Please put me straight on this..... - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 8 Old 10-24-2010, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
hillymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Louisville, Ky
Posts: 3,460
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a feeling I am just going to have to deal with this, so please be honest. SBXH has the boys eow, this weekend being his. During the week I had a chat with our sons about hair cuts, knowing it's getting cold so wanting to know, do they want buzz cuts again or to let their hair grow? All said to let their hair grow.

Ds#2 texted me saying Mamaw was wanting to cut his hair. I called to talk with him but sbx refused to let me and got very verbal when I asked to please not let his mom cut the boys hair.

Once I was finally alowed to chat with ds#2 I said he could ask his Mamaw to not touch his hair and that she should respect what he says. (Unknown to me Mamaw removed herself from the situation my leaving, good for her!)


Where do I stand on issues like this? Can sbxh do anything physically with the boys on his parenting time? Can he take them to get their ears pierced or a tattoo if he so choses? Do I have to teach the boys to be their own advocates on issues like this?

how do you deal with things like this, or do you just ignore it and not get into arguments? It's turning into an argument about control which I want to stay away from. is control what it comes down to?
hillymum is offline  
#2 of 8 Old 10-24-2010, 04:07 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,548
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok, a haircut is not the same as ear piercing or tatoos. A haircut, I definitely think dad can do when he's got the kids.

That does NOT mean I think its ok for him to do something to a childs hair against their will, and its perfectly OK to tell your children that they can advocate for themselves, I wouldn't insert myself too far into the situation while they are with their dad.

(I might tell my ex that I had talked to my ds about getting his haircut, and he said he didn't want to so I let it be at pick up - but thats as far as I'd go)
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#3 of 8 Old 10-24-2010, 06:20 PM
 
incorrigible's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The Oregon Outback
Posts: 1,696
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
this was my last paragraph, but should TOTALLY be the first! lol
If it really is just the hair cut thing, though...have a talk with him. Be firm, don't threaten court! lol Only ever threaten court if you're willing to follow through! No matter what, you should be teaching your boys to defend their bodily integrity, and never do something they're not comfortable with...regardless of who, or the situation, or whatever. That's just part of parenting them.

ok...i've had to deal with haircut issues before. it looks like you have sole physical custody and he has visitation...but this is a legal custody issue. If you have joint legal custody, he can do whatever he wants! He can shave their heads in winter, get them tattoos, whatever. You can take it to court and MAYBE the judge will think the offense is worth modifying custody/visitation over or maybe not...since dad had every legal right to do those things.

If you have sole legal custody, it's different. He has no legal right to give haircuts, dye their hair, take them to the dr, etc. etc. without your permission, unless it's an exception specified in the divorce decree. The thing is, that doesn't always stop them. Mine held my screaming, fighting son down and shaved his head in the middle of winter. Yes, your children need to learn to advocate for themselves if they are being left in the care of someone that does not respect your parental authority or even their own authority over their own bodies! Mine had to be strong enough to not just assert themselves, but turn off the TV repeatedly when their dad wanted them to watch R rated movies with him at ages 3 and 5, for dd at 2 to refuse when he offered her chocolate or left it all over the house at her level specifically to tempt her - because she had a severe intolerance and it caused stomach cramping so bad she had to be hospitalized. The courts really don't care about R rated movies or chocolate, so it was on them. The hair, the courts will care about if done right and combined with other respect of authority issues. Give him a written warning, via email or something, so you have a record. "Today, you called and told me you were going to have the boys hair cut against both their and my will. I'm glad you didn't follow through with that idea. I want to make sure you understand your legal rights, when it comes to such things. As a non-custodial parent, you have the right to voice your opinions to me. As the custodial parent, I have the responsibility to listen to your opinions, take them into consideration, and make a reasonable effort to ensure you fully understand my decisions when it comes to the boys. You do not have a legal right to change their appearance without my permission, or to undermine my decisions. Please keep this in mind, in the future." if you're having issues with other things, start writing similar notes, and after a couple throw in "I don't want to request the court modify your custody because of the recent rise in problems. You will leave me with no choice, if you continue to undermine my parenting." Feel free to throw in mentions of how he's damaging his relationship with the boys when he pulls these stunts, if he's the type that would care. Do it in writing, and do it without emotion, though!

Affordable organics delivered from GREEN POLKADOT BOX

Wife to jammin.gif Beast 

Mama to guitar.gif Crash (14) and hippie.gifSpritely (12)

incorrigible is offline  
#4 of 8 Old 02-28-2012, 02:57 AM
 
Jessica Howell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Incorrigible I am dealing with the hair cut and other issues right now and am wondering if you know where I can find the info that you shared? I made my sons father, grandmother and aunt mad at the last scheduled visitation (we were late because we were at great grandmas visitation) when we got there I was called a physco "C" and a demented "B" by grandma then my sons father threw everything off the stove all while my 2 yr old son was standing there watching. They then called the police on me because I didnt want to leave him there I was also called a controlling "B" at this point. Police decided my son wasnt in any immediate danger so decided to stick with the visitation agreement. When I picked my son up I didnt see his haircut because they made sure they had his hood up. Much to my surprise when we got home and I took his coat off I saw what they had done. My little guy has chunks out of his hair, its uneven and looks horrible I wanted to cry when I saw what they had done. I asked him who cut his hair and he told me auntie did it. I took him to a proffessional and was told I have 2 choices shave his head or let it grow out. I've decided to let it grow out and hope it does quickly. I know if I say anything to his father he will tell me he is his son too and he can do what ever he wants, I've heard this before. They have also called child protective services on me so I now have to deal with that agency, which is never pleasant but will hopefully be painless. He is only going to believe me if I can show him legal documentation proving it. I have full custody of our son, he has visitation only. I would greatly appreciate your help in any way as I am at a loss on how to deal with any of this, thank you.
Jessica Howell is offline  
#5 of 8 Old 02-28-2012, 02:58 AM
 
