Yes! You're sick!
Just kidding. This guy has really shown a lot of gall to introduce such drama into your life from the get-go and deserved a bit of a reality check, so I can understand getting some satisfaction from handing it to him matter-of-factly and knowing you might have just helped him pull his own head out of his, um.. you know. :)
Oh and things with Cucumber are gradually warming up to where I'd have wanted them to be from the get-go, due to his efforts and my patience. :)
He really is trying. He starts to say sweet things, like, "How's my favorite girl?" vis text message and buying me a valentines gift the day after learning, on valentines day, that it's a holiday that men buy gifts for women on. The holiday hasn't really hit this country until the last couple of years, and he has been single the past 7 valentines day, so he wouldn't have really had any experience with that holiday + a romantic partner, at least in the american style of interpreting the holiday.
The point is, he's trying. I can tell he's really trying to stretch and reach to meet my needs even in ways that feels so awkward to him. And you know what, sometimes us collapsing into giggles about his limitations and my high-maintenance-ness and the mismatch between us, romantically, feels just as good (in a different way) than the highly polished, suave, romantic gesture would have felt. It's our favorite running joke. And the results when we are in each other's arms....well. I couldn't ask for more. Not in the snuggle department, not in the romance department, not in the holding me tight just because department. And in the last 7 months he's become my go-to, true-blue best friend. That's worth a lot, even if he hasn't said I'm beautiful in the last 2-3 months or told me that he loves me, ever. There will be time for that, if we are meant to be.
I sent him that exact message that I wrote in post #90 and, predictably, he is asking to "talk about it". I met him 2 weeks ago and he is wanting to talk about it?? I'm inclined to completely ignore his latest email. Or should I answer it with one more firm no to send the message home?
It's my new mental-yoga move....Breathe IN....Ignore....Breathe out...Ignore....Breathe in....Delete....Breathe out.......Breathe In....Block.......Breathe out.....Breathe in.....Breathe out.....
Seriously, the most compassionate thing to do is 'ignore'. To engage at all "allows" him to think it's appropriate to push boundaries as an MO.
mimim- I have been reading your post and I have to agree with the other ladies, i'd probably leave it at that and just move on to the next!
I wanted to also ask another question to everyone on here- so I think I decided to try a meetup with this guy I "met" on OKC, I have never done a blind date before especially with someone I have no mutual connection to (meaning I dont know anyone he knows and vice versa) and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on the best way to go about the meetup itself. For instance should I make sure we meet somewhere and not have him pick me up at my house? my gut says yes b/c I am a paranoid person but just want to know what the protocall is here? I am also pretty nervous about the date itself. I have only had about 4 dates in my entire live b/c I met my ex at a young age! We have had a couple phone conversations so I have gotten a chance to get a better sense of his personality and manner and I am excited to meet him but still very nervous!
so any pointers? thank you :)
Sorry I've been mia from this thread. I've had some stuff going on. Hope the dating is going well for everyone
Martha, yes meet in a public place. I like to pick somewhere I know, even better if they know me (even if they just recognize me as a frequent customer). I try to arrive first; I don't want a date to see which car I'm driving. I'll even park further away to keep my car from being guessed. I also pick somewhere where I can run an errand after, like walking to the drug store to pick something up. That way he doesn't see me leave either, and I have an excuse get out of there (I'll say I told a friend I would bring them something before a certain time).
Also, set up a safe call if you can. Someone who knows where you are going and will call you to make sure everything is OK. If you don't say a "safe word" that you've prearranged they will call the police or come and get you.
Me. .. paranoid??? hehehe
thanks for the tips. I think right now the plan is dinner, is that a bad idea? I'm really only free for evening type stuff and dinner is kind of a typical first date type thing so I think it was kind of assumed that's what we would do. Also i'm fairly new to the area and don't ever go anywhere except the grocery store and library with my kids so I dont have any familiar hang out, meetup type spots that i'd be very familiar with :/ Is this just a bad idea altogether? I'm really not sure now, internet meeting stuff s all very new to me it just seemed like the only way i'd ever meet anyone around here b/c I just dont know anyone around here!
I've met a couple of guys off the internet...each one was perfectly nice and totally respectful. I met them, respectively, at some restaurant/coffeehouse. Never for a meal, just a meet-up. I don't take all the other precautions mentioned before, but each one of those ideas makes sense to me on some level or another. I don't set up a friend to have a safe word for calling the police, because that would indicate a belief that 911 could somehow factor into a bad public date, which I don't see how it could...
