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#211 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 06:53 AM
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I agree with everything in this post EXCEPT the bolded.  Simply dial 911 and tell them your stalker is at your door.  While you wait, hide in a closet with your children.  DO NOT engage him AT ALL.  DO NOT speak to him.  DO NOT talk through the door.  It's time for mama bear to come out - and her job is to protect the kids.  NOT some jerk.

 


 

I agree about directly calling 911. I don't think the bolded is QUITE spot-on.

 

Don't hide in a closet, but maybe close any curtains/blinds. No need to exhibit that he has the ability to push you, literally, into a closet(he'll surely come back for another round of drama!). Mama bear might have to maul him if he refused to leave the property, but she wouldn't HIDE in the CLOSET.

 

Also, change "your" stalker to "a" stalker. To refer to him in the possessive is to be the other side of the crazy coin.

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#212 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 08:51 AM
 
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Please take the advice posted here.  Do it for your kids.

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#213 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 08:52 AM
 
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The thing is, I don't think you can call 911 and say "There's this guy that I've been talking to and encouraging, and now he's on my doorstep." She hasn't told him to stay away, so it's not really "stalking" until she does and he disrespects it! That's the only reason I think she needs to tell him to leave BEFORE calling the police.

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#214 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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4) Do you have a daughter? Would it be OK if your daughter dated someone *just like* Mr. Sensitive, but a little younger?

 


This.. is the point on my mind this morning. How will your children make good choices in their romantic lives if you've given them such a bad role model (you, sweetie) to follow? Grow a spine and move on.
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#215 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 09:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post

The thing is, I don't think you can call 911 and say "There's this guy that I've been talking to and encouraging, and now he's on my doorstep." She hasn't told him to stay away, so it's not really "stalking" until she does and he disrespects it! That's the only reason I think she needs to tell him to leave BEFORE calling the police.


But honestly, the cops are going to believe HER - not him.  It doesn't matter.  If he wasn't invited, he's at the very least a trespasser.

 

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#216 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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* make a list of what you want in a partner. Put it all out there, I have even started it for you! Rate "Mr Sensitive" on the list of what YOU want.

 

What I want in a Partner:

* employed and stable

* self-sufficient

* respectful to me

* makes me feel happier

* sexually responsive to my needs

* likes my kids

* safe around my kids

* trustworthy

* someone I admire

* someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family

* Christian

* drama-free

* fun!

 



I love the idea of actually taking the time to list in writing what I want in a partner.

 

Also since I believe I should hold all the attributes I desire in a mate its a good self check tool as well.

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#217 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by SleeplessMommy View Post

Some questions for you:

1) If you had a baby and he grew up to be JUST LIKE Mr. "Sensitive" would you be happy about that?

2) If you needed an emergency babysitter for your toddler, would you trust "Mr. Sensitive"?

3) Assuming you called "Mr Sensitive" to ask for the babysitting, do you think he would say yes?

4) Do you have a daughter? Would it be OK if your daughter dated someone *just like* Mr. Sensitive, but a little younger?

5) Do his actions (requesting BJ all the time) reflect his words "good Christian morals"? Might it be that he prefers BJ to "marital relations"?

6) What would a marriage to "Mr Sensitive" look like ... assuming nothing changed about him? (reminder - unemployed, sleeps in late, stays up late, avoids your kids, demands to be taken care of, blames you for his mistakes, asks for BJ all the time.)

7) If you had to choose between being single for the next year, and dating a man (who does not work, demands to be taken care of, blames you for everything, demands BJ and avoids your kids) which would you choose?

 

From your postings, it looks like it matters to you what he thinks of you. This part really concerns me. He shows signs of being unstable, manipulative, and blaming everyone but himself. It does not matter what he thinks of you!

 

My advice:

* meet with the pastor of one of the churches. lay it all out there, how you have been in this relationship and you feel like you can't drop him because he "needs" you. ask for advice. Write it down.

* meet with a counselor, even just once, and talk about the relationship. what is going on with YOU that it is so hard to dump him?

* make a list of what you want in a partner. Put it all out there, I have even started it for you! Rate "Mr Sensitive" on the list of what YOU want.

 

What I want in a Partner:

* employed and stable

* self-sufficient

* respectful to me

* makes me feel happier

* sexually responsive to my needs

* likes my kids

* safe around my kids

* trustworthy

* someone I admire

* someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family

* Christian

* drama-free

* fun!

