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March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity?

7K views 141 replies 24 participants last post by  zoeyzoo 
#1 ·
Who knows?

Question of the month:

Rank the following characteristics, in order of importance to you in your dating candidates:

He's stable & secure, emotionally
He's a good fit with current kiddos
He's attractive
He's stable & secure, financially/career
He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
He lives in your immediate vicinity
He is very intelligent
 
#102 ·
You are right... it was quite presumptuous of him to even assume I would fall for him after we'd known each other only 3 weeks. I decided to keep hanging out with him... I do have fun with him and great sex but my guard is up and I have no expectations. I'm also not going to stop seeing other people if the opportunity arises. I'm not looking for anything serious so it's a good reminder to just keep it casual and light and just have fun for now.
 
#103 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

I've seen the text-guy a few more times and we've had a great time together. The other night though he asked me to promise not to fall in love with him bc he is a heartbreaker. I asked him why he says that and he said his heart is hidden behind a huge wall because it's healing (he was engaged a couple years ago and apparently it ended badly). So now I keep thinking about that and wondering if I should back off or keep seeing him and take my chances but be careful. He acts like he's totally into me so I'm confused by the mixed messages. I swear I will never understand guys! What do you all think of this?
Ugh. I can think of several explanations for that, none of which I'd feel like dealing with. He could actually be telling the truth, which means he's broken. It could be his way of saying he's not that into you. It could be his annoying way of manufacturing drama, which is kind of my hunch.

Either way, it's totally annoying and totally a red flag. I like that line, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
 
#104 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

You are right... it was quite presumptuous of him to even assume I would fall for him after we'd known each other only 3 weeks. I decided to keep hanging out with him... I do have fun with him and great sex but my guard is up and I have no expectations. I'm also not going to stop seeing other people if the opportunity arises. I'm not looking for anything serious so it's a good reminder to just keep it casual and light and just have fun for now.
I've heard this technique called planting seeds. They plant "I told you so" seeds in the very beginning of a relationship "just in case". It gives them justification in their mind in case they want to move on. Something along the lines of "I just got out of a relationship and don't want anything serious" is one of the most common ones. "I have trouble getting attached" is another one. It's lame but common.
 
#105 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo View Post

I've heard this technique called planting seeds. They plant "I told you so" seeds in the very beginning of a relationship "just in case". It gives them justification in their mind in case they want to move on. Something along the lines of "I just got out of a relationship and don't want anything serious" is one of the most common ones. "I have trouble getting attached" is another one. It's lame but common.
I'm guilty of doing this. There's also, "I'm really busy right now." It means something like, "I'm not so sure about you, but I'm curious to see if I want this to go anywhere." when I say it.
 
#106 ·
but many of us could sincerely say, "i'm not really ready for anything serious" and/or "my life is super busy right now with working and kids," in order to be upfront about where we're at - and i even think it's okay to say something like that to maintain a little safe distance. that's a lot different from saying something as douchey as "promise me you won't fall in love with me" and warning that you're a heartbreaker because you've been hurt in the past and can't let anyone get close to you or whatever it was that he said.
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#107 ·
Hello ladies. I need a reality check.

