Not sure I can get through the next few days.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 12-24-2010, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, my DD will be one next week. Last year at this time, I was so in love with her father and we were celebrating Christmas with his other children, and my older child, and all happily looking forward to our baby's arrival. We had a great Christmas even though he did, as usual, have an argument with his ex.  Fast Forward to a traumatic birth with a 10 day NICU stay and then me having several medical and mental health issues after she was born. Then, as I finally started to feel better, I found out that he was having an affair with our live-in nanny (au pair). My world fell apart. Then my beloved dog of 10 years died unexpectedly a few days after I found out about the affair. Then, just five or so weeks later, my daughter's father decided he wasn't happy and needed to be closer (in proximity) to his other kids and left me to go live (at first, he claimed platonically) with his ex wife. Yes, the woman who cut up his clothes and threw his property out in the yard.

 

He then threatened to fight me for custody of my daughter. He's backed down for all that now because he's way too broke to do anything. He claims he's still in love with me and that he "made a mistake" but can't leave the ex/current whatever because it would "devestate" his 4 year old. So, I'm just really beside myself. I look at my beautiful daughter and I cry every day thinking that I've destroyed her life and I sometimes get so angry that he took away the first year of her life really for me. I've been to counseling, tried Zoloft (but had horrible side effects). I truly believe that he was my soul mate and I don't know how I've ever going to move forward. He has no legal rights to her (not on the birth certificate) but we've worked out an arrangement where he sees her about 4 hours every week and a half. He seems satisfied with this, and I don't want or need child support. I just want her and alternate between wanting to never see him again because it hurts so much and desperately wishing he would reconsider his stupid decisions.

 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I know everyone says "time heals" but it's been 6 1/2 months since he left and I still cry every day. I would do anything to get him back and I truly don't understand why he left me. Our daughter was planned and wanted and he started cheating on me when she was just 6 weeks old. I will never get that. I don't know what to do about the future. Sometimes I just want to take her and her old brother and disappear. I don't want to have to deal with him forever because it just hurts too darn much. I have dated a bit, and have reconsidered getting back together with my son's father because he's my best friend. But my love for DD's father stands in the way of everything. It's ridiculous. He said the other day that we could get back together when his 4 year old is in high school. I actually though, "That's only 13 years" and it made me happy. WTF?


Thanks for listening. Any advice appreciated. I just want Christmas and her first birthday to be over.

 

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#2 of 7 Old 12-24-2010, 12:50 PM
 
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oh mama...I'm so sorry. You deserve more than anything this "person" is offering you. You deserve respect, honesty, and trust, and just from reading your description of him, it doesn't seem as though he's capable of giving you any of that.

 

Have you considered finding some counselling to work through your feelings for him? 6 1/2 months isn't very long to mourn the end of a dream. I know you mentioned zoloft...perhaps there are other therapies that can work better for you...

 

Sending you hugs from Montreal...

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#3 of 7 Old 12-24-2010, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I don't know if meds are the answer. I think that the depression I'm feeling is based on the situation and not a physiological thing. I exercise, eat right, am seeing a therapist, "getting out with friends," etc. etc. But I still would trade absolutely everything to have a future with him. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I loved him, and I just don't understand why he would want to have a baby that he then left. But I know lots of men do that. And I know he's being incredibly selfish and wants his own way about everything. But I still love him and that's the part that sucks. Thank you. I just want to feel better and don't really know what else to do.

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#4 of 7 Old 12-25-2010, 01:43 AM
 
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I'm so, so sorry. The situation you were in -- planning the baby, being so in love, depression, him cheating and then leaving... it must cut so deeply. I can't think of what to say, except for something that I told a friend of mine once when he said he was too nervous to approach a girl because she might be "the one". I laughed and told him that whoever "the one" is, she's the one he shouldn't be afraid of approaching at all! The one -- your one, your soulmate -- would never leave you. He wouldn't hang you out to dry after you've given birth to his child; he wouldn't make you wait 13 years. He can't be your soulmate. But someone else very well may be. 

 

It must be heartbreaking, and I'm loathe to point to any silver linings. Still, there's hope that the universe has in store for you much better things. I wish all of these things for you, and pray you can make it through the holidays and your daughter's birthday with fewer tears.