 


All this, and I love the list.

 

This man is bad, bad, bad news. If you don't cut him off, it will get worse. And, if I'm remembering correctly (haven't re-read the thread today), he's already tried to suck one of your kids into his crap at least once. That means (no surprise) that he has no boundaries about them, either.

 

Send him an email. Just as MamaJen said - keep it simple. "We're through, and I don't want to talk to you again. Do not contact me." THE END. Don't take calls. Block him on facebook. Delete his emails. Simply do not engage. This guy gives me the creeps.

 

And, I totally agree with other posters. You do not want your daughter to get the idea that this man, in any way represents what a relationship should be like.

 

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#218 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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 And the way he would ruin any happy moment that I would have. If the happy moment included HIM then it would be okay, he wouldn't ruin it. But if a happy moment involved me alone, me and my kids, my kids alone, anyone else I knew, etc.....he would always ruin it, always.



 

That's another classic abuser thing. There are literally dozens and dozens of stories over on the surviving abuse forum. The women there talk about how they could count on their abuser disrupting and spoiling any happy thing they had planned, if it wasn't centered on him. They would learn to dread things like their birthday parties, because they knew it meant an abusive episode.

I swear, these guys are all the same.

Give us an update if you can. We're on your side.


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#219 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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I am curious to know how exactly he got to talk to you. If you are committed to not talking to him (such a commitment I would wholeheartedly support, of course), then you need to examine what happened.

 

Maybe he called you. The phone rang and you picked it up. Did you block him from calling? If not, why not? Do you have caller ID? If you saw it was him, why did you pick it up? If he called from another phone to get past your block and caller ID (and really think about how much lack of respect for your boundaries he would have to do that) and you heard his voice, what happened then? The best response is, of course, as soon as you recognize him: "It's over. Don't call again." <click> But obviously this is difficult for you. Can you pinpoint why? Can you practice in your head so you feel like you have the right to do that?

 

Or maybe he texted you, or maybe he knocked on your door, or maybe he emailed you, or maybe he Facebooked you. The same questions apply for most of them: was he not blocked, why not, when you saw his contact why did you not just delete/ignore it, etc. I am not hounding you or criticizing you for not doing this, trying to see if we can help you work through whatever fundamental reason it was that you allowed him to contact you again. Maybe you were hoping he would, so my questions aren't relevant, but if you were thinking it was over and his contact made you feel like you HAD to talk to him, or could not be rude, or whatever, let's figure it out!

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#220 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 01:02 PM
 
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I needed to read this today.  Thank you for all of the wonderful people that have posted here.  I'm not the OP, but I still needed this.

 

OP, I bought the book Why does he do that today.  I intend to read it based on the advice here.  I think you should too! 

 

Good luck.  You can do this.  You are strong and you have already made your decision.


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#221 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 02:52 PM
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One more thing. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are setting a boundary to protect yourself. Imagine if a perfect stranger was calling you, pestering you, wouldn't leave you alone. How would you react? You'd freak out. Now, this man has already weaseled inside your boundaries, but that doesn't mean he has to stay there. Treat him exactly as you'd treat a perfect stranger who violated your boundaries. Tell him to take a hike and that if he doesn't take the hint you're calling the police.

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#222 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 03:29 PM
 
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You need to make a choice: date this guy (and go right to couples counseling to try to "fix" relationship issues) or don't date this guy, and walk away from him 100%. You will be so much stronger when you make a decision, stick with it, and carry it through to the end.

 

Just to be clear, I am not suggesting that you decide to date "mr. sensitive." If his issues were fixable, they would have been fixed long ago.

 

**********

Clarification: I am trying to point out the CHOICE the OP has here. If she chooses the relationship, there are so many issues that the first step is joint counseling to try to address these issues. I am pretty confident that should the OP choose to follow this suggestion, and Mr Sensitive agree to it, that the counselor would talk sense into someone. Yes, it is a ludicrous idea that someone in a 5-month relationship would go to couples counseling to "fix" an unemployed, non-housecleaning, depressed, self-centered, 1.5 pack-a-day "sensitive" man. That is my point exactly. Nothing external to himself will fix him, not love, not prayer, not counseling, not the best intentions. The OP has no control over the outcome of Mr. Sensitive's very large suitcase of full of issues, best to send him packing.