Any which way, to get into a car with someone not I nor of my friends know........I don't know..........Yeah I do....It's not cool. Not because they're likely to be an overt psycho and want to do active, immediate harm. However, to indicate that you're willing to get in a car with someone that you don't know at all kind of reveals a seriously trusting nature on your part.
If that's your overall MO for getting through life and you've mastered trust that is that transcendent, then I guess get in the car with him. But if you wouldn't pick up hitchhikers...or stop to help a sex worker walking a little too 'off' in your neighborhood...or invite religious knockers into the living room... or ask for references from someone you were interviewing to watch your kids ... then I would say stick with that theme and don't get in some dude's car either.
Interested to hear what additional folks think.
hmm interesting. I'm in no way a naive person to the way the world is but I guess I just didn't think of everything! He actually does know some people that I know of from my home town oddly enough, well not too odd, NH is a small state! So that makes me feel a bit better but I still plan to be careful.
Martha27, I would personally keep it to something really simple like tea or a glass of wine, because if you don't click in person, dinner can seem interminable. I always plan for a quick exit, and if we're having too much fun, of course I could change midstream.
I've been on tons of first internet dates where we got dinner. It's fine. If things don't go well, you can just leave right afterward. If things are going well, you might want to have a place to sit and talk or walk or something.
Good luck! I hope it goes great, but be prepared for him to not be what you are expecting.
Butterflymom, I smiled at what you said about it being almost as good for you and Cucumber, joking about your 'high maintenance' and his ways in relation to that, as if he was really super romantic. I think that's actually a great way to approach it. Enjoying what you have, for now...I could do with a bit more honesty about my own high maintenance, but I'm so afraid to show it, I admire your honesty Butterflymom - but I guess yu've been with Cucumber a while now.
I've been reading a great book called Íf the Buddha dated', which I'd recommend to anyone who's dating and is open to spiritual interpretations of things - it's not religion specific, the Buddha is just an example of how to be non-attached to the outcome in relationships and not creating 'stories'in our heads about how things should be...just letting them unfold and tlistening to our feelings and intuitions about what we need.
These are really hard questions. And you know what? The x-mas and NYE things I would just cross out. If you'd only been seeing each other for 2 weeks before x-mas, thats 3 weeks before NYE - and wanting to hang out with you constantly, and be with your son for big holidays would be a red flag in and of itself. If you'd been together a year by then and he blew you off - I'd be pissed. But not after less than a month.
And then theres the question of the canceling a date for a business thing. Could the business meeting have been postponed for another day? (I have no idea, maybe they were in from 3,000 miles away and flying out in 3 hours. who knows) Do you want to be with someone who places more worth on money that personal relationships? (That was WAY to harsh - but I can't think of a better way to word it) I really think YOUR ideal person, the elusive "one" would have gone with you instead of the business deal.
These are hard things to think about, and I think it would be a good idea to really reflect on what you want. Your bottom lines are great, and VERY important to have. Now you need to raise the floor a bit so that you're getting what you need, and what you deserve. And maybe LCG is good for you, maybe things are just taking a while longer to develop b/c its long distance. And thats OK.
However, if these things were still happening on a regular basis after a year or more of serious dating, I would be skeptical (thats not to say that things never ever come up - they do - just not every single time yk?)
ETA - I just wanted to say that the bolded is all up for interpretation. Those explanations might be reasonable for one person, but not for another. That is what you get to decide for yourself. Hard things to think about, but definitely worth exploring.
Anyway, I hope I made sense!!
Thanks so much, Super SIngle Mama, that really helps! I think I agree with you on the special occasions stuff, at the time I actually respected his boundaries and the fact that he wasn't the kind of person who says 'Yes, that's ok' and not mean it...he did what was right for him at that time. It was just my friend's doubts that made me think about it... and as for the business appt, well I think it was only that one day that was available, it was worth 9 thousand dollars and future business would come out of it, and his business has been struggling lately so any 'look up' is really important for him to develop...yet on an instinctive level I feel what you're saying too, that 'the one' would put me first. It was more the fact that he didn't realy apologise for it, he just said, 'You understand why I had to do that, right? which left me no room to express how I felt without sounding petty and needy. I guess I need to see if he'll put me first in a year's time, and my fear is that by then I will be so into him it will be harder to leave. I guess the hardest thing is just not being able to deal with issues properly as they arise, because of the long gaps between seeing each other and the fact that even phone conversations can be hard to come by with our schedules. Patience is not my strong suit!