Ex wants to introduce new GF after 2 weeks! - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 01-15-2011, 02:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
amberg007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
After two weeks of dating and just over a month of knowing this woman, my ex wanted to bring her into our dd's life. I've been battling it with him for a month now and he won't let up. He threatened me that he was going to make the decision on his own and I am enraged and have no idea how to regain control w/o conflict. My therapist and everyone I've spoken to agrees that 3-6 months minimum is appropriate but ex of course is the only one who disagrees. We have a history of emotional abuse and he still uses those tactics to try and get me weak. I need support and advice bc as sad as it may be, his abuse still works on me after long enough. greensad.gif
amberg007 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-15-2011, 03:42 AM
 
sublimeliving's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 106
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm not sure of an appropriate time because I've never been in this situation. I dated my husband for 1 month before marrying him though. We've been married for 18 years. He may feel like he is getting very serious w/ his GF, but I can see how if seems early. 

sublimeliving is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 10:39 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

After two weeks of dating and just over a month of knowing this woman, my ex wanted to bring her into our dd's life. I've been battling it with him for a month now and he won't let up. He threatened me that he was going to make the decision on his own and I am enraged and have no idea how to regain control w/o conflict. My therapist and everyone I've spoken to agrees that 3-6 months minimum is appropriate but ex of course is the only one who disagrees. We have a history of emotional abuse and he still uses those tactics to try and get me weak. I need support and advice bc as sad as it may be, his abuse still works on me after long enough. greensad.gif

 

 

Re: the bolded, you cannot regain control.  When your child is with your ex, you do not have control over what happens.  I know its frustrating, and not entirely appropriate for ex to bring his new gf into your dd's life, there is nothing you can do to stop it.  That is, unless his visitation is all supervised, then you can say that she is not to be at the visitation.  If his visitation is unsupervised, there is nothing you can do about it, and you need to let it go.  It sucks, and its hard, but you can do what you can do and thats all.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 10:47 AM
 
Ceinwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The cold, crazy north
Posts: 2,599
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I tend not to get to excited about this stuff. I mean, our kids meet new friends and acquaintances all the time right? My current gf of almost two years, actually met my kids before I met her ;) (She was their DCP).

 

I do understand your feelings re: loss of control, but like a pp mentioned, there's not a lot you can do about this kind of situation. I've found that being gracious around these sorts of things paid off more in the long run.


Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
Ceinwen is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 10:48 AM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,061
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
hug2.gif My ex did this once. One of the very rare times he saw the kids when they stayed overnight with his mom (while I was out of town-I have full custody). She was literally 16 years old and...not someone I wanted my kids around, especially reeking of booze. I showed up and she was fawning over my kids calling them "her sweeties". Um, no. Not happening. I would talk to your lawyer or a mediator for the kids' best interests so he can see what he's doing. Especially since he has a history of emotional abuse, a mediator would be a good idea.

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 07:50 AM
 
turtle2who's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: CT
Posts: 183
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My ex brough his new gf and her kids to the house 2 weeks after he met her and they had a sleepover with all the kids at his house one month after they met- the day I moved my furniture out of the house- 6 weeks after we split!  So- yeah- I know what you're dealing with.  {{hugs}}

turtle2who is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:04 AM
 
NolaRiordan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 857
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well I can beat that-- my X brought the GF to the house to meet the kids and had them talk to her and her kids on the phone multiple times before we were even separated. Nice, huh?

 

The others are right: there is nothing you can do about this but support your kids the best you can, answer questions if they ask.

 

This is one of the many things that sucks about divorce that you just have to suck up and deal with. I'm sorry.

NolaRiordan is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:17 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 89 Post(s)

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the differernce.

 

(I think this falls into the category of things you cannot judge. It's a poor parenting choice on his part, but not abusive. I'm sorry for what you are going through)


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
Old 01-17-2011, 02:46 AM
 
EarthRootsStarSoul's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 900
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)

I got you all beat.  My exH and I decided to split and he moved out immediately, crashing on his friend's couch.  In that week, he started dating a girl (she was 21 or 22, ten years his younger).  And the next week, they got an apartment together.  Absolutely nothing I could do about it.  Actually I already was sort of friends with that girl and I felt really sorry for her because my ex is a total abuser.  But I knew that she was nice and would be good to my kids.  Now they are married and expecting a baby. 


