What is the legal line between "my body" and "Father's Rights"? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For those of you who don't know my story... Dated a guy for two months who turned abusive and possesive. Got talked into sex, got pregnant by accident. Guy was very possesive of me and my son from the very beginning- within a week of dating, trying to talk me into seeing what I could do to have my son in HIS custody instead of my ex-Husband's (not my son's Bio-Father, but my son's acting Father for most his life) if something were to happen to me, telling me what to do, when to do it, only allowing certain food to be bought, certain house rules in MY house, etc. Basically, I wasn't his "girlfriend", I was his "property". When he found out I was pregnant, he became very possessive of the unborn child, insisting he was gonna file for full custody upon birth, etc. (Putting that in there to emphasize what kind of "father" he will be, what kind of "co-parent" he will be, what kind of "boyfriend" he was.)

He's emailing me again. He wants to be there at the birth. If I don't let him, I'm "keeping the child from it's father". I don't want him there because the sight of him makes me sick, and I'm not up for having any more audience than necessary watching me in my most vulnerable posistion. He wants to come over and feel the baby move by touching my stomach. If I don't let him, I'm "keeping the child from it's father". I don't want him touching me, period. Not going into details, but it never felt good when he touched me before, it was always as a form of control. He wants to watch me nurse when the baby's born. I'm all for breastfeeding, but I'm a modest person- I like to cover up, I certainly don't want to expose myself to HIM. He doesn't really want to see the baby nurse, he wants to oogle my boobs (I know this from a past relationship where he told me babies should be given breastmilk, but from bottles, 'cause boobs are for men and he can't wait until I breastfeed the baby 'cause it's gonna get him so turned on), but if I don't let him watch, I'm "keeping the child from it's father".

How much can he force me to do, if he brought me to court? Could he actually use the "keeping the child from it's father" in a way that makes me look bad, and him better, for custody or visitation? He's trying to play the "I just want to be a Dad to my child and she's preventing me from bonding with the child" card, and I know alot of judges fall for it.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#2 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:38 PM
 
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ugh, god! I just threw up in my mouth..........

You are not keeping the child from its father until its born. He is not allowed to touch you, not allowed to be there during the birth unless you want him there, and not allowed for ANY REASON to watch you nurse your child. BLECK, that just seriously gave me the creeps!

Have you considered a RO against this poor excuse for a man/UAV?? There has got to be grounds somewhere for one of those.
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#3 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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He can't do anything. You don't want him at the birth, watching you nurse, touching your belly that is totally your choice alone. Keep in mind you were never married, he can not even prove it is his child until after the birth. Stop talking to him in every way until after the baby is born. He sounds dangerous.
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#4 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:43 PM
 
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He is completely full of $h!t... He has no legal rights to your body regardless of whose child you are gestating. You are under no obligation to subject yourself to unwanted touch or exposure under any circumstances. Period.

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#5 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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I don't believe that his parental rights come into play until baby is actually born...hence, you can (and SHOULD) keep him far away from you until the baby is born. No way should he be present when you are at your most vulnerable.

What is your birth plan so far? Will you have a doula? Do you have a doctor or midwife? If so, I would recommend talking to your doc/midwife right away and explain the situation to him/her in no uncertain terms...i.e. "the father's baby is an abusive man that I have left and I DO NOT want him at the birth".

Keep all details about the birth and other medical follow-up appointments secret. You do not owe him anything, especially considering his abusive tendencies.

I strongly recommend going No Contact until well after baby is born. As Avani stated, you were never married so the onus of proving paternity falls to him.
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#6 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:48 PM
 
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He's disgusting and manipulative and he's full of it, legally.

He is also harrassing you. I strongly advise that you consult with a lawyer so that you empower yourself by knowing YOUR rights, and that you tell your doctor/midwife/whatever that you do not want this person anywhere near you in labor. I would also advise cutting off contact with him for now. Have a lawyer tell him that he'll be notified of the baby's birth. And for heaven's sake, please DO NOT give him details about when/where, etc. Refuse to speak with him on the phone or in person. If he shows up, call the police.

