March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 05:57 AM
 
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In regards to texting... maybe it's a generational/situational thing?  I'm 29, and texting is just as normal as talking on the phone to me... actually texting is easier, as I can reply while feeding the baby, or when I get a chance, instead of trying to hold a phone conversation while chasing a toddler and juggling a phone and a baby.  lol

 

I think BF and I got to know each other a lot more by im'ing in the begining... I also was very guarded and did not want to talk on the phone until I got to know him more.  Once I was comfortable and wanted to move to the phone... we do text a lot more, even now, because it's just easier to fit in, rather than a phone conversation while kids are up and running around.  We have a goodnight call once the kids are in bed now.


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#62 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 06:06 AM
 
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haha yeah I am also starting to think the 2am text was not something he really meant to do! I sent him a very brief "hi" kind of message last night and he hasn't responded even though he was on OKC so .....on to the next!

 

 

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#63 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 06:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Zeta View Post

Moochie: the sexts without an ongoing context of seeing each other and calling would seem like a red flag to me.

 

Devaya: I think the biggest thing about the manifesting is focusing on what you need & want without defining the package it comes in.  It seems like if you do that it would not get you into deluding yourself about any one particular guy and indeed would help you remain aware of gaps.  And within your relationship with LCG I do think you want to be aware of the stuff that is not working for you without obsessing over it- noticing and keeping connection with what you want & staying positive will help your spirit sort things out for you.  That's what I think anyway.  :-)



Oh, Moochie, I didn't realise they were 'sexts'...okay...yes, definitely not a good one!

 

Zeta, so true about not defining the package. I am actually visualising myself with a ring on my finger, going for walks with a guy who I do not define in my mind (as in, he's not necessarily LCG, he's just a guy who embodies the qualities I''m after), and getting myself into a really good feeling-place doing that. I love that phrase, ''your spirit sort things out for you"'. I'm working on trusting and surrendering to whatever the perfect outcome is, and knowing that I can let go of a relationship if it is not right for me. It really helps actually not seeing him for a while b/c of this holiday, as I can get clear in my mind on what I actually want, and what would be a good fit for me and my son. That's another thing though. He is so scarily good with my son, it's like, MELT! !

 

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#64 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 08:35 AM
 
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Oh, Moochie, I didn't realise they were 'sexts'...okay...yes, definitely not a good one!

 

 


Yep- but I was right there sexting back just as much as he was so I didn't exactly give off the impression that I wanted anything more than a booty call shake.gif.  

 

I sent him this text this morning:

 

"Hey there wanted you to know what I was thinking about after you left last night. I was being honest when I said I don't normally sleep with people I've just met. I'm not sure what you're looking for- if it's just booty calls then I completely understand but I don't think that's for me. I am interested in going on a real date with you some time though to get to know each other better. Please let me know what you think. :)"

 

Curious to see if/ how he responds.  I'll keep you posted.  

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#65 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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MM - that was kind and clear.  Well done!

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#66 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 01:20 PM
 
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Good point (though I know he is single bc he's a friend of a woman I work with).  Just realized it's also used by people not wanting to get to know someone, just setting up booty calls.  Which I have just learned firsthand is fun while it's happening but feels crappy and emtpy afterwards.  crap.gif   I'm all for casual dating but this isn't even dating... ugh.

 

Devaya- just saw your post while I was writing this.  I'm going to back way off on responding to his texts since most are sexts anyway.  If he keeps it up I'll tell him I'd like to go on a real date to get to know him but I'm not a booty-call girl.  (I told him tonight that this is the first time I've ever slept with someone so fast and that this is all new to me- he knows I'm recently single.)


Yes, that totally sounds like a guy trying to set up a booty call or FWB situation. If that's what you want then go for it.  That's why I classify even guys who only text as lazy or wanting something casual. Texting is fine - especially for things like formalizing details or checking in - but I find guys will want to do something to hear your voice or see you if they're really into you.

 

I think that was totally a clear way to send that message. In the past I have just stopped responding to the sexts. The ones who were into me got in touch with me and immediately told me they were looking for more than FWB without me even having to say a word. Sometimes backing off and saying nothing speaks volumes to guys.

 

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#67 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 02:08 PM
 
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"Hey there wanted you to know what I was thinking about after you left last night. I was being honest when I said I don't normally sleep with people I've just met. I'm not sure what you're looking for- if it's just booty calls then I completely understand but I don't think that's for me. I am interested in going on a real date with you some time though to get to know each other better. Please let me know what you think. :)"

 

Curious to see if/ how he responds.  I'll keep you posted.  



