~*•~*•~ December Dating Thread ~•*~•*~ season of giving... but let's give of ourselves wisely! - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 67 Old 12-01-2010, 01:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Question of the Month:  How is your dating life helping you to grow as a person, and learn how to become more & more the woman & partner you want to be?

JohnnysGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 67 Old 12-01-2010, 03:37 PM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Question of the Month:  How is your dating life helping you to grow as a person, and learn how to become more & more the woman & partner you want to be?

 

you know what?  dating the man of my dreams has helped me to see where i have been stuck in my life.  i see how i slipped into basing my life on work and home.  i see him as my other puzzle piece and he's that half that i strive toward.  he greets me every morning whether i am with him or not.

 

he encourages me to be productive and pushes me to be a better parent by leading by example.  he is always thoughtful and generous and those are areas that i am working on so that i can soften myself.  it just doesn't get much cooler than that. love.gif


Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#3 of 67 Old 12-01-2010, 09:05 PM
 
*MamaJen*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 5,266
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That's a great question for the month. I wound up taking quite a while off of dating to work on figuring out for myself what I wanted my life to look like. And I wanted to make sure that I would be able to recognize a bad relationship before I got into it -- it's one thing to have crappy guys in my life, but there's no way I'm letting that into my son's life. Anyway, I did a lot of work and I feel like I got to a good place. I'm really happy with my life as I'm living it -- good work, I'm loving grad school, and DS and I are surrounded by a positive community of friends and family.

I've been seeing the Incredibly Nice Guy for two months now. Things are still really nice. It's building slowly but steadily. I like him, I like his company, I like the life he's living. I like how we are together. It's kind of funny, I've always so strongly identified myself by my intelligence and my education, and for years I kept on dating guys without any education. I've always had this bad habit of basically slumming it. Anyway, it's really nice to be dating someone with a masters degree, in a field that's somewhat similar to mine. And more important than that, it's just nice to be dating someone who values learning and reading and engaging in his community. 

Also, I've had plenty of previous relationships that have gotten way too intense way too fast. For me, that's always warning sign number one for a toxic relationship. I feel like this is developing in a way that's sane, y'know? In this relationship, it's like we're focusing on actually getting to know and understand each other, while maintaining healthy boundaries.

My big fear was that I wouldn't be able to fall in love with a guy who wasn't an alcoholic with a personality disorder, like I could never find a spark with a nice guy. But there's definitely a spark there. It's not that crushing feeling of being in love (which I don't want it to be, not at two months). But at this point it's a really nice tingle. I get a little excited before we hang out and I grin when I see his name on the caller ID.

So yeah. It's good. Cautious but good.


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
*MamaJen* is offline  
#4 of 67 Old 12-02-2010, 04:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yeah, I keep reading over and over again on the dating thread about the benefits of taking a hiatus from dating.


I was wondering what some of the ladies felt like were benefits of actually dating.

 

There must be some, no?

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#5 of 67 Old 12-02-2010, 06:33 AM
 
Oh the Irony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: grateful for truth
Posts: 3,448
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Tomorrow I have my first meet up with a guy in a year and a half. He seems really sweet and busy. Busy is good!

 

The benefit for me will be kind of a reality check and progress report. :lol  I've done the no dating work on myself thing again so interacting will help me see how well I've learned some lessons about boundaries. I hope there will be other benefits as well. That's what has probably dragged me out of my hiatus. :lol

Oh the Irony is offline  
#6 of 67 Old 12-02-2010, 11:30 AM
 
Devaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: here, there and everywhere
Posts: 1,228
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Interesting...I think my last relationship, which ended ten weeks months ago, taught me a lot - like you say, MamaJen, not to get involved with someone too fast, that that is a warning sign, and to better respect my boundaries. I'm enjoying the fact that right now I am getting to know LCG as a friend and not feeling any pressure to get romantically involved. Today I met with him for a lunch that turned into several hours hanging out together, and it was good but I don't think there is romantic potential for me - from him, I definitely feel attraction but I can't sort of get past the 'dad' vibe of him being so much older than me. I think although I've been ticking along nicely without sex and a relationship lately, there is some unconscious frustration, as last night I had a crazy sexy dream about my friend's husband!! (who I never see as remotely attractive in real life)...weird. I think I am ready to start dating for real again, though. Am thinking of subscribing to a dating site that I've been on for a while and seen a few potentials but who i cant communicate with until i subscribe.

