dating a "sensitive" man - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-07-2011, 09:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

op, it's monday - did you dump this loser yet?



Waiting with baited breath.......

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Old 02-07-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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op, it's monday - did you dump this loser yet?



Could not have said it better.


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Old 02-07-2011, 11:36 AM
 
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I know its hard - it gets harder the longer you stay with him.


This bears repeating.  The longer you are with him the more he will make you feel lousy/worthless/stupid/etc. until you don't know up from down.  Do it now and do it quick!


lather, rinse, repeat
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Old 02-07-2011, 01:30 PM
 
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You know, you have the right to break up with him for no reason at all.  None.  You don't have to have reasons or excuses or guilt.  He's trying to control you through blame and guilt and you can let him, but you can also just say "no" to the guilt and control. 

 

Google "using guilt as control" and "how to be assertive" and see what kinds of articles you can find.  I found a ton just now by doing that.  You could read and get empowered all day long.  You have the right to make mistakes, not be perfect, forgive yourself and move on.  You don't need permission from anyone to do those things.

 

((hugs))


I've read this entire thread and I totally with this. Be prepared for him to make you feel really guilty and to keep contacting you. I totally expect him to go stalker-like and do anything he can to keep in your life. He sounds a lot like an ex of mine I almost had to put a restraining order against. I still get e-mails from him almost 10 years later still calling me a f****** b****** who wrecked his life from time to time. I had broken up with the guy repeatedly for more than a year and I kept going back to him when we dated because he used to make me feel so guily of this and that.

 

I know you probably don't have much free time with all this plus the kids but try to look at "Why Does he do That - Inside the mind of abusive and controlling men". He is so textbook it's scarey.
 

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Old 02-20-2011, 10:51 AM
 
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No time to read through the whole thread.  But after the first page, I just had to come here and vote for dumping him.  It sounds like he has some serious problems.  Maybe if he gets a couple years of therapy from a licensed provider, not a pastor....you could have coffee with him.  Those long conversations are a bit about control, and wearing you down, among other things.

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Old 02-20-2011, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.


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Old 02-20-2011, 06:20 PM
 
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There is something good about your openness to a relationship, but this really doesn't sound like the one. I'm worried how he might escalate from here. Yes he is right to be upset about you ending it, but giving in to his meltdown doesn't really sound like it's coming from a healthy place.

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Old 02-20-2011, 06:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.


He can get upset, that doesn't mean you owe him anything.  The next time you break up with him, cut off contact completely.  Block his number (call the phone company and ask them to - they can do it and they will). 

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT move in with this man.

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Old 02-20-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




He can get upset, that doesn't mean you owe him anything.  The next time you break up with him, cut off contact completely.  Block his number (call the phone company and ask them to - they can do it and they will). 

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT move in with this man.



I agree. Please don't deal with him any more!

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Old 02-20-2011, 06:41 PM
 
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I've read this entire thread and I totally with this. Be prepared for him to make you feel really guilty and to keep contacting you. I totally expect him to go stalker-like and do anything he can to keep in your life. He sounds a lot like an ex of mine I almost had to put a restraining order against. I still get e-mails from him almost 10 years later still calling me a f****** b****** who wrecked his life from time to time. I had broken up with the guy repeatedly for more than a year and I kept going back to him when we dated because he used to make me feel so guily of this and that.

 

I know you probably don't have much free time with all this plus the kids but try to look at "Why Does he do That - Inside the mind of abusive and controlling men". He is so textbook it's scarey.
 



ZoeyZoo totally predicted what would happen if you tried to break up with him. This guy doesn't love you. He wants to own you. A real man would respect your choices and move on without making you feel or look bad. This is why I recommended letting him down slowly, playing emotionally dead, and just letting him lose interest in you. You're so busy with your kids, you haven't been feeling energetic, you think you have herpes...anything to make him feel like he's better off without you.


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Old 02-20-2011, 06:49 PM
 
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The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to break away. The longer you stay with him, the worse all of this will get. In order to get away, you are going to have to weather a storm of emotion. It's worth it. He won't change. He won't improve. He will get worse. He will blame you or anyone, but never himself.

