don't know who the father is - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-03-2010, 03:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
She was prostituting herself. It just doesn't seem like she is in a very good place right now. Esepcially if she is concerned about getting child support from a guy who was paying her for sex - there was no indication that he was wanting to co-parent with her either. Good luck, OP. I'm sorry you are in such a bind.
It really isn't your place to make that judgment for her. It's really easy to come to that conclusion when you look at things from the outside. From within someone's life, the process is never that clean and simple. A lot of people accept that sex is a sale-able commodity. That should not be the basis for determining whether or not someone should parent their child.

OP, I think you should agree to the paternity test with your ex and go from there. Whether or not you want to involve the other man if the test results indicate that your romantic partner was not the baby's father is a bridge you don't have to cross today.

Yes, the path you took in your life that brought you to this point was bumpy, but it does not have to stay that way. You do have the ability to forge a different life for yourself and this child if that is what you choose to do. You can also consider whether you do want to parent this child, but it sounds like you have already made that decision.

Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.
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Old 10-03-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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I thought just about all caucasian babies were born with blue eyes, and they change to their permanent color a couple months later? DS was born with jet black hair and blue eyes and within a few months he had brown eyes and blond hair.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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Old 10-03-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
She was prostituting herself. It just doesn't seem like she is in a very good place right now. Esepcially if she is concerned about getting child support from a guy who was paying her for sex - there was no indication that he was wanting to co-parent with her either. Good luck, OP. I'm sorry you are in such a bind.
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Originally Posted by Minxie View Post
Also don't forget that you do have other options such as abortion or adoption. They might not work for personal reasons but they do exist and you are NOT obligated to keeping the baby.
The OP was not asking for advice about whether to keep her baby or not. What is the purpose of these posts other than judge? Yes, she has had a tough time and is dealing with the consequences. If poor financial positions and bad relationship decisions were to be the deciding factors of whether a woman could be a good mom and should keep her baby then a whole lot of great MDC mamas should have followed your advice. The OP asked for specific advice, not a trial and judgment on whether she should parent her unborn child.

OP, at this point, the best you can do is wait it out and see what #2's paternity test says. If it is negative, though, you will have to use your own judgment whether #1 should be told the truth. In most cicumstances, i would say that a man has a right to know they have offspring out there, but I understand your circumstances may trump that. You should do whatever you think is in the best interests of your child.

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Old 10-03-2010, 11:44 AM
 
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If things are so tough financially then maybe adoption really is the best route. Baby will have a better life and you can know that you did best by the child.

I've BTDT, and while it was HARD to comes to terms with afterward, it really was the easiest decision I ever made. I know my child has a good life with parents who desperately wanted a child - and for YEARS couldn't get pregnant. My decision made many lives happier. Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should be a parent.
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Old 10-03-2010, 11:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by confustication View Post
It really isn't your place to make that judgment for her. It's really easy to come to that conclusion when you look at things from the outside. From within someone's life, the process is never that clean and simple. A lot of people accept that sex is a sale-able commodity. That should not be the basis for determining whether or not someone should parent their child.

OP, I think you should agree to the paternity test with your ex and go from there. Whether or not you want to involve the other man if the test results indicate that your romantic partner was not the baby's father is a bridge you don't have to cross today.

Yes, the path you took in your life that brought you to this point was bumpy, but it does not have to stay that way. You do have the ability to forge a different life for yourself and this child if that is what you choose to do. You can also consider whether you do want to parent this child, but it sounds like you have already made that decision.

Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.
Yeah this.

I think most people would be surprised at what they would do for money if desperate enough.
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Old 10-03-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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People will often suggest adoption when they view your living situation is less than ideal. Whatever. If a mother wants her baby unless there is some real serious issue going on (drug abuse or something like that) I don't think anyone should ever make unsolicited advice about how it might be "unselfish" to give up her child. It's rude and cold. EVERYONE (at least people who are living in mainstream America and who are well educated enough to come on MDC) who is faced with an unexpected pregnancy is quite aware that yes, abortion is an option, adoption is an option. No one has to be REMINDED of those options. Maybe a young teen or someone from a very sheltered background who might genuinely not know that these things exist. Come on.

