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#1 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 09:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter is almost 4 years old.  I am a single mother and we are very bonded--family bed, baby wore, breast fed, etc.  Her dad has basically been my babysitter, only watching her when I work.  Aside from work, my daughter is with me all the time.  He's never kept her over night....

 

This past weekend, I decided I was in dire need of a break and asked him if he could make arrangements to keep our daughter for the weekend.  He said he would keep her.  I asked him what "the plan" was--where our daughter would be.  He told me our daughter was going to spend the night with him and his mother.  He told me that 5 different times. 

 

When my daughter woke up after the first night, she called me.  She woke up in a completely different place from what I was told. 

 

Because he flat out lied to me over where my daughter was sleeping, I was filled with anger and picked my daughter up early.  I didn't appreciate being lied to--I want to KNOW where my daughter is. 

 

Nothing is legal.  Everything has been civil and in the eyes of the law, I am the ONLY parent (he hasn't signed birth cert. or anything).  He told me, "I don't have to clear anything with you.  She's my daughter....."  

 

I'm easy to get along with.  I've compromised with him on everything and have been as nice as I can be.  For him to just LIE to me about the whereabouts of my daughter has really upset me.  (It was her first time with him over night....it was new for everyone and hard on me even though I really needed a break). 

 

So?  Did I overreact or was I just being a mother who is highly bonded with her daughter (one who has never left home before)? 

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#2 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 10:02 PM
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I don't think you're over-reacting.  I wouldn't trust a person who lied to me about where they were taking my child.  It's possible there is some rational explanation for the change of plan, but if that's the case, it should have been really easy for him to inform you, and he did not. 

 

I don't know where he stands in the eyes of the law if he isn't on the birth certificate, but I wouldn't leave your dd in his care again until you have a legal agreement about physical and legal custody. 

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#3 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 10:02 PM
 
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#4 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 10:05 PM
 
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Where did he take her?  I guess it would depend where it was...what the situation that led them to staying there...did the plan change late after you were already in bed and he didn't want to wake you?  Was it a truly dangerous place? Or just not where you expected? Was your daughter upset? I think it's probably minimalizing her dad's role to say 'just a babysitter'. Would you call a SAHM 'just a babysitter' to her child?

 

I think it's probably a big jump to never let him see her again or change the arrangement drastically. I think I'd go with her reaction as well, if she wasn't upset, then I'd not feel quite so upset myself. If it was a safe and fine place, but just not what I expected, I'd talk to her father after I cooled down and let him know that it was shocking to you to have the plan changed at the last minute. That you overreacted and you'd like to discuss plans for future overnights. Because if she was safe and well, IMO you did overreact, you trust him to keep her, so you need to trust his judgement on safety unless he's shown himself untrustworthy and that's another issue entirely.

 

I think your reaction was perfectly natural given your relationship with your daughter, but might have been overreacting depending on the above.


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#5 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 10:11 PM
 
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I'd be peeved if my husband did that to me without good reason, and some would consider him to be the 'primary' caregiver these days.


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#6 of 52 Old 01-04-2011, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all the input.  He is a liar.  Plain and simple.  The man doesn't know how to tell the truth.  When I say he's basically been her baby sitter, I meant--that's the amount of time he's spent with her.  He's never taken her for leisure time....only when I need him to watch her.  He's her babysitter in that respect.  He's never asked to take her to a movie on a Friday night.  Never asked to take her to the park on a beautiful day.  Nothing....he only takes her when I work.

 

My daughter was safe and secure.  She was fine but missed me.  She slept in bed with his wife.  I'm perfectly okay with knowing that she WAS cared for.  I'm okay that his wife slept with her--she was the substitue mom.  My daughter doesn't really care for him but absolutely loves his wife.  I guess he and his wife are having issues and they've been sleeping separately and he's been spending time at him mom's house--which is where I was told my daughter would be.

 

If he would have told me "We'll be at my wife's house", I would have been okay.  But he deliberatly lied to me (like always) and that's what really irritates me.  I'm her mother and I feel that I have a right to know where my daughter will be sleeping.