 

I'm in a similar circumstance, but I ignored the warning signs. I suppressed my instinct to break away from him in the first few months and I'm still working on  extricating myself from the relationship 2 1/2 years later.  Now I am so accustomed to the anxiety and tension that I feel anxious and tense when it is absent. You need to get out now before the habit gets really ingrained.


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Old 02-20-2011, 06:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bananabee View Post





ZoeyZoo totally predicted what would happen if you tried to break up with him. This guy doesn't love you. He wants to own you. A real man would respect your choices and move on without making you feel or look bad. This is why I recommended letting him down slowly, playing emotionally dead, and just letting him lose interest in you. You're so busy with your kids, you haven't been feeling energetic, you think you have herpes...anything to make him feel like he's better off without you.

 

Thats actually not a bad idea.  I disagree though with letting him down slowly - I would rip off the bandaid and just completely and totally cut off any and all contact.  Call your phone company, block his number from calling, get rid of his phone number from your phone, and break up with over email, from a brand new email address that you promptly forget ALL about so that you don't have to respond to him (better yet make a password that you literally won't ever remember so that you can never sign in again), and drop him like a bad habit - cause thats exactly what he is.

 

Have you read the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft????  You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to read it.
 

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Old 02-20-2011, 06:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.


The bolded makes it sound as though you're attacking him, which is one of the biggest red flags yet. Breaking up with him is not attacking him. Breaking up with him is making a decision about your own life. He sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. Please, please, please don't invest yourself into this any more than you already have.

 

That whole "I thought you'd be the one person to understand/be there for me" thing is sooooo scary to me. It's such a blatant way to pull you onto "his side", so that you'll take care of his needs, instead of your own.


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Old 02-20-2011, 06:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.



this is emotional abuse.  He knows he can control you in this way, so he does.  It's only going to get worse.

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Old 02-20-2011, 06:58 PM
 
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OP, your update worries me for all the reasons that the previous posters have stated. Please rethink this relationship. Do you really want to be with someone you're only with because you felt bad about not wanting to be with?
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:00 PM
 
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I want to add that I think sometimes MDC posters get a little too gung ho with the "that is abusive" accusation. In this case, though, I think everyone is right on. Abusive men tend to start slowly and build up your tolerance. What seems annoying now might eventually seem normal, and then he'll push it farther and farther.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by just_lily View Post

He doesn't sound sensitive.  He sounds insecure. 

 

 



Gees, this guy sounds so irritating.  

 

I love a sensitive guy.  This is not sensitive.  This is craziness. You are already tiptoeing around.  Is this how you want to live your life?

 

ETA:  I didn't realize there were four pages....I agree that abusive gets thrown around a lot.  I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive.  He is definitely not in a healthy place.  I think it is time to step back from this relationship, guilt free and without worry about what will happen to him.  Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.


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Old 02-20-2011, 08:14 PM
 
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I think it constitutes emotional abuse.  Its definitely not a GOOD TIME!  Isnt that what dating is supposed to be?  OP - you seem to feel you OWE this man something...as in "everyone else is berating him  right now so YOU have to be the soft place for him to fall"  and it just isnt so.   If you feel you dont have the  strength - or NEED to give this guy a valid reason for dumping him..pleas print out these 4 pages of women telling you to get away from him!  


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Old 02-20-2011, 09:07 PM
 
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You're not married to this guy. You don't need "grounds" to leave him. It's perfectly acceptable to end a dating relationship on a whim for that matter.

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Old 02-20-2011, 09:22 PM
 
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I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive. 
 
What does his intent have to do with whether or not he's abusive?
 
Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.
 
Manipulating and guilting people into doing things that are good for the manipulator, and not for the person being manipulated, is abusive. IMO, it's almost the definition of emotional abuse.



