can father take baby away?? - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-06-2010, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So this is probably a dumb question but I'm worried that he might do something crazy. My ex and I are no longer together and I'm 15 weeks along with our child. I do not plan on putting his name on the birth certificate because he is not emotionally or physically capable at this time to be there regularly for his child. He very much wants to be a good father, though, so I'm wondering if he's going to decide to try and take the baby once he/she is born. He's a very strong-willed person, so even though he knows it wouldn't be a good idea, I could still imagine him trying to do something like this Please tell me there's no way he can do this if his name isn't on the birth certificate...or am I going to have to take him to court over it?
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Old 09-06-2010, 01:56 PM
 
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Youre good unless he decides to fight paternity and get it established....

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Old 09-06-2010, 01:58 PM
 
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Not putting him on the birth certificate will really not help help you in any way. If he really wants to be a dad, he can certainly make all the legal attempts necessary to establish paternity. I am not sure exactly what those legal steps are, but all not putting him on the bc is going to do is make it harder for you in the long run if he wants to be a part of his child's life.

Not to mention, that regardless of your opinion of him and his abilities at this particular point, he IS the child's father. It's not really fair, nor in the best interests of the child, to deny the child his father or try to pretend the guy doesn't exist (which is what you are doing when not putting him on the bc.) Unless the guy is abusive and you have reason to be fearful and need to hide, denial is only going to make the whole thing worse.
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Old 09-06-2010, 02:01 PM
 
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In my state it would be very difficult for a father to take full custody of an infant even if his name is on the birth certificate. That is of course, if the mother is fully capable of providing adequate care to the baby. If he did decide to fight for custody and he's not on the birth certificate he would first have to prove paternity. Then he would have to prove that it's in the child's best interest to be in his care full time (which is hard to do in the case of an infant especially if they are breastfed). Chances are he would be given visitation which is typically every other weekend.

If he honestly wants to be a good father, taking an infant from it's mother is not a good way to start. But it sounds like he'll want to be a part of the babies life, which he should be. I your shoes, I would just make sure to offer him plenty of time and access to his child. Maybe the two of you can work out some visitation on your own.

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Old 09-06-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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I wouldn't make it all-or-nothing for him. Perhaps an attorney can help you draw up a custody agreement for him to sign after the baby is born, specifying that he has x hours of supervised visitation per week (or visitation in your home) during the baby's first two years and some unsupervised visitation after that for instance. If he feels like he has adequate access, is kept in the loop, and can be a good father without pushing for full custody - that seems like it would be healthiest/safest for everybody.

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Old 09-06-2010, 03:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have given him the opportunity to be there after the baby is born, but I'm having to move out of state to live with my parents and be near extended family. Since he has health problems which make it difficult for him to be there consistently, I don't feel comfortable staying here with just him and me (especially since I have an older child as well that I mostly take care of). I've tried explaining this to him, but all he sees it as me "taking his child away". He won't move there, too, even though there's plenty of room for him and he won't even have to pay for anything. His emotional and physical issues makes him feel pretty embarrassed and not comfortable with such a huge change. It's not that I don't want him to be a father, it's just that I don't feel it's safe at this point because the only option he sees is if the child is here (where we currently live) with him. And he also has become verbally abusive lately about this so I've had to stop talking to him...I don't know how to reconcile things. I figured maybe leaving his name off will make it so I don't have to worry about what he tries to do, but it sounds like it won't make much difference in the long run.
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Old 09-06-2010, 03:46 PM
 
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honestly mama i really think that's a wrong thing to do. tifwiw.

i would NOT leave the state.

you CANNOT truly parent being states away. there is a thread here about divorce and kids. its something you should read. most of the posters said the worst thing was a parent moving away.

figure something out. buy yeah you have to move out and have separate residences. hopefully between him, your family you might be able to at least afford a studio or roommate. you might have to return to part time work if you are not working. i am sure if your partner knew the choice was either you move out or you move states away, he might be willing to accept you living elsewhere. but no no matter what. he absolutely has no right to keep you when you dont want to be there.

