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Old 09-24-2010, 08:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:21 PM
 
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I'm not a single parent, but I saw this in the new posts and couldn't not offer you some s I'm so sorry, mama. What a terrible thing to be going through in such an already stressful time of your life. I don't have words of advice, just s and comfort.

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Old 09-24-2010, 08:55 PM
 
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so sorry... I couldn't read and not offer a sending you strength mama

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Old 09-24-2010, 09:12 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. You and your children are in my thoughts. Strength and health to you all. I wish I could offer something more concrete. I guess my only advice would be to make sure you spend the next little while drawing a circle of supportive people around you to help you get through the medical stuff with your little one while still managing to process through the pain and anger that you'll need to deal with. Hugs.

Gwen , partner to D ; Mamma to T (6) , J (4) , and baby P
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Please check out survivinginfidelity.com for support with this. They have a lot of good reading and resources there.
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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so so so sorry, and sorry is not enough



I have btdt, but w/o an ill child.

PM me if you want.

I agree w PP about supportive people right now.

I'll be praying for you.
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:42 PM
 
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I am so sorry I can't imagine

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Old 09-24-2010, 09:47 PM
 
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I am so very sorry. Sadly I know exactly how you feel. It was 6 months ago that I discovered evidence on my husbands computer that he was doing the same - he was signed up for all kinds of sex search sites and had chats with women, plus he had spent thousands of dollars on 'models' he met on line.

huge huge hugs
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:10 PM
 
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Sending you love and hugs. That is absolutely rotten of him. Your son needs both of you to help him. Hoping you will find the strength to pull yourself through. We all have had to do it in one way or another.

Hang in there, get yourself in a better place.

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Old 09-24-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Busy, hectic, HAPPY single mom to 3 awesome kiddos jumpers.gif DD1 (10) DS (8) DD2 (6)

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Old 09-24-2010, 10:29 PM
 
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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I am so sorry you and your children are dealing with all of this.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:53 PM
 
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:59 PM
 
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I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:30 AM
 
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I am so sorry.

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
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Old 09-25-2010, 03:55 AM
 
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More hugs.

I was already separated when I found x exploring those sites. Barf. I can only imagine how hard it would be with a sick child while still married.

Please, if you do physically reconcile, use protection until he is tested.

I hope your ds finds a match soon. Peace and strength to you.

I have no income, dc and I live with my parents. It can be tricky at times, but ultimately better than living with someone who couldn't give what you needed or be honest with you.

 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
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Old 09-25-2010, 07:57 AM
 
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You asked for advice. I am in the process of a divorce. I did not want it, I did not ask for it, I am a good mom and I was a good wife...and I still cry over the loss of the family. Some days I get angry, but most of the time I am just in shock and disbelief. I still to this day do not understand how anyone could do what my x did.

So here's my advice: be aware--people you thought were your friends are going to abandon you. As if a cheating spouse is a communicable disease.
People you never expected to come to your side will step out of nowhere and be there for you.
People are going to give you so much advice (especially those who have never been there) it's going to make your head spin. Don't listen to 98% of it. Follow your instinct. Only YOU know what you are going through and every situation is different--even if there are similar elements.
So just be aware. Keep your eyes open.

For me--my parents were initially supportive and now (as usual) they have backed off and there is a lot of crap that goes with them. Some friends have stepped up. Some don't return calls...I just had to learn the hard way that I've made some poor chioces in the TYPE of behavior that I accept from people and what that means about me. And don't rush any decisions.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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Forum crashing . .. . saw this in the New Posts and felt compelled to respond.

I'm so sorry. I went through this. You can read some of what I posted on a recent thread over in PaP. That was in the context of reconciliation after cheating. DH and I were able to reconcile but it was a long, tough road.

At any rate, if you've decided to split up, I know these fabulous ladies in the single mamas forum will be able to help you a lot.

Whatever you decide to do, take a look at www.survivinginfidelity.com

There are great resources and a lot of BTDT.

Hang in there. This is tough stuff.
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Old 09-25-2010, 10:51 AM
 
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That's horrible, I'm so sorry
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:15 AM
 
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How awful! I have found traces of those sites on our computer and they make me sick! I have given my husband plenty (probably too many!) chances and now I'm done. The chances I have given him are not solely based on those sites but from my experience, even one chance was too many for me. I am currently gathering info and paperwork in preparation to file. It sucks but you'll get through it. Surround yourself with supportive people and let the rest go.
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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My ex-H cheated on me, as well. I am so sorry, because I absolutely know the incredible hurt and anger you are probably feeling. You WILL be okay though. I'm sure it feels like you're going through hell, and especially to have this going on while dealing with health issues with a child. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I've been away from my ex-H for nearly two years and my life has improved so dramatically...allow yourself to grieve, but keep looking forward. Sending you much love and strength.

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Old 09-25-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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Hugs and empathy to you and your children! Personally I would kick him out, get an attorney and file a status quo order as well as get temporary child support in order.
I know your in shock right now but you need to gather your strength and be proactive for yourself and your children. You can do this. You will be a stronger woman when you get through this!
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Old 09-25-2010, 04:28 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through so much at once. I'm glad it sounds like your parents are there for you - and that you are not putting up with his behavior.