 

I've been more than nice to him concerning everything.  He pays me child support but not nearly what he should be.  I let it slide.  Everything can remain civil and happy and out of court (he will owe a ton of money---half of medical bills, child support not paid, lawyer fees, etc).  All he has to do is keep mama happy.  Something as simple as telling me where my daughter will be sleeping?  I don't really get it.  Instead of saying something like, "I'm sorry.  I didn't know how important it was to you.....", his testosterone gets testosterone  gets the best of him and only makes matters worse. 

 

This past weekend was a huge milestone for everyone.  And a stupid lie on his part has us fighting.  He's too arrogant to see it from my view--a mother's view.  Our daughter has only known one home.  She's slept with me every night since birth.  Although I desperately did need a break, it wasn't the easiest thing to do.  And to wake up in the morning and discover the lie?  Well, it just set me off.

 

He's a control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc.  If I spent the night somewhere with our daughter and didn't inform him, I'd have hell to pay with him.  He's scared away 2 potential dates of mine---showed up at their job and threatened them to stay away from me and his daughter.  He denies it and "I'm crazy".....but two completely different dates saying the same thing?  Anyway, the point is...I give him the "respect" of giving him play-by-play's concerning our daughter.  But according to him, he doesn't need to do the same.  This is MY baby, you know?  He's never been a "parent".  Everything has been on me all these years...and I'm okay with that.  So, the first time I wave the white flag and need a break...I'd at least like to know where my child is sleeping.  But maybe I did over-react.  He'll never apologize.  If I was wrong, I will apologize and make the waters calm again.

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#7 of 52 Old 01-05-2011, 06:04 AM
 
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I'm having trouble getting past the "just a babysitter" remark and thinking about your reaction. My husband watches our kids when I work, but he's certainly not "just a babysitter." And when my step-daughter was little we arranged the custody schedule around her mom's work schedule for mom's convenience because we had that flexibility and she didn't... but my husband certainly was not "just a babysitter." Watching her at a time that is convenient for you doesn't make him a bad dad, in my opinion... and taking on daily responsibility for a child who he has no legal responsibility to certainly doesn't make him a bad dad either. 

 

So I don't know whether you over-reacted because I'm having a hard time understanding what his role really is in your daughter's life, from her perspective and from his. Does he care for her every day? Has he been doing it for four years? 

 

And, like others, it would help to know where they did sleep... there's a big difference between "he left her with his friend's wife who she's never met while they went out drinking all night" and "they ended up staying at his sister's house because she was having so much fun playing with her cousins and didn't want to leave."


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#8 of 52 Old 01-05-2011, 07:56 AM
 
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If he's just your babysitter - how much do you pay him to watch your child?

 

Seriously - he's her father. Once the legalities come into play, he will not be required to tell you where he takes the child.

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#9 of 52 Old 01-05-2011, 08:06 AM
 
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Well, I can see both sides.  If he is actually spending every day with her while you work, it seems he is involved with her life to a pretty strong degree, no?  So despite not having overnights, he is acting as her father.  Is there a reason he is not on the birth certificate?  My dp certainly doesn't have to tell his ex where we are during our time with her, although we do let her know for the most part if we will be out of town and vice versa with her.  But, she trusts him with dsd so it is not an issue really. 

 

I can see why you were upset not knowing where your dd was-I would be too if I felt I was lied to about my childrens' whereabouts.  Since this was the first overnight, I think it would have gone a long way to show respect to you to let you know what they were doing and where they were, even with just a quick text, but in the future, no, I don't feel like he would have to necessarily tell you what they are up to when it is his time with his daughter, assuming he really is an involved parent.

 

So yes, you may have overreacted slighlty, and yes, you are just acting like a mother :)   Would he respond to respectfully asking if you could be informed if dd is not going to be staying where he initially told you? Are you guys planning more overnights and a regular custody agreement in the future?  One of the scariest parts of being ina blended family, I think, is giving up control of your kids (not in a freaky controlling way of course, just in terms of what they do, what they are exposed to, etc.) when they are not with you.  So it is normal to feel a bit freaked out about not being "in charge" of your daughter all the time when that is what you are used to.


