January Dating Thread - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-31-2010, 05:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What are your New Year's Dating Resolutions?
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Old 01-01-2011, 05:39 AM
 
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Can I join in here? I've been separated for almost 5 mos, and my divorce will be final this month. I met someone, we'll call him Fireman. He's a firefighter and EMT and he's sweet and I'm having fun getting to know him. We are going for our first "date" tonight.

My New Year's Resolution for dating is Just Have Fun! I don't want anything serious. I am still healing and I just want someone to do things with and talk to. If more evolves from that friendship, then so be it, but I really want to take it slow and easy.

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Old 01-02-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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Hello!

 

I lurk a bit on these dating threads but I've decided to start posting.  I have been separated for a year and it's been 7 months since I knew for sure that my stbx and I were done for good.  I have not been on a date at all.  I think I might be ready but I don't know.  My friends invited a single guy to a new years eve party I went to and I talked to him quite a bit, but I don't know.  It just feels so awkward.  He has actually sent me a fb friend request but I haven't confirmed it yet.  The idea of going on a date makes me feel very uncomfortable.  Either I'm really not ready or I just need force myself into it.  I don't know!!

 

Anyway, that's my intro!  I'm hoping I'll gain some confidence in the world of dating from all of you!


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Old 01-02-2011, 01:35 PM
 
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Happy New year everyone! Welcome haydn'smommy and Gillian28. Gillian, I can totally relate to those feelings of uncertainty and nerves about dating, I felt exactly the same and was practically shaking the first proper date I went on...it has got a lot easier but mainly bc I have been meeting people naturally through friends rather than going on dates with strangers. I like that more bc I get to suss them out first and it all feels more natural. Haydn'smommy, that sounds like a really healthy approach smile.gif

I have just spent the weekend with LCG who I've been dating for 3 weeks now, him, me, my son, and a lot of other people most of the time! It was a real 'test' and I think we passed it...we were both very nervous about it as things are so new to be throwing others into the mix, but it worked fine and we managed to get quality time on our own too which was good. I feel a lot more  balanced about it all, I like him a lot but don't feel so carried away with my feelings, have been doing a lot of journalling to deal with the painful stuff that's been coming up and that's given me lots more clarity. I can see this for what it is more and not put too many heavy expectations on it. I can also see his flaws and irritating points which is a really GOOD sign with me b/c I tend to put a new guy on a pedestal, and I want to go into this with eyes open! Since I have been more centred in myself I've noticed a change in his energy towards me for the positive - he was pulling back a lot after our last (alone) weekend together which was rather intense (in a good way). I also had a chat with his housemate who's a friend (I met her before him), and she said he has a lot of insecurity in relationships and not to take it personally, what's been going on is about his issues..so that reassured me a lot. At the end of the day, he is just a guy, and I'm trying to take the approach more of 'let's see if he's worth being in a relat with, let's see if HE'S worthy,r ather than the other way around!

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Old 01-02-2011, 11:13 PM
 
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Hey all.  I have been separated for over a year and a half and am now divorced.  Basically, I am scared to date.  However, I think it just may be time.  I will be going out with someone in a couple of days.  Not sure I could call it a date, but I think it is a step in the right direction.  The reason I don't feel comfortable calling it a date is b/c it may be that we are just carpooling to an event that we had talked about going to in the recent past.  We aren't going out for a meal or tea or anything else.  At the very least, it is a chance to get to know him on the way over, right?  What I do know about him is that he is a lovely person to know, so either way (friend or date) I win.

 

Okay, so why am so scared?  Could it be that I haven't gotten to know another man as a single person in over 10 years.  Any help on the first outing jitters?  See, I keep telling myself it is not a date, so don't worry.  But even if it is not a date, I am still nervous.  And I get really shy when I am nervous.


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Old 01-03-2011, 03:33 AM
 
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We ended up not going out. I was a little disappointed, but mostly cause I really wanted to see that movie ;) We've talked hours on the phone. He's easy to talk to, and he talks as much as me! That's hard to do. It's nice to have another person to call cause I think I'm driving my mom and my friends nuts since my X moved out and I'm alone and needing some adult interaction.