i would do everything to support a relationship. i would also separate relationship between you and him and between him and his child.

even though things are bad between him and you doesnt make him a bad father. i have an absolute verbally abusive ex but he is the kindest, gentlest father.

also if ur partner knows you are planning to leave the state that might be contributing in making him verbally abusive.

if you gave him chances and he didnt try to be a father then of course i would move to make it easier for you. but initially i would do everything (i actually am) to foster a relationship between child and parent.

actually if he had a bulletin board to go to, he could be totally writing your post. it goes both ways for him too. my partner is planning to take my child away from me after birth.

also a judge is not going to helpful either. another mom on our single parenting forum did this. but at a certain age the son had to spend summer and winter holidays with father. i think it was age 2 or 3. and it was horrible. the son had such a hard time separating from mom and staying with someone he didnt really know.

so in the short run you might get your baby, but in the long run life might be miserable for you toddler going to spend weeks with other parent.

you have to really think about what you want to do.

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Old 09-06-2010, 04:13 PM
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Legally speaking, it is probably better to move during pregnancy than after the child is born. At the moment, legally speaking, there is no child to deprive your dh of access to.

If he is being verbally abusive to you, the more space you put between the two of you, the safer you are. It is not your job to make things well with your ex, or to appease him so that he treats you reasonably. You cannot control his feelings or his behavior. You can control your proximity to him. Keep yourself safe, physically and emotionally. If that means moving (and it sounds like it does), you should move asap.

After the birth, you could conceivably be accused of denying your ex access to your child by moving. But I don't think you can if you move now.
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Old 09-06-2010, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Would it still be considered depriving him access to his child if I have left the door wide open for him to come live with us? It's not like I'm moving to another state to get away from him...I really don't hate him or even dislike him, I understand why he's been verbally abusive lately...he feels very out of control with all of this, especially because a big part of it is due to his health problems which are going to take time to heal (who knows how much time). He feels like if I stay in the area then he'll at least be able to see his child when he's able to, but I simply can't do that because I need the extra support for multiple reasons. It's a really sad situation, it took me awhile to figure out what the best solution is and I really wish we could work something out for everyone's sake...but what else is there to do?
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Old 09-06-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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I've been in your shoes. Get a lawyer ASAP. Some lawyers offer free consultation.

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Old 09-06-2010, 05:38 PM
 
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I disagree totally about staying in the state to help facilitate a relationship with the other parent. I know this attitude is gaining a lot of favor but having spent my late twenties making myself and my position in our family the lowest rung on the ladder I have gained a new perspective. YOU will be caring for and maintaing this family and assuring your futures and it can be difficult to impossible to do that well when you're living your life wrapped around and incapable, irresponsible man who needs to be catered to and helped along (and basically deferred to in the case of staying in a bad place for his convenience) in his fatherhood. I know people say it's best for the children but I don't necessarily agree and even if it would be preferable for them it's important that the mother is allowed to assure her own future.
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Old 09-06-2010, 05:49 PM
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Legally speaking, it is probably better to move during pregnancy than after the child is born. At the moment, legally speaking, there is no child to deprive your dh of access to.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 09-06-2010, 05:51 PM
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Would it still be considered depriving him access to his child if I have left the door wide open for him to come live with us?
I would send him nice emails to this effect, and then print them out. Also print out his (ranting?) emails in return.

Those probably can be used in court.

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Old 09-06-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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Welll....

You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him, wouldn't you feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot?

As another poster mentioned...from a legal standpoint, moving out of state isn't going to be as big of a deal as it would once the child is born. However, it can certainly still factor into legal considerations assuming that he does take this to court. And, being in another state from him is likely to make court proceedings more difficult overall. You might want to check around to see how things are handled if he files for visitation where you are now, but you live out of state-are you going to end up having to travel for court? Also, if he has health issues right now, how much of an option is it for him, really, to up and move with you....and how is the court going to view your leaving while pg in light of those health issues?

