My child's father reported me to DHS - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-12-2010, 07:24 PM
 
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Oh boy, OP, I really and truly hope you get the help you need. I fear that siging over custody may be out of your hands at this point, if I am correctly reading your description of how you transferred physical custody of your kids to their fathers. Best wishes to you and your kiddos.

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Old 10-12-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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Can't CPS still come even if the kids aren't currently under your care? Not to stress you out more, but I'd be afraid they could do so, and then you could lose custody of them and not get a chance to get them back (or, it would be that much harder).

Please call someone for help. Help to clean out your home, and then someone to see you professionally.

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Old 10-12-2010, 07:39 PM
 
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Hugs to you, tnmom66. Get yourself some help. Are you taking a mood stabilizer or an anti-depressant? You sound like you're in a lot of pain.

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Old 10-12-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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OP, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. ((HUGS)) My xh did the same thing to me. He got ticked off that I had filed contempt of court on him for not paying child support and not abiding by some other parts of our divorce agreement. We had a few days warning because the agent couldn't find our house and we got to make an appt. She didn't even inspect our house even though we had done as much cleaning as we could possibly do before she got there. She just wanted to talk to the kids and did a follow up interview with the counselors at school. We told her we believed that my xh was the one that called and it was in retaliation of the contempt of court filing. She rolled her eyes and was disgusted with my xh for wasting her time she said. She told us at the in home meeting that the case would be closed and not to worry, thankfully. I would just caution anyone else reading this that sending the kids away and trying to cancel the home visit is not necessarily the best route to take. In most cases, DHR wants to help and not take the kids away. The OP probably would have been given a deadline to get things in order and would have been allowed to keep the children if at all possible. DHR might have helped in this situation. My husband's ex wife beat their son with a 2 x 4 on his bottom and DHR didn't take the child away. They got the xw counseling, a mother's helper for a short time to clean up the house and free daycare for the child since she wasn't in a good place mentally to be caring for their son. I know we all hear horror stories but DHR isn't always like that. They do some good things and taking the children is the last resort in most cases.
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Old 10-13-2010, 12:52 AM
 
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I am in the same position you are JenP I cant remember a time when every dish was clean or every piece of laundry was put away. I only have 2 bedroom so only dd has her own room. Ds still sleeps in ours but in his own bed. I have 4 buckets of clean laundry sitting in my living room right now that need to be put away but it will probably be a day or 3 before it gets done because I have to do a lot of running over the next few days paying bills and taking care of grocery shopping and getting my SUV fixed where my tire blew out and messed the fender up etc. There is always something going on around here that takes up time from doing housework. Then when the kids get home I want to spend time with them because we dont have that much time after school.

Since I am the only person in this house out of 4 people who does any house work I cannot keep up. I have tried my hardest and worked myself into a state of panic so many times trying that I have decided my mental health is at stake if I dont let some of that tension go. I have tried all the neat tricks 15 minutes of working on one area. Works great until an hour later when it is messed up again

It scares the crap outta me knowing that if a Dr. took issue with me not vaxing or if someone called in a complaint I would loose my kids. That is the main reason that [B]I dont have people in my house other than the il's and my parents. I cant risk loosing my kids just to socialize.
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Originally Posted by Doubledutch


it would only take an hour to put those clothes away. i don't understand how you can be too busy because of bills, groceries and getting your car worked on. everyone has to do stuff like that on a very regular basis. and are your kids both in school? so you have . . . the whole day? or even just a few hours kid-free if your younger one is in half-day kindergarten. i'm not scolding you, but i just really don't understand how you can not accomplish basic housework. are you also working outside the home?

i do understand valuing the time you have with your kids in the evening and wanting to spend that time with them. however, when you are the only person who does housework, that's a problem. quality time does come in the form of working together as much as playing. i don't feel guilty about cleaning during the time i get with my kids (woh ft) because we're doing it together! and it doesn't take long on week days to make beds, throw laundry in the basket, tidy up toys, wash dishes . . . it sounds like a lot, but each thing only takes in the range of 5 to 20 minutes. i save the actual cleaning for the weekend, but even then, they help. they help clean the windows, dust with a feather duster, they love to clean the bathroom tile, they would like to sweep but haven't quite mastered that skill. and when kids take pride in a job well done, and have had the experience of enjoying a tidy space, they won't trash it 15 minutes after you clean it up, and if they do, then they need to clean it up.



