March Dating Shenanigans - Spring is in the air.... Scintillating Surprises? Serenity? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 01:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Who knows?

Question of the month:

Rank the following characteristics, in order of importance to you in your dating candidates:

He's stable & secure, emotionally
He's a good fit with current kiddos
He's attractive
He's stable & secure, financially/career
He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
He lives in your immediate vicinity
He is very intelligent
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#2 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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1. Attractive
2. Intelligent
3. Financially & career-wise established
4. Current-kid-friendly
5. Emotionally-secure
6. Fun
7. Committed
8. Similar future family plans
9. Blends w/ my people
10. My area


Cucumber is imperfect in regards to 4, 7, & 9
He's perfect (full 70%!) in the other regards. And not totally off in regards to 4 & 7 (I'll give him half points, so he's up to 80%) & 9 isn't so awful either (quarter points). So cucumber scores 82.5% in my mind, by these metrics. But actually, I asked you to rank these by importance. So I should score on a weighted scale where the top issues are more important. But I'm on my iPhone & can't be bothered. smile.gif

In case you guys were wondering, physical zazazoom falls under the 'fun' category, but also emotional security... Since affection isn't only recreation, it's an expression of sentiment & healthy connection.

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#3 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 04:01 AM
 
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Top priority 1-10, and I am not interested in dating anything less!

 

Which is why I'm not dating! :lol

 

I did have a fun friend-date the other night with a dance friend. we danced and laughed all evening, and I was worried he might want more, but he has a girlfriend. I was so relieved!  I am attracted to him but there is no longterm potential, and I am so over dating guys with short term potential.  That was sooo 2010 :lol

 

 

Edited in an attempt to get the smilies right...

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#4 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 06:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Feel free to add additional metrics!

I didn't really put things like chemistry/love since by default you wouldn't be considering partnering with someone who you weren't pretty fond of. smile.gif
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#5 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 07:05 AM
 
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1. Intelligent
2. Emotionally secure
3. Common interests
4. Lives nearby
5. Similar future plans
6. Committed
7. Established finances and career
8. Attractive
9. Currently kid friendly
10. Currently family and friend friendly

Intelligence and emotional security are by far the most important to me. Having fun together and having common interests are really important too. Attractiveness is important, but I put it far down the list because men are only physically appealing to me if I like their personality and I'm not at all needing "good looks" or a "hot body". I'm not worried about someone who will blend with my kids or family right now, but they need to be cool with doing that eventually. I'm tempted to post this list to my OKC profile, because I'd really like to find a guy who fits this profile. Of course, I have met bunches who do, but the "chemistry" and "love" part had been absent so far. eyesroll.gif

And the guy who I am working on getting over was completely lacking in numbers 2, 5, 6, 9, and 10. There was lots of chemistry and emotional attachment, but that can't make up for the rest of it. It's helpful to think about it this way.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#6 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 09:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad it was useful to you! Typed it up on my iPhone on the train this morning....
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#7 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 10:36 AM
 
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1. Intelligent
2. Emotionally secure

4. Currently kid friendly
5. Common interests

6. Committed
4. Lives nearby
5. Similar future plans
7. Established finances and career
8. Attractive
10. Currently family and friend friendly

 

 

I think I've missing for the last half of the Feb dating thread.  I was kinda taking a little break and also getting a lot of work done for school.  I'm submitting a research abstract that needs to be 150 words or less....crazy.   Anyway,  I have a coffee date tomorrow morning with a very promising man.  :)   We'll meet up at a local coffee shop after I drop my little one off at school, so 8:45ish.  I am SO nervous about it!!  I don't usually get nervous before dates, but there's something about this guy... We met through okcupid and have been facebook friends for about 1-2 weeks.  When he "friended" me, my profile picture was me nursing my daughter in a Sedona creek (I'm a bit of a lactivist, she's 8 months old in the picture) and he just has so many compliments and positivity to offer and throw my way; it's great.  He's also a creative writer and seems like a fun person.  I'll call him Sugar Plum.  A short story will be given to me tomorrow morning to offer any edits I may have. 