I am v.v. nervous about dating. I feel v. cynical and untrusting. I cannot take ANYTHING at face value like I used to. I know that I pick apart (in my head) everything that he says and look for how he's "manipulating" me or misleading me. I am so gun shy after my X just up and walked out with no warning that we had any problems. I don't want to be that distrustful, cynical girl, though. That's a big reason why I want someone to just be friends with, to have fun with, with no commitment, and to let it evolve if it will.

But, it is so good for the ego to hear someone tell me I'm beautiful. My poor ego took a bruising when X told me that he didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me and it's nice to hear nice things about myself.

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Old 01-03-2011, 07:45 PM
 
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Jaime - I feel the same!  My stbx had an affair with his young employee and left me for her.  I got the whole 'I don't love you anymore, I don't think I ever did' and other soul-crushing comments from him.  I don't know how I will ever trust someone again.  I am very cynical about love and very guarded. And I am constantly judging myself :(

 

So I confirmed the single guys fb request but haven't heard anything from him.  I'm relieved.  I just don't think there was any potential with him.  Oh well! 

 

isamama - Good luck with your not-a-date date :)  I still haven't gone on a first date so no advice, sorry - but I am sure it will go fine!

 


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Old 01-04-2011, 06:32 AM
 
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My dating New Year's resolution... to not rush into things and to not say I love you too soon.

 

Which is proving to be insanely hard!!!  I waited until I felt totally ready to date.  And even then, I was extremely selective of who I even responded to on the dating service.  The guy I'm dating, the system actually matched us based off of compatibility scores.  We had started talking in November, but didn't actually meet up face to face until December. 

 

I keep looking for flags, nothing yet.  I am scared of being hurt again.  But I do have this feeling that this one may actually be a genuinely nice guy.  He has been tested by me and several friends already, and has passed with flying colors.  I know exactly how ex would have responded to these things, and it should have been a huge warning sign to me back then.  Meh, live and learn...

 

Anyway... we talk through email/text daily.  We spent New Year's together, and it was the most amazing night of my life.  I have never felt so accepted, for exactly who I am, and so beautiful.  We share the things that ex and my family put me down for liking.  He loves that I can be silly with him and him with me, and we just have a total blast together. 

 

He knows I can't have anymore children and he said he is totally okay with it, that every child is a blessing and he would count himself blessed and honored to be a positive influence in my children's life if that is where this goes.  Talk about making a Mama melt.  None of the crap that ex would spout about how he needs an heir and needs to spread his bloodline or whatever.  *shudders*

 

So yeah.... I feel myself falling.  And I'm praying that this one doesn't turn out like the others.  Though the others never said half the nice things this one has... and this one actually backs it up with actions too.  So we shall see...

 

But currently, I feel on top of the world.  I'm definitely gaining back a lot of my confidence.


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Old 01-04-2011, 09:52 AM
 
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Pheonix, right there with you! (again:))

things are going great with the nurse and I. My new years dating resolutions are to take things slow, see things as they really are instead of making my fantasy my reality and to work on moving out of my parent's basement so I can see the nurse more.


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Old 01-05-2011, 12:14 AM
 
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Hello!  I haven't been on this thread for months, but my New Year's resolution is to make some real headway dating.  All but one of my internet dates have been real duds and/or disasters.  However, I did join my college's alumni club & went to an inter-club mixer the week before Christmas.  I met one promising guy - we talked for quite a while & then he bought me a drink after the mixer ended and walked me to the train.  Of course, that meant I couldn't switch out of my hot 4.5" heels into my more comfy walking shoes & walked to the train - holy blisters!  But we're going out Thursday night...we shall see!  I may also try one of the dating services - not online. 

 

To those who are nervous - I was petrified before my first date, more than a year ago.  But I really just had to bite the bullet.  I'm a bit shy and socially anxious by nature, and for me the only way to overcome it was to just dive in & do it.  And it gets more & more comfortable.  I was also fortunate that the first guy I went out with was absolutely lovely.  I still really like him, but after we'd been out on only a couple dates, he got an amazing offer for a job in another city, and so the relationship didn't go anywhere.  We're still in touch though.

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Old 01-05-2011, 09:27 PM
 
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I have a question for all of you - how do you know when you are 'ready'?  What would some signs be that you are definitely ready or definitely NOT ready?

