He is so mad about child support! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He just said, "I just can't believe that once they are out of daycare I'll be paying you $12,000/yr to just do with what you want."
I'm speechless. I'll be buying their groceries, buying their clothes and shoes, buying school supplies and paying for lunches at school, taking them for haircuts and buying them their toys. They'll live with me most of the time so I'll be paying for a roof over their heads and electricity and gas and water and internet for their school work.
WTF does he think I'm going to be doing? Sitting around and eating bon bons? Honestly. This is THE thing that is going to drive us to mediation...his little penny pinching, can't stand to give me a dime, petty BS. He's trying to nickle and dime it to death and try to control how I spend his child support. He's crazy.
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#2 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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I'm sorry. That kind of attitude is not unusual, though - if noncustodial parents paid adequate support voluntarily, there would be no need for court orders.

In this case, I'm guessing his pickiness an pettiness has less to do with the actual money than the loss of control.

I hope you can get everything finalized soon. (((Hugs)))
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#3 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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Ugh, I'm sorry. How utterly infuriating!

All I can say is that it's confirmation that you made the right decision in leaving him.

My baby is 2 years old! How did that happen?!
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#4 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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This is a fairly typical response, from what I've seen.

I don't understand how some people think. I would hope that if my situation were reversed and my children were living with their father that I would do right by them and pay for their support.

My ex has told me he will never pay child support because the judge has said he cannot take the children out of the state and he happens to live outside the U.S. and cannot get a visa back to the U.S. due to his past behavior.

He has "watched" as I've sold things to pay for our children's day care, school clothes, etc. He got pouty when my phone was shut off because I was behind on the bills and acted like I was purposefully keeping him from being able to call his children. But, he assures me, "my children will never starve." No, they won't because I am taking care of OUR children.
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#5 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 05:56 PM
 
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Don't tell him that child support and child care costs are generally 2 different things and calculated differently.

And, tough sh&t. Kids are EXPENSIVE. He gets to deal.
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#6 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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Man, kids are just INCONVENIENT little things, aren't they? They cost, like, money? Darn. Who woulda thought?
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#7 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 07:01 PM
 
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I'll never understand how men work. They want to have sex, get someone pregnant and then don't want to grow up. They'll talk about how much they loveeee their kids, but when it comes down to things like BEING THERE or paying child support, they bitch and bitch.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Sadly, it's common.

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#8 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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and wait until you get the "you have to pay for xyz. thats what child support is for." like you just have $1000 spare dollars hanging around every month to blow on this and that for the kids. Don't try to explain the whole roof over their heads and food on the table and electricity and a car big enough and safe enough to haul them around.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#9 of 38 Old 09-19-2010, 08:47 PM
 
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I feel ya. Mine is doing the same thing--he makes three times what I make.
I'm SO sick of hearing: you got your PhD while you were married to me!
As if after 20 years that was the only thing I've ever done and as if it took me that long to get it!
HELLO--I GAVE BIRTH TO YOUR KIDS AND RAISED THEM AND TOOK CARE OF YOUR DUMB A.. .. , too! And before the kids were born I worked for a decade while married to you!
And just so you know--I also stayed home instead of going to work full time and using that PhD so now I'm not as viable as I could have been in the work place--and yes, I'm glad I did it, because unlike him, I knew that being home with the kids was the right thing for our family. But ugh, it makes my blood boil.

He still got a fancy sports car, and a new jeep! But you see, he can do that if he only needs a pot to...you know...in.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out where we will live!

Just know that you are not alone--they all act that way--at every age and every income level.
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#10 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 08:46 AM
 
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I am going through this right now. I have three children under 5 and he is ordered to pay $1056/month at this point according to the temporary order. I am not working right nowand trying to get us on our feet. This man bring home over $8000/month from his job and we get 1/8 of it.
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#11 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 09:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I make almost as much as he does, working 1 fewer days per week . So, he's not really having to pay THAT much. It amounts to $750/mo for the 2 kids plus he has to pay half of daycare, which is $650/mo. Considering that the kids are 12mos and 3 yrs and daycare is $1300/mo, I think he's getting off easy.
It's just disgusting. Seriously, this is the only thing he's arguing about. We are working together so well to divide things up, support each other with doing things for my house and his house, and getting him moved out. You'd never dream anything was wrong with our relationship if you saw us together until the issue of child support money is brought up. And when that's brought up he loses control: cussing, screaming, etc. It's just ridiculous that he thinks he can destroy his family, walk away and not suffer the consequences.
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#12 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 11:17 AM
 
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Poor wittle king baby...
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#13 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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My xh acts like I owe him a thank you note every time he pays. Like I should be soo thankful he is doing the minimum the law requires. the very least he could get away with. Is anyone else's like that? It drives me crazy.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#14 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by candycat View Post
Man, kids are just INCONVENIENT little things, aren't they? They cost, like, money? Darn. Who woulda thought?


