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#91 of 105 Old 01-31-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?

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#92 of 105 Old 01-31-2011, 12:21 PM
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DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!

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#93 of 105 Old 01-31-2011, 12:46 PM
 
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Devaya, I would put in an exception for travel, at which time I can be totally absorbed and have difficulty communicating with those at home.  When not traveling, i personally prefer daily, even if short.

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#94 of 105 Old 02-01-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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Attuned Mama, if you have any tips on how to NOT do the mental gymnastics anymore, I'd love to hear them! I think, Zeta Zeta, that you have a point with the travel stuff, because he did end up calling me last night (quite late, on his way back) as soon as his other obligations were over, and that to me indicated a willingness to be in touch. From what he described of the last few days it sounded nonstop, and he was travelling, so I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. However I am going to mention, just to keep our communication open and honest and not let resentments fester, that it's important to me to have regular communication and that I felt myself start to shut down the last few days when he wasn't in touch. We soon have 5 weeks apart (in March), two of which we will not be able to communicate at all b/c he's on retreat, and for us to get thru that we need to be solid - and for me, that involves feeling connected. I'm fully prepared that when I share this with him, he may still be unable to give me the amount of communication I need, but at least I will have said it. I noticed last night the whole conversation I felt this background anger that was causing me to feel disconnected from him, and I think if I speak my mind that will be relieved.

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#95 of 105 Old 02-01-2011, 10:26 AM
 
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DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!



AttunedMama, I have had similar experiences.  I think I'm getting to the point where I'm trying not to think too much ("trying" key word).  But I have noticed that with the 'right' guy, I don't need to communicate via phone/email/text/person every day in order to feel connected the next time we meet up.  This was something I went through with Professor; we had to work hard on reconnecting at times, when we hadn't seen each other for a few days, and it got to the point where it felt like it was too much work.  I think that might have been where his "we just don't click" statement came from.  We had lots in common, but the connection was kind of a chore sometimes.  On the other hand, I have bronchitis/pneumonia, and I called Cyclist the other day to ask if he could bring me some hot thai soup.  We hadn't seen each other in weeks and we got along as if we had spent the last 3 years together - instant & effortless connection. 

 

By the same token, Devaya, I don't think what you want is unreasonable.  Your needs should be met.  It just depends on what kind of guy LCG really is and what he really meant about his "single mom, serious relationship" comment.   I wish you 2 the best! 

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#96 of 105 Old 02-01-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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Hhmm, interesting about the Professor, LorenaAZ, thanks for sharing that... I guess I have nothing to compare LCG to in terms of 'speed of connection after time apart' b/c I've never dated someone that I didn't see two to three times a week...never had a long distance relationship before...and everyone I know who's had long distance relats has worked hard at it and usually talked at length each day on the phone. Maybe I'm just impatient. I want to know if this is going somewhere or not, and it's like I don't want to invest a lot of months of my life on someone when it isn't actually going to go anywhere. To me, the only way of knowing if it's going somewhere is to really get to know each other, invest that time in the beginning and then you see each other for your 'true colours' so that you can make a real decision about whether it's worth pursuing. Otherwise, to me, it's just drawing it out. It's reassuring to hear from you and Attuned Mama that my expectations aren't unreasonable. Really a relief! I will play it by ear tomorrow night and see how things go with him.

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DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


No, I do not think you're 'way off' with regards to what to desire or expect from a relationship. Not one bit.

 

That said, I've recently resolved not to bother with this sort of mental gymnastics anymore. If a guy is telling me (by his behaviours)  that he's not really wanting to check-in, then he doesn't. I'm going to believe him and not only not SEEM clingy, but not BE clingy. If what he has to offer, organically, is not what I need, I'm moving on. To do otherwise just sets up for resentments later, IME.

 

I don't doubt there are people who, upon being asked for more communication, would cheerfully say 'Oh, OK, sounds good!' and follow through with an open heart.....I just haven't dated them. The situation you describe has always resulted in ample hurt feelings in my little world, so I earnestly force myself to recognize and own it straightaway and keep on sailing, rather than getting bogged down.

