dating a "sensitive" man - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 04:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm divorced. I have been on the dating scene this past year with no luck as of yet. I really  haven't dated anyone seriously to this point. The guy I've been seeing I met in October of last year. He is great! He never argues, we get along for the most part on every subject and even talk out the things we don't necessarily see eye to eye on and get along even then. He has a child and I have 3 children. We haven't done much with our children, just meet up at church sometimes. We haven't had sex yet because of our beliefs and wanting to wait for a while longer, but we do other things to keep that area exciting. :D  So far the relationship is great.

 

My problem with him is that he is TOO sensitive. I can make the smallest comment about something and he will run it in the ground discussing it and will even write up a long email to point out things and is very, very sensitive. Will say he didn't sleep all night because of something I say bothering him or he gets himself worked up so much in his mind over something I might say and it will drain him to the point of sleeping for ten hours straight and not being able to wake. (shrug) It can be the smallest of comments I make and it's only pertaining to us or a situation between us usually. He will also get on the phone with me when frustrated over something and talk for hours on end and I rarely get a chance to chime in and say anything and the whole conversation gets taken over by him. :( I'm not used to that.

 

Example: he was going to stop by after work the other day. The kids go to their dads for a few hours on that particular day and this guy was going to stop by fast and leave shortly after they returned. He had told me that he wasn't ready to start coming over to my house around my kids just yet because he thinks he and I need to get to know one another even more and was afraid we would focus on the kids too much and forget about "us" and getting deeper in our relationship. Well I sort of understood but we only have 1 night together at this point each week because my EX only will watch the children one day/night per week at this point and that's on the weekend, so we go ALL week long and don't see one another usually. So....that day he said he was coming by I had told my kids he "might" stop by and for them to be normal and do their usual activities. He ended up "not" coming and they came home asking questions about where he was and if he came and what not. They were excited he might be coming. Well I proceeded to send him a few texts telling him he was "right" and that it's probably too soon for him to start coming over like that because I didn't realize the impression it had made on the kids thinking he "might" come by. I told him it might be best to do it another way, like me get a sitter and we meet up that way so we can be alone. He took those texts allllll in a bad way. Said he didn't understand them and that we NEEDED to talk about them. He said he felt bad and hurt that I said it as if I was trying to make him "feel bad" for not coming. I was in no way doing that. We still haven't talked about it because we've both been so busy. And last night I was on the phone with him and fell asleep while talking (I do that often, oops) which is another area I have issues in. I have been overly stressed out and tired lately and falling asleep at odd times of the day, which he has a hard time understanding as well. I think he thinks he bores me on the phone. I don't think that's what it is because I get tired even if I'm not talking to him on the phone each night. I can go to sleep very easily and very early! I also get tired all throughout the day. But that part isn't the point of this post, the part about him being sensitive to things I say is what I'm having a hard time with. I can't tell him he is too sensitive because it's part of his personality that I like in regards to "other" areas of his life. I don't know what to do.

 

ugh ugh ugh, this dating thing is so tough. It's so hard to find the right person and to figure out when is the time to start bringing them around the kids.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 07:14 AM
 
Holland73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Urban Jungle on the Bay
Posts: 2,573
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Honestly, I am exhausted and stressed just reading about your experiences with this man.

 

This is NOT about being too sensitive.  I would liken this to being super co-dependent, neurotic and, oftentimes, common when dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

How long have you been dating this guy?  Where did you meet him?  Has it always been like this with him... from the very beginning? Or did something shift at a certain point?   

IdahoMom, GoBecGo and bananabee like this.
Holland73 is online now  
#3 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 07:32 AM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post

 

 

This is NOT about being too sensitive.  I would liken this to being super co-dependent, neurotic and, oftentimes, common when dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 


That.  When you said "Sensitive" I thought you meant "He cried during Divine secrets of the Ya Ya sisterhood".  

 

Take what you see right now, and multiply it by at least ten when you get married.  Then, imagine your kids having to be careful about everything they say so they don't upset him.  Eventually, you all start to lie or cover things up "Don't tell husband, or we'll be up all night hashing this out". 

