My child's father reported me to DHS - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-08-2010, 09:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's the deal. Baby's dad came to my house for visitations till he pissed me off one time too many by telling me that I needed to not let my 11 year old son play with his (half-) sister because he might hurt her. I told him not to worry. He told me if my son hurt his child, he would kill me and him both. I told him he crossed a line and was no longer welcome in my house as I did not feel comfortable with him in my home and around my other children.

That was in June or July. He wants to come to my house to inspect it to make sure I am keeping it clean and clutter-free for the child. If I wouldn't let him come, he wanted me to take pictures for him. I refused on principle. He threatened to not give me my child support in August, and was late with it, but finally gave it to me (I reminded him he had a court order and could be in contempt of court and go to jail).

Today I got a visit from a person from the department of human services (I think that is who they were) to do a home visit to investigate a complaint about the condition of the house. I called my baby's dad and told him I thought that was very bad form and I hate his guts. First time in 3 years that I really think I HATE him and I feel like I'm having a spiritual crisis because of it (I'm Christian). I had told him that if I felt like he was a friend and a reasonable person, he would be welcome in my house as a guest, but it isn't his place to do inspections. I had planned on having him over next Friday for my baby's birthday party, as he has been pretty nice and has seemed somewhat stable. Today I told him I will be damned if he EVER crosses my threshold again. He has burned his bridge this time. I don't know why I have put up with him and his unreasonable expectations for so long.

It was really easier on ME for those first 20 months or so that he came to me. I WISH I had good enough feelings about him to feel comfortable with him in my house.

I wonder if I can complain about him complaining about me.

I keep thinking about how he wanted me to abort the baby or put her up for adoption and dumped me 1/2 way through my pregnancy and didn't see me for 4 1/2 months till the baby was born. Now he acts crazy overprotective. I have 2 older kids who are honor students,well adjusted, and HAPPY. I know I'm a good mom. Not the best housekeeper, but I have redeeming qualities.

Has anybody else dealt with anything like this???

The woman didn't come in because there was a dog in the yard that she was afraid of. She'll be back. My house isn't in the greatest shape and my basement and 2 bedrooms are not even being used as living areas because they are junked up. But the areas we live in,I think,are okay. My older kids prefer to be here than in their father's new, immaculate house.
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Old 10-08-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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It's time to clean up enough to make all rooms livable. He is definitely ebing a jerk, but don't let that stop you from proving to DHS that you keep a functioning house. No food laying about, no dirty dishes older than last meal, laundry done, if you have pets, no smells and clean litter boxes. Clutter reasonably picked up. All really important to an inspector.

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Old 10-08-2010, 09:49 PM
 
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You're lucky. You know they are coming, and you have time to make everything spotless. Take advantage of it.


"My house isn't in the greatest shape and my basement and 2 bedrooms are not even being used as living areas because they are junked up. But the areas we live in,I think,are okay."

This is a problem, and you need to fix it immediately.

Where the children prefer to be will not matter.
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Old 10-08-2010, 10:10 PM
 
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The basement won't matter as long as the children aren't there but the bedrooms will matter. What do you mean by junked up?

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Old 10-08-2010, 10:19 PM
 
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You're lucky. You know they are coming, and you have time to make everything spotless. Take advantage of it.


"My house isn't in the greatest shape and my basement and 2 bedrooms are not even being used as living areas because they are junked up. But the areas we live in,I think,are okay."

This is a problem, and you need to fix it immediately.

Where the children prefer to be will not matter.

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Old 10-08-2010, 10:34 PM
 
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Honestly, I'd call all my friends ... order pizza, put on loud, cheerful music and have a big clean up. Take advantage of the time you've been given.
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The basement won't matter as long as the children aren't there but the bedrooms will matter. What do you mean by junked up?
I have 2 bedrooms basically being used for storage,boxes of stuff I need to go through. Nobody is sleeping in those rooms and I am wanting to get them both cleaned out and start on my basement, but with my fibromyalgia and being busy with a toddler and driving my kids back and forth to school,etc, I can't seem to find the time or energy to tackle them. Fall break is coming up and I am hoping with the kids to keep the little one occupied, I can make a dent in it.

Things are much better than they were a few years ago. I had years of major depression and things got way out of control and I couldn't function in my house. I cook and clean on a daily basis. I may have more "stuff" than my baby's dad does (he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and doesn't have any pictures on the walls of his home and very little furniture), but I'm not a candidate for the "Hoarders" show. I know I have a problem and I'm working to solve it. Calling DHS was an act of spite, not concern, in my opinion.
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:23 PM
 
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I say this with great understanding and compassion, but also with great urgency. Yes, his call was probably out of spite, but at this point it doesn't matter. I will also advise you that waiting even one day more is too long given the situation. It doesn't matter that you are tired, sore, or have your hands full with a little one. Those rooms need to be cleaned out now.
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:34 PM
 
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I would take this as an emergency and hire someone if you have to. Not providing bedrooms/space for each member of the family can be grounds for removal and since the lady was too scared to come in she may send the police to do welfare check before she comes back. Don't take this that I'm saying what he did wasn't low or that any of your children aren't well taken care of but I have been there and it isn't a fair process and even though it usually turns out fine it's very unpleasant. You need have clear usable bedrooms and if your basement is junked up and unusable and could be seen as dangerous if your baby got down there I would put a cheap screw in lock on the door so you can "prove" that it's not an area of concern. If anything, get mad enough to suck it up and do it so that your x doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing you get in trouble.
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:37 PM
 
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why he did it dosnt matter now what matters is that if you dont have the house in great shape by the time they come you could very well loose custody of your kids Each room should be clear enough for the kids to go in without falling over stuff or getting hurt.

I would ask anyone you know family, friends to come help you make things spotless ASAP before DHS comes back. Rent a storage place if you have to beg a relative to keep the stuff in there garage or house until they come visit but get those rooms cleaned out.

They wont take your health into consideration here and they wont listen to excuses it has to be done.

If I was closer I would come help you out but I am on the other end of the state.

 
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Old 10-08-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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That's really an awful situation. But I agree that it's absolutely imperative that you get the house clean immediately. By Tuesday morning at the latest: you may have lucked out in that it's a holiday weekend. Personally I would be up all night tonight doing as much as possible. This is more important than sleep: you could lose your children over this.

That she didn't like the look of your dog may already be a point against you in her mind. You really don't want to give her more fodder.

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Old 10-09-2010, 12:03 AM
 
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He's a jerk, but DHS wont care about any of your drama with him. Clean your house up, make sure it is liveable and each child has a bed. Make sure you have food in your fridge and there isnt any garbage in your house except the trash in your trash can. You are lucky to have advanced warning, but she may be hard on you because of the dog. Good luck, and let us know how the home visit goes!

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Old 10-09-2010, 12:06 AM
 
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Hope you are busy cleaning right now!
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Old 10-09-2010, 12:29 AM
 
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I was thinking the same thing with the dog- I suspect that's a strike against you to start, and they will show up- even over a holiday weekend- if they think there is an emergent situation.

My ex called and made fictitious claims against me. It was a horrific experience... please please jump through all the hoops necessary now, because waiting until tomorrow really could be too late.
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Old 10-09-2010, 12:46 AM
 
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All of this is why I obsessively keep my home clean. I have never had a home inspection but I also never put anything past spiteful and angry ex's. I hope you are able to get the place clean in time for the inspection.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:20 AM
 
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All of this is why I obsessively keep my home clean. I have never had a home inspection but I also never put anything past spiteful and angry ex's. I hope you are able to get the place clean in time for the inspection.
This is exactly me.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:32 AM
 
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I say this with great understanding and compassion, but also with great urgency. Yes, his call was probably out of spite, but at this point it doesn't matter. I will also advise you that waiting even one day more is too long given the situation. It doesn't matter that you are tired, sore, or have your hands full with a little one. Those rooms need to be cleaned out now.


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I would take this as an emergency and hire someone if you have to. Not providing bedrooms/space for each member of the family can be grounds for removal and since the lady was too scared to come in she may send the police to do welfare check before she comes back. Don't take this that I'm saying what he did wasn't low or that any of your children aren't well taken care of but I have been there and it isn't a fair process and even though it usually turns out fine it's very unpleasant. You need have clear usable bedrooms and if your basement is junked up and unusable and could be seen as dangerous if your baby got down there I would put a cheap screw in lock on the door so you can "prove" that it's not an area of concern. If anything, get mad enough to suck it up and do it so that your x doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing you get in trouble.
and this

We had a very similar situation-- ex called, and the claim was determined to be "unfounded." BUT it was incredibly traumatizing for the DC and me to have someone question us about every interaction and bit of clutter who could leave with my DC if they didn't like our answers! Also, you do know that if they offer you "help" like parenting classes/ seminars, accepting them is NOT optional, right? We "accepted" their "offer" of classes, and after the first one, the teacher said to me, when this blows over, you ought to consider teaching these-- almost funny in retrospect.