i know it's not easy to keep up with the house, and it's probably also not easy to hear this, but there is one other thing i feel like i have to say. if you think having someone in your house might cause you to lose custody of your children, then the act of inviting someone in is not the point where you are taking the risk. you are taking the risk by having a home that is in that state. i say that gently as someone who has been there. what happens when you need something repaired?
Both kids are in school all day. I do not work outside the home. The clothes thing is a one time thing right now since I dont wash clothes every day so when I do wash there is a lot of them. I stay up late at night so that I can sleep during the day to have "me" time (I sleep about 6 hours at night then another 6 during the day to get 12 hours which is what I seem to need to function normally) I come home after taking them to school and sleep. I need to know they are here and safe to relax. I also cant stand to be awake when they are not here it depresses me. (yes I know I have a problem there) because I dont know they are safe.

The reason I think having someone here might cause CPS to show up is because my dishes are never all clean. My bathrooms are not spotless and you just dont know what might set someone off. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I worry more than your avg. person might about what could happen.

I did say my main reason for not having anyone over was because of the house but I should have said one of the reasons. Since I have the anxiety I dont like people in my space either. My house ranges from lived in messy to slightly dirty depending on the day of the week.

I dont always pick up and I dont make the kids pick up daily either so you will usually be walking over things. When they get home from school dd has homework that can take as long as 2 hours to get done then she needs time to play or watch tv to just be a kid. I am not making her help clean house because of that it isnt fair to her. Ds isnt old enough to help much but he does help on occasion as does dd when there is time.

From what I have read online it dosnt take much to set of CPS and all it would take is the Dr. being upset with me for not vaxing and then they come in see the clothes in the utility room floor waiting to be washed or the baskets of clothing sitting now to be put away and I loose my kids. I cannot keep up with the housework I have tried. Like I said in my pp.

I do the best I can and that is all I can do.



OP sorry for the thread jack but I felt I needed to post since I got the "get help" suggestions. It is so easy to judge when you are not walking in that persons shoes.

I hope that you find the help you need and have your lo's back with you soon

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 02:08 AM
 
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tnmom, please call your healthcare provider tomorrow and talk to them about your depression. It is crippling you, and threatening your family.

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I don't work well under pressure. I know I can do it if I can spend the time. It is important to me to do it myself and to do it right.

Thanks for all the good advice. Please pray.
Now is not the time to prioritize the cleaning being done "right". Now is a time of crisis, and it simply needs to get done--however it gets done.

I don't function well under stress, either. Remember--when you are going through hell, keep going! One foot in front of the other, and you'll eventually come out the other side. The worst thing you can do is let the fear stop you from moving forward.

I am praying for you
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Old 10-13-2010, 10:51 AM
 
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Wow... I simply cannot fathom being in a place where doing something I don't want to do is less favorable than keeping my kids with me. I so sorry that is preferable to you

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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Old 10-13-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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You need to get the kiddo's back in your care before their fathers file for custody. Possession is 9/10 of the law, as they say, and if the kiddos aren't living with you, you won't get them back.

Hire a service to come clean out the place FOR YOU. Get a temp storage unit somewhere and get movers to move the boxes.

You're kids DO need you! Your baby's father is RIGHT. Telling him to pick up the baby and get the hell out of your life essentially indicates that you don't want her back - creating a pattern of getting rid of your children when life gets stressful makes judges, CPS, everyone, leary of giving you custody.

You need to get some help, medical and otherwise. I hope you get it.
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:03 AM
 
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Wow... I simply cannot fathom being in a place where doing something I don't want to do is less favorable than keeping my kids with me. I so sorry that is preferable to you
I dont think it is as simple as that. Having been through severe depression you just dont think clearly. If you havnt been through it you jut cannot understand what it is like.