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#5 of 7 Old 12-25-2010, 09:45 AM
 
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oh mama i have walked in your very shoes. i really have. reading the other thread adn now yours brings tears to my eyes because i can feel your emotions. because i remember the depths of my pain. 

 

i so so so so agree with you - the depression just like mine was situational. 

 

today i look back and i look at all the pain and see it as something i had to go thru to get to where i am today. like a snake, a chameleon i changed my skin - in a very painful way.

 

uhmmmm now come on girl!!!! time? TIME!!!!! hey dont expect it to be pronto. look at how much you were invested in your relationship. really!!!! please. things felt that deeply AND dealing with a new life it aint gonna happen pronto.

 

it took me two years to get over the fear and a year and a half of wanting his sorry ass back. 

 

let me tell you when the change happens - its like the snap of the fingers. it was in the blink of an eye i knew i was over him. i didnt even know i was over him. he came over to drop dd off in his gf's car with whom he started cheating when dd was 2 months old - and i will never forget that moment. i did not feel any anger or any pain. all i was filled with was curiosity to run down the stairs and see what she looked like. that's when it hit me. oh i went home and did this merry dance. i still remember the euphoria. 

 

what i did was get out of the house even if i didnt want to. that's when i really learnt to appreciate winter. the peace, the calmness the serenity and beauty of winter. we'd go to a nearby coffee shop and have hot chocolate and then a bagel at the bagel place. i got the artists way and started going out on my own. any opportunity came my way - if i had the money - i grabbed it.

 

you know something. those were some of my best days as i look back. when life goes well it kinda gets a little boring. but at that time i was going thru cycles of not wanting to get out of bed, and then forcing myself to get out and go forward. there was a whole different emotional profoundness of always seeing the happiness next to the pain. i swear i sometimes kinda miss it. through that pain the wonderful seems even more wonderful. 

 

omg mama. let me tell you. my life saver was my dd. if i did not have her i dont think i would have made it through. i would still be at the bottom of the hole i had dug crying. i HAD TO go on with life to take care of dd. and THAT itself was what brought my healing. just living moment to moment and then slowly day by day .... i got out of that depression. 

 

ugh and dont try to understand him. i've given up. i just get it!!!!


 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
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#6 of 7 Old 12-25-2010, 10:02 AM
 
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I say this with love, in the most gentle way possible, but it's going to hurt any way: I don't buy it. A man who really wants to be with someone he loves would be with her. It would devastate the 4 year old? What about your child together, and the effect this would have on her? He is BSing you. He is trying to keep you waiting for him, as a plan B. I have been there, done that, got the t shirt. This man is NOT worth your time and tears.

 

You should read "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken." That book is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! I've been through a few awful, heart wrenching break ups, and that book is my lifeline...the harsh truth, comedy, comfort--it's a wake up call, really. Every time I read it, I laugh, and cry, and feel all of the pain down into the depths of my soul, and then realize that I DESERVE BETTER. It builds my confidence, gives me hope, and makes me realize that I don't want that UAV after all. The author also wrote another book called "He's Just Not That Into You" that is pretty good too.

 

Hugs to you, mama. I am so sorry for your pain. You are not alone.


Single mama to S ~ 6/09

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#7 of 7 Old 12-25-2010, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I know you are right. His argument is that he left his 4 year old (divorced his mother) when that DS was 1 1/2. As soon as he left me this summer, he went to live there because it was (and this is true) the only place he could afford (unless he got roommates or a very small place). So, his ex was broke too (she has a spending problem) and took him back in partly "to get revenge" (she blames me for their breakup but that isnt' the case). Anyway, he now feels that leaving his 4 year old "again" would have long-term negative consequences and he uses the argument that my daughter will never "remember" when we were together so it's better for her.  but he's in love with me, blah blah blah. I just want to disappear.  I provided everything when we lived together because I am fortunate to make much more money and I treated him wonderfully until a new baby + severe postpartum depression and anxiety sent me spinning. Yes, I know he should have been a better person/partner/father, but I still cry every day.  He has a bad pattern in relationships so I hope that it continues and he leaves his ex again. But that is probably wrong too.

 

I cried most of today which was bad for my son. He was supposed to stop by to see DD on his way to work this afternoon but he got "too busy." Yeah, too busy. I, am of course, documenting everything like that in case he ever decides to try to take me to court. Anyone else who can help me see this is some sort of positive light, please help.

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