And now I'm scared again... - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-18-2011, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For those who don't know: this baby's "father" is a UAV (emotional abuse, neglect, alcoholism, terrible stuff). He kicked me out in September, stopped attending all prenatals at that point, gave me money once after he kicked me out (a week or two later) and nothing since, and has not even asked about the baby at all.

 

Because of his lack of involvement, and because of everything he did (and now the fact that he's dating someone who has tried to physically attack me and has a violent history, a record and from my understanding is also an alcoholic) I have just been hoping that he would have nothing to do with this baby. To the point that I have seriously considered not going to court for child support in order to avoid the risk of pissing him off to the point that he fights visitation (I know he wouldn't get custody but I'm afraid he would get unsupervised visitation, which scares me to death for my child's sake).

 

Well, I finally got most of my stuff from him...which was nearly all damaged. I have not said a word to him about the damage (to the tune of several hundred dollars) because I wanted to get the last few things and never see him again. For the past month I have been calling repeatedly about him bringing me the last of my things and, usually, it takes several calls over several days before he answers or calls back...he basically says, "Oh, I can probably do it X day so I'll call you then," and then nothing. I chalked it up to him being a censored.gif and just changing his mind because he doesn't care and surely he knows it annoys me. 

 

I called him earlier today and left a message. He called me back 15 minutes later (exactly - I keep a log). Normally our conversations are only a few seconds but this one was 1:40... among things that didn't really surprise me to hear, he said this lovely little piece...

 

Ex: "You call about your stuff but you don't talk about anything else." (I can only assume "anything else" is referring to the baby.)
Me: "Well, you don't ask."

Ex: "Well you keep talking about yourself so why should I talk about anything else?"

 

...seriously? Notice how after I said that he doesn't ask, HE STILL DIDN'T ASK. banghead.gif If he had asked I would have told him everything was fine. I would have gladly given him details as well, HAD. HE. ASKED. 

 

The problem is that, more than baffled and annoyed, it has scared me. I was really starting to get my hopes up that he wouldn't stick around. That I could just get my stuff and be done with it and that he wouldn't bother contacting me since he hasn't even asked about the baby. Now this. I heard someone in the background (although I would have theorized this regardless, I think) and it really makes me think that after he got my call he talked about me to whomever and that they got him worked up. It scares me that he's had intentions of being involved to some degree all along. But, on the other hand, I think that perhaps it got him worked up but only temporarily and that he just won't bother when it comes down to it seeing as he's done nothing for the past 4 months. BUT, then I start to wonder if perhaps the reason why he's been so reluctant and slow to bring me the rest of my stuff is because he's been stalling on purpose. I'm 36w5d...it's getting closer and closer to baby time. 

 

I'm going to talk to my dad and see if we can just go out there and get the last of it. I would rather not simply because, of the items, there are two bikes. The rest is pretty small but those two bikes may not fit in my dad's Saturn. And then I'm worried about how to do it. I would rather "surprise" him and bring the police... but I don't want to have the police trailing down with me only to find that he's not there (it's out in the country and he's at the end of the road...whenever ANYBODY who doesn't live there goes down that road all the neighbours know about it by the end of the day, especially if it's police). So, sure, I could just go first and then call the police to keep the peace if he's there... but if he's not there he would still know I came by unannounced because of the neighbours. 

 

So it looks like I would be best off trying to arrange it with him (like I did when I got my other things) and just bring a tarp and blankets to protect the top of the car if I have to tie one of the bikes down or, if nothing else, be willing to leave one there (the second one is kinda crappy anyway so I'm not too concerned with it)... and then call the police to keep the peace if anything happens. 

 

Once he started saying things that clued me in that it wouldn't be typical of our recent conversations a few seconds in, I seriously wanted to get my camera out to record the audio...but I didn't know where the camera was, I don't know how to bring up the speaker phone and I didn't want to stall the conversation. Ugh. I had planned to record everything when he brought me the last of my things, but now it looks like I'll be recording all phone conversations as well. Now I just have to learn how to work the speaker phone... and make sure I keep one of my cameras by the phone. 