My kids are my world yet at times I have felt they would have been better off without me I hope I never have to feel that way again and hope the OP can find her way out of feeling that way as well because it makes you feel less than a human being.

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:10 AM
 
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I dont think it is as simple as that. Having been through severe depression you just dont think clearly. If you havnt been through it you jut cannot understand what it is like.

My kids are my world yet at times I have felt they would have been better off without me I hope I never have to feel that way again and hope the OP can find her way out of feeling that way as well because it makes you feel less than a human being.
I have been through it. I have thought that. I knew it was depression talking and so I guess that is what enabled me to separate how I felt from what I was going to do.

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:11 AM
 
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You're kids DO need you! Your baby's father is RIGHT. Telling him to pick up the baby and get the hell out of your life essentially indicates that you don't want her back - creating a pattern of getting rid of your children when life gets stressful makes judges, CPS, everyone, leary of giving you custody.

You need to get some help, medical and otherwise. I hope you get it.

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:17 AM
 
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I have been through it. I have thought that. I knew it was depression talking and so I guess that is what enabled me to separate how I felt from what I was going to do.
I am glad you where able to do that. I was not and it took its toll on me. Deep down I guess I knew it but it didnt make any difference overall I just could not pull myself out of it. Only with the help of medication have I been able to do so. Not everyone deals the same way with depression obviously.

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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I know

I didn't mean my previous post in a snarky manner. When I said that I can't fathom that, thats what I really meant. I can't fathom that for me. I have been in some very dark places in my life and my house reflected that. I won't bore anyone with the details of what went one, but suffice to say it was some of the most difficult, and unimaginable trials a person can have that do not involve abuse. During that time, I had two streams of consciousness going on in my head. How unworthy I was, how I didn't deserve my kids, how I was doing them a disservice raising them. At the same time, how devastated they would be going through what we were without me, how there was no one they would be better of with, and how there was no way I would survive without them. Maybe other people don't have that second voice, or maybe it does not speak loud enough for them. Either way, I knew that no matter how dark I was feeling, I knew that I HAD to fix things. I essentially went on autopilot because that is what HAD to be done. That's what I mean when I say that I cannot fathom feeling the way the OP is...

This is a tree on fire with love, but it's still scary since most people think love only looks like one thing instead of the whole world. *
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Old 10-13-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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OP, it sounds like you have some serious issues to work out. Is it possible the baby's dad is actually very worried about his dd? It does not sound like he is trying to get custody from you. If he were, he would be all over this. He has asked you if there is something he can do to help. Why not take him up on his offer? Ask him to keep his daughter for a few weeks while you get some help for your depression (or whatever is causing this) and get your house cleaned up. Or ask him to help you clean it up and baby proof it etc. It sounds to me like he has a reason to be concerned about his daughter. But it also sounds like he is willing to help. Let social services help you as well. Maybe there are resources that you could utilize.

I hope everything stops spinning soon and you are able t be back on solid ground.

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Old 10-13-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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I know

I didn't mean my previous post in a snarky manner. When I said that I can't fathom that, thats what I really meant. I can't fathom that for me. I have been in some very dark places in my life and my house reflected that. I won't bore anyone with the details of what went one, but suffice to say it was some of the most difficult, and unimaginable trials a person can have that do not involve abuse. During that time, I had two streams of consciousness going on in my head. How unworthy I was, how I didn't deserve my kids, how I was doing them a disservice raising them. At the same time, how devastated they would be going through what we were without me, how there was no one they would be better of with, and how there was no way I would survive without them. Maybe other people don't have that second voice, or maybe it does not speak loud enough for them. Either way, I knew that no matter how dark I was feeling, I knew that I HAD to fix things. I essentially went on autopilot because that is what HAD to be done. That's what I mean when I say that I cannot fathom feeling the way the OP is...
Ah I got what you where saying now I was reading it to be a bit unsympathetic to the OP sorry for the confusion

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 03:47 PM
 
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This is OT to the OP's issues, but....

