage. I think you should try to get a job that will allow you to be self-sufficient and not rely on money that may not be there, especially if you are going to split custody and both of you are going to work very little.
The job I am working pays more or the same than any other job I am qualified to do. My only post-high school work, volunteer, and education thus far has been in childcare, so I am making decent money for part time work. Also, I plan on going back to school full time in January. I'm not sure why you thought we were going to work very little...my DH is in the military and works full time. I am working part time, 21 hours a week.

Being military, my DH has no choice about paying child support, legally speaking. They will take it from him. So I'm not sure if you meant he might not pay me, might get his hours cut, etc...

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#9 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 06:19 PM
 
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Ihugs, many women on this board have a tendency to forget the importance of dad. Splitting 50/50 should be the goal or move to goal. Yes there is different patterns you can use.

Also, while you are still married get some counselling. Also, talk to the base Chaplin he might be able to help open up your ex about what is going on with out being punitive.

50/50 does not equate to no child support. Depending on the state depends on the formula. They will formulate it on his total income including baq, bas, and cola.

Try to stay away from needing child support to live. If for some reason it disappears, his death, separation from the military, et it could be devastating for you. For now, going to school might be the only way you can eventually get on your feet. Talk to a lawyer.
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#10 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 06:35 PM
 
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That's quite a judgement marsupialmom.

Yes if the dad has 50% custody it will greatly effect your child support amount. What about filing for alimony?
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#11 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 07:13 PM
 
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These are guidelines in Massachusetts, find out what your state's are:
Quote:
These guidelines are based upon the child(ren) having a primary residence with one parent and spending approximately one third of the time with the other parent. [One third is 2.33 days out of 7.]

Where two parents share equally, or approximately equally, the financial responsibility and parenting time for the child(ren), the child support shall be determined by calculating the child support guidelines twice, first with one parent as the Recipient, and second with the other parent as the Recipient. The difference in the calculations shall be paid to the parent with the lower weekly support amount.
http://www.mass.gov/courts/childsupport/guidelines.pdf
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#12 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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Washington's guidelines are unclear but you will definitely get a lower amount of childsupport if you use the 50/50. I'm concerned for you designating custody that way since what you're describing isn't 50/50. If you feel equally shared physical custody is best for your child I would recommend you ask for spousal support in addition to child support since you will not receive very much child support. Then you can pay your own bills. Since your stbx is military couldn't he be moved?
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#13 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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(forum crashing as a former single mama and current military spouse)..

OP, I'm going to be a little blunt about this 50/50 scenario and the extenuating factors you mentioned.

1. Your STBX is likely to PCS in the future. If a precident is set for essentially 50/50 custody, he may have a good case for primary custody, which means your DD moves with him.

2. Your STBX is likely to deploy again in the future. If so, you will be solo parenting your DD 24/7.

3. Given 1 & 2 listed above, your DD is not likely to have a stable 50/50 relationship with you and your DH. Military life is inherently unstable. That being said, wouldn't it be better to establish a workable EOW schedule that allows for some flexibility? If you maintain primary custody and a majority timeshare, your DD will have a stable home regardless of your DH's deployment and PCS plans.

I hope this post gave you some food for thought. Working on the PPD/anxiety may help to provide a clearer picture of the best options for your DD. Best of luck to all of you as you navigate this challenging time.

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#14 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 09:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ihugtrees View Post
The job I am working pays more or the same than any other job I am qualified to do. My only post-high school work, volunteer, and education thus far has been in childcare, so I am making decent money for part time work. Also, I plan on going back to school full time in January. I'm not sure why you thought we were going to work very little...my DH is in the military and works full time. I am working part time, 21 hours a week.

Being military, my DH has no choice about paying child support, legally speaking. They will take it from him. So I'm not sure if you meant he might not pay me, might get his hours cut, etc...
I misinterpreted your comment about neither of you wanting to work full-time and put her in daycare to mean that you were each going to work part-time (sometimes people get discharged from the military), which is very little and doesn't pay the bills unless you have an incredibly low cost of living. Some of this comes from my experience.

