how long before you dated? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 12:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I am newly separated and after spending my entire adult life with my x, I am finding renewal in socializing as other 20somethings are doing. dating seems so awkaward and superfical after loving someone for sooo long, to be honest, I still love him. Other single parenting friends have suggested that I engage in casual sexual encounters with others...to help severe the connection further...i'm wondering how long did others wait before dating?

and when did you mention "oh and by the way, I have kids..."

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#2 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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The divorce has only been final for a month, but we have been separated for over a year and a half. I have not dated, or had "casual sexual encounters" nor would I recommend them. I feel like I need the time to stand on my own feet and get comfortable with myself again. Getting involved in a dating or sexual relationship would hamper that, even though I really miss sex sometimes. I am blossoming with creative energy right now and am getting so much accomplished because I am focusing the energy on myself and not someone else. Self imposed celibacy has its perks, as long as you use it as healing process and not a "woe is me I'm not getting any love" type of thing. Learn to love yourself wholly and radically and then you will be more open to finding someone who truly loves you. I am just fine if I have to spend the rest of my life alone. I would like companionship, but it isn't necessary. I am just now getting to the point that I would be open to dating if someone that interested me asks. I'm not actively looking, though.

One Mom, Three Kids. Life is Great.

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#3 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 11:27 AM
 
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I was done long before my ex and I split. I also wasn't looking for anyone new. But, in the friend who helped me through everything, I found someone that I connected with on a whole nother level. If you are going to find someone, it will happen regardless. I truly believe that. But don't rush out to find something or someone new right away. Love yourself for a while first. I spent the last 6 months of my relationship with my ex doing that. Lol it worked out well for me.

Jen - Mommy to 2 little heathens: Lexi (5 years old) and JJ (16 Months Old)
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#4 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Gremco View Post
I have not dated, or had "casual sexual encounters" nor would I recommend them. I feel like I need the time to stand on my own feet and get comfortable with myself again. Getting involved in a dating or sexual relationship would hamper that
I totally agree. After I left my ex I totally focused on my ds and myself. I wanted nothing to do with any other adult male in that context. I did, however, get a BOB A couple years later a friend of mine pestered me for quite awhile about this guy she knew and she wanted to give me his number. I finally agreed, though it took me awhile to call him We talked on the phone and online for over a year before we met in person. I was very clear with him that I was a mom and my ds came first. Always. I'm honestly surprised I didn't scare him off because when we first started talking was during a period where my son was having a really (really) rough time. DP would call me and all he would hear in the background was screams and crashes and a "uhhhh.... gotta go!" DS was diagnosed with autism during the time that dp and I were still just talking. We actually met in person over a year after we started talking. When we met we hit it off right away and we both knew we were right for each other. We've now known each for about 5 years (living together for 3, engaged for 1 1/2, getting married in less than 3 months).

I have no doubt that if we hadn't gotten to know each other for over a year before we started dating, things would have been way different. I was in such a different place a year before we actually met in person. I had different priorities. He was in a different place and had different priorities.

But the stars lined up right and here we are

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#5 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 12:53 PM
 
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My stbx moved out last December, but our marriage wasn't actually *done* until June. I haven't been on a date at all. Sometimes I think I would like to, but then other times I think I need more time to focus on me and recovering from everything. Plus my son is still pretty young (20 months) so I don't really do any social adult things (I would like to do more adult things though). I am also nervous about dating. My stbx was my first real boyfriend and we started dating in high school. And I really loved him, maybe I still do a little, it seems strange to even think about loving someone else like that. It all just seems intimidating.

Mama to my charming little boy, born at home January '09
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#6 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally feel like I can spend a good amount of time just coming back to myslef...loving myself and trying to feel beautiful once again. My couple of friends who urge me to have casual encounters, I think just hope that I will not go back to my x (its been abusive) so I can see they' re rationale.. but I just need my love right now.its definitely intimidating to think of another man in my life right now and all the vulnerbilities that relationships bring..I think I will lay low for a Bit longer and try to cultivate/enjoyment my own juicyness..

Thanks for all the answers, you mamas give me so much hope)

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#7 of 9 Old 10-04-2010, 02:46 PM
 
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i've been separated for three months. i have no intention of dating or hooking up any time soon, but i'm feeling reeeeeeeeeeeeally boy crazy right now! like, a friend gave me a hug on saturday night, and his 5:00 shadow (er, midnight shadow?) brushed against my cheek, and i thought i was going to die. (sigh)

but i think it's a really bad idea. heal first, date later. eta: especially since your last relationship was abusive. taking time to work on yourself will help you avoid falling into another bad relationship.
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#8 of 9 Old 10-05-2010, 10:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gremco View Post
I have not dated, or had "casual sexual encounters" nor would I recommend them.


I'm almost a year out from my break-up (Thanksgiving weekend last year), and I haven't dated, or had any casual sex. I would recommend working on YOU and being YOU for a while. Be you, be a mom, work on being happy on your own. Then when you DO date, you'll be able to give of yourself in a way that you can't right now. I personally don't like casual encounters (especially in this type of situation) b/c the sex is never good, and it leaves both parties feeling crappy - which is the LAST thing you need right now!
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#9 of 9 Old 10-07-2010, 01:41 PM
 
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6 months after I separated I went OUT for the first time! My son was 8 months old around that time... I went out DANCING!!! Since I married my ex at 19 and was now 24, I had no idea that I was this young blossoming woman who would get a ton of attention... I revelled in the attention but didn't do anything stupid. I finally agreed to let one of the guys I'd met while out take me to dinner... I was sooo nervous but I am so glad I went on a date before a year, mostly so that it wouldn't be awkward... we did kiss but nothing more, it was just nice to get a taste of what something new feels like...

The important thing to note is I put myself and my son before dating. During the separation I took all my prereqs to get my masters in midwifery and as a nurse practitioner, took the gre, got both my doula certifications-- I was super motivated and going on a dinner date was just icing on the cake! I have dated a couple people casually since then but now that I am officially divorced and it has been over a year since my separation I have finally settled into a very new and wonderful relationship. I actually have a "boyfriend" again! At first I wasn't sure if I was truly ready for that label but I sure as heck wasn't going to let this one go... we met through our mutual best friend and we are incredibly compatible.

For everyone the timing of dating is going to be different. More important than WHEN you date is making sure your goals and your child are totally on track....then and only then, does a man get the privilege of your company. My boyfriend now is just adding more joy to our lives and is so supportive and lovely
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