 

I keep telling myself that I'm just not ready to date.  But then other times I think I'm just using that as an excuse because I'm scared.  I don't really have much of a social life or opportunities to meet people, which makes it hard to just jump in and test it.  My stbx left me pretty messed up (and the fact that I feel 'messed up' makes me think I'm NOT ready to be dating...)

 

What do you think?


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Old 01-05-2011, 10:34 PM
 
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Well, I ended up canceling my non date.  I didn't feel that well and it really became more obvious that is was a car pool situation.  I have been really stressed about some family matters and just didn't think I could relax enough to strike up a conversation on the way over.  So, I cancelled.  I feel pretty ok about it and realize I am not all that interested in pursuing anything other than friendship with this person.  So there you go.

 

Gillian:  I think you are right on.  If you still feel pretty messed up, perhaps you need more time.  I am starting to teeter on the brink of needing to bite the bullet and do it.  You could be just not ready to date and I think that is ok.  Truly, I think it is much more wise to wait until you feel more centered and open to the possibility.

 

I feel very stressed right now, but at the heart of it feel pretty grounded.  I was so worried I would make the same mistakes/choices.  I took the time to learn from them and the time to experience the pain of all that happened.  Now I am not so afraid I will "date the same mistakes."  So that is how I know that I am ready to push myself to date.  I truly believe that a person will keep making the same mistakes until they learn from them.  Once you learn the lesson, you won't need to learn the lesson again (or at least in the same way).  My 2 Cents.


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Old 01-06-2011, 10:14 AM
 
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Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.

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Old 01-06-2011, 11:00 AM
 
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Artlover86, G is a UAV. 

 

First, I've never been the jealous type. Seriously. I get that even when you're in a relationship with someone, other people are still attractive. And I see nothing wrong with acknowledging that openly.

 

That said, going on and on and on "all night" about how hot someone else is and how the two of them were flirting is not OK, though. It is insensitive at best and downright cruel or worse in most cases. Saying crude things about what he would do to another girl to that other girl in front of his girlfriend is also unacceptable. Crosses the line, too.

 

Looking up someone on fb to ask if they want a threesome might have been OK but ONLY IF you and he had previously discussed whether a 3some was something you both wanted (and the answer was 'yes'), and discussed whether or not that particular person was one you both (emphasis on the both) wanted to have a threesome with (and the answer was 'yes'), AND you had both agreed that fb was the way to do it.

 

If you weren't part of the decision to contact her, then the message wasn't from "both of you". If the two of you haven't fully discussed threesomes and whether or not both of you want them, then the message wasn't from both of you. Just because you two are "together" doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be a jerk to you and other women.

 

(As an aside, personally, broaching the subject of a threesome via fb is out of line, and immature, in my opinion. And, if I ever wanted to have a threesome with a couple and one of them looked me up on fb to propose doing so, that would be enough to make me no longer want a threesome with them. Threesomes and immaturity do not make for good times.)

 

(As another aside, I personally would find it less unacceptable for my partner to cheat on me than to try to coerce me into an unwanted threesome by going behind my back and trying to set one up without discussing it with me beforehand and acting like there was nothing wrong with doing so or that it was my issue. At least with the cheating, *I* am not being dragged into doing something I don't want to do. If that makes any sense.)

 

Getting drunk and saying mean things is never acceptable. Even if you say 'sorry' after. I might (but only might) give someone a pass on that one ONCE and once only if there there were extenuating circumstances (drunk is not an extenuating circumstance), it never happened again, and there had never been the slightest hint of other cruel, unacceptable behavior. But, in this case, G is already and often showing unacceptable behavior -- in spades.

 

You are not being too sensitive. And, if he his treating YOU like dirt (even if only sometimes--which is clearly the case from your post), then he is not "wonderful" with your girls. Unless you want him teaching your girls that being treated poorly is what they should strive for in a relationship.

 

It is not your issue. He's the one with the issues.

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Old 01-06-2011, 12:24 PM
 
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All my answers showed up inside the blue box below.
 

Quote:View Post
Originally Posted by Artlover86

"Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever."

 

He was testing you, to see if it was ok with you if he cheated on you. And he was trying to hurt you.

 

"A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch."

 

He was trying harder to do the two things mentioned above: cheat on you, and hurt you.

 

"A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him."

 

He tried to hurt you, tried to cheat on you, and added blaming YOU to the mix to see just how HORRIBLE of a man he could be and get away with it.

 

"Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before."

