lunch with my ex, on our wedding anniversary - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-22-2010, 10:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today it's been three years since my recently exed husband and I got married. (We've been together for 7 years, our daughter's four and half.) This shift is still very fresh for us: I asked to be separated from him about two months ago; he moved out three weeks ago. We survived a really hard few weeks of hostility and tension just after he moved out (and his new girlfriend and I learned she REALLY needed to have more space from me), but lately it's been good.

My approach with most things in life is to dive in and make a mess while discovering and fixing what's wrong. I'm very extroverted, up front, dramatic, and introspective. My wasband's much more private, contemplative, and overwhelmingly more able to bury his feelings and "move on". Over the last week he's agreed that we'll both benefit from talking about our feelings.. moving toward being friends and finding healthy comfortable ways to play new roles in each other's lives. Hense, lunch on our anniversary.

Have/do any of you meet with your exs on your wedding anniversary (or equivalent) ? I'm worried my wasband's new girlfriend, my mother, or the others who think he and I should have more space are going to accuse me of not respecting his boundaries, attempting to manipulating him, meddling with his new life, etc. If you had the ability to have a friendly relationship with your new ex, do you think anniversary lunch together is uncalled for?


And, should I dress up a bit? I'm a cloths person, but infrequently wear make up. Should I treat myself to a new mascara and lip gloss on the way to lunch? I'm a bit intimidated by how put together his new girlfriend is... he's called her "perfect" because she never seems to be, have, or make a mess. It's not that I want to have him back... but I admit I'd like him to mourn loosing me a bit.
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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I think that it's probably too soon, too fresh, and that you do need to have more space.
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:22 AM
 
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For who's benefit are you doing this? I'm sorry but I really don't understand why you want to celebrate a wedding anniversary when the marrige is no longer intact. Especially when your ex has his "perfect" girlfriend. I can only conclude you would feel misserable if you do this! Stop worrying about your ex and take some time for yourself to heal and find yourself. Regain your confidence in yourself and move on. Then you can start having contact with your ex without those yearning thoughts.
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Old 09-22-2010, 11:22 AM
 
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I think its a bad idea. Move on, making him want to regret losing you is not a good reason to have lunch.

Be friendly when you're exchanging your dd for visitation purposes, be nice when you talk to him on the phone about your dd (its bound to happen that you'll need to call on the way to ER sometime - happened to me just a few days ago).
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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I say this with all gentleness (and from the perspective of having been separated for many years now): don't go. Do something for yourself if you like, but don't meet with him, especially if you feel the need to show him how well you're doing. The best thing you can do is put some distance between you. He'll realise his mistake in his own time, that's not for you to worry about. Take care of YOU.

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Old 09-22-2010, 12:35 PM
 
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You can have lunch any other day if your purpose is to foster communication, co-parenting, and working towards a new friendship. Why make this so much harder by having the lunch on your anniversary?
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
I think that it's probably too soon, too fresh, and that you do need to have more space.
I agree with sparklefairy that it's probably too soon, too fresh and that you need to have more space but a few years down the line maybe it will be a healthy idea for both of you.

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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If it's important for you to mark the day (as your separation is recent, and still very painful I imagine), go out to lunch with close friends or your mother or sister you are close with. Have a great meal, a nice big chocolate dessert (or something yummy for you if chocolate is not your thing).

Then you'll still be 'celebrating' it, but just not with your ex.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 09-22-2010, 02:07 PM
 
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I would say, for your own closure and well-being don't go!! I think that it will only open your wounded heart even more and that's never good.

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Old 09-22-2010, 02:58 PM
 
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Another vote for not a good idea. Yes, even with a good relationship an anniversary lunch is not appropriate.

I do think boundaries are important.

Lunch on another day to talk about finances or kids? Sure, go ahead. Talking about your feelings? I would process that with myself, friends and a therapist. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend I wouldn't do it. With a girlfriend, HECK NO. Totally unfair to her and a recipe for problems.

My ex and I are friendly terms now but I still wouldn't like to have lunch with him. And he doesn't deserve my emotional life.
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Old 09-22-2010, 03:15 PM
 
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Just to be clear:

I also think the idea of going to lunch with the ex isn't a good idea.
It sounds as if you want to parade in front of your ex, looking good.

Breaking up hurts. Breaking up when your partner has found someone hurts too.

I meant go out to lunch ALONE with close friends or your mother or sisters.

What I did on that anniversary day, in the beginning, in order to 'move on' with my life, is that I did something super special with my kids. I think we met up with friends, went to a park, and then had yummy ice cream. Now I even forget it was once our anniversary.

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 09-22-2010, 04:21 PM
 
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I think it's overstepping boundaries. I'd buy the new mascara and lipgloss and go out with friends and celebrate your new life.
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