DH left a week ago and will be gone for 2 months, then is moving out permanently when he gets back. I have real anxiety around being on my own and I’m at the point where I’m in tears and/or a state of panic almost all day every day. I work full time and I’m now on my own with my two children, trying to manage a full time busy job and picking up/dropping off the kids at two different schools, managing the household, laundry, groceries, taking out garbage, making lunches/dinners, etc. (all the things that go in to managing a job, house and children). I also have issues with anxiety and panic attacks. DH has told me he expects lifetime support from ME, and I can see some manipulative ways he and his family have begun to play "dirty" to get this.
I spoke to a lawyer this week and the bank, and started to look in to how this is all going to impact my life. I am feeling nauseous, emotionally and physically like I'm about to just collapse and like I can't do it.
I told my “best” friend of 25 years that DH and I had decided to separate and she knew when he left. I told her how scared I was of being alone on my first weekend on my own. On Tuesday she said she spoke with another woman we know and that they really wanted to support me and be there so they were planning to come with their kids on the weekend to spend the night. She also suggested that maybe we book a hotel away with the kids (her and her husband and I, and the kids) one night on the weekend. We talked about getting adjoining rooms and how fun it would be for the kids. We left it on Wednesday that she would talk to her husