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#181 of 277 Old 03-04-2011, 06:09 PM
 
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You need to take a step back when you think about this relationship and realize that it was not a relationship, it was a dance of manipulation. Nothing, nothing at all he said about you to make you feel bad was ever true. All he did was look at your vulnerabilities and insecurities and exploit them to make himself feel powerful. A real relationship respects boundaries. A real relationship respects each others' families, and time commitments. He is a fraud and a creep and you need to refuse all contact with him.

 

 - so well put!!!


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#182 of 277 Old 03-04-2011, 08:10 PM
 
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wow this thread has been amazing. i too dated a psycho/manipulator/narcissist and so many of these comments sound familiar.

 

i finally left him the 4th time for good. it took me running away from my parents house and tossing out my old cell phone. creeps!


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#183 of 277 Old 03-06-2011, 09:00 AM
 
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He already had me blocked early this morning. He was up early for once! lol. In fact, he blocked his whole family....people I didn't even have as friends. lol.

 



Block him he could always unblock you at his will. Add him to your block list for your own control over your privacy.

 

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#184 of 277 Old 03-06-2011, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Block him he could always unblock you at his will. Add him to your block list for your own control over your privacy.

 



I tried to do that but I can't since he already blocked me first.  :-/


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#185 of 277 Old 03-06-2011, 04:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes I believe you when he says he was jealous of your life. Makes sense, his upbringing probably wasn't much fun if he ended up being such a controlling and abusive person. But as you know, you can't fix him.

 

 



He was raised in a VERY abusive family. His father abused his mother in front of him most of his life up until his dad finally left. Then his mom had boyfriend after boyfriend, all abusive and they were abusive to him as well, hitting him, cursing him out for no reason (he said) and he said he was sexually abused by one man. :(  His father also tried to kill his mom in front of him. His dad was an alcoholic who even had to live with him for about a month last year right after we started dating....and he said his dad told him he would shoot him if he had a gun to do it with. :( His dad acted as though he hated him. He really didn't deserve that treatment and swore he was past it and forgave and was healed from all the abuse, but I think he was kidding himself. I think he needs counseling and a lot of help but he wouldn't admit to it. He always had very sad stories about his upbringing and always had sad things about his life in general, even as an adult. He would talk often about how he was taking care of his own needs by the time he was 10 years old. How he wanted to raise his child differently and now that his child is 12 years old that time is ticking away and he never had his son in a real home with a mom and siblings and living a normal day to day life. He doesn't have that type of life now though. He doesn't know how to have that type of life and yet he expects some woman to just pop in his life and give that to him, when she sees him living a very fruitless life that is full of depression and strife. It was just so hard.

 

He had never been married but has a child of his own. ALL women have done him wrong and none have been the one that he wants, a good Christian woman and he says they all lie and say they are but they  aren't. I think it's just 'him' and he scares them all away. He says they all cheated on him or just up and left with no reason. I think those that cheated felt it was their only way out. I didn't do that to him. I never could do that to someone. That would have just hurt him worse. I do care that much. But his life was always just so sad, somber and depressed. He would suck all the joy I had out of me if I was having a good day and if I were to ever have a bad day or be sad he would say I wasn't supposed to feel that way and put me down, but yet when he got that way (which was very often) I had to show I was there for him or later he would say I wasn't there for him as a Christian woman should be. He even went as far as to say "in the end" that I disappointed him and he thought I was "different" than the rest. He expected SO much of me. Its like I had to measure up to some ideal he had in his mind. He always said he wanted a wife, a family and a life and even would comment about how my life is with my kids. This man didn't even have a kitchen table in his house and the house was filthy. :(  I hung in there cause I liked him though, hoped for something, dunno what. Like I said earlier about the job situation. He hadn't had a stable job in many years. He lives off his mom and she lives off a small check each month from the government. If he didn't have a roommate his bills wouldn't get paid and they barely do anyway. All he ever did was complain about how they were several months behind in rent, utilities weren't paid, etc. He had hospital bills up in the thousands from some girl he dated a couple years ago that walked out on him after a year of dating and he had a meltdown and thought he was having a heart attack. It's almost as if he lets himself get so emotionally worked up over "women" in his life to the point of getting physically sick. He even referred back to US when we had first met last year and how 3 days after we met I upset him over something at the time and he walked out of a temp job he had at that time and had to go home because I upset him and he got a speeding ticket on the way home. I was always, constantly told I caused this or that to happen. Then that job he had a few weeks ago for only two short weeks he lost because he was upset over me and the fact that I tried to break up with him (that was the first time I tried). I just don't understand him. He wanted ME to be the normal one so he could be around ME but yet I was more normal than he was???? lol Was I not? he had it all twisted around to try and make me think it was me that wasn't normal and he was healed of his horrible upbringing and I was just constantly bringing him down.