 

Bad Mama Jama, you give me hope! I so want to meet someone like that, that can help bring out the best in me. In the meantime I'm working on bringing out the best in me on my own.

Devaya is offline  
#7 of 67 Old 12-02-2010, 03:20 PM
 
4 in 2005's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 170
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

Question of the Month:  How is your dating life helping you to grow as a person, and learn how to become more & more the woman & partner you want to be?


I was married for 15 years and I also got married at the age of 18.  I feel like in many ways I forgot who I was by focusing on being a wife and mother.  In dating I feel like I have rediscovered who I am and what I want and need. 

 

Jennifer 

4 in 2005 is offline  
#8 of 67 Old 12-02-2010, 06:49 PM
 
sugarmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

What a great question Butterfly.  Like a pp, I was married quite young, and hadn't had any real dating experience  -- only high school/college flings/hookups, summer things, and one long, top-secret relationship with a woman.  Not much in the way of functional.

So dating, for me, has been a great learning experience.  Dating has taught me to see myself as attractive and confident.  I have also learned so much about how I relate to people, and about trusting my own instincts.  

Right now, my dating life is teaching me patience, and it is teaching me to look within, and hold myself true and accountable to what I find there.

sugarmoon is offline  
#9 of 67 Old 12-03-2010, 07:52 AM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Ugh I'm really struggling with the loneliness of not dating.  I'm really trying to hold off and remain picky- not date for fun & short term since I still don't think that's good for me personally right now.  But in the meantime it is SO hard. I'm lonely. 

zeta is offline  
#10 of 67 Old 12-04-2010, 12:31 AM
 
LorenaAZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post

Question of the Month:  How is your dating life helping you to grow as a person, and learn how to become more & more the woman & partner you want to be?



I'm learning about what I really want.  I'm taking things slow.  I've been doing quite a bit of dating lately and can be honest with the guys I meet.  Out of that honesty, some great friendships have flourished.  I love being able to take the positive from other people.  So dating is helping me get back in touch with those traits I loved about the person I was before my divorce and marriage.  A few examples of this: I'm riding my bicycle more and using my car less, I am once again participating as an activist, I am volunteering every week, I am becoming kinder and more patient...all things that have been in one way or another an influence from my dates.  These are all things that are helping me grow as a person - they bring me back to who I was and these are things I want my daughter to be exposed to. 

As far as how my dating life is helping me be the partner I want to be...I'm not sure.  I haven't found any 1 man that fits my view of who I want to be with.  I feel like I am keeping the boundaries I have set for myself and I'm doing incredibly well in not breaking any self-imposed rules.  It's weird...they don't even feel like rules, it just feels like my new "normal."  In my new normal I come first, I don't let anyone manipulate me, I make healthy choices.  It feels great.  I just wish someone would come along who fits my criteria.  :) 

LorenaAZ is online now  
#11 of 67 Old 12-04-2010, 12:36 AM
 
LorenaAZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

Ugh I'm really struggling with the loneliness of not dating.  I'm really trying to hold off and remain picky- not date for fun & short term since I still don't think that's good for me personally right now.  But in the meantime it is SO hard. I'm lonely. 



Can you do other things?  Like join a local mothering group?  Volunteer?  Something that would put you in direct contact with people so as not to feel so lonely.

 

 

I know what you mean.  I went through a phase when I really longed to be in love, have someone to hold me, etc.  But I think remaining picky is our best bet!  Having frequent get togethers with friends (and all the laughing that comes from that) took me out of that mind set. 

 

Hope this helps. 

LorenaAZ is online now  
#12 of 67 Old 12-05-2010, 09:38 AM
 
Devaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: here, there and everywhere
Posts: 1,228
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Zeta, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I hope you're able to find some joy and connection in other ways, but I know how sometimes when your heart is set on a partner, it can be hard to see anything BUT that.

 

In complete contradiction to my  last post, I think I am really developing feelings for LCG. He took time off work to drive me back to my city (2 hours away) when I was snowed in and no public transport ws running, and I had to get back to my son. Then he stayed with me and my son hanging out for an afternoon, and man, was he GREAT with him! I thought it was ok for them to meet as i'm a very social person and DS is always meeting new people, and we are not after all a couple *yet*. Also I just realised that the reason I'd felt switched off of him when we met the day before, was b/c I was very stressed about all the trains being cancelled and being unable to get home, and we were meeting in a public place which always makes me feel nervous and self conscious. As soon as we were in his car and then at my place I felt totally relaxed and able to be myself, and we were flowing with each other just fine.