I've had adoption thrown at me when I stated I was worried about how to raise a third child that I found out I was pregnant with after my abusive husband and I split up. People take one snippet of a problem brought on here as a call to "helpfully" remind someone of the options of abortion or adoption. Just makes me angry.

If a mother wants to keep her baby she should be supported in that decision, regardless of what challenges she faces. If she CHOOSES adoption for the good of the baby, that's very noble and such, but it's not a choice between selfish and unselfish. Choosing to keep your baby is not SELFISH.
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Old 10-03-2010, 12:35 PM
 
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just wanted to put my 2 cents in- I have 3 children and no possibility of another father. I have 1 blond hair light blue eyes fair skinned child (that match both my husband and I, except I have brown hair), #2 pretty dark skin, dark hair, dark brown eyes and #3 has pretty dark skin, medium dark hair, and her eyes are light brown. On the genetic eye calculators it says my husband shouldn't be the father but he is. If the kids had been taken from the room when they were born we would have thought there was a mix up but they didn't go anywhere w/o one of us present!

I think just being honest with #1 is a good plan- I'm sure he won't want the authorities involved. I'm sure he remembers the instance; the sooner the truth comes out the better in the end.

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Old 10-03-2010, 12:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by confustication View Post
Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.

This. Plus all that taking the guy to court for paternity would entail - the nature of your relationship coming out, him using the fact that it was a business transaction to call into question whether it could be him, everyone you know finding out that you were engaging in prostitution. Everyone who will be important in the kids life finding out that you were a prostitute and s/he is the result of a transaction. Do you really want to go there?

savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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Old 10-03-2010, 12:45 PM
 
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This isn't actually entirely true. Genetics when it comes to eye color is a lot more complicated that a recessive blue vs a dominant brown. It is entirely possible for two blue eyed parents to produce brown eyed off spring, though it isn't common. It happened in my family - my mom and her first husband both have blue eyes, but my brother has brown eyes. There's not a doubt about his paternity.
I know of two situations with two blue eyed parents with brown eyed child. No doubts about paternity in either case.

Twin boys (2/05) and little sister (10/07)
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Old 10-03-2010, 12:57 PM
 
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Definitely go get the test (for guy #2... if it's not guy #2, I wouldn't bother with guy #1). My kids all have the same dad - the first two look VERY much alike (and have a definite resemblance to Dh), the third looks NOTHING like Dh (but looks exactly like my father, and I'm pretty sure my father is NOT the dad, and neither is anyone else considering I've never been with anyone but dh ). Dh and I both have brown hair and all the kids have light blond hair (which is pretty normal, afaik - dh and I both had blond hair as kids and so did my parents who BOTH both DAAAAARK brown hair). Anyway, genetics is complex enough that if you're not talking about a pretty distinct change (like a chance of the baby being african american or asian or something and you're white), it's pretty hard to tell whose baby it is just by looking.

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Old 10-03-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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If things are so tough financially then maybe adoption really is the best route. Baby will have a better life and you can know that you did best by the child.

you can't make that statement as an absolute.

I've BTDT, and while it was HARD to comes to terms with afterward, it really was the easiest decision I ever made. I know my child has a good life with parents who desperately wanted a child - and for YEARS couldn't get pregnant. My decision made many lives happier. Just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should be a parent.
and just because your living situation isn't ideal doesn't mean you can't be an excellent mother.

i had people offer to adopt my baby when i first got pregnant. two of them in fact, and now i have people all the time telling me that i'm an awesome mom.

eh. who needs a signature?
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Old 10-03-2010, 11:11 PM
 
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and just because your living situation isn't ideal doesn't mean you can't be an excellent mother.

i had people offer to adopt my baby when i first got pregnant. two of them in fact, and now i have people all the time telling me that i'm an awesome mom.