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#10 of 52 Old 01-05-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 View Post

My daughter is almost 4 years old.  I am a single mother and we are very bonded--family bed, baby wore, breast fed, etc.  Her dad has basically been my babysitter, only watching her when I work.  Aside from work, my daughter is with me all the time.  He's never kept her over night....

 

This past weekend, I decided I was in dire need of a break and asked him if he could make arrangements to keep our daughter for the weekend.  He said he would keep her.  I asked him what "the plan" was--where our daughter would be.  He told me our daughter was going to spend the night with him and his mother.  He told me that 5 different times. 

 

When my daughter woke up after the first night, she called me.  She woke up in a completely different place from what I was told. 

 

Because he flat out lied to me over where my daughter was sleeping, I was filled with anger and picked my daughter up early.  I didn't appreciate being lied to--I want to KNOW where my daughter is. 

 

Nothing is legal.  Everything has been civil and in the eyes of the law, I am the ONLY parent (he hasn't signed birth cert. or anything).  He told me, "I don't have to clear anything with you.  She's my daughter....."  

 

I'm easy to get along with.  I've compromised with him on everything and have been as nice as I can be.  For him to just LIE to me about the whereabouts of my daughter has really upset me.  (It was her first time with him over night....it was new for everyone and hard on me even though I really needed a break). 

 

So?  Did I overreact or was I just being a mother who is highly bonded with her daughter (one who has never left home before)? 

He is not the babysitter, he is the child's father. Yes, you overreacted. He is right, he does not have to clear anything with you if there was a change of plan about the sleeping arrangements.  It is HIS DAUGHTER, not just your daughter. The eyes of the law can be changed with a DNA test, so that means nothing. You owe him an apology.

 

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#11 of 52 Old 01-06-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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You were absolutely right.  He LIED to you and didn't tell you were your child was sleeping - worse since this was the first time.  I agree with PP that since he can't be trusted and lies on a consistent basis that it's time to take him to court and make it legal.  I personally, would also remind him that in the eyes of the law (at this point) she's YOUR daughter and that he does have to tell you were she is because he has NO legal rights to her.  (Based on the assumption you've not had a DNA test done and he is not on the birth certificate.)  I would (politely) remind him that he has a wonderful situation at the moment and if you are made to feel like you can't trust him with your daughter, that you'll need to make a legal arrangement.

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#12 of 52 Old 01-06-2011, 01:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

If he's just your babysitter - how much do you pay him to watch your child?

 

Seriously - he's her father. Once the legalities come into play, he will not be required to tell you where he takes the child.



I'm not exactly sure how true this is.  My son's father has good visitation, but I have sole custody, and I have the RIGHT to know where my child is.  I don't get to say "No you may not take ds to grandma's house" but I have the right to know when ds spends the night there.  Just like my ds's dad has the right to know when we travel out of state to visit my family - for practical reasons if nothing else, in case of emergency, etc.

 

And, its not like he has to tell me every time he goes to the store, park, bank, whatever - but my lawyer made very clear to me that I have the right to know where visitation is taking place.  So I do ask, I don't tell him "no" - I just ask where it is happening.  If I found out that I was being lied to I would also be LIVID, and may seek to have it included in our custody order that he is to tell me where visitation is happening.

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#13 of 52 Old 01-08-2011, 10:33 PM
 
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do you know why the plan changed? perhaps your dd, if she prefers your exes wife to him, asked to spend the night with her, and your ex didnt think to call you to clear it first. there could be many scenarios that dont necesarily make him an out right liar, kwim.perhaps not exactly responsible or understanding of your need to know where your dd is, but still he is her father and according to the law, i am not sure in the states if it is the same as here in canada, he would have the legal right to do with her what he would when he has his access time. unless of course it endangered your dd.

