I am so jealous of ex's girlfriend - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I recently saw a photo on ex's girlfriend's profile on facebook. It shows her, him and my 7 year old daughter smiling like a family. This is the woman who I consider a homewrecker; he was cheating on me with her which contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. In fact we were celebrating Christmas at church and I later found the phone record to find out he had been on the phone with her before and after. Additionally, I have sole custody and didn't give permission for my daughter's image to be posted. I asked her to remove it, can I petition facebook to do so? It is hurtful to me and "in your face". I do have some concern about it being a profile picture for anyone to see. I also know that even more, I am jealous and worried I have been replaced as a mother in some capacity.
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#2 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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I'm sure that you can petition facebook to have it taken off, because there are creepers who get on facebook just to see little kids pics. However, don't be worried about being replaced. Daughters almost ALWAYS have an attitude of sorts toward their fathers partners. I did, that's for sure. And, every single one of my friends who had stepmom's or their dad's girlfriends couldn't really stand them and only were nice to them for their dad. Even if she doesn't have that attitude, she KNOWS that YOU are her mother and nothing can replace you!!

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#3 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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You can try to petition if you really want, but if theres no nudity or anything I don't think it will work.

Why don't you just block her and your ex on facebook instead? I think choosing not to expose yourself to their life is a better use of your time than trying to get pictures of your dd taken down. That way you can move on - which can't happen if you're looking at her facebook.
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#4 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Its not like we're friends on facebook. I chose to look at the page out of curiosity but youre right about moving on. I am not proud of my behavior, its just that the way my marriage ended still hurts and likely always will. I guess I just needed to vent that it is hurtful and that she chose to put that pic up instead of one with her little brother who is my daughters age. jealousy sucks.
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#5 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 02:08 PM
 
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This isn't very gentle but....what do you have to be jealous of? She is with your ex? Your lying, cheating ex. That she is with your daughter? Your beautiful daughter who YOU gave birth to (and she never can) who lives with you (and not them) and who no doubt adores you (in a way she will never adore her step mother)...? I don't know the back story, but just from this post, if you let go of the jealousy you will be well and truly The Winner in this situation. She didn't MAKE him cheat, he made those terrible, hurtful choices himself. He chose to hurt you and betray you. I know that is really painful, but better to admit it to yourself than to regard HER as the problem and feel jealousy for months or years.

Many many to you Mamacassafrass. I hope you find peace on this.
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#6 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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I understand. I saw pictures of my ex's homewrecking girlfriend loving on my baby (the hw had her arms around Ava but Ava's arms were to her side. I know Ava loves all over her probably but I am glad I didn't have to see it.) SICK. I just want to scream at her to get her filthy blood stained hands off my dd That woman is no friend!!! Her and my xh were sleeping together from the time she was a baby!! And I am pretty sure they were together while I was pregnant. She should be too ashamed of herself to even look that baby in the eye! She has been nothing but a wrecking ball in that child's life since before day one. And she knew. She knew he had a wife and kids. Probably knew I was pregnant.

Is it jealousy you are feeling? Or is it repulsion and anger and fear?

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#7 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 03:28 PM
 
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I understand how you're feeling. It's awful for you, and it's OK to feel anger and jealousy sometimes. Pictures don't tell a whole story though. You don't know if they're actally happy. Even if they are, you don't know how long it will last. Statistics say that somewhere around 95% of relationships that start as an affair don't make it past five years.

I definitely recommend staying away from fishing expeditions like that. They're guaranteed to bring you more pain.

I also recommend trying to look on the bright side, even though it's really hard. I've read stuff on a step-parent's chat board where the step-parents are just awful. When I was going through what you're going through, I had to at some point realize that if dd is happy, well, that's all that really matters. It's irritating as all hell when homewreckers try to play happy family, but it's a million times better than the wicked stepmother who wants nothing to do with the kids. (On a side note, I'll let you know that OW was a friend of mine, and she was one of those Hello Kitty crazies who had a house full of that stuff, and she'd send dd home with Hell Kitty crap all the time, which I know was to let me know that she's playing mommy with my kid. I can't tell you how much Hello Kitty drives me up a wall now. )

I also recommend turning the focus to you. What are you doing for yourself today? How are you caring for yourself? What can you do today that will make you feel better about yourself?
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#8 of 15 Old 09-20-2010, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
This isn't very gentle but....what do you have to be jealous of? She is with your ex? Your lying, cheating ex. That she is with your daughter? Your beautiful daughter who YOU gave birth to (and she never can) who lives with you (and not them) and who no doubt adores you (in a way she will never adore her step mother)...? I don't know the back story, but just from this post, if you let go of the jealousy you will be well and truly The Winner in this situation. She didn't MAKE him cheat, he made those terrible, hurtful choices himself. He chose to hurt you and betray you. I know that is really painful, but better to admit it to yourself than to regard HER as the problem and feel jealousy for months or years.

Many many to you Mamacassafrass. I hope you find peace on this.
Yes, thank you. I know I needed to hear this too. I am ashamed for feeling jealous, yes that she is with my daughter, probably even with my lying, cheating ex (more shame admittting that!).

And others, thank you for saying you understand because I need that too. I know I shouldn't have looked at the facebook, but I did and I didn't like what I saw.

Also, I know I should be grateful because the girlfriend is not an evil stepmother type. My daughter likes her (adores?) and they have fun together. Maybe someday I can come to truely appreciate that.
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#9 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 12:14 AM
 
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I really sympathize with you. Your feelings are completely understandable.