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#223 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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You need to make a choice: date this guy (and go right to couples counseling to try to "fix" relationship issues) or don't date this guy, and walk away from him 100%. You will be so much stronger when you make a decision, stick with it, and carry it through to the end.

 

Just to be clear, I am not suggesting that you decide to date "mr. sensitive." If his issues were fixable, they would have been fixed long ago.

 

Re:  the Bolded - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  I'm sorry SleeplessMommy - couples counseling is NOT recommended for abusive relationships.  NOT RECOMMENDED.  AT ALL.  EVER.  It gives the abuser more tools with which to abuse the victim, and can be very dangerous.  Please don't ever give this advice to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship.
 

 

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#224 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 04:48 PM
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Re:  the Bolded - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  I'm sorry SleeplessMommy - couples counseling is NOT recommended for abusive relationships.  NOT RECOMMENDED.  AT ALL.  EVER.  It gives the abuser more tools with which to abuse the victim, and can be very dangerous.  Please don't ever give this advice to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship.
 

 


I confirm/agree with that couple's counseling with a psycho is a big "no".

 

I interpret SleeplessMommy's post as to tell the OP to poo or get off the pot. This dude is a huge project. You'll probably not succeed in fixing him, and you certainly won't do it alone. But go ahead and own whether you want to take him on or not.

 

The fact that he sounds like a total meaniehead poopypants to me obviously isn't swaying the OP to cut it off. I feel that Sleepless is giving her a level of awareness not being otherwise offered.

 

This thread is Darn Fascinating, sort of.

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#225 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 07:50 PM
 
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This thread is Darn Fascinating, sort of.



I keep thinking we should make it a sticky as "This is who you should not date". I feel like I'm watching a horror movie where the creepy suspenseful music is getting more intense, and everyone watching is screaming "Don't open the door!!!" But she does anyway. Oh well. We told ya so, Darcy. We told you he'd guilt you into taking him back. You're playing right into his hand. Each time you take him back, you increase his determination to control you. I hope you will survive this and live to tell the tale.


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#226 of 277 Old 03-22-2011, 09:24 PM
 
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Re:  the Bolded - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  I'm sorry SleeplessMommy - couples counseling is NOT recommended for abusive relationships.  NOT RECOMMENDED.  AT ALL.  EVER.  It gives the abuser more tools with which to abuse the victim, and can be very dangerous.  Please don't ever give this advice to anyone who may be in an abusive relationship.
 

 


I agree. Therapists often have to tear you down in order to build you back up. You don't want him privy to all your fears and disappointments.
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#227 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 03:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I started talking to him again but things he kept saying to me were irritating me. Then we had another weekend together this past weekend. The overnights with him never set well with me and I always got a weird feeling inside me. This past weekend was no different. :(   I stopped talking to him when I got home Sunday and yesterday he started texting wanting to talk so we did. I basically had to finally tell him I didn't appreciate a lot of the comments he would say regarding my EX-husband and giving his input on how to handle my ex all the time when I didn't want the advice and wished he would stop. He then started getting rude and saying I was "taking up" for my ex and then after I started saying things in a very nice manner about how he didn't need to worry with my issues with my EX he started getting more and more worked up and started saying things like "devil get out of this conversation in the Jesus name" and all that over and over. Finally I told him you know what, I don't wanna talk right now, I need to go and he said "no I never want to talk again" and hung up on me. Then not even 5 minutes after that hang up I log on to Facebook and the guy already has his whole family ignoring me. I can't find any of them, lol. I got on there just to see if it would happen that fast. He is THAT paranoid you see. Then I texted him one last text and said I knew he would go straight to FB and how immature he was. About an hour later I got a long text from him threatening to call the police on me for harrassing him if I ever contact him via email, text or phone. I was like WTF??? So that was it for me. I haven't tried any contact. He is certifiably looney!!! He couldn't even talk about things on the phone in a rash way and turned it all around on me and said I was harrassing him??? I was trying so hard to DUMP him and get him out of my life. Good gosh!