Just because you can be an excellent mother doesn't mean it's best for baby. I am all for support in forums like this - however I support the best situation for the baby. Not blowing sunshine when mom needs a reality check.

Obviously, if mom were in a better situation she wouldn't be prostituting herself to make ends meet. What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
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Old 10-03-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
Oh my goodness. Don't you know how that sounds?

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Old 10-03-2010, 11:48 PM
 
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Just because you can be an excellent mother doesn't mean it's best for baby. I am all for support in forums like this - however I support the best situation for the baby. Not blowing sunshine when mom needs a reality check.

Obviously, if mom were in a better situation she wouldn't be prostituting herself to make ends meet. What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
Considering her OP uses the past tense for financial instability, I really don't think it is fair for you to extrapolate on things you do not know. Considering she wasn't on the streets but was instead in what can be considered a relationship, it is hardly your place to determine just how much or little money she had then or has now. How is getting money for sex any different than being showered with gifts and fancy dinners? The deal she set up with ONE man is none of your business to be making assumptions on about anything else in her life NOW.

Moreover, this 'OBVIOUSLY' business over why someone might make money for sex is very narrow minded. Believe it or not, some people ENJOY having sex and making money off it. Not everyone has to be in dire circumstances to consider sleeping with people for some quick cash. People LIKE sex and people LIKE having money. Whether this is the OP or not is irrelevant. It isn't your place to assume you know the whys for ALL prostitutes because quite frankly, I can't imagine you know a very high percentage of them in even just one country.

OP, do what your instincts are telling you is best for your child. Only you know your abilities at raising a child and only you can gauge whether or not it is appropriate to let #1 know about the child should it turn out being his. You'll know best how to keep YOU and YOUR child safe and happy and healthy.
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Old 10-03-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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Let's just leave it at that we all know PRECIOUS LITTLE about the people posting on here. Especially if we're only gathering information from one or two threads and scanty little details.

You don't know what the circumstances were behind the monetary exchange.

And yeah, you've never known people who were in bad financial shape at one point and then proceeded to get a good job and then become financially stable? That's NEVER happened before?? Not saying that's what definitely will happen but my freaking goodness, sometimes getting pregnant ENCOURAGES women to "get their stuff together for the baby's sake". Ya know?!

If someone you know smoked some weed (out of character for them) and forgot to use a condom, and got pregnant, and came to you for advice - would you tell them they should give their child up for adoption because "once baby comes along, they might get totally stoned and hook up with their drug dealer and forget the baby even exists" - has that ever happened, probably, will it necessarily happen that way to this particular person, heck NO.

Come on.
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Old 10-04-2010, 12:42 AM
 
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Just because you can be an excellent mother doesn't mean it's best for baby. I am all for support in forums like this - however I support the best situation for the baby. Not blowing sunshine when mom needs a reality check.

Obviously, if mom were in a better situation she wouldn't be prostituting herself to make ends meet. What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
For one thing, not everyone has the same moral issues with prostitution that you seem to. IMNSHO, there's not a huge line between prostitution and a one night stand with a guy who took you to a fancy dinner- and there are plenty of great moms (some probably posting right here on MDC) that conceived their children that way. There's nothing about prostitution that inherently makes someone a bad mom. And, honestly? If the OP were to decide that the best way to earn some money after she had the baby was to have sex, that's her choice and it doesn't have anything to do with what kind of parent she will be.
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Old 10-04-2010, 12:56 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not offer hugs to you! I hope you can ignore those who aren't offering advice on the subject you were posting about. Some people need to learn to use the delete key (I'm one of them a lot of the time!)
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Old 10-04-2010, 01:02 AM
 