 

Only problem is the 'dark side' is now coming up...sigh, whenever I start feeling really interested in someone, I then get a tad obsessed and needy. Just in my head, nothing I show to the guy. Even though I know he really likes me, by all appearances, and by things he's said, I still feel this c hronic insecurity and want things to be 'settled' so I know where I stand. I am forcing myself to take it easy!I I will see him this weekend for an afternoon, overnight and some of the next day, which Im really looking forward to  now.

Devaya is offline  
#13 of 67 Old 12-06-2010, 01:39 PM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Hi ladies, thanks for the sympathy! I do feel so lucky to have meaningful work and lots of friends.  I find that the particular companionship a man can offer - well I miss it.  I'm not talking about sex.  Anyway I am sitting with it.  i did contact CB and we are exploring whether we might resume or not.  We have so much to offer each other, but I have asked for things that I would need, and we'll see where that goes. 

zeta is offline  
#14 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 07:03 AM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Decided not to resume with CB.  Back to regularly scheduled loneliness.  :-)

zeta is offline  
#15 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Devaya, I am queen of the dark side. Butterfly Vader, I guess.

 

Actually, I feel like I surprisingly don't care what happens with Cool as a Cucumber.  He is a wonderful, sensitive, giving, warm man.  But if he and I just can't connect in every way, and he doesn't want to eventually make slow steps towards opening up more and more of himself to me, to help me feel close and bonded to him, then that's not my fault.  I'm doing everything I can not to jeopardize things with a sweet guy who clearly cares about me and has the character of a man I'd want to have a family with and want in my sons' lives.  But I can't affect the outcome by wanting it to work, only being the kind of girl who a man of such kindness and morals would want to be with.  I admire and look up to him and I guess that's my answer to the question of the month.  I want to deserve a man who is so zen & pure.  I tend to be more zealous, neurotic, and over-the-top.  He seems to care deeply anyways, so it is affirmation that I am silly to doubt my worthiness for someone stable, giving, and honest.

 

In order to detach from the outcome, and since Cucumber's never asked me to be 100% exclusive or 'boyfriend/girlfriend' (or 'in a relationship' on facebook or anything like that), I accepted an offer for coffee with a cute single man a couple of years younger than myself, and it was today and went well.  I guess I mostly needed something to get my mind off the fact that things are still just budding and building with Cucumber and quite uncertain as to whether we'll end up seriously partnering up or not, and it's not wise to try to force things in one direction or another prematurely.  I need to be patient and refrain from obsessing..... and the fact is that I am still a single, independent woman who isn't in any defined relationship, so why not accept an appealing offer of drinking tea/coffee with another man?  Gave me something else to think about for half a day, and helped me not to overanalyze each moment of contact with Cucumber for signs to whether he's falling in love with me, and thinking long term, -- or not.  

 

The weird thing is that I fully expected this guy (I'll call him Volleyball Dude) to spend some time with my bubbly self and hear more about my drama with my ex & custody and then poof! (vanish).  Text messages within minutes of the end of our 2 hour coffee date confirm that he is feeling quite the contrary and .....seemingly completely interested in me.  Shocked.

 

He lives in a different city, where I was just visiting today.  And I barely know him, or feel anything about him so far, other than flattered.   But he seemed very sweet, and pretty charming in general.  

This little turn of events is anyway helping me to stay in the moment of each day for what it is, and get my head out of the clouds in terms of Cucumber-obsessing.

 

Anyone on this thread think that my reasoning sounds like rationalization and I'm really a scumbag?

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#16 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

Decided not to resume with CB.  Back to regularly scheduled loneliness.  :-)


Why?  lurk.gif

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#17 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 03:02 PM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

why?  because he's kind of hot and cold, and I need more consistent warmth.  he's not able to give it, it scares him. we just are at two different places.  we have so much in common and have such a blast together, but i have learned that I do get attached to boys even if my intentions are to keep it light.  we talked about it very carefully and honestly.  I do find it disappointing, but there it is.  I miss him.

 

devaya it sounds like things are evolving nicely with your possible love interest, and i think it's great the way you've been letting it just unfold.

 

butterfly- your situation with cucumber would drive me crazy.  i'd have to ask him about exclusivity at least. i'm sick of the stereotype of the woman being needy.  screw that.  i think it's okay for a woman to desire connection and exclusivity if she's becoming close to someone.  he does sound like an interesting guy- but the contrast between emotional availability & emotional unavailability (or vagueness) would drive me batty.  just me.

zeta is offline  
#18 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 04:02 PM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Bad Mama Jama, you give me hope! I so want to meet someone like that, that can help bring out the best in me. In the meantime I'm working on bringing out the best in me on my own.