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personally, i'm messy by nature, but working very hard at keeping a neat and clean house. i feel better, and my kids feel much better, when it's clean. lower stress, sleep better, play better, can find everything, always have clean socks, etc. and we can have people over without completely stressing out. i don't think it's terrible to let kids watch some tv, and even a 30-60 minute video is long enough to get a lot done!
I don't get a lot done in 30-60 minutes. That's just not very long for housework, at least for me. I spend at least 30 minutes a day just on dishes.

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involving kids in household chores is really important too, imo.
Yes. I think so, too. However, I do have to choose if I want housework done, or if I want to involve the children in it. Getting them to pick up 2-3 things can easily take 15-20 minutes. They are seriously uncooperative about housework.

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it would only take an hour to put those clothes away.
Only one hour? An hour isn't trivial. In any case, you don't really know how long it would that particular poster to put away those clothes. That kind of thing depends on exactly what clothes have been washed, where they go, etc. (eg. hanging things up can take longer than folding...although not usually for me, as I suck at foldling clothes).

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i don't understand how you can be too busy because of bills, groceries and getting your car worked on. everyone has to do stuff like that on a very regular basis.
I had work done on my van in July, and it screwed up our schedule - for everything - for over a week. Some people just handle disruptions differently than others do.

[quote]quality time does come in the form of working together as much as playing. i don't feel guilty about cleaning during the time i get with my kids (woh ft) because we're doing it together! and it doesn't take long on week days to make beds, throw laundry in the basket, tidy up toys, wash dishes . . . it sounds like a lot, but each thing only takes in the range of 5 to 20 minutes. [quote]
Well, as I already said, I spent more than 20 minutes a day just on dishes. I don't make beds, because I don't see the point. But, tidying up toys takes longer than 20 minutes, as well. And, cleaning up the house together is not anything resembling quality time. It sucks. I'm persisting, because my kids need to know that they can't expect me to be the maid, but it sucks. There's no quality about it.

Quote:
i save the actual cleaning for the weekend, but even then, they help. they help clean the windows, dust with a feather duster, they love to clean the bathroom tile, they would like to sweep but haven't quite mastered that skill. and when kids take pride in a job well done, and have had the experience of enjoying a tidy space, they won't trash it 15 minutes after you clean it up, and if they do, then they need to clean it up.

How very nice. My kids love it when the place is clean. DD1 dances around our nice, tidy living room and sings its praises for being open, big and fun to play in. Then, she trashed it, with help from her brother and sister (we do have a toddler right now, which is obviously a factor). Sure - she needs to clean it up...then that's another day shot getting her to clean. If your kids help when they need to help, and you can do things that quickly, then housework in your house is going to look a lot different than housework in a house where those things aren't the case.

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It takes less than 5 minutes to put away 1 load of laundry...

Oh...wait...you were serious? I've never put away a load of laundry in five minutes in my entire life, unless stuffing a drawer full of unsorted, unfolded shirts counts as putting away a load of laundry. My rock bottom minimum is about 10-15, and it's not unusual for a load to take me 20. (The sole exception is if a load is just towels - I can probably do towels in 5 minutes. Children's clothing takes at least 15.)

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Old 10-13-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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Well, as I already said, I spent more than 20 minutes a day just on dishes. I don't make beds, because I don't see the point. But, tidying up toys takes longer than 20 minutes, as well. And, cleaning up the house together is not anything resembling quality time. It sucks. I'm persisting, because my kids need to know that they can't expect me to be the maid, but it sucks. There's no quality about it.
A big to this. I have tried everything from bribing with $, toys, rewards to taking away TV, games etc. and it dosnt work. If I force the issue I get screaming and crying from the kids that just make me a nervous wreck. Then when I do get them going I go to the bathroom or another room to do something and come back and they are gone to another room and I have to run get them and here goes the screaming and crying again It takes an hour to get even 5 minutes of work. Then I end up shaking and crying myself after it is all over. It isnt worth it 99% of the time for me to go through that. So yeah nothing at all quality about that

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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I have to admit this thread inspired me Monday to blast through 3 baskets piled high with clean laundry, plus the clothes in the dryer,

which of course made room for the clothes in the washer,

which made room for the dirty towels piling up on the floor.