 

In my opinion you are in an abusive relationship again. I am sorry. You are NOT too jealous. You are NOT too sensitive. He does NOT deserve you and he should not move in. I even wonder if he's TRYING to get you to break up with him.  I'm sorry that it hurts because you love him. And I'm even more sorry that your past seems to make you believe that you deserve a man like this.


Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 01-06-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.


You aren't being sensitive - he's throwing up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flags.  Do NOT move in with him!!!

 

He seriously said that b/c HE sent a message to someone asking if they wanted a threesome, and b/c you're in a relationship with him, the message was basically from you too??????  Ummm...NO IT WASN'T - it was HIM that wrote it, it is HIS message.

 

He sounds abusive.  Get out now.

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Old 01-06-2011, 01:21 PM
 
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jaw.gif
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.



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Old 01-07-2011, 08:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Artlover, I remember the times when you posted in years past, and we were all equally horrified by the type of man you let into your life (and son's life) back then. You didn't get it then, and ignored our advice and left the thread. You've been silent a long time and I really hope that this time around you finally listen. But it's frustrating to invest in responding to you if it's talking to a brick wall about such an upsetting topic to many of us who clawed our way out from relationships with abusive pricks like the ones you repeatedly stick around.
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Old 01-07-2011, 08:38 AM
 
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Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

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Old 01-07-2011, 10:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.



Do you see a counselor?  What research have you done about abusive relationships?  Would you be willing to read a book?  The book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft really lays out what the red flags ARE, what you should look for, what different types of abusers there are, and is, in general AMAZING.  It changed my life, and I think you should read it since you aren't seeing the red flags on your own.  I have recommended this book so many times on this website its unbelievable - but it was a really amazing book for me.  It really laid out what to look for and what to be very cautious of, and when to RUN.

 

I also think you may benefit from spending some time not in a relationship (I don't know your dating history, I've just recently started following the dating threads), to really discover who YOU are, and what you WANT and NEED.  And then, when you re-enter the dating world - be picky.  Don't date someone who throws up ANY red flags.

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Old 01-07-2011, 11:38 AM
 
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Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I believe we are like magnets. We are drawn to what we know. If our mom has issues, and our dad has issues, we are drawn to people with similar issues. We learn when we are tiny what love looks like, and people like our parents really appeal to us even though it's not healthy!!! 

 

I believe once we are aware of this we can change. A counselor is a GREAT idea. I also agree that the book mentioned by the poster above me is really, really good! I read a few chapters of it online for free and want to read the whole book.
 


Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 01-10-2011, 07:11 AM
 
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Yeah, artlover, he's bad news.

 

I have a blind date Friday. I'm feeling blah about it right now.

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Old 01-10-2011, 08:48 AM
 
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Artlover:
 

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Artlover86, G is an asshole a UAV. 

 

First, I've never been the jealous type. Seriously. I get that even when you're in a relationship with someone, other people are still attractive. And I see nothing wrong with acknowledging that openly.

 

That said, going on and on and on "all night" about how hot someone else is and how the two of them were flirting is not OK, though. It is insensitive at best and downright cruel or worse in most cases. Saying crude things about what he would do to another girl to that other girl in front of his girlfriend is also unacceptable. Crosses the line, too.

 

Looking up someone on fb to ask if they want a threesome might have been OK but ONLY IF you and he had previously discussed whether a 3some was something you both wanted (and the answer was 'yes'), and discussed whether or not that particular person was one you both (emphasis on the both) wanted to have a threesome with (and the answer was 'yes'), AND you had both agreed that fb was the way to do it.

 

If you weren't part of the decision to contact her, then the message wasn't from "both of you". If the two of you haven't fully discussed threesomes and whether or not both of you want them, then the message wasn't from both of you. Just because you two are "together" doesn't mean he gets a free pass to be a jerk to you and other women.

 

(As an aside, personally, broaching the subject of a threesome via fb is out of line, and immature, in my opinion. And, if I ever wanted to have a threesome with a couple and one of them looked me up on fb to propose doing so, that would be enough to make me no longer want a threesome with them. Threesomes and immaturity do not make for good times.)

 

(As another aside, I personally would find it less unacceptable for my partner to cheat on me than to try to coerce me into an unwanted threesome by going behind my back and trying to set one up without discussing it with me beforehand and acting like there was nothing wrong with doing so or that it was my issue. At least with the cheating, *I* am not being dragged into doing something I don't want to do. If that makes any sense.)