Soccer coach and I were matched through okcupid. We are a 95% match (whatever that means). We live almost 3 hours away from each other. First we became facebook friends for a few weeks and then we met. It was instant chemistry. We just flowed. We've met several times after that and we are seeing each other exclusively (relationship ahh!!). I went to spend the night at his apartment last weekend....it was spotless, everything so orderly. He is scheduled to spend the night at my place this friday (my little one's night with her dad). I'm just feeling a little nervous and kind of like "this is too good to be true." So I'm almost waiting for the big bad secret to come out one of these days, or, whatever, something that would make the relationship not so perfect. You know how you have some friends who know about...composting, organic agriculture, solar power, raw milk, monsanto, nurture shock, howard zinn, skin deep database, white nose syndrome, attachment parenting, etc.....but most of those friends only know subjects A and B or C and D....this guy and I know about all the same things...it's so weird how we keep surprising each other, expecting the other person not to know about it. His shoes are arranged the same way I arrange mine, we have the same bathroom mirrors, our school folders are the same and are stored in the same way.....so weird. He has full custody of his 8 year old son (mother remarried and lives in another state) and is the soccer coach to his son's team. He's politically active. He's a vegetarian wanting to go vegan (I'm vegan). He's also poor (but so am I) due to him being a full time college student. Since we are both so busy and only get to see each about once a week, we snail mail each other books :) when we want to share something before the week's end. He had flowers waiting for me at his place last weekend. We keep in touch via text, fc, calls, emails, etc., during the week, tell each other about our days, etc. But.......the other day he brought up the possibility of transferring to my university. That totally caught me off guard - seems like he's really into me. So we talked about it, and I voiced my concern about us moving too fast. The strange thing is that it doesn't feel wrong. I mean, the rule is; move slowly, be cautious, not instantly understand each other and have the ability to have deep, personal conversations. But that's where we are. No walls.

Help me out, Mamas. Are you seeing something I'm not? It just sounds so good...and I haven't had good in forever.
 
#109 ·
interesting. it could be genuinely good, and i hope it is - that would be so awesome! but if it is, then there's no reason to rush it. you can each finish school, and then figure out who's relocating where. some people are creepy, and some people just really want to be in love and really want it to work out and are willing to transfer schools if they think it could happen, which is kind of desperate and needy, but not necessarily super bad news. in this case, i'm surprised that a guy who seems like such a "super dad" type of guy would be that quick to think, "hey, maybe i could move several hours away from my existing community for this fairly new relationship, despite the fact that my child presumably has school friends and soccer friends he would be sad to leave, and that we probably don't know anyone in the new place except lorena." otoh, maybe he wasn't saying, "hey, i could transfer schools!" like right now, but more along the lines of, "i wonder how easily my credits would transfer, if/when we reach that point in our relationship where i'd consider relocating."

how did it go when you told him your concerns?
 
#110 ·
Lorena, I think it sounds amazing. Just because it starts fast and flows fabulously from the beginning is not a reason to be suspicious, that's a reason to enjoy it and work on keeping it flowing that way.

Although I am no longer with my ex, we had a similar amazing, fast start to our relationship; we were engaged within a week of dating (had known each other very casually for at least a year before that), moved in together & bought a car together within a few months - we were married 14 mo later, had our first son almost 3 yrs later. We were together for nearly 10 years and, though there were problems after we became parents that eventually caused the end of the relationship, it was a good relationship and would have been even better and probably lasted if we'd gotten professional help with the problems we had before it had gotten too bad to fix.

Now, as a single momma, I am still open to finding something like that but I would make sure to keep our lives/homes separate enough for a long while so that, if it does end up not being what you thought, it would not be too complicated to end the relationship, for your own safety and the safety of the kids. You don't actually get to *feel* slowly when love happens, but you do get to make decisions slowly and carefully. I think it's awesome if he wants to transfer to your school but make sure that it won't disrupt his life too much to do that, in case the relationship doesn't work out. If the only reason to make a huge change like that is to be closer to one person, then it's probably not the best idea.
 
#111 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

interesting. it could be genuinely good, and i hope it is - that would be so awesome! but if it is, then there's no reason to rush it. you can each finish school, and then figure out who's relocating where. some people are creepy, and some people just really want to be in love and really want it to work out and are willing to transfer schools if they think it could happen, which is kind of desperate and needy, but not necessarily super bad news. in this case, i'm surprised that a guy who seems like such a "super dad" type of guy would be that quick to think, "hey, maybe i could move several hours away from my existing community for this fairly new relationship, despite the fact that my child presumably has school friends and soccer friends he would be sad to leave, and that we probably don't know anyone in the new place except lorena." otoh, maybe he wasn't saying, "hey, i could transfer schools!" like right now, but more along the lines of, "i wonder how easily my credits would transfer, if/when we reach that point in our relationship where i'd consider relocating."