I am not saying to stay in the state for him, it could still be that moving is what's best for you and the baby. I am saying that you need to consider all those angles before you move. I think you do need a lawyer ASAP, so that you can discuss all of that stuff and how the laws regarding paternity and visitation and how things are viewed in court in your area to help you figure out how best to proceed.

Unfortunately, once you make a child with someone, you are tied to that person, in SOME fashion for at least the next 18 years. Even if he truely takes off and you never actually see or hear from that person again and you never get child support or have to deal with visitation or any of that, there's the child's thoughts to consider. It's natural for the child to want to know where the father is, why he never sees him, etc etc. And it's certainly not right to lie and say you don't know when you do, so you are still stuck with that tie to that person.
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Old 09-06-2010, 06:24 PM
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Custody hearings generally take place in the jurisdiction where the child lives. If the child has never lived anywhere else, there is absolutely no reason why a custodial parent would have to travel for hearings. Travel for visitation might be a consideration.

Honestly, I am not a person who has experience with custody issues. However, right now, there is no custody issue and there is verbal abuse. This is why I'm encouraging the OP to go where she needs to go to be safe, physically and emotionally, and to find support.

Everything else can be dealt with later, probably with the advice of a lawyer who has some experience with custody issues.

I'll add that this:

Quote:
Also, if he has health issues right now, how much of an option is it for him, really, to up and move with you....and how is the court going to view your leaving while pg in light of those health issues?
really shouldn't be a factor. If the OP isn't depriving her ex of shelter or access to his property or resources, then it doesn't matter what kind of shape he was in when she left him. He's an adult and courts do not bind adults to provide care and comfort to other adults if they choose not to do so. Lincoln freed the slaves - so the OP is good there.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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Welll....

You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him..
yup... you are taking a child away from dad. How is that any better than taking away a child from a mom?

His reaction and fears seem to be very reasonable. I hope you will reconsider your plan of action. Surely, something else can be done.

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Old 09-06-2010, 07:17 PM
 
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Custody hearings generally take place in the jurisdiction where the child lives. If the child has never lived anywhere else, there is absolutely no reason why a custodial parent would have to travel for hearings. Travel for visitation might be a consideration.

Honestly, I am not a person who has experience with custody issues. However, right now, there is no custody issue and there is verbal abuse. This is why I'm encouraging the OP to go where she needs to go to be safe, physically and emotionally, and to find support.

Everything else can be dealt with later, probably with the advice of a lawyer who has some experience with custody issues.

I'll add that this:



really shouldn't be a factor. If the OP isn't depriving her ex of shelter or access to his property or resources, then it doesn't matter what kind of shape he was in when she left him. He's an adult and courts do not bind adults to provide care and comfort to other adults if they choose not to do so. Lincoln freed the slaves - so the OP is good there.
Well, that's why the OP is probably best off making her decisions with the advice of a lawyer. I am not saying the court would think she's responsible for her ex's health, rather, if he has health issues that possibly prevent him from moving, that her offer of "come with us" would carry even less weight, because he wouldn't be able to, yk? She asked if it would still be considered depriving him of access if she left the door open for her to come with, but if he's not actually able to go, well, then there isn't really a door to leave open.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You are worried about him taking the baby away, and yet, you are thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and moving out of state, yet you don't think he should be feeling that YOU are taking his baby away? Regardless of the reasons that you are moving, OF COURSE he's going to feel like you are trying to take his child from him, wouldn't you feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot?
I understand your perspective, but the roles are not completely equal, at least not in the beginning. I'm the one who's pregnant, I'm the one who's going to be giving birth, I'm the one who's going to be exclusively breastfeeding for at least the first 6 months. It's just not balanced. Therefore, I have to think of mine and the baby's health and well-being first and foremost and not automatically defer to him just because he's the other parent. That said, if he were the one who's pregnant and he felt the need to go move in with his parents and be near extended family to get the support he needs, I would not blame him for it one bit and I would not feel like he's "taking" the child away. Also, not having him on the birth certificate was simply a protective measure in case he decides to do something rash. Like I said, this man is very strong-willed, so it's difficult to say what exactly he will or will not try to do. Now I see it probably won't make a difference.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, that's why the OP is probably best off making her decisions with the advice of a lawyer. I am not saying the court would think she's responsible for her ex's health, rather, if he has health issues that possibly prevent him from moving, that her offer of "come with us" would carry even less weight, because he wouldn't be able to, yk? She asked if it would still be considered depriving him of access if she left the door open for her to come with, but if he's not actually able to go, well, then there isn't really a door to leave open.
It's actually a toss-up whether or not one could conclude that he would not be able to move with us. He suffers from PTSD, depression and general anxiety issues but he's taking medication for it. It still doesn't help completely, though, which is why they're an issue. He also sleeps a great deal...this has been getting worse since I met him, he thought it was due to sleep apnea, so a doctor diagnosed him and they gave him a sleep mask for it. That has not helped much. Then they discovered he was low in a few vitamins, so he's taking supplements. That is not helping much, either. I don't know what's going on with him, no one really knows. He's had a very hard life, big changes are difficult for him, but I feel like if he was determined to make the move then he would be okay. There wouldn't be huge demands on him since I would have extra help and he could still get the sleep he needs and what not. But the PTSD and other emotional issues keeps him from feeling safe enough to make such a big change...maybe upping the medication or trying different types of therapy? Or maybe he's simply not capable of this move? It's hard to say...
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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I am not sure if it has been mentioned (I did not see it), but in some, if not many, states, a father is not necessarily added to the BC if the parents are not married. I know in some states there has to be affidavits and such to get a father added that was not married to the mother. So putting him on may not even be a choice.

As long as the child knows who the father is (and I think in almost all circumstances that is important), it is fine.

As for the moving out of state, I agree with the pps, move before baby is born. Much less problems that way.

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they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:12 PM
 
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I understand your perspective, but the roles are not completely equal, at least not in the beginning. I'm the one who's pregnant, I'm the one who's going to be giving birth, I'm the one who's going to be exclusively breastfeeding for at least the first 6 months. It's just not balanced. Therefore, I have to think of mine and the baby's health and well-being first and foremost and not automatically defer to him just because he's the other parent. That said, if he were the one who's pregnant and he felt the need to go move in with his parents and be near extended family to get the support he needs, I would not blame him for it one bit and I would not feel like he's "taking" the child away. Also, not having him on the birth certificate was simply a protective measure in case he decides to do something rash. Like I said, this man is very strong-willed, so it's difficult to say what exactly he will or will not try to do. Now I see it probably won't make a difference.
oh mama! mama!!! that's a dangerous attitude to have. that is soooo not fair. what if something happened and you werent allowed to bf? do we have to measure by how much they are doing. for instance if he does pay some sort of alimony and CS isnt he providing equal even though you are directly caring for the baby. i absolutely do not think you should look at it that way.

and just because you feel differently if the tables were turned you should not expect him to feel the same.

i will definitely try to talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are according to what your situation is. dont look at what's going to happen in the few months after birth. but look for the repercussions the first say 8 years.

and then see what you want to do.

your bf is strong willed. he is going to be worse about his child. you cant take the upper hand about him being a good parent or not without giving him a chance.

i can relate to him not wanting to move if he has all those health issues. esp. if he is a VA or even on state assisted insurance. it is huge to try and transfer that.

the problem with this kinda situation is trying to find the middle ground. but you both have to discover what the middle ground is for the both of u.

i would not move. without a lawyers advice. yes its easier to move while you are pregnant but as others pointed out knowing what you know moving would make you look even worse in the eyes of the court.

would you be willing to allow your 18 month old or 2 year old spend a month with daddy over summer and winter.

it wouldnt be an issue if bf was not going to fight. but if he is going to - he can make you look real poor in the eyes of the law.