 

Getting drunk and saying mean things is never acceptable. Even if you say 'sorry' after. I might (but only might) give someone a pass on that one ONCE and once only if there there were extenuating circumstances (drunk is not an extenuating circumstance), it never happened again, and there had never been the slightest hint of other cruel, unacceptable behavior. But, in this case, G is already and often showing unacceptable behavior -- in spades.

 

You are not being too sensitive. And, if he his treating YOU like crap (even if only sometimes--which is clearly the case from your post), then he is not "wonderful" with your girls. Unless you want him teaching your girls that being treated poorly is what they should strive for in a relationship.

 

It is not your issue. He's a jerk. 

 

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.


DITTO!!!  All of this!

 



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Hey everybody,

I'm looking for opinions on whether I am being too jealous in my just-over-a-year relationship. G and I met in September 09. It went really well at first, we both liked to party and socialize on the weekends when I could get someone to watch my two girls. One time G went go karting and we met up at afterwards. All night he was telling me how hot this girl was at the go karting place and how they were flirting. I just smiled, whatever.

A while later, at a birthday party he is talking to a mutual friend (female)of ours next to me and starts telling her "If I was single I would f you so hard..etc." I went upstairs and spent the rest of the party sitting on the couch.

A birthday party a month later I meet a girl and we have alot in common, we talked alot that night. A few days later G tells me he found her on fb, asked if she would want to do a threesome with me and him. I looked upset and he said I can't get upset because now that we're together his message to the girl was just as much from me as him.

Anyways, every time he drinks he does something like this and it just tears away at my self esteem. I quit drinking (which isn't a bad thing), but still went with him when he wanted to go out. Two weeks ago, he got drunk and started saying really mean things and I ended up crying. He said he was sorry, he wouldn't drink anymore. Of course, he's still drinking, so I said I just won't go out with him anymore when he's drunk.

I feel so ugly and stupid lately. I love him so much. He's wonderful with my girls, and we had been planning on moving in together soon. I guess, I just want to know if this is my issue? Am I being too sensitive to his comments? I know I am extra-sensitive because I've been in an abusive relationship before.


You aren't being sensitive - he's throwing up MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flags.  Do NOT move in with him!!!

 

He seriously said that b/c HE sent a message to someone asking if they wanted a threesome, and b/c you're in a relationship with him, the message was basically from you too??????  Ummm...NO IT WASN'T - it was HIM that wrote it, it is HIS message.

 

He sounds abusive.  Get out now.


Ugh!  This!  Seriously, if he is that controlling and disrespectful to even acknowledge you as your own autonomous person??!!!  MAJOR red flags!!  Get out now!!! Just because you are a couple DOES NOT MEAN HE OWNS YOU AND THAT HIS ACTIONS ARE YOURS???  You are your own person.  Don't EVER let anyone tell you different.

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.



Do you see a counselor?  What research have you done about abusive relationships?  Would you be willing to read a book?  The book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft really lays out what the red flags ARE, what you should look for, what different types of abusers there are, and is, in general AMAZING.  It changed my life, and I think you should read it since you aren't seeing the red flags on your own.  I have recommended this book so many times on this website its unbelievable - but it was a really amazing book for me.  It really laid out what to look for and what to be very cautious of, and when to RUN.

 

I also think you may benefit from spending some time not in a relationship (I don't know your dating history, I've just recently started following the dating threads), to really discover who YOU are, and what you WANT and NEED.  And then, when you re-enter the dating world - be picky.  Don't date someone who throws up ANY red flags.


Super Single Mama is very very wise with that book recomendation.  She hounded me until I bought it, and I'm soooo very appreciative to her for it.  (love you S.S. Mama! *hugs*)  That book coupled with, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood SAVED my life. Literally. 

 

A counselor, or rather a GOOD counselor who is very school in abuse is also extremely helpful and will help you start taking off the "rose colored glasses".  Many domestic abuse centers offer free abuse counseling and have support groups.

 



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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artlover86 View Post

Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I believe we are like magnets. We are drawn to what we know. If our mom has issues, and our dad has issues, we are drawn to people with similar issues. We learn when we are tiny what love looks like, and people like our parents really appeal to us even though it's not healthy!!! 