 

We all have our preferences.  I prefer a non sensitive man.  Somewhere between sensitive and Russel Crowe.  But, others love a sweet thoughtful sensitive man.    But, this nice man is not what I would consider sensitive, more overbearing than sensitive.  

 

I'm very happy he has other good qualities though.  If you can deal with his over-thinking every comment or criticism, then I think he's probably a wonderful man.  Just be sure you can live with this (and this is only a tiny portion of what is to come) 

bananabee likes this.
nextcommercial is offline  
#4 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:01 AM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

he's not healthy.  move on!

lynsage, HappyMommy2 and bananabee like this.
doubledutch is offline  
#5 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:17 AM
 
bananabee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Indiana
Posts: 4,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 58 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

he's not healthy.  move on!



Here here!! Your kids really don't need someone like that in their lives. I grew up with parents that micromanaged everything I did and made me feel really insecure. It took me until recently to learn how to maintain my own boundaries around my feelings, my practical needs, and my personal space at the risk of upsetting someone else. I can't imagine bringing someone into my life who would make me worry that every little thing is going to turn into a big thing. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that guy. He is controlling. Everything is about him. As long as he has your full focus, he's satisfied. Imagine when he starts to feel left out when he is around your kids. He will totally act out. You don't need to add someone who is so emotionally disturbed that it affects his sleep. That is a serious problem.


Living happily and embracing adventures.
bananabee is online now  
#6 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:19 AM
ell
 
ell's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yeah. This won't change. And when the "newness" of the relationship burns off and you're left with him overanalyzing everything without that new-relationship-buzz to make it easier to forget about it... well, it doesn't sound like it will be a very satisfying relationship for you. Bye bye.

ell is offline  
#7 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:22 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

RUN - and fast.  FAR away.  This is not a healthy dynamic.  It sounds very controlling.

HappyMommy2 likes this.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#8 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:41 AM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Can you imagine what life would be like with him, every day. Living together, having to think twice (or more) about what you want to say to him and how he might react? And then when you don't say enough, how he might react? How will that affect your kids?

 

Now, can you imagine life without him?

 

Which looks better? Now which do you WANT to look better, but which really does look better? Only you can decide the answer to that smile.gif

 

And I have to say.... when I met my (now) DH, we spent about a year talking on the phone and over emails and texts before we even met in person. Many (MANY) times I fell asleep while talking to him on the phone. He never once said anything mean or rude about it or took it in a bad way. He always said it was cute. There were times he fell asleep while we were talking too. There were times we both fell asleep. Thank goodness for free nighttime minutes on our cells. LOL!


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#9 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:52 AM
 
just_lily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

He doesn't sound sensitive.  He sounds insecure. 

 

You are already tiptoeing around him, and it is only going to get worse.  What would happen if you ever got frustrated with him?  What if you were married and he forgot to do the dishes, so you expressed frustration about coming home to a dirty kitchen?  Would you then need to have a three hour conversation about how he feels about you being upset about him not doing the dishes?  No thanks. 

 

It appears that you already know in your heart what you need to do with him, and have just come here for validation.  Well consider yourself validated!!  LOL.  I am emotionally exhausted just reading your OP.


Wife to DH (06/10) and Mummy to DD (07/08).

just_lily is offline  
#10 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:57 AM
 
nola79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: chocolate city
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

he's not healthy.  move on!

Yep!

 

nola79 is offline  
#11 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 10:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Actually, I think my post came across as way worse than it actually is with this man. He isn't the type to get angry at all. He is super calm, never angers. He is a Christian man. He is a little weird about some other things relationship-wise but this one stands out as the one that gets to me the most. My ex-husband was the type I had to walk on eggshells around because I never said the right things to him. He would get super angry in front of our children. So I know what it's like to be with that kind of man. This guy I'm dating does take most things I say with a grain of salt, doesn't bother him and we move on. But if it's regarding something he has said TO ME or texted or something regarding US he will get emotional and start talking about it and go on for hours on one phone conversation dwelling on it...OR he will send me a long, drawn out email about it. He is usually right too, almost always about everything.