 


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#186 of 277 Old 03-06-2011, 06:27 PM
 
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I'm reading that book that was recommended about angry and controlling men...everything you've said about this guy is listed and discussed. You gotta read that book. It will help you sort out all the twists and turns he took you through and help you to avoid getting tangled up with an abusive man again. It will basically show you what a charlatan he is.

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#187 of 277 Old 03-06-2011, 06:52 PM
 
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I'm reading that book that was recommended about angry and controlling men...everything you've said about this guy is listed and discussed. You gotta read that book. It will help you sort out all the twists and turns he took you through and help you to avoid getting tangled up with an abusive man again. It will basically show you what a charlatan he is.


Yup, its called "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft.  It's INCREDIBLE.

 

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#188 of 277 Old 03-07-2011, 02:14 AM
 
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He was raised in a VERY abusive family. His father abused his mother in front of him most of his life up until his dad finally left. Then his mom had boyfriend after boyfriend, all abusive and they were abusive to him as well, hitting him, cursing him out for no reason (he said) and he said he was sexually abused by one man. :(  His father also tried to kill his mom in front of him. His dad was an alcoholic who even had to live with him for about a month last year right after we started dating....and he said his dad told him he would shoot him if he had a gun to do it with. :( His dad acted as though he hated him. He really didn't deserve that treatment and swore he was past it and forgave and was healed from all the abuse, but I think he was kidding himself. I think he needs counseling and a lot of help but he wouldn't admit to it. He always had very sad stories about his upbringing and always had sad things about his life in general, even as an adult. He would talk often about how he was taking care of his own needs by the time he was 10 years old. How he wanted to raise his child differently and now that his child is 12 years old that time is ticking away and he never had his son in a real home with a mom and siblings and living a normal day to day life. He doesn't have that type of life now though. He doesn't know how to have that type of life and yet he expects some woman to just pop in his life and give that to him, when she sees him living a very fruitless life that is full of depression and strife. It was just so hard.

 

He had never been married but has a child of his own. ALL women have done him wrong and none have been the one that he wants, a good Christian woman and he says they all lie and say they are but they  aren't. I think it's just 'him' and he scares them all away. He says they all cheated on him or just up and left with no reason. I think those that cheated felt it was their only way out. I didn't do that to him. I never could do that to someone. That would have just hurt him worse. I do care that much. But his life was always just so sad, somber and depressed. He would suck all the joy I had out of me if I was having a good day and if I were to ever have a bad day or be sad he would say I wasn't supposed to feel that way and put me down, but yet when he got that way (which was very often) I had to show I was there for him or later he would say I wasn't there for him as a Christian woman should be. He even went as far as to say "in the end" that I disappointed him and he thought I was "different" than the rest. He expected SO much of me. Its like I had to measure up to some ideal he had in his mind. He always said he wanted a wife, a family and a life and even would comment about how my life is with my kids. This man didn't even have a kitchen table in his house and the house was filthy. :(  I hung in there cause I liked him though, hoped for something, dunno what. Like I said earlier about the job situation. He hadn't had a stable job in many years. He lives off his mom and she lives off a small check each month from the government. If he didn't have a roommate his bills wouldn't get paid and they barely do anyway. All he ever did was complain about how they were several months behind in rent, utilities weren't paid, etc. He had hospital bills up in the thousands from some girl he dated a couple years ago that walked out on him after a year of dating and he had a meltdown and thought he was having a heart attack. It's almost as if he lets himself get so emotionally worked up over "women" in his life to the point of getting physically sick. He even referred back to US when we had first met last year and how 3 days after we met I upset him over something at the time and he walked out of a temp job he had at that time and had to go home because I upset him and he got a speeding ticket on the way home. I was always, constantly told I caused this or that to happen. Then that job he had a few weeks ago for only two short weeks he lost because he was upset over me and the fact that I tried to break up with him (that was the first time I tried). I just don't understand him. He wanted ME to be the normal one so he could be around ME but yet I was more normal than he was???? lol Was I not? he had it all twisted around to try and make me think it was me that wasn't normal and he was healed of his horrible upbringing and I was just constantly bringing him down.