I have another date on Fri night...this one is driving over 2 hours to come to my city and we've been chatting and have been friends on facebook for a few weeks (met through okcupid also).  He's a single dad (full custody) to a 9 year old boy.  This one seemed really promising until we talked on the phone...hahaha...we talked for a bit over an hour, but we weren't "flowing" if you know what I mean.  We shall see.  I do feel like these 2 candidates are far better than the few previous guys I've dated...crossing my fingers and hoping they don't also turn out to be frogs. 

 

So, yes...it seems as if Spring has finally sprung around here (lol just ignore the snow).

 

Hope everyone has a lovely March!! 

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#8 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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other than mutual attraction, living in the same area and wanting similar things out of life, this is my tool for figuring out of a potential date is worth my time:

http://charactercounts.org/sixpillars.html

 

even though it's written for kids, it's still really, really helpful for me.

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#9 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 04:30 PM
 
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Helloooooo!!! I'm just going to lurk around in here for a little bit if you don't mind. I'm not dating anyone now and I'm not sure when I'll feel like dating again. My baby boy is only 5 months old and I've been single since I found out I was pregnant. I just didn't want to date anyone while pregnant and since his birth I haven't had time really. When do people like me start dating? I know there isn't any real answer to this question of course. How did some of you decide you were ready to date?
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#10 of 142 Old 03-01-2011, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Doubledutch, thanks for posting the link. I think 'character' is a great additional quality to put on the list, which I guess is sort of part of 'emotionally stable & secure', as well as 'committed' (since I didn't really mean 'committed in a way you can't trust because this man isn't fair, honest, & won't honor his commitment with integrity).

In this area of the '6 pillars of character,' Sir Cool as a Cucumber scores off the charts, in a way I've never before seen in a man. Talk about marriage material.... smile.gif
Yeah, it's been awhile & no 'love' or 'future' talk, but 7-months probably doesn't feel as long to him as it does to me, so I'll be patient while he grows into the role that I envision him someday filling. Well, at least until July when we hit our 1-year mark.

Is it a good sign that his family wants me (& Cucumber) to join them on a holiday abroad next month, he loves the idea, but won't go without me? smile.gif
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#11 of 142 Old 03-03-2011, 06:24 AM
 
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I LOVE that list DD!  :-) 

 

1 ~ Stable & Emotionally Secure

2 ~ Intelligent

3 ~ Fun & Funny - Lots in Common/Shared Interests

4 ~ Stable and Responsible in finances and career

5 ~ Similiar Future Plans/Goals

6 ~ Good fit with current kiddos

7 ~ Attractive

8 ~ Socially simpatico with your style/tribe

9 ~ Committed

10 ~ Lives nearby

 

Stable and emotionally secure after all the BS I have gone through is my #1.  Being intelligent and able to to hold a conversation with me without me having to "dumb" down my vocab is pretty important.  I have found through trial and error that common interests is actually really high on my list.  I never had thought about it before, but my last relationship, besides being terribly abusive, also lacked in the common interest area a lot, and it really sucked not having someone to attend various events with and such. 

 

That is such a key element into how wonderful my current relationship is.  We are able to kick back and really enjoy life and have a good time, without drama over deciding what to do and who is compromising that day, as we both love and are interested in the same things so anything we decide to do, we both equally love and enjoy it.  It has really added an amazing element to the relationship that I lacked in others.

 

Like a PP, attractiveness for me takes on a lot more from personality than looks.  Once a person starts being a UAV, I lose attraction big time... physical looks come and go, and to a degree I suppose so does personality, but the basics and foundation of a personality pretty much stay the same. 

 

 

 

 


ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

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#12 of 142 Old 03-03-2011, 08:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamitaM View Post

Helloooooo!!! I'm just going to lurk around in here for a little bit if you don't mind. I'm not dating anyone now and I'm not sure when I'll feel like dating again. My baby boy is only 5 months old and I've been single since I found out I was pregnant. I just didn't want to date anyone while pregnant and since his birth I haven't had time really. When do people like me start dating? I know there isn't any real answer to this question of course. How did some of you decide you were ready to date?

I started thinking about dating about 6 or 7 months after my marriage fell apart. My youngest was 3 then. I'm pretty sure I would have waited to start looking for dates for another year or so had she been an infant, mostly because I lose my sex drive when I'm nursing. redface.gif In my opinion, it's best to start dating when you honestly feel ready and not worry about "appropriate" time frames.