 

I have felt so liberated and free since yesterday!! I didn't cry, didn't get upset in the least bit either. I'm so glad he is gone and I will not talk to him again this time. In fact, I have told a couple friends and they will remind me again if he were to try and contact me. He has problems. If anyone should have been threatening someone it should have been ME threatening to call the cops or DSS on him and his horrible neglectful parenting of his son. And the fact that he threatened to kill himself not once, but two times in the last three weeks when I tried breaking it off with him at those times. I just can't seem to get him off of ME, not the other way around. lol. He doesn't even have a job or money. I had to pay for this past weekend excursion we had in order to spend time together and see if we could fix things. What really got me on Sunday was when we were in his car about to make the two hours drive back home and he sat in his car (not kidding) for 90 minutes before he would crank it and leave....talking about my EX-husband and how I need to do this and that to him and get HIM out of my life. ??? A man that is helping me out right now with trying to find a job of my own and paying for a lot of things for me and our children so I can live happily right now and have our needs met. All while this guy sits and throws God in my face on a daily basis and says I have demons that I am allowing in conversations that we had when I wouldn't say what he "wanted" to hear me say. I feel so sorry for any future women that fall for this man's crap. They all usually catch on and leave him, but I feel so sorry for any that might actually fall for it for long term. He even has his family on board every time, thinking I am the one doing something wrong in our relationship. He goes to them crying and telling them I hurt him like all the others and boohoo that  makes his mom baby him and give him more things, more free cigs and sleeping pills for the baby so he can stay up all night long and go to bed at 6am and sleep all day and ignore his son when he gets home from school. he is a sad, sad person.

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#228 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 04:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My last post above sounds very angry towards this man because I can't believe someone like this is out there getting women to actually fall for this stuff and the fact that I kept falling for it and taking him back over and over scares me. I let myself be that available and that vulnerable to a loser like that. He had nothing whatsoever to offer me. He had no job, hadn't had one in over 3 years, blamed me for the one he had in January and lost because HE kept sleeping in and got to a new job late 4 times in the first two weeks and then they let him go when he went in yet again late after giving him a weeks leave of absence to work on personal problems, which he was lucky to get.

 

Sorry to vent so much. He just did so much that was so loser-ish that I didn't really notice and put it all together all these months. How could someone who has no job who lives off his mom who also has barely any money coming in, who writes bad checks a few times per week in order to get groceries basically for free in the end, is buying his cigarettes every day as well so he can keep up his pack and a half a day habit. He could be putting that cigarette money in to something and using that $20 or so per week for a bill or for groceries or on his son. I don't get it???? But yet when I would 'dare' bring any of this stuff up he would make me feel bad for even doing so, saying he does what he can to find work, his mother is his blood and loves him so she helps him like mothers are supposed to do, and that he has had such a horrible life since birth, never gets a break, etc. I just got so tired of it. I never got anywhere with him on anything. He was never wrong, never a bad person for mooching off others and saw nothing wrong with sleeping all day and staying up all night listening to music and playing on Facebook. Why did I put up with it for five months? The fact that something kept telling me to break it off with him over and over should have been a HUGE sign. Also the fact that he told me in the beginning of our relationship that when he breaks up with someone he never goes back to them and it's final, and then each time I broke it off he refused to accept it and would make out like I never said I wanted to break up and coerced me back in to dating him still each time. HE was the one that said in the beginning that he never goes back to someone when they break up.

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#229 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 04:06 AM
 
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Darcy, forget about him.  Get into counseling, and get the book we've all been telling you to read.  I'm dead serious.  You're better of forgetting that this guy is even alive than trying to keep track of all his lies, BS, and being his punching bag (b/c thats what you are to him - you're his little pet that he can pick and choose when to hang out with, and who he can either physically or emotionally beat up whenever he wants.

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#230 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 04:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am curious to know how exactly he got to talk to you. If you are committed to not talking to him (such a commitment I would wholeheartedly support, of course), then you need to examine what happened.

 

Maybe he called you. The phone rang and you picked it up. Did you block him from calling? If not, why not? Do you have caller ID? If you saw it was him, why did you pick it up? If he called from another phone to get past your block and caller ID (and really think about how much lack of respect for your boundaries he would have to do that) and you heard his voice, what happened then? The best response is, of course, as soon as you recognize him: "It's over. Don't call again." <click> But obviously this is difficult for you. Can you pinpoint why? Can you practice in your head so you feel like you have the right to do that?

 

Or maybe he texted you, or maybe he knocked on your door, or maybe he emailed you, or maybe he Facebooked you. The same questions apply for most of them: was he not blocked, why not, when you saw his contact why did you not just delete/ignore it, etc. I am not hounding you or criticizing you for not doing this, trying to see if we can help you work through whatever fundamental reason it was that you allowed him to contact you again. Maybe you were hoping he would, so my questions aren't relevant, but if you were thinking it was over and his contact made you feel like you HAD to talk to him, or could not be rude, or whatever, let's figure it out!