Jessica Howell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Incorrigible I am dealing with the hair cut and other issues right now and am wondering if you know where I can find the info that you shared? I made my sons father, grandmother and aunt mad at the last scheduled visitation (we were late because we were at great grandmas visitation) when we got there I was called a physco "C" and a demented "B" by grandma then my sons father threw everything off the stove all while my 2 yr old son was standing there watching. They then called the police on me because I didnt want to leave him there I was also called a controlling "B" at this point. Police decided my son wasnt in any immediate danger so decided to stick with the visitation agreement. When I picked my son up I didnt see his haircut because they made sure they had his hood up. Much to my surprise when we got home and I took his coat off I saw what they had done. My little guy has chunks out of his hair, its uneven and looks horrible I wanted to cry when I saw what they had done. I asked him who cut his hair and he told me auntie did it. I took him to a proffessional and was told I have 2 choices shave his head or let it grow out. I've decided to let it grow out and hope it does quickly. I know if I say anything to his father he will tell me he is his son too and he can do what ever he wants, I've heard this before. They have also called child protective services on me so I now have to deal with that agency, which is never pleasant but will hopefully be painless. He is only going to believe me if I can show him legal documentation proving it. I have full custody of our son, he has visitation only. I would greatly appreciate your help in any way as I am at a loss on how to deal with any of this, thank you.
Jessica Howell is offline  
#6 of 8 Old 02-28-2012, 02:59 AM
 
Jessica Howell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Incorrigible I am dealing with the hair cut and other issues right now and am wondering if you know where I can find the info that you shared? I made my sons father, grandmother and aunt mad at the last scheduled visitation (we were late because we were at great grandmas visitation) when we got there I was called a physco "C" and a demented "B" by grandma then my sons father threw everything off the stove all while my 2 yr old son was standing there watching. They then called the police on me because I didnt want to leave him there I was also called a controlling "B" at this point. Police decided my son wasnt in any immediate danger so decided to stick with the visitation agreement. When I picked my son up I didnt see his haircut because they made sure they had his hood up. Much to my surprise when we got home and I took his coat off I saw what they had done. My little guy has chunks out of his hair, its uneven and looks horrible I wanted to cry when I saw what they had done. I asked him who cut his hair and he told me auntie did it. I took him to a proffessional and was told I have 2 choices shave his head or let it grow out. I've decided to let it grow out and hope it does quickly. I know if I say anything to his father he will tell me he is his son too and he can do what ever he wants, I've heard this before. They have also called child protective services on me so I now have to deal with that agency, which is never pleasant but will hopefully be painless. He is only going to believe me if I can show him legal documentation proving it. I have full custody of our son, he has visitation only. I would greatly appreciate your help in any way as I am at a loss on how to deal with any of this, thank you.
Jessica Howell is offline  
#7 of 8 Old 02-28-2012, 03:00 AM
 
Jessica Howell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Incorrigible I am dealing with the hair cut and other issues right now and am wondering if you know where I can find the info that you shared? I made my sons father, grandmother and aunt mad at the last scheduled visitation (we were late because we were at great grandmas visitation) when we got there I was called a physco "C" and a demented "B" by grandma then my sons father threw everything off the stove all while my 2 yr old son was standing there watching. They then called the police on me because I didnt want to leave him there I was also called a controlling "B" at this point. Police decided my son wasnt in any immediate danger so decided to stick with the visitation agreement. When I picked my son up I didnt see his haircut because they made sure they had his hood up. Much to my surprise when we got home and I took his coat off I saw what they had done. My little guy has chunks out of his hair, its uneven and looks horrible I wanted to cry when I saw what they had done. I asked him who cut his hair and he told me auntie did it. I took him to a proffessional and was told I have 2 choices shave his head or let it grow out. I've decided to let it grow out and hope it does quickly. I know if I say anything to his father he will tell me he is his son too and he can do what ever he wants, I've heard this before. They have also called child protective services on me so I now have to deal with that agency, which is never pleasant but will hopefully be painless. He is only going to believe me if I can show him legal documentation proving it. I have full custody of our son, he has visitation only. I would greatly appreciate your help in any way as I am at a loss on how to deal with any of this, thank you.
Jessica Howell is offline  
#8 of 8 Old 02-28-2012, 03:04 AM
 
Jessica Howell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Incorrigible I am dealing with the hair cut and other issues right now and am wondering if you know where I can find the info that you shared? I made my sons father, grandmother and aunt mad at the last scheduled visitation (we were late because we were at great grandmas visitation) when we got there I was called a physco "C" and a demented "B" by grandma then my sons father threw everything off the stove all while my 2 yr old son was standing there watching. They then called the police on me because I didnt want to leave him there I was also called a controlling "B" at this point. Police decided my son wasnt in any immediate danger so decided to stick with the visitation agreement. When I picked my son up I didnt see his haircut because they made sure they had his hood up. Much to my surprise when we got home and I took his coat off I saw what they had done. My little guy has chunks out of his hair, its uneven and looks horrible I wanted to cry when I saw what they had done. I asked him who cut his hair and he told me auntie did it. I took him to a proffessional and was told I have 2 choices shave his head or let it grow out. I've decided to let it grow out and hope it does quickly. I know if I say anything to his father he will tell me he is his son too and he can do what ever he wants, I've heard this before. They have also called child protective services on me so I now have to deal with that agency, which is never pleasant but will hopefully be painless. He is only going to believe me if I can show him legal documentation proving it. I have full custody of our son, he has visitation only. I would greatly appreciate your help in any way as I am at a loss on how to deal with any of this, thank you.
Jessica Howell is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off