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Old 12-18-2010, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've suffered from PPD for about 5 months now, although I think a lot of it is related to my resentment towards DH.  Resentment stemming from DH's lack of help during my pregnancy, even labor (he was playing video games) and now with our baby (who is colicky and high needs, oh and still wakes up 30min-1hr at night).  DH isn't horrible, he's just extremely lazy and selfish with no plans to change.

 

Out of anger, we've both thrown the d-word out there but this time it is different.  I think DH means it.  He told me that he doesn't think counseling will help us (we've gone before and it did help for awhile until we stopped and DH wasn't held accountable anymore).  He has told me that the baby and I can stay (I'm a SAHM) until we figure out how best to separate.  How long will that be?? 

 

I'm a complete mess today.  I've just been crying uncontrollably all day.  I feel like the worse mom on the planet - (1) for bringing a child into this mess and (2) for not being able to hold myself together in front of him.  I'm falling apart.

 

To make things more complicated, my parents are expecting us to travel out of state to visit them and my extended family for the holidays.  The plans had been made - we are suppose to drive out on Tuesday evening.  My parents have gone through so much trouble already, even buying diaper detergent for us so we wouldn't have to haul it with us.  Christmas to me is a huge deal and I was looking forward to giving my baby a great first Christmas.  Christmas to my DH is like any other day - he was raised by a single mom who never really celebrated anything.  Well, DH told me today that he won't be going to my parents for the holidays.  I thought if he had time to cool off that he would change his mind but he's made it clear that he will be spending the holidays with his mom.  I thought about flying but flights are too pricey at this point and I can't drive 8 hours by myself with a fussy baby.  I also don't want my family to know what is going on - I guess wishful thinking on my part that things will improve.  The thought of spending Christmas all by myself (well, with baby) is making me depressed.  I know my parents would fly out here in a heart beat if I told them the full story but I don't want to disrupt their plans and like I said, I want to digest this before telling anyone.

 

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now - how am I going to support this baby, do I move back home with my parents, what will everyone else think, is DH really going to leave his family (or I guess, kick us out), will LO grow up with a father present in his daily life, am I going to have to put LO in daycare, how am I suppose to function???

 

DH is acting so cold and uncaring today.  I truly think that he's just done - done with my PPD, done with being a family guy.  In some ways I can't blame him, I'm sick of my mood swings too but on the other hand he made a marriage commitment. 

 

I guess I'm looking for perspective or advice or just an ear.  Thanks for listening.


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Old 12-18-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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What does dh think you should do?  Is he expecting you to stay home alone now?  I know flights are expensive but can you find a way to just pay for it anyway?  I would go, and bring what you need to stay a while.

I'm so sorry your dh is being like this... no matter how hard it is to have a wife with PPD, you are right, he made a commitment.  


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Old 12-18-2010, 04:12 PM
 
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I would tell your parents what's going on, (because they're going to find out eventually anyway) and see if they can help you pay for the ticket. I would go and enjoy Christmas and celebrate with your baby the way you had planned with the support of your family.

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Old 12-18-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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*HUGS*  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  PPD is hard on everyone especially you.  At this point you need to be surrounded by as much love and positivity as possible.  Talk to you parents, tell them whats going on. It doesn't have to be announced to your entire family.  Spending some QT with your family would be very theraputic and they can help with baby should you need some quite time to sort everything out.  Also, the space between you and your DH may help him sort things out as well. 


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Old 12-18-2010, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think DH thinks that my parents will come up here for Christmas if we don't go down there - I'm an only child so that is probably true but they've planned a huge party, bought the food, sent out invites for Christmas Day and I don't want to ruin it.  I'm just afraid of going and getting the "so where is Dh" question over and over from extended family if we go there without him.  I just can't deal with that right now. 

 

I just tried calmly talking to DH and basically where he's at is that he misses his single life.  He wants to be selfish and doesn't want to change - yes, that really came out of his mouth.  I'm considering telling my mom and seeing if she can fly here and drive with us.  It would sure beat figuring out the logistics of pumping on the plane and carrying breastmilk through security (I'm an exclusive pumper).  I'm going to sleep on this idea.  Who knows, maybe DH will grow up in 24 hours and realize that he is going to lose his family.  At this point, I just feel like it is almost beyond repair. 

 

Thank you for listening. 


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Old 12-18-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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it sounds like you should definitely tell your mom and make plans on how to get to your family for the holidays. perhaps spend a little longer there than originally planned? i'm thinking (although i don't know your whole situation) it'd be a nice time for you to rest and let others help care for the baby, perhaps even pamper you a bit. with PPD, since your baby is getting all the holding, having people hug or hold you could really help!

 

the vacation would also give your DH time to miss you and the baby. if he doesn't miss you and/or has a "better" time without his very own family, then at least you'll both know where he's at and you can begin making decisions. if he really misses his family, then perhaps you have a chance at starting again.

 

i have to say, it's a HUGE blessing that you have a family! please never take that connection for granted, and never be afraid to use family as a support system!  it sounds like they'd be supportive of anything you decide?

