Milestones - and Time Passing - Still Grieving - Does it ever get better? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-16-2011, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's been exactly one year since I found out my ex was sleeping with our nanny when our baby was just 8 weeks old. It's been exactly 9 months since he left to return to his crazy ex. He hasn't filed for any kind of custody and pays no child support which is fine by me. He sees my baby about 10-12 hours a month so I got what I wanted in that regard. But I still cry every single day. I miss him terribly and I work with him so I see him more than I'd like to but we're cordial. He's stopped threatening me. Worse, he tells me loves me but can't leave his current situation due to his other children (the ones he had before he left them, chose to have our baby and then left me). Yes, I know he's a train wreck, but I truly believe we are meant to be together and still blame myself for everything. I tried medication and it didn't help - side effects any my concern over breastfeeding and meds made me stop. I tried therapy - it sort of helped. I eat right, get out and do things, see friends, exercise, etc. etc. but I cry myself to sleep every night. I try to be thankful for what I have especially when I watch the news regarding Japan and other such tragedies but I honestly haven't been happy in a year. I have no closure and probably never will since there will always be a potential court battle looming in the background. I don't know what to do anymore. I have thought about moving away and starting over, but I dont' want to leave him. Stupid, I know. Everyone kept saying time will make things better but it hasn't.

 

 

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#2 of 8 Old 03-16-2011, 01:50 PM
 
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i'm sorry!  since therapy helped a little, would you consider trying again, with someone else?  because therapy can help *a lot* if you find the right person.

 

you're not meant to be with this man.  you're meant to be with a man who will treat you with love, respect, kindness and consideration.  someone who is sincere, honest and faithful.  i know that at this point, it's not time to look ahead to the future yet.  you are still grieving what you've lost, and it's not crazy to need to do that for however long it takes - but i just wanted to remind you that, when you are ready, there is something better out there for you.

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#3 of 8 Old 03-16-2011, 05:10 PM
 
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It's been just over 18 months since my ex left me, and in the last few weeks I've discovered that I am actually over him.

 

It's a shame that you work together. Having to see him so much must be difficult.


It's complicated.
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#4 of 8 Old 03-17-2011, 08:51 AM
 
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Working together makes it hard and I'm glad I dont' have to deal with that. But yes, it does get better.  It's not immediate and your timeline will be different than everyone else's. But let yourself grieve and don't come down on yourself for greiving.  Work it through your system and realize that grief comes and goes but if you let it come and give it permission to be there (though possibly try to time it so that the timing works) it does fade over time.

 

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#5 of 8 Old 03-18-2011, 04:27 AM
 
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Hugs, mama. Is there any way you could get a different job? Seeing him constantly keeps the wound wide open. You don't have space to heal.

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#6 of 8 Old 03-23-2011, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I get paid very very well and have a very flexible schedule. And I love my job, so another one isn't really around. I have resigned myself to feeling awful. I still cry every single day and usually cry myself to sleep. Someday, maybe, it will get better.

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#7 of 8 Old 03-24-2011, 07:16 AM
 
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It must be so difficult to work with him.  This gives him so many daily chances to mess with your head and undermine your progress, telling you things like he still loves you has to be so hard for someone still grieving a loss.  If you can't leave this job, can you not interact with him while there?  Or are your duties at work dependent on each other?  This may not be what you want to do, but if I were in your shoes I would talk to him privately and tell him you need to interact with him as little as possible for the time being.  And like someone else mentioned, if therapy worked in the past, go see someone.  

 

Things will get better, but you also have to want them to get better.  It won't help to tear up the sutures time and time again.  I truly believe we are all in different paths and we are where we should be...even if that place isn't pleasant.  Nothing in life is permanent, so if you are feeling like things won't ever change/get better, remember that.  We have a saying in my culture that translates to "there is no malady that lasts 100 years"  (there might be a similar one in english?).  Take solace in knowing that your grieving will eventually come to a close, and feel what you need to feel in the meantime.        I hope this whole thing didn't sound mean; I say it with utmost respect and kindness.  I feel for you Mama, and wish you the best.    

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#8 of 8 Old 03-24-2011, 09:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I only interact with him sometimes at work but I see him frequently - it's an environment where we all do a lot of walking so it's inevitable. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach most of the time when I see him. It's actually worse when he's nice because then I have no reason to hate him. He does work shift work and my schedule is flexible so I try to avoid him if at all possible. For a while, it was a little better to see him (when he was threatening to take me to court) because I felt I could gauge how serious he was by his demeanor at work. I feel like I've lived in hell for a year now and there really isn't an end in sight. I may try therapy again. People keep encouraging me to start dating but I have zero desire. I'm still unfortunately in love with him. I have tried telling him I need a break from him totally and he says, "fine, do whatever you want." He often pushes me to move away (I think that this would make it easier for him to feel good about not spending time with DD). It's just a disaster and to this day, I still have no idea what I did wrong. It breaks my heart.

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