What's funny is that I had stopped dating.  I wasn't looking for anything.  I had given up and then it just happened.  With just a little push.  I also heeded some advice that I needed to make sure that I was the kind of person that I was looking for -- if that makes sense.  I had to redefine who I was and being by myself definitely helped in that process.

 

I thank you.  I am pleased and it's nice to be really cared for because that has not happened in quite a while and I had to retrain myself to accept it.  What a learning curve!


Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#19 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 04:32 PM
 
taygo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Dating as a mom is stressful for me. Before I would just go with the flow. But now I feel guilty when I go out....so I think it changed me in a neg away. But I mostly want to make myself and my son happy.

taygo is offline  
#20 of 67 Old 12-07-2010, 11:04 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


 

Anyone on this thread think that my reasoning sounds like rationalization and I'm really a scumbag?

 

I just wanted to give kudos to you, Butterflymom!  I don't think you are rationalizing or a scumbag!  I think you are being very smart.  If you and Cool as Cucumber haven't had that "talk," then I think you are very smart to do as any single, independent woman is able to do... date others. 

 

Dating more than one person at a time really helps to deintensify the beginnings of a relationship, gives you time to really get to know each person and allows you to assess the health of each dating experience, as you will have a clear basis for comparison and a chance to see who is best for YOU.  Plus, it gives you a built-in reality check to insure you see things more clearly.    

 

Although, if you feel ready to make that leap with CAC, perhaps it is a good time to bring up the conversation? 

 

Anyway, that is my .02.   Two cents from a girl on a self-prescribe one-year celibacy stint, so perhaps you might want to take it with a grain of salt!   Sheepish.gif

Holland73 is online now  
#21 of 67 Old 12-08-2010, 05:21 AM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Holland I was just thinking about you and wondering what you were up to.  Nice to hear your "voice".

zeta is offline  
#22 of 67 Old 12-08-2010, 08:27 AM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Thanks, Zeta.  It's nice to know someone is thinking about me.  smile.gif

 

After a little fling this summer, that eventually brought me to visit him for a weekend in Chicago, IL, I realized I just wasn't in a good space to be dating.  I was too desperate and wiling to compromise who I was and what I wanted.  I just wasn't strong enough to stand up to the assault of those amazing, intense, rose-colored, out-of-control emotions that happen in the beginnings of a relationship. 

 

I decided to see if I could remain celibate (no flings, no dating, no intimacy, etc) for one year.  It's been about 5 months.  I have my moments of longing... physically and emotionally, but I've been so busy with working, studying and some recent issues coming up for my ds that those moments don't last too long.  If they do, I just recognize and feel them and know that they will pass... nothing stays the same.  

 

Overall, it feels good and I know that in the long run, it will help me stay stronger and make better choice when I do start to date again.   I have really spent a lot of this time, so far, looking at other people's relationships (particularly family and close friends), going through my old journals that chronicle my former relationships and also looking at how relationships are being portrayed in the media.  All three are really helping me to see where many of my 'mistakes' might be stemming from.  There have been some interesting, helpful and scary revelations for me.  bigeyes.gif   But... it is all good, in the long run!    

 

I am definitely still enjoying reading this thread though.  A lot of your experiences resonate for me and I like living in those crazy beginning of the relationship highs through you all!  Thanks for letting me lurk!!!  biggrinbounce.gif

 

Btw:  Chicago is a BEAUITFUL city with amazing restaurants, particularly ethnic restaurant, therefore it was totally worth the trip just for that fact.  The fling was so NOT worth it... what a putz! eyesroll.gif

Holland73 is online now  
#23 of 67 Old 12-08-2010, 06:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


 

Anyone on this thread think that my reasoning sounds like rationalization and I'm really a scumbag?

 

I just wanted to give kudos to you, Butterflymom!  I don't think you are rationalizing or a scumbag!  I think you are being very smart. 

 

Although, if you feel ready to make that leap with CAC, perhaps it is a good time to bring up the conversation? 

Thank you so much for the kudos!

