3.5 years ago my life was happy, sane, and normal other than an amicable divorce. Then I met a man who has introduced such drama and dysfunction to my life that I don't even recognize myself anymore. "I" would never have gotten caught up in this. "I" would have been stronger and smarter. But here I am and I have been sucked into the abuse cycle I used to pity other women for.
We met fresh out of divorces. He was the opposite of my ex in all ways good and bad. Dynamic, sexual, emotive, and fun..I was hooked by date #2. Within 4 months he was living with me and I learned of his explosive past with his ex and that he is an alcoholic. Why did I stay? I don't know. Things got crazy in our house and his drinking became too much to bare. I moved out. He became very nasty. He threatened me and would call all the time screaming and cursing. His car was in my name and he refused to switch it to his so I had no choice, but to report it stolen. The police called him, he denied having the car, but within hours the car (smashed to pieces by his baseball bat) was towed into my driveway. I got an order of protection. I was a wreck. He has custody of his 4 young girls and I had been raising them and loving them and hated not knowing how they were. He broke the order constantly by calling and texting "I love you" and "I'm sorry". I reported it to the police but they did nothing. Then the texts told me his mother had pancreatic cancer and was dying. He would leave sobbing voice mails and eventually I broke down and answered the phone. Like a snowball our relationship came back to life despite all my knowledge that I should be running far away from him, not towards him. I thought I could heal him and his children. He had gotten sober and I fooled myself into thinking he had really changed. Things were great. I went to court and they dropped the contact part of the order, although I still have a basic PFA. It was humiliating and I was definitely scolded by the judge that I would not be taken as seriously next time. We dated, we moved back in with each other, we actively were planning a wedding. Then the drinking came back full force and I left before things got ugly again. He cried and begged and pleaded for us to at least still be friends. I gave in out of a desire not to let things get nasty. That was in September. Since then I have been on a dysfunctional roller coaster with him. We get close, things are good, I loose will power and sleep with him (always the best part of our relationship) and then realize what a mistake I made and I pull away. He freaks out, starts getting nasty, calling a million times, etc and I agree to be friends so that the nastiness will stop. It is so stupid of me. I KNOW better. I have decided to handle this like I would any other addiction. I am going to suffer through the detox (him being nasty), go cold turkey (no communicating), and get over him once and for all. I am embarrassing myself publicly here by announcing the dysfunction of my life. I would love all the support I can get as I know I am in for a rough time. I am in no fear for my safety, just expecting him to show up and call all the time. I know I could call the cops for harassment, but after backing out of the original PFA I'm sure they won't take me too seriously. And I was stupid enough to once again have his car in my name and so here we go again.
As I just read this I feel so dumb. I can't believe I posted this. I'm a doula, an attached mother, a good friend. My family is full of social workers and psychologists. My friends are all productive, moral, and gentle people. This is not part of any reality I've ever known. I really don't know how I let this happen.
As an aside.... my life is awesome now in every other way. My kids and I found a rental house we love, my friends have been an awesome support. My grandparents are helping financially as I attend nursing school (starting pre-reqs next week!). I'm able to home school my kids and they are thriving. I have so much guilt about my children being witness to my drama and I owe it to them to be strong this time!