I have a tentative date this weekend. This guy has zero long term potential (he's way to young for one thing) and I really am hoping to eventually find something deep and meaningful and enduring. I'm torn about whether I should go out with him and have fun or skip it and stay home alone. Do those of you that are in pursuit of a "relationship" ever just go on frivolous dates for the random fun of it? I have done that many times before, but this time, I'm just not feeling like it. I wouldn't mind having a dinner and conversation partner on Saturday night though. Opinions?

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#13 of 142 Old 03-03-2011, 08:39 AM
 
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 1. Emotionally secure

2. Intelligent

3. FUn and funny/lots in common/ shared interests

4. Current-kid-friendly

5. FInancially and career-wise established

6. Attractive

7. Blends with my peope

8. Committed

9. Similar future family plans

10. My area

 

LCG scores top on everything except 6, 8 and 10 - not quite sure about 9 yet as he has given me mixed messages on that one. 6 is for me something that fluctuates, and when I'm feeling into him I find him v attractive and sexy - when I'm feeling less secure in the relat and stuff is úp', then less so. I do still look at other men quite a lot but I think that's bc I am quite an aesthetic person, but it could also indicate I'm not totaly into him....

 

Him living 50 miles away (10) means that things develop more slowly but it isn't in itself a big down factor, which has made me realise that distance is not so important. I would def prefer him to live closer but \the other factors are more important. Committed...tricky one...he is committed to me for now, for what we have, but I have no idea what the future ideas are. Butterflymom, interesting what you said about the 7 months maybe feeing less long to Cucumber than to you - LCG and I have only known each other 6 months and been together for 3 months, and that seems like a LONG time to me, but isn't to him, since he thinks it's crazy to think of a 2 month relationship as being a seroius one.... a bit of a conflict of ideas there! 

 

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#14 of 142 Old 03-03-2011, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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  I wouldn't mind having a dinner and conversation partner on Saturday night though. Opinions?


Go for it.  Mamas, like girls, just wanna (gotta!) have fun.

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#15 of 142 Old 03-03-2011, 07:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


 



Go for it.  Mamas, like girls, just wanna (gotta!) have fun.


yep, sometimes it can be just for fun! I've got a drink date tomorrow night and i'm not too sure if we are going to click or if it's just too early for me to be seeing other guys but I like the excited/nervous feeling I have right now about it and i'm pretty sure i'll enjoy at least some of the date if not all of it and maybe get a free drink out of it ;)
 

 

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#16 of 142 Old 03-04-2011, 08:01 AM
 
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Mimim, good luck for your date... I would go anyway, even if there's no long term potential. It could be fun and good for the self esteem if nothing else.

 

Is ábility to listen' included in one of the priority items on the list?? I often wonder if I'm just unrealistic to expect and hope for a guy I'm involved with to really listen to me and hear what I'm saying...is it just a man thing to not be that brilliant at it? What are your experiences? I'm fuming at LCG a bit after he responded to my email y.day with absolutely NO REFERENCE to anything I had said in my email. I have decided to say my truth to him more and not be so 'nice'', so I told him that although I knew he was busy etc, an acknowledgement, however brief, of what I have said means that I feel more heard and connected. He responded with a cursory comment that 'didn't really acknowledge what I had  said, (i said that I was enjoying my holiday but that I had some challenges with my parents, and he just said ''sounds like ur having a lovely time!"') and made more excuses about being stressed, tired etc. I am really hurting right now with this guy. When I last saw him I told him about a death in the family and he seriously didn't respond AT ALL. He used to be a psychotherapist and does lots of 'people' work, so I really don't get it. Maybe he is just really not interested. I wish he'd be clear about it and just come out and say it though. I need to distract myself from thinking about him but not being at home with my usual networks and stuff to do is making that quite challenging.

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#17 of 142 Old 03-04-2011, 10:18 AM
 
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I'm gonna go on the date and have fun. If it kills me. No, I'm sure it will be fun. I just feel like it's an exercise in futility since I know it won't go anywhere. In the last month, I've been through 2 guys who seemed to have potential, but didn't even make the short term cut and now I'm out of prospects. I'm starting to feel like I've already dated all the available men in Chicago.