 

Good luck!



AttunedMama, I have had similar experiences.  I think I'm getting to the point where I'm trying not to think too much ("trying" key word).  But I have noticed that with the 'right' guy, I don't need to communicate via phone/email/text/person every day in order to feel connected the next time we meet up.  This was something I went through with Professor; we had to work hard on reconnecting at times, when we hadn't seen each other for a few days, and it got to the point where it felt like it was too much work.  I think that might have been where his "we just don't click" statement came from.  We had lots in common, but the connection was kind of a chore sometimes.  On the other hand, I have bronchitis/pneumonia, and I called Cyclist the other day to ask if he could bring me some hot thai soup.  We hadn't seen each other in weeks and we got along as if we had spent the last 3 years together - instant & effortless connection. 

 

By the same token, Devaya, I don't think what you want is unreasonable.  Your needs should be met.  It just depends on what kind of guy LCG really is and what he really meant about his "single mom, serious relationship" comment.   I wish you 2 the best! 



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#97 of 105 Old 02-01-2011, 08:10 PM
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Attuned Mama, if you have any tips on how to NOT do the mental gymnastics anymore, I'd love to hear them! 

 

Ok. Here goes.

I'm recently coming off of the biggest heartbreak/disappointment that I'm likely to experience in this lifetime. And what I've learned over the months is that Faking It IS Making it. I've had to train my game to create a new reality that is now true(although still a bit fragile).

 

With my Troll, he would say things that were way over the top and it was getting me all wired funny. Promising me marriages/babies I hadn't asked for, but actually wanted, with woefully inadequate or no follow-through on his part. It was a great big mess, I got baited HARD. It triggered all kinds of unmet needs that I didn't know that I had, and that was something of a complicated blessing. No doubt, I'm tougher and less naive now, and fully aware that I can go forever without a relationship if it comes down to that.

 

So. I had to do some important things. I had to choose to hold on to a cycle of written communication between us, rather than always deleting it every time one of us dumped the other. With that tool, I was able to use my mad liberal arts skills to seriously disable/deconstruct what was going on. Second, I had to dump him even though he was still tempting to me. I had to face my gods and really come to peace with some values that are more 'traditional' than I had previously practiced, but were my new reality. Mostly sexual stuff here, making the choice to tough it out on my own rather than acquiesce to his tempting, controlling demands. I watched conservative religious messages about the sanctity of my sexuality, and adapted them to my own spiritual faith. It was awesome, I felt like a total magical alchemist shaman over that one.

 

And I did it! There were times when I was SOOOOO lonely. I did it anyway, knowing that going down his crazy path would also make me crazy. Obviously, this particular relationship was saturated with emotional abuse on his end(I could go on, and you'd doubtlessly roll your eyes and lose respect for me). The fact that I put up with as much as I did showed me how many unhealed wounds I was still carrying. But my condensed advice is:

 

Watch He's Just Not That Into You, even though the characters are often shallow and alienating in their privilege, it has a lot of straightforward, honest advice. I usually can't stand films 'like this', but I would watch this one twice. 

 

If you're finding that you try to fit the Square Peg into the Round Hole, get some counseling. Talk it through with a detached pro who can help you see WHY you, specifically, are trying to make lemons into lemonade without any sugar, or ice cubes, or straws, or glasses or a spoon.

 

Actively get/keep the rest of your life very full and interesting. I went back to school (not because of him, just because it was time), and seeing the first report card full of A's was pretty good. Then when Troll jumped on my bridge the next time, and still a tired-a@@ Troll with no accomplishments to show for himself, the shift was different. In my head was all like 'I can't believe this guy is even talking to me, I'm AttunedMama and I'm on the Dean's List while raising kids! Why don't I go ahead and really seriously dump him, like bridge burning and all' instead of my previous 'Well, I'm no better than any other of gods' people, life is hard, I'll have some empathy for this guy and listen to him bellyache like I'm some kind of free therapist'. Now it was like 'I can't believe I'm considering letting this guy distract me any further. Oh wait, I'm not really even considering it. Poof, be gone'.