 

I believe once we are aware of this we can change. A counselor is a GREAT idea. I also agree that the book mentioned by the poster above me is really, really good! I read a few chapters of it online for free and want to read the whole book.
 


It is true... we are maganetized to what we learned as we grew up.  You are making the first step at recognizing you are attracted to abusers... now the hard work begins of shifting through the past and realizing WHY you are... and then start breaking the cycle.

 

Many of us have been through it and are still working through it.  The book I recommened, "Women Who Love Too Much" was the most eye opening to me, because it made me acknowledge, that just like an alcoholic, I had an addiction, a problem, something that I will need to be aware of and work against for the rest of my life.  I am an addict to the chaos that surrounds abusers, because it's what I learned growing up.  It was my normal. 

 

While my parents are still alive... they are not people I can go to for support on this, as they are emotionally abusive to me and to each other... I had to learn and dig myself out with the wonderful help of the loving Mamas here, and my totally awesome counselor.

 

You can do it.  You can make the change.  But it takes work, and awareness, everyday.  But you can do it.  *hugs*  Leave the UAV you are with, because he will only kill your soul more and more.  Be good to yourself!  And learn to build yourself up.

 

 

 


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Old 01-10-2011, 09:18 AM
 
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My dating update... Happy Happy!!!  Tech guy met my kids yesterday. (please no flames... this was actually something I talked to my counselor about and she agreed it would be good to meet casually and she how it went, but at this point to just not bring him around the kids frequently and keep it platonic in front of them, which I had already thought and so agreed), plus I have male friends that visit occaisonly and I did not see this any differently than that.

 

I just wanted to see how he interacted with kids and felt like it was one more puzzle piece to put my mind at ease.  It went AWESOME!  DD usually doesn't talk to new people, at all.  She climbed right up on his lap and told him all about her picture book (her 1 year scrap book) it made me melt. 

 

I just feel like I can breath... I feel totally myself and comfortable around him.  He got to see me as my other half, the Mama half, that doesn't wear make-up and has at least one child attached at all times if not both.  lol  and a spit rag attached to me too.... I had DS in the sling and the spit up rag on my shoulder as I was mixing up a salad for dinner, and he just looked at me and told me how beautiful I was.  As fellow Mama's, you know what I mean about how that made me feel.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who does not feel super attractive while wrangling kids, especially babies and spit up.  lol  For him to see me as beautiful in that moment... amazing.  :)

 

I've never been told daily how beautiful I am.  I'm used to be cut down and told I'm ugly and stupid... This is so surreal.  And it hit me while I previously posting how freakin far I have come in a year.  A year ago I was utterly broken.  I would have to go into the bathroom at work daily to cry.  Now, I'm walking with confidence again, with my head high and making eye contact with co-workers and smiling.  :) 

 

I feel amazing.  I see Tech guy next at the end of the month, for our first overnight.  *insert high school happy giggles here*  lol  I'm having the time of my life! 


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Old 01-10-2011, 11:26 AM
 
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Super Single Mama is very very wise with that book recomendation.  She hounded me until I bought it, and I'm soooo very appreciative to her for it.  (love you S.S. Mama! *hugs*)  That book coupled with, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood SAVED my life. Literally. 

 

A counselor, or rather a GOOD counselor who is very school in abuse is also extremely helpful and will help you start taking off the "rose colored glasses".  Many domestic abuse centers offer free abuse counseling and have support groups.

 


And now you get to return the favor!!!  I'm going to put this number one on my post-bar-exam reading list!!  Thanks!  love you too - SO glad things are going well for you!!

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Old 01-10-2011, 11:40 AM
 
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Phoenix Mama - that makes me SO happy! I was just wondering about you today. :)

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Old 01-10-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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Thank you for the replies. Butterflymom, I actually did listen to you guys in the past and left those other guys. I just don't have anyone to talk to or relationships to use as a guide for myself. My parents split up when I was young and my Dad is now a drug addict, my mom has many, many issues.I'm trying hard to find good guys, but obviously I'm doing something wrong.

 

I highly recommend this book too...