 

There are even times when if I can't talk on the phone (because of me sleeping a lot) that he will get to the point after a couple of days of not talking "much" with me that he will say he feels like I'm making him "chase" me and he won't chase a woman, been there with other women in his past and it doesn't work for him. WTHeck?? But OTOH, he has told me bunches and bunches of times since we first met that he doesn't always get back to people very quick when they text or call. I can text the man at 8am for instance and not hear back til 3pm that same day. He told me once that he was thankful for his closest friends who don't care if it takes him 2 or 3 days to text back and won't get upset at him. I have never gotten upset at him for not texting back right away, just that he would seem to push me off or forget me so I did bring that up "early" on in our relationship, but at this point I'm quite used to him not getting back to me.

 

Not to mention that he always blames all his past relationships being bad on the women he was with. Almost ALL of them had some type of mental disorder, according to him. They were either overly angry women, they talked down to him and put him down a lot or something in that range. He most likely wore on their nerves over time is what I'M thinking, lol. And yes, I'm starting to think that once the newness of our relationship wears off that he will get on my nerves and it scares me.

 

This guy also lives with a roommate. His house is a mess!!!! He smokes and his house hasn't been cleaned majorly since he moved in to it 12 years ago. I swear it can't have been! The toilet in the bathroom has black stuff on the floor around it, all the floors are brownish colored, carpets are worn down, drapery yellow from smoke. He will leave dishes in the sink for literally weeks because his roommate won't do them so he leaves them for his roommate. He is very late to everything! Always shows up late when coming to see me. He is just rude and I can't believe he's even had the amount of girlfriends he "says" he has had over the years. He has even told me most of the women he dated over the years were "model" types they were so pretty and he tries to steer clear of them now because they are the most psycho. ugh.

 

Yeah, I am sitting here going over a lot of this in my head. I think it's a bad situation too but I'm so scared of being alone. I just feel like it could work out for us since he is a Christian man and very strong in his faith and beliefs just as I am. But there are others out there and I've even been asked out by many of them.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
#12 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

he's not healthy.  move on!



Here here!! Your kids really don't need someone like that in their lives. I grew up with parents that micromanaged everything I did and made me feel really insecure. It took me until recently to learn how to maintain my own boundaries around my feelings, my practical needs, and my personal space at the risk of upsetting someone else. I can't imagine bringing someone into my life who would make me worry that every little thing is going to turn into a big thing. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that guy. He is controlling. Everything is about him. As long as he has your full focus, he's satisfied. Imagine when he starts to feel left out when he is around your kids. He will totally act out. You don't need to add someone who is so emotionally disturbed that it affects his sleep. That is a serious problem.



It's funny that you said that regarding my kids. There have been times when I'm on the phone with him and my 16 month old would start fussing or crying and he would say he was holding the phone out from his head and say well I'm gonna let you go. Never would he say awww...or anything like MOST people would say when they hear a baby on the other end of the phone or say 'what's wrong, is she okay" or anything like that. He would act frustrated because my baby was making noise. Usually we talk when she is at the sitter, her dads house or after she goes to bed at night. Like right now, we can only see one another one time per week on Saturdays. He has asked me to find a way to see him one night during the week. He says we will never be able to fully get to know one another as long as we can't see each other in person more and be alone when we do it. He even said he dated women in the past where their kids were with them on almost every date if he had to do that so he has experience with that. SO I tell him well come over to my house on a weeknight after he gets off work and we will hang out and the kids will do their own thing and just the baby might be around me a lot til she falls asleep for the night. He won't do it. He said he isn't READY to be around my kids that much and is afraid it will turn us in to buddies if we aren't alone, one-on-one and bring my kids in to it more. I was talking about ONE day a week, not every day of the week. I could take that as him already feeling threatened by the kids. I've even commented before how my kids are #1 and they come first and at times how I don't need anything else cause I have my kids, you know the stuff moms and dads say about their kids. Meaning nothing towards him and he's like "well, what about me or a relationship with someone one day" and takes it to mean I mean a man can't enter the picture. That's not what I mean at all but right now, yes my kids come first. They have to.