 

So.... any ideas, suggestions, takes on this? (And, yes, I'm sure someone will tell me to just forget my stuff and disappear... but the bike is my sole mode of transportation, aside from the bus, as I do not have a license and cannot afford a car so I really need it and can't afford to replace it.)


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Old 01-18-2011, 04:13 PM
 
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So.... any ideas, suggestions, takes on this? (And, yes, I'm sure someone will tell me to just forget my stuff and disappear... but the bike is my sole mode of transportation, aside from the bus, as I do not have a license and cannot afford a car so I really need it and can't afford to replace it.)



If your bike is your sole mode of transportation, and everything else he gave back to you was damaged to the tune of several hundred dollars, why on earth are you assuming it will be ride-able?  And if you are 36weeks pregnant, you can't ride super safely now anyway (at least when I was that preggo I was so off balance that riding a bike would have killed me most likely) - forget it, and get a new bike.  I know you can't afford one, but maybe you can get a cheapo one on craigslist or something.

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Old 01-18-2011, 04:27 PM
 
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I agree. do whatever you can to replace the bike and disappear. also as pp said you probably won't get it in good condition or be able to ride it until baby is who knows how old. i'd get away from him-far away and fast.

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Old 01-18-2011, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The bike was fine when I saw it when I got my ruined stuff. I know I can't ride it right now (that would look great though, wouldn't it? lol.gif) but whenever I go back to work I can. The rest of the stuff was destroyed because he just left it outside in the rain with a tarp carelessly tossed over it. irked.gif I just literally can't afford to replace it...like, at all. No job, no money, baby on the way. As it is I've got a total of $50 to last me indefinitely and that's going to go straight to the last of the baby stuff I need. greensad.gif


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Old 01-18-2011, 04:39 PM
 
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How did you get to work before?  Or have you not been working during pregnancy? 

 

Seriously, the only other thing you can do is sue him for conversion of property or something like that.  If he won't give it to you, forget it.  It's NOT worth the hassle.  Regardless.

 

Hit up a free-cycle or something and get a bike that way.  Post an ad on craigslist through a junk email of yours looking for a free bike.  There may be people who have a bike that want to get rid of it.

 

Or, go to goodwill.  Salvation army might have one too.  Call around and ask.  Forget your ex.  He wants power over you, and as long as you keep bothering him about your stuff he's got it.

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Old 01-18-2011, 05:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I got to work by bus and bike (depending on my shift). But I moved when I was a couple months along so I stopped working then and now that I've moved back no one wants to hire a pregnant woman. I swear they see the dollar signs flying out the window when they look at my belly. Arg.

 

If I didn't have the option (sucky as it is) of going there to get it myself then I would just forget about it...no point in arguing over it anymore. So it's pretty much down to me going to get it or letting it go...and since I need it I'll just have to go there and get it. I suppose the torture of doing that will be far less than the torture of these games he's been playing (and I've been letting him play hammer.gif) for the past several weeks. 


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Old 01-18-2011, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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But of course all this just has me worried that he's going to try and do something even once I get my stuff. I'm really afraid that he won't just completely disappear and that's all I want is for him to just have nothing to do with this baby.


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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Old 01-18-2011, 05:17 PM
 
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But of course all this just has me worried that he's going to try and do something even once I get my stuff. I'm really afraid that he won't just completely disappear and that's all I want is for him to just have nothing to do with this baby.



THen forget about your stuff, forget about the bike, and STOP CALLING HIM.  You clearly aren't going to, so I'm going to stop responding b/c its a waste of typing.

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Old 01-19-2011, 07:35 AM
 
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I had a thought that might help you:

right now your bike seems really important to you but  you fear that your continued contact with x might result with him deciding to want something to do with baby even if it's only cause you don't want him to. 