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The OP was not asking for advice about whether to keep her baby or not. What is the purpose of these posts other than judge? Yes, she has had a tough time and is dealing with the consequences. If poor financial positions and bad relationship decisions were to be the deciding factors of whether a woman could be a good mom and should keep her baby then a whole lot of great MDC mamas should have followed your advice. The OP asked for specific advice, not a trial and judgment on whether she should parent her unborn child.
I can't speak for the other poster but my point was that she DOES have other options. Sometimes when you are involved in a situation, it is hard to make the choice correct for you due to external pressures. Having been in such a spot, I wanted to remind the OP that if she doesn't WANT to go through with the pregnancy and rearing a child, she is NOT obligated to do so. I am not judging the OP and couldn't care less how she is supporting herself.

Kindly note that I also mentioned in my post that "They might not work for personal reasons but they do exist and you are NOT obligated to keeping the baby." Just as I feel women have the right to decide they want to abort or give up their child for adoption, so do I feel that have the right NOT to do so. It is her body and she should feel free to make the decision that is right for her, regardless of external pressures.
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Old 10-04-2010, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Also, fwiw, my daughter's bio-dad was the product of his mom's experience with a 'john' and his knowing that throughout his childhood was incredibly detrimental. *If* that is the situation, I urge you to tread carefully with how much information you share.
thank you. that was very helpful to hear and its really something to think about. i really really hope this is #2s baby but if its not i may just leave it at that.


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I think most people would be surprised at what they would do for money if desperate enough.
i didnt think id ever do something like prostitution until it came down to having a roof over my head or being on the streets. and yes i was calling charities and stuff all the time but i was getting nowhere and i was desperate.


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Considering her OP uses the past tense for financial instability, I really don't think it is fair for you to extrapolate on things you do not know. Considering she wasn't on the streets but was instead in what can be considered a relationship, it is hardly your place to determine just how much or little money she had then or has now. How is getting money for sex any different than being showered with gifts and fancy dinners? The deal she set up with ONE man is none of your business to be making assumptions on about anything else in her life NOW.

Moreover, this 'OBVIOUSLY' business over why someone might make money for sex is very narrow minded. Believe it or not, some people ENJOY having sex and making money off it. Not everyone has to be in dire circumstances to consider sleeping with people for some quick cash. People LIKE sex and people LIKE having money. Whether this is the OP or not is irrelevant. It isn't your place to assume you know the whys for ALL prostitutes because quite frankly, I can't imagine you know a very high percentage of them in even just one country.
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For one thing, not everyone has the same moral issues with prostitution that you seem to. IMNSHO, there's not a huge line between prostitution and a one night stand with a guy who took you to a fancy dinner- and there are plenty of great moms (some probably posting right here on MDC) that conceived their children that way. There's nothing about prostitution that inherently makes someone a bad mom. And, honestly? If the OP were to decide that the best way to earn some money after she had the baby was to have sex, that's her choice and it doesn't have anything to do with what kind of parent she will be.
this is all very true. it wasnt a situation of a hooker on the corner high on crack needing money to score more. its really not all that black and white. but most people refuse to consider that theres any gray area with it.


for the record. i am now financially stable and it was a very rough patch that i hit that made me go to those lengths. its not something im proud of or something i ever want to do again. it may have been quick money but its not the way i want to make a living and i felt that way even before i found out i was pregnant.

as far as the abortion and adoption suggestions are concerned i have already thought about it and decided not to. im halfway through my pregnancy already and the babys started kicking and i cant imagine not keeping him or her.

thanks for all your support everyone. im leaning towards not telling #1 if it turns out that #2 isnt the dad but i dont know for sure. if i do tell #1 to see how he reacts ill use a pay phone or a prepaid phone or something to call him i guess and change my cell number so i dont have to worry about him tracking me down. i dont know.
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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Sending you hugs OP.
My 2 pennies- pat. test on guy #2 and if its not his, theres your answer.
The trouble with naming the father and asking for child support is that the guy then has rights to your child. Might not be a good thing,YK?
Id be going to WIC and food stamps office, sticking around this board and preparing to be a super great first time mama =)
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mpsmom View Post
Just because you can be an excellent mother doesn't mean it's best for baby. I am all for support in forums like this - however I support the best situation for the baby. Not blowing sunshine when mom needs a reality check.