 

maybe you two ought to sit down with some sort of mediator and see if  you cant iron out small details like this if he is going to be having over nights now that she is getting older. here there are court mediators who will do it for free, if you are in the states then i am not sure what the process is, but i would check it out and have an order drawn up. not only for  your protection, but for your dd's right to be supported financially by her father,should he be in a position to afford it. you can not get an family order here without c/s being addressed and dealt with.

 

good luck to you

 

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#14 of 52 Old 01-08-2011, 11:03 PM
 
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i dunno. if he is "just a babysitter" then what would you do if it was any other person... figure out if you still trusted this person and kept them on or decided that they were more than likely to do it again and fire them. imo the way you scolded him about his child sleeping over somewhere safe is probably just going to make him "defy" you and more likely to do it again. so i guess you can figure out if you want to deal with that or not.


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#15 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 07:35 AM
 
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"He's a control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc."

 

If you truly believe this, then MOVE. It's a real pity that you took money from him, and even more of a pity that you used him for childcare, but you can't undo those mistakes. What you CAN do is find a way out of this dynamic. Can you provoke him into a public display of temper and get a restraining order? Or will it be sufficient to tell him that you've gotten a great job offer 100 miles away, won't need any support anymore, looking forward to sending DD for visits as usual, and then you just never do? You know this guy, so you know best what will work. Perhaps a lawyer sending him a letter explaining how much he'll owe in back support if he establishes legal paternity? 

 

Bottom line: if he's an abuser, he has no place in your child's life, and you need to become independent of him ASAP. 

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#16 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmmm.  Well, I appreciate all the input.  I guess it's hard for outsiders to fully grasp our particular situation.  I've talked to several mom's and they all support my side of this.  I didn't care where he had her, I just wanted to know where my child would be sleeping. 

 

He is an active dad.  He does keep her when I'm working.  He does give me a small portion of child support.  That doesn't make him a good dad.  His idea of "fatherhood" is to sit on his butt and watch the women in his life take care of his daughter. 

 

One my right hand, I can count how many times I've had a sitter and gone out for a "girl's night out" since becoming a mother.  On my left hand, I can count how many times he's given his daughter a bath.  Pathetic, no?  So, although he's "with" our daughter, he doesn't care for her.  His wife takes care of our daughter.  My daughter loves his wife and I'm happy that they have a wonderful relationship.  She has more of a relationship with his wife than she does with him. 

 

I told him I didn't care where my daughter was over the weekend.  I specifically asked him where she would be.  He specifically told me 5 different times where my child would be.  He lied and did whatever he wanted to do.  That's not cool with this mama.  Sorry.  9 out of 10 mom's agree with me (not on this site but in real life).  But I do appreciate all of your input, gives me a different perspective to think about.   

 

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#17 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 02:30 PM
 
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So what you really wanted was validation of your opinion, oops! Probably 9 out of 10 people in real life agree with you, because they are your friends.  The nice thing about a forum is that we don't 'know' you and we're giving you a real world opinion.

 

Personally, from what you've presented here, it sounds like you would one hard person to co-parent with. Constantly belittling your co-parent's inputs into your daughters life. Unless you are there every moment with them, I cannot imagine you have very much insight into what goes on when he has her.

 

To me as an outsider, the fact that he takes her, pay child support (no matter how small), and makes her a part of his life shows that he committed to his daughter. I'm sure a court would see it the same way, and many people here would love to have as much support from their child's father/mother as well as the step-parent.  


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#18 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 02:48 PM
 
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I guess my feeling is that he isn't just a babysitter, he's the dad, and so long as he didn't take her somewhere irresponsible, which it sounds like he didn't, it should be OK.  She was safe in his care, and it seems like his plans could change and that shouldn't be a problem, so long as he is responsbile about where he takes her.  Even if he just changes his mind.

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#19 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 02:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyClark View Post

 

To me as an outsider, the fact that he takes her, pay child support (no matter how small), and makes her a part of his life shows that he committed to his daughter. I'm sure a court would see it the same way, and many people here would love to have as much support from their child's father/mother as well as the step-parent.  