 

Oh and another thing that I noticed that was weird about him is how since we met he always stayed up late in to the morning hours. He would go to bed at like 4am most of the time, so I would sometimes call him around 1 or 2 am if I woke up from falling asleep too early. Then he would act whiny and say just because "I" fell asleep early on like that doesn't mean I have a right to call him in the middle of the night and "expect" him to talk. Well the only reason I do it because he has always been up at that time of night so I knew I could call him. ??? So I got to where I stopped doing that because he wouldn't answer his phone and I knew he was ignoring me on purpose even though he would deny it and say his phone was on vibrate or in another room and that I needed to stop thinking he is that way and acting like he is like all the other men out there, ugh.

 

AND....another thing that came to mind. We've been seeing one another for four months now and he still says "where ever" God may take us in our relationship then we will do this or that....and maybe we are just together to learn how to be in a future relationship with someone else, etc...... and I keep wondering what are we now then? Why can't we just date and say we are in a relationship? I don't get WHY it has to be so complicated and tough. He claims we can't get to know one another enough to be a close couple until we can spend more man hours together each week which is very tough with my 3 kids and his 1 kid, unless we are to bring our kids together more in order to see one another pretty soon I don't see how we will ever get passed the one day a week anytime soon :(  (shrug). But he keeps saying he won't do that. I don't think he wants to get serious with me and is holding back for some reason. Even though he shows so many signs of "wanting" to be serious with m e.


Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
#13 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:15 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

 

Not to mention that he always blames all his past relationships being bad on the women he was with. Almost ALL of them had some type of mental disorder, according to him. They were either overly angry women, they talked down to him and put him down a lot or something in that range. He most likely wore on their nerves over time is what I'M thinking, lol. And yes, I'm starting to think that once the newness of our relationship wears off that he will get on my nerves and it scares me.



Didn't get any further - RUN!!  AWAY!!!  NOW!!!  Seriously, this is not healthy, its not ok, and you deserve better.  You better believe that every single thing that goes wrong in your relationship will also be your fault according to him.  Do not continue, it will only get worse.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#14 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:19 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

 

Yeah, I am sitting here going over a lot of this in my head. I think it's a bad situation too but I'm so scared of being alone. I just feel like it could work out for us since he is a Christian man and very strong in his faith and beliefs just as I am. But there are others out there and I've even been asked out by many of them.



Being alone is WAY better than being with a man like this.  Having a specific belief set may be important to you, but you need someone who SHOWS those beliefs.  I know lots of people who pay lip service to their "beliefs" but don't act as though they actually follow their beliefs.

 

This guy is bad bad bad bad news.  Get out early, find yourself and how to be happy and comfortable in your own skin.  Then you will find a man who respects you and treats you right - and don't settle for less.

zebu and bananabee like this.
Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#15 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:23 AM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

 He has even told me most of the women he dated over the years were "model" types they were so pretty and he tries to steer clear of them now because they are the most psycho. ugh.

 

 

Wow...  I assume he's informed you that you don't look like the women he usually dates, but since you probably are more sane than the sexy model types, he thinks this might work out anyway. 