bellyhair.giftreehugger.gif     coolshine.gif      greenthumb.gif     read.gif
EarthRootsStarSoul is online now  
Old 01-17-2011, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
amberg007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks ladies. I am trying to realize that I will have to give up some control at times but I'm not very good at it. The last we left off I told him that he could wait three months and I have to meet her first or he can wait the full six months. I told him if he wanted to fight me on it he'd have to do so in court. We both do not want court and have settled everything so far on our own. He doesn't pay a penny of child support so he knows I have the upper hand. I honestly don't thunk I'm out of line because I truly believe I am protecting my daughter. Even if I'm over protective, id rather be that than not protective enough.
amberg007 is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 08:33 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

Thanks ladies. I am trying to realize that I will have to give up some control at times but I'm not very good at it. The last we left off I told him that he could wait three months and I have to meet her first or he can wait the full six months. I told him if he wanted to fight me on it he'd have to do so in court. We both do not want court and have settled everything so far on our own. He doesn't pay a penny of child support so he knows I have the upper hand. I honestly don't thunk I'm out of line because I truly believe I am protecting my daughter. Even if I'm over protective, id rather be that than not protective enough.


Well, I hate to break it to you, but you putting these types of conditions on this, and threatening him with legal action makes you look like the controlling abuser - NOT the other way around.  Additionally, clauses such as the one you are looking for, are not generally put into custody decree's unless the parties AGREE to them, and even then they are very difficult to enforce, b/c of the restriction they place on parents. 

 

If he's not paying child support, why don't you file for it?  I mean, going to court sucks and you might have a very good reason not to, but if you're threatening with court you might as well go.  Just not over when your dd meets his girlfriend - unless you have distinctive proof that she's a drug dealer who is doing drugs when she's standing right next to your dd. 

 

Also, whats to say she hasn't already met his gf?  If he has unsupervised time with her, theres no telling what he is doing with her - and by placing limits on his time with her (especially without any legal right to do so) you are setting the stage for him to be dishonest with you, and for him to ask your dd to be dishonest with you (I'm sorry, I don't recall how old your dd is - if she's not yet verbal then you really don't know whats going on).  Fighting over this is just not worth it.  I know its hard to realize, and its hard to let go, but in split families its necessary.

 

ETA - you really have no right to meet her first, sorry.  That won't be upheld either in court, and will make you look controlling - not exactly the image you want to portray.  If you get to meet her, thats good but you need to be painfully nice.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
Old 01-20-2011, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
amberg007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser. And while I am listening to what people tell me about the courts, I still believe that as her mother and primary caregiver, it's my responsibility to protect her to the greatest extent possible and I will ALWAYS do that. IMO I have EVERY right to know who is in my child's life and I would rather be over protective than no protective enough. Fortunately my ex, although emotionally abusive toward me, is more or less a caring and conscious parent and has not gone against me on this. Tbh I think that he agrees with me that it's way too soon but just keeps revisiting the idea because it's what is convenient for him. I also suspect pressure coming from the GF because on one day he will see eye to eye with me and on the next he's pushing the introduction again. All I know is my daughter is my world and I'm not taking any chances with her. The psychologist reccomends 3-6 months minimum and that's what I'm going with. He won't take me to court and I don't want to go. I just said that to make him stop trying. And it worked so far. Luckily my daughter is very verbal and always tells me about her days so I will find out if he goes behind my back.

 

amberg007 is offline  
Old 01-21-2011, 07:28 AM
 
Ceinwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The cold, crazy north
Posts: 2,599
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Trust me, I'm as ferociously protective as the next single mama, maybe even a bit close to the 'unreasonable' edge... I really do believe that you're setting yourself up for a bad dynamic here.

 

Does your ex have the right to meet everyone you're bringing into your daughter's life? Do you have the same time restrictions? If you believe he's a decent parent, you really need to allow him the room to make some of these decisions. Also, if your daughter is verbal and precocious - she'll be able to tell you if something is wrong.

 

Finally, about the psychiatrist/therapist - you'll get differing opinions from everyone. Mine recommended easy, smooth introductions for everyone in my dd's lives. Treat them as friends, acquaintances... making a bigger deal about it does just that - puts emphasis on the relationship before there even is one there.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser. And while I am listening to what people tell me about the courts, I still believe that as her mother and primary caregiver, it's my responsibility to protect her to the greatest extent possible and I will ALWAYS do that. IMO I have EVERY right to know who is in my child's life and I would rather be over protective than no protective enough. Fortunately my ex, although emotionally abusive toward me, is more or less a caring and conscious parent and has not gone against me on this. Tbh I think that he agrees with me that it's way too soon but just keeps revisiting the idea because it's what is convenient for him. I also suspect pressure coming from the GF because on one day he will see eye to eye with me and on the next he's pushing the introduction again. All I know is my daughter is my world and I'm not taking any chances with her. The psychologist reccomends 3-6 months minimum and that's what I'm going with. He won't take me to court and I don't want to go. I just said that to make him stop trying. And it worked so far. Luckily my daughter is very verbal and always tells me about her days so I will find out if he goes behind my back.

