He's trying to prevent my next career - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-01-2011, 09:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We mutally agreed I'd stay home and raise the kids, homeschool them and everything. NOW he says he never wanted them homeschooled. Anyway, I wanted to do this one career for 10 years now - he was all for it until this divorce. NOW "it's a gamble" and I feel he's trying to prevent me from pursuing the only job where I can make a living and still be a hands-on mom. This is his argument to the judge for our case in Feb.

 

And he also says in his motion he can't understand why I can't find a job. Hello?? It's called (1) the economy, (2) I'm overqualified for anything part time I apply for, and (3) I've been out of the workforce for 10 years. So he says paying me spousal support is draining his $75K salary (he gives me $800 a month) & is asking for a reprieve. In my sane mind, no judge would grant it, but who knows what she'll be going through that day.

 

I feel hopeless, defeated. Again, I feel I'm on the cusp of having to make a decision to walk away from my children (4 & 10) in order to make a living.

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Old 02-01-2011, 10:18 AM
 
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Do you have a lawyer? What does he / she say? Have you already tried working these things out in mediation? I'm afraid when you go to court on things like this it gives the judge a lot of leeway to rule with his / her personal preference.

 

I know around here they often impute at least minimum wage to the nonworking parent. I guess the idea is anyone can get a minimum wage job. May or may not be true where you are.

 

I have to say I'm not surprised at your X's behavior. There were MANY things that we agreed to as parents that really weren't even an issue while we were married but then when it came to working on the parenting plan he refused almost all of those things. If one person wants to be uncooperative or punish the other person they have ample opportunity to do it during the divorce process.

 

I'm sorry. Just try to take deep breaths and take it one day at a time.

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Old 02-01-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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You can be a hands on mom while working full time.  It may not be your ideal, but you can.  Also, how are you going to homeschool and make a living?

 

While spousal support has been ordered, it likely won't continue for too long - now its like 3 years max in most states.  Child support will not go away though, so at least you'll have that.

 

I do have to say though, that at least where I am, while $75k might be able to support a family living in one house, it would not support a divided family taking up 2 residences.  I live in a very hig cost of living area though.

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Old 02-01-2011, 11:06 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueholly View PostAgain, I feel I'm on the cusp of having to make a decision to walk away from my children (4 & 10) in order to make a living.


shy.gif  i'm really sorry you're feeling that way, but keep in mind you're posting on a forum with a lot of women who work outside the home.

 

as for the career you want to pursue, why on earth would he have any say?  i'm also super curious what it is!  have you taken steps toward being able to work in this field?  if it came down to it and you needed to defend your career choice before a judge, would you have any information to back you up when you say you can make a living in this field while also still spending the majority of your time with your kids and homeschooling?

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Old 02-01-2011, 11:09 AM
 
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I don't understand why you think you have to make a decision between this career you've chosen and your kids.

 

It sounds to me like you had a plan for homeschooling and a career that you had investigated and decided on and then the divorce happened and threw a major wrench into all of that. I don't mean to sound harsh, but divorce does that. Believe me I had all kinds of plans for what I was going to do that all went out the window when the divorce happened. It sucks and it still makes me really mad when I think about it.

 

But rather than being angry about it and angry at your stbx for being a jerk and trying to punish you try to refocus your energy into coming up with a workable plan B. Despite your X acting like a controlling UAV you CAN take control of your life and figure out how to get what you want. As SSM you can be a hands on mom and still work full time. And there are other women here who home school and manage to work that out if that's something you are committed to. It's not easy, but it can be done.

 

If divorce is anything it's a course alteration for your life. It takes time to grieve what you thought your life was going to be and make it what you want it to be.

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Old 02-01-2011, 11:20 AM
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For real, Good Mama-Why the extremism? The whole 'leave the kids' thing is totally a false dichotomy. I understand your frustration (I really do, I'm using school for my kids right now and would rather not). But I cannot relate to going THAT polar with it. No, you don't walk away from your kids...It just doesn't add up that way.

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Old 02-01-2011, 11:56 AM
 
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Is it 800/month in addition to CS or is that all the money he's required to pay? Because 9600 out of 75K is absurdly low if it's the full support amount.

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Old 02-01-2011, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey mamas ... Really not trying to be dramatic but the "walking away from my kids" really is that. He chose to move an hour away from them and wants custody of them so he can put them in school across the street from his house and then aftercare. So that means,yes, I would have to give up my children if I lose this particular fight.

 

As for career - this is what I KNOW I can make a living doing while also being a hands-on mom. It really is the only way I see to make a viable living. How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on? I have a comprehensive business plan for my intended career. No one can argue with it. And stbx knows it too - he specifically told my aunt he didn't want me to get on my feet.

 

Yes, the $800 is in addition to $400 in CS. He's asking for the judge to let him off the support right away.

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Old 02-01-2011, 12:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueholly View Post
 How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on?


Raising hand over here! Actually that's what life is like for lots of us. Again it's not ideal and not what many of us wanted our lives to be, but it is what it is, and many of us would likely say our kids are doing pretty well with this arrangement.

 

So your X is fighting for full custody? If you've been the primary care giver, and he's the one that chose to move an hour away it seems unlikely to me that he would win this one. Do you know anything about the history of the judge you have? Has he / she been on record as opposing home schooling?

 

Honestly I think you're really focused on this one plan you've had set in your mind and you're not able to see alternatives. I really do get that. And I know it sucks to think about giving it up.

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Old 02-01-2011, 12:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

Is it 800/month in addition to CS or is that all the money he's required to pay? Because 9600 out of 75K is absurdly low if it's the full support amount.



