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March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity?

7K views 141 replies 24 participants last post by  zoeyzoo 
#1 ·
Who knows?

Question of the month:

Rank the following characteristics, in order of importance to you in your dating candidates:

He's stable & secure, emotionally
He's a good fit with current kiddos
He's attractive
He's stable & secure, financially/career
He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
He lives in your immediate vicinity
He is very intelligent
 
#27 ·
Bananabee, yeah, he's definitely been through break ups before. But get this: he claims all his relationships were ended by him except the last two. Ha!

Mimim, yeah, I have decided that I'm not quite ready to break up yet, to make that final decision, although it is defo leaning that way, but I"m not going to initiate contact for the remainder of my holiday. It is so hard to say whether deeper feelings have been developing between us or not, because he is a bit of a closed book in that regard. He did admit he holds himself back from me a bit, the second last time I saw him. I agree that breaking up on Skype if that's what it comes to, and I feel certain, would be ok. I''m not quite ready to let go yet though. Sucker for punishment eh. What can I say.

Shame about the online guy living so far away!! What a bummer. Good that you're not feeling lonely though. I feel tons better tonight after doing some college work and just not thinking about LCG for an hour. Remembering that I have a life, I have a lot going for me, and it doesn't all depend on some guy. As you say Bananabee, there are plenty of fish in the sea for me... God! I get quite pissed sometimes that it all takes up so much head room. Thank god for my meditation practice or it would probably be even worse!
 
#28 ·
Devaya, maybe he treated the last two like he's treating you now, and they dumped him. Maybe he's just not that into caring about a woman in his life at his age right now. It seems to me that generally speaking, stable men who want a serious relationship usually go for someone closer to their age. I have to wonder why you would want to go out with a guy who's going to be getting senior citizen discounts before you know it. Seriously. In ten years, you'd be keeping track of his meds, helping him get his socks on, and going to his cardiologist appts. You're hot stuff. You could have a good guy your age. Why date someone old enough to be your dad?
 
#29 ·
1) He's stable & secure, emotionally
2) He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
3) He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
4) He is very intelligent
5) He's stable & secure, financially/career
6) He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
7) He's a good fit with current kiddos
8) He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
9) He's attractive
10) He lives in your immediate vicinity
 
#30 ·
Hi all. Can I join you? First off, what is the quote below from?

I was excited to see this forum b/c it seems like a great place to talk things out, give/get support - the group of girlfriends I'm missing. Can I invite you all over for tea or a glass of wine? lol

I have been separated since last summer and jumped right into dating almost immediately. I needed that experience given that I had never dated before - just my ex (what's the stbx or something?) I came from a religous background that did not condone much dating.

I met a guy and dated him and fell in love but then realized I really wasn't ready. I also felt like there were some red flags. We are still friends and he is still madly in love with me. I really don't have feelings for him anymore but enjoy the friendship. Honestly, I need more girlfriends!! Mine all have a ton of kids and are married. What really got me into the whole online dating thing to begin with was feeling so lonely and bored out of my mind. I love my mom friends but honestly, with 3 or 4 little ones, they are not available for fun: hiking, dinner out, a movie, shopping or anything. And honestly, none of them even like shopping! While I can channel the earth mama goddess thing fully, I admit, I enjoy makeup and nailpolish and shopping lol.

Right now I'm reading a book called Choosing Me Before We: Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love and really enjoying it.

I am debating about dating. I know I'm not ready for a relationship at present. But I'd also like to know there are other spiritual, intelligent guys out there like my friend. And I'd like him to get over me rather than constantly being so depressed and pining away for me. Honestly, I think he needs more close friends too.