how did it go when you told him your concerns?
Yeah, he wasn't saying he wanted to transfer immediately. He mentioned he looked into the teaching program (he's going for conservation bio and a teaching degree) at my university and how the two universities have a consortium agreement in which all the credits can automatically transfer from one to the other. He talked about the possibility of transferring in the fall (if it were to happen). Both of our leases end in August. I asked him about his kid too.....you know, about moving 3 hrs away with a child, changing schools, etc...and he said he wasn't impressed with the school system where he lives and I don't remember the rest (I'm sleepy).

When I told him about my concerns, he validated them and we talked them through.

Rubelin, I think that the distance between us makes for well thought-out decisions. You can't really act on impulse when you are 3 hrs away (well, you know what I mean), both of us are single parents, both going to school, and both working. And I really like that we support our passions. For example, 2 weeks ago I had signed up to volunteered for an endangered species program that was going to take up my friday and saturday (my only days off) and he never once asked me to skip it in order to see him, to the contrary, he was happy I was able to do something I was so looking forward to. And this saturday he has to leave my house at 9am because his soccer team has a game. He asked me if I wanted him to call another coach to take his place, but I said no, and told him we should always keep each other in track even if we'd rather have it otherwise. I just think it's very important to keep living our separate lives, with activities that fulfill us, even if it takes a bit of time away from the relationship. Personal time/separate activities are very important to me. We are both pretty happy with our lives and I would run the other way if someone tried to make me the center of their universe. I'm sleep and rambling now.

Thanks for your input Mamas!
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#112 ·
LorenaAz, that sounds so exciting! And wonderful that he is listening ton your concerns and validating them...that is such a good sign, along with the fact that you support each other with your passions. 3 hours away is quite a distance - I'm finding 1 1/2 hours away quite a challenge with LCG, but as you say it is good in that you can really take the time to figure out what you want. I really hope it works out for you.
 
#113 ·
Just wanted to say hello for now. I haven't logged into this forum for a long time. I've missed you! And lots of new names. I spent today little by little reading through the whole dating thread when I had a few free moments here and there today. It's nice to hear other's thoughts, stories, experiences, advice... Several things really resonated with me. I may come back and post my own situation soon. I'm pretty tired tonight. But it's nice to bounce things off of other single mamas. I don't really know other single mamas IRL. Thanks for being here! More soon...
 
#114 ·
Soccer coach and I talked over a lot of big topics on Friday. We talked about introducing the children (which we won't do until the middle/end of summer), gender roles and finances in the hypothetical moving-in situation come fall, and those big ugly secrets that I was waiting to see come out eventually (and they turned out not to be bad at all + I also shared mine), talked about birth control methods (vasectomy? :D ) and so many other things. We went out to dinner at my favorite veggie restaurant in town and then we went to meet up with some friends at their house. We didn't know they were hosting a party and we were way out of our comfort zone with the things going on and the people there, but we navigated those waters flawlessly. It was nice seeing him in that kind of situation. Saturday morning we had our first chance at conflict resolution (from a misinterpretation on my part) and that ended nicely too. I have a good feeling about this one.
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#115 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by LorenaAZ View Post

Soccer coach and I talked over a lot of big topics on Friday. We talked about introducing the children (which we won't do until the middle/end of summer), gender roles and finances in the hypothetical moving-in situation come fall, and those big ugly secrets that I was waiting to see come out eventually (and they turned out not to be bad at all + I also shared mine), talked about birth control methods (vasectomy? :D ) and so many other things. We went out to dinner at my favorite veggie restaurant in town and then we went to meet up with some friends at their house. We didn't know they were hosting a party and we were way out of our comfort zone with the things going on and the people there, but we navigated those waters flawlessly. It was nice seeing him in that kind of situation. Saturday morning we had our first chance at conflict resolution (from a misinterpretation on my part) and that ended nicely too. I have a good feeling about this one.
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Just have to say, this sounds awesome! I think i'd be doing the same things your doing in this situation. I mean it's true you have to be cautious about things when dating someone but then again you cant let something great pass you by! Congrats on finding a good one and good luck :)