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He's a jerk, but DHS wont care about any of your drama with him. Clean your house up, make sure it is liveable and each child has a bed. Make sure you have food in your fridge and there isnt any garbage in your house except the trash in your trash can. You are lucky to have advanced warning, but she may be hard on you because of the dog. Good luck, and let us know how the home visit goes!


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I was thinking the same thing with the dog- I suspect that's a strike against you to start, and they will show up- even over a holiday weekend- if they think there is an emergent situation.

My ex called and made fictitious claims against me. It was a horrific experience... please please jump through all the hoops necessary now, because waiting until tomorrow really could be too late.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:36 AM
 
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Since I have been subject to the 'Great Invasion' I am also obsessive. FWIW, when they came my house was in reasonable condition- but that was still not good enough in that moment and in conjunction with the claims.

I had to turn my life over for investigation for MONTHS because of this. Eventually it all worked out but it was horrible. Now, I am so aware that I keep my house obsessively neat- because even 'ok and lived in, but clean' is still not good enough when they want to find a reason.

*Every child needs their own bed
*all laundry should be clean- and clearly in the process of folding/putting away- piles to be dealt with later are bad (This was one issue I got dinged on- clean laundry not sorted and put away yet.)
*there can not be areas of 'stuff' to go through
*closets must be usable.
*childproofing must be completely done
*food must be in fridge and cupboards
*no dirty dishes- make sure they are washed up right away after every meal
*no obvious safety hazards
*all chemicals locked away
*all medications locked away
*kids rooms only have their belongings in them
*even normal 'kid clutter' can be seen as a bad thing. Make sure only one toy at a time is in use and none are lying out on the floor.
*pets that can be seen as dangerous will be seen as dangerous- even if you know they are harmless. If the visitor is intimidated by the animal it WILL become a big issue.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:55 AM
 
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I was thinking the same thing with the dog- I suspect that's a strike against you to start, and they will show up- even over a holiday weekend- if they think there is an emergent situation.

My ex called and made fictitious claims against me. It was a horrific experience... please please jump through all the hoops necessary now, because waiting until tomorrow really could be too late.
You should look into the laws in your state. I know in mine you can refuse to let them in unless they have a court order.

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Old 10-09-2010, 02:56 AM
 
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yes same thing happened to me. thankfully i wasnt home. so i called and made an appt - on dd's 3rd bday and got a really nice worker.

but i saw it as an emergency. as everybody pointed out this is an EMERGENCY.

it CAN get waaaaaaaaaay worse than this.

thankfully for me i got a 'good' worker and so it wasnt a horrific experience. however i got dinged on safety issues - for a baby, but since dd wasnt a baby she wasnt taken from me. if she had been a toddler inspite of my cleaning she would had to stay with dd till i did all the safety stuff and then be allowed to return home. and then they keep coming back to make sure you ARE staying on top of it.

gosh its a lot you have to do. i wish i was closer too.

one of the things i have done is get rid of sooo much. i had a lot of stuff and i have finally simplified my life so i dont have to deal with much.

those bedrooms need to be cleared out and the boys and girls need to have their own rooms - esp. since its available.

your kids will also be interviewed alone to find out if they have any discipline issues.

and they will also check up on your ex. he doesnt go scot free.

this. is. URGENT mama. URGENT.

when they come (thank god they didnt come in) and see your house spic and span they are going to write it off as a typical disgruntled case as mine was and you will never see them again.

they have already been to your place. and scared by your dog.

even though it IS your legal right not to let them in, i would make sure i CAN let them in so you dont get on their 'suspicious' book. however if your place is STILL not cleaned up you stop them from coming in. If you get one of THOSE workers she can get a court order thru in a matter of hours and be back in your place by the same day.

do NOT take chances. it is NOT worth it.

i hope you have the support of a group of people to help you sort through the two bedrooms, put everything in the basement and help you turn the bedrooms into bedrooms. the reality does NOT matter. your kids never need to use those rooms but its there.

i agree forget your anger towards him. it does not matter. just take care of things right now.

dont let yourself be seen as a neglectful mother.