I agree with this.  However, I do believe that you have the right to know where your child is - if for nothing other than practical reasons.  I think you may have over-reacted by picking her up early, but theres nothing you can do about that now.

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#20 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 02:58 PM
 
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Bottom line: if he's an abuser, he has no place in your child's life, and you need to become independent of him ASAP. 



Totally agree.

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#21 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wasn't seeking validation of my opinion.  I was seeking opinions in general.  Even though my opinion is not the strong opinion, I've decided that he was in the wrong.  I'm not a hard person to get a long with.  I've never asked to be informed of where he had my daughter.  This was her first time spending the night with him.  He lied (as he usually does) about where our child would be sleeping and I'm not amused.  Lesson learned.  I will not willingly allow another overnight because I cannot trust where our child will be sleeping.  I find it hard to believe that me--her mother--wanting to know where she will be sleeping is asking too much or being too difficult to work with.  I don't ask or request to know where she'll be any other time.  I went to sleep "knowing" where my child was, safe and sound, only to get a rude awakening in the morning. 

 

If my daughter was supposed to be at my sister's house and in the morning I found out otherwise, I'd be just as angry and probably not allow anymore over-night visits.  Friends or not, most women have agreed with me on this issue.  I don't care if any of you agree or disagree.  I'm her mother and until he man's up, takes me to court and a judge says otherwise, I do have the right to know where my child is.  You did give me some things to think about I guess. 

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#22 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 09:29 PM
 
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in real life and in real court systems, mostly judges feel that when a child is having their access with one parent that the assumption is the child will be safe and the parent will ensure that the child is cared for and not neglected. i cant see any judge having issue with your dd staying with her smom. or agreeing that you must know where and who your dd is with every minute of every day that she is with her dad. it hasnt been my experience that any one parent has been given that sort of power over the other, unless there is supervision in the order and a parent has been ordered by the court to keep a child at a certain place over night or at any other time. and whether he does the work or washes her hair or his wife does wont really matter to a judge either, rather it would come across to a judge as a healthy blending of a new family unit.

 

i too must agree that in real life the people who are agreeing with you are more than likely your friends. or dont have a lot of experience with separation and custody or access and the rules that govern those issues in family law. 

if your ex is abusive or controlling or a danger to your dd, then i would be getting into court asap and having my court order changed.you will need to be able to prove this to a judges satisfaction and it is a way better option than just moving away and taking her from him. that could easily be used against you by him, and you could face losing custody yourself. most judges dont look kindly upon parents removing children from the lives of their other parent or the other parent from the life of the child simply because one doesnt approve of the actions of the other or doesnt like that they arent given updates to what is or isnt happening when the child is in the care of the other. i doubt that you call your x and tell him each time that your dd is not going to be spending the night with you. there are protocals that must be followed in the court system, if i were you i would check into them in the state you live in and figure out my plan based on that information.

 

i am not trying to sound judgmental or anything, but you sound rather like you want to have complete control over your dd, but you didnt get her here by yourself. she and her father do have rights to share a relationship with one another. knowing where she sleeps..... most judges would look at that on an application to vary or make an order and see it as a 'you having a control and separation issue' rather than a 'his endangering her issue'. i dont think you would come over looking like a healthy relationship encouraging co-parenter, at least that has been my experience and was a particularly dealt with part of a course you have to take here when you separate and apply for an order for custody and access. getting used to not having complete control over what happens when your child is away from you. as long as they are safe and not neglected. then you dont have much of a say at all in what happens on his access time.

 

good luck to you, 

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#23 of 52 Old 01-09-2011, 09:35 PM
 
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ps...

 

i just wanted to add that if he is preparing to go to court with you and he could be, he sounds like an involved parent and more than just a once and a while dad.  and if he is documenting your actions and what you say and do, what you say and do could easily be used against you by a good lawyer working for him,

 

it doesnt sound like you have an order in place, here that would mean that at any point he decided he could just not bring her back and have residential custody just because he took the initiative and went and got it. here you would have a difficult time getting her back. that is just how the family relations act works here, i dont know abolut the states, but i would check the laws in case there is a chance that he can do that... it would be horrifying for you to have that happen to you.