Obviously, if mom were in a better situation she wouldn't be prostituting herself to make ends meet. What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
That is quite possibly one of the most insensitive posts I have read here in a long time . I think that since she is asking the question that she is, she is either A. long past such considerations (abortion/adoption) or B. still considering but not feeling comfortable discussing it (understandably)...

OP It sounds like you have formulated a plan or at least have a good idea where you are going to go with it... Lots of thoughts of peace your way as you process this.

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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Old 10-04-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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1) I was once pregnant and was unsure of who the father was,but I choose to not have the child.

2) I have a young son who was born under an extreme controversial situation.

I trust that I will be able to explain to my child in a non-harmful way how he was concieved. The father is in our lives,but we are gonna have some serious explaining to do.

Feel free to message me OP if you want to chat.

~ Loka Samasta Sukino Bhavantu ~
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Old 10-04-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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op- i have been in that situation once a long time ago. before my oldest was conceived. s it is def tough sit to be in.

also, i am glad you want to keep the baby. please stick around MDC. we have great info on how to have the best birth for you and baby, great breastfeeding info and support, and a holiday helpers thread too. please explore all the areas here.

about fathers: i recc'ed you to tell them you didnt know the father. if i hadnt been married to DS father i prob would have done that then. however, the other side of the coin. my DH doesnt know who his father is. he was raised by his mom and step dad. mom had a one night stand and didnt even know dudes name. that has messed with my DH most of his life. he still looks at every mans face to see if they look alike to see if he can find his father. it is a hard decision to make. i wish you the best in whatever decision you do make.

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Old 10-04-2010, 07:20 PM
 
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hey, i have quite a few friends who were sex workers of various sorts, and who are great moms! and better an unknown father than a complete waste of paternity, like quite a few dads i also know.
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Old 10-06-2010, 03:31 PM
 
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A lot of people accept that sex is a sale-able commodity. That should not be the basis for determining whether or not someone should parent their child.
THIS.

Get the paternity test and then move on to the next step. You cannot ask for CS if you're not willing to co parent this child with man #1. It's not fair to make the decision that you don't want him to parent this child (if he is the father) because of y'alls deal. I'm not trying to pass judgement but remember this was the agreement between the two of you. You were just as willing as he was. I hope everything works out for you and he is not the father, for the sake of your child.

Wife to Jesse - Mommy to Corigan 4/09 & Hayden 7/10
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Old 10-06-2010, 09:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mpsmom View Post
Just because you can be an excellent mother doesn't mean it's best for baby. I am all for support in forums like this - however I support the best situation for the baby. Not blowing sunshine when mom needs a reality check.

Obviously, if mom were in a better situation she wouldn't be prostituting herself to make ends meet. What if, after baby arrives, she can't make the rent? What then? Will she invite guy #1 over in order to pay her electric bill? How would that make her a good mom?
I know others have already addressed this but I just want to join in and express my disgust for this attitude. OP, please ignore that kind of comments and know that prostitution is in no way some kind of lifelong stain on your reputation and character.

As for your situation, you should call #2 and let him know there is a small possibility that the child may not be his. The sooner he knows about that possibility, the less angry he might be when the child is there and the less likely he might want to get some kind of revenge like trying to get custody or whatnot. You should only consider informing #1 after a paternity test shows #2 is not the father.

You should also look into what your blood type and #2's blood type are just in case the baby has a type that is not possible with those parameters.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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Old 10-07-2010, 04:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by candycat View Post
...If a mother wants to keep her baby she should be supported in that decision, regardless of what challenges she faces.....
Amen.

Visit www.evolutiontosimplicity.blogspot.com to follow my epic saga of single mummahood....

 

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