 

nextcommercial is offline  
#16 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:25 AM
 
mommaklo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Parts of this ring very familiar to my ex of 4 yrs. I remember scrubbing my exs apartment when he and his roommate moved out so he could move in with me (ug, first mistake) and spending so much time cleaning up GROSS stuff to get his damage dep back because we needed it for our own rent, only to have them keep it anyway, the place was still so bad. He was a slob on his own, and was a slob with me. He never pitched in to clean up even his own stuff, and I became slowly without realizing it, his maid and cook, just like his mom was to him, which is exactly what he wanted. I was MISERABLE. He was self centered and had no respect for me around this area and actually told me that when we were both working full time jobs, it was still my responsibility to do everything around the house because I MADE LESS MONEY than him. And only by a couple dollars an hour. I was drawn to him because he was a christian, raised by a pastor even, and I really wanted those values in my family. I wanted kids with him, and marriage was even an option, but he kept making references to how I had to prove my self for him to marry. Eventually I pulled my head our of you know where and left. I have never felt better, except dealing with all of that has taken me a few years to get over. I have a husband now who claims christianity as his faith, but without works, I guess. He doesnt go to church, and doesnt practice his faith, etc. BUUUT, he is a kind, loving man who has all the values of a christian man and is the person my ex could never have been. He takes care of us, is never expectant or demanding or demeaning, and lets me stay at home with our child. A friend of mine actually told me regarding him, that she knew a man who claimed to be a christian, was married, and she had had some personal attacks from him and his wife over her own christian beliefs. He stole at a job he had, was incredibly lazy, and still called himself a christian. Not that that doesnt make you one, but she basically said, it is easier for a man to convert in his religion that change his habits or morals or ways. While a religion should somewhat predict what you stand for, if you dont have moral conviction you will never change. My husband has moral conviction. I am praying that someday his faith will follow. If this is where this guy is in his life, his growth, and his faith, and yet he is still living like a teenager, I hope this is an example for you. I dont see a man like this changing for you, I see him making your standards YOUR problem. Maybe not as well, but I hope this makes sense, it isnt rambling in my head, but Im sure sounds that way. I hope this insight helps as well. And pray, pray, pray about it. Great men are out there, I know it. Dont settle for less based off a "religious title."


wife to dh the love of my life, and mommy to ds 3/10 . I get to spend everyday with my hero and my miracle.
mommaklo is offline  
#17 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:27 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't think anybody suggested that he's angry or violent...just that he's controlling. He is. I can pretty much guarantee that a year with this man would have you and your kids tied in knots.

 

Oh - and he's sending up red flags all over the place about your kids. They're not even a secondary consideration to him - they're a nuisance. Run. Run away. This man isn't sensitive. He's a mess, and you do not need to get sucked into his codependent drama (and it is drama, even if it's not coming across the way drama queens usually put it forward).

 

I'm exhuasted just from imagining dealing with this stuff. Don't let a fear of being alone push you into a relationship with someone who can't have a healthy relationship.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#18 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:27 AM
 
mommaklo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just read super single mamas second post, who is waaay less long winded than me, but precisely speaking my point.


wife to dh the love of my life, and mommy to ds 3/10 . I get to spend everyday with my hero and my miracle.
mommaklo is offline  
#19 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:28 AM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,056
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Being a Christian does not preclude one from being neurotic or otherwise unstable. IMO, people who never show anger are the worst sorts to get involved with. They either don't care enough to get angry, or they're holding it all inside. Neither scenario makes for a healthy relationship.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

He isn't the type to get angry at all. He is super calm, never angers. He is a Christian man.

2xy is offline  
#20 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:29 AM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OP.. I'm laughing at how you are talking yourself out of this without help.   You start here...

 

 

 

Quote:
Actually, I think my post came across as way worse than it actually is with this man. He isn't the type to get angry at all. He is super calm, never angers. He is a Christian man. 

And, by the end you are saying "What the heck?".

 

I'm sure he's a really good man, but, with the fact that you have three kids to look out for, he might not be the best for you.  He needs a model/housekeeper/therapist.  

bananabee likes this.
nextcommercial is offline  
#21 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:30 AM
 
StephandOwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 8,613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Do me a favor- read this thread (really read it with an open eye) and pretend it is me who posted it. What advice would you give me?

Walking away from him doesn't mean he's bad or not a good Christian or anything-it hist means he's not right for YOU. There are many other Christian men, but you won't be open to meeting any of them if you stick with this guy, whom you obviously have issues with. You can settle for "okay" or you can hold out for Mr. Wonderful.
bananabee likes this.