After time has passed and this doesn't seem so raw (and that will happen), you will realize and accept that you can't control whom your ex has in your daughter's life. Perhaps you do have a legal right to control the circulation of images of your child, but I think later you may feel embarassed if you pursue this. I think, deep down, you realize this stems from your (understandable) bitterness and jealousy, rather than a legitimate need to protect your daughter from some sort of exploitation.

Your ex may not deserve her, but your daughter will continue to have a close relationship with him...and that may mean that, when she's with him, his GF will feel like "part of the family". Especially if she becomes her stepmother. Again, I completely understand why you would want to scream to the world that this woman is NOT your child's family and doesn't deserve to be. But screaming that to the world is not beneficial to your daughter and it broadcasts to others that you feel jealous.

Focus instead on the fact that you cannot possibly be replaced, in your daughter's life. Even if she develops a close relationship with her Dad's GF, that woman will never be Mom and she will always feel like she can't quite compare to you, no matter how nice she tries to be, to your daughter. That's really true. When you feel like lashing out, think about that until you realize that I'm right...and then let your ex's and his GF's bad behavior just roll off your back. He doesn't deserve you, anyway.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:    or... twin sons:(HS seniors) ... step-son:  (a sophomore) ... our little man:   (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#10 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 12:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamacassafrass View Post
I know I shouldn't have looked at the facebook, but I did and I didn't like what I saw.

.
Yeah, I know it too. Stupid stupid stupid idea. And I still get sucked into it. Its so hard not to. It is like watching some stupid movie you know will give you nightmares. Bad idea but you do it anyway. You can't look away. But when you do it, when temptation gets the best of you come here and rant and rage. We will hug you and reassure you we have all been there.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#11 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 01:00 AM
 
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I won't put MY daughter on facebook, I sure as hell wouldn't be happy if some ho put my kid's pic up! I would petition without a doubt. Don't care if it's ignored I would have to try for my own sanity. I would probably post something snarky about it too.
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#12 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 05:33 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamacassafrass View Post
Yes, thank you. I know I needed to hear this too. I am ashamed for feeling jealous, yes that she is with my daughter, probably even with my lying, cheating ex (more shame admittting that!).

And others, thank you for saying you understand because I need that too. I know I shouldn't have looked at the facebook, but I did and I didn't like what I saw.

Also, I know I should be grateful because the girlfriend is not an evil stepmother type. My daughter likes her (adores?) and they have fun together. Maybe someday I can come to truely appreciate that.
Oh hun, i don't want to encourage shame! None of this is your fault. Jealousy is a reaction to the enormity of the situation and the shock it caused. As you gradually take in and accept the part your ex played in all this your anger at and jealousy of her will almost certainly naturally fade - jealousy is the reaction you would have if he WAS the wonderful man you believed him to be - as you process everything that happened it will fade. Everything is a process, you shouldn't feel any shame for being temporarily embroiled in that process. It's like being ashamed of feeling anger during grieving - for many, perhaps most, people it's completely normal and they cannot complete the process without it. From this thread you can see how many people also felt jealousy, it's normal! Don't feel shame, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Checking her Facebook was a bad idea - but only because it had the potential to hurt YOU, not for any other reason. Sometimes when we're in pain we go on hurting ourselves because it's like we have to make it all as painful as possible before we can begin to recover - i think you should try to not expose yourself to potentially painful information/situations BUT if you do i think that is fairly natural and again, nothing to feel ashamed of.

I'm sure your daughter adores her stepmum in her own way, but believe me, i have a 4yo DD with a dada and a stepdaddy. She LOVES her step daddy, i mean adores him, and they have a ton of fun together. But he ain't her dada, and she knows it. The nature and intensity of her love for her dada is totally separate from that which she has for her step dad.
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#13 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure your daughter adores her stepmum in her own way, but believe me, i have a 4yo DD with a dada and a stepdaddy. She LOVES her step daddy, i mean adores him, and they have a ton of fun together. But he ain't her dada, and she knows it. The nature and intensity of her love for her dada is totally separate from that which she has for her step dad.
I get this and actually there is more to the story. I am in a relationship now which has pretty much gone sour. (didn't give myself enough time to recover...but that's another post.) I have seen how my DD loves on BF, calls him dad (usually by mistake, but once wrote about him in her school journal and referred to him as my dad), and has on occasion completely left my ex out of her "my family" drawings. I HAVE NOT ENCOURAGED THIS! In fact I have talked with her about it and about her dad's feelings. BTW she has a good relationship with dad, he sees her fairly regularly. I think she just wants to please everyone. So if she thought it would please dad and his girlfriend to call her "mommy" she probably would. And my heart would break

Thanks for responding.
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#14 of 15 Old 09-21-2010, 11:19 AM
 
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I think she just wants to please everyone. So if she thought it would please dad and his girlfriend to call her "mommy" she probably would. And my heart would break

Thanks for responding.
When I first got together with DH, DSS's Mom told me in a very upset way that DSS was her baby and that he could never call me mom which I respected. At this point in our relationship we all acknowledge that I am one of DSS's parents but not mom. Would it be possible to ask your ex to have DD not call anyone else mom and you could agree that he will be only dad. Sometimes this won't work DSS occasionally will call me mom but mostly because I am doing the things his mom does for him not because he thinks I am his mom.

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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#15 of 15 Old 09-22-2010, 11:31 AM
 
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I understand how you're feeling. My daughter's stepmother currently has a picture of herself with her three kids and my daughter as her profile pic, and it makes me squirm a bit.
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