 

i'm hyper about family right no, as always every year during holidays or other special times. my ex began to develop a violent streak when my babe was only 3 months old - something about being a dad seems to trigger some men into negative behavior rather than positive. it went downhill from there, took me a few tries to get to safety but i succeeded. it was the right thing to do, our lives are peaceful and safe. other things have happened since then ex-wise that only isolated us further, but i work hard to build a healthy life and so far so good. i've had to do it all with no help and we're making it, but damn, i miss my mom. especially right around the holidays!

 

post updates for us please? {{hugs}}


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Old 12-18-2010, 08:19 PM
 
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First of all, hugs to you.  Being a new mother is so wonderful, and so exhausting.  Have a difficult "partner" just when you need love & patience & help the very most is acutely disappointing.  I have been there.

 

My ex began openly abusive behavior while I was pregnant, and I was shocked.  (Looking back, he'd always been very selfish, but this was unreal.)  He was completely unsupportive and useless after that, (including labor, which I could not forgive him for) and I just endured it until I could get him out.  It was weird because it was also the happiest time of my life - so in love with my new baby - so I didn't want to tell people, as I didn't want to let ex's (then husband) bad actions taint my experience any more than I had to.  Really, though, it got easier for me when I finally did talk to people about it.  I think you should tell your parents, as long as you don't think they'll try to minimize what you're saying.  (Mine would not hear me/believe me/support me for a long while at first, which was awful, and it took me a long time to forgive them for that.)  If you can trust them, I think you should tell them that travel is much more difficult than you'd anticipated - you're a first-time mom, how were you supposed to know?! - and I really to think they'll get that.  Generations of women would get that.  I really think that the first year of the baby's life, unless the new mom wants to travel - just let others travel to see the baby.  (My own parents lived 6 hours away and I remember doing that drive alone when my son was around 6 months - yeah, it was hard.  Not impossible, just hard.)  If you're having marriage problems - people will get that too, without you going into details about it if you don't want.  People have been there.

 

Add to that the colic/no-sleep issue... exhaustion which makes everything seem bleak and unendurable.  (Which by the way does get so, so much better.  You're in the thick of it now, the no-sleep cloud, but you will survive it and find yourself in there again!)  Add to that the selfish husband who's exhibited some shockingly selfish behavior (he proudly admits he wants the single life - NOT what a new mother needs to hear from her husband!) - overwhelming.  So if they'll come visit, let them come.  They can have another party another time, don't feel bad.  The diaper detergent can sit until you're ready to visit; you'll use it another time.  I know it's so disappointing that your H won't pull it together for a holiday that you envisioned being so lovely, but it can be a different sort of loveliness, and really, even if he was there I'd imagine it would be hard to be around him, knowing his attitude.  It is fully his loss.  You don't necessarily have to tell your parents the extent of things right away, you can do it in your own time, or even just say there's a lot going on, but you need time to think on it before you say too much.  Whatever you'd like to say.  Not sure what they're like but hopefully will respect that.  You can give your baby a great first Christmas no matter what!  Really.  I was in the thick of it too at that time (my son was also a July baby, so the same age at Christmas) and of course they don't get the details anyway - but he liked the lights and the colors and sparkles and toys and music.  Yours will too!

 

And not that you're ready to sort through the details yet, if ever, but I just want to assure you that your husband is full of it, "letting" you and the baby stay in your family home.  There's no "let" about it - it's yours too!   If he really thinks that divorce means kicking you out and then he eases back into being a swinging bachelor - boy, does he have another thought coming.  It's more like you get half of all assets (the house, things like stocks, his retirement money), he pays 17-20% of his income each month, plus maintenance (alimony) for a period of time, health insurance and a large percentage of possible childcare.  (In my case, the one thing my ex actually went along with is that he'd have had to pay a daycare so much in our area, it made more sense for me to just get the money instead!)  If he's really as "done" as you say, a lawyer will let him know all those things and give him a little reality check.

 

But right now, don't sweat that stuff.  Just know he can't kick you out; he doesn't have the power to do that.  Having a baby can make you feel very vulnerable, I well remember.  I hope you can just spend the holidays peacefully in your own way, hopefully with your parents around, and know you don't have to decide anything right away. 

 

 

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by july2010mama View Post

I've suffered from PPD for about 5 months now, although I think a lot of it is related to my resentment towards DH.  Resentment stemming from DH's lack of help during my pregnancy, even labor (he was playing video games) and now with our baby (who is colicky and high needs, oh and still wakes up 30min-1hr at night).  DH isn't horrible, he's just extremely lazy and selfish with no plans to change.

 

Out of anger, we've both thrown the d-word out there but this time it is different.  I think DH means it.  He told me that he doesn't think counseling will help us (we've gone before and it did help for awhile until we stopped and DH wasn't held accountable anymore).  He has told me that the baby and I can stay (I'm a SAHM) until we figure out how best to separate.  How long will that be?? 