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

StephandOwen is offline  
#22 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:36 AM
 
mommaklo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just read your last post. How would your marriage, relationship, etc work if you arent going to spend time around each others kids? I could see this perspective if he didnt have a child of his own, but he should get it at this point. We kind of are our kids. We are their providers and support and thats going to continue if you are dating, or married or whatever, they are going to (hopefully) be your main priority until they can take care of themselves. For some kids thats even beyond 18. My mom growing up never incorporated us into her dating life she always went out and left us at home, or if her boyfriend at the time was over, it was never for us to get to know them, it was more "be on your best behavior." The first guy she dated that showed and interest in our general well being was the relationship that lasted the longest for her, none of the rest did. They arent together anymore, but we still keep in touch with that man like he is our dad. He filled the role and played the part, even the really, really hard parts. If you dont have a guy willing to do even half of that, you are not only NOT getting a male role model for your children, but I imagine you will be the buffer between them and him indefinitely. Talk about exhausing.


wife to dh the love of my life, and mommy to ds 3/10 . I get to spend everyday with my hero and my miracle.
mommaklo is offline  
#23 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:37 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh, honey. You know what to do. Are you going to a good, supportive healthy church? I think that could make a world of difference on 'being alone'. If you are already there, maybe be a twitch more active? Take a meal to an old lady, maybe soon you'll stumble on one that has a seriously functional grandson. Best wishes. 


 

AttunedMama is offline  
#24 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 11:46 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mommaklo View Post

I just read your last post. How would your marriage, relationship, etc work if you arent going to spend time around each others kids? I could see this perspective if he didnt have a child of his own, but he should get it at this point. We kind of are our kids. We are their providers and support and thats going to continue if you are dating, or married or whatever, they are going to (hopefully) be your main priority until they can take care of themselves. For some kids thats even beyond 18. My mom growing up never incorporated us into her dating life she always went out and left us at home, or if her boyfriend at the time was over, it was never for us to get to know them, it was more "be on your best behavior." The first guy she dated that showed and interest in our general well being was the relationship that lasted the longest for her, none of the rest did. They arent together anymore, but we still keep in touch with that man like he is our dad. He filled the role and played the part, even the really, really hard parts. If you dont have a guy willing to do even half of that, you are not only NOT getting a male role model for your children, but I imagine you will be the buffer between them and him indefinitely. Talk about exhausing.


Wait - He has a kid?  Is it a 2yo adorable little blond blue eyed curious monster who talks too much and is really smart?  Are you dating my ex???  I'm serious.

 

ETA - its can't be my ex b/c my ex is obsessively clean, and doesn't smoke.  However, they sound similar and living with someone like that is not good

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#25 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 12:42 PM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

do not settle for this.  you deserve so much better!

nola79 likes this.
doubledutch is offline  
#26 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 08:40 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Some abusive control-freak type people don't get mad.  My father used to have a completely straight face as he beat my mother.  She said it was the scariest thing how he'd seem so calm about it.  Just because he doesn't blow up in anger doesn't mean he's healthy.  Everything you've written about him sets off alarms.  The "I usually date model types" thing would be the final straw.  Plus, his bashing all of his exes...sends off alarms.  I dated a guy once who used to talk about how messed up all of his exes were.  Of course they were all beautiful and wanted to marry him.LOL  Yeah right.  He was the most controlling, mentally abusive person I ever dated and it was my mother who brought his flaws to my attention.  I didn't even realize it.  He criticized my clothes, my hair, my job and he told me that his friends didn't like me.  Crazy! 

 

It sounds, to me, like this guy is trying to make you insecure.  He's building himself up to be this rightious person and trying to make you believe that you don't really meet his standards.  Your words aren't intelligent enough for him, your looks aren't good enough for him, your thoughts aren't thought out enough for him.  He won't chase you, so you better make yourself very available to him and you need to take whatever he's willing to give you or you risk being thought of as neurotic...just like all the rest that weren't good enough.  Chances are, he's been dumped a lot.  He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's got to bring you down so you'll stay with him. 