 


He's an addict.  He is addicted to the painful drama of a chaotic and disastrous personal life.  Which is why when he doesn't have one (i.e. when he dates a nice sane, lovely someone like yourself, OP) he creates one (by treating you the way he did and acting how he does).

 

Until he has had significant help he will not stop doing this.  I speak from experience (both as the victim of someone who does this and a person who once upon a time used to be a little that way, though i "added-my-woes" rather than abusing others).  He is so familiar with the abusive prison his upbringing built around him that he goes on building that jail over and over with his partners.  When you don't wrong him he twists things to look like you did.  When you don't do anything to negatively impact his life HE does stupid things to negatively impact his life and blames you.  When you don't cheat he says you did and acts like you did.  When you (very rationally) say you want to split up he acts like you're crazy and cries and begs you not to leave him.  He is addicted to this negative drama.

 

I don't want to scare you, but this is not over for him.  All that "i'm never going to talk to you again!" is like your 5yo having a tantrum.  He needs to see you again until he lines up another victim to put through this.  He hates those other women, those evil worldy cheating women who ruined his life....but he still goes to Church where they do, so he can continue to badmouth them and keep an eye on them, right?  Delete and block him.  Block his numbers.  Instruct your children not to talk to him, online or otherwise.

 

I am not saying he is evil, i know you are a good person and a kind person, and i know you care about him.  But this is not HIM, this is his addiction, and he will do more or less anything to feed it.  He can't help it.  But you need to stay safe.  If he actually follows through on the "never speak to me again" consider yourself very lucky.  My guess is that he will try to get in touch again, directly (talking to you) or indirectly (badmouthing you to the other folks at church, or your kids, or similar). 

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#189 of 277 Old 03-07-2011, 10:10 AM
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What Bec says is true in my experience.

 

Once, when my Abuse Troll dumped me in an email, I think he was expecting me to freak out and beg or something. I responded to say 'Ok, we weren't doing very well for each other. Letting it go is cool'. He wrote back to tell me to not respond further, and warned me that even though he knew I would 'curse him' (no joke), that everything would come back on me times three and I should watch out.

 

Psycho is as psycho does.

 

I still care about the good aspects of my Abuse Troll. Because I am a mother and have seen/lived through not a small amount of abuse, I had/have giant wells of compassion for him, for that little boy that got a raw deal in many ways. If I had all the time and money in the world, I'd have taken him on and be his hold me/sex me/forgive me therapist (if he could be respectful, which was unlikely). But I am just one person, and I have quite a bit more things on the plate than salvation tools. If he really wants to fix himself in therapy, I do hope and pray that he'll do it.

 

But he can't call me when he's 'done', because that ship has sailed. To call me again claiming mental health would be paradoxical, because I told him to go away.

 

I think there is a lot of shared reality between your situation and mine.

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#190 of 277 Old 03-07-2011, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If he actually follows through on the "never speak to me again" consider yourself very lucky.  My guess is that he will try to get in touch again, directly (talking to you) or indirectly (badmouthing you to the other folks at church, or your kids, or similar). 


I appreciate your response. The church WE got to is a mega-church. It's HUGE!! He actually "only" started going back there once I did. I went for about 3 weeks before he decided he would get over his fear of his last girlfriend and go. He said that last girlfriend bullied him so much that he was SCARED of her. lol. I don't know how much truth is in that. But he said she would laugh at him, make fun of him, be nasty to him, had an old boyfriend that he said put "demons" in her mind and made her evil towards him and that she had that in her mind and hadn't let it go yet BUT yet the woman is a huge part of this church, very active, whereas he well uhhhhh left it and abandoned it when they broke up, lol. He said she was the one that was evil but yet she sings in the choir and is very involved. hmmm...
 