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Old 09-06-2010, 10:07 PM
 
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First of all just do whatever you need to do for the sake of the baby. Whatever that maybe. I know from experience that some men won't want anything to do with new babies and toddlers. So let's say you did stay near this man who seems to have great physical and mental limitations. He may be of zero to no help with the baby. However if you move to be with family you will get all the support you need which will help you to be a better parent which in the long run, a very stable and healthy custodial parent can truly make all the difference when the other parent isn't so together.

I will say your statement that you're the pregnant one, the breastfeeding one, etc will go against you. I agree with you. However, a judge will not see it this way. Judges and the court of law believe in giving father's plenty of access to the child. There has to be extreme circumstances for a father not to get visitation rights. Some judges will care less if you are nursing an infant. From my point of view we do endure the pregnancies and the birth and the nursing. We know our babies in and out and all the sudden the papa's want 50% custody tearing the nursing infants away from the only care providers they know. Their mama's. It happens. Often. Not that i don't think papa's shouldn't be seeing and developing a relationship with their babies. I do think it is crucial. However, in increments building a stable foundation and not tearing the nursing baby from it's mama.

the choice is yours. keep in mind you could have to deal with long distance visitation even as early as two. Or you having to travel the baby back and forth. He won't be able to just show up and take the baby. You can file kidnapping charges if he did. What he can do is file for paternity and get visitation established. But he can't do this until the baby is born.
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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Move now while you are pregnant. Wherever you live once the baby is born will be your residence state. If Dad wants to be a part of the child's life then he will need to find a way to do so. Family is important and your family will be your support system. A judge will not fault you for moving back to where your family lives if you need financial and mental support.

If you are afraid of this man or he is abusive, simply refrain from giving him your info on where you are moving to and do not put his name on the BC. You can always claim you weren't sure who the father was at the time. If I needed to make sure Dad stayed out of the picture I'd go so far as to lie about even having the baby.

I wish you the best!

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Old 09-06-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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First of all just do whatever you need to do for the sake of the baby. Whatever that maybe. I know from experience that some men won't want anything to do with new babies and toddlers. So let's say you did stay near this man who seems to have great physical and mental limitations. He may be of zero to no help with the baby. However if you move to be with family you will get all the support you need which will help you to be a better parent which in the long run, a very stable and healthy custodial parent can truly make all the difference when the other parent isn't so together.

I will say your statement that you're the pregnant one, the breastfeeding one, etc will go against you. I agree with you. However, a judge will not see it this way. Judges and the court of law believe in giving father's plenty of access to the child. There has to be extreme circumstances for a father not to get visitation rights. Some judges will care less if you are nursing an infant. From my point of view we do endure the pregnancies and the birth and the nursing. We know our babies in and out and all the sudden the papa's want 50% custody tearing the nursing infants away from the only care providers they know. Their mama's. It happens. Often. Not that i don't think papa's shouldn't be seeing and developing a relationship with their babies. I do think it is crucial. However, in increments building a stable foundation and not tearing the nursing baby from it's mama.

the choice is yours. keep in mind you could have to deal with long distance visitation even as early as two. Or you having to travel the baby back and forth. He won't be able to just show up and take the baby. You can file kidnapping charges if he did. What he can do is file for paternity and get visitation established. But he can't do this until the baby is born.

And he will have to do this where you are (where the child is)....which might actually, to be honest, keep him from doing so due to the distance. Not putting his name on the babies birth certificate will actually accomplish something. It puts one more hurdle he has to leap in his way. That and establishing paternity takes time in the court system. He won't be able to just get visitation within days of the baby's birth.