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Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
My xh acts like I owe him a thank you note every time he pays. Like I should be soo thankful he is doing the minimum the law requires. the very least he could get away with. Is anyone else's like that? It drives me crazy.
In march ex sent me an email that went on and on about what a great father he is because "I have never missed a single child support payment in years. I take care of my child". Ummmm..... yeah.... the state takes it directly out of his paycheck so ex never even sees the money and does absolutely nothing to make sure it gets to me. He's never paid for anything extra for ds (remember that ds has autism so has a lot of.... unusual.... expenses). He's never paid a dime towards healthcare or medication or anything. He, 6 years after it was ordered, still hasnt' gotten ds on his healthcare. He's seen ds twice in the last year, for a total of 6 hours. And that makes him father of the year? Dream on, buddy.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#15 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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My ex keeps telling me that he pays "more than he has to" and goes "above and beyond" even though he simply pays what our divorce agreement says. He says he doesn't make as much money as he did when we signed it, which is a bunch of garbage because just recently he's bragged to me about getting a promotion and he still works for the same company, etc. Also, he has a 6-figure salary, so he's not exactly eating out of trash cans. I've pointed out to him that if he needs child support amounts changed, he must do it legally - he can't just suddenly decide he wants to pay less and I'll just take his word for it. Lame.

I've also pointed out that carrying out his endless, dull threats would actually affect our child, not just me. His lame response was that he "sees that our kid gets what he needs". And how exactly does he do that, if not through me (as our son lives with me and I have sole physical custody)?

Anyway, the gist of his threats is to point out what a stellar human being he is for doing the minimum, and to make me feel like I'm groveling for by expecting him to simply follow the state-mandated rules.
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#16 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 05:19 PM
 
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My ex keeps telling me that he pays "more than he has to" and goes "above and beyond" even though he simply pays what our divorce agreement says. He says he doesn't make as much money as he did when we signed it, which is a bunch of garbage because just recently he's bragged to me about getting a promotion and he still works for the same company, etc. Also, he has a 6-figure salary, so he's not exactly eating out of trash cans. I've pointed out to him that if he needs child support amounts changed, he must do it legally - he can't just suddenly decide he wants to pay less and I'll just take his word for it. Lame.

I've also pointed out that carrying out his endless, dull threats would actually affect our child, not just me. His lame response was that he "sees that our kid gets what he needs". And how exactly does he do that, if not through me (as our son lives with me and I have sole physical custody)?

Anyway, the gist of his threats is to point out what a stellar human being he is for doing the minimum, and to make me feel like I'm groveling for by expecting him to simply follow the state-mandated rules.
OMG--am I married to your x's twin?????? I will never remarry. NEVER.
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#17 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 05:38 AM
 
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My xh acts like I owe him a thank you note every time he pays. Like I should be soo thankful he is doing the minimum the law requires. the very least he could get away with. Is anyone else's like that? It drives me crazy.
Yep. My ex acts like he's doing me a huge favour every time he pays me, and at the beginning he often paid me late (when our agreement was first of the month) or less than the requirement, or quibbled over paying at all. Here in the UK the CSA is useless at getting fathers to pay up so I just have to put up with it...he only gives me 160 a month which is 20 pounds less than the legal requirement. Which works out at only about 20 pounds a day. It sounds much less than what you all get in the US! And there's no obligation here to pay any of childcare, which to me is the most unfair. When I was working (I'm now just studying) I paid all the childcare and it was nearly all of what i earned.

Other than that though he is pretty good about his responsiblities, its just this resentment that seems to kick in with money where he feels it's unfair that he has to give a lot of his drinking and smoking money to me...he really seems to see it as giving it to me rather than just to our child. since he has ample to live on in the normal way of things. I think it may improve when DS is school age and it's more obvious that the money is needed for stuff...at the moment we get most of his clothes from my parents and I just pay for things like swimming and music group etc - he never does stuff like that with DS when he has him.
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#18 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 05:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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he really seems to see it as giving it to me rather than just to our child.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner! That's it! That's totally it! He doesn't look at it as money given to his children for their care; he sees it as money given to me. He gives no thought to all I do for the kids and will do once he's gone; it's this idea he has that I'm a "greedy b*tch" that he has to give his money to.
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#19 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 09:44 AM
 
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Well, I htink part of it is also here is this large lump of money that they are giving for the raising og their child and they have no say in how it gets spent. No control over it. I think my xh would feel better about giving me money if he could tell me exactly how to spend it.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#20 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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My ex is attempting to tell me how to spend it.
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#21 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 01:40 PM
 
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You know what?

I'm getting the feeling that we've all been married to the exact same guy!