Devaya, to be honest, 3 months doesn't sound very long to me either. It's rude of him to respond to your emails off topic, but maybe he's feeling pressured to be closer with you than he feels comfortable with right now. There's no excuse for being dismissive of the deaths in your family though. irked.gif

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#18 of 142 Old 03-04-2011, 01:57 PM
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Mimim, good luck for your date... I would go anyway, even if there's no long term potential. It could be fun and good for the self esteem if nothing else.

 

Is ábility to listen' included in one of the priority items on the list?? I often wonder if I'm just unrealistic to expect and hope for a guy I'm involved with to really listen to me and hear what I'm saying...is it just a man thing to not be that brilliant at it? What are your experiences? I'm fuming at LCG a bit after he responded to my email y.day with absolutely NO REFERENCE to anything I had said in my email. I have decided to say my truth to him more and not be so 'nice'', so I told him that although I knew he was busy etc, an acknowledgement, however brief, of what I have said means that I feel more heard and connected. He responded with a cursory comment that 'didn't really acknowledge what I had  said, (i said that I was enjoying my holiday but that I had some challenges with my parents, and he just said ''sounds like ur having a lovely time!"') and made more excuses about being stressed, tired etc. I am really hurting right now with this guy. When I last saw him I told him about a death in the family and he seriously didn't respond AT ALL. He used to be a psychotherapist and does lots of 'people' work, so I really don't get it. Maybe he is just really not interested. I wish he'd be clear about it and just come out and say it though. I need to distract myself from thinking about him but not being at home with my usual networks and stuff to do is making that quite challenging.


I would take a break from this guy. Maybe he's really distracted, but it sounds like he's really immature and not able to be what you need. I say, don't bother trying to figure out the obvious. Callous is as callous does. Oblivious is as oblivious does.

 

Or, you two communicate badly, which is another reason to let it go away. Maybe it will roll around in a few months or even years, but it doesn't sound like he's having the same goals/needs as you.

 

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#19 of 142 Old 03-04-2011, 09:54 PM
 
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Mimim, I see your point about the 3 months thing... when you see it in black and white it does sound like a short time. Yet the 3 months have seemed really long to me, and I am just used to relationships which are pretty established by this point...where "I love you"has been said, basically. I'm not asking to be engaged to be married or moving in with the guy, but I am usually more sure of where things stand, and am feeling more closeness and connection. A few months ago I was dating a guy who, while not as long distance as LCG, was still a good 45 minute drive away, we could only see each other once or twice a week, and in the 7 weeks we were together we got so close, we talked loads on the phone and were really open and honest with each other. So I know that it is possible. I don't really get the point of playing it safe for months as he seems to want to do, b/c I still get attached and hurt anyway, even tho I am not letting myself fully fall in love with him... I think you might as well go all in and see what there is between you.

 

It's possibly true that he doesn't want to be as close as I want us to be yet, but it's not as if my email was talking about any of that 'relationship stuff, it was just a normal friendly email about what I'd been up to on my holiday so far and what was going on for me.'So him not responding to it just shows a total lack of interest and possibly self absorption as well. I also remember reading a relationship book that said people often diffuse their "love energy" amongst lots of friends of the opposite sex, and then have less of it for their partner...so true in his case since he is a roaring socialite and has many close female friends - which I'm not jealous of, but he has himself said that he finds it a bit much sometimes.

 

Attuned Mama, I had to laugh at your mention of him being immature since he's nearly twice my age and has this really émotionally mature persona'. I am however starting to wonder if it's all BS, b/c he is clearly quite scared of commitment, and has shown a real lack of emotional sensitivity at times - e.g after my birthday dinner I was a bit upset about something harsh a good friend said and he totally dismissed it and basically told me not to feel what I felt, sticking up for my friend! (He was at the dinner too). The reasons I'm finding it so hard to let go of this guy is that I can see so much potential - the first few weekends we spent together were SO amazing and so connected, and since then he just seems to be putting one barrier after another between us. And the other reason is, well, sad as it is, I really like being in a relationship, and the thought of starting all over again looking for someone is so depressing. But I cheered myself up last night though thinking of all the summer festivals I plan to go to and how there will definitely be younger, more attractive and interesting guys there ;)

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#20 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 04:45 AM
 
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Devaya, My two cents worth: You're not getting what you want/deserve in this relationship.  If I were in this situation, my hope would be that I would just honor myself and let it go rather than settle for a situation in which I feel disappointed/ disgregarded/ confused so much.  It's different when you're the one IN the relationship and you see/feel the potential, but I've found that potential that is not realized is just nothing.  I feel compassion for you, as it can be hard to make a decisive stay/go when you can still "make a case" for either course of action. 