My ex was also military and it took almost a year before they got the paper work right and I started getting paid, the child support enforcement agency sent the request in several times and I finally had to track down the family support person and push them hard to consider my dd his family who needed support by getting the document in place. It was a nightmare! He also quit being in the military just after I started getting regular child support and it has been sporadic ever since then because his job situation has been sporadic. Child support is something that I have learned shouldn't be counted on because it isn't always steady. It is nice to have but it can come and go. You especially shouldn't count on it before you know how it will be calculated, it is possible that in your state you won't get any support if you are doing 50/50 and you will each have to make do with what you earn. It varies so much from state to state that you really should look into it and have the money in hand before you make plans around it.

It may be that since you are going for 50/50 he feels more invested in his child's life and will find the money to pay no matter what. The job market sucks right now and getting a job may not be easy if he gets out soon, even with an RN. (In our area RN's used to almost always have a job offer upon graduation, in the last class that graduated 2 had an offer). You are right that you can try to get a better job later, but it is very scary to be in that position and jobs are hard to come by now. Who knows what they will be later. If you can work more while he has his custody time you may find a decrease in a lot of the stress that comes with being a single mom and having a very small income.
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#15 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 09:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Soul-O View Post
(forum crashing as a former single mama and current military spouse)..

OP, I'm going to be a little blunt about this 50/50 scenario and the extenuating factors you mentioned.

1. Your STBX is likely to PCS in the future. If a precident is set for essentially 50/50 custody, he may have a good case for primary custody, which means your DD moves with him.

2. Your STBX is likely to deploy again in the future. If so, you will be solo parenting your DD 24/7.

3. Given 1 & 2 listed above, your DD is not likely to have a stable 50/50 relationship with you and your DH. Military life is inherently unstable. That being said, wouldn't it be better to establish a workable EOW schedule that allows for some flexibility? If you maintain primary custody and a majority timeshare, your DD will have a stable home regardless of your DH's deployment and PCS plans.

I hope this post gave you some food for thought. Working on the PPD/anxiety may help to provide a clearer picture of the best options for your DD. Best of luck to all of you as you navigate this challenging time.
My DH is on limited duty due to jaw issues and cannot be deployed. He has 4 year orders to his current duty station, and only 1.5 years left before his contract in the military is up. After that, he will begin working, as he is currently working on his RN. He has a ridiculously high credit score, is the most fiscally responsible man I've ever met, who takes his responsibilities VERY seriously. I am not worried about not getting paid, ever. If that were to happen, I could, at that point, go find a job and childcare and work on it then. I'm failing to see why I should be away from my daughter 40-50 hours a week NOW if I don't HAVE to, just *in case* my stbx one day has a complete personality/moral/character change. I also never said I was not working on my PPD and anxiety...I am waiting on a referral to a counselor and treating my depression with various natural supplements, which has significantly improved my mood & energy level. I am not unhappy and miserable all of the time...I just find it difficult to cope with caring for a child, a household, myself, completely on my own in a place I moved to a few months ago, 3,000 miles from all of my friends, family and hometown. ANYONE in my position would feel a little down, and I'll do what I have to do if for some reason he is deployed. How would my DH have any more leverage than me, any way, in a 50/50 custody arrangement should he PCS?

To everyone else:
I really don't understand why everyone on this forum is jumping down my throat for wanting my daughter to have an equal relationship with her father. I wasn't aware that this was a dad/men hating board.

Hundreds of thousands of women have struggled with PPD and depression and anxiety and emotional issues. That doesn't mean that I don't know what is best for my daughter. Being depressed doesn't mean I'm insane or not aware, as seems to be implied by more than one person in this thread, and I'm not sure why everyone here seems to think that it does. This is why people are not honest about their mental health, because there is such a stigma attached to it.

Not to mention, it's clear that the idea I frequently run across in the AP community is alive and kicking here: mom is not allowed a break. If you want a break, there must be something wrong with you, and you shouldn't be okay with your child being with anyone else, even her FATHER.

I came here for support and information, not to be treated like a lesser-than, a bad mother, a crazy person, etc etc. I'm honestly shocked at the reaction to this thread, and not sure I want to frequent this board after all.

Thank you to the people who gave me matter of fact information without the insults. I'm going to edit my original post to make it less controversial.

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#16 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 09:46 PM
 
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To everyone else:
I really don't understand why everyone on this forum is jumping down my throat for wanting my daughter to have an equal relationship with her father. I wasn't aware that this was a dad/men hating board.

Hundreds of thousands of women have struggled with PPD and depression and anxiety and emotional issues. That doesn't mean that I don't know what is best for my daughter. Being depressed doesn't mean I'm insane or not aware, as seems to be implied by more than one person in this thread, and I'm not sure why everyone here seems to think that it does. This is why people are not honest about their mental health, because there is such a stigma attached to it.

Not to mention, it's clear that the idea I frequently run across in the AP community is alive and kicking here: mom is not allowed a break. If you want a break, there must be something wrong with you, and you shouldn't be okay with your child being with anyone else, even her FATHER.

I came here for support and information, not to be treated like a lesser-than, a bad mother, a crazy person, etc etc. I'm honestly shocked at the reaction to this thread, and not sure I want to frequent this board after all.
I don't think anyone here has treated you as a lesser-than, bad, crazy mother, etc. Posters have simply been sharing information and personal stories, that's what forums are for.

Take what you want, leave the rest.

Personally, if my ex and I were sharing 50/50 custody - I wouldn't expect financial support. If he was caring for our child half the time, I would be comfortable supporting myself (and her) the other half the time.

However, I would carefully listen to Soul-O's post... sharing 50/50 custody definitely sets the tone for future custody proceedings.

What if it reaches the day where your ex remarries and has more children - and no longer wishes to pay for your cell phone 'under the table', your car insurance and loans? What will you do then?

Custody issues aside, you need to protect/prepare yourself financially.

You may not see that coming (especially if you're hoping to go to counseling and save the relationship) but I would be fully prepared to support yourself, and your child, if need be.

Finally, I disagree with the premise that 'in the AP community, mom doesn't get a break' - go back and read some of the threads here (even a few of my more recent ones) talking about leaving little ones with their dads, caregivers, etc. in order to get some mental downtime.

I haven't seen that attitude here at all.

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#17 of 30 Old 08-08-2010, 09:47 PM
 
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OP, I know how tough it is to be far from friends and family while caring for young children, and I applaud you for taking steps in the right direction to get help. You shouldn't have to wait for a counseling referral. Have you contacted Military One Source? Tricare Behavioral Health also allows for self-referrals. PM me if you need websites and/or phone numbers.

Since your DH is non-deployable, if he does PCS he may have more leverage for primary custody simply because he has stable income - sad but true. While courts are generally loathe to give primary custody to the moving parent, military moves are sometimes an exception because the moving parent doesn't have a choice about moving. That being said, if a precedent of 50/50 is presented to the court, judges don't always have a lot of discretion about whether or not they will order a custody eval (which is lengthy and expensive) to determine who will maintain primary custody.

Hopefully, you and stbx will be able to hash out a plan amicably; however, many of us have seen the best of intentions go awry once a couple actually begins the divorce/custody process. Just make sure to get everything in writing.


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#18 of 30 Old 08-09-2010, 02:11 AM
 
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Ihugtrees,

I didn't suggest that your husband miss weekends. You may want to negotiate two nights per week in addition to his weekends where he picks your child up after work, bring your child back home before bedtime. This gives you time away to take care of you, your chores ecetera, but you are not away from your child half the time. There are lots of ways to organize parenting time, without having a 50/50 custody arrangement.

As for sharing your information here, I just want you to know I come here when I need information, sometimes just need others to see my situation for what it is and help me understand it. I really appreciate the help of the other moms here who have alot of experience with custody, court, ex's, ect.

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#19 of 30 Old 08-09-2010, 02:40 AM
 
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OP if you and your dh were just separating without going the legal route then you can do anything you want.

but since this is going the legal way - you need to be aware of your rights.

hopefully when you see your lawyer they can guide you with what's in YOUR and your dd's best interest.

for instance - you might want to do 50/50, but it might not suit your dd. your dd might want you more now and later be more open to being with daddy. so right now perhaps a 60-40 or 70-30 in your favour might work better for your dd. for instance would she be able to spend overnights with her dad now without you? mine at 18 months or even 2 couldnt.

however you wont know unless you try it. and so you might need to file a 50/50 custody but in reality it could be 70/30.

i dont know what the state of WA does but here in Calif in case of a 50/50 the parent making more pays a small amount of CS.

if your dh pays you above and beyond what he is asked legally to pay - you may not get all that you want. you may make too much to qualify for food stamps.

there are men like my xfil who took care of his ex and kids above and beyond what he was legally asked to do. but in their papers they were both recognised as custodial parents in a court of law just so if anything happened one parent does not get the upper hand. it almost did. his present wife tried to stop all the extra money but he refused.

all the moms here are saying is dont throw out the baby with the bathwater. know your legal rights before you sign any paper.

btw i have also known a couple of families where the parents moved in and out not the kids. the kids stayed at the house and the parent moved in there during their custody time. it worked really well for all of them.

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#20 of 30 Old 08-09-2010, 03:09 AM
 
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These are guidelines in Massachusetts, find out what your state's are:
It is at least similar, if not identical, in my state. I think this kind of calculation is fairly common. The rationale is that if you were to spend $100 on necessities for your DD, it would take a larger chunk of your income because you earn less. Your DH caring for your child 50% of the time is going to be less of a financial burden on him than it would be on you, so the courts would try to even it out at least a little.

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#21 of 30 Old 08-10-2010, 12:50 AM
 
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I know of a family where the Family Home worked out nicely. As the other poster said, the parents moved in and out of the home per their visitation, but the children stayed put. This worked for a few years, and now they still have a strong co-parenting relationship, but the parents have their own places now, and the kids move back and forth.

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#22 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 12:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ihugtrees View Post
To everyone else:
I really don't understand why everyone on this forum is jumping down my throat for wanting my daughter to have an equal relationship with her father. I wasn't aware that this was a dad/men hating board.

Hundreds of thousands of women have struggled with PPD and depression and anxiety and emotional issues. That doesn't mean that I don't know what is best for my daughter. Being depressed doesn't mean I'm insane or not aware, as seems to be implied by more than one person in this thread, and I'm not sure why everyone here seems to think that it does. This is why people are not honest about their mental health, because there is such a stigma attached to it.

Not to mention, it's clear that the idea I frequently run across in the AP community is alive and kicking here: mom is not allowed a break. If you want a break, there must be something wrong with you, and you shouldn't be okay with your child being with anyone else, even her FATHER.

I came here for support and information, not to be treated like a lesser-than, a bad mother, a crazy person, etc etc. I'm honestly shocked at the reaction to this thread, and not sure I want to frequent this board after all.

Thank you to the people who gave me matter of fact information without the insults. I'm going to edit my original post to make it less controversial.
Ok, if you truly think that 50/50 is the best for your dd then thats great and you should go for it.

BUT - 50/50 is incredibly disruptive to a child. My ds is 19mo today, and I have been split from his dad since he was 11mo. 50/50 would NOT work for him AT ALL. It has nothing to do with his dad not loving him, or not being a great daddy to him - it has to do with the fact that our parenting styles are so completely opposite that ds would have zero continuity. Zero routine, zero consistency. His dad is great with him, they are incredibly attached, and very bonded - there are ways to facilitate this without 50/50 split in custody.

The ways we differ - bedtimes. I have a flexible one, ex has NONE. DS will go to bed at my house between 8pm-9pm 80-90% of the time. At ex's house ds goes to bed between 8pm and 11pm - no rhyme or reason to it. It's not b/c he's a bad dad, he just doesn't do bedtimes. He does really fun trips to the zoo, aquarium, and beach WAY better than I do!

He also gives ds juice daily when he has him, to the extent that when I get ds back he refuses water (I don't give him juice - he nurses, and he drinks water). We feed ds differently - I've been giving ds food off my plate since he was about 13mo, ex just started doing that.

(these are just a few examples of how our parenting styles differ - there are many more but I've already written a book so I'll leave it at just these)

There is SO MUCH that goes into parenting a child, and its not about the parents, its about the CHILD. How is the workload split now? Do you each do 50% of bedtimes? Do you each feed 50% of meals? Do you each do 50% of everything? If not, you should rethink how you want to split custody.

And, yeah, its hard to do all my grocery shopping, and bank trips, and all my errands with ds. But thats life. He needs to learn responsibility somehow (I know he doesn't get it now, but I know that his dad doesn't take him shopping or on errands very much at all - except fun ones like to buy ds new shoes. Another thing ex is WAY better at than I am! I hate shopping with ds), and he won't unless he see's someone doing all those things that need to happen.