 


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#191 of 277 Old 03-07-2011, 04:53 PM
 
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I appreciate your response. The church WE got to is a mega-church. It's HUGE!! He actually "only" started going back there once I did. I went for about 3 weeks before he decided he would get over his fear of his last girlfriend and go. He said that last girlfriend bullied him so much that he was SCARED of her. lol. I don't know how much truth is in that. But he said she would laugh at him, make fun of him, be nasty to him, had an old boyfriend that he said put "demons" in her mind and made her evil towards him and that she had that in her mind and hadn't let it go yet BUT yet the woman is a huge part of this church, very active, whereas he well uhhhhh left it and abandoned it when they broke up, lol. He said she was the one that was evil but yet she sings in the choir and is very involved. hmmm...
 

 

That is hilarious. Wow. You'd think such a "scary" woman would make him never want to date again. He was just showing his new girlfriend off in front of the woman who dumped him. Hah. What a user. Now he'll be making up stories about you that are twice as crazy. Do you think he would tell people you're an unfit mother or anything super vindictive like that? Hopefully he's soured his own reputation enough that nobody would listen to his nutty stories.

 

I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 


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#192 of 277 Old 03-11-2011, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is hilarious. Wow. You'd think such a "scary" woman would make him never want to date again. He was just showing his new girlfriend off in front of the woman who dumped him. Hah. What a user. Now he'll be making up stories about you that are twice as crazy. Do you think he would tell people you're an unfit mother or anything super vindictive like that? Hopefully he's soured his own reputation enough that nobody would listen to his nutty stories.

 

I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 



Exactly! And this is what I wanted to tell him while we were dating. i always wanetd to point out the fact that he would talk so down about all these horrible women he had dated in the past. He was a musician and stated that he dated up the hundreds, some one night stands, some a few months, some few years, etc. Never married though. His longest relationship was his son's mother and she aborted their first child so he knew they were doomed when she kept cheating on him but yet he "still" got her pregnant and had their son together because he longed for a family sitaution with a woman and wanted kids and all that. :(  He has a sad story, he truly does. But the way he puts down and blames all these past women are what is keeping him from having any blessings or fruit in his life. I just know it. He said that he couldn't believe that in  his whole 37 years of life that God would never give him anything good. He said he couldn't remember a single day where he had a whole 24 hour period of time that was good. But yet he was a Godly man? Following God and obeying God? I think he had some serious issues to work on and hasn't worked on them yet and that's why he his so broken and so burned out in his life. He also would point out ALL the time how he would pour himself in to others around him, including girlfriends, friends, acquaintances, family and they would never give back to him what he gave to them. You aren't supposed to go through life looking at what you get back. You just give and never expect in return. And he would tell ME this but yet he did it  himself, he would play sad about how no one ever did the same things for him. But yet the entire time we dated I offered him things, money to help during hard times which I understood him turning down, food, I made him several dishes of food and he would act like it was no big deal, never tell me if he even ate it all or liked. I have offered to do lots of things for him, even let him borrow my car when he wrecked his mothers car last year. He has been driving her car for 2 years now since he wrecked his own and has been out of work for all these years so it's sitting there waiting to be repaired. And the way he would ruin any happy moment that I would have. If the happy moment included HIM then it would be okay, he wouldn't ruin it. But if a happy moment involved me alone, me and my kids, my kids alone, anyone else I knew, etc.....he would always ruin it, always. But then say he didn't do it if I caleld him out on it and would say that's the devil speaking through me, be gone devil and all this nonsense. Just crazy stuff I got so tired of hearing day in and day out.

 


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#193 of 277 Old 03-11-2011, 04:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't remember if you said before, but how did you meet this guy?
 

 



We met on Facebook through another friend. We used to go to the same church some time ago and he got kicked out of that church, in fact his whole family did. he served in the church and got kicked out for reasons I am still unsure about to this day. He said they threatened to call the police if he ever set foot on the property again. That's the church I was still attending when I first met him and he lured me away, saying they were evil.

 


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#194 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.


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#195 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 03:12 PM
 
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I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.


Ack! Sputter.. what were you thinking?

Please listen to all the wise women here and do not let this man back into your plane of existence. Just don't!
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#196 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 03:14 PM
 
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I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.