I agree with previous posters however. Yes, you need to be worried about what will happen right after birth, but you should really be planning for the long term. Please visit a lawyer in the state you are moving to (as that is where jurisdiction will be) and get a consultation. Also, start documenting his activity now. And I agree with putting the information that you are "leaving the door open for him" in writing via email. That is a great way to show that you aren't trying to just "take his child away" and that you are attempting to facilitate a relationship between them even before birth and that he declined.

I would not take the advice to lie about your whereabouts unless you feel he is a serious threat to you, or lie about the birth of the baby. That will look badbadbad if he does decide to drag you to court and play dirty.
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:30 PM
 
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Um, yeah he is freaking out and saying crazy stuff. You are unilaterally deciding to take his baby away. He has just as much right to this kid as you do and you better believe if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably start being a little "verbally abusive" and perhaps unstable as well. I know I would. Yeah he feels out of control. You have his baby and you have told him you aren't even going to acknowledge his paternity. Sure we are the ones who go through the nursing and the pregnancy. Can you imagine how out of control and frightening it must be to know someone else has that much power over your child? And you have none? You cannot do anything to help the baby or be there for it? you have to trust someone else to care for it for nine months. And hope they are doing right by your child.

Ok fine you need to move close to your family so they can help you. This is logical. Having a baby outside of wedlock is not an ideal solution. This is one of the reasons. Sometimes the best answers still aren't great. You are doing what you can to facilitate a relationship in this way. But another down side is that you do not get the baby all to yourself all the time. It simply is not your choice. The father has a right to his child and the child has a right to his father and your opinion on this matter doesn't really matter much. Moving far away from the father could mean you have to give up the baby for an extended amount of time. I would love to move home to be closer to my family but I prefer my kids spend frequent short stays with their dad rather than fewer extended stays. Its a choice I have to make. it is part of not being with their dad any more. And it sucks. But that is how it works weather we like it or not.

But I think it would be in your best interest to put his name on the birth certificate. Because if goes to court (and it probably will) you do not want to look like you were intentionally keeping his child from him (which you are). And I don't know where you are or what the laws in your area are but here if you force someone to go to court unecessarily they can sue you (and win) court and attorney fees. If I were the dad and you forced me to go to the expense and time waste of proving that I was the father even though I knew and you knew and I knew you knew but you were refusing to just say it I would so sue you for court fees and lost wages and what not.

You do not get to decide if he is s suitable father once he is the father. (one should never have sex with someone they don't want to split custody with....live and learn). once there is a child the courts get to decide how he is split between the parents. It sucks. believe me I know but really you do not get to decide.

I think your best course of action is to maintain frequent positive communication with him, put his name on the birth certificate and be proactive in a co parenting plan.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 09-06-2010, 10:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
Um, yeah he is freaking out and saying crazy stuff. You are unilaterally deciding to take his baby away. He has just as much right to this kid as you do and you better believe if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably start being a little "verbally abusive" and perhaps unstable as well. I know I would. Yeah he feels out of control. You have his baby and you have told him you aren't even going to acknowledge his paternity. Sure we are the ones who go through the nursing and the pregnancy. Can you imagine how out of control and frightening it must be to know someone else has that much power over your child? And you have none? You cannot do anything to help the baby or be there for it? you have to trust someone else to care for it for nine months. And hope they are doing right by your child.

Ok fine you need to move close to your family so they can help you. This is logical. Having a baby outside of wedlock is not an ideal solution. This is one of the reasons. Sometimes the best answers still aren't great. You are doing what you can to facilitate a relationship in this way. But another down side is that you do not get the baby all to yourself all the time. It simply is not your choice. The father has a right to his child and the child has a right to his father and your opinion on this matter doesn't really matter much. Moving far away from the father could mean you have to give up the baby for an extended amount of time. I would love to move home to be closer to my family but I prefer my kids spend frequent short stays with their dad rather than fewer extended stays. Its a choice I have to make. it is part of not being with their dad any more. And it sucks. But that is how it works weather we like it or not.

