Jenn<>< crunchy conservative mama to 6
and my way through my stash.
huge huge hugs
Hang in there, get yourself in a better place.
I was already separated when I found x exploring those sites. Barf. I can only imagine how hard it would be with a sick child while still married.
Please, if you do physically reconcile, use protection until he is tested.
I hope your ds finds a match soon. Peace and strength to you.
I have no income, dc and I live with my parents. It can be tricky at times, but ultimately better than living with someone who couldn't give what you needed or be honest with you.
So here's my advice: be aware--people you thought were your friends are going to abandon you. As if a cheating spouse is a communicable disease.
People you never expected to come to your side will step out of nowhere and be there for you.
People are going to give you so much advice (especially those who have never been there) it's going to make your head spin. Don't listen to 98% of it. Follow your instinct. Only YOU know what you are going through and every situation is different--even if there are similar elements.
So just be aware. Keep your eyes open.
For me--my parents were initially supportive and now (as usual) they have backed off and there is a lot of crap that goes with them. Some friends have stepped up. Some don't return calls...I just had to learn the hard way that I've made some poor chioces in the TYPE of behavior that I accept from people and what that means about me. And don't rush any decisions.
I'm so sorry. I went through this. You can read some of what I posted on a recent thread over in PaP. That was in the context of reconciliation after cheating. DH and I were able to reconcile but it was a long, tough road.
At any rate, if you've decided to split up, I know these fabulous ladies in the single mamas forum will be able to help you a lot.
Whatever you decide to do, take a look at www.survivinginfidelity.com
There are great resources and a lot of BTDT.
Hang in there. This is tough stuff.
= Pariah, Super Mom + The Amazing Wiggy (1/06) + (6/08) 52 Projects: 0/52 Decluttering Challenge: 37/2013
I know your in shock right now but you need to gather your strength and be proactive for yourself and your children. You can do this. You will be a stronger woman when you get through this!
On a practical level, you can file for child support - even though he puts his filth before family life, your stbx still needs to contribute to his children's support. You may also be entitled to maintenance (alimony) since you've been caring for the children while he (presumably) has been building his career.
It has been a challenging journey to build trust again but I will say our marriage is transformed. I still interrogate him at times when he is on his computer and i am feeling insecure and he is really open and honest with me as far as what he is doing on there and shows me. If he ever got defensive about it I would definitely tune into that and take that as a red flag. Of course my radar is now heightened to his every move and I pay close attention to if he is being congruent between what he is saying and what he is doing. Anyway, I don't know if your DH is remorseful or if he feels justified in his acts. And I don't know if this is a partnership that you want to fight for. but in the end, you both have to WANT to make changes and you both have work every day towards rebuilding....if that's what you want. If you feel like it is over, then i know you can rebuild a wonderful life for you and your family. You are worth it. Take it one day at a time. This is an opportunity for you to shine in ways you never thought you could. So don't be afraid to go into the dark, shed some light, and be shiny. You can do this.
- E . Single mom to DS E (15.12.05), T (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD A (11.02.11) and Hoppy
Oh, mama!!! I also recently found out my now ex cheated on me, but our situation is completely different so I honestly wasn't very surprised. That said, I feel your pain completely. It hurts so very much. Just know that you WILL feel better in time, even if it takes a long time to get there. Feel free to post here if you need advice or sympathy or just somewhere to vent.
"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston
My husband did this too. For years I found all kinds of sick perverted sex meet up sights on his computer. Local skanky girls. pay to play girls. group stuff. Who knows what all he did. I found out one morning he had been sleeping with another woman for 5 years. I know the affair started when I was pregnant with my dd at least a year earlier. I heard a message on his phone. I ended up going into preterm labor that morning and he left me in the hospital alone most likely to return her phone call. Thank goodness the baby stayed in for five more weeks. But it was heart breaking when I found out he was actually having sex with another woman. In the years between finding out about the woman and finding out they were actually having sex every time I turned my freaking back I just about let him drive me crazy. Its been about 9 years and they are still together. crazy. He was doing all the pervy sex stuff while being married to me and sleeping with her. gross. gross. gross.
GET YOURSELF TESTED!!! Just assume he was sleeping with them. I am shocked at what some guys are capable of. I thought my xh would never be capable of actual sex. Soooo wrong.
As for everything else....You CAN do this. you WILL be ok. Just take it one breath, one step, one day at a time.
I am so so so sorry you are going through all this. I wish you were my friend, my neighbor. I would love to be able to help you in some tangible way.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.