 

You can do better.  Don't let him take up too much of your time or bring your self-esteem down too low.  I think it's funny how you're reading what you're writing and realizing that he's not all he's saying that he is. 


Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#27 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 09:40 PM
 
BabyBearsMummy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 805
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

WOW tons of red flags

 

Please love yourself enough to run the other way from this guy

 

IMHO you will be so much happier without him then you ever could be with him

BabyBearsMummy is offline  
#28 of 277 Old 02-02-2011, 10:10 PM
 
treeoflife3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: tennessee/kentucky
Posts: 1,484
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

the part about not wanting to meet the kids yet because then you might not focus on 'us' reminds me of the guy from Waitress.  He was an angry man, but he was VERY concerned about not getting ALL the attention from his wife... even including a baby.  He couldn't handle having her at his every beck and call and therefore became very controlling about it.

 

This guy DOES sound controlling... and in a sneaky way.  He spends HOURS hashing out little things.  You say he is usually right... but is it normal to spend hours dealing with something small that most people could probably handle in a few sentences?  When my husband says something that bothers me, I just have to say 'hey... that bothered me because xyz.  I'd appreciate it if you refrained from speaking that way/using those words/whatever from now on' and he'd go 'oh I'm sorry, i didn't realize/didn't mean to and I'll try to be more mindful of that.'  The only reason anything would require long drawn out emails and hours of conversation is if its something big that we both feel very strongly about.  for the little things, even if he thinks its dumb that I'm bothered by some things, its not hard to avoid them and he chooses to out of love and respect for me.  and vice versa.

 

I'd also pay attention to how you said he starts going on about not wanting to chase you if you don't get back to him quickly.... but he takes awhile to get back.  Double standards are a problem.  he expects you to be at his every beck and call but can't be bothered to give the same respect... even going so far as to joke about it.

 

your posts OP became long posts about all his problems.  I hope you see just how problematic he is.  His being Christian is ultimately a minor detail because none of his behavior that you describe has much to do with religion but a lot to do with how healthy and happy you and your children will be after long exposures with him.  You can believe in God and Jesus and go to church every week and believe in certain Christian morals, but that doesn't mean you are a good person who would make a good husband.  Plead read your posts... really consider the problems you have pointed out about him.  Consider if that would be a good role model for your little 16 month old to grow up with.

treeoflife3 is offline  
#29 of 277 Old 02-03-2011, 06:15 AM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,056
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I wanted to add that people often disagree about "when is the right time" for a new guy to meet the kids. I don't think it's as soon as possible, but I wouldn't put it off for too long, either. If a guy doesn't like being around my kids, and/or my kids don't like the guy, then that's a deal-breaker for me. Seeing as we homeschool so my kids are around frequently, it's especially important that a man likes being around them.

 

I met my DH in early July and he met my kids in mid-August. My boys were 10 and 13 at the time, which might make a difference....but I sort of knew that this man was special and wanted my children to give me their take on him. DS2's birthday is the end of August and he asked if my new boyfriend could come to his birthday party. The invitation was happily accepted. Both good signs, the way I saw it.

 

Kids are like dogs....they can sniff out a creep.

mamatoni likes this.
2xy is offline  
#30 of 277 Old 02-03-2011, 06:40 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post

 

It sounds, to me, like this guy is trying to make you insecure.  He's building himself up to be this rightious person and trying to make you believe that you don't really meet his standards.  Your words aren't intelligent enough for him, your looks aren't good enough for him, your thoughts aren't thought out enough for him.  He won't chase you, so you better make yourself very available to him and you need to take whatever he's willing to give you or you risk being thought of as neurotic...just like all the rest that weren't good enough. 

 

{Chances are, he's been dumped a lot.  He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's got to bring you down so you'll stay with him. }


Such wise words!

 

The bracketed part however, is BS.  He thinks he's BETTER than you, and that you need to change to become good enough for him.  You need someone who thinks you are amazing.  This guy doesn't.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off