Is your bike worth the presence of x in your & your child's life? if 10 years from now he has visitation rights and your child leaves to go off on his/her weekend with dad will be be wishing you had just disappeared all those years ago? I'd be wondering how a bike that you likely won't have anymore was worth it. i don't know where you live but i'm in Maine and I will give you my bike if that would work for you. 100% serious. and if that can't work for you i believe there is someone else out there willing to do the same thing perhaps through freecycle or craigslist or maybe word of mouth I've seen stranger things happen. 

i won't want him to know where you live or to have your number or anyway to contact you. The soon you stop seeing/hearing from him the better.

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Old 01-19-2011, 07:43 AM
 
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Can't you just not put his name on the birth certificate?  If you do that do you think he will go through the trouble of paying for a DNA test to prove paternity?  I think you should just forget the bike and stop any form of contact with him.  Good luck :)


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Old 01-19-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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Girlfriend, you're still addicted. I wish I could push a button and just 'pop' you out of it. I've been there too, no judgment, but get that monkey off your back!!

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Old 01-19-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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Yes, then... a bike is not worth contacting him about. 

 

Originally Posted by smeep View Post

 

But of course all this just has me worried that he's going to try and do something even once I get my stuff. I'm really afraid that he won't just completely disappear and that's all I want is for him to just have nothing to do with this baby.



If you're truly desperate for the bike, can't you just send a friend over who shows up and says, "I'm here to get Smeep's bike.  Thanks."  But is sounds as though in a way you're hoping you'll get a reaction from him.

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Old 01-19-2011, 01:42 PM
 
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Exactly my thoughts.

 

Smeep, if I remember right, YOU have been contacting him over and over again during the last months. I know, you want your stuff back, but IMO it looks like you WANT to have some sort of contact and by requesting your stuff you have a reason to talk to him. It seems that your dad had gone with you to his place, I think if you wanted your dad could get the bike and even do the calls before going there. Don't you think so?

 

You also mentioned that you had enough with his playing games. But from what I can see, he is not playing games, he is who he is. There is no surprise in his actions or lack of actions. I think he has treated you very badly, and this is why you don't want him to play a role in your child's life which IMO is fine. But he is actually doing exact that at the moment, he is staying out of your life. Just leave him alone and let him fade away.
 

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truly desperate for the bike, can't you just send a friend over who shows up and says, "I'm here to get Smeep's bike.  Thanks."  But is sounds as though in a way you're hoping you'll get a reaction from him.



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Old 01-21-2011, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Trust me, I most definitely want NO contact with him. I dread calling him and always half hope that he won't answer. I would be calling him a lot more often if I actually wanted anything to do with him.

 

I'm going to call him next week and make an official attempt to arrange to have my dad to pick it up that weekend. If he doesn't answer, doesn't call back or refuses to do it, I will let him know that my dad will be there anyway with the police to keep the peace so he can retrieve my bike and mail (and other couple things if ex hands them over - if not, I'm not concerned about the other small things). After that, I'm done.

 

On that note, should I send him an email letting him know that if he wants to know anything I will let him know IF he asks? Just as a CYA thing. This was something I was originally intending on doing months ago (but then the "getting my stuff" thing got dragged out)... then I decided it really wasn't necessary or worth it. And then he pulled the whole "you don't talk about anything else" BS, so I'm wondering if I should do it just to cover my butt in case we end up in court. I'm totally open to opinions and suggestions on this because I'm really not sure.

 

For the question about not listing him on the birth certificate, I absolutely will not be doing that. IF I file for child support he will still have to sign the acknowledgement of paternity or request a DNA test. So I've got nothing to gain by listing him and everything to lose (it would give him certain rights). If I don't file for child support then him not being listed will make it a lot harder for him to fight for custody or visitation, which is THE reason why I probably won't be filing for child support. I'm hoping that he will view it as too big of a hassle and not bother with it.

 

I told him that I was leaving my parents' house in a couple weeks. He didn't ask where I was moving...thankfully, because I haven't come up with an answer yet, haha. My family knows that, as far as he is concerned, I'm not living here. They also know that after next week if he calls the house phone (which is where he's calling me back) they are to answer and tell him that I've moved and that I said if he needs to contact me he can email me (which he probably won't do). 