My cell phone will not block incoming calls. I don't know anyone who has a cell phone that does that. I got messages from him making me feel guilty through text first and then the call.  He just had a way of doing it that I can't explain. He would always say it was "Gods will" for us to stay together and see where it leads because any future relationships for me won't last because I got out of Gods will and what not. The usual Christian person abusing their belief to make it work to their advantage. And when I get with him in person, forget it. All the decisions to never talk to him go out the door when I see his sweet, baby face and hear that voice. Why? I have no idea. But I am determined not to fall for it again. And after he texted that last text yesterday saying he would call the police if "I" harrassed HIM again (ha) then that was it for me. I never responded, never will. In the past when we split up I would always respond and try to say something nasty in reply but not this time. He knows I am over this time or else I would have responded and showed that I cared by arguing with that text. However, I didn't and I won't. This time I have several friends backing me up on this and they all know all the details of it. So I'm not alone. And let him mess with my EX-husband and he will have a legal battle on his hands and will have bills out the wazoo if my EX gets involved and takes him to court. He has the money to play hardball whereas this boyfriend does not. He didn't even have money to put $5 gas in his car without mommy giving it to him, so I know he wouldn't call the police anyway or try to start anything legal. He has no grounds in the first place.

 


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#231 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 05:26 AM
 
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. He had nothing whatsoever to offer me.

 



So, so true.  You are very wise to realize that. 

 

ETA: you could print that out and put it on your bathroom mirror ;)

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#232 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 05:37 AM
 
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Darcytrue-

 

You SHOULD be angry at him. How dare he tell you what to do about your ex-husband, when his life is so messed up? How dare he tell you that the "devil" is making you do it, if you disagree with him. How dare he talk about your private business for 90 minutes and waste your time on a "date"?

 

Since he has threatened suicide several times recently AND has a filthy house AND has unsupervised visits with his son, I think a call to DSS is very warranted.  Sadly, some men who choose suicide include their children. Someone needs to take action to protect his son.

 

I strongly suggest you make a list of what you want in a guy. It will help you move forward and make positive choices about future dating, I promise. Maybe you want to share it here, maybe you don't. But do it!

 

What I want in a Partner:

* employed and stable

* self-sufficient

* respectful to me and my kids

* makes me feel happier

* sexually responsive to my needs

* likes my kids

* safe around my kids

* trustworthy

* someone I admire

* someone I would be proud to introduce to my friends and family

* Christian

* drama-free

* fun!

* non-smoking

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#233 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 06:10 AM
 
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My cell phone will not block incoming calls.



No one's does.  Call your phone company and have THEM block his number.  Tell them you are trying to get rid of him, that he's harassing you, and you need his number blocked.  They can, and usually WILL do it.

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#234 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 07:26 AM
 
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My last post above sounds very angry towards this man because I can't believe someone like this is out there getting women to actually fall for this stuff and the fact that I kept falling for it and taking him back over and over scares me. I let myself be that available and that vulnerable to a loser like that. He had nothing whatsoever to offer me.

 


That's really the big conundrum that a lot of women face as they're healing from relationships like this (and call it what it is -- this is abuse). We spend a ton of time trying to figure out why we fell for the game and why we let these guys continue to hurt and take advantage of us for so long. And hopefully, we try to figure out how to avoid this type of guy in the future.

You will be doing yourself a huge favor if you read up on things like emotional abuse and borderline personality disorder and really educate yourself about this issue. I swear, if you understand what is going on, it will give you such a better toolbox for staying away from him. Abusers are all cut from the same cloth, they all pull the same crap. Any woman on the surviving abuse forum could tell you an uncannily similar tale.

The fact of the matter is that abusers are, without fail, master manipulators. They instinctively know how to trap you and keep you trapped. It's pretty amazing how they do it. I never thought of myself as naive or weak, and I got trapped with a guy so very similar to the loser you're describing.

A lot of the women in the surviving abuse forum, myself included, find that they have codependent tendencies. It's not just about dating alcoholics. I think of codependency as being more of a mindset where you have trouble believing that your own well-being is as important as the well-being of others. The book "Codependent No More" might be a good read for you.