Those three baskets of clean laundry had been sitting next to the sofa for more than a month.

I have nothing but sympathy for people struggling with keeping up with house work, in whatever degree.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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Old 10-13-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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i guess i wrote that post out of care and concern, with the intention of being encouraging from one messy person to a couple others. it's hard. but - it takes 30 minutes to do the dishes? well then they're done! it's better than not doing them, and imo, dirty dishes versus clean is getting a lot done. it's something that matters.

i also agree that an hour (to put away four loads of laundry) is not trivial. it's a chunk of time, and maybe it would be closer to an hour and a half, idk. it was hard for me to understand, however, why someone whose kids are in school couldn't find the time to put the laundry away and reclaim her living room, for days. after she responded, i saw that she has somewhat-debilitating depression and anxiety - so okay, that makes more sense. a lot more sense. i guess that's why i asked some questions, so that i would understand.

i don't know why my children are particularly willing to help. i didn't realize they were unusual. i will admit that their level of help isn't great with something like dishes, but they are able to pick up their toys or throw their own dirty clothes in the basket without a ton of direct involvement from me other than telling them what needs to happen. they are 3.5 and 5. when they "help" with stuff they're not actually good at, i don't care, because it's fun, and it doesn't slow me down. maybe i'm a freak for thinking it's a good time . . . they do too. i generally think almost anything can be a good time. maybe because i love conversation, so as long as we can talk while we scrub, fold or whatever, then it's nice.

in any case, nothing i said was meant to chastise anyone, tell someone else how their life or home should be, or in any other way to be hurtful. lisa, i think you know me well enough that, even if you don't agree with everything i said, you've gotta know i'm not just being a nasty bitch here. i was sharing my perspective, i don't know . . . i guess because as someone who has lived in utter squalor in the past, i'm super hopeful and excited about the possibility of keeping a neat, clean house. it's incredible to me how easy it is becoming. i'm still very much getting there, not there yet. and yes, i really can get a lot done in 30-60 minutes. not everything, but a lot.

op, i'm sorry for what you're going through.
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Old 10-13-2010, 04:51 PM
 
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I think it is a time management issue more than anything else. I think we're all familiar with how we can magically make the house clean if we have vistors coming (in record time!) or some other urgency.

Having a messy house can be trapping, IME. I made a huge effort to put more work into my house and spend a lot less time online. And really, it gets done. But for the longest time it never did. I spent hours online or otherwise engaged in my own head. And my house showed the signs.

Like someone pointed out earlier.. it's priorities.

For me, hearing how other people keep clean houses is inspiring, not condescending.

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Old 10-13-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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i guess i wrote that post out of care and concern, with the intention of being encouraging from one messy person to a couple others. it's hard. but - it takes 30 minutes to do the dishes? well then they're done! it's better than not doing them, and imo, dirty dishes versus clean is getting a lot done. it's something that matters.
It's not getting much of anything done. There are going to be more dirty dishes very soon, anyway. But, that's not the point. The point is that it takes different people different amounts of time to do things. I do dishes every day, and they're rarely all done. When they are all done, that only lasts until the next meal.

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i don't know why my children are particularly willing to help. i didn't realize they were unusual. i will admit that their level of help isn't great with something like dishes, but they are able to pick up their toys or throw their own dirty clothes in the basket without a ton of direct involvement from me other than telling them what needs to happen. they are 3.5 and 5. when they "help" with stuff they're not actually good at, i don't care, because it's fun, and it doesn't slow me down.
I don't know if they're unusual or not. DD1 is always wanting to "help", but almost never with anything that's actually helpful. Getting her to pick up after herself has been a running battle for the last four years. She's almost 7.5, and it's not really getting any better. She'll spend an hour - or more - tidying up something that she really wants tidied up (eg. her dollhouse), but getting her to pick up the toys she scattered all over the living room is a no go.