Seriously, truly, pick up the book "Why does he DO that?" - it will make you never want to talk to him again.  And you won't feel guilty.

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#197 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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If you can't trust yourself not to contact him you should make it as hard for yourself to do so as possible. Block him on facebook. Block his phone number through the phone company. Erase his phone number from your address book and cell phone. Block and erase his email address. This man is so very bad for you. You can't "fix" him, you can't redeem him, and you sure won't win any prizes for attempting to do so.

Go back and read the last few posts that you wrote about him. This man is BAD NEWS.
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#198 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 04:31 PM
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I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.



Honey, you HAVE to go to counseling. You really, really, really owe it to yourself to do it. You are in crisis and need more tools in your toolbox.

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#199 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:22 PM
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Honey, you HAVE to go to counseling. You really, really, really owe it to yourself to do it. You are in crisis and need more tools in your toolbox.


Yes, this. 

 


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#200 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:23 PM
 
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I started talking to him again., :(  I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it. He likes to blame people for everything, he is never guilty for any of the bad that happens in his life, just other people. He is the innocent person. Always being attacked. :(  Now I have to figure out how to get him out of my life yet again.


No, you don't have to figure out anything.  You simply stop.  You stop talking to him at all. You stop communicating in any way.  If you see him on the street you cross to the other side.  Trying to explain is totally unnecessary and validates him.  It also opens the door for him to manipulate you and clearly you are not currently strong enough to see through it, so don't open the door to it.  

 

You get yourself into counseling to work on figuring out why you are so willing to make choices that endanger your well being and that of your children.  You decide to remain single for a couple/few years until you have done a LOT of work in this area.  Your children can not afford to see the choices you are making as they will repeat them as adults. 

 

You get off the roller coaster.   

 

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#201 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:23 PM
 
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Holy Moly. I read this whole thread. darcytrue, this man is a psycho and will only bring you pain to you and to your children. I would think about getting a restraining order at this point honestly. I would also investigate his past, have you ever googled him? Looked for past convictions? 

 

You deserve SO much better than this. SO MUCH better. This guy sounds like a horror movie character and I am not exaggerating.

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#202 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:25 PM
 
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You have total control over whether you talk to him -- you do NOT need to try to stop, just stop! There is nothing to figure out.

 

  • Block him on facebook.
  • Create a reroute on your e-mail inbox that sends his messages straight into the garbage bin (if  this is an option on your mail client) or straight a folder that you don't read.
  • Block his phone calls and texts. If you can't do this, then cancel your text-message feature and let all your calls go to voice mail -- if you hear his voice on a message, hit delete immediately.

 

Done! He has no way to contact you and make you feel guilty. If he shows up at your house, don't open the door and let him know you'll call the cops if he doesn't leave.

 

Every time you engage with him to argue or defend yourself or try to convince him that you aren't a bad person -- you are rewarding him. Don't reward him. He no longer exists in your life -- he has to go live his own life and fix his own problems.

 

Please read "The Gift of Fear" and, as AttunedMama suggests, seek counseling. Dumping a big jerk should NOT be hard -- it should feel good to get rid of dead-weight. Dumping is not something you "figure out" how to do -- you say "It's over" and that's it, you've broken up. Some people are good to stay friends with afterward -- this guy IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

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#203 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinuviel_k View Post

If you can't trust yourself not to contact him you should make it as hard for yourself to do so as possible. Block him on facebook. Block his phone number through the phone company. Erase his phone number from your address book and cell phone. Block and erase his email address. This man is so very bad for you. You can't "fix" him, you can't redeem him, and you sure won't win any prizes for attempting to do so.

Go back and read the last few posts that you wrote about him. This man is BAD NEWS.



Excellent advice!

 

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#204 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:30 PM
 
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Sorry to serial post. But just think about this, this man has already surpassed every normal boundary in a healthy relationship, from the abusive language, to the manipulation to the contact of your child, you have to say to yourself WHERE will he go from there? It can only get worse.

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#205 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 05:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post

You have total control over whether you talk to him -- you do NOT need to try to stop, just stop! There is nothing to figure out.