He responded saying he thinks a real date would be fun and that he thinks booty call is too harsh a word.  biggrinbounce.gif

 

At first I was second-guessing sending that text but I'm glad I did- good to be up front about what I want and don't want.  I definitely don't like to play games. 

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#68 of 142 Old 03-09-2011, 02:53 PM
 
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He responded saying he thinks a real date would be fun and that he thinks booty call is too harsh a word.  biggrinbounce.gif

 

At first I was second-guessing sending that text but I'm glad I did- good to be up front about what I want and don't want.  I definitely don't like to play games. 

Yay!  Good call on the text, I'm glad it worked out this way.

 

So, my friend and I had lots of deep conversation this weekend.  I was having follow up realizations to some of the topics we discussed that I wanted to share with him.  Sunday and Monday I was journaling about those things.  I'd love to be able to have a conversation with him but our schedules are pretty opposite and most of the topics aren't appropriate for little ears.  I dropped the journal off at his work yesterday.  I haven't heard from him since then.  I hope he'll write responses and we'll be able to maintain some communication this way.  **fingers crossed**
 

 

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#69 of 142 Old 03-10-2011, 04:51 PM
 
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Yes, that totally sounds like a guy trying to set up a booty call or FWB situation. If that's what you want then go for it.  That's why I classify even guys who only text as lazy or wanting something casual. Texting is fine - especially for things like formalizing details or checking in - but I find guys will want to do something to hear your voice or see you if they're really into you.

 

I think that was totally a clear way to send that message. In the past I have just stopped responding to the sexts. The ones who were into me got in touch with me and immediately told me they were looking for more than FWB without me even having to say a word. Sometimes backing off and saying nothing speaks volumes to guys.

 


This is true. Texts are more common than phone calls now, but if you like each other, then there will be plans underway to meet again soon. Or if not possible, the phone (or skype) is necessary. Also, the nature of the texts matters - it shows what they are thinking about. Once, I got a text from a guy after our first date that said, "do you really love the rainfall?" lol.gif It had rained a little while we were out together and we agreed that we both loved rain. Texts show that they are thinking about you. You have to pay attention to the message to see what they are thinking about.

Did he never respond, Martha? If not, do you have your eye on another?

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#70 of 142 Old 03-10-2011, 07:49 PM
 
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He did respond this morning, or rather last night but it was after I went to bed. He said he was sorry he had a hectic week, he's a writer working on a novel and going to grad school so I can understand that! He asked how my week was going and I responded saying I was sick this week. He was online tonight but no more messages so i'm not really sure. Just going with the flow on that one.

As far as other prospects, my only dating resource right now is OKC b/c I am in an area where I dont know anyone and cant go out anyway b/c I always have my kids so the online thing is pretty much the way I have to go! But I have gotten a lot of "visitors" to my profile and a few messages lately from guys who I find interesting to talk to. One says he wants to meet up already but I need some more talking first I think, i'm nervous about the meet ups. So we'll see!

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#71 of 142 Old 03-11-2011, 10:24 AM
 
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This is true. Texts are more common than phone calls now, but if you like each other, then there will be plans underway to meet again soon. 


We've got a "real" date tomorrow night... yay.  I'm thinking he is just shy- I have been told that I can be intimidating... I'm confident, have my shit together, own my home, have a good job, not afraid to speak my mind and make it clear that I don't play games...  Why does this scare guys?  I seem to be meeting guys that are younger than I am.  Maybe the ones I've met lately are just used to young, insecure, game-playing women.  shrug.gif  (Not saying all younger women are like this but I know my friends and I were back then.)

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#72 of 142 Old 03-12-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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Hmm, Martha, he probably would have mentioned getting together again by now if he wanted to. Don't let those other guys rush you into meeting them!

Good luck tonight Moochie! It sounds like this guy does like you. I don't know how much age has to do with insecurity and game-playing. I think it's more personality. Having confidence and being together with your life is awesome! A good guy will value that.

I'm tossing around the idea of allowing my internet guy come here to visit. He lives about 250 miles away and last night he ever so casually mentioned that he would be willing to drive up here. I won't be able to fit a visit like that into my schedule for a few weeks, so I have some time to think it over. I've said "probably" as an answer to his suggestion. I'm worried that he won't be acceptable in person and I'll feel really bad about leaving him with no place to sleep. If we have in person chemistry like we have on the (daily, for hours) chats/phone calls, then I'd have no problem with letting him sleep in my bed with me for a night or two. I peeked at his pictures again a little while ago and they made me a little breathless, but you can't really go on photos alone. Also, of course, there is the possibility that he is a skilled liar and is not what he seems to be and might be dangerous. Has anyone ever met up with someone from out of town? How did you handle the details if so?

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#73 of 142 Old 03-12-2011, 02:55 PM
 
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Hmm, Martha, he probably would have mentioned getting together again by now if he wanted to. Don't let those other guys rush you into meeting them!

Good luck tonight Moochie! It sounds like this guy does like you. I don't know how much age has to do with insecurity and game-playing. I think it's more personality. Having confidence and being together with your life is awesome! A good guy will value that.

I'm tossing around the idea of allowing my internet guy come here to visit. He lives about 250 miles away and last night he ever so casually mentioned that he would be willing to drive up here. I won't be able to fit a visit like that into my schedule for a few weeks, so I have some time to think it over. I've said "probably" as an answer to his suggestion. I'm worried that he won't be acceptable in person and I'll feel really bad about leaving him with no place to sleep. If we have in person chemistry like we have on the (daily, for hours) chats/phone calls, then I'd have no problem with letting him sleep in my bed with me for a night or two. I peeked at his pictures again a little while ago and they made me a little breathless, but you can't really go on photos alone. Also, of course, there is the possibility that he is a skilled liar and is not what he seems to be and might be dangerous. Has anyone ever met up with someone from out of town? How did you handle the details if so?


Pardon me for being um concerned...but WHY would you let a man you've never met sleep in your bed when you have no idea if he's a predator,/just plain crazy, or not? I mean, even just kissing a guy puts you at risk for things like mouth herpes and stuff. In the past when I did a little online dating, I never, repeat NEVER let a guy know where I live until I'd known him a long time. That just seems insane to me. Especially if you have kids. You're putting everyone at risk. I would request that he stay at a motel or hotel and meet you for dinner somewhere busy. Offer to chip in, if that helps. Or...why not skype with him to see if you have chemistry? That's way safer.


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#74 of 142 Old 03-12-2011, 04:27 PM
 
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I will continue to assess the safety as this progresses and absolutely call it off if I get any sort of bad vibe. I haven't decided if I want to do this at all yet and he knows I'm very hesitant. I would definitely have him meet me somewhere public for the initial meet up. But, for real, I am not even close to deciding if I will actually go through with it. It wouldn't be for a month or so if we do it and I expect to talk (and yeah, probably skype) to him lots more before then.

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#75 of 142 Old 03-12-2011, 09:34 PM
 
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I guess it's just my personal comfort level, but it really scares me that people choose to sleep with someone on the first date. I understand you've connected with someone long-distance, but some people can lie to you for years before you start finding out the truth in bits and pieces. Some people manage to fool their families, coworkers, and friends into thinking they are the greatest person ever and still be psycho.


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#76 of 142 Old 03-12-2011, 09:39 PM
 
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I guess it's just my personal comfort level, but it really scares me that people choose to sleep with someone on the first date. I understand you've connected with home long-distance, but some people can lie to you for years before you start finding out the truth in bits and pieces. Some people manage to fool their families, coworkers, and friends into thinking they are the greatest person ever and still be psycho.



Yeah, I'm with you.  There is someone that I've talked to online for years, as just friends.  He's not even super far away, but when I told him he would need to find another place to stay when we met up the first time, well, lets just say we haven't talked since.  Oh well, his loss.  I have boundaries, and anyone not interested in respecting them just isn't worth it.

 

ETA - I've DTD on a first date - just not with anyone I ever met online.  Only people that I had known as friends for a long time, or who were friends of friends and I had been around them enough to feel comfortable.  But when I've only ever spoken online, or on the phone with someone, thats just not enough for me.

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#77 of 142 Old 03-13-2011, 02:31 PM
 
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I don't know,  I have mixed feelings and have been thinking a lot about the safety of online dating vs. meeting people IRL. I haven't decided really if online dating is that much more unsafe then meeting a person IRL. I mean you can find bad guys out in the real world too. At least online you get to screen them a bit from the saftey of your home, and yeah they can lie about everything in their profile or while emailing but a guy can meet you in a coffee house or something and strike up a conversation and be lying right to your face the same way.

That being said I would also have the guy get a hotel room and not invite him to my house right off. I can see how your situtation is a little trickier with him being 250 miles away but it's always best to play it safe. You'll get a really good idea about him within the first few minutes of meeting him IRL but still I think you'd want to be safe and play it like any other first time meet up with online guys. Good luck anyway with the meet up however you choose to go about it!

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#78 of 142 Old 03-13-2011, 03:02 PM
 
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Online vs. real life doesn't make much difference for me. I first met someone online almost 15 years ago (back in the days of AOL chatrooms) and we emailed and wrote letters for months (he was on the other side of the country) and ended up being good friends (we decided we weren't compatible as anything more). We finally met when I took a trip back east a few years later (soon after I'd gotten engaged to DX) and, though it gave my 80 yr old grandmother a conniption fit at the idea of meeting a "stranger" like that, it was lovely to meet him in person and I felt perfectly safe to go for a walk in a remote area with him.

 

I have a very sensitive "creep" monitor and I just trust my instincts about people and meet in public places until I am sure about someone and I haven't actually met anyone who was truly creepy, even if they did end up not being people I wanted to date (and I don't really believe that the guy who deleted his profile the day of our date was creepy, it was just bad timing). I think you need to pay attention, trust your feelings and do some research.Of course, I go out with guys in their late 30's and early 40's who are generally geeks of some sort so they tend to have long online histories (blogs, message board postings, etc), which makes them easy to research. Plus, several of the guys I've met on OKC ended up being people I'd met IRL or who were friends of friends.


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#79 of 142 Old 03-13-2011, 09:03 PM
 
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Mimim, I met R online and after chatting daily we met up and he stayed the night with me. This weekend he stayed the whole weekend. We talked about what would happen I didn't feel comfortable bringing him back to my place and he had said he expected to be driving back to his home or sleeping in his car.

      Though I know I did something which could have put me in danger, I did arrange a few safety precautions. A close friend of mine stayed in text contact with me all evening and firrst thing in the morning by which time I knew I was perfectly safe. She had all his details just in case something happened. She did protest at the idea of me bringing him back to my house, suggesting we arrange a hotel and both say there. I probably would have done that in retrospect,  had I not left it too late to book one.

     I have no regrets about meeting R from the internet. He's lovely, sweet, honest (as far as I know) and very galent.

   I am also all too aware that the man I was married to for 13 years has turnedout to be a liar, cheater, bully and all around UAV. i think we put too much stock on "knowing" someone. If nothing else I have learnt that I never really knew my sbx, so I don't think I will ever really know a man.

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#80 of 142 Old 03-15-2011, 08:02 AM
 
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Hillymum, how far away does R live? How long ago did you first meet? How often do you get to see each other?

I agree that it's not more dangerous to meet people online than from anywhere else. Google is your friend. And I have several times met people IRL who were also looking online. The only time I ever got mixed up with a creep, it was because I ignored the warning signs that were everywhere.


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#81 of 142 Old 03-15-2011, 09:41 AM
 
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I agree with booking a room for him and making it clear to him that he will be staying there.  That way you can always change your mind and let him stay with you if want.  If he balks at staying at a hotel and doesn't respect your need for safety that would be a big red flag (for me anyway).

 

I went out with the text-guy Sat night on a real date which was really fun... he's actually not shy!  I had clarified earlier in the week that I wasn't looking for someone to play Daddy to my kids.  I also told him that I'm not actually looking for anything right now just living my life and if I meet someone that fits into it great- but if not I'm ok with that too.  I think that put him at ease (which is good b/c it's the truth).  We're going to see each other again this weekend.  winky.gif

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#82 of 142 Old 03-15-2011, 09:49 AM
 
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If he speeds he can get here in 2 hours. The first time we met up he was held back at work and so left about 3 hours later than he wanted to, so he didn't arrive here until really late. I already knew he was staying with me unless any warning bells went off and they didn't. That was 3 weeks ago? He was here again last weekend but stayed the whole weekend. You have to remember that for me it was my booty call. I had been looking for some one for just sex basically. I had no expectations of seeing him again. It's only because while he was here we really talked, and then after he left we carried on chatting on yahoo. I'm not seeing him for almost a month as I only "entertain" when my children are with their father eow and the next free weekend is just before his exams. Though I enjoyed the relaxing weekend we did have I do not want to repeat that just yet.