 

Have a way to manage the 'adult' side of things. This is obviously tuned to your own personal needs. Maybe explore on your own a little new thing or two?

 

I don't know if any of this is relevant to you, Devaya, but maybe someone else can get a spark from it.

 

And oh yeah, reading and then starting to post in this forum is helpful as well. It's a great intersection of my maternal and personal needs, which add a whole new angle on the dating stuff. Troll didn't have a clue how serious it is to date a Mama, and seeing other Mamas here who get that w/o explanation gave me a lot of boost in a time in which I was very very vulnerable and dangerously close to getting stupid-hurt, or just wasting time. I can honestly say that I've rebuilt missing parts of my foundation, and while Troll was my catalyst, he can still bugger off, because he's a scumbag predator UAV. I would not be likely to tolerate crap again, because now I truly understand what I only previously knew intellectually: Being on your own is truly FUN and cool, and a relationship can round that out if it's not complicated and difficult. Maybe. But not with someone who's not calling you and really showing their a@@. Watch 'Casablanca' to see a complicated situation in which the female protagonist is seriously getting her heart stomped and its nobody's fault, and ask if you're willing to settle for less than a man who would let you go gracefully because it's the right thing to do, even though he's going to suffer for a very, very long time and could totally get what he wants and not even be likely to be blamed for it later on.

 

Ok, I'll stop now. Best wishes to all of us.

 


 

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#98 of 105 Old 02-02-2011, 07:33 PM
 
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If you're finding that you try to fit the Square Peg into the Round Hole, get some counseling. Talk it through with a detached pro who can help you see WHY you, specifically, are trying to make lemons into lemonade without any sugar, or ice cubes, or straws, or glasses or a spoon.


I freaking LOVE this line! Thanx for sharing your lessons!

 

btw, if anyone would like to read the book "He's Just Not That Into You", I have a copy that I'd love to gift to another momma. PM me if you want it!


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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#99 of 105 Old 02-05-2011, 01:21 AM
 
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Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

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Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

 

You need someone who isn't afraid of commitment.  I think you're trying to "talk yourself into" this guy.  I also find odd that you are afraid of this particular thing - dragging committment out of him.  If he's ready to commit, he will.  If he's not, he won't.  I don't think he's ready, and I think you're looking for someone who is.  Don't settle.

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#101 of 105 Old 02-05-2011, 10:23 AM
 
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Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

 

You need someone who isn't afraid of commitment.  I think you're trying to "talk yourself into" this guy.  I also find odd that you are afraid of this particular thing - dragging committment out of him.  If he's ready to commit, he will.  If he's not, he won't.  I don't think he's ready, and I think you're looking for someone who is.  Don't settle.

QUOTE


I think it's fair to give someone a chance to see if they want a serious relationship with you. It's only been less than two months, and we've seen each other six times (some of which included a couple of days at a time) in that entire time. He has been entirely honest with me from the start and said he wants to take it slowly, but he has also made it clear that we are in a relationship, refers to himself as my boyfriend etc. SO it's not as if I am dating someone who is giving me no commitment - just not quite the level of commitment i want - which I couldn't even really define, it 's more a sense of someone really being IN my life, participating in it and being someone I could call and say 'I've had a crap day', and he'd be available. WHen he's free, he is like that - but the fact is he is an extremely busy man. 

