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#1 of 17 Old 03-11-2011, 04:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am having the hardest time coming to grips with how to deal with the idea of going to work full-time. My ex and I worked together in his company. We still have ever since the divorce. However, he can be hard to deal with at times, very easy to anger and has to have everything his way or else no one is happy. Sometimes though he can go for long periods of time and be okay and we get along. But I have always wanted my own job, my own means to make ends meet. I live in our old house and I want to be able to pay the bills. Right now he pays most of them since I work for him and we agreed it best for our 1 yr old and 8 yr old for me to be home with them (I homeschool the 8 yr old). But now I want a job. I figure if I find something FT that I can take both of the younger ones to a sitter and home school in the evenings and on weekends. But he will NOT agree to putting the 8 yr old in school in the fall. Saying we both agreed to homeschool our children. Our teenager is in school though. if i get a fulltime job it will be extremely stressful just getting all three kids where they need to go each day so I can get to work on time by 8:00 or 9:00. :(  Then on top of that I have to rush around and pick them all up at the end of the day after 5pm. All stressful! I fear my life will be about nothing but work, driving around picking up and dropping off kids and sleeping and never having time with them. My ex offers me the chance to keep staying home and working for him but it isn't working. I know it will be 100x tougher if I go it totally alone but it's what I know I need to do. Don't I ??  I also think it will be very hard to meet a man in the future that will accept this situation and it will be best if I have a job of my own and income to pay ALL my bills myself. Any comments? Advice? Anyone been there?


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#2 of 17 Old 03-12-2011, 09:21 PM
 
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Hugs mama I know it can feel intense when you are in the middle of it. 

 

I think we all just find a way... Now it is quite common for mom's (both single and married) to feel torn between wanting a career or life "other than as a SAHM" and being a "working mom" with the challenges that brings.  

 

The way I took was finding ways to earn an income at home.  When my dd was I did freelance writing and PR work --- neither of those were enough to suppport dd and myself without the help of family.  Now I am in school (six weekends a semester) to get my degree in teaching & after a few trys at generating income from home I finally found something that I do part time while earning a full time income and it's doing something that I LOVE!  There are many ways to make money from home you just have to see what works for you.  Also know if you work outside the home YOU WILL FIND A RHYTHM and it can be a wonderful life for you and your children too.

 

Controlling all the money is one sign of DV, it makes you feel dependant of your abuser.  Of course I am not saying your ex is abusive but it is a sign and I know too well it is not healthy to be financially controlled by another person.

 


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#3 of 17 Old 03-13-2011, 09:06 AM
 
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About getting your kids where they need to be and picking them up...would it be an option to make friends with other mamas whose kids attend the same places and a few times a week, ask that your kids go home with them to give you a bit more time to go get them? The same kind of arrangement could be worked out for the mornings...

 

I agree with you that him controlling all the money isn't a great idea...and his disapproval of putting your 8 year old in school is also a way to control you...

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#4 of 17 Old 03-13-2011, 12:08 PM
 
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Will you get child support?  That is really the key.  I am in the middle of this right now- and I am going to take part time work and child support, and be poor while I flesh out my work at home opportunities.  With child support and food stamps, I won't need to work full time.  It took me six months to find my (very part time) work at home gig that has a bright future to it.  So I am now in the process of accepting woh gigs I don't want part time, so that I can homeschool the kids and develop the wah angle.  I am also considering giving him the house- I think I can find a better one 2 years from now. 

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#5 of 17 Old 03-14-2011, 07:41 AM
 
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right now my kids are both at the same preschool/daycare.  ds1 starts kindergarten in the fall, an while i'm looking forward to lower childcare costs, i'm a little stressed about how i'm going to get two kids two different places, after school care, etc.  i just haven't figured it out yet . . . but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it, i guess.

 

with your two older children, would they be getting home from school around the same time?  if your older one would be there when the younger one gets home, then you only need to get your baby from daycare after work.

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#6 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 03:57 AM
 
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It doesn't matter if the father agrees to put the child in school or not. The courts will side with you when it comes to school.  You have to do what is best for you and your kids. 

 

I work full-time.  When I went back to work, I had one in all day childcare and one n all day kindergarten and before and after care.  It became a routine.  Now that they are in 3rd & 5th grade, it is easier as they are in the same place.  It will be hard at first, but as you get used to it, it does get somewhat easier. 

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#7 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 05:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 View Post

It doesn't matter if the father agrees to put the child in school or not. The courts will side with you when it comes to school.  You have to do what is best for you and your kids. 

 

Maybe, maybe not.  My ex was able to get a court order giving him decision-making rights regarding my son's education bc he did not approve of the school I had chosen.


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#8 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 07:41 AM
 
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Maybe, maybe not.  My ex was able to get a court order giving him decision-making rights regarding my son's education bc he did not approve of the school I had chosen.

but he could not have forced you to homeschool.
 

 

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#9 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 02:26 PM
 
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When my ex and I were together I was working part time as an RN so that was three 12's every two weeks. I worked weekends so my son never went into daycare. When I moved out he informed me that I was expected to work full time eyesroll.gif Now I work three 12's a week: Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Son is with dad Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, daycare Monday. 

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#10 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 02:46 PM
 
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Maybe, maybe not.  My ex was able to get a court order giving him decision-making rights regarding my son's education bc he did not approve of the school I had chosen.