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Old 10-09-2010, 09:29 AM
 
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I had experience with ACS in my break-up - it was my ex's way of trying to get custody of our ds.

You do NOT have to allow them into your home without a warrant. BUT - after you deny them access you need to proceed with the assumption that THEY WILL GET ONE and be allowed to forcibly enter your home.

Those bedrooms need to be cleaned out NOW (stuff the boxes into closets, the basement, wherever), lock the basement door and tell them the kids aren't allowed down there. Do what you need to do to get them off your back! My case was also unfounded, and ultimately the report helped me get custody and screwed my ex - but my situation is the EXCEPTION not the rule.

good luck
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Old 10-09-2010, 11:46 AM
 
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My case was also unfounded, and ultimately the report helped me get custody and screwed my ex - but my situation is the EXCEPTION not the rule.

good luck
This was my situation as well, but it's a miserable path to walk.
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Old 10-09-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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I'd like to go in to their homes and see if all of their laundry is folded and put away and every one of their dishes cleaned. Seriously? When do single parents have the time?
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Old 10-09-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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OP - if you don't feel you can "de-junk" the bedrooms fast enough, you might consider renting the cheapest storage area you can find for a month and just moving anything that looks junky there. Consider it like you are staging the house for sale. Make it beautiful for the inspection. Also make sure your kitchen is stocked with fresh healthy foods and all the things they will think of as "basics"....milk, bread, fruit, other sandwich supplies, etc. so they don't have any claims to make against you at all. If you get them to decide the complaint was "unfounded" on this visit, it will save you a ton of trouble down the road. If they find anything that they consider worthy of concern, it could become a major big deal. I would treat it like the emergency it is, and make sure it is squashed with this inspection.

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Old 10-09-2010, 12:29 PM
 
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You've been given a lot of good feedback, so I just wanted to send you a

I hope you have a good support system in place, and can get this taken care of, so he can not ever use the condition, or suspected condition of your house, against you again.

And you all, your kids, and YOU deserve a clean house.

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Old 10-09-2010, 01:15 PM
 
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I saw this from the main page and wanted to wish you luck. I really raelly wish I lived near you so I could help you.

I was thinking maybe you could put an ad on craigslist or something if you don't have any friends to help, and just move all the boxes in the bedrooms down to the basement. If you don't have furniture to put in the bedrooms, "stage" one of them as a palyroom, and one as an office or something. So they don't look empty. Even mattresses on the floor are seen as a bad thing.

I had a horrible experience with CPS and the whole thing was written off as unfounded, but the trauma it caused my ds was terrible.

I hope it turns out well for you.

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Old 10-09-2010, 02:45 PM
 
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Clean up and when the lady comes back, apologize profusely to her for your ex involving Social Services in his attempt to control you.

They will clearly see just what type of person he is if he continually calls them.
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Old 10-09-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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I'd like to go in to their homes and see if all of their laundry is folded and put away and every one of their dishes cleaned. Seriously? When do single parents have the time?
I know, right?I think sometimes the people in those roles project their own fears on the people they are supposed to be helping. There are some awesome caseworkers out there, the one I had contact with was not one of them, sadly. She even went so far as to try to bully me into signing over custody of my daughter right then and there by saying that if I didn't, they would take her and not allow me to ever see her again.
(She was three, and very verbal, and they said this in front of her!)

It did all work out, and I actually did get an apology from her, but MY GOSH! The potential for bullying is HUGE.
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Old 10-09-2010, 07:37 PM
 
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To the OP, the other moms who have posted on this thread really seem to have good information and you should get it cleaned up right away.

As to how--since you are ill--do you have a church? My church is wonderful. When my now x had spinal surgery, the "care" team brought us meals for several weeks. Then when he left, friends from church came and helped me take some branches off a tree that had become a problem.

Please, get some help. Call anyone--I like the idea of offering pizza. Nothing in a box in the basement is worth losing a child over...
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Old 10-09-2010, 08:07 PM
 
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It did all work out, and I actually did get an apology from her, but MY GOSH! The potential for bullying is HUGE.
EXACTLY. because just a pen and paper can make HUGE trouble for you. for a while.

it just isnt worth it. in my books. it takes a lot out of you to fight the system.

you cant take the chance that you will get an easy worker. understanding one. i was lucky i got a good one.

my friend didnt and had her life turned upside down with 4 children with one of them being special needs with g-tube and oxygen.

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