The single best thing you can do right now is detach from this guy and don't communicate with him in any way, shape or form.If you give him any kind of an opening, he will beg and plead and rage and cry and threaten suicide and he may break through your defenses. If you don't give him a chance to communicate, you're safe. And please don't worry about him. He'll move on to his next victim in no time.

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Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#235 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 10:21 AM
 
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Darcy, you really need to look at why you were accepting his calls and reading his texts in the first place, and why you had not blocked him on Facebook. What were you getting out of letting someone you don't like or trust manipulate you? Otherwise, EVEN IF YOU GET RID OF HIM (and he IS going to come right back, just like he ALWAYS does), the next sleazeball who comes along is going to suck you right in for another round of drama and unhappiness.

 

You had complete control over the situation every step of the way -- why did you choose to talk to him, to read his messages, to keep taking him back, to not drop him the second he started acting like a big jerk? He was never in a position to demand anything from you -- you weren't sharing living quarters, he wasn't supporting you financially, you weren't parents together, and he never threatened you with anything but his petulance and displeasure and his personal pipeling to God. Why was his displeasure and whining and self-pity such an effective weapon to get you to give up control? I feel like therapy, or at least some serious reading and self-examination, might help you disengage and avoid similar losers in the future.

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#236 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 03:01 PM
 
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Darcy, I don't know if you see this pattern yet, so maybe this will help in your own words:

Feb 4
Quote:
I doubt he would "stalk" me. He doesn't seem the type.

Feb 21
Quote:
I broke it off today!!!! I feel much better. Free almost....so I end it then. I told him this is best and he said okay, he does too. smile.gif I feel free.

Feb 25
Quote:
Ok well, he did weaseal his way back in. greensad.gif ...I don't get why I am allowing myself to fall for this.


March 3
Quote:
I am so thankful he is gone now. I know he will never talk to me again. He made that clear. I don't worry about him trying to call or get me back. It will NOT happen, trust me, I know.

March3
Quote:
He won't try again. I even sent him a text early this morning... he wrote back and told me to stop harrassing HIM, leave him alone, I'm the devil, never look at him in the fact if I see him out, lose his number, etc. He is done for sure. No doubt there.

March 21
Quote:
I started talking to him again., greensad.gif I felt bad. He made me feel guilty. Now I am totally regretting it.

March 23
Quote:
Finally I told him you know what, I don't wanna talk right now, I need to go and he said "no I never want to talk again" and hung up on me...About an hour later I got a long text from him threatening to call the police on me for harrassing him if I ever contact him via email, text or phone. I have felt so liberated and free since yesterday!!
Quote:
The fact that something kept telling me to break it off with him over and over should have been a HUGE sign.

If you read what you wrote there, you'll see it sounds like you believe every time that he will not come back. But he always does. You keep assuming the best of him, when he hasn't earned that by the way he's treated you.

Another thing to observe from above: you consistently ignored your intuition. His manipulations made you question your own judgement.

The third pattern to notice is how good you feel when you two break up, and how bad you feel when you get back together.Do you see how every time you get back together, he starts whittling away at your self-esteem? Picking you apart? The tension builds until he explodes and pushes you away. You feel better. A little time passes, and he comes back calmly. The cycle repeats.

This is the cycle of domestic violence. Classic! PLEASE read this page and see if it sounds familiar:
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
Here's another one:
http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf
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#237 of 277 Old 03-23-2011, 04:53 PM
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Um, Spring Lilly? You are fabulous. Thank you so much for breaking this down so attentively. I send you giant hugs.


Darcy, I'm twitching to see what you think of Spring Lilly's insights.

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#238 of 277 Old 03-24-2011, 10:51 AM
 
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Um, Spring Lilly? You are fabulous. Thank you so much for breaking this down so attentively. I send you giant hugs.


Darcy, I'm twitching to see what you think of Spring Lilly's insights.

Agreed.  I hope your IRL friends can break it down for you like this as well.  There's a definite pattern here.
 

 


Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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#239 of 277 Old 03-24-2011, 12:06 PM
 
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Spring Lily has hit it perfectly.

Darcy, a lot of us have been where you are. It's like they get their claws in you and won't let go. I ignored all kinds of warning signs and gut feelings and ended up in an abusive cycle for over 2 years. Don't allow that to happen to you. You will have to weather the storm. Completely ignore him and he will leave you alone eventually. Don't listen to or read anything he sends you. Be strong.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#240 of 277 Old 03-31-2011, 12:27 PM
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Darcy!

 

How's your mind-freeing process going, woman?

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