Have any of you found that it's hard to fit in after separating/divorcing? How do I meet more friends who don't have so many kids that that is their entire life? (tho believe me if I had 3 or 4 little ones I'd be the same way). I can't wait til I get into grad school this summer!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxie View Post

1) He's stable & secure, emotionally
2) He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
3) He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
4) He is very intelligent
5) He's stable & secure, financially/career
6) He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
7) He's a good fit with current kiddos
8) He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
9) He's attractive
10) He lives in your immediate vicinity
 
#31 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post

Devaya, maybe he treated the last two like he's treating you now, and they dumped him. Maybe he's just not that into caring about a woman in his life at his age right now. It seems to me that generally speaking, stable men who want a serious relationship usually go for someone closer to their age. I have to wonder why you would want to go out with a guy who's going to be getting senior citizen discounts before you know it. Seriously. In ten years, you'd be keeping track of his meds, helping him get his socks on, and going to his cardiologist appts. You're hot stuff. You could have a good guy your age. Why date someone old enough to be your dad?
LOL! Thanks for the perspective Bananabee ;) Very true, and something that has crossed my mind more than once, and freaked me out a bit! I guess I had just got fed up of 30-something-year-old guys who were still figuring out who they were and working through their issues and mostly didn't seem to have any money or proper career either. This guy, while 55, is established,has done lots of therapy, is comfortable with himself and has money too. Plus he is the best in bed I've ever encountered, (perhaps due to so much experience!) we are a really good match in that regard and he's commented on it a lot. I disagree that stable men who want a serious relat necessarily go for someone their age... he is a very álternative'person and most people in his age group are married, settled down and not available, or are not particularly open minded and alternative (of course there are exceptions). In the holistic, spiritual crowds he moves in, most of the women are younger, and that's just the way it is - he's looking for a like minded partner, which is understandable. He also told me when we were still just friends that he was currently only dating women of childbearing age b/c he hasn't given up on his dream of being a father. I do believe he is looking for someone to settle down with, but like most people has some ambivalence about that. I would love to get married but I am also terrified of the idea, and the last guy I was involved with was so into a future with me, it actually turned me off completely. People are complicated... but at the same time I don't want to allow myself to be taken for a ride

I don't mean to make it sound like it's been all bad. He's romantic, we have lots of fun together, he makes me laugh and we share interests that we can participate in together - this is all a first for me, since none of my previous boyfriends shared my interests and we had completely separate lives. I have decided to take a different approach now of putting myself first, focusing on my stuff and redirecting my thoughts when I start to obsess about him. Last night I worked on an essay for my course (that I'd been putting off) and it felt so good. Reading a woman called Rori Raye online has been very helpful - she has E-books you have to pay for but she does free newsletters which have a lot of helpful content in them. Basically it's about connecting with good, love feelings in yourself and radiating that out, and doing visualisations around that, so that you are no longer feeling trapped and dependent on one particular man's affections. Thinking every day, what do I need to make ME happy, and doing and being that. Regarding the man you're with as just one of many possibilities and putting HIM to the test rather than feeling that you're trying to measure up for HIM. As in,'"You'd be lucky to be with me", not the other way around. I'm starting to believe it!
 
#32 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Attached Mama View Post

Hi all. Can I join you? First off, what is the quote below from?

I was excited to see this forum b/c it seems like a great place to talk things out, give/get support - the group of girlfriends I'm missing. Can I invite you all over for tea or a glass of wine? lol

I have been separated since last summer and jumped right into dating almost immediately. I needed that experience given that I had never dated before - just my ex (what's the stbx or something?) I came from a religous background that did not condone much dating.

I met a guy and dated him and fell in love but then realized I really wasn't ready. I also felt like there were some red flags. We are still friends and he is still madly in love with me. I really don't have feelings for him anymore but enjoy the friendship. Honestly, I need more girlfriends!! Mine all have a ton of kids and are married. What really got me into the whole online dating thing to begin with was feeling so lonely and bored out of my mind. I love my mom friends but honestly, with 3 or 4 little ones, they are not available for fun: hiking, dinner out, a movie, shopping or anything. And honestly, none of them even like shopping! While I can channel the earth mama goddess thing fully, I admit, I enjoy makeup and nailpolish and shopping lol.

Right now I'm reading a book called Choosing Me Before We: Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love and really enjoying it.

I am debating about dating. I know I'm not ready for a relationship at present. But I'd also like to know there are other spiritual, intelligent guys out there like my friend. And I'd like him to get over me rather than constantly being so depressed and pining away for me. Honestly, I think he needs more close friends too.

