Potential Paternity/Custody battle - scared! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-23-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cybercere View Post
ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options
At her age it's not likely that 50/50 would be awarded. BUT that could change as she gets older.
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Old 08-23-2010, 04:49 PM
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Nothing has happened yet! If he doesn't have any money, how is he going to sue you for custody? How is he going to support a baby 50% of the time? Yes, it sounds like he's trying to bully you. Talk is cheap. Worrying doesn't do anybody any good.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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I think you need to take a few deep breaths. Your baby is not going to live 50% of the time away from you right now, possibly not ever. There is no harm in letting the biodad see her for 4 hours every couple of weeks. It is not necessarily a slippery slope. Has he explicitly asked for more than that right now?

As other people have said, even if the biodad follows through on his threats for custody, it would take months to get to the point of even starting to figure it out. Right now, he has no legal rights or obligations to your child. He has a lot of hurdles to get over to get to that point, if that is what he even wants.

So, I think you're catastrophizing here, probably due to the PPD/PPA. Take a few deep breaths. He is not banging down your door, there are no orders for a custody change, nothing has happened. Don't worry about the future, about what may or may not happen. Just think about today, maybe about this week.

Keep breathing. Snuggle your baby. And just be reasonable with this man who is her biological father, let him see her occasionally, think of him as an uncle-figure until and unless he wants to change that and file for paternity. He has not done that yet and he may not ever do that. Being nice and reasonable on your part can go a long, long way to avoiding a custody mess.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:08 PM
 
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Let it drag on like this as long as humanly possible. If you don't ask for money he will probably let it drag on like this throughout her childhood. Yes, fathers should support their children but if you go after him you are opening a big can of worms and I think your lawyer is dead wrong that you would get sole. That's nearly impossible to get. Not likely that he would get 50/50 but she would be away more than you are ready for.

For all the posters who feel the father is being treated poorly here...
He is ok with seeing her every other week for 4 hours (and having another man be the legal parent) and he has only asked for more time, threatened to fight for custody when child support is brought up. The baby deserves more but will not get it from this person so why shouldn't she stay with the parent who wants her and wants to pay for her.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cybercere View Post
ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options
You aren't running out of options!!! Nothing has even happened!!! You came here asking about a hypothetical situation, so you are getting alot of different view points.

You can't run out of options technically until the fat lady sings (a JUDGE) you haven't even SEEN the judge, much less been given orders by one! Nothing is happening.

I think what you should focus on is working through these feelings of fear with your therapist - thats going to me FAR more productive than seeing what a bunch of online people (who really know very little about your personal situation IRL) have to say about the very little that you posted.
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cybercere View Post
ThiS is the worse thing that has ever happened to me. It makes me not want to wake up. VisitAtion is ok. Having her live away 50% of the time isn't. At her age that would be extremely detrimental to her well being. I am desperate to do anything I can to protect her. I just feel like I'm running out of options
You're not running out of options. You are just panicking now and not thinking straight.

If your husband's name is on the birth certificate, he is your daughter's legal father, and there isn't diddly squat this other guy can do about it unless he petitions for custody and a paternity test is ordered. And depending on the laws of your state, your husband, as the presumed legal father, might be able to quash that.

You say you don't want the guy's money, so don't take it, don't ask for it, drop that issue entirely. Your lawyer, btw, doesn't sound too bright. I would look for a new lawyer.

Since, in the eyes of the law, your former affair partner is not the legal father, he actually has zip, zero, zilch claim to your child. You do not have to allow him visitation anymore than you would have to allow some random dude off the street visitation. Legally, your ex has no standing to demand anything from you.

So calm down, stop panicking, get a better lawyer and just do nothing and let the bio-dad make the first move.
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Old 08-24-2010, 09:45 PM
 
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Where I live, there is a time limit regarding how long after the birth (or discovery of the existence of the child) for a potential bio-dad to legally petition for paternity. You should find out if that's the case where you are.

That being said, you do not have any problem whatsoever at the moment. You are free to continue or stop visitations anytime and he has absolutely no legal right. As PPs said, he would need to first go to court to establish paternity, which involves him paying for a DNA test and following the rules in your area (which you can look up and familiarize yourself with if it worries you). Once that has been established and the birth certificate has been amended, then he can go to court for custody and to set child support. That process would certainly be very long (especially if your husband is deployed as I believe they will automatically wait for his return to proceed) and you could worry about that if it comes to that. You say he does not like lawyers so what are the odds of him initiating legal actions and following it through all the way to end?

The worse possible thing you could do to right now is take him to court ( you cannot legally ask for child support at the moment, it would have to be to establish paternity plus if you make a lot more money thn he does you might end up paying child support, not him).

So, basically, just relax and don't dramatize the situation.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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