There is a big difference between not wanting a particular school and just not wanting the child enrolled in a school.  They are currently homeschooling.  The court isn't going to side with homeschooling over a school.  Especially when both parents are working full-time. 

 

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#11 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 03:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post

 if i get a fulltime job it will be extremely stressful just getting all three kids where they need to go each day so I can get to work on time by 8:00 or 9:00. :(  Then on top of that I have to rush around and pick them all up at the end of the day after 5pm. All stressful! I fear my life will be about nothing but work, driving around picking up and dropping off kids and sleeping and never having time with them. I know it will be 100x tougher if I go it totally alone but it's what I know I need to do. Don't I ??  I also think it will be very hard to meet a man in the future that will accept this situation and it will be best if I have a job of my own and income to pay ALL my bills myself. Any comments? Advice? Anyone been there?

the answer of Dont I is all you. none of us can say anything about that. what is making you want this? future man? or a need for your own independency? perhaps that will help you decide.

 

yes life will be stressful. it will be exactly as you say it will. will it be 100% harder? dont know about that. change is always stressful and hard.

 

but life is bittersweet right?!!! so while u gain some you also lose some.

 

yes life will be hard. but hard is not a single definition. you get used to doing it and then find a rhythm.

 

my life right now is really hard - but it is a good hard that i would much rather have than the easy hard of staying together and being miserable. my dd does not need a miserable mother.

 

separating and drawing strong boundaries of course is a good idea. and yes being free of the control thing is a great idea.

 

about hsing - see if you can figure that out. you just never know what tomorrow holds. if you can you can, otherwise it will have to be school.

 

i would love to hs - but life does not allow that option.

 

 


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#12 of 17 Old 03-15-2011, 04:57 PM
 
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You may be rushing around, you may not be.  I would start looking at daycares close to your house, and see if you like any.   You can also start scoping out the local schools to see what you think of them for your oldest. 

 

There is NO WAY a judge would ever force you to home school - even if thats what your ex wants.  Your ex sounds pretty controlling, and you don't have to play his games. 

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#13 of 17 Old 03-16-2011, 08:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

About getting your kids where they need to be and picking them up...would it be an option to make friends with other mamas whose kids attend the same places and a few times a week, ask that your kids go home with them to give you a bit more time to go get them? The same kind of arrangement could be worked out for the mornings...

 

I agree with you that him controlling all the money isn't a great idea...and his disapproval of putting your 8 year old in school is also a way to control you...



Not really. The younger two go to a sitter up in the other direction from my home and I have to drive back past my home to go to work IF I get a job in the next city over - where I've been applying. And my oldest goes to a school out of zone so he has to be driven to his bus stop and picked up either from school or at the bus stop at 5pm. We live way out from the school he attends. He was one of very few kids accepted in to this wonderful school and no one he knows lives even remotely close to us. :(

 


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#14 of 17 Old 03-16-2011, 08:56 AM
 
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this is a possibility i am thinking of.

 

the one year old goes to a new sitter near your place of work (or continues at the old sitter).

your 8 year old starts school and go to an afterschool program (or maybe ur old sitter could pick up your child).

your teenager rides his bicycle home? i mean you will be home not too long after he arrives home. 


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#15 of 17 Old 03-16-2011, 11:08 AM
 
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is your oldest child's school near where you are looking for work (or is there potentially work near his school)?  if so, would you consider moving there, so that all your two older children would go to school near each other and could get themselves home?  i know that would take time to work out, and perhaps for a while you would be working and saving up for a deposit, but if you could take the next several months to do that so that you're moving into that school area by the time the next school year starts, that could greatly simplify things for you.

 

how old is your oldest?  close to being able to drive?

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#16 of 17 Old 03-16-2011, 06:38 PM
 
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Not really. The younger two go to a sitter up in the other direction from my home and I have to drive back past my home to go to work IF I get a job in the next city over - where I've been applying. And my oldest goes to a school out of zone so he has to be driven to his bus stop and picked up either from school or at the bus stop at 5pm. We live way out from the school he attends. He was one of very few kids accepted in to this wonderful school and no one he knows lives even remotely close to us. :(

 


What about looking for jobs near your oldests school?  You can switch sitters, you can change things around so they work.  Your ds can also switch schools - I know you said he was one of the few accepted, but its high school - not med school.  It's not the ideal solution, but if nothing else works, what needs to be done needs to be done.  How old is your oldest?  Can he get himself home from the bus stop?  If he's in high school, he should be able to get himself home no problem.  Middle school - if he's mature enough he should still be able to do it. 

 

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#17 of 17 Old 03-17-2011, 11:39 PM
 
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You can do a couple things.  The PP have some great ideas. You also need to look at non-traditional solutions.  Working nights/weekends. IDK when Ex has visitation but possibly working some hours when he has the kids, working nights when the highschooler is home and that child can provide some childcare for the young ones.  Sell the house/move closer to the high school and avoid those transportation issues. Is the high schooler close to driving age? Will he be able to drive to school soon?

IDK what type of jobs you are looking for but many companies are looking to hire 2nd shift, weekend etc and pay a premium for those shifts.

On the homeschooling, no judge is going to order homeschooling, he may order meditation on the matter but he isnt going to order HS.  Is your EX hs on his visitation time?  Is your EX helping with the transportation issues with the highschool kid?

You are divorced, ex does not get to control everything.


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