Have any of you found that it's hard to fit in after separating/divorcing? How do I meet more friends who don't have so many kids that that is their entire life? (tho believe me if I had 3 or 4 little ones I'd be the same way). I can't wait til I get into grad school this summer!!
Hello and welcome Attached Mama! The quote is from Butterflymom, who started this thread, you can find it on the first page of this thread - it's basically a list of priorities in a man that we're looking for, i.e. you number the qualities from 1 to 10 in order of which are most important for you.

I can relate to the difficulty of finding girlfriends after a split... my frirends with kids, I find impossible to have a real conversation with b/c the kids are always there - guess it'll get easier when they're older, but right now any childfree time is usually spent alone, catching up with chores and work/study. Good for you for ending the relat when you saw the red flags and realiesd you weren't ready - takes a lot of strength in my experience. It must be tricky still being friends with him though, seeing how he is feeling from the breakup... doesn't sound that healthy to me. There are other guys like that out there. Do you have 5 Rhythms dance classes where you are? They can be a good source of spiritual intelligent guys, but only in bigger classes really, in bigger cities, as my clsas only hs a very few men, most of them not v attractive! But I've seen lots of interesting ones at the big city one I attend at times. Grad school also should help. Good luck!
 
#33 ·
I just thought it would be interesting to chalk up our dating pursuits like that & compare notes.

My girlfriends are my saving grace after divorce. The guy friends as well. My friendships have been everything. Literally think I'd be nowhere without them.

Cool as a Cucumber is my best friend these the last 8 months. He may or may not be in love with me, but he cares about & looks out for my well-being more than any guy ever has. Consistent like nothing I knew possible. Smart smart--- 'wicked smaht,' and such good genes on the outside that I fantasize about what our babies would look like.

But will his love meter ever switch on & dial up strongly enough to a level where we're even remotely on the same page? Can I calm down the lovesick kitten feelings? I hate feeling that I'm more into him than he is into me. But he jumps at my beck & call, and takes care of me and sends messages every single day. He doesn't act ambivalent. He just doesn't 'speak' the language of romantic passion. Le sigh.

Devaya- such wisdom on this thread regarding your older guy.
Martha- send him a message if you feel like it! No stress!

LoveOhm - how goes it?
Sugarmoon- delurk, damn it!
 
#34 ·
I've been pondering Butterflymom's list of desires and decided that I can't put them in any order, because every single one is very important to me. I have a very long page of attributes I'm looking for in a soulmate as I've been doing a lot of work with Deliberate Creation (what's popularly called "the Secret" nowadays but I've been practicing for about 15 years) and I want to be sure the universe doesn't leave anything out
winky.gif
All those 10 are included in some way in that list, though stated a bit differently. Overall, I need to be with someone who is a good fit for me and my family and our life; I'm not gonna be changing to fit a man and I don't want him changing to fit me. I need to be physically and emotionally and intellectually attracted to him, and do not care a bit if he's attractive to the rest of the world. I'm not into dating as a past-time, only as a means to get to know someone. I'm pretty low maintenance and don't like generic romantic gestures; I prefer hanging out casually and just being part of each others lives.
 
#35 ·
Hi everyone. This was my into post bad in the January thread:

I guess I'll join the fray too, even though I'm NON-dating, not really dating. You may remember that I just left my emotionally abusive husband not quite 2 months ago. Well, things are going pretty well on that front, no major drama yet. I finally sent a text to my daughter's best friend's dad. Way back when my marriage drama started he had offered to cook us dinner sometime (the kids and I), so I wanted to see if the offer was still good. I also had concerns about his daughter and wanted to offer my support. Anyway. . . we've been talking a lot. Neither of us are in a place where we are healthy enough to maintain a relationship and we both know it. We are just friends. I love it!!! I've never had someone be so open and honest with me about their feelings before. We talk about everything and analyze it to death until we've made peace with it. Neither of us knows if life will lead us to a place where we can support on another's passions or not but we both acknowledge that a wonderful friend is a gift in itself.

I've gone on a few dates with someone else and quickly learned that he was using me and wasn't over his x-wife. . . fun stuff. Things are pretty much the same with my friend, which is a very good thing. We spend Friday night together: walked in the woods, painted pictures, talk and talked and talked. I slept in his bed and he slept on the couch. He offered to share sleep(friendly cuddle) but I had to say "no thanks". I'm not good at sleeping with someone and the one time it worked for me it meant WAY to much to me emotionally. I knew it could take 'us' to a place in my mind neither one of us are ready for. He totally respected my "no" and I explained myself in the morning and he was glad I had made that decision. In the morning took another walk and went our separated ways for the day. Last night we took yet another walk and made an amazing tapas dinner. . . same sleeping arrangements. This morning he made breakfast and we talked until noon. Then we both had things to do. We hug good morning, good night, hello and goodbye but other than that there is no physical contact. I got a text thanking me for a great weekend.

This man is totally amazing. We are both recovering from relationships and doing a lot of work with our therapists. Who knows what the future will bring. We know we're looking at least a year at this level and maybe more. I'm OK with that. I treasure our friendship, and that is enough.
 
#36 ·
Hi everyone- I'm new to the single/ dating thing. Separated from stbx in Oct, had a fwb for a few months that's now ended. I met a guy last weekend, kissed him the night we met then we texted (and sexted) non-stop all week. Hung out with him yesterday (took our dogs for a walk, lunch). He is really chatty on texts but barely said anything when we were together. I don't know if he's shy or nervous or what but we hung out for several hours. Or maybe I'm just used to guys who never stop talking.
eyesroll.gif
The last time I was single cell phones didn't exist so I'm new to getting to know someone by text.

What have your experiences been with texting and with shy guys?

Here's my priority list: (huh- looks like I'm not looking for something serious, just someone to have fun with
winky.gif
)

1. Fun

2. Attractive

3. Stable emotionally

4. Intelligent

5. Socially simpatico

6. Lives in immediate vicinity

7. Stable financially

8. Good fit with kiddos

9. Wants similar future

10. Ready to commit when I am
 
#37 ·
Moochie Mamma, if he is shy you should give him time to warm up to you. He might need to get adjusted. Texting is so different from actually talking - the response time is vastly longer - you have time to think before you have to reply.

I'm still not finding anyone I want to date although I'm forcing myself to be as social as possible. I went out on Saturday and drank too much and had many fleeting flirtations. On Sunday morning, I initiated a conversation with the strange man sitting across from me in the coffeeshop. I went on an internet date on Sunday evening. We had a blast together and felt really comfortable, but I wasn't even a tiny bit attracted to him. We agreed to hang out as friends again sometime soon. And then I have a stupid absurd dorky crush on a guy who I've been chatting with a bunch, but who lives out of state. It's helpful to have such a low pressure crush. I can ignore his faults (of which there must be many, since I'm uncontrollably drawn to him and I have a tendency to be attracted to deeply flawed people) and just get all swoony when I wake up to find that he sent me multiple emails containing links to articles while I was sleeping and to get all dreamy because his explanation for why he looks at my dating profile several times a day is because I'm beautiful. It's funny how that works. If I didn't like him, I would find those things annoying and even creepy, but since I do like him, I get in a flutter over them.

I do miss having a boyfriend, but I don't want the one I had a few months ago back. I did at first. I'm feeling patient and optimistic and happy to be establishing new routines and making some new connections with people on any level.
 
#38 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Mimim, I see your point about the 3 months thing... when you see it in black and white it does sound like a short time. Yet the 3 months have seemed really long to me, and I am just used to relationships which are pretty established by this point...where "I love you"has been said, basically. I'm not asking to be engaged to be married or moving in with the guy, but I am usually more sure of where things stand, and am feeling more closeness and connection. A few months ago I was dating a guy who, while not as long distance as LCG, was still a good 45 minute drive away, we could only see each other once or twice a week, and in the 7 weeks we were together we got so close, we talked loads on the phone and were really open and honest with each other. So I know that it is possible. I don't really get the point of playing it safe for months as he seems to want to do, b/c I still get attached and hurt anyway, even tho I am not letting myself fully fall in love with him... I think you might as well go all in and see what there is between you.