As for his harrassment up until now, you can go right now to the police department, as a non-emergency and tell them that you would like to file a police report about this person, that he continues to harrass and threaten you. They may ask whether or not you would like action taken on this right now, and that is up to you, but at the very least get it ON PAPER at the station. Your ex doesn't even have to know about it right now, but you want to create a paper trail. He will use threats to try and get you to talk to him, but by now you know it's utter garbage (he needs to form a bond with the baby WHILE you are giving birth and nursing?) and that's just the type of person he is. It's hard not to be nervous when such a person is making threats, but his threats are not credible. Please stop speaking with him and get the facts from the professionals, not from him!
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#7 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post
Have you considered a RO against this poor excuse for a man/UAV?? There has got to be grounds somewhere for one of those.
Very much considered it. The problem with that is, then he will definitely be unsupervised with the baby during visitation, able to take the baby wherever he wants, including to his home, where he lives with his abusive Mother. The baby will be in emotional danger, possibly physical danger, and definitely neglect, though mostly not in ways I can prove in court. I'm trying to strongly encourage liberal visitation, at my house without a court order, for as long as possible. It's a fine line, mostly likely I'll lose, anyways, but him feeling "welcomed" over for dinner three nights a week or so is so much more bearable than handing my baby over to HIM, for several hours at a time, probably several times a week, without me there to keep an eye on things (and document). A restraining order would make that impossible.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#8 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If so, I would recommend talking to your doc/midwife right away and explain the situation to him/her in no uncertain terms...i.e. "the father's baby is an abusive man that I have left and I DO NOT want him at the birth".

Keep all details about the birth and other medical follow-up appointments secret. You do not owe him anything, especially considering his abusive tendencies.
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As for his harrassment up until now, you can go right now to the police department, as a non-emergency and tell them that you would like to file a police report about this person, that he continues to harrass and threaten you. They may ask whether or not you would like action taken on this right now, and that is up to you, but at the very least get it ON PAPER at the station. Your ex doesn't even have to know about it right now, but you want to create a paper trail.
Way ahead of you two there!

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#9 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:08 PM
 
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Out of curiosity, what would happen if you pretend he just doesn't exist? For like, ever? Don't respond to him, don't advise him of birth, nothing. You were not married so he has no inherent rights and would have to pursue everything through legal channels. Is he motivated enough to do that?

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#10 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:10 PM
 
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YEA THAT. Sounds like a good start to me!
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#11 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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Very much considered it. The problem with that is, then he will definitely be unsupervised with the baby during visitation, able to take the baby wherever he wants, including to his home, where he lives with his abusive Mother. The baby will be in emotional danger, possibly physical danger, and definitely neglect, though mostly not in ways I can prove in court. I'm trying to strongly encourage liberal visitation, at my house without a court order, for as long as possible. It's a fine line, mostly likely I'll lose, anyways, but him feeling "welcomed" over for dinner three nights a week or so is so much more bearable than handing my baby over to HIM, for several hours at a time, probably several times a week, without me there to keep an eye on things (and document). A restraining order would make that impossible.
Not true. When a restraining order is in place you may be able to get supervised visits by a professional supervisor. Also he isn't just going to be able to take the baby period. If you don't put him on the birth certificate it could take months for him to file to establish paternity and then after that any custody of the baby. If the baby is nursing this could stall even further. Why would you allow that man liberally in your home to visit that baby. That sounds dangerous and scary. I understand you wanting to be the supervisor but with a restraining order he may not get any custody for awhile or at least with supervision. Attempt to not put him on the birth certificate. Make him have to file and fight. the restraining order will help you in many ways.
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#12 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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I did a bit of an internet search, and it looks like in New York, establishing paternity is done after birth. A name on the birth certificate isn't enough, the father must sign a legal document that he's the father, and if paternity is challenged must undergo paternity testing to establish proof. If it's him that's pushing for it, he'll have to pay for legal fees, testing, etc. out of pocket.

I would cut off all contact with him, file with the cops over his harassment, and not tell him a thing. Until paternity is established, after birth, you aren't denying him his rights one iota.

Also, consider that if there's grounds for a restraining order, there are probably grounds for limited/supervised visitation. If it's as bad as you say, you might also consider moving and not let him know where you're going, before the birth, as he'll then have to go to even more expense to find you. Either way, I'd talk to a lawyer about it. Often there are legal clinics at law schools or other pro bono legal aid available if you need it, especially just for a consultation.

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#13 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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He is completely full of $h!t... He has no legal rights to your body regardless of whose child you are gestating. You are under no obligation to subject yourself to unwanted touch or exposure under any circumstances. Period.
I belive this true. I think your ex is being disgusting.

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#14 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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If it's as bad as you say, you might also consider moving and not let him know where you're going, before the birth, as he'll then have to go to even more expense to find you.
Honestly, if I were in your situation, and I had the means to move to an undisclosed location, that's what I would do (after getting a restraining order). He currently has no legal rights, and he will have to establish them after the birth should he care to do so. I would do everything in my power to make that as difficult for him as possible, and moving would definitely make it harder. It would mean forgoing child support, and it would mean claiming that you don't know who the father is should you ever apply for welfare or state health care benefits, but in your situation, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

If you were just in a situation where you guys broke up and you didn't like him very much, I'd give you very different advice, but what you talked about in your OP is very, very scary.
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#15 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 05:15 PM
 
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I'd like to hear him try to tell a judge that he should be able to watch you breastfeed. That would go over well.

I hope you're documenting all this.
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#16 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 05:20 PM
 
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Honestly, if I were in your situation, and I had the means to move to an undisclosed location, that's what I would do (after getting a restraining order). He currently has no legal rights, and he will have to establish them after the birth should he care to do so. I would do everything in my power to make that as difficult for him as possible, and moving would definitely make it harder. It would mean forgoing child support, and it would mean claiming that you don't know who the father is should you ever apply for welfare or state health care benefits, but in your situation, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

If you were just in a situation where you guys broke up and you didn't like him very much, I'd give you very different advice, but what you talked about in your OP is very, very scary.

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#17 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 05:28 PM
 
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Not true. When a restraining order is in place you may be able to get supervised visits by a professional supervisor. Also he isn't just going to be able to take the baby period. If you don't put him on the birth certificate it could take months for him to file to establish paternity and then after that any custody of the baby. If the baby is nursing this could stall even further. Why would you allow that man liberally in your home to visit that baby. That sounds dangerous and scary. I understand you wanting to be the supervisor but with a restraining order he may not get any custody for awhile or at least with supervision. Attempt to not put him on the birth certificate. Make him have to file and fight. the restraining order will help you in many ways.
Yes, I agree. I completely understand your fear, OP, and your intent to protect the baby. I did something very similar with my ex before we were divorced, because I was worried too. But you are several steps ahead of where I was: You are not married, so as the others have said, your ex has to establish paternity and he can't even begin to do that until the baby is born. You have zero obligation to speak to him; the ball is in his court and the only way he can pursue anything is legally, although he will try to accomplish his "goals" by harrassing you instead.

Just believe that any man who is truly interested in having a relationship with his child will do so by legal, proper means, because they will also want what's best for the child. Not by intimidating their ex. It sounds like your ex is much more interested in controlling YOU. Having him in your house is a bad, bad idea. (Again, I know because I've been there with a controlling ex). And no matter how reasonable you are, it will not be enough to stop him from threatening to take the baby when he wants to, anyway. It's never enough for this type of guy, because the idea is to control you and get things his way. It will just get ugly fast. And, if you let him in your home, it will be that much harder for you to tell a judge, "Well, he's always harrassed me, so..."

That's why it would behoove you to take legal action NOW. It will also make you a lot less interesting to your ex, if he knows that contact with you is severely limited. He won't get to say disgusting things to you, try to control your life, intimitate you... make it very boring for him by making it very legal.
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#18 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 06:07 PM
 
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Legally speaking, right now, there is no baby, and your XBF therefore has no rights. He never has the right to touch you without your permission, nor does he have any right to watch what you do in private.

What you need, mama, is a lawyer. And you need one right now. This guy is a UAV now, he'll still be a UAV after the birth. Ideally, you want to be able to tell him that further requests and inquiries will have to be directed to your attorney.

And then change your phone number. Replace your cell if you gotta. Forward all email to your lawyer's office.

Were I in your shoes, I would check into RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) and whatever local domestic violence resources exist. If neither of those organizations can help you find a lawyer, try looking up your state Bar Association (they often have hotlines for referrals).

I think a restraining order would be very reasonable in these circumstances, and I agree that you should go ahead and drag your feet over paternity.

