Trick or Treat? That is the question.... OCTOBER Dating Thread! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-27-2010, 12:30 PM
 
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Personally, I think--but it's just my opinion--that this whole "love language" thing is overblown.

Sure, as a concept, it's a very rapid, simplified way to describe a situation and get a handle on the underlying dynamic of how people express and respond to expressions of love.

But it is not, IMO, the whole picture. And one of the things the theory fails to address is that humans are by nature "language animals". We learn language instinctively as babies. Language defines us. We think with language. We function with language. We understand our world with language.

But none of that prevents us from learning new languages. We can all learn more than one language. All of us. At any point. Sure, the older we get, the harder it is for physiological reasons among other things. And sometimes it might be one of the hardest thing we do. And sometimes, we need certain conditions to do so. But we can still do it.

Personally, for me, overcoming my own insecurity would be harder than learning to "hear" a new "love language". That said, I admit that one of the conditions for learning the new LL would be to first/previously overcome my own insecurities.

Butterflymom, perhaps if you really try to think of it as a "language" in which actions = words, it might help. Every time his actions prove his interest, think to yourself "he just 'said' XYZ."

All that said, he's either right for you or not. And if it's "not", it doesn't matter how close-but-no-cigare he is to being "right".

At the same time, verbal, expansive, flowery-words guys who also carry ice scrapers and use them are probably as rare as unicorns.
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Old 10-27-2010, 07:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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....so right. Having all that IS like being a unicorn, in guy-land....

Two nights ago, I missed my train to go visit a girlfriend's home and suddenly just felt overly weary & emotionally vulnerable based on having very little sleep the night before (horrible anxiety attack/nightmare experience during the night). I got the strongest urge to forgoe my plans and spend the evening cuddled in Cucumber's arms, release the stress, and sleep near him that night. So I called him up. He had just gotten home, had worked 10-11 hrs, had had to skip lunch at work, and had just sat down to a meal. I explained where I was at, and he asked if I'd like him to pick me up from where I was immediately. I said yes, and he promptly left his food and got in his car to come pick me up and spent the rest of the evening & night being sweet & cuddly. Even though we had spend the previous evening together, and the one before that, and had plans to meet 48hrs later. Seeing his uneaten dinner sitting there when we arrived at his place was certainly a touching moment. And this is quite typical, everyday behavior. he's constantly 'at the ready' to notice (& then seize) opportunities to support or help me in whatever way comes up. And when I try to thank him for any of it he's genuinely baffled at what exactly I'm thanking him for, because he can't fathom any other way to operate. If I apologize for being demanding or high maintenance, he refuses to agree that I am those things, and light heartedly laughs it off and honestly thinks nothing of it no matter how much of a prima donna or pouty dork I slip and allow myself to behave like, for a moment.

This guy's ice scraper is a platinum turbo-powered model.

I'd be pretty blind not to interpret actions such as that as romantic expressions. I get that. I just want the occasional "Wow, you look amazing" if I took pains to get dressed up, or "I've missed you these last couple days" when we meet, or a "I feel lucky/happy to be here with you" when other men attempt to get my attention, or stare, in public.
If I try on a cocktail dress in a store alone, for example, I've had perfect strangers stop in their tracks and doubletake with a "Wow!" exclamation, but all I think of is, "I only wish I had that effect on Cucumber." because he has that effect on me. I feel like the wind is knocked out of me somedays when I see him for the first time for a day or two....he's so hot and this is new and quite the rush on my end and....I'm just hopeful that this all isn't one sided.

The other extension of my concerns is that I'm worried that he's not one to ever plan surprises or grand gestures and OH BOY is that my thing. He can't even remember how he proposed to his ex-fiancé (10 yrs ago), to give an example of how earth shattering that production must have been. He's laidback about everything but also, I fear, about milestones and other causes to celebrate in life. I like to make as much fuss as possible, the more elaborate the secret preparations necessary, the more ingeniously thoughtful the idea, to pull off a surprise gesture or gift, the better. It's one of my ultimate ways of saying "I love you." I know I'll be missing something in this life if I'm not with a man who can appreciate that and celebrate life and love in this way.

I want to solve all this, given such promising ingredients present, with open communication and a fair negotation of ways to compromise and meet in the middle on these issues. But my attempts have failed several times.

I love him. More importantly I admire him as a person and feel honored to have him grace my life and take interest in my kids. I think he'll make an amazing, warm, patient, loyal dependable family man.

So many thoughts swirling. I do so appreciate all the feedback from you guys!!!!
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Old 10-27-2010, 10:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

I want to solve all this, given such promising ingredients present, with open communication and a fair negotation of ways to compromise and meet in the middle on these issues. But my attempts have failed several times.

You can't solve what he doesn't see as a problem. Ask me how I know. I don't mean to be flip and I mostly lurk in this forum/thread, but it may just be his makeup not to 'get' what that's about, no matter how simple or pleasing those things would be to you. He is showing who he is with the sum of his actions (many of which sound extremely warm and kind--though others are clearly falling short) and you're not believing him.

mom of  dust.gif, ROTFLMAO.gif, and jog.gif
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Old 10-28-2010, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Not sure about that. I believe it rationally, but it doesn't penetrate my heart like adding in a verbal component would... This isn't a dealbreaker, I hope...
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Old 10-28-2010, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry for hijacking this thread, guys.... :
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Old 10-28-2010, 10:30 PM
 
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Butterfly,

You're NOT hijacking! It's hard to hijack a thread like this....it's more like a community thread - not someone talking about her situation.

Can't wait to see what witty title we will have for the November dating thread....

Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

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Old 10-29-2010, 02:38 AM
 
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I have a paper due by midnight tonight (PST) but once I get it in I will be posting on here!!!!

"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 10-29-2010, 04:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've got all weekend to come up with one!
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Old 10-30-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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I've got all weekend to come up with one!
My vote is for "Something NEW in New-vember".

I'm at ATG's house right now...he was at mine last night, and most of the week, hanging out, babysitting for me (he offered, totally unsolicited, when school was canceled on a day that I had a meeting for work and he was free...).

It's still confusing, but I'm....I'm in. So I'm working on enjoying the ride.

I had made plans with Shy Commuter for tonight, as a sort of back-up protective move, but I canceled them after last night. I just didn't want to go out with SC, and the thought of 2 very different political discussions right in a row just made me feel skeezy.

So that's where I am, literally and figuratively....
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Old 10-31-2010, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sugar, I just drunk dialed you & left a message!
I'm
sorry!!!!


I wish I had the ability to feel skeevy but that reflex is shut off in me. :
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