It's possibly true that he doesn't want to be as close as I want us to be yet, but it's not as if my email was talking about any of that 'relationship stuff, it was just a normal friendly email about what I'd been up to on my holiday so far and what was going on for me.'So him not responding to it just shows a total lack of interest and possibly self absorption as well. I also remember reading a relationship book that said people often diffuse their "love energy" amongst lots of friends of the opposite sex, and then have less of it for their partner...so true in his case since he is a roaring socialite and has many close female friends - which I'm not jealous of, but he has himself said that he finds it a bit much sometimes.

Attuned Mama, I had to laugh at your mention of him being immature since he's nearly twice my age and has this really émotionally mature persona'. I am however starting to wonder if it's all BS, b/c he is clearly quite scared of commitment, and has shown a real lack of emotional sensitivity at times - e.g after my birthday dinner I was a bit upset about something harsh a good friend said and he totally dismissed it and basically told me not to feel what I felt, sticking up for my friend! (He was at the dinner too). The reasons I'm finding it so hard to let go of this guy is that I can see so much potential - the first few weekends we spent together were SO amazing and so connected, and since then he just seems to be putting one barrier after another between us. And the other reason is, well, sad as it is, I really like being in a relationship, and the thought of starting all over again looking for someone is so depressing. But I cheered myself up last night though thinking of all the summer festivals I plan to go to and how there will definitely be younger, more attractive and interesting guys there ;)
Are we seeing the same guy? What is it with these older guys and committment?
eyesroll.gif
 
#39 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoeyZoo View Post

Are we seeing the same guy? What is it with these older guys and committment?
eyesroll.gif
It would stand to reason that if he's never been married and has had plenty of chances in the past, he's probably not looking for commitment. Especially if he's going for women half his age. It's just sex, and when you get annoying and want his attention after he's already bored, he dumps you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I dated a player once who was about 8 yrs older than me, and he was just like that. He was a great guy, and lots of fun, just not a great long-term partner (esp since I wouldn't sleep with him). I'm sure he's still single now, and probably dating teenagers.
 
#40 ·
Quote:
Sugarmoon- delurk, damn it!
For some reason, this made me want to break into crazy, maniacal laughter.

But...

Hi.

Here I am.

ATG is still.....ATG.

There are a few new (or old) players though. I reconnected with that guy from the end of last summer, I think I was calling him the Shy Commuter? We haven't actually *seen* each other again, but he contacted me and we've been trading emails. I was tentatively planning to see him this coming weekend, but I think I'm keeping my friend's kids overnight so she and her husband can have a night off for her birthday. Shy Commuter will keep :). He's not anything that's ever going to be a relationship, he and I are both clear about that, but he's pleasant company, and when we talk politics, it is downright intense, and that can't really be beat.

I also had a drink last weekend with a new guy, who is going to have to remain nameless for now. He seems like a nice enough guy, attractive enough, good dad -- he has primary custody of his 2 kids, coaches their sports teams etc etc.....Do you hear the roaring sound made by the complete lack of sparks? Yeah....but we're trading emails back and forth still, and talking about trying for lunch this week. So...we'll see.

The ATG mess is still where my head is, and until I can kick that, I'm just going through the motions with these other guys. But, sometimes, if you keep going through the motions, you find yourself dancing, you know? That's what I'm hoping at least.
 