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Old 02-20-2011, 09:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

Thanks for the comments everyone. I've had a lot going on with the kids (I have 3) and so I haven't had time to respond to this particular thread. I am still seeing this man. So far things are going well, but he is still a "talker" and it's different but the same in some ways. I did try to break up with him a week ago (on Friday 11th) and he got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand. Said he was being attacked in other areas as well and thought "I" would be the one person who would be there for him. :( I felt bad. We are going to see where it will go for now.


Sometimes people have to come to a realization in their own time, like that they are in an unhealthy relationship. So maybe part of it is that. You have expressed clearly to us here that all of your instincts and logic are telling you to "go" and yet you are overriding those and staying. You've hinted that you distrust him and yet you stay. You've got pages full of women who probably disagree on many subjects, all together saying that there are red flags, but you're willing to ignore them. For now.

You've said that you can't be alone and it's influencing this decision. Can you go to therapy to start dealing with this? The therapist could also help you learn assertiveness skills. Not to be aggressive or controlling, but to learn to stand up for yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Perhaps if you felt stronger inside/more emotionally fulfilled from within/whatever the issue is, it would give you the space to see the discrepancy between what you want to do and what you are doing.

Lastly, I just wanted to mention that he obviously sees in you your compassion, empathy, and even your need to be with someone, and it's easy for him to push those buttons to make you feel guilty and get what he wants. Consciously or not, he's doing that. It's manipulation. He knew that if he "got very, very upset, sent text messages about crying and going out driving around and how upset he was and didn't understand, etc...." then you would relent. He did what he had to do to get you back. If you kept standing firm, he'd take it to the next level. Maybe he'd start texting you how he was driving & crying & hopes he wouldn't crash into a tree. Or that he was crying and walking around and was going toward the bridge across town. Or he was holding a bottle of painkillers.

I just want to tell you, when you try to break up next time, he might keep upping the ante to see what it takes to gets you back. You are not responsible for him. He's his own person, he needs to take care of his own feelings. He can call the police or go to the hospital or cry on a friend's shoulder--what he does has no reflection on YOU. You cannot feel the responsibility of saving him from every real or perceived threat, hurt, or sadness. You do not need to save him, you have a bigger responsibility to yourself and your children. Maybe thinking of them will give you the strength for this.
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Old 02-21-2011, 04:34 AM
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Ugh. When one parasite is busy draining a person, it's stunningly easy for a second parasite to come in for the kill. Don't keep this guy on for so long that you're a target for the next bum whose 'style' is just different enough to sucker-punch you.

 

The kind of crap you're describing shouldn't even be perpetuated by teenagers. Cut him off. Don't look back. Even if you don't do it today, you need to hear it from as many sources as possible, because it will fortify you for what you really do eventually have to do.

 

As others said, he needs help. To try to dump his emotional baggage on ANYONE would be wrong...As a Mama, it feels even more disgusting to me to hear of him doing it to a Mother (of 3!). If he threatens suicide, call the cops, or believe him and tell him you know a good bridge. Better yet, don't be there to hear it. Cut contact. Make it over. Don't 'Try' to break up with him, just do it! Do you 'try' to change your kids' diaper? Do you 'try' to pay your rent? There's no reason for this artificial weakness, it's just a tool that serves you badly...Put it down and pick up a nice solid hammer instead.

 

End it, girl!

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Old 02-21-2011, 07:31 AM
 
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Gees, this guy sounds so irritating.  

 

I love a sensitive guy.  This is not sensitive.  This is craziness. You are already tiptoeing around.  Is this how you want to live your life?

 

ETA:  I didn't realize there were four pages....I agree that abusive gets thrown around a lot.  I don't think he is intending any harm and I wouldn't go so far as to call him abusive.  He is definitely not in a healthy place.  I think it is time to step back from this relationship, guilt free and without worry about what will happen to him.  Don't let him manipulate and guilt you into staying.



I'm with Storm Bride on this one.  Abuser's DO intend to control their victims, and what on earth is this guy doing?  He's controlling her.  In the ways that he can control her.  He's got her buttons, and he's using them.  I get really mad when people come to these types of threads and post that the victim isn't suffering abuse, b/c then they hang onto that hope that things will get better, even though every other person (including those of us that have been exactly where the OP is right now) is telling her that it will only get worse.  And then they get into worse and worse situations. 