Well, if its $75 thousand/year it is very low if that is the total.  OP, was it spousal support that was ordered or child support?  In my state (they each vary) that much yearly income would get about $1,000 per month for one child (probably not quite, I just did a quick calculation and it came out to just above that)

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Old 02-01-2011, 01:00 PM
 
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Forum craching.

 

Um, DITTO.  and although Im not a single mom, I do the majority of the child rearing.  We have one family vehicle in order to get the kids around in.  Back and forth to daycare, Dr.s appts, allergist appts, sicknesses, snow days. And I work 40 hours a week.  Do I hate it?  Some days.  But my kids are darned happy.  So I must be doing something right.   

 

OH, and I AM a hands on mom. 
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueholly View Post
 How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on?


Raising hand over here! Actually that's what life is like for lots of us. Again it's not ideal and not what many of us wanted our lives to be, but it is what it is, and many of us would likely say our kids are doing pretty well with this arrangement.

 



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Old 02-01-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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okay, so when you talk about "walking away" you meant if he were to win custody?  it really sounded like you were referring to woh ft.  i still don't understand how your career choice is related to your custody battle or how/why he would have any influence over your chosen profession, but i understand sometimes it's hard to go into the full story.

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Old 02-01-2011, 01:38 PM
 
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Hey mamas ... Really not trying to be dramatic but the "walking away from my kids" really is that. He chose to move an hour away from them and wants custody of them so he can put them in school across the street from his house and then aftercare. So that means,yes, I would have to give up my children if I lose this particular fight.

 

As for career - this is what I KNOW I can make a living doing while also being a hands-on mom. It really is the only way I see to make a viable living. How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on? I have a comprehensive business plan for my intended career. No one can argue with it. And stbx knows it too - he specifically told my aunt he didn't want me to get on my feet.

 

Yes, the $800 is in addition to $400 in CS. He's asking for the judge to let him off the support right away.


You wouldn't be walking away from your kids - you are fighting for custody.  You may be forced to hand over custody (if you've been the primary caregiver, and are willing to work with your ex its probably a pretty even fight, if not tipped in your favor), but you are not walking away.  Walking away is when you leave your children voluntarily - you are not doing that.  And remember, custody is 9/10 who has the children - he moved out without them, so he's pretty unlikely to get them back.

 

If you have a comprehensive business plan, why can't you do that while your kids are in school?  Why not start putting it into motion?  Also, $400 child support is nothing - I get that for 1 kid (well, $98/week), and my ex makes almost nothing.  You need to find out if you are entitled to more than that.  I highly doubt a judge will let him off so easily.  Kids being in school is definitely not the end of the world, and being super opposed to putting the kids in school when its what your ex wants may count against you since you're required to work together even though you have custody. 

 

Yes, its hectic, and its difficult to get everything done - but its totally do-able.  I honestly would never be able to handle the chaos of homeschooling, which is just to say that there are 2 sides to every coin. 

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Old 02-01-2011, 01:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueholly View Post

As for career - this is what I KNOW I can make a living doing while also being a hands-on mom. It really is the only way I see to make a viable living. How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on? I have a comprehensive business plan for my intended career. No one can argue with it. And stbx knows it too - he specifically told my aunt he didn't want me to get on my feet.

 

Yes, the $800 is in addition to $400 in CS. He's asking for the judge to let him off the support right away.

 

Lots of moms--that is who the heck. It's amazing what you can do when you HAVE to. I understand you feel defeated, but I agree with others that you are seeing this in major black and white. It's not just choice A: dream career and homeschooling or B: let ex have custody of kids.  One choice is your dream but the other would be a nightmare for you--it would be as "hands-off" as you could be--I don't see how that is a better choice than perhaps compromising on the career for now IF you have to.

 

Your child support seems low for two kids and that salary. Is that court ordered or just what you all agreed on? And if you were the SAHP and were married for 10 years or more chances are you will still get the alimony. I don't think he's going to look that great in court trying to leave you with 400 month in income...

 

I remember from your other thread that you would need to leave to train for the new job. That can be a problem if he won't cooperate. Is it the swim resource teacher thing? How long would it take you to train?

 

And it helps if you answer people's questions directly. Women here have been through lots of things and the more specific you can be in answering the better. But does he know you come here? If he does then be careful.

 

And business plans are just plans on paper. It takes time to build a business--chances are it won't support you for awhile.

 

Can you get yourself mad? And fuel yourself with anger so that you don't give up??
 

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Old 02-01-2011, 01:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueholly View Post
 How I see working full time in any other arrangement is trying to take care of kids, who are in school, and having to run back and forth to get them from the bus, take care of them when sick or snow days or summer. Who the heck can keep a job with that going on?


Raising hand over here! Actually that's what life is like for lots of us. Again it's not ideal and not what many of us wanted our lives to be, but it is what it is, and many of us would likely say our kids are doing pretty well with this arrangement.


Actually, for me I wouldn't have it any other way ATM.

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Old 02-01-2011, 01:50 PM
 
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Not to beat a dead horse, but I think you need to "reframe" the situation. Even the title of this thread : "HE'S trying to prevent MY next career" I think shows that you are looking at this as a fight between you and him. You are PISSED, and justifiably so. But focus on what's best for the kids. You may have to let this plan of a business die or at least be postponed. You may even have to give up on homeschooling maybe only temporarily. But don't you think the PRIORITY is to keep the kids in a stable, supportive environment even if that doesn't look like what you really hoped it would look like?

 

I really do sympathize with you. And I remember what it's like to be there. I reread stuff that I wrote when I was about where you are now and it's heartbreaking. But you have to get past it and focus your energy on what's best for the kids.

 

And I agree with the others who suggest that there may be something out of whack with your child support calculation. I pay my X $400 a month for 2 kids and my income is only $25k higher than his.

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