 




Full time working mom to two bright and busy little girls! treehugger.gif
Ceinwen is offline  
Old 01-21-2011, 08:34 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceinwen View Post

Trust me, I'm as ferociously protective as the next single mama, maybe even a bit close to the 'unreasonable' edge... I really do believe that you're setting yourself up for a bad dynamic here.

 

Does your ex have the right to meet everyone you're bringing into your daughter's life? Do you have the same time restrictions? If you believe he's a decent parent, you really need to allow him the room to make some of these decisions. Also, if your daughter is verbal and precocious - she'll be able to tell you if something is wrong.

 

Finally, about the psychiatrist/therapist - you'll get differing opinions from everyone. Mine recommended easy, smooth introductions for everyone in my dd's lives. Treat them as friends, acquaintances... making a bigger deal about it does just that - puts emphasis on the relationship before there even is one there.
 

 

~  I have to ditto this... and maybe I'm biased because of my own situation.  But, my therapist actually recommended to introduce the kids to my new BF as friends too... and we have only been dating a month.  I think there are definitely different scales of what is appropriate or not and when in a relationship... I'm sure the kids ages play a part as well.  Every single family and family dynamic is different.

 

Instead of pushing ex on certain arbritary deadlines of when he can introduce someone to the kids... why not work on appropriate guidelines for how to introduce/what sort of PDA's take place in front of the children.  I have to agree it's controlling to tell an ex when and whom they can intro to their own kids. 

 

I originally did have that in my parenting plan, and I took it out, because I thought about it, and it was going to open a whole can of worms of control issues.  And believe me, my ex is a serious verbal/emotional abuser, so I know where you are coming from.

 

But life does get easier once you let go of the things you seriously cannot control.  Try to find some medium road to work on that makes you feel better about the situation, without trying to control it.


ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
Old 01-21-2011, 04:01 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 89 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by amberg007 View Post

I appreciate your insights but I am DEFINITELY not a controlling abuser.

 

 

I believe you, but your demands make you *sound* like you have control issues. That's just how it sounds to others. And if it sounds that way to the mellow-liberal momma's on mothering, it's going to sound even more extreme in court.
 

The reality is that since you child has separate lives with her two parents, she'll have people in her life that only one parent knows.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
Old 01-22-2011, 02:27 PM
 
root*children's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: the South-East's Worst Kept Secret
Posts: 2,770
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

((hugs)) mama!  Nobody's calling you a controlling abuser - and at the same time, they're correct in saying those words will make it sound like that to not only your ex, but to any court.  The very first book i read about getting a divorce when children are involved, emphasized the loss of control.  It's just part of the deal, unfortunately.  Just as you wouldn't want want your ex dictating what people you around around with DD, what food you feed her, what activities you take her to, etc. - you can't tell your ex what to do in his time with her.  Now if he's actually exposing her to literally dangerous things (abusive people, violence, neglect, etc), then yes, you can step in.  Your therapist is not a lawyer either, and sure they know what the *healthy* time is to bring in a new partner, they have no say on how your ex behaves, or on the laws or your divorce agreement/custody agreements.  I sure do know the feeling of being disappointment when it seems some things are better because of the divorce, yet some things all the sudden SUCK!

 

 

 

 

 


Mama of 3 amazingly sweet kids jumpers.gif, living the dream on our urban farm chicken3.gif

root*children is offline  
Old 01-22-2011, 06:23 PM
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My ex-H moved straight in with the woman he left me for. BUT she was his old girlfriend from high school so he "knew" her and she knew him and he could trust her. Not much I could do really. I'm thankful she took him off my hands. :D  I suffered many years of emotional, verbal, spiritual and mental abuse from the man.....and I hear that she is too. what goes around comes around I guess.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
Old 01-23-2011, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
amberg007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 286
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks ladies. Everyone's insights and advice has been helpful. I do know that I lost a certain amount of control with the divorce. However, he has only known this girl for two months and she is young. My gut is telling me it is not what's best for my daughter to meet her so I'm sticking with that. Luckily my ex has honored my requests to wait. I think he realizes that I am right and deep down knows he's only trying to do this because it's what's convenient for him and not necessarily what's best for our daughter. I will retract the stipulation of me meeting her first but the timeline is staying the same. Thanks again.
amberg007 is offline  
Old 01-24-2011, 03:24 PM
 