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in any case, nothing i said was meant to chastise anyone, tell someone else how their life or home should be, or in any other way to be hurtful. lisa, i think you know me well enough that, even if you don't agree with everything i said, you've gotta know i'm not just being a nasty bitch here. i was sharing my perspective, i don't know . . . i guess because as someone who has lived in utter squalor in the past, i'm super hopeful and excited about the possibility of keeping a neat, clean house. it's incredible to me how easy it is becoming. i'm still very much getting there, not there yet. and yes, i really can get a lot done in 30-60 minutes. not everything, but a lot.
Oh - I know you weren't being mean. I've just noticed that a lot of people who are efficient/organized/whatever with housework tend ot assume that everyone else is/can be the same way. I moved out of my parent's home 19 years ago. I still haven't mastered folding a t-shirt, yk? Whatever my gifts may be (haven't really found any yet), they definitely don't lie in the area of housekeeping, cleaning, laundry, etc.

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Old 10-13-2010, 05:06 PM
 
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I think it is a time management issue more than anything else. I think we're all familiar with how we can magically make the house clean if we have vistors coming (in record time!) or some other urgency.
I'm familiar with how dh can do that. I can't. At my very best, I can get the worst of the clutter shoved into a cupboard, vacuum and wipe down the counters. We did the "whirlwind" clean when my in-laws came. I basically cleaned the kitchen and walls, and dh did everything else.

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Having a messy house can be trapping, IME. I made a huge effort to put more work into my house and spend a lot less time online. And really, it gets done. But for the longest time it never did. I spent hours online or otherwise engaged in my own head. And my house showed the signs.

Like someone pointed out earlier.. it's priorities.
It's also about being really, really bad at housework. When I put a lot more effort into my house, it tranlates into a tiny improvement in the state of the house...and a lot more stress for me.

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For me, hearing how other people keep clean houses is inspiring, not condescending.
Well, it doesn't inpsire me, but I don't necessarily find it condescending, either. I just have trouble with the (apparent) mindset of "well, it takes me five minutes to put laundry away, so that's how long it takes everybody", yk?

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Old 10-13-2010, 05:07 PM
 
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I've just noticed that a lot of people who are efficient/organized/whatever with housework tend ot assume that everyone else is/can be the same way.
I am one of those people. And I do know that different people have different skills and what is easy for one is terribly hard for another. But, I swear for me learning to keep a clean house was kind of a religious experience that I just want to share with others-the tips and shortcuts and tricks.

And, like people who knock on your door at awkward times to share their religion/petition/whatever with you, it can be off putting and insulting when often that is not the intent.

OP I am sorry you are dealing with depression and am hoping for a positive outcome for you and your children.
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Old 10-13-2010, 06:38 PM
 
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I think it is a time management issue more than anything else. I think we're all familiar with how we can magically make the house clean if we have vistors coming (in record time!) or some other urgency.

Having a messy house can be trapping, IME. I made a huge effort to put more work into my house and spend a lot less time online. And really, it gets done. But for the longest time it never did. I spent hours online or otherwise engaged in my own head. And my house showed the signs.

Like someone pointed out earlier.. it's priorities.

For me, hearing how other people keep clean houses is inspiring, not condescending.
I agree! And I am another one that is still "getting there." My mom always kept a cluttered house (and still does ), and it was awhile before I realized that I just don't see clutter. My in-laws house is always spotless, and while my DH doesn't expect everything to always be perfect by any means, it was really an adjustment for both of us to clash those worlds together, so to speak. When it was just the two of us and a dog, no problem. When we both got jobs that took more of our time, more dogs (we do breed rescue, although we're currently on hiatus from fostering until after the new baby), and a baby-now-toddler, well, stuff just got hectic. As I don't see it getting any less hectic, I have really tried to get a plan going to keep things manageable.