 

I'm a complete mess today.  I've just been crying uncontrollably all day.  I feel like the worse mom on the planet - (1) for bringing a child into this mess and (2) for not being able to hold myself together in front of him.  I'm falling apart.

 

To make things more complicated, my parents are expecting us to travel out of state to visit them and my extended family for the holidays.  The plans had been made - we are suppose to drive out on Tuesday evening.  My parents have gone through so much trouble already, even buying diaper detergent for us so we wouldn't have to haul it with us.  Christmas to me is a huge deal and I was looking forward to giving my baby a great first Christmas.  Christmas to my DH is like any other day - he was raised by a single mom who never really celebrated anything.  Well, DH told me today that he won't be going to my parents for the holidays.  I thought if he had time to cool off that he would change his mind but he's made it clear that he will be spending the holidays with his mom.  I thought about flying but flights are too pricey at this point and I can't drive 8 hours by myself with a fussy baby.  I also don't want my family to know what is going on - I guess wishful thinking on my part that things will improve.  The thought of spending Christmas all by myself (well, with baby) is making me depressed.  I know my parents would fly out here in a heart beat if I told them the full story but I don't want to disrupt their plans and like I said, I want to digest this before telling anyone.

 

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now - how am I going to support this baby, do I move back home with my parents, what will everyone else think, is DH really going to leave his family (or I guess, kick us out), will LO grow up with a father present in his daily life, am I going to have to put LO in daycare, how am I suppose to function???

 

DH is acting so cold and uncaring today.  I truly think that he's just done - done with my PPD, done with being a family guy.  In some ways I can't blame him, I'm sick of my mood swings too but on the other hand he made a marriage commitment. 

 

I guess I'm looking for perspective or advice or just an ear.  Thanks for listening.



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Old 12-20-2010, 04:23 PM
 
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IMHO you should begin packing immediatly for a Christmas trip for yourself and your DC to your parents and head out with our without your DH as planned. While your their tell your parents all about what is going on. You need support.

 

Also if youre becoming a single parent is enevitable no time like the present to start making changes to make your life as a single mumma bearable.

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Old 12-20-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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One of my biggest regrets from married life is the number of times that dh canceled at the last minute and instead of going by myself, I didn't go either. This was work parties, family get togethers and so on.  I found out after the fact that he blamed the cancellations on me most of the time because he didn't want to look bad but usually it was a childish tantrum on his part that caused him to not want to go.  I missed out on a lot.

 

As a single mom now I just make do and go.  With kids in tow usually. I've done the long drives with many young children and it's doable. Make time for breaks. Decide that you'll go ahead and use McDonald's if you have to and sit and nurse in the play area while you sip a smoothie or a milkshake.   Driving distances has always calmed my kiddos down though I can understand if your don't since I know some don't. But you may find the drive easier than you thought and it may also turn into the opportunity to sit and vent, think or muse about your future. 

 

The time away may be good. Let your family know what is going on and that you need some extra help while you're out there. Help with just being left alone at times and help enjoying yourself too.  Help with getting extra nap time in and help with simply remembering who you are.  You may find (as I did) that many of the symptoms I thought were PPDepression were actually a PPDepletion from having to deal with dh's childishness on top of everything else.  Without him in the picture things got a whole lot easier.  Or you may find that being without you and LO causes him to rethink how he's acting.

 

But don't look back at this Christmas with regrets. You can't change the decisions he's making but you can treat yourself in a healthy manner while you figure out where you're going from here!

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Old 12-20-2010, 06:52 PM
 
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Pack your bags and go to your parents' for Christmas. Like a pp, my STBX was constantly backing out of going places, but unlike her, I always just went without him. Consequently, I became real good at traveling distances with my boys in tow. I plan extra time. I buy kids books on CD and music and play them for the 3 yr old. I stop every 1-1.5hrs. I pick "strange" places to stop per my mom. I might stop at a Walmart, go in use the restroom with the kids, put the 3 yr old in a cart and baby in a carrier and just wander the store a bit. I might stop at Cracker Barrel and use the restroom and sit in their rockers and nurse the baby while the toddler plays. I stop at McD's and let the 3 yr old burn off some energy and sit and have a drink. Anything to get out of the car, let them stretch their legs a few minutes before heading on. If they fall asleep, I just go farther between stops.

You can do it, mama, and you need to enjoy the holiday and talk to your family so that you have their support.

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Old 12-21-2010, 07:07 AM
 
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Go to your parents. Tell them what is going on. If other relatives ask simply say DH is spending Christmas with his Mom this year.

 

We drove 12 hrs with a 2 mo old and it went surprisingly well. He slept a lot-that nice car motion. Besides I think to me, 8 hrs of some difficulty would be totally worth it to spend Christmas with my family rather than alone!!

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Old 12-21-2010, 07:22 AM
 
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Maybe you could find someone to go with you. Maybe someone who would otherwise spend the holiday alone.


Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:52 AM
 
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Go to your parents. You need them now.

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