For how much he can force you to do: right now, very little. HIPPA regulations mean that medical information can only be given to him with your explicit consent, he may only attend your pre-natal checkups at your invitation, and I assure you that L&D staff have plenty of experience with having violent, unpleasant or unwelcome dads removed from the ward.
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#19 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 08:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Out of curiosity, what would happen if you pretend he just doesn't exist? For like, ever? Don't respond to him, don't advise him of birth, nothing. You were not married so he has no inherent rights and would have to pursue everything through legal channels. Is he motivated enough to do that?
He needs to prove paternity as soon as the baby's born or his Mother will disinherit him. I don't know if he has the money (his Mother does), but he will do whatever possible not to lose his inheritance. I suspect he would file for legal... whatever he can file for.

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Not true. When a restraining order is in place you may be able to get supervised visits by a professional supervisor. Also he isn't just going to be able to take the baby period. If you don't put him on the birth certificate it could take months for him to file to establish paternity and then after that any custody of the baby. If the baby is nursing this could stall even further. Why would you allow that man liberally in your home to visit that baby. That sounds dangerous and scary. I understand you wanting to be the supervisor but with a restraining order he may not get any custody for awhile or at least with supervision. Attempt to not put him on the birth certificate. Make him have to file and fight. the restraining order will help you in many ways.
My sister was in a similar situation, only her daughter was older. Her ex beat her and then choked her while she was holding my then 2 year old niece. He got supervised, then unsupervised, then supervised visitation with my neice for the next 5 years. It was finally stopped when my niece was simply too big of a child for the people supervising the visit to physically carry a 7 1/2 year old girl in to her father crying, kicking and screaming. And she had a much more violent situation with him than me with my ex, and much more physical proof as well. I have very little faith in the court system.

Luckily, I am still legally married to my Husband, who is not the baby's Father. Neither of us have bothered to file any kind of court papers, even though we both have technically moved on. I plan on using the fact that my Husband will be the legal Father upon birth to stall the baby's Father. I plan on leaving no Father's name on the birth certificate. My Husband and I are still friends, he is very concerned about me and the baby, so he is willing to wait as long as possible until he signs the Affidavit of Denial of Paternity. My ex can do nothing until that is signed. I don't know how long we can stall that, though, 'cause I will be on, at the very least, Food Stamps and Medicaid, so they will try to suck child support out of my Husband if they believe he is the Father. Once he's proven not the Father, they will want to know who is, so that they can get the child support out of somebody. I can't lie and say I don't know who it is, because then I could permanently lose benefits. That's the best stall tactic I have as of yet.

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I hope you're documenting all this.
I am.

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Were I in your shoes, I would check into RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) and whatever local domestic violence resources exist. If neither of those organizations can help you find a lawyer, try looking up your state Bar Association (they often have hotlines for referrals).
I will look into it. I need a free lawyer. I have hardly enough money for food, have barely bought anything for the baby yet. I can't afford a lawyer.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#20 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 09:10 PM
 
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Well you need to realize that these cases are all very different. Depends on circumstances, the judges mood, the history. etc. the worse you can do is file and not get one and then he does something awful and you go back to court with the history and then you get a long term one. Mine was turned down the first time with an extensive abusive history and police reports. The second time i was given a three year one. You never know and it can't hurt to try.
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#21 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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I'm sure this depends on the state... but...

if you aren't going to try and get child support from the birth father...

I believe as long as long as the father pays *something* it's like an 8 week cycle before he *has* to pay something again - that is, fathers can really take advantage of the system, in terms of child support...

So, I guess, as long as your ex-dh (who is a friend?) is willing to help you get out of a sticky situation, you could technically not have him sign anything that says it's not his baby... and just keep the status quo in terms of child support. That is, make an agreement with your ex-dh to keep paying for the same amount (for the child you have with him)... and wouldn't that block the actual birth father from being able to sue for paternity rights if your dh never signs something saying he's NOT the father? I guess if you want to totally block this dude, that might be one way to go about it... just essentially claim that your current husband IS the baby's father.

So basically, if they try and "go after him" for more money, he should be able to stick with what he's still paying because of the stupid loopholes (that are generally hard on single mothers whose ex partners pay the minimum, but may be used to your advantage in talking him into this, this time...)

Maybe I'm missing something here. Sorry if it's not clear what I mean...

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#22 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure this depends on the state... but...

if you aren't going to try and get child support from the birth father...

I believe as long as long as the father pays *something* it's like an 8 week cycle before he *has* to pay something again - that is, fathers can really take advantage of the system, in terms of child support...