 

farmergirl, thank you SO much for the generous offer! I'm in Texas, though, so it's not very feasible. lol Thank you so much, though!!! :) 


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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Old 01-21-2011, 01:19 PM
 
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OK ... SERIOUSLY !!!!!!! After everyone else's posts and you STILL wan to go get the bike ??????  LEAVE IT THERE !!!!!   It is not worth it ... let it go ... and I have to agree with a few others, I think  you are still somewhat hanging on. Possibly thinking if he sees you that big and preggo when you go out there , he may miraculously change his mind and say "Oh I love you, what was I thinking, I want to be together again and raise this baby". I'm not being mean, but it's just strange to me. If I were truly that concerned about not wanting him to have anything to do with the baby, I'd be willing to leave alot more than a stinking bike. You can get a job after the baby is born .... Where are you living and how are you paying for anything ? Can I ask why you quit your job when you got pregnant?

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Old 01-21-2011, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK ... SERIOUSLY !!!!!!! After everyone else's posts and you STILL wan to go get the bike ??????  LEAVE IT THERE !!!!! 


I literally don't have the money to replace it. And I mean literally...it's not a matter of saving up money or getting a cheap bike or cutting out certain non-necessities. I simply don't have it, otherwise I would leave it. But I'm going to have my dad go get it next weekend, I won't do it myself.

 

 



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Possibly thinking if he sees you that big and preggo when you go out there , he may miraculously change his mind and say "Oh I love you, what was I thinking, I want to be together again and raise this baby". 


That is the LAST thing I want. He treated me so bad...I was always depressed when I lived with him and he will never change, he will never treat me even decently and we will never love each other (he started treating me like crap before I had the chance to fall in love). Plus he's with his ex fiance again so even if I wanted something (which I don't) I'd have to get through her... and she's the crazy one that tried to beat me up. 

 

 

Don't misunderstand me. I get what you're saying. But there are two main points: I can't afford a new bike (which is my main mode of transportation) and I definitely do not, ever, EVER want to be with him or have anything to do with him.

 

My original intent of and focus on this thread is that I'm worried that he's going to try and have a part in the baby's life...regardless of whether I end contact right this second or if I make one last phone call and have my dad go get my bike. The fact that he gave me a hard time about not talking about the baby (when he hasn't asked) scared me. I'm afraid that even when I do cut contact completely that he'll make his own attempt to see us and, frankly, I would rather run away to another state and disappear completely before he got a chance to get his legal claws into my child and hurt the baby and potentially put their life at risk. 


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Old 01-21-2011, 03:53 PM
 
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Have you tried something like Freecycle to get a different bike? You might very well be able to find one and not pay a penny.
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Old 01-21-2011, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have yet to find one off of there. On the rare occasion I find one it's already been taken by the time I see the posting. The upside to living in a big city is that you can find almost anything on Freecycle. The downside is that it's usually gone by the time you sift through the posts and find out that it was there. lol


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Old 01-21-2011, 05:13 PM
 
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If you are looking for something specific on Freecycle, I highly recommend posting a "WANTED" posting.  (It's allowed in my area, but double check your member rules- some say you can post a wanted once a month, etc.)  Members who have the wanted item will contact you instead of the other way around.  


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Old 01-21-2011, 05:50 PM
 
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You should not tell anyone he is the daddy, especially the hospital, the doctors office, and any sort of welfare office if you are on medicaid. You should not sue for any sort of child support if you do not want him to be the daddy. All of those will simply open up the can of worms to have him claim visitation rights, joint custody, or even full custody (it does happen). Good luck!

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Old 01-21-2011, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So far no luck with the "wanted" but I post when I can. It's once a month here. Boo!