I absolutely think time management is the biggest issue, and I was another one who spent way too much time online. I am a techie, so for me, setting weekly/daily reminders on my iPhone has helped. Also, it's hard for me to dive in and try to clean/tidy up an area if I don't feel like I have the time or inclination to do it all, and perfectly. That's something I am working on getting over. The first week I tried this plan I used FlyLady's 15 minutes of cleaning strategy, every day a different room. Setting a start and stop time really helps me focus and not feel like I have to or need to drag it out for hours on end. Also, setting clear expectations of my husband really helped. "Honey, I need you to do X, Y and Z" is all it takes most of the time for him to step in and help. I've accepted that no, he is not going to spontaneously scrub the grout. However, if I tell him it's looking skeezy and I really would like him to do it on his day off, he'll do it. I know I'm lucky in that area, though.

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Old 10-13-2010, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You need to get the kiddo's back in your care before their fathers file for custody. Possession is 9/10 of the law, as they say, and if the kiddos aren't living with you, you won't get them back.

Hire a service to come clean out the place FOR YOU. Get a temp storage unit somewhere and get movers to move the boxes.

You're kids DO need you! Your baby's father is RIGHT. Telling him to pick up the baby and get the hell out of your life essentially indicates that you don't want her back - creating a pattern of getting rid of your children when life gets stressful makes judges, CPS, everyone, leary of giving you custody.

You need to get some help, medical and otherwise. I hope you get it.
We met and talked today. He already is supposed to have her 160 days a year and me 165, but he hasn't been exercising that right. I told him I wanted to take her and he said he didn't want to. I said that was okay, he has every right to keep her. After i left him and called the CPS lady to tell her to hurry up and get this over with so we'll know whether to put her in day care 2 days or 5 days a week starting next week. After talking to her on the phone, I was so agitated, I was GLAD I didn't have the baby. She is having a great time with her dad, too, I think. This was his vacation week, he planned on being in New York, but this is probably better for him.

He said it is breaking his heart when she cries for me and that he really wants her to be able to be with me.. I saw her today and nursed her.

He told me he will work with me in every way he can. Rent a storage unit and movers and truck to get stuff out of the house so I can deal with it later--He'll pay. He said he'll go to counseling with me and pay. He told me he would continue to pay my child support even if the baby wasn't with me. He has been such a jerk to me for so long in so many ways, but I'm seeing a different side to him and he may be able to redeem himself in my eyes after all. I am very angry and hurt and I felt like I'd hate him forever, but he really seems sorry. He said he was worried about me. Not just the baby, but me also. He has treated me so inhumanely, I really felt like he was heartless.

I am an absolute basket case, but I'm thinking that it's going to work out and maybe have a positive outcome in several areas. First step is to deal with CPS, which will probably be the home visit tomorrow. I can't imagine (now that I'm in a more rational state of mind) that they would actually take the child out of the house because of threat of imminent harm. The Baby's dad would be okay with it, if I had let him in, but we had our stupid power struggle and he's won. The 2 days a week day care is the best answer.

People say and do things under stress sometimes that are not "normal". I am a very kind, loving, involved and my life totally revolves around my kids. I'm not the best housekeeper, but I KNOW my child is SAFE and her Dad would know that, too if I'd let him in. Maybe counseling will help us with those issues. Lots of help is on the way.

I am very angry and frustrated, but I know we'll get through this.
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Old 10-13-2010, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I dont think it is as simple as that. Having been through severe depression you just dont think clearly. If you havnt been through it you jut cannot understand what it is like.

My kids are my world yet at times I have felt they would have been better off without me I hope I never have to feel that way again and hope the OP can find her way out of feeling that way as well because it makes you feel less than a human being.
EXACTLY. I had such a meltdown Monday night and although I knew I wasn't in my right mind, all that negative self-talk seems so real and reassurances people give seem meaningless. I hope I never feel that way again, either. I KNOW my kids are as blessed as I am that we're in each other's lives.