 

I was talking to a friend the other day who's been with her boyf for 9 months, now living together, they are totally devoted to each other and got serious quite early on, are even trying to have a baby together already (I know, I know!!) Even she said, "but could I say he is definitely 'the one'? I don't know. I dont think anyone knows that for sure. People change all the time." I think that's where it's at with this guy: he's been through two decades more of relationships than me, and has been through too many 'The Ones' to allow himself to get carried away too early. And I'm starting to realise, after several 'failed' relationships, some of them very long, in which I was convinced they were each 'the One', that there are no guarantees - just unfolding moments with a person that you see whether you want to keep on having unfolding moments with. Maybe I'm trying to talk myself into this guy. But there's something special about him- a lot of special things in fact - that I've never experienced with anyone before, so I want to give it a chance. He's the most emotionally literate, intelligent, successful, attuned and aware guy I've ever been involved with, and is the first guy to really walk his talk and be on a spiritual path as I am. This is a huge breakthrough for me after thirteen years of addicts etc. I won't settle though: if he doesn't up the commitment in the next couple months - and us being apart of necessity for 5 weeks in March will be a testing period - then I'm outa here. As for being afraid of the 'dragging the commitment out of him', I'm learning about adult, healthy relationships in which trust is built over time - not an instant, intense 'I love you' after two weeks which is the way I've always done it - and didn't work. So although I feel I'm falling in love with him I can also reign it in a little. He also shared two weeks after we got together that he knew he could easily fall in love with me and was 's**tting himself' about it. We all have fears around letting someone in, really in, and trusting and being intimate - me too.

 

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#102 of 105 Old 02-05-2011, 12:54 PM
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Attuned Mama, thank you for sharing your experiences with Troll and the insights it's led you to! Good for you for breaking free. I don't see any of those signs with LCG, and I don't tend to go for overtly emotionally abusive guys, just loser guys who are addicts in one form or another and never change ;) and LCG is successful, been doing personal development for decades and very very emotionally tuned in. He's very respectful and nurturing. I just don't see any of those red flags with him - I think the only issues really are that he has a VAST amount of friends and 'spreads his emotional energy' around them so he has less for a partner - he's even admitted that he finds it a 'bit much' the amount of friends he has, whereas I can be more focused in my attentions; and that I think he's a bit scared of commitment and seems to think me, as a single mom, is going to be trying to drag that out of him. So I just really don't want to scare him off. I had heard bad things about 'he's just not that into you' - as in, it's not really based on anything, and it's very anti-feminist, but I have an open mind and am willing to have a look!

 

You're welcome. It was good for me to get all that 'out'. The insights are more about me than about Troll or his specific MO. I don't generally get into abusive dudes...it has happened before, but I've had several adoring men who only brought blessings, not chaos. I share it all in the spirit of my process of detachment, regardless of what the dude himself was perpetuating. Troll will never give up as long as I'm saying 'no'...and anytime I'm saying 'yes', he's backing off. It's ridiculous. I am not yet convinced that it's scary, but it's certainly tired.

 

As far as the film goes, I don't find it anti-feminist. I do find it shallow, and the characters often vapid. I'm currently considering programs for a PhD in Gender Studies, so I'll call myself a mini-expert on this for now (I only have a minor in Women's Studies, but I'm among the coolest toughest academic women I know blahblah.gif) . I find it a snapshot, and an insightful one with regard to simple analysis of 'Duh, if he's not calling, it's cuz he's not calling. Accept it.' The film only showcases Euro, middle-class folks with no kids, so...yeah. It wasn't so much mind-blowing in its complexity, as it was a welcome reminder for its simplicity. We tend to get tempted to try to imagine that the situation we're dealing with is an exception, not an example of a rule. It's very overt in calling that out. Watch it, seriously.

 

If you come back and tell me I wasted 1.5 hours of your life, I'll send you a cookie...but watch it anyway....
 

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#103 of 105 Old 02-06-2011, 01:36 AM
 
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Attuned Mama, your post made me smile! Nice to know your feminist credentials - I know the mamas on here are intelligent, thoughtful women but it was just stuff I'd heard from some of my more New Age-y friends, like not to read books or watch films that reinforce stereotypical ideas about men/women relationships because it is limiting. Unfort I think a lot of new age women think men are all the same as them, but my experience is that, well, they're just NOT. I have reserved the film for rent and should get it soon - looking forward to it! Now had probably better take a hike over to Feb dating thread as it's now, what, the 6th of Feb? LOL. But good to finish the conversation over here!