 

Lisa, I'm giving birth at a freestanding birth center. My midwife has long since met him (until he stopped attending prenatals, of course) but she understands the situation. She knows I'm not listing him on the birth certificate and doesn't care. I am on medicaid but if it comes up I'll claim I don't know who the father is. And, as of now, it looks like I won't be pursuing any child support unless he takes legal steps to pursue visitation...in which case I'll be fighting it regardless so I'll go ahead and do it IF it comes down to that. Otherwise I don't think I'll do it. Who knows, maybe if a year from now I haven't heard a peep out of him I'll consider taking it to court, but I don't know.


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Old 01-22-2011, 07:27 AM
 
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To me it sounds like he would just as soon have you and the baby disappear, too. I bet if you put the responsibility on him to be a father, he will never show up. As pp's have said, don't look for child support, don't tell anyone he's the father, don't put him on the bc. He shows zero interest in this child, so unless you think he's the type of abuser to go to ALOT of trouble just to make your life miserable, just make it his problem to get visitation, etc, and that will probably be more than enough to stop him.


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Old 01-22-2011, 07:42 AM
 
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Google bike collectives. They're out there. They repair old bikes that people don't want and give them to people for free (or really, really cheap). I doubt you will. I get that you need/want this contact with him, but maybe someone else can benefit from the info.


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Old 01-22-2011, 08:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by singin'intherain View Post

To me it sounds like he would just as soon have you and the baby disappear, too. I bet if you put the responsibility on him to be a father, he will never show up. As pp's have said, don't look for child support, don't tell anyone he's the father, don't put him on the bc. He shows zero interest in this child, so unless you think he's the type of abuser to go to ALOT of trouble just to make your life miserable, just make it his problem to get visitation, etc, and that will probably be more than enough to stop him.


I haven't even been taking child support into consideration (financially) at ALL this entire time. I can't say I won't ever go for it, but I don't foresee it happening at all. And if I do, it would be a very, very long time from now. Even if he doesn't have anything to do with anything when s/he is born that doesn't mean he won't change his mind 3 or 6 months from now because I chose to file for child support at that time. If I go for child support I would request supervised visitation. Chances are he'll fight it just to be a jerk, not because he cares. And while I'm confident he won't get custody I'm very unsure as to whether or not he'll get unsupervised visitation. Even if he did get supervised visitation, I don't want my child knowing such a horrible person. It's bad enough that my child "knew" him the first 18ish weeks in the womb, and that s/he suffered somewhat because of his neglect.

 

Ugh, I never thought I would ever let a guy just get off on paying child support. But the thought of him having anything to do with my child is just far too frightening for me. I would rather let him "get away" with never paying a dime than have him emotionally damage my child and potentially physically harm my child. 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post

Google bike collectives. They're out there. They repair old bikes that people don't want and give them to people for free (or really, really cheap). I doubt you will. I get that you need/want this contact with him, but maybe someone else can benefit from the info.


I didn't know about that, thank you. I will look into it. 

 

However, I can't tell you enough how much I don't want any further contact with him. I get it, I would probably doubt myself too if I were reading this post as someone else. Still, it's pretty frustrating to me to keep being told that I want contact when I really don't. I feel like a little kid whose parents are saying she broke something when she really didn't but they won't listen. If I wanted anything to do with him, I wouldn't have taken him off my Facebook. I would have been down there 100 times for BS excuses. He wouldn't be telling me that I don't talk about "anything else" because I would be telling him about the baby every time I had an excuse (this is what I did with DS's "father" while I still wanted him, which fortunately ended during the pregnancy). I wouldn't be considering removing our mutual friends from my Facebook, with whom I have NO issues and quite like but I am still a little worried that they will pass any baby info on to him. I've already lied about supposedly moving. I really, really do not want anything to do with him. I did for a long time. I stayed out there, even after he left me stranded with nothing in a dangerous area in the middle of the night, when he would rather go out and drink than get me anything to eat when I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, when I spent the entire time depressed, when he just abandoned me in Oklahoma. The last straw was when he kicked me out and told me he would no longer be going to prenatal appointments. It was over the following week that I took in the reality of everything he had done and finally saw him for what he was; an alcoholic abuser. And when that happened I realized everything he did to me he could easily do to my child. He put my life at risk and never felt any remorse for it or even worried about us the tiniest bit the entire time and even said as much... while I had OUR child in me. If he literally doesn't care if I die or get raped, and therefore our child as well, then chances are he won't care about putting the baby in danger outside the womb. When it finally clicked and I figured it out my whole mindset changed. What limited contact I've had with him makes me nervous and I avoid it a lot. Knowing I have to see him results in major anxiety and literally makes me nauseous. I can't stand the sound of his voice, I can't stand to see his face. All I see and hear is ugliness, abuse and selfishness. If that doesn't convince you that I want nothing to do with him, that's perfectly fine, but please do not continue to tell me otherwise as it really frustrates me, please. I get that you only say it because you care, I do get that, and thank you. But it's really not what I need right now. You have every right to doubt me, but after this weekend (however it works out) there will be no posts about contact on my part, my things, etc., because I will not initiate any contact with him, period.