 

hth~ v

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#24 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 03:49 AM
 
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I am coming from this hearing it from my recently divorced brother's point of view.  He is not obligated to tell his ex-wife where his kids are when they're in his care, or tell her if he changes his mind about where they are.  I think the OP's child's dad was potentially passive aggressive to tell her he was going to have them one place and then take them somewhere else (if he planned that from the start) but that might be a reaction to feeling micromanaged over the time he spends with his child.  I've never personally known a case where a non-custodial parent had to tell the custodial parent where the children were every minute, though I'm sure there are cases where it's required, though it seems like it would be due to a history of taking children to unsafe places, and not a standard thing.

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#25 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 04:37 AM
 
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Is he an abusive control freak or is he your babysitter?  Because if he's both then you're pretty unwise at best.

 

Of course if he's her FATHER it doesn't make any difference if he's an abusive control freak, since he's still, bottom line, her father.

 

I think (as a mum of a 4yo who has overnights with her father and a 7mo whose father we live with) that your response to finding out she wasn't where you thought she'd be was a very very normal one, BUT that it was inappropriate for you to take it to him as you did.  You asked her father to have her overnight, and he did, and in a safe place where she came to no harm.  You say "all he has to do is keep mama happy" - sorry, NO, all he has to do is build and maintain a relationship with HIS DAUGHTER.  You are a much smaller part of the equation, their rights to one another are totally unrelated to your happiness.  He didn't do anything wrong, sure, it would have been nicer if he'd told you where she would be and stuck to it, but he isn't required to.  Yes, you tell him where SHE is, but you're not required to either and you choosing to do it doesn't mean he has to.

 

My DD has had overnights with her father since she was 4.5months old.  It was AGONY for me to allow that at first, really really hard.  But it was for their benefit, so they could get to know and love one another.  As a result he is a MUCH more responsible and engaged father than he would have been.  It didn't always make me happy, sometimes it made me downright UNhappy, but it has made my DD happy.  She is very close with a loving father, something which wouldn't have been possible without ample time together.  You seem to make the point that he doesn't do as much as you, that he hasn't bathed her often - my own father (very much married to my mother) only bathed me about twice in my life.  Despite this he is an excellent father, and is amongst my best friends as an adult.  To what end do you do everything until you're desperate for a break and need a night off?  Why not let him share in his child's life properly - my ex never asked for time with DD until she was about 2.5!  Until then i had to ask, insist even, that he have time with her.  It took him much longer due to his personality and the fact that we weren't physically living with him to form a deep bond with his DD, but he has, and it is massively to her benefit.  You want him to be the perfect father but you surely weren't the perfect mother instantly and he doesn't get much practice, certainly nothing like what you get.  Her going overnight to her father once or more a week (my DD goes Tues night/all day weds and sat night/all day sun) is not a failure on your part, a sign of weakness or inability, or you "giving in" to him, it is the basis of a long, loving relationship with her daddy for your DD.

 

My experience as a single mama and now a mama with a blended-&-extended family is that for my DD to get 100% of what she needs both her father and i have to suck it up about 90% of the time.  I do, financially, physically, in terms of discipline, WAY more than he does.  But i'm sure that would have been the case even if we'd stayed together and honestly, despite that my DD literally adores him and gets so so much out of her relationship with him, it is worth it.  She is worth it.  Just my 2c.

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#26 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 06:49 AM
 
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My ex and I let each other know where we'll be with the kids - as a courtesy. We both like to know where they are, so that if we want to call and say goodnight we're not a) left feeling panicked when there's no answer or b) left feeling like an idiot afterwards. I'm not talking out and about during the day, but we both either send a text or quick call if we're going to be spending the night somewhere else. It takes five seconds, and like the pp, neither of us really care (as long as it's safe) - we just like to be in the loop about our kids.


Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
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#27 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 07:22 AM
 
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I think my brother and his ex use cell phones, so they don't have to worry about not being able to contact the kids.

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#28 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 08:01 AM
 
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Ok I am totally confused.  He took his own child to his "wifes house".  Is it not his house/home?? headscratch.gif Why was he taking the child to his mothers to spend the night? 

 

And if there is no legal agreement and he is in fact "control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc"  why do you let him take care of the child at all??


Pardon me while I puke.gif

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#29 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 06:20 PM
 
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And if there is no legal agreement and he is in fact "control freak, possessive, emotional abuser, etc"  why do you let him take care of the child at all??



dingdingding! We have a winner!

If he's a loathsome untrustworthy person, get. rid. of. him. Stop putting him in the coparent role by asking for money and giving him visitation.

If he is, in fact, an OK person and you were just freaked out and ticked off, then calm yourself and start treating him like a coparent, not an unpaid babysitter.
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#30 of 52 Old 01-10-2011, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter's dad has a new work schedule in which he's guarunteed every-other-weekend off.  I wanted to initiate an every-other-weekend visitation so he and our daughter could bond and spend more time together.  With that said...

 

I saw him today for the first time in a week.  I asked him, "Would you like to take our daughter on Saturday?  Go have some fun with her?  Take her bowling or something?"  He replied with "We'll see."  I told him, "I don't 'NEED' you to take her, but I thought you'd like to spend some time with her."  Again, "I'm not sure.  We'll see."  I decided that if he said "yes", I'd tell him to just keep her over night but to please, just tell me where she'll be sleeping.  I really have been nice to him!  I've suggested/offered him to take her in the past, offered to work holidays so he could take our daughter, etc.  He usually turns me down when I offer.  I don't understand the whole thing, I really don't. 

 

I must have come off as sounding really bad to all of you somehow.  I don't micro-manage his time with our daughter.  The only thing I requested was to know where my child would be sleeping---just for peace of mind.  In case of a worldly disaster (even though the chances are small).  I just wanted to know where my child would be sleeping.  I didn't specifically tell him that.  I asked where she would be sleeping and he told me "xyz"...only to change it and have her sleeping at "abc".  So, I'm thinking there was a lack of communication on MY part.  I should have, from the very beginning told him that it's important for me to know where she'll be sleeping.  I don't care where, but just let me know.  Now that it's had time to absorb, that was biggest mistake on my part....not communicating how important that was to me. 

 

I've always included him in parenting decisions.  "Should we cut her hair?  Should we put her in preschool?  How should we handle her picky eating habits?  What do you think?"  We talk and discuss how to raise our daughter.  We have a very civil/friendly relationship.  So him telling me where our child would be sleeping should have been a no-brainer with our relationship.  His biggest problem is his lying.   

 

Someone asked why he'd be at his mom's as opposed to his wifes/his house.  Like I said earlier, I think he and his wife are having issues and he was staying at his mom's house.  He told me that he and our daughter would spend the night with his mom.  Then it changed.  I had JUST text him, asking if I could say goodnight to our daughter (10pm).  He said our daughter was sleeping with his mother.  "The story" is that he left his mom's house at 10:30 to go to his house.  A simple text.  That's all.  (Or not to lie to begin with).  I went to sleep "knowing" where my baby girl was (who had never been away from me over night) and it was hog wash.  It upset me.

 

As for his controlling nature...it's just who he is.  He demands to know who my dates are.  Two separate dates told me that my daughter's dad showed up at their job and threatened them to stay away from me and his daughter.  (Two completely different guys said the exact same thing, you know?  So I'm thinking it really did happen.).  He didn't "allow" me to take our daughter to a Christmas party this past Christmas because he thought the neighborhood was too unsafe.  And there's many other instances that I'm drawing blanks with right now.  I can handle this stuff.  But I respect him and I expect the same from him, in regards to our daughter, where's she's at, etc.   

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