We will all be even more blessed and happy when I can use ALL my house to actually live in. And I think, too, that I see an change in baby's dad's attitude towards me. So glad he's finally willing to get counseling. I DON"T want him out of my life, I just want us to have a more respectful and trusting and functional co-parenting relationship.
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Old 10-13-2010, 09:03 PM
 
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you will get through this and it does sound like your lo's dad is willing to help which is great.

 
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:17 PM
 
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I really hope this improves life for you and I hope that his development of empathy sticks. It's good to know that he cares more about dd's feelings than winning the battle.
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:47 PM
 
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We met and talked today. He already is supposed to have her 160 days a year and me 165, but he hasn't been exercising that right. I told him I wanted to take her and he said he didn't want to. I said that was okay, he has every right to keep her. After i left him and called the CPS lady to tell her to hurry up and get this over with so we'll know whether to put her in day care 2 days or 5 days a week starting next week. After talking to her on the phone, I was so agitated, I was GLAD I didn't have the baby. She is having a great time with her dad, too, I think. This was his vacation week, he planned on being in New York, but this is probably better for him.

He said it is breaking his heart when she cries for me and that he really wants her to be able to be with me.. I saw her today and nursed her.

He told me he will work with me in every way he can. Rent a storage unit and movers and truck to get stuff out of the house so I can deal with it later--He'll pay. He said he'll go to counseling with me and pay. He told me he would continue to pay my child support even if the baby wasn't with me. He has been such a jerk to me for so long in so many ways, but I'm seeing a different side to him and he may be able to redeem himself in my eyes after all. I am very angry and hurt and I felt like I'd hate him forever, but he really seems sorry. He said he was worried about me. Not just the baby, but me also. He has treated me so inhumanely, I really felt like he was heartless.

I am an absolute basket case, but I'm thinking that it's going to work out and maybe have a positive outcome in several areas. First step is to deal with CPS, which will probably be the home visit tomorrow. I can't imagine (now that I'm in a more rational state of mind) that they would actually take the child out of the house because of threat of imminent harm. The Baby's dad would be okay with it, if I had let him in, but we had our stupid power struggle and he's won. The 2 days a week day care is the best answer.

People say and do things under stress sometimes that are not "normal". I am a very kind, loving, involved and my life totally revolves around my kids. I'm not the best housekeeper, but I KNOW my child is SAFE and her Dad would know that, too if I'd let him in. Maybe counseling will help us with those issues. Lots of help is on the way.

I am very angry and frustrated, but I know we'll get through this.
Wait a second. It breaks his heart when she cries for you, but he won't let you take her back?

It sounds like you're being manipulated - he's abusive right? Do I remember that correctly? You need to be very careful with him. If he is abusive, DO NOT go to therapy with him. Go ALONE.
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Old 10-14-2010, 01:44 AM
 
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just wanted to point out that there is a socio-economic variable to how long housework takes. the wealthy put their dishes in a dishwasher that cleans them. i pre-scrub the dishes, and put them in an ancient portable dw that barely works. and how many dishes you have is clearly a function of how much convenience food you can afford. we cook everything from scratch- food allergies + poverty ensure that. the wealthy person does their laundry, and removes fluffy clean laundry into numerous baskets that allow for efficient sorting and carrying and putting away into logical places. i do my laundry in a washer, have no dryer and so hang it dry, then use my one laundry basket to carry it back and forth, or stuff it in milk crates. when i go to put it away, usually an overstuffed drawer in a dresser breaks, there are no hangers so i must hunt some down, or the not so secure makeshift gate is torn down, and the 4 year old down the street. the wealthy housekeeper vacuums with her dyson or whatever feat of engineering. i have to go 15 times over the same patch, and often stop and open up the old sucker to see if the belt is off again. i could go on and on. . . it takes more time to clean if you are too poor to buy cleanser, or if you have fibro, or depression, or completely crazy, needy children. and if you place any credence in the hygiene hypothesis, or read the studies about dirt raising serotonin levels, then you might just believe that all that cleaning, it ain't good for the kiddos, anyway!
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