On a practical level, you can file for child support - even though he puts his filth before family life, your stbx still needs to contribute to his children's support. You may also be entitled to maintenance (alimony) since you've been caring for the children while he (presumably) has been building his career.
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Old 09-25-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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Oh, and make sure you have your stbx be responsible for your children's medical expenses as well (this can be part of the divorce agreement, especially if he's been providing their health insurance through his job).
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Old 09-25-2010, 05:23 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. My husband did this as well. Not as bad but he put himself out there. He claims he never hooked up but who knows. Anyway, we were able to reconcile. The only reason why we did is because I know that as a person he isn't a serial cheater. And honestly our marriage wasn't doing that great either. If I didn't have a toddler, maybe I would have done the same. (well no I wouldn't have but I certainly had needs that were not getting met as well). So on the one hand I wasn't surprised that this is where things had ended up and on the other hand I was shocked that he would actually do something like that because it seems very out of character for him. He claims he just needed someone to talk to. I know it sounds ridiculous. But if i were to look at our relationship leading up to this, I would have seen that I wasn't that available to him. I am not blaming myself but I was able to take MY responsibility for where I dropped the ball in the relationship. I am not by any means saying that you are to blame in this either just so you know. It's just my way of how I interact with my life. Whatever is happening around me, I take it inward and see how I am contributing to it, allowing it, or attracting it.. I can't imagine the stress of a sick child and what that can do to a relationship either. Do you feel like your relationship was good up to this point? People deal with stress in interesting and sometimes destructive ways. Perhaps this was your DH's way of funneling his stress (a selfish one at that).

It has been a challenging journey to build trust again but I will say our marriage is transformed. I still interrogate him at times when he is on his computer and i am feeling insecure and he is really open and honest with me as far as what he is doing on there and shows me. If he ever got defensive about it I would definitely tune into that and take that as a red flag. Of course my radar is now heightened to his every move and I pay close attention to if he is being congruent between what he is saying and what he is doing. Anyway, I don't know if your DH is remorseful or if he feels justified in his acts. And I don't know if this is a partnership that you want to fight for. but in the end, you both have to WANT to make changes and you both have work every day towards rebuilding....if that's what you want. If you feel like it is over, then i know you can rebuild a wonderful life for you and your family. You are worth it. Take it one day at a time. This is an opportunity for you to shine in ways you never thought you could. So don't be afraid to go into the dark, shed some light, and be shiny. You can do this.

HUGS
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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Oh, mama!!! I also recently found out my now ex cheated on me, but our situation is completely different so I honestly wasn't very surprised. That said, I feel your pain completely. It hurts so very much. Just know that you WILL feel better in time, even if it takes a long time to get there. Feel free to post here if you need advice or sympathy or just somewhere to vent.

- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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Old 09-26-2010, 03:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by smeep View Post
Oh, mama!!! I also recently found out my now ex cheated on me, but our situation is completely different so I honestly wasn't very surprised. That said, I feel your pain completely. It hurts so very much. Just know that you WILL feel better in time, even if it takes a long time to get there. Feel free to post here if you need advice or sympathy or just somewhere to vent.
This. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you will be okay. Stay strong!

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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Old 09-27-2010, 12:17 AM
 
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My husband did this too. For years I found all kinds of sick perverted sex meet up sights on his computer. Local skanky girls. pay to play girls. group stuff. Who knows what all he did. I found out one morning he had been sleeping with another woman for 5 years. I know the affair started when I was pregnant with my dd at least a year earlier. I heard a message on his phone. I ended up going into preterm labor that morning and he left me in the hospital alone most likely to return her phone call. Thank goodness the baby stayed in for five more weeks. But it was heart breaking when I found out he was actually having sex with another woman. In the years between finding out about the woman and finding out they were actually having sex every time I turned my freaking back I just about let him drive me crazy. Its been about 9 years and they are still together. crazy. He was doing all the pervy sex stuff while being married to me and sleeping with her. gross. gross. gross.

GET YOURSELF TESTED!!! Just assume he was sleeping with them. I am shocked at what some guys are capable of. I thought my xh would never be capable of actual sex. Soooo wrong.

As for everything else....You CAN do this. you WILL be ok. Just take it one breath, one step, one day at a time.

I am so so so sorry you are going through all this. I wish you were my friend, my neighbor. I would love to be able to help you in some tangible way.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 09-27-2010, 12:27 AM
 
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Saw this in new posts:

s

Sending you strength, mama.

Mama to three  
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:03 AM
 
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in my state, you can file for temporary exclusive use of the home, and temporary child support and maintenance. do it now! keeping things as normal as possible is in the best interests of children, but especially an ill child. too much stress raises the cortisol level and interferes with healing. no judge would give him use of the home under these circumstances. ask that he pay the mortgage and all the bills as support and maintenance- got that much, easily, in mediation, and my dh makes very little money. if he makes good money you can ask for cash on top of that for food. i don't think you really need to move in with your parents. document all his nasty behavior. have a lawyer draw up the papers. tell your h you are kicking him out, give him a week or whatever to get out, and visit your parents for that week. remind him that he will set a very, very bad precedent in front of the judge (who is basically going to decide his whole future) if he doesn't comply with your requests. refusing to get out and making life harder for a kid that sick does not sit well with many judges. and if by the luck of the draw you get an anti-porn, pro-mother judge, well then his refusal would be your golden egg. the temporary order buys you time to plan, but it could probably be extended due to the circumstances (ill child).
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