 

On another note, it seems astonishing to me that he can be so cavalier with that age gap- isn't that every older man's dream to have a girl so much younger?  Go get yourself a man more your age- or younger!  ha ha

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#21 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 05:09 AM
 
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Zeta, thank you. I don't know what I'd do without this forum to give me some perspective! Sometimes just having people to bounce my thoughts off is so important. I have this month of not seeing him while I am out of the country, and I think things will be really clear by the end of that. At the moment I am really leaning towards letting it go. Because I can remember how I felt this exact way - in almost constant heartbreak and pain, and feeling unable to let go - in some past relationships, and then when I finally let go it was the best thing for me, and I never looked back. I'm sure it'll be the same here. I think I'm more in love with the idea of him - the first successful, established man with money, who is also on a spiritual path very strongly, that I've ever dated - than him himself, because things have felt óff' for quite a while now.

 

As for the age gap, yep , I agree - but his last two serious girlfriends were both in their twenties, even younger than me, and so I think he sort of has no problem getting younger women. What really gets me is the way HE pursued me so strongly, I was so not interested, and I was celibate at the time - and I gave that up (my choice, I take full responsibility!) because I was so fascinated by him and the way he romanced me hooked me in...and then as soon as he 'got'me, he started spouting this stuff about wanting to take it slow and that he could easily fall in love with me but wouldn't let himself yet because of his many broken hearts, blah blah blah... basically I don't think this man knows what he wants. I just feel so disillusioned about men now, because I really thought this guy could be It. It's like, if someone who has been a practicing Buddhist for decades and is supposed to be so emotionally and spiritually aware, is like this, then what hope is there really. Thats where I'm at right now.

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#22 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 07:25 AM
 
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Ok so I went on a date...now what? :) I had dinner last night with someone I met online and had been talking with for about 2 weeks or more. We stayed at the restaurant for about 2 and a half hours talking and I had a good time and wouldn't mind seeing him again. We parted with me saying something like "so we'll talk soon then?" and he responded with some kind of yes answer but i'm not really sure if he was really into the date or not? He did most of the talking just b/c he's a chatty person, which I dont mind b/c im quieter, I added my bits to the conversation but i could tell he liked talking :) I'm just not sure what I should do next, do I call him, wait for him to call me? message him on OKC, wait for him to message me? text message him something like "had a good time last night, thanks again for dinner"? I'm clueless when it comes to dating rules and regulations :) please help!

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#23 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 08:17 AM
 
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Devaya- I really hear you.  Sounds like he really pursued you, then changed to a more detached mode.  Yuck. 

 

I had a dream last night that I was dating one of my past guys perhaps like this one- and i kept making an effort and really hoping - but he kept being hot/cold and disappointing me (but wanting attention when he wanted it), and in the dream I so wanted it to work out, but there was a part of me watching the whole movie and going -YUCK!  I so don't want that! 

 

The whole "I could so easily fall in love with you" stuff really rubs me the wrong way.  It smacks of (conscious or unconscious) stringing you along while remaining aloof.  I have heard lines like that so many times and it always made me want to stick around but it never, ever turned into a satisfying relationship.  That is the kind of communication that the book He's just not that into you tackles with ferocity. 

 

To give you an example, one guy I was dating kept talking about the fact that I had kids being a likely (but not certain!) barrier to longterm, but then he'd follow up with some kind of wistful remark about how my kids really are special...or once: "but if i fall in love, anything is possible."  I so wish I coudl go back in time and smack him for that one!

 

One other thing, spiritual seekers are probably better in many ways than non-seekers, but they are just that- seekers.  he isn't the buddha after all!  And as you may know, mental health counselors are just as likely- if not more so- to have weighty baggage of their own, even if they are truly skilled at helping patients.  In your own life your own stuff comes up.

 

Martha- two anwers (1) do whatever the hell you want and (2) using the book He's just not that into you, I personally would totally wait to hear from him, because that would give me good information about his level of interest.  I am SO over dating guys that are not totally into me, it makes my life confusing/ high / low, and never ends well for me.

 

 

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#24 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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Devaya- I really hear you.  Sounds like he really pursued you, then changed to a more detached mode.  Yuck. 

 

I had a dream last night that I was dating one of my past guys perhaps like this one- and i kept making an effort and really hoping - but he kept being hot/cold and disappointing me (but wanting attention when he wanted it), and in the dream I so wanted it to work out, but there was a part of me watching the whole movie and going -YUCK!  I so don't want that! 

 

The whole "I could so easily fall in love with you" stuff really rubs me the wrong way.  It smacks of (conscious or unconscious) stringing you along while remaining aloof.  I have heard lines like that so many times and it always made me want to stick around but it never, ever turned into a satisfying relationship.  That is the kind of communication that the book He's just not that into you tackles with ferocity. 

 

To give you an example, one guy I was dating kept talking about the fact that I had kids being a likely (but not certain!) barrier to longterm, but then he'd follow up with some kind of wistful remark about how my kids really are special...or once: "but if i fall in love, anything is possible."  I so wish I coudl go back in time and smack him for that one!

 

One other thing, spiritual seekers are probably better in many ways than non-seekers, but they are just that- seekers.  he isn't the buddha after all!  And as you may know, mental health counselors are just as likely- if not more so- to have weighty baggage of their own, even if they are truly skilled at helping patients.  In your own life your own stuff comes up.

 

Martha- two anwers (1) do whatever the hell you want and (2) using the book He's just not that into you, I personally would totally wait to hear from him, because that would give me good information about his level of interest.  I am SO over dating guys that are not totally into me, it makes my life confusing/ high / low, and never ends well for me.

 

 


Wow, that really resonates with me, Zeta. I had a dream early on when I was friends with him and aware it was possibly heading in a relationship direction, that we were at a party together and he kept going off with other women and acting like it was totally an acceptable thing to do. In the dream I felt the most acute heartbreak. ALthough I don't think he is cheating, I feel that feeling now. He has said things like,"Ït''s so great to be able to reach out and touch a woman as I can with you, I can't do that with my women friends"" more than once. What the hell is that supposed to mean?? I"ve seen the movie but need to read the book, 'He's just not that into you.' At the same time I think it's messing with my head to keep analysing his motives and why he is doing this. I just don't get it...why he would string me along..what the hell he really wants.\

 

I don't know if I can get through the next three weeks of us being in different countries, without tackling this, as I feel I need to get closure and move on emotionally and start to heal, rather than be in this limbo...but I can hardly break up with him by email or SKype...or can I?? I have a sneaky feeling he may end things with me soon, judging by the tone of his last two FB messages and the fact he was evasive about the exact date we would be meeting up after I get back...and I don't want him to get in there first and have the satisfaction of rejecting me.  (Ego, I know!). You're right about mental health workers. My last serious boyf, my DS's dad, was a mental health worker too, though NOT, emphatically NOT, on a spiritual path. I should've learned then! Anyway thanks for your insights. I feel in a world of pain right now but I know it will pass. It just really sucks.

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#25 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 09:13 AM
 
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Devaya, I wouldn't worry about how to break up with this guy. You could just call him and say it was nice hanging out but you're moving on because this relationship isn't working for you. He's nearly twice your age. It won't be the first time he's been dumped, and it sounds like he can get any kind of woman he wants, and it sounds like there are plenty of fish in the sea for you.

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#26 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 11:15 AM
 
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Martha, if I were you, I'd get in touch through email or text in a few days to find out if he wants to meet up again. You have nothing to lose. smile.gif

Devaya, after reading your more recent emails - yuck. He's not invested in your thing at all and three months may be soon for commitment, but it's long enough to know if you are developing deeper feelings for someone. Maybe just not initiate much contact with him until you get back? But given that it's a long-distance relationship, I think it would be okay to break up over Skype. Why should you guys travel just to end things?

I have yet again changed my mind about dating guys just for something to do. I canceled my date for tonight that I was so wishy-washy on, because I know it was going nowhere and I don't feel like wasting his or my time. I will find something to do on my own tonight. Tomorrow I'm hanging with a friend, so I'm not feeling lonely at all. I'm tired of dating already and I've only been back into it for about a month. I'm gonna quit seeking out guys now and just see if anyone falls into my lap by chance.