blueholly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Falmouth, KY
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh yeah, I'm right with you. My STBX moved out in Nov, started dating this woman in Feb and had the kids joining them on all sorts of outings. There was the vacation together and the overnights at her house then  full fledged move-in in Oct. I have explained to my DD, almost10, that moving in together is NOT a part of dating, that you can go years and years and never really know someone. I am very, very concerned at the impression this gives her at an impressionable age.

 

A friend told me women are so much more protective of their children. She's been divorced since her son was 7 and he's now 25 and she has never, never introduced anyone she's dated to him. My children have asked to meet my dates and I've emphatically stated no and because until I know what kind of person they are and what they might be in my life then the two shall never intermingle.

 

I had to fight that control issue too because it goes totally against what I believe as a parent and that is to protect my children. I feel they've been through enough change for right now without having a new person introduced to them. He exhibited the worst kind of parenting judgment and I hope that goes my way in court since he is fighting me for custody.

 

What I look at my STBX and his gf, who's also going through a divorce, is they are very sad, needy people to have moved in together in such a short period I mean, really, can they have any honesty in their relationship that they have emotionally left their marriages? Absolutely not. But whatever their baggage, it's my children who will have to bear the fall out and, subsquently, me in taking care of them.

 

((hugs, mama))

blueholly is offline  
Old 01-24-2011, 03:32 PM
 
babygirlie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 855
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think it's disgusting. *hugs* I'm so sorry. I, personally, think you should wait a year before introducing. I mean this is the women he is cheating on them with. Why on earth should they be subjected to that abuse.

babygirlie is offline  
Old 01-26-2011, 08:30 PM
 
mdmomof3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Ok well everyone I think my story will shock you all . . My fiance of two years . . boyfriend for another 6 has been talking to my best friend of 2 years behind my back for 2 months.  We have 3 kids together ages 5, 3 and 2 . . She is known by my kids as Auntie . . He ended it with me and left us the same day and moved in with her ON THE SAME DAY. . I am a SAHM . . He is allowing us to stay in the house and pay all the bills, but he thinks its ok to bring the kids over there already it's been 3 weeks, he says its ok for them to come there cause they already know her . . yea as their auntie not daddy's new girlfriend . . Oh and to top it off my best friend was just getting a divorce and her ex is my ex's best friend . . My oldest daughter 5yrs old, said well if daddy moved there why didnt he move here . . umm cause we don't just swap men like that . . i hate him for bringing them around her already . . this could be a rebound relationship for the both of them . . how do they know it will work out . . they have been living together for only 3 weeks, does he think he is gonna introduce them to every girlfriend he gets within the first few weeks . . the kids haven't even been properly told by the both of us what is going on.  I am so shocked, upset and betrayed over this, why do we have to rush the kids over there  . . he can come here to see his kids until they get used to mommy and daddy time another thing that pisses me off is that I am taking care of them all on my own, why does he get to have her help him . . he needs to parent on his own . .

mdmomof3 is offline  
Old 01-27-2011, 11:49 AM
 
babygirlie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 855
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

BTW, I don't think you are controlling at all but doing what's right. You absolutly have the RIGHT to know who your kids are with!! She could be a child molester for all you know. She could be an ID theft using their names to shop.. Who  knows! 

babygirlie is offline  
Old 02-09-2011, 06:12 PM
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post

I think it's disgusting. *hugs* I'm so sorry. I, personally, think you should wait a year before introducing. I mean this is the women he is cheating on them with. Why on earth should they be subjected to that abuse.



I don't see it as abuse. It was MORE abusive to my children to see their father and I living together and arguing and never happy day after day. IMO, it's a (sad) part of life for some people to have to go through divorce. No, I didn't want to divorce or have my ex leave me for an old flame but it happened. Not much I could do about it but accept it and keeping my kids from their father just because she was going to be around them wasn't an option for me. I wanted my kids around him and I'm all about peace and not arguing with anyone, even my ex. I didn't see the point. His wrongdoings will be taken up by a higher power. It's not up to me in this time to do it. :-)


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
Old 02-09-2011, 06:15 PM
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post

BTW, I don't think you are controlling at all but doing what's right. You absolutly have the RIGHT to know who your kids are with!! She could be a child molester for all you know. She could be an ID theft using their names to shop.. Who  knows! 