So, I guess, as long as your ex-dh (who is a friend?) is willing to help you get out of a sticky situation, you could technically not have him sign anything that says it's not his baby... and just keep the status quo in terms of child support. That is, make an agreement with your ex-dh to keep paying for the same amount (for the child you have with him)... and wouldn't that block the actual birth father from being able to sue for paternity rights if your dh never signs something saying he's NOT the father? I guess if you want to totally block this dude, that might be one way to go about it... just essentially claim that your current husband IS the baby's father.

So basically, if they try and "go after him" for more money, he should be able to stick with what he's still paying because of the stupid loopholes (that are generally hard on single mothers whose ex partners pay the minimum, but may be used to your advantage in talking him into this, this time...)

Maybe I'm missing something here. Sorry if it's not clear what I mean...
I think I get what you mean. I've never heard of that before, definitely worth looking for some similar loophole. My ExHusband is not my first son's Biological Father, so he's not paying child support, however he is paying unofficial support (kinda like alimony- his idea). Perhaps I can talk him into some kind of trade-in. Hell, I'd give my ExHusband the money back each month after they sent it to me if it meant keeping the baby's father out of my life!

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#23 of 38 Old 09-20-2010, 11:08 PM
 
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OK, I haven't read the replies...

1) Get a restraining order against him immediately. Even if it's denied, your request will be on record. Request again if it's denied.
2) Keep ALL texts and emails from him. Avoid speaking via telephone and suggest he email you instead.
3) Keep a calendar with a record of any and all harassing contacts from him - if he calls multiple times to annoy you, etc.
4) Child support and visitation are NOT CONNECTED. He can ask for visitation even if you don't ask for child support. Likewise, you cannot deny visitation even if he ordered to pay but fails to do so. Further YOU are not entitled to any child support - legally it is the right of the CHILD.
5) You are not required to have anyone in the birthing room with you, nor are you required to let anyone visit you in the hospital. Let the staff know that he is not welcome and they will contact security upon his arrival. You are certainly not required to let him see your breasts under any circumstance - in the manner he is demanding, that is a form of sexual abuse (no BFing is not sexual for mom, but if it is for others and he is coercing you to do it, then yes, it's wrong).
6) Contact a women's shelter in your area - they will be able to direct you to a lawyer on staff or who works with them that can tell you your rights and responsibilities in your state. Do it now before the baby arrives so you can have everything set up.
7) Let family members know that he is intimidating and harassing you - they will be able to testify that they were aware of the circumstances down the road if need be.

(((Hugs)))
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#24 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 08:05 AM
 
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Hell, I'd give my ExHusband the money back each month after they sent it to me if it meant keeping the baby's father out of my life!
I was actually going to suggest this, but didnt want to sound like a complete idiot if it wasnt possible.
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#25 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 08:32 AM
 
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I was actually going to suggest this, but didnt want to sound like a complete idiot if it wasnt possible.
Yup, I was going to suggest the exact same thing last night, but was afraid to sound like an idiot as well. I think this would be a fabulous solution. Your ex-husband sounds like an excellent resource for you. So glad he is in your life, and I am so very sorry you have your crazy ex in your life right now. What a frightening thing to have to deal with while you are pregnant.

Just wanted to mention that if you give birth in the hospital, you can check in anonymously and noone can possibly know that you are a patient there. I had a friend who had to do that once due to a crazy ex and the only way to go see her was to go to directly to the floor where she was and tell them that I wanted to see her by giving them her full name and her room number. Then the nurses would come to her room, ask if she wanted to see me and if she did, they sent me down the hall to her room. I was also there when a flower delivery guy came, and they came down and said, "there is a guy here with a foreign accent and a bouquet of flowers, do you want him to come deliver them?" She said no, so they simply said they couldn't tell him whether she was there or not, so he left the flowers and they brought them down to her later. Easy Peasy and no unannounced visitors at all.

Formerly single Mama to the zaniest boy on the block, born on my birthday on 3/28/07. Soon to be Mama to a new little and can't wait to bfinfant.gif and femalesling.GIF and familybed1.gif again! 
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#26 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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If you guys (xh and yourself) are amicable enough, and he is that concerned about you (and baby), I would keep it up also. I am more for "fathers rights" than most (my dad had sole custody of me from the age of 3, in a time when it was less common than it is now) but it sounds that nothing good can come from this guy. His desires on how to be involved are creepy at best, and his bottom line concern is his inheritance, which means that his mother is, apparently, bsc also... That's an epic double-rainbow fail...