Being a single parent full time is hard - but its totally worth it. And yes, I had PPD - it completely disappeared after I split from my ex. Completely. He was also an abusive UAV - but oh well.

When my ex and I did do something close to 50/50 but not quite (it was during a school vacay for both of us) it was TERRIBLE - ds was a basket case. He never settled down at my place, he was just a complete wreck. He was only 11-12 months at the time, but once we got into a routine where he lived with me most of the time, and saw his daddy alot his bond with his dad actually became noticeably better (it was good before that too), and he settled down ALOT. Parenting became much better.

All anyone on this board is saying is that "best interest of the child" is a really important standard - and if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd, and he takes you back to court saying that your dd isn't doing well with the schedule and its not in her best interest, you could very well become the non-custodial parent. ETA - with your ex being military, you could become the non-custodial parent to a child who lives very very far away from you if he ever gets orders to move far away.

There are ways to create and facilitate a strong bond between children and their non-custodial parents - my ds is an example of that. He recently spent a full week (sunday to sunday) with his dad, after never being away from me for more than 2 nights. He did GREAT. Didn't miss me at all I don't think. He's super attached to his daddy - he just doesn't live with him full time.
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#23 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 10:34 AM
 
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This means I need to rely on my DH for child support. What he has offered to do at this point is pay the minimum the state requires ($300-500 we are guessing from what we've read online) and then pay for my car payment & insurance, my student loans, and my cell phone bill "off the books". Since my income won't be too high, I can get food stamps and use the money I make working part time to pay rent/utilities, and for gas, and the groceries my food stamps don't cover.
As people have said, the time does effect the amount of CS. But you all can come up with your own arrangement if you choose to. My CS is not court ordered. We used a calculator initially to figure out the amount. It should probably be less now as he makes less money than he did when we calculated and I make more... but we keep it there. I know many people can't rely on CS, but I have been fortunate that I have been able to count on getting it every month. I am working on making it where I would be OK without it but it will take some time.

From the above, it sounds like he wants to be reasonable and have you be comfortable. Sometimes that changes when people are in the midst of things but sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully you two can work things out so that he will provide enough for you to do what you have planned.

You mention "off the books" above. DSS will ask you if anyone if paying any bills for you. That would effect the amount of food stamps I believe.

And yeah, you frequently get advice that you didn't necessarily ask for on message boards. It's really the nature of the beast. People discuss things. They are not trying to piss you off. They have been in similar situations and have experience that they are sharing. You open yourself up to it when you post--you don't get to control the flow of conversation. Unfortunate I know....

I don't see the anti-50/50 as being man hating. The back and forth can be hard on kids. Especially little ones. If your daughter was 4 or 5 more people would be behind that.

And accusing these women of being AP slaves when they regularly see their kids out the door is laughable. (Some of them perhaps are not so keen on it because of abusive situations.) Personally, I love my time off. I enjoy the quiet, I enjoy going out, I like the freedom. I have SO many more breaks than when I was married. It is much more intense though. There are tradeoffs to it all. I'm fortunate--I have an ex that pays CS, he's a good dad, and he spends time with the kids.

Many women end up being solo moms and not getting support--I bow down at their feet. That's intense.

Sometimes things change quite unpredictably. Some women may have started out like you--having someone who they believe will be there and pay CS. And then they don't... so sometimes you may find some cynicism here, but it is merited.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I hope thing work out for you in the best possible way for all concerned.
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#24 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, if you truly think that 50/50 is the best for your dd then thats great and you should go for it.

BUT - 50/50 is incredibly disruptive to a child. My ds is 19mo today, and I have been split from his dad since he was 11mo. 50/50 would NOT work for him AT ALL. It has nothing to do with his dad not loving him, or not being a great daddy to him - it has to do with the fact that our parenting styles are so completely opposite that ds would have zero continuity. Zero routine, zero consistency. His dad is great with him, they are incredibly attached, and very bonded - there are ways to facilitate this without 50/50 split in custody.