But I think it would be in your best interest to put his name on the birth certificate. Because if goes to court (and it probably will) you do not want to look like you were intentionally keeping his child from him (which you are). And I don't know where you are or what the laws in your area are but here if you force someone to go to court unecessarily they can sue you (and win) court and attorney fees. If I were the dad and you forced me to go to the expense and time waste of proving that I was the father even though I knew and you knew and I knew you knew but you were refusing to just say it I would so sue you for court fees and lost wages and what not.

You do not get to decide if he is s suitable father once he is the father. (one should never have sex with someone they don't want to split custody with....live and learn). once there is a child the courts get to decide how he is split between the parents. It sucks. believe me I know but really you do not get to decide.

I think your best course of action is to maintain frequent positive communication with him, put his name on the birth certificate and be proactive in a co parenting plan.
I forgot about legal fees! Yes, this is why you should see a lawyer asap when you get to your new state. You need to make sure you are taking all the right steps. I do know though, that to add someone onto the BC in this state, that the father has to be present and sign his name, if you aren't legally married. I think someone previously mentioned this too. Otherwise, there are papers that have to be filed after birth by him that says he acknowledges paternity. I would also ask a lawyer what these steps are in your new state.

I am like lilyka. I am being forced to go to grad school in my current city instead of any other school because I would prefer shorter visits and having my children close at all times. Now this may change when my ex gets stationed (finally! we've been here since 2007 and he still has two years left here) somewhere else, but we will cross that when we get to it.
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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I'm in a similar situation. I'm pregnant and the Father was/is abusive.

For your situation... if the Father is abusive, then you need to protect yourself as well as your child from him, but I would be very careful in doing so- you must make sure that he is truly abusive, not just saying angry things because you were planning on moving away with his unborn child. There's a very fine line there, that neither I, nor anyone else here really knows, except the original poster, but, OP, be very careful you don't cross that line, because it may bite you in the butt, bigtime, if you do.

That being said, this is what I learned from my situation...

If you do move to another state, do so before the baby is born. Once you're established residency in that state for 6 months, if the Father wants visitation, whatever, he must file in your residential state.

There are risks, however...

You could be court ordered to move back to the Father's state, especially if he's unable to come to your new state. You could be court ordered to provide ALL the transportation back and forth, even if it's every other weekend with the Father for two hours at a time. Also, long distance visitations tend to be longer- instead of every other weekend, for example, it may be weeks at a time, when the baby is older, to make up for the "lost time" due to distance. Also, supervised visitation may be harder to get if it's state-to-state.

As for the birth certificate...

If you're unmarried, you don't have to put the name on the birth certificate. Doesn't mean that he can't fight for paternity and have his name added in time, but until paternity is proven, you technically don't have to put his name on. Until paternity is proven and/or his name is on the birth certificate, he has no legal right to the child. In my case, my baby's father's name will not be on the birth certificate until there is a court oder to do so, because he has threatened to file for full custody at birth (physically and verbally abusive man), and if he loses, to kidnap my baby to his home country. If your believe your baby is in this kind of danger, then I strongly suggest not putting the name on the birth certificate. If you just don't want him interfering with "your" child, then perhaps you're overreacting? (Again, you know the full situation, we don't.)

I also strongly suggest getting a lawyer ASAP.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:51 PM
 
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I think you should do what it is that is best for you and your baby. The baby is not born yet, so I don't think there is a jurisdiction for the baby now. Your partner seems to need some special help of his own, and may not be able to care for the child.

Good luck with that.

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Old 09-07-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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Jurisdiction is determined by where the baby was born if the baby is under 6months. If the baby is older than 6months, it is where the child has lived for the previous 6months of its life.
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