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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Old 01-22-2011, 08:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And sorry for the epic reply. lol


- Emy . Single mom to DS nut.gif Ezra (15.12.05), angel2.gif Thames (reincarnated 18.04.08) and DD rainbow1284.gif babyf.gif Allora (11.02.11) and dog2.gif Hoppylactivist.gif  novaxnocirc.gif  waterbirth.jpg fambedsingle2.gif bfinfant.giffemalesling.GIFcd.gif

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Old 01-22-2011, 08:48 AM
 
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Smeep, I believe that you don't want anything to do with him, but you seem to be using the bike and your things as an excuse to see/talk to him.  It's part of the pattern and cycle of abuse, that exists not only for the abuser but for the victim.  After being in the cycle, victims crave the cycle - its why it so damn hard to get out of abusive relationships, and why so many choose abusive partners again and again.  To stop the cycle of abuse, you not only need to get rid of him on facebook, but on your phone, email, and every form of contact he may have with you.

 

You may have lied to him about moving, but be telling him you need your bike, and allowing him to see your pregnant belly get bigger and bigger, you are giving him control over your life.  You are letting him lead you on about the bike and your things.  He is not choosing to contact you, YOU are CHOOSING to contact HIM.

 

Stop calling.  Stop asking for your bike.  Stop asking for your things.  STOP letting him into your life and STOP giving him this power over you.

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Old 01-22-2011, 08:51 AM
 
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I get that you hate him and are worried about how he'll treat you and the baby if he gets a chance.

 

What I don't get is why you haven't just moved on and cut your losses, placing the burden of contact onto his shoulders. He's an alcoholic. He's not capable of caring about you or the baby. He doesn't care if you eat, so why would you rely on his permission to get your bike back? It seems like we are all still missing a piece of the puzzle, so that we're not understanding your actions very well. You make it sound like you are a glutton for punishment or perhaps you're just giving him more chances to prove what a UAV he is? Just trying to understand you better. Please don't take that as a criticism.


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Old 01-22-2011, 09:41 AM
 
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Smeep, I am very sorry, but I still DO NOT GET why do YOU make the contact to retrieve your stuff. If it is just about your stuff and you just cannot let it go - which I get from your posts -, let your dad call, a friend, anyone. It is really simple IMO.

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Old 01-22-2011, 10:17 AM
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The opposite of love isn't hate... or something like that.

 

Your strong feelings about him indicate profound enmeshment, regardless of whether you like the guy or not. If you were AT ALL serious about moving on, you'd just do it. It's so much more easy than you're making it, I wish I could help you see that somehow. Things like 'facebook friends' would not even factor in. You. would. just. be. gone. to. him.

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Old 01-22-2011, 10:37 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post

The opposite of love isn't hate... or something like that.

 

Your strong feelings about him indicate profound enmeshment, regardless of whether you like the guy or not. If you were AT ALL serious about moving on, you'd just do it. It's so much more easy than you're making it, I wish I could help you see that somehow. Things like 'facebook friends' would not even factor in. You. would. just. be. gone. to. him.



Thank you for that statement.  I need to remember this for myself!  So true, and SO helpful!!!

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