I went on a couple dates with the guy I posted about a few pages back-heavy on the compliments and thinking we would be great together just after talking on IM. Well meeting him in person really helped b/c i could better understand his personality, he just likes to say what he's thinking without holding back! So it's fine, he's not a wierdo just thinks i'm nice and pretty I guess-nothing wrong with that ;) Which is ok but I just want to keep things casual so I hope he can get that, but if not oh well, there's the door! I plan to see him again and will just take it as it comes and go with the flow :)
 
#116 ·
I am so stoked with how things are going with the Incredibly Nice Guy. He's just great. I'm glad that we've taken the relationship slowly over the last six months, and I love the way that it's slowly but steadily developed into what it is now. There are so many things that I like so much about him. I love the overarching philosophies that he lives by. I like the way that he lives his life. We share core values about things like community, politics, what things are important in life. He deeply respects the way that I parent my son, and he tells me that all the time. He shares my belief in homebirthing and AP. I love that I can have an honest conversation with him about my mixed feelings about weaning my three year old, and he says all the right things and supports my choice either way. I love the way that he treats my son. He's literally the most considerate person that I've ever dated and he treats me so well. He's so easy and pleasant and fun to be around. I really enjoy spending time with him. Our physical connection is incredible and so fulfilling. We're on a really similar path of self-growth.

I love him and I'm in love with him, and the weird thing is, it's a different kind of love than I've felt before. It's not all-consuming, but it's feeling deeper and deeper and more and more genuine. It's like we've given ourselves space to really get to know each other and grow to love the person that the other is. We're starting to make long-term plans, like talking about taking a vacation together at the end of the summer. He's meeting my parents when they come into town next month.

So yeah. I'm really excited to see where this relationship leads us. And quite frankly, I think I need to marry this guy.
 
#117 ·
Well third time is a charm for me ladies! Had been on an online dating site for a couple of months, had met two guys, both of whom were nice and I saw one of them a few times. Was starting to lose interest in the whole thing but ended up emailing with a really great guy. We actually had *interesting* conversations over email!

Anyway, long story short he came up for the day last weekend (he's an hour away), we had an amazing time. He came up again this weekend just been and is coming up again this coming weekend! We've talked for *hours* on the phone and he is just super, super nice and sweet! He makes me laugh, he's smart and just all around a good guy. Plus, he opens my car door for me!

I am truly smitten and for once am not overthinking things and just taking them as they come! Very exciting!
 
#118 ·
Jen, that sounds like such a healthy relationship. Being in love, but not being consumed by it, is a great place to be.

Learning_Mum, how exciting! It's great that you hit it off in person too! It's nearly impossible to tell what someone is like without meeting them.

I've been playing around on OKC again, after having taken a break for a few weeks. It seems like all the guys on there that I'm interested in are too young, too short, or too far away. Or all three. I am in the process of making plans (probably for this weekend) with one guy who seems really really nice, but I'm not sure if there will be any physical attraction. He might fall into the too short category - unless he's telling the truth about his height, which almost none of these men do. I've tried really hard to get past it, but I just can't seem to be attracted to guys who are smaller than me.

Also, I'm going to hang out again soon with the guy I dropped to go back with my psycho exbf last fall, but he is being very wary of me. I think he's still waiting for me to go back to the psycho again, although he really doesn't have to worry about that. It's cool though. I'm patient. And he's fun to hang out with now and then regardless of what happens.
 
#119 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post

I've tried really hard to get past it, but I just can't seem to be attracted to guys who are smaller than me.
I'm the same way! Even when someone is matched 95% with me I just can't get over the 5'8" in there profile! and I'm only 5'9" but I just know if they say they are 5'8" they are probably going to be a good forehead shorter then me :/ I look for the 6 footers but will settle with a 5'10" :) sounds shallow but I can't help it!!
 
#120 ·
Lorena, I have to say your relationship sounds very similiar to how mine started out. Except we were both pretty cautious and asked each other a ton of deep questions, probing each other out a lot. It sounds great! And it's so fun being able to be with someone who is on the same page with you.

Jen, your relationship sounds awesome too!

I really need to update about my awesome life with Tech Guy. *giggles* I've never known anyone like him. He actually brings out the good in me. He grounds me, and he reminds me to have fun too. I've been so overwhelmed always having to validate myself all the time while everyone around me tore me down... and he is there, my rock, not only validating my feelings, but supporting me, and being right there with me to help build me back up when my Dad goes on his rampages against me.

Lorena, like you and your guy, that is another new thing with Tech Guy and I. We respect and support each other's interests and we don't cancel our lives to be with each other. That is such a new and healthy feeling for me. I'm so used to guys guilting me into staying longer, and giving up this activity or that activity... but nope, Tech Guy supports all my passions, as I do his, and then we just talk later and get excited and happy for each other that we had a great time doing our own thing too.

I'm so in love, and it grows more and more everyday. Like you said, Jen, it's so different than that chaotic abusive all-consuming love. This love feels like a warm blanket. It feels secure and genuine. I've never felt so supported, so loved, and so beautiful. When I'm with Tech Guy, I feel like I can take on the world... I've been branching out and trying things that I've been scared to do for years. lol Like the NYC trip. I actually felt confident enough to figure out the subway system... It's been a long, long time since I felt this secure in myself and what I am capable of. It's amazing how strong one can feel without constantly having to work on re-building because of dealing with day in and out abuse. I never knew life could be THIS amazing.
 
#121 ·
So happy for those of you in healthy relationships!!! Yay!!!

My jaw is still on the ground from something the text-guy wrote today. I misunderstood something he texted earlier today. He responded explaining what he meant in a really nice way. I responded later saying I felt like an idiot for assuming rather than asking what he meant. His response? "Yep. You should. I have no tolerance for assumptions"
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OMG!!! I responded "Wow. I have no tolerance for being treated with anything but respect and kindness" and immediately unfriended him on fb. Wow.Just.Wow!!!!! Should have taken all of your advice and dumped him when he gave me the "don't fall in love with me" line. Can I puke now?
 
#122 ·
Oh, Moochie! *hugs* That guy sounds like a real piece of work. What a UAV. I'm so glad you immediately unfriended him though!!! You certainly don't need to be talked to like that! And this early on... ugh... scary what he'd be saying a few months down the road!
 
#123 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

I responded "Wow. I have no tolerance for being treated with anything but respect and kindness" and immediately unfriended him on fb.
That was awesome. Sorry you went through that, but I'm glad he showed his true colors early on, and I'm so so so glad that you responded in the way you did.

If he tries to come back around, don't give him an inch.
 
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#124 ·
He's apologizing this morning. Super sweet, yadda yadda. Want to respond in a way that ends it but without pissing him off in case he is not right in the head. Any ideas? Was thinking of saying something about his warning not to fall in love with him and that I'm trying to protect myself from heartbreak later on...
 
#125 ·
I wouldn't lie about it. I don't think you really owe him much explanation. I'd just say something like, sorry, things aren't working out between us. Don't leave it open to debate. If you start talking about protecting yourself from heartbreak, that leaves an opening for him to promise that he won't break your heart, blah blah blah. I'd just say it's not working and you've decided to break it off. End of story.
 
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#126 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

He's apologizing this morning. Super sweet, yadda yadda. Want to respond in a way that ends it but without pissing him off in case he is not right in the head. Any ideas? Was thinking of saying something about his warning not to fall in love with him and that I'm trying to protect myself from heartbreak later on...
I'd say, "Thanks for the apology, but I am moving on now. Good Luck!" What a creep.
 
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