 

  • Block him on facebook.
  • Create a reroute on your e-mail inbox that sends his messages straight into the garbage bin (if  this is an option on your mail client) or straight a folder that you don't read.
  • Block his phone calls and texts. If you can't do this, then cancel your text-message feature and let all your calls go to voice mail -- if you hear his voice on a message, hit delete immediately.

 

Done! He has no way to contact you and make you feel guilty. If he shows up at your house, don't open the door and let him know you'll call the cops if he doesn't leave.

 

Every time you engage with him to argue or defend yourself or try to convince him that you aren't a bad person -- you are rewarding him. Don't reward him. He no longer exists in your life -- he has to go live his own life and fix his own problems.

 

Please read "The Gift of Fear" and, as AttunedMama suggests, seek counseling. Dumping a big jerk should NOT be hard -- it should feel good to get rid of dead-weight. Dumping is not something you "figure out" how to do -- you say "It's over" and that's it, you've broken up. Some people are good to stay friends with afterward -- this guy IS NOT ONE OF THEM.


I agree with everything in this post EXCEPT the bolded.  Simply dial 911 and tell them your stalker is at your door.  While you wait, hide in a closet with your children.  DO NOT engage him AT ALL.  DO NOT speak to him.  DO NOT talk through the door.  It's time for mama bear to come out - and her job is to protect the kids.  NOT some jerk.

 

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#206 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 06:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




I agree with everything in this post EXCEPT the bolded.  Simply dial 911 and tell them your stalker is at your door.  While you wait, hide in a closet with your children.  DO NOT engage him AT ALL.  DO NOT speak to him.  DO NOT talk through the door.  It's time for mama bear to come out - and her job is to protect the kids.  NOT some jerk.

 



Yes yes yes!!! YES!!! When my STBX was just starting to get creepy crazy, I called the police immediately. There wasn't a ton they could do, but it showed him I mean business and I have very firm boundaries when it comes to things like this. Seriously! Get "Why Does He Do That" and rent the movie Frailty!! You keep treating him like he's a normal human being with problems. He is NOT!! He's dangerous and nuts!!! Do you want him making up lies and trying to get your kids taken away? The more time you spend engaging with him, the more fodder he'll have for his vengence against you. Go to counseling and let a professional explain it to you.


Living happily and embracing adventures.
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#207 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 07:36 PM
 
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Oh man, I just read the whole thread.

Okay. Three really important things:

1. This guy is the textbook, absolutely 100 percent classic profile of an abuser. Ask me how I know. You've gotten some great advice through this thread, and some of the best advice has come from the women in the Surviving Abuse forum. We've been there, we've seen it, we've been profoundly hurt by it, and we don't want to see it happen to anyone else.

2. I would stake all my worldly possessions on the fact that he has a personality disorder. Maybe borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder, or even good old fashioned sociopathy. This would be a great article for you to read: http://counsellingresource.com/distress/personality-disorders/understanding/index.html

3. You owe this man nothing. NOTHING. You don't owe it to him to talk to him. You don't owe it to him to be in a relationship with him. He hasn't earned your sympathy or pity or anything. If you let him into your life -- and more importantly, into your children's life, he will hurt you and he will hurt your children.

 

I just want to run by a few of the ways that he really fits perfectly into the profile of an abuser.

--Lack of responsibility for his own actions. To me, this is the most classic sign of an abuser. A normal person will take ownership over his own emotions. He'll take responsibility for his own actions. An abuser will, almost without exception, blame other people for his emotions and for his bad decisions. A high-functioning abuser might be able to put on a show in public of being responsible, and hold down a job and stuff, while blaming his wife in private. A low-functioning abuser like yours will find excuses for everything. Note that he blamed you for his being late to work, he blamed his ex-girlfriends for being evil, and on and on and on.

--Gaslighting. Have you heard that term? It comes from this old movie called "Gaslight," and it describes this thing that abusers do where they basically try to make you believe that reality isn't real. You know the truth, you know what it was that you said or did. An abuser will systematically and relentlessly try to reshape your view of reality. They're really good at it. They leave you feeling confused and kind of crazy. They'll pick a fight with you, be evil to you, and then manage to convince you that you're abusing them. It's amazing how they do it. It makes it really hard to leave.