 

OP - he is abusive.  GET OUT NOW before things escalate even further.  I PROMISE you he is abusive.  So does every other person on this thread who has experienced abuse.  If you won't do it for you, do it for your kids.  They deserve for you to date men who respect you.

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Old 02-21-2011, 08:15 AM
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You are responsible for yourself and your children.  Right now you're letting this guy come before your own well-being and that of your children.  You are making the choice to let him continue to rule your life. 


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Old 02-21-2011, 09:00 AM
 
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Creepy, creepy, creepy.  Any time you want to proceed your own way, he manipulates you and makes it all about him - or uses his kid as a tool for manipulation ("We had big plans for tonight with our kids and I didn't want to ruin that for his kid cause he has said that other women he dated would let him and his kid down when going places. So I didn't want to let him down").  Someone who genuinely cared about you would respect your wishes and respect your pace. 

 

Being "alone" is far preferable than being vulnerable to the whims of a psycho is it not?  For a long time, pre-child, I too had to have a boyfriend around.  I didn't know I could be alone.  Once my marriage didn't work out, I took a long time to be "alone" (although really, with our kids, we are NOT ALONE - we are with our families!) and realized how damn much I enjoy my own company.  Give yourself this gift - you will be the only constant in your life, so you may as well learn to enjoy yourself.  Don't fill up the insecurities with a psycho.  Believe me - he senses your neediness.  Your kids need your attention right now, and you are in such turmoil dealing with this stalker material, how are you enjoying your life?  I can tell you know that your relationship with him will not get better.  It will just get worse, and you will feel worse than you do now.  What's the point of it?

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Old 02-21-2011, 10:48 AM
 
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It's ok to be a nice person, but you're being nice at your own expense.  You're being nice to this guy who's loading a lot of emotional baggage, guilt and control onto you.  It's sucking away your energy that you need for those 3 kids.  His reaction to your breaking up with him is plain scary.  You see that, right? 

 

Really, let go of the guilt.  Deal with uncomfortable for long enough to get him out of your life.  You weren't guilted into dating him, why are you guilted into staying with him?  Think of what you may be missing by wasting time here.   You are paying the price for his comfort.  You're sacrificing yourself to be his soft-spot to land.  Is he worth more than you? Is his happiness and comfort worth more than yours?  He would not be so kind to you.  If he was that nice, he would have let you go and dealt with his sadness himself.  That's what a normal person would have done.  A really upset person may have made one last email or phone call to say what they needed to say and then left it alone.

 


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Old 02-21-2011, 01:34 PM
 
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 He would not be so kind to you.  



 That.

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Old 02-21-2011, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I broke it off today!!!! I feel much better. Free almost.

 

He lost his job today. He had just started this job 3 weeks ago and he was going to work all tired and worn out and the employer told him to take a WHOLE week off and that was this past week. Then today was his first day back and what happens??? He goes in late and gets fired. You would think he would want to try and make a good impression and go in early even. Nope. So he blames it all on the enemy, the devil and says God meant for this to happen. We get on the phone and he hangs up on me one time and then later we talk again and he starts referring to old girlfriends and how they think about him and I got a little upset and said I'm tired of being compared to these people and he says he isn't comparing, blah blah.....so I end it then. I told him this is best and he said okay, he does too. :) I feel free.

 

I think I am going to give up on men for a while. ;-)  I think that's best for me right now. I have 3 kids who need me.


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Old 02-21-2011, 05:43 PM
 
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Congratulations. You wont regret dumping him :-)

 

I really really hope you have blocked his number, his texts, his emails. If he shows up call the police.

 

Reminder, nice guys don't live like slobs.

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Old 02-21-2011, 05:44 PM
 
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Yayyyyyy!!! Good for you!!!! His life just keeps following him around...er uh the devil does. Hmm. LOL Lost his job after three weeks...sounds like a great catch.

 

Don't expect him to give up yet, though. He'll regroup and come after you again. Wait for it.


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