#41 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by rubelin View Post

I've been pondering Butterflymom's list of desires and decided that I can't put them in any order, because every single one is very important to me. I have a very long page of attributes I'm looking for in a soulmate as I've been doing a lot of work with Deliberate Creation (what's popularly called "the Secret" nowadays but I've been practicing for about 15 years) and I want to be sure the universe doesn't leave anything out
winky.gif
All those 10 are included in some way in that list, though stated a bit differently. Overall, I need to be with someone who is a good fit for me and my family and our life; I'm not gonna be changing to fit a man and I don't want him changing to fit me. I need to be physically and emotionally and intellectually attracted to him, and do not care a bit if he's attractive to the rest of the world. I'm not into dating as a past-time, only as a means to get to know someone. I'm pretty low maintenance and don't like generic romantic gestures; I prefer hanging out casually and just being part of each others lives.
Such a good point Rubelin. I'm also into manifestation/deliberate creation (though not for as long as you - 15 years of practicing it is impressive) and have been thinking about how to apply this to romantic relationships. I think I have been focusing on the negative a lot about my current guy and this is really going against creating something positive. I want to keep my thoughts and feelings centred around a positive, nurturing, committed relationship rather than what is missing in the current one, or what could go wrong. That way I trust that even if LCG is not right for me in the end, I will attract somebody who IS. One thing I wonder though, with the deliberate creation stuff, maybe you could shed some light on it: with the whole emphasis (in books like 'The Secret' and 'The Power', 'The Vortex' etc) on thinking and focusing only on what you want more of, what you like, how do you avoid deluding yourself to what's really going on, as in, if a guy is just taking you for a ride? I realised that I've mainly been reporting on the lacks and negative stuff about LCG, on here, but there is just as much good stuff - and what is good, is really really good. If I had been posting about that, everyone would have said, wow, great. But I've chosen to focus on what isn't working, so of course people have heard that and responded with negative interpretations. It's still only one side of the story. So that results in a whole loop of thinking that is in the end pretty disempowering. Does that make sense? Hope so!
 
#42 ·
and 2x and 2y, sounds like a good situation for you right now with the friendship. It's great to have a nurturing honest open relationship like that without complicating it with sex...I"ve always wished I could have a guy friend like that!

Mimim, how do you have time to see /meet all these guys? I've been thinking that it would be really healthy for me to date other guys or at least have a coffee here and there, but not sure how to make the space in my life with only one night off a week (which is when I go to my dance class - you get the odd cute guy there he usually has a girlfriend and most of the rest of the guys are 50 plus and not v attractive!) It's great that you're flirting and having some good interactions even if they don't necessarily lead anywhere.
 
#43 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devaya View Post

Mimim, how do you have time to see /meet all these guys? I've been thinking that it would be really healthy for me to date other guys or at least have a coffee here and there, but not sure how to make the space in my life with only one night off a week (which is when I go to my dance class - you get the odd cute guy there he usually has a girlfriend and most of the rest of the guys are 50 plus and not v attractive!) It's great that you're flirting and having some good interactions even if they don't necessarily lead anywhere.
My kids live with me only 50% of the time, so I have a lot of time to myself. Really, I have had better luck with meeting people online, because it's a much more efficient way to find someone you might have something in common with. I've met a few guys on OKCupid lately, but none of them stuck and there aren't any more I might be interested on there. But it's easy to meet people out and about, because I live in a very densely populated neighborhood in Chicago that is brimming with single 30 and 40 somethings, but honestly most of them aren't "my type".

What do you do about facebook and new men though? My internet crush wants me to add him. I can set it so he can't see the pictures of my kids and stuff can't I? I don't use it much. There's not much personal info on there that he doesn't know other than my last name and some pictures.
 
#44 ·
About the facebook:

You can also really just tell him you aren't comfortable adding him yet. Some people are really into adding right away, but I'm not. My facebook is where I rant and rave, act silly etc. I don't want anyone on there who i don't know and trust.

Anyway, not adding him will probably just make you seem all that much more alluring :)
 
#45 ·
i'm in the same boat with the Facebook thing. I thought maybe after i met the guy I found on OKC i'd feel more comfortable adding him but I dont know, I am picky about FB friends (I only have 88!) and am wondering if this guy is just passing through my life anyway what's the point of putting him on there. This is all probably not worth thinking of anymore anyway b/c I haven't really heard from him since our date friday night so i'm thinking he wasnt all that into me?
 
#46 ·
molly, you can make a group on FB with certain privacy settings and add him to it. I have a group called "public only" which pretty much only shows those people what the rest of the public can see (no photos, posts or personal info), so the only difference is that they can see the name I use there (which includes both my last names), I show up on their friends list and I can see whatever they allow me to see. I use the group for former classmates who were never really friends or older family members who might be offended by things I post and anyone who is kind of a friend but I'm not entirely sure about.