--Isolation. Abusers can't gaslight you if you have other sane people in your life to bring you back to reality. That's why they do everything they can to isolate you. It may start slowly and seem normal -- things like not wanting you to go to a church because his ex is there. But slowly and surely, they will cut you off from everyone that you love, because everyone else is a threat to their control over you.

--Lack of respect for boundaries. If you told a normal person that you didn't want to talk to them, they would accept that. An abuser will absolutely not respect your boundaries. This makes it really hard to break up with them. They come at you from every angle, using something I call "the slot machine tactic." They try raging at you, begging with you, guilt tripping you, playing nice, playing suicidal, every tactic they can think of, until they stumble onto the one that works with you and gives them a foot back in the door. The only way around it is no contact at all. 

 

My advice to you is to send him one email saying, in the simplest and clearest terms, that it's over and you don't want to talk to him. Don't even bother explaining. It's like talking to a brick wall. Just say it's over and be done with him. If you give him reasons, he'll pick them apart. You owe him no explanations and no more of your breath.

If you do let him back into your life, I promise you, as someone who has been in your shoes, he will abuse you. He's already verbally and emotionally abusing you. He is giving every indication that it will escalate into physical abuse. And it may spill over to your children.

I'm not very religious, but I do know that above all else, God would want you to be a good and protective mother to your babies. You really cannot do that if you're under the spell of an abuser. Find your strength and kick him out of your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Good luck to you. I really hope you escape, because this man will do nothing but bring bad things into your life.

 

Another great article to read: http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html   


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#208 of 277 Old 03-21-2011, 07:42 PM
 
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Also, you should consider joining the surviving abuse forum. You've gotten some info here, but it's also really eye-popping to talk to other survivors of abuse and see just how eerily similar all these guys are. We joke that it's like they all read the same book, "How to Abuse Your Wife 101".


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#209 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 03:36 AM
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It's not terribly surprising that he sucked you in again.  He's a master, master manipulator, and you are someone who does not like to displease or rock the boat, and he knows that, and he is using it to prey on you.

 

You need to take a step back and look at it from a different perspective. If you were an outsider reading this thread, what would you think? What would your advice be?

 

I know it's harder to be a hardass than it sounds. But really all it takes to stop talking to him is to not answer the phone. Block him on FB. And if he talks to you in person, be polite and then say "i have to go now" and go. Enlist friends for backup if you have to.

 

He is dangerous. You are not safe emotionally, financially, and probably not even physically with this man in your life in any way.

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#210 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 06:04 AM
 
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Some questions for you:

1) If you had a baby and he grew up to be JUST LIKE Mr. "Sensitive" would you be happy about that?

2) If you needed an emergency babysitter for your toddler, would you trust "Mr. Sensitive"?

3) Assuming you called "Mr Sensitive" to ask for the babysitting, do you think he would say yes?

4) Do you have a daughter? Would it be OK if your daughter dated someone *just like* Mr. Sensitive, but a little younger?

5) Do his actions (requesting BJ all the time) reflect his words "good Christian morals"? Might it be that he prefers BJ to "marital relations"?

6) What would a marriage to "Mr Sensitive" look like ... assuming nothing changed about him? (reminder - unemployed, sleeps in late, stays up late, avoids your kids, demands to be taken care of, blames you for his mistakes, asks for BJ all the time.)

7) If you had to choose between being single for the next year, and dating a man (who does not work, demands to be taken care of, blames you for everything, demands BJ and avoids your kids) which would you choose?

 

From your postings, it looks like it matters to you what he thinks of you. This part really concerns me. He shows signs of being unstable, manipulative, and blaming everyone but himself. It does not matter what he thinks of you!

 

My advice:

* meet with the pastor of one of the churches. lay it all out there, how you have been in this relationship and you feel like you can't drop him because he "needs" you. ask for advice. Write it down.

* meet with a counselor, even just once, and talk about the relationship. what is going on with YOU that it is so hard to dump him?

* make a list of what you want in a partner. Put it all out there, I have even started it for you! Rate "Mr Sensitive" on the list of what YOU want.

 

What I want in a Partner:

* employed and stable

* self-sufficient

* respectful to me

* makes me feel happier

* sexually responsive to my needs

* likes my kids

* safe around my kids

* trustworthy

* someone I admire

* someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family

* Christian

* drama-free

* fun!

 

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