I don't want to be the bigger person! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Talk me down from responding to a UAV with the nastiest, meanest, snottiest email I can think of.  I'm so tired of being calm and nonreactive, just to avoid giving ex any ammunition to use against me!  I don't want to be a responsible, mature adult anymore.  rant.gif

 

That is all. 


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#2 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 12:20 PM
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Say it here, girlfriend! Can a RL friend come over and throw darts with you and wrestle and watch funny/crazy films?

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#3 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know that he can't do anything at all to me, he can't even get his own crap together ...

 

but don't blow my phone up when I don't respond to your text within 3 hours.  I was at work.  You haven't responded to ANYTHING I've sent you in six months, yet that's okay.

 

Don't tell me that you can get BF and myself a job in your area.  Really?  An amazing job like yours, that pays so much that I only receive child support once every three months?  Awesome!

 

Don't ask me what size DD wears.  You haven't sent her ANYTHING in two years.  No cards, no presents, nothing.  But if I tell you that "I can provide her clothing, it's okay," you'll use it as an excuse not to pay child support.

 

No, she doesn't know who you are!  You don't call her!  She thought you were BF last time you called, and I don't blame her!

 

And don't blow smoke and tell me that you moved to where you are to be closer to where I was going to move.  The only thing is was close to  was your ex-girlfriend's house.  So close, in fact, that she got a restraining order.

 

Long story short, if you want to talk to DD, call her.  If you want to see her, move back here.  If you want to provide for her, pay child support.  If not, well, you know where to go and what to do when you get there.

 

(Mods, please delete if this is inappropriate.)

 


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#4 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 03:42 PM
 
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Write the email. Save in your draft folder, just don't press send.

 

You can even revisit it periodically and perfect the insults next time he pisses you off.


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#5 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 04:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soso-lynn View Post

Write the email. Save in your draft folder, just don't press send.

 

You can even revisit it periodically and perfect the insults next time he pisses you off.


Yeah, this, only I would type it into a text document and save it to my desktop. That way you can find it easily if you ever need to vent to it some more and it makes it harder to accidentally click "send" (which I would just be too tempted to do)

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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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#6 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gifI have been there. Actually I have even been there this weekend.  But I keep reminding myself he is SO not worth it. I have written "emails" in the past that will never be send. The key is keeping everything on a professional level no emotion save that for venting with friends.  hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gif

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#7 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 06:50 PM
 
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I need to stop myself too. My babies dad is uninvolved and doesn't pay me any child support. He just texted me asking if he could claim the baby on his taxes. It is so hard not to respond to that.

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#8 of 12 Old 02-05-2011, 07:03 PM
 
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The more I read on this forum, the more I see that kind of behavior and vindictiveness is so common. Now when ex rages at me, I just shrug it off, look into my sweet baby's blue eyes, tickle her, and either ignore it or just forward it to my lawyer and let ex know that's what I did. Sure, it still upsets me, but it's part and parcel of this trap I'm climbing out of. I think of it like surgery. Recovery can be painful, and staff infections are super common.


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#9 of 12 Old 02-15-2011, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I am angriest that, from everything I've been told and have seen, if I were to act the way he does, I would lose custody TO HIM. 

 

If I were to refuse phone contact, move without telling anyone where I went, not support DD, and generally be a UAV, I would be crucified.  He does it, and the FoC is all "meh."

 


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#10 of 12 Old 02-15-2011, 04:55 PM
 
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it's the hardest, that remaining calm thing...eh? good luck.


Mama to DD 06' Partner to Sasa
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#11 of 12 Old 02-19-2011, 04:53 PM
 
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I work with a woman who finally escaped a terribly abusive marriage to a very successful man.  Not only was he verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to her, but he was sexually abusive as well.  He pushed her buttons during a phone conversation, she went off on him (she said she really did lose it)- but the court gave custody of their 4 boys to him.  So now she pays him child support to abuse her kids, and even though some of the kids are teenagers, they are too scared of the dad to petition the court to live with her.

 

Be the bigger person.  When my X makes ridiculous comments, I just calmly remind him that he was abusive to me for 8 years, during which time he never did me any favors, and I will not do any for him now.  But I say it calmly. 

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#12 of 12 Old 02-19-2011, 09:24 PM
 
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We all have moments that we don't want to be the bigger person.  The downside is once you give the the validation of that energy they feed on it and it create a cycle that is really not worth our energies.  Do it all thru the court or in writing.  If my ex were to appear out of the blue after being absent for two years he would have to put everything in writing via mail (not email or text) or thru the court.  This is the way  I finally got him to leave me alone and stop pulling me into his drama.  Vent here it is so much more worthwhile and ALSO set some boundaries so you don't have to vent based on his actions but just from the realities of single motherhood.


"There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting." - Buddha.
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