I'm reading these posts and going 'YES!'....and 'OH YES'....my colleagues (I'm at work), well, I don't want to know what they think I have been doing in front of my computer.....

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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#22 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#23 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 06:02 PM
 
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My H is the same. His view that the child support amount is unfair and the law doesn't apply to him is the only sticking point in our separation agreement. He's been moved out for months and I haven't seen any CS yet.

DS September 2008 and DD September 2010
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#24 of 38 Old 09-24-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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Mine gets mad when I spend the money ON THE KIDS. "You're always buying them new clothes and stuff. Must be nice to have money." o.O Really?? He flipped out when I bought our son rain boots with Cars on them, instead of plain boots.

But he doesn't pay according to the court order - he pays what he feels he should have to each month. My kids are getting pretty good at living on sunshine and butterflies in the summer when his work is slim!

Because, you know, that $400 of C/S he gave me for September for three school-aged kids just totally was over the top. You should see the Prada backpack the 8 year old has.

Busy, hectic, HAPPY single mom to 3 awesome kiddos jumpers.gif DD1 (10) DS (8) DD2 (6)

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#25 of 38 Old 09-24-2010, 11:15 PM
 
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Wow. I'm sorry Jaime... He honestly sounds like a freaking loon. After all his time spent as a father, does he not realize that it COSTS MONEY to raise children? They need things. They are little people. He couldn't exist for free, what on earth makes him think that his two sons can? He seems to be really out of touch with reality, IMO.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

I'm me. In love with this guy. We're bringing up two girls: Big A (8) and Little A (3)

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#26 of 38 Old 09-26-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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Wow. I'm sorry Jaime... He honestly sounds like a freaking loon. After all his time spent as a father, does he not realize that it COSTS MONEY to raise children? They need things. They are little people. He couldn't exist for free, what on earth makes him think that his two sons can? He seems to be really out of touch with reality, IMO.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
Seriously.

I had to come back to this thread as my ex gets ever closer to his Father Of The Year award. He never did chip in for school supplies and all the "extras" that come with a new school year (our school, like more & more schools, sends out a huge list of things to bring on the first day not just for the student but for the classroom!), book fair money & all the activity fees coming up, replenishing his cafeteria account, backpack, lunch box, haircut, clothes, etc. I did not ask for help with these extras; ex is well aware of them (our son is in 4th grade) and in fact asked me if I'd paid for this & that. Which I had. Apparently it was idle curiosity because he never offered. Again, this is someone who makes a lot of money, and ironically has a job writing for a well-known financial magazine. And yet has no idea that these things cost a lot of extra money.

Because two days ago he said he was giving me a check so he could order a package of our son's school photos, and said there was $14.00 extra in the check which "should be plenty for his pencils". PENCILS? When I thanked him for his generosity, he angrily reminded me (again) that he goes "above and beyond" for merely giving me the amount of child support required by our divorce agreement. Yes, $14 above and beyond, and that's under duress.

This rant comes about because now I get a message from him that he's bringing our son home late, that "we need to change the return time from now on"... as if he just gets to decide these things on a whim. The arrogance is galling. Especially in light of his threats to reduce child support, his concurrent demand for more time with our child is just... well...
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#27 of 38 Old 09-26-2010, 11:07 PM
 
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The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#28 of 38 Old 09-27-2010, 02:22 AM
 
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Did I miss something? Why is your children's father allowed to wait until the children are out of childcare to start paying childsupport? Seems he would have to start paying once you have an agreement in the court?

Help me here?

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#29 of 38 Old 09-27-2010, 05:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Did I miss something? Why is your children's father allowed to wait until the children are out of childcare to start paying childsupport? Seems he would have to start paying once you have an agreement in the court?

Help me here?
He doesn't. He just knows it will be recalculated when they are out of daycare and that more money will be coming to me then. He also knows that, right now, every penny he sends goes to pay my half of daycare. [Since the newest calculations of his anticipated child support (he's not paying yet; he's just paying daycare right now cause we are still living together and that's what we've agreed to do), I'll actually be having to pay an additional $75/mo on top of what he's paying in child support to cover my half of daycare.] Once they are out of daycare then I will actually have that money in my pocket to spend on the kids clothes, food, etc instead of having to do it all myself. He thinks that $500/mo for 2 kids is too much.
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#30 of 38 Old 09-27-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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I was reading through all of this and started feeling a little less alone. Thank you!

On that note, my ex told me I am a greedy B***h because I filed for food stamps and medicaid. When you file for those as a single mom, you are required to contact child support enforcement down here, so I did. He was ordered to pay half the child care because we were working on 50/50 custody at his request.... now he is paying nothing at all.

Jen - Mommy to 2 little heathens: Lexi (5 years old) and JJ (16 Months Old)
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