The ways we differ - bedtimes. I have a flexible one, ex has NONE. DS will go to bed at my house between 8pm-9pm 80-90% of the time. At ex's house ds goes to bed between 8pm and 11pm - no rhyme or reason to it. It's not b/c he's a bad dad, he just doesn't do bedtimes. He does really fun trips to the zoo, aquarium, and beach WAY better than I do!

He also gives ds juice daily when he has him, to the extent that when I get ds back he refuses water (I don't give him juice - he nurses, and he drinks water). We feed ds differently - I've been giving ds food off my plate since he was about 13mo, ex just started doing that.

(these are just a few examples of how our parenting styles differ - there are many more but I've already written a book so I'll leave it at just these)

There is SO MUCH that goes into parenting a child, and its not about the parents, its about the CHILD. How is the workload split now? Do you each do 50% of bedtimes? Do you each feed 50% of meals? Do you each do 50% of everything? If not, you should rethink how you want to split custody.

And, yeah, its hard to do all my grocery shopping, and bank trips, and all my errands with ds. But thats life. He needs to learn responsibility somehow (I know he doesn't get it now, but I know that his dad doesn't take him shopping or on errands very much at all - except fun ones like to buy ds new shoes. Another thing ex is WAY better at than I am! I hate shopping with ds), and he won't unless he see's someone doing all those things that need to happen.

Being a single parent full time is hard - but its totally worth it. And yes, I had PPD - it completely disappeared after I split from my ex. Completely. He was also an abusive UAV - but oh well.

When my ex and I did do something close to 50/50 but not quite (it was during a school vacay for both of us) it was TERRIBLE - ds was a basket case. He never settled down at my place, he was just a complete wreck. He was only 11-12 months at the time, but once we got into a routine where he lived with me most of the time, and saw his daddy alot his bond with his dad actually became noticeably better (it was good before that too), and he settled down ALOT. Parenting became much better.

All anyone on this board is saying is that "best interest of the child" is a really important standard - and if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd, and he takes you back to court saying that your dd isn't doing well with the schedule and its not in her best interest, you could very well become the non-custodial parent. ETA - with your ex being military, you could become the non-custodial parent to a child who lives very very far away from you if he ever gets orders to move far away.

There are ways to create and facilitate a strong bond between children and their non-custodial parents - my ds is an example of that. He recently spent a full week (sunday to sunday) with his dad, after never being away from me for more than 2 nights. He did GREAT. Didn't miss me at all I don't think. He's super attached to his daddy - he just doesn't live with him full time.
50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.

Single mama to S ~ 6/09

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#25 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.
I'm really sorry that I offended you - I did not intend to. And you did say that you want to be able to run errands by yourself without your dd - telling you what that can do if you end up in court I don't think is rude, its telling you whats what.

If you both really want 50/50 then go for it. It might be whats best for your dd. But then what happens when your stbx moves far far away and 50/50 isn't practical or even workable at all b/c your dd is school-age at that point? Its a good question, and one that both of you should think very hard about b/c it could very well happen.

I'm sorry I offended you, I hope that you are able to come up with a situation that works for your dd.
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#26 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 12:45 PM
 
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I'm really sorry that I offended you - I did not intend to. And you did say that you want to be able to run errands by yourself without your dd - telling you what that can do if you end up in court I don't think is rude, its telling you whats what.

If you both really want 50/50 then go for it. It might be whats best for your dd. But then what happens when your stbx moves far far away and 50/50 isn't practical or even workable at all b/c your dd is school-age at that point? Its a good question, and one that both of you should think very hard about b/c it could very well happen.

I'm sorry I offended you, I hope that you are able to come up with a situation that works for your dd.
To the OP - I'm sorry you didn't hear what you wanted, but when you ask for advice/opinions, etc. - you may not always agree.

The women here on this forum have a whole host of arrangements regarding their children; some are amicable, some are hard fought and won, some are in sharing arrangements not well suited to their children.

While you may think 50/50 is best for your family (and it may well be), I would take heed of the warning re: custody in the future, and financially supporting yourself. It seems that all you see is the immediate future.

Those of us that have btdt are simply trying to impart some life experience. s

Best of luck in your decisions.

Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
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#27 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 04:06 PM
 
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I think 50/50 can be great and should be tried and if it doesn't work, then something else can be figured out. 50/50 also does not mean 3.5 days in a row with each parent.