That part is very important! I do agree with checking people out, but you have to get to a point where you trust that your ex has gotten to know the person enough to know whether they would be this way and is going to watch your children him/herself so that the children are never alone with the new person in their life. This is something I struggle with ALL the time now that I am back out in the dating world. I am so scared I will pick a guy that seems great to me and normal and he turns out to be something bad. :-(  It's scary. You hear stories of it allt he time. When it's not "their" children it's much easier for someone to abuse a child. Very scary.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 04:06 PM
 
SabraMamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 574
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

When my x and I split he started dating his students (he is a professor) and the kids met a few of them. I remember one time running into him and a young girl in the grocery store parking lot with the kids and my DD, 7 yrs old at the time, asked how many girlfriends her daddy had. One girl started spending the night "as friends" which IMO is just opening up a whole bag of mixed signals. There were so many things that I did not agree with. After only 2 or 3 months my kids were meeting the new gf's family- spending time at their house with all the extended family. i have to say that I can find sooooo many things wrong with the scenarios- students, huge age differences, quick time frame in introducing the kids, introducing as friends when the reality is that it's much more and on and on---- but there is nothing I can do about it other than do my best to set a good example and keep an open line of communication with my kids. X has been with one girl now, was a student when they started dating as was his pattern, for 2 years. she has since graduated and moved in with him and when the kids go to visit she is there and they even go on "family" trips to visit her parents. it drives me crazy but as many have said- you lose that control when you get divorced. just hope that the new girls/women are good to your kids and treat them well and that is really the best thing. and make sure that DC's feel comfortable speaking to you about their time with x.

SabraMamma is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 12:31 AM
 
fawnanddoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Elgin, TX
Posts: 575
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Sorry if this has been said already, I didn't read all of the responses. Could you possibly have your ex speak with your therapist? Or his on therapist? Maybe if he had a "professional" explain to him why introducing a SO so soon could be harmful for a child.

 

My ex actually slept over his 23yo girlfiends house with DS after they hadn't been together very long. I was PO'd to say the least, and I explained to him that I really thought it would be best to wait 6 months before introducing a SO because of how it can effect DS.


Elijah Mercury (7/2009), TTC #2 with my new soon to be DH! Tattooed, 29 year old cancer survivor! treehugger.gif

fawnanddoe is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 06:18 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Not all therapists agree with some nebulous 6 month rule... just saying.  Your kids are a BIG part of your life.  I can't see hiding that part of your life for that long...


ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:13 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

Not all therapists agree with some nebulous 6 month rule... just saying.  Your kids are a BIG part of your life.  I can't see hiding that part of your life for that long...


I don't think anyone is saying that you should 'hide' having kids for 6 months - I think people who have kids should be open about that up front.  I'm just not sure about introducing children to a person that might be temporary, and I think thats what most people are getting at.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:27 AM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

But who really has the cystal ball on what is temporary? 

 

To be some what of a devil's advocate... (and I mean no offense by this what so ever, I hope you ladies know me well enough to realize that, just would like a thoughtful dialogue :) )  A lot of us here did not think our previous relationships where we had kids and were building a life together was temporary either. ;-) 

 

There are so many people in children's life that are not permanent that they grow attachments to... such as care providers, teachers, various relatives of family friends who may go out of their lives for various reasons, (moves, death, etc.)  Nothing in this world is permanent. 

 

I think handled appropriately, there is not much of a reason to not introduce your kids when you feel okay in doing so.  And I don't think there is a right/wrong time frame on that.  There may be right/wrong ways of how you introduce the kids, and I don't think a relationship with the kids should be pushed... but a casual meetings that allow the children and the potential love interest to grow their own relationship, I think is rather healthy.

 

If it ends up not working out... it gives you the chance to teach a valuable life lesson to your kids, and you are able to guide them and teach them healthy ways in dealing with loss.  You will never escape losing a loved one in life.  Death is a fact of life.  The unknown happening, such as moves, graduating from daycare to school, graduating a grade... all are facts of life.

 


ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
Old 07-23-2012, 10:02 AM
 
rugbyangel85's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My divorce papers and my parenting plan with my ex both state that neither party can introduce a significant other to the children until the other parent has had the chance to meet the significant other. It says that if either party neglects to notify the other parent prior to the child being introduced that parent has the right to pursue legal action.

rugbyangel85 is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off