Devaya, I am queen of the dark side. Butterfly Vader, I guess.
Actually, I feel like I surprisingly don't care what happens with Cool as a Cucumber. He is a wonderful, sensitive, giving, warm man. But if he and I just can't connect in every way, and he doesn't want to eventually make slow steps towards opening up more and more of himself to me, to help me feel close and bonded to him, then that's not my fault. I'm doing everything I can not to jeopardize things with a sweet guy who clearly cares about me and has the character of a man I'd want to have a family with and want in my sons' lives. But I can't affect the outcome by wanting it to work, only being the kind of girl who a man of such kindness and morals would want to be with. I admire and look up to him and I guess that's my answer to the question of the month. I want to deserve a man who is so zen & pure. I tend to be more zealous, neurotic, and over-the-top. He seems to care deeply anyways, so it is affirmation that I am silly to doubt my worthiness for someone stable, giving, and honest.
In order to detach from the outcome, and since Cucumber's never asked me to be 100% exclusive or 'boyfriend/girlfriend' (or 'in a relationship' on facebook or anything like that), I accepted an offer for coffee with a cute single man a couple of years younger than myself, and it was today and went well. I guess I mostly needed something to get my mind off the fact that things are still just budding and building with Cucumber and quite uncertain as to whether we'll end up seriously partnering up or not, and it's not wise to try to force things in one direction or another prematurely. I need to be patient and refrain from obsessing..... and the fact is that I am still a single, independent woman who isn't in any defined relationship, so why not accept an appealing offer of drinking tea/coffee with another man? Gave me something else to think about for half a day, and helped me not to overanalyze each moment of contact with Cucumber for signs to whether he's falling in love with me, and thinking long term, -- or not.
The weird thing is that I fully expected this guy (I'll call him Volleyball Dude) to spend some time with my bubbly self and hear more about my drama with my ex & custody and then poof! (vanish). Text messages within minutes of the end of our 2 hour coffee date confirm that he is feeling quite the contrary and .....seemingly completely interested in me. Shocked.
He lives in a different city, where I was just visiting today. And I barely know him, or feel anything about him so far, other than flattered. But he seemed very sweet, and pretty charming in general.
This little turn of events is anyway helping me to stay in the moment of each day for what it is, and get my head out of the clouds in terms of Cucumber-obsessing.
Anyone on this thread think that my reasoning sounds like rationalization and I'm really a scumbag?