Devaya, I think there's a thin line between acknowledging what doesn't work for you and focusing on it. When you are focusing about what you need, then the things that aren't that will become more obvious and you can either decide that they can be manged or you decide the good parts aren't enough. I get very stuck in patterns of focusing on the crap parts of my life and have to purposefully yank myself out of it and release the anger, upset, whatever, behind it. It would be nice if everyone around me cooperated with this (like I am tired of da' ex giving me reasons to be pissed off at him
irked.gif
) but in the end, it's all just my stuff to get through and it does all lead to growth, which is what I'm going for.
 
#47 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post

Ok so I went on a date...now what? :) I had dinner last night with someone I met online and had been talking with for about 2 weeks or more. We stayed at the restaurant for about 2 and a half hours talking and I had a good time and wouldn't mind seeing him again. We parted with me saying something like "so we'll talk soon then?" and he responded with some kind of yes answer but i'm not really sure if he was really into the date or not? He did most of the talking just b/c he's a chatty person, which I dont mind b/c im quieter, I added my bits to the conversation but i could tell he liked talking :) I'm just not sure what I should do next, do I call him, wait for him to call me? message him on OKC, wait for him to message me? text message him something like "had a good time last night, thanks again for dinner"? I'm clueless when it comes to dating rules and regulations :) please help!
I would wait for him to contact you. If he doesn't contact you in a week then assume he's not interested. You want a man who's really into you. At this stage if he is he will find a way to ask you out again quickly. Many men are concerned about looking too eager so they'll wait a couple of days. I strongly believe in letting the guy persue you at the beginning. I am of the mindset that a guy needs to show me he's really into me and that is one of the ways men show they are interested.
 
#48 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha27 View Post

i'm in the same boat with the Facebook thing. I thought maybe after i met the guy I found on OKC i'd feel more comfortable adding him but I dont know, I am picky about FB friends (I only have 88!) and am wondering if this guy is just passing through my life anyway what's the point of putting him on there. This is all probably not worth thinking of anymore anyway b/c I haven't really heard from him since our date friday night so i'm thinking he wasnt all that into me?
The date was Friday? If you don't hear from him today, I'd write him off. The trouble with the internet is that everybody seems to be on the lookout for the next best thing all the time. I remember feeling addicted to first dates for a while when I started. Really, I think dating is a skill that has to be learned.

I don't want this guy to know my last name right now, but I was telling one of my co-workers about this dilemma and she reminded me that she uses her middle name on FB in place of her last name. Combined with blocking him from some of my content, that should be good enough.
 
#49 ·
The date was Friday? If you don't hear from him today, I'd write him off. The trouble with the internet is that everybody seems to be on the lookout for the next best thing all the time. I remember feeling addicted to first dates for a while when I started. Really, I think dating is a skill that has to be learned.

yep it was friday- I did get a "how was your night" text saturday night at around 2am and responded and then got another response but that was the end of it and i'm not sure I count that really :/ Whatever, this was my first date since the seperation so I really didn't have a lot invested in it, I think i'll be fine if he doesnt call again :)
 
#50 ·
The Saturday night text counts, Martha. Who was the last person to text? If it was him, totally go for sending him another. There is a ton of rejection being faced by a lot of the men who are involved in online dating; they get guarded after a while.

Also, I completely disagree that you should make a man chase you. You view yourself as his equal right? This is the 21st century isn't it? It would be totally appropriate to ask him out for the 2nd date, even if he hadn't texted you to check in already. Be honest with him, while remaining conscious and respectful of his boundaries. Of course, by doing that, you face having a direct rejection or having a guy who isn't so into you give you a second chance, but you really have nothing to lose and a low stakes learning experience to gain.
 
#51 ·
haha oh the joys of dating! analysing texts and first date play-by-plays :) ok so he texted me a question then I texted him back with an answer and a question then he texted me a response with an added funny comment and I texted back with another joking kind of comment that didn't require response and that was the last of it!

I definatly need more dating practice!! we usually talk in the evening and I did notice he wasnt on OKC at all yesterday except in the early morning so i'll just see what tonight brings. I must say I am having fun with this online stuff though, it's perfect for moms like me who dont get to get out much! I have my kids almost always, right now they only go see their dad every other weekend so it hinders the going out kind of dating for me a bit!
 
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