I personally know for my DD's that was not possible. They just were not ok with that. Their dad works a ton of hours and rarely has time with them.

OP your situation sounds different. I think if you are comfortable with the 50/50 and DD is ok with it too, than it should be wonderful.

It will affect your child support. You most likely will get some, just not as much.

Good luck and sorry about any negativity you felt here. I think with everyone's varying situations people can be biased and not even know it. Bottom line, you know your child and whats best. Being prepared for the worst is never a bad idea though. Just remember that.

Torre , Momma to Abrielle (4/07) and Annalise (7/09), Birthdoula, CNA, Aspiring Nurse, and wanna-be baby catcher. I ATE MY !
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#28 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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50/50 is disruptive to YOUR child. It may not be to every child. Yes, my DH and I do split everything. It appears that most people have a UAV for an ex husband, but my husband is a HUGE help with the house, the baby, etc. He is not abusive, and my depression has nothing to do with him. We parent in the same way, with him being slightly more permissive, but still on board. My DH wants 50/50 too--I am not 'pushing' for anything.

My daughter sleeps through the night, is frequently put to bed by her dad, rarely nurses, and takes comfort from her dad as easily, if not easier, than me at times. All by her own will, mind you. We are very bonded and attached, but her dad and her are as well.

Here is another post implying that I'm putting my child's well being at risk for my own laziness. I'm erasing my post. I am just really sad. I've gotten no support here. Advice, telling me your story is another thing, but saying things like, "if you're the parent pushing for 50/50 so that you can run errands while dad has your dd" is just plain rude. Yes, that's definitely what I said. I'm all about getting a divorce and being away from my daughter three days a week because it'd be really nice to grocery shop by myself.

As for the suggestions on the family home, where the parents rotate in and out...I would love to do that, except we can't afford to maintain three separate residences. We are barely going to be able to afford two.

I'm stepping away from this thread and forum.
just happened across this, but you might want to try over in the Blended Families forum-I know there are several families who have a 50/50 arrangement and might be able to offer a different perspective.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
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#29 of 30 Old 08-11-2010, 05:13 PM
 
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(snip)...I just find it difficult to cope with caring for a child, a household, myself, completely on my own in a place I moved to a few months ago, 3,000 miles from all of my friends, family and hometown. ANYONE in my position would feel a little down, and I'll do what I have to do if for some reason he is deployed. How would my DH have any more leverage than me, any way, in a 50/50 custody arrangement should he PCS?
I just re-read this, and wanted to offer some hugs. It IS really hard to be so far from family and friends, and home, while caring for a child. I moved 3 years ago from Seattle to NYC to go to law school, and now I'm stuck in NYC if I want to raise my baby boy. So, I'm in NYC and I really don't like it all that much, but I'm making friends and doing better all the time.

I really feel for you being so far away from family, that part is really really hard, but it does get easier (and thank god for phones so we can call often!!).
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#30 of 30 Old 02-25-2014, 03:05 PM
 
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As a divorced mom of two boys I wanted to reach out on boards such as this but never did.  I think that most people want to be helpful but unfortunately divorce is scary.  It is easy to fall into the mind set that everything is going to blow up and unfortunately, you hear about those families.  But, from my perspective, trying to allow a cohesive family to develop for your child with your ex and you working together is possible.  It's not doomsday, he will survive and move on and so will you if you allow yourself to.  It sounds like you are thinking and evaluating YOUR situation for what it is.  Do not let someone else's situation determine what you do.  

 

I struggled as a newly divorced woman who was only working part-time when we divorced.  It was hard, but I used my support groups and allowed them to help me while I was working hard to help myself and to make a new future for us.  I allowed my church to help financially when necessary, I allowed myself time to grow and it was hard but I learned a lot about myself, I learned I was strong and my ex and I started working better together.

 

Just 4 years later (yes, it sounds like a long time but it wasn't) we have a cohesive working relationship and family.   We attend church all together including his new family, her kids and their baby.  

 

I can stand on my own financially and am now able to give back to others as they did for me. . .

 

If I had any advice for any divorcing family is don't think you have to stay in the box.  Life doesn't work that way.  Learn a new way, learn a new family and believe in your strength.  

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