 

Are You the One for Me? Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong by Barbara De Angelis

 
It has a great red flag section and really helped me understand my previous relationship patterns and what a healthy relationship should look like.
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Old 01-10-2011, 12:18 PM
 
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My internet access is limited right now..... guss my apple laptop may finally need to be upgraded because it won't hold a charge at all.  The worst part is I miss you all.  Can we have more love on the private wall because I can easily access that from my phone.....? 

 

Anywoo... Artlover I really agree with Butterfly that last time so much advise and love was poured your way you kinda attacked us and then went MIA which kinda stings for those who really took the time to give thoughtful responses.  Dating is not easy and breaking away from your usual type can be hard.  When I read of the men you date I just want to scream raise your standards and your worth so much more.... I feel all women are worth more than the two men I recall you dating (this most present one included).  Why is it that some men feel they are the prize to women... sigh, I truly miss the days when courting a women was something to be proud of.

 

2010 was a dating disappointment for me.... the positive was it was my first real step into the dating world and I met one amazing man (who proved to just not be that into me even though he approached me) this was The Artist and I really am disappointed nothing became of the two of us because with regard to work, family, religion, values, etc. we were on the same page but we hardly ever saw eachother even though we lived in the same city.  I think he had a really hard time accepting that one of his very close friends and I dated years and years ago which he did not know when he initally approached me.  I told him and was honest but he could never be man enough to tell his friend he was interested in me which I think lead to us not being more than friends and I don't really feel I can be his friend because I wanted (and may still) want him as more than that.  Then there was the Agent who was my rock during my custody dealings and we were actually in a relationship for 6 months or so but I never made time for him and was not willing to be on his time line (because I was not really into him) so we broke up.  I am not sad about the break up but he was a nice financial cushion so I am kinda mourning the loss of that. winky.gif

 

At the end of 2010 I ran into a childhood friend who has apparently always had a crush on me and adores me we are kinda dating.... more on him later, I have to run and do some work so I can't expand on it but overall it is REALLY nice to have someone adore me so much. Especially while I feel unworthy..... and unwanted. 

 

On January 1, 2011 I met another man who I really really like but he is dating someone so nothing is happening there he is just a sign that good men like him do exsist and that I am worthy of one like him... is it wrong that I am hoping his relationship does not work out so I can be with him? 

 

Well I have to run but I will be back later with my dating resolutions for 2011!  I have been thinking about it quite alot lately.


"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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Old 01-11-2011, 03:09 AM
 
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Hi everyone. Phoenix Mama, that is AWESOME news! I totally agree that a boyfriend meeting your children is important so that you know whether he's worth the investment or not...I did that with LCG, he's met my son twice but we are continuing to hang out without him around and only plan to bring DS  back in regularly a few months down the line, by which point we'll either be more established or will have broken up (hopefully not!). and as for him telling you you're beautiful all the time, even when in full 'mom mode', yeah, I completely relate - that is SO cool!

 

LoveOhm, hhmm, interesting stuff - I don't think any feelings are 'wrong', as long as you're upfront with the people involved and don't do anything behind their backs... and yes it is good to know there are good men out there who can give you the love and appreciation you deserve. Good luck!

 

I am seeing LCG tomorrow eve (he's coming to stay overnight)...and I seriously can't wait! Haven't seen him for 9 days and it feels like an eternity. Strange, b/c I'm very busy and happy and I'm not thinking about him all the time (like I was near the beginning), but time DOES seem to really be slow inbetween seeing him! I was feeling a bit insecure about it all recently when he was extremely busy with work and didn't call or text much, but then as soon as his work let up he was in contact loads, even phoning me four times one day! And just really letting me know how much he likes me. I was a little worried to be honest that it might just be the sex for him, but he's made it clear he really is serious about me, enjoys talking to me just as much as the other stuff (he said he likes 'all of it'!) and is planning stuff with me for the next few months, even suggested creating a drop box file so we can merge our calendars and plan stuff since we are both so busy and live in different towns. So...I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, we're going for dinner and a dance class. This is really a new experience for me, having a 'long distance relationship' (not that either of us are calling it a relationship yet, but thats what it feels like - god, how do you know when it is??)

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Old 01-12-2011, 03:30 AM
 
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Finally had that first date. Just lunch. We spent a whole hour just sitting and talking and laughing. He kissed me, and oh wow. I walked around with this stupidest grin on my face the rest of the day. I still don't know what to think about this dating thing, but I think this could be my fun rebound guy.

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