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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#27 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 11:55 AM
 
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I did a bit of an internet search, and it looks like in New York, establishing paternity is done after birth. A name on the birth certificate isn't enough, the father must sign a legal document that he's the father, and if paternity is challenged must undergo paternity testing to establish proof. If it's him that's pushing for it, he'll have to pay for legal fees, testing, etc. out of pocket.

I would cut off all contact with him, file with the cops over his harassment, and not tell him a thing. Until paternity is established, after birth, you aren't denying him his rights one iota.

Also, consider that if there's grounds for a restraining order, there are probably grounds for limited/supervised visitation. If it's as bad as you say, you might also consider moving and not let him know where you're going, before the birth, as he'll then have to go to even more expense to find you. Either way, I'd talk to a lawyer about it. Often there are legal clinics at law schools or other pro bono legal aid available if you need it, especially just for a consultation.
Yes, with one addition (I'm in NY, and my ex is on my son's bc). The father must BE PRESENT and the MOTHER AND FATHER must sign an acknowledgment of paternity AT THE BIRTH in order for the father to be on the bc. We messed up our original acknowledgment of paternity and got a BC without his name, and then had to file a second one to get his name on it. It was some dang technicality like I didn't sign it until the day after ds was born and didn't back date it (I was out of it ok? ANd really tired.)

So, if he's not at the birth (DO NOT LET HIM) he won't be on the BC. Oh well, to bad.

ETA - I'd forgotten that your exh is the PRESUMED father and will go on the BC. That means getting this other guy on the BC is going to be a HUGE HUGE hassle ON TOP OF what I outlined above as the hassle we went through to get my ex on the bc. Seriously, it was a PITA, and your situation is more of a PITA. And, to top it off, in NY, if your exh (willingly) takes on a "father" role to this child, it would be even more difficult for either of them to change it. Contact a lawyer. Talk about your options.
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#28 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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So, if he's not at the birth (DO NOT LET HIM) he won't be on the BC. Oh well, to bad.
Yes!
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#29 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, with one addition (I'm in NY, and my ex is on my son's bc). The father must BE PRESENT and the MOTHER AND FATHER must sign an acknowledgment of paternity AT THE BIRTH in order for the father to be on the bc. We messed up our original acknowledgment of paternity and got a BC without his name, and then had to file a second one to get his name on it. It was some dang technicality like I didn't sign it until the day after ds was born and didn't back date it (I was out of it ok? ANd really tired.)

So, if he's not at the birth (DO NOT LET HIM) he won't be on the BC. Oh well, to bad.

ETA - I'd forgotten that your exh is the PRESUMED father and will go on the BC. That means getting this other guy on the BC is going to be a HUGE HUGE hassle ON TOP OF what I outlined above as the hassle we went through to get my ex on the bc. Seriously, it was a PITA, and your situation is more of a PITA. And, to top it off, in NY, if your exh (willingly) takes on a "father" role to this child, it would be even more difficult for either of them to change it. Contact a lawyer. Talk about your options.
deleted

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#30 of 38 Old 09-21-2010, 03:17 PM
 
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Oh, the baby's father will not be at the birth. ... As soon as his name is on there, I will have to fight for custody, 'cause without papers stating I have custody, he will be able to legally take the baby out of daycare during the day, if he were to think of it. Another reason why I'm afraid to go the whole Welfare/Food Stamp/Medicaid route- if he takes a paternity test through DSS, will his name automatically be added to the Birth Certificate? ...
Ok, if baby LIVES in NY - he will have to file in NY for paternity (b/c the plae the child lives is the place that has jurisdiction - not the place the BC was filed). This is NOT something that happens overnight. It will take MONTHS to get done. And it can ONLY happen AFTER the baby is born - so if he doesn't even know, you don't have to worry until he finds out. AFAIK he has to go to court, you have to be SERVED papers, you both have to APPEAR in court, there has to be an ORDER issued for a DNA test by the judge you appear in front of, the DNA test has to be completed, and a judge has to ORDER the BC changed. Complicated process right? Most likely the SOONEST it would all be done is when your baby is 4 months old.

You need to meet with some lawyers so that you know what your rights are. So that you know if all this happens you can get temp stipulations that say you have sole custody. You can't just go along. And yes, in NY both parents are presumed to have equal rights until there is a court ORDER stating otherwise.

I'm with Latte Mama and I edited my post to take out the info she mentioned deleting.
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