Creative ways of sharing custody? - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-10-2010, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My ex and I separated 2 years ago,and I moved 3 hours away with our son to be in a community that includes my mother and sister.  Six months after splitting up, I met and fell in love with Mr Fabulous, who loves me and my kid and we have decided to build a home here. My ex has gone ballistic, threatening and using guilt to get me to change my mind and move back so he has more access to our son. For various reasons, moving back isn't an option for us.

 I am trying to work out an arrangement where ex can have our now 5 year old with him more often/longer, while still allowing for things like weekend birthday parties, sports teams, sleepovers etc. DS will stay living with me and homeschooling is not an option for us at this point. Anyone have any creative ideas on how we could make this work? I figure adapting ex's life to the school calendar is a good start, but thought the creative folks here at MDC might have a solution!

thanks for any input. I'm having a hard time thinking outside the box on this one!

 

 

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Old 12-10-2010, 02:01 AM
 
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3 hours drive right?

 

that's quite a bit of a ride. 

 

its going to be a factor for us soon enough and i havent come to a good conclusion either, even though instead of ten minutes away i will move an hour away. 

 

i guess ex moving to where you are is not an option right?

 

the only thing i can think of without causing too much strain on your son would be daddy pick him up after school if that is at all possible. or you meet midway after school on friday and again do driving midway and do the exchange on sunday evening. 3 hours is too far away to get ex to take son directly to school on monday. so if school was at 8 they'd have to leave home at 5 which is just not feasible. 

 

however that means you guys will have to change your life quite a bit. which includes the very things you want to keep. that will be a bit too much. at least now at 5. 

 

something has to give. 

 

which could mean working out something that ex might be amiable to. like staying over in your town for the 3 days so he can visit and yet allow your son to lead his life. 

 

this is a hard one. i have been thinking of this for a year now and i myself havent come to a happy conclusion - mainly coz i dont want dd to lose out on any time with her dad. and i say this because i know i will do all the driving. 


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Old 12-10-2010, 05:04 AM
 
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The time for your ex to go ballistic about the move was when the move happened.  He's not going to be able to do much about it 2 years after the fact.

 

50/50 physical custody with that distance simply isn't doable nor is it reasonable.  It's also not fair to the kid.  I also think that a 3 hour drive makes EOW impossible.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that a court is going to stick with the status quo.  The parenting plan that you have been exercising is probably what the court is going to stick with given the distance. 

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Old 12-10-2010, 06:36 AM
 
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50/50 physical custody with that distance simply isn't doable nor is it reasonable.  It's also not fair to the kid.  I also think that a 3 hour drive makes EOW impossible.

 


I have a friend who does EOW with a 3 hour drive. They meet halfway, so they both only drive 6 hours total over the weekend. It seems to work for them.

 

My DD and I live much, much farther away from her dad. She sees him for 6 weeks in the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas and 3 weeks for spring break. Total overnights are more than they would be doing only EOW. 

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Old 12-10-2010, 07:51 AM
 
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my nearest major metropolitan area is just under 3 hours away.  a lot of people who live in my city end up sharing custody with someone who moves there (because people often move there for work, or have family there).  the typical arrangement is to meet half-way on friday night and sunday night, eow, with longer visits happening during school breaks.

 

you can still do birthday parties and sports and all that.  sometimes your kid just won't be able to go.  it happens for kids whose parents are still together, too, like when the family has other plans, is going out of town, has church, the kid is sick, etc.  maybe if your ds has something very important happening on his dad's weekend, his dad would be willing to either swap or spend the weekend in your city and bring ds to the event.  in fact, this is how i grew up, and my dad often did visitation by spending the weekend in our city instead of schlepping us back and forth to his.

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Old 12-10-2010, 08:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

 

50/50 physical custody with that distance simply isn't doable nor is it reasonable.  It's also not fair to the kid.  I also think that a 3 hour drive makes EOW impossible.

 


I have a friend who does EOW with a 3 hour drive. They meet halfway, so they both only drive 6 hours total over the weekend. It seems to work for them.

 

My DD and I live much, much farther away from her dad. She sees him for 6 weeks in the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas and 3 weeks for spring break. Total overnights are more than they would be doing only EOW. 



The parents only have to do that.  What about the kids?  They don't get it split up like that. 

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Old 12-10-2010, 10:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by SoulCakes View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

 

50/50 physical custody with that distance simply isn't doable nor is it reasonable.  It's also not fair to the kid.  I also think that a 3 hour drive makes EOW impossible.

 


I have a friend who does EOW with a 3 hour drive. They meet halfway, so they both only drive 6 hours total over the weekend. It seems to work for them.

