Okay so all the research says that both parents should be present when you have the "big convo" with your child. Well nobody told the kiddo that! Dc came to me so pensive, serious, sad, questioning, and with thoughts about dh being gone and wanting to know if divorce was coming. She was totally in the moment, and I knew it. So somehow I calmed myself and talked to her on her level, not adding more than she needed to know, not badmouthing, none of that. But I knew it was hurting her to hear it, my heart broke, I cried later, held it together at the time. Poor thing first said she wish she never knew, she got angry at me for verbalizing it (I guess that made it for real), she told me to get a new dh, she went through alot in the span of 15 minutes. She cried, I just held her, let her breathe, let her say what she wanted, held her again. She slept with me that evening and work up in the night and told me, she loved me and that she knows it is not her fault or my fault and that we would get through it and be okay. So now I guess the reality and the healing can begin with her. I knew right then that I will always continue to be honest with her because she trust me and knows I will take care of her and her emotions.
Now....I am bit angry that I got to bear the wrath that dh is causing and he escaped it. But maybe that is what needed to happen, because who knows what he would have said, and she needed the freedom to feel everything she need to feel and say and to bounce all over the place at will without being talked down to or having it explained away. Now of course he will get the "tempered" reaction when she sees him again. She will of course ask and maybe even get caught in that "maybe I can say something" to "fix it" trap. She may even rage at him or dismiss him. I think she will be saddened again but I think she will rebound. One thing I know for sure I will be here to hold her and tell her I love her and we will be okay.