     I have to admit my view on sex right now is a lot more open probably because it was so infrequent and soooo BAD that now I have the freedom to go out and get some! And I am and I am really loving it!!! 

 

If it feels right to you then I say go for it. if there is any part of you that hesitates, then stop and listen. You are the one in control now.

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#83 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 08:07 AM
 
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     I have to admit my view on sex right now is a lot more open probably because it was so infrequent and soooo BAD that now I have the freedom to go out and get some! And I am and I am really loving it!!! 

 

 



thumb.gif  Happy for you that you're finally enjoying it!!!!  Nothing against my stbx but we never had a physical connection (our marriage was more friendship than physical)... so I know how you feel and now I finally get what all the fuss is about!!  winky.gif

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#84 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 12:11 PM
 
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Well, I've continued on this whole dating thing. Had a few dates with the first guy I went out with, plus there has been a few coffee dates with another single Dad and a date with one other guy. I've been pretty busy! I've never really dated before, it doesn't seem like the Kiwi culture to go out on lots of dates with lots of different men, but I'm enjoying it.

 

Any how, I have a date coming up on Saturday and I am really, really looking forward to it! He's coming up from another city to see me and we're going to do dinner and maybe some drinks. He seems really nice but we haven't spoken on the phone yet, so I'm hoping that I won't be disappointed (you know how you build a picture of someone in your mind and then when you meet you realise that they are not at all the same!)

 

Sorry, rambling! Needless to say, I never thought I'd feel this way about someone after my ex left so it's even more exciting to me for that reason!


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#85 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 12:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post


 



thumb.gif  Happy for you that you're finally enjoying it!!!!  Nothing against my stbx but we never had a physical connection (our marriage was more friendship than physical)... so I know how you feel and now I finally get what all the fuss is about!!  winky.gif


haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 

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#86 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 12:46 PM
 
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So it's been almost six months, I'm still dating the Incredibly Nice Guy, and we're in love. :) We've taken it really slowly and it's great. I'm happy. 

 

1. He's stable & secure, emotionally

2. He's a good fit with current kiddos

3. He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests

4. He's stable & secure, financially/career

5. He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe

6. He is very intelligent

7. He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)

8. He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are

9.He's attractive
10. He lives in your immediate vicinity
 


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#87 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post




haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 


that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 

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#88 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 02:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post


 


that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 


agreed. i'm reading into this one carefully and all he knows is what town I live in and I wont even be here too much longer! He is divorced and says he learned a lot from his failed relationship, maybe that has something to do with it? I dont know, I also think sometimes when your only form of communication with a person is IM there can be a lot lost in the translation, he could just be not good at getting out what he really means to say via the keyboard so it comes off as a little odd? who knows I will continue chatting with him for now anyway it doesnt look like a meet up is in the near future so I can feel him out a bit longer anyway.

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#89 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 04:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post




haha, this made me laugh a little, I am hoping to one day know what the fuss is all about also! Not going to be anytime soon though for me. I have been chatting online with a very nice guy who lives only an hour away and wants to take me out but I have no free weekends in my near future :( My STBX can't have the kids on weekends w/out his parents help b/c he works nights and they are not free again until April 1st which is the weekend I have to move to my new apt. It stinks b/c I could use a night out and really want to meet this fellow. I'm not sure yet how to take him so I really want to meet him IRL. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams and goes on about ho we have so much in common but we havent even met! it's a bit wierd to me but I am lonely and like the attention ;) not a good combination I know but we'll see what happens after our first date.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

that's a little scary. redface.gif  take your time and don't give out too much information.

 

 

HUGE red flag mama.  HUGE.  He doesn't even know who you are! 
 

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#90 of 142 Old 03-16-2011, 07:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

 



 

 

HUGE red flag mama.  HUGE.  He doesn't even know who you are! 
 


definatly agreed. but maybe I should clarify a bit just so I can get some more feedback on it, he is just really heavy on the comments which im not used to. We started talking a week ago and after a lot of back and forth messages he came out with something like, "you seem like a smart, funny, beautiful person" and makes comments about how similar we seem.  I am very self conscious and might even have a border line low self esteem so stuff like this is wierd to me but maybe im just not good at accepting compliments and take it wrong? I have fun talking with him but I'm very much on gaurd with this guy. However, I also would hate to miss out on meeting up with him b/c maybe he is just really nice! ...and maybe im just a big naive doofus :0)

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