 

My DD and I live much, much farther away from her dad. She sees him for 6 weeks in the summer, 2 weeks at Christmas and 3 weeks for spring break. Total overnights are more than they would be doing only EOW. 



The parents only have to do that.  What about the kids?  They don't get it split up like that. 


Except that its 3hours one way - which means the kids are also in the car 6 hours total over the weekend.  It's a lot, but if it works for them, thats really all that matters.

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Old 12-11-2010, 06:43 AM
 
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Except that its 3hours one way - which means the kids are also in the car 6 hours total over the weekend.  It's a lot, but if it works for them, thats really all that matters.



I know people are going to do what they are going to do. But that is not something I would ever agree to and fortunately my ex doesn't live that far away.  It's also may not be something that a judge would order EOW.  The courts would probably go with the long-distance parenting plan.  Which means most of the summer and school breaks are with the NCP.   

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Old 12-11-2010, 06:55 AM
 
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Except that its 3hours one way - which means the kids are also in the car 6 hours total over the weekend.  It's a lot, but if it works for them, thats really all that matters.



I know people are going to do what they are going to do. But that is not something I would ever agree to and fortunately my ex doesn't live that far away.  It's also may not be something that a judge would order EOW.  The courts would probably go with the long-distance parenting plan.  Which means most of the summer and school breaks are with the NCP.   



A judge may not order it, but honestly I think they would let the parents work it out between themselves.  If the GAL agreed, they'd be good to go.  Judges don't like to make decisions - they like to let other people make them.  And if thats what the parents wanted to do, then they would be fine with it.

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Old 12-11-2010, 07:01 AM
 
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If you do split the travel 50/50, I would suggest that the receiving parent drives the whole distance to avoid the annoyance of waiting for a late parent at a meeting spot. Especially if winter weather might sometimes be an issue.
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Old 12-11-2010, 11:14 PM
 
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First let me say that your heart appears to be in the right direction trying to come up with creative solutions! Prior to my current order I was considering alternate visitation options as well. Here is something similar to what I initially offered but with your situation in mind:

 

6 hours one weekend day with a set weekend, day and time (i.e. the second Saturday of the month from 12pm - 6pm)

  • the time is good because you can still take your son to sports practice in the morning, and even if you have to met ex half way no one has to wake super early on Saturday morning

 

1-3 overnights that same weekend when the child is ready

  • overnights are to be gradual and to be dependent on ex keeping up with the regular day time monthly visit
  • this would be from after school on Friday to before school on Monday (or Sunday evening)
  • one weekend a month again is not too brutal on the child or the NCP - given the lack of interest in the child to this point I assume he is not truly interested in the work of parenting and one weekend with a Disneyland parent is not that bad. winky.gif

 

Hope that helps


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Old 12-15-2010, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the input, mamas! Right now, with our son in kindergarten, we are doing 3 weekends a month with his dad, the rest of the time with me. For us, weekends means Friday at 5 to Monday at 6pm, so ds misses a day of school. This is going to change when grade 1 comes around, and for now it really burns me because my ex doesn't even take Mondays off to be with our son, who thankfully is looked after by a friend of mine with homeschooled children of similar ages.

Basically, the driving is long and expensive no matter how we break it up, and that much time in the car is hard for ds so I am looking at options like extended time with dad during school holidays. I have also suggested my ex move closer, but he isn't interested.

I never would have thought I'd wish my son's father would take less interest in his kid - funny how things change!

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Old 12-16-2010, 03:11 AM
 
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in all gentleness mama here's a few thinks that stand out to me from the post below. perhaps you didnt mean it the way it came across. 
 

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and for now it really burns me because my ex doesn't even take Mondays off to be with our son, who thankfully is looked after by a friend of mine with homeschooled children of similar ages.

with due respect mama life is hard. you expect him to take a 3 day weekend? you think that's feasible? to take 3 day weekends and still have the opportunity to move up in the company. 

 

*I have also suggested my ex move closer, but he isn't interested.*

again just check with yourself. is it really *not interested* or is it life doesnt allow him too. plus i think he does have the right to choose too. 

 

* I never would have thought I'd wish my son's father would take less interest in his kid - funny how things change!*

oh mama. this sooo rubs me the wrong way. for your sake sure it would help if he took less interest, but for your son's sake really? however i can understand wanting it a little easy. 

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Old 12-17-2010, 05:59 PM
 
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My ex lives 6 hours away and he still has EOW visitation. He only actually exercises it once a month, but the point is, it's not outside the realm of possibility for a judge to order EOW visitation, even if a substantial driving distance is involved.

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