I wanna be smart. :D

I am not ready to bind myself into a relationship with Cucumber the way he is at present, no.  If he would start making me feel like things were opening up and we were connecting on a stronger and more intense level, then absolutely.  But often I feel.....lonely.  Like he is giving me 100% of what he knows how to give to someone else, and it's still only 30% of what I'm throwing at him (of myself), and the imbalance seems terribly askew and leaves me feeling sad and bad.  Because I don't wanna be the one who is letting her heart go to a deep and attached place if he's not falling down that rabbit hole (even if at a slow pace) with me.  I'm not sure if he's emotionally available to tumble very deep down that hole with any-one, any-how.

He's extremely warm and congenial and smiling and joking with me constantly and when we are apart keeping in constant flow of electronic communication that is .....pleasant.  But I want intimacy.  Emotional intimacy where I feel like he's my person that lets down his guard/facade, and welcomes me without my bright shiny mask that I put on for others.  We are smiling and pleasant with each other so much that my cheeks hurt.  And the amount of smileys (and superficial 'how are you today?  how are things going? how did you sleep last night?) in his text messages are ridiculous.  I want to get past the first date behavior and relax into what really being wide open and vulnerable, our truest, innermost imperfect selves would feel like, and see if that's a match.

He's never been able to do that with anyone, he openly admits.  He doesn't promise that he can with me, when I discuss this with him.  He sees that the wall between us due to his emotional illiteracy is causing me actual pain.  Like, when I feel overwhelmed with feelings and want to say something gorgeous to him but then stop myself because he's busy teasing and acting chummy (but superficial) with me.  Or when I do say it,  he feels awkward as hell in return and mutters an embarrassed, 'thanks' with a quick apology at his inability to respond better, and big laugh at his own expense about how 'terrible he is at this' in regards to touchy feely words/compliments.  F' that.  I want him to stop making excuses and try.  I keep telling him to start tiny.  Just a simple, 'You're awesome.  I have an amazing time with you.' would do wonders in quelling any insecurity or sadness that my feelings are all one sided.  But even when i express my insecurity or hurt feelings he can't say something completely basic and tiny like that to put my hurt feelings to rest.  I can't tutor him forever on how to be in an emotionally evolved relationship with a romantic partner.  He doesn't seem to be listening or taking the bait to be trained.  He has no problems here and I do.  So I have to change or cut him loose.  But I care very much and I see that he's giving me/this his all.  How can I phrase things another way for him to get how he doesn't have to be cassanova smooth or poetically creative to solve this big problem with the simplest of occasional statements that are a bit more 'drop the uber-casual/cool first date act' and 'go ahead and tell her she's the best and you're feelin' lucky to be out with her tonight so she feels secure that you appreciate her and are totally into her.'

 

It's been 5 months for goodness sakes.  

 

Volleyball Dude & I text everyday...... and he also knows this situation I am in, and understands that I have been seeing a guy this autumn who is emotionally distant and that things are not really going to a place I would hope to be in with a partner.  He agrees that he wants the same thing and.... well he has a touch of babyfever and seems totally positive on the kid/single mom thing, .....whereas Cucumber has reallllly dragged his heels on spending time with my kids and even dragged his heels about meeting me and things when we first met because he was so uneasy about getting involved with a single mother.  Despite Cucumber being a couple years older than me and Volleyball Dude being a couple of years younger, Volleyball seems to be more oriented towards getting himself a family life when he finds the right girl, and Cucumber seems totally hesitant about my children, or talking about having a family of his own someday. 


Seeing Volleyball has really helping me to detach from getting too needy or obsessive about Cucumber.  Even though this post wouldn't belie this new development. :)

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#24 of 67 Old 12-08-2010, 09:16 PM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

That is a really difficult situation, Butterfly. 

 

My ex-bf, S, was very similar... seriously, seriously lacking in emotional intimacy and affection.  I tried to work with it for over 18 months and it wasn't always easy.   Although, I did learn so much about myself and the type of relationship I'd like during the process.  But, sometimes, I'd  feel like I had reached a breaking point and then he would say/do something that made me decide to keep trying.  I felt like a bit of a yo-yo.  Eventually, he just came to realize he could never give me what I needed - emotional intimacy - and he was tired of trying.  It just wasn't who he was and he was being honest with himself, which I can respect.   It hurt like hell when he ended the relationship, but I also felt a HUGE amount of relief.

 

Be easy with yourself during this process.  One or both of you will eventually reach a point where you will have a make a step in one direction or another.  If you are not at that point, then you are not at the point.  Perhaps, that means there is still something you need to learn or experience with him... I don't know.  The universe works in mysterious ways.     

Holland73 is online now  
#25 of 67 Old 12-08-2010, 09:20 PM
 
LorenaAZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

So there I was...feeling proud of myself for not getting involved with anyone prematurely.  And then it happened.  Darn. 

 

Let's call him "Cyclist" - every time we were together we had such a great time, he did great with my little one, he pretty much begged me to meet his father who came to visit him (to Flagstaff, AZ) from upstate NY (and which I did during the past 2 weeks), we finished each other's sentences....sigh.    So I started daydreaming about him.....you know, the mental movies of how things will play out.  I tried to stop but couldn't.   Tonight I deleted his phone # from my phonebook, all his texts and calls to make sure I don't call him again.  We had planned a date tonight and he pulled a no call no show.  I don't feel like getting into the details right now, let's just say it didn't feel good.  I didn't put myself totally out there, so he didn't know how I really felt....but I did.  I'm gonna give this a night to blow over and then I'll get back to my usual happy-go-lucky self.  It just sucks to feel the disappointment.  I guess it's just part of the dating game. 

LorenaAZ is online now  
#26 of 67 Old 12-09-2010, 04:50 AM
 
zeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Oh crap, LorenaAZ!  That sucks.  Sounds horrible. I am glad you think you'll bounce back quickly, and I hope you do.  Sorry for the disappointment.

zeta is offline  
#27 of 67 Old 12-09-2010, 12:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Lorena, that sucks!
But your attitude rocks.
JohnnysGirl is offline  
#28 of 67 Old 12-09-2010, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Holland, I appreciate your empathy.  It does sound like a very similar situation, and I don't see any moves from Cucumber to step up and make me feel cherished. It's only 5 months in, so perhaps the more important issue is that I don't quite imagine that he is capable of ever doing so in the future, either.  I'm detaching from the outcome completely were this is concerned, at this point.  I really am.  I still feel there is so much potential with him and he is an amazing, awe-inspiring person that I am lucky to have in my life. 

 

He took us Christmas tree shopping and had dinner with us and was around for tree decorating.  I didn't see him really engaging with the kids, but then again, he had a 12 hour work day and was kinda fried.  I dunno, I'm not analyzing it much.  It was a nice day and nice evening and nice to see him and see him not shying away from me with my kids around me.

 

But then, I asked him to come by later for a snuggle after the boys were asleep (he lives 5 miles away), and he declined and went to bed very early instead.  Hadn't really had a nice snuggle with him in 4 days so I didn't feel thrilled that he was ambivalent about seeing me alone for a bit of re-connect time.  Last time I asked he declined as well.  I dunno.

 

I made plans via email to see Volleyball in three days for a twirl around the public ice skating rink and a hot chocolate to warm up afterwards.  Since I was sitting alone by the Christmas tree with the kids asleep, (and no one willing to come by to snuggle up on the couch and give me a hug) I texted with Volleyball a bit, and that led to him calling me up to continue the dialogue over the phone.  We spoke for 2 hours and 16 minutes, about many things.  It was really fun.  He complimented my voice and also that he thought my smile and laugh were very beautiful.  Unfortunately, in this scenario, I'm afraid he's the one who's too good looking for me.  I know I said that about Cucumber, and it's true, Cucumber's very good looking.  But this guy's ridiculously dreamy (and has other qualities to match in terms of being kind, close with his family, desiring one of his own, and an extremely intelligent, goal-oriented guy, etc.... ) I can't quite grasp how he would be waxing about the beauty of my smile and the lovely sound of my laughter.   He went out with a girlfriend of mine a couple years ago, just a few dates, and I checked things through her and she had only glowing things to say about him.  It's nice to have a reference.   I'm looking forward to ice skating with him in a few days and getting to know him better.  Maybe it'll go nowhere, but a long phone call with warm feelings afterwards is a nice way to detach from Cucumber outcomes..... :) 

 

Thanks for listening, guys.

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#29 of 67 Old 12-10-2010, 10:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
JohnnysGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Land of the Ice & Snow
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I posted some pics in private. :)

JohnnysGirl is offline  
#30 of 67 Old 12-10-2010, 01:48 PM
 
Hollycrand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 1,557
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Butterflymom,

 

I hope one day you'll find happiness and the 'perfect' guy.  It is kind of sad that you tend to see things that are 'wrong' with all the guys you go out with.  Perhaps it is time for you to find something to focus your life on besides men and dating?


Single mama to a 5yo and 8yo

Hollycrand is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off