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#104 of 105 Old 02-07-2011, 01:27 PM
 
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DeerMother, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Sounds like you have some good tactics up your sleeve for recovery.

 

A question, ladies: how often is it reasonable, do you think, to expect to hear from a man you've been dating for nearly two months and who has defined what's going on as a relationship...who you only see every week or ten days because of the distance apart that you live? I would say every second day or so, to speak for at least ten minutes, and a couple of longer chats each week, plus texts every day would be nice. Am I way off here? I've only heard from LCG twice in the past 5 days and both times were responding to my communications - and both were one liners, no effort really. He has been out the country since Fri and returning tomorrow but I saw he was online (and he did respond to my FB message with a one liner) and so he obviously had time to be online a bit, he could've sent a message even if he couldn't ring... We had two such amazing phone conversations before that, which left me feeling very connected to him, and I think maybe he's pulling away a bit again, as he seems to do everytime we get closer... v frustrating. My friend reckons I am within my rights to tell him I need more communication between seeing each other, to feel connected - b/c it really does weaken the connection, and then when I see him I feel I have to almost start all over again with building our level of comfort and ease with each other - but I'm afraid to seem clingy esp after his past comments that he knows 'because I'm a single mother, I'm after a serious relationship'.  I'm used to guys (past guys) texting and calling every day and making it clear they were thinking of me a lot...not in a stalker kind of way, but it really helps to get to know each other, and esp with us being long distance, I think its essential.  Because of this sometimes I do just want to pack it in with LCG despite it going very well on the whole. Hhmm. Ideas, anyone?


I don't think your expectations are unreasonable. My bet is that he feels he has you where he wants to and can relax and get into bad habits. My advice is to stop contacting him if you're only getting one liners back anyway. He needs to step up and if he cares about you he will. It's a guy's reaction to call if he cares and she isn't contacting him. You'll know quickly where you stand without having to say a word.

 

I did this to a guy and he was calling, texting me, e-mailing, and trying everything to get a hold of me to tell me he cared and to excuse his laziness. Message got through loud and clear. 
 

I honestly am having trouble reading this from the post. I tend to have always had more male friends than women so I have some ideas on how this think (thought I'll admit I'm not 100%). I don't like a couple things your wrote here. He went out of town, was online, and hasn't contacted you. You don't see eachother for long periods of time and it's always you calling, texting, etc. Either he is lazy and needs to learn to row the boat every once in a while to give you a break and pull his weight. Or something fishy is up. Not saying another person but he may be a player, liar, or something else that isn't right. Guys that are really into their women think about them when they're away and want to hear/contact them. It's a great sign of things once the initial I have to look cool/not desperate period has worn off IMO.

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#105 of 105 Old 02-08-2011, 01:43 AM
 
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Thanks, thats v helpful. I have refrained frm contacting him since i sa
w him last thurs, he was on a retreat on weekend and called me soon as he left yesterday. Im not going to contact him again and see whether he steps up to the mark. When we spoke y.day he was warm, said he'd been thinking of ne, but also told me how busy he is this wk and didnt mention when we'd see each other (we have a.weekend together booked in eleven days time but he had said he'd find another day btwn now and then to visit - he didnt mention this and so i said nothing bout it). I dont suspect something fishy, i think he just may not have space in his busy life for a single mom living 50 miles away who cant just meet up whenever. I also think ive made some mistakes that have set off his 'neediness' radar, like asking whether we were in a relat or not. So we shall see if he steps up to the mark. I keep feeling i should date other guys to be less dependent on someone who isnt fully committdd to tgs extent i would like,but as we are in a sexual relat and have agreed we are exclusive i dont think i can now.
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