Oh, but I think I'm in love with a guy that I met online. joy.gif Not really, but I have a major crush developing and he definitely does too. One slight problem. He lives 250 miles away. bawling.gif It's so frustrating.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#27 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 11:26 AM
 
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Bananabee, yeah, he's definitely been through break ups before. But get this: he claims all his relationships were ended by him except the last two. Ha!

 

Mimim, yeah, I have decided that I'm not quite ready to break up yet, to make that final decision, although it is defo leaning that way, but I"m not going to initiate contact for the remainder of my holiday. It is so hard to say whether deeper feelings have been developing between us or not, because he is a bit of a closed book in that regard. He did admit he holds himself back from me a bit, the second last time I saw him. I agree that breaking up on Skype if that's what it comes to, and I feel certain, would be ok. I''m not quite ready to let go yet though. Sucker for punishment eh. What can I say.

 

Shame about the online guy living so far away!! What a bummer. Good that you're not feeling lonely though. I feel tons better tonight after doing some college work and just not thinking about LCG for an hour. Remembering that I have a life, I have a lot going for me, and it doesn't all depend on some guy. As you say Bananabee, there are plenty of fish in the sea for me... God! I  get quite pissed sometimes that it all takes up so much head room. Thank god for my meditation practice or it would probably be even worse!

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#28 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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Devaya, maybe he treated the last two like he's treating you now, and they dumped him. Maybe he's just not that into caring about a woman in his life at his age right now. It seems to me that generally speaking, stable men who want a serious relationship usually go for someone closer to their age. I have to wonder why you would want to go out with a guy who's going to be getting senior citizen discounts before you know it. Seriously. In ten years, you'd be keeping track of his meds, helping him get his socks on, and going to his cardiologist appts. You're hot stuff. You could have a good guy your age. Why date someone old enough to be your dad?

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#29 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 02:09 PM
 
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1) He's stable & secure, emotionally
2) He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
3) He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
4) He is very intelligent
5) He's stable & secure, financially/career
6) He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
7) He's a good fit with current kiddos
8) He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
9) He's attractive
10) He lives in your immediate vicinity

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#30 of 142 Old 03-05-2011, 07:20 PM
 
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Hi all. Can I join you? First off, what is the quote below from?

 

I was excited to see this forum b/c it seems like a great place to talk things out, give/get support - the group of girlfriends I'm missing. Can I invite you all over for tea or a glass of wine? lol

 

I have been separated since last summer and jumped right into dating almost immediately. I needed that experience given that I had never dated before - just my ex (what's the stbx or something?) I came from a religous background that did not condone much dating.

 

I met a guy and dated him and fell in love but then realized I really wasn't ready. I also felt like there were some red flags. We are still friends and he is still madly in love with me. I really don't have feelings for him anymore but enjoy the friendship. Honestly, I need more girlfriends!! Mine all have a ton of kids and are married. What really got me into the whole online dating thing to begin with was feeling so lonely and bored out of my mind. I love my mom friends but honestly, with 3 or 4 little ones, they are not available for fun: hiking, dinner out, a movie, shopping or anything. And honestly, none of them even like shopping! While I can channel the earth mama goddess thing fully, I admit, I enjoy makeup and nailpolish and shopping lol.

 

Right now I'm reading a book called Choosing Me Before We: Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love and really enjoying it.

 

I am debating about dating. I know I'm not ready for a relationship at present. But I'd also like to know there are other spiritual, intelligent guys out there like my friend. And I'd like him to get over me rather than constantly being so depressed and pining away for me. Honestly, I think he needs more close friends too.

 

Have any of you found that it's hard to fit in after separating/divorcing? How do I meet more friends who don't have so many kids that that is their entire life? (tho believe me if I had 3 or 4 little ones I'd be the same way). I can't wait til I get into grad school this summer!!

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Originally Posted by Minxie View Post

1) He's stable & secure, emotionally
2) He's a lot of fun/you have a lot of common interests
3) He's ready to commit & cohabitate when you are
4) He is very intelligent
5) He's stable & secure, financially/career
6) He wants a similar future, in terms of having or not having more kids ( + parenting style isn't totally out of whack with yours as far as you can tell)
7) He's a good fit with current kiddos
8) He's socially simpatico with your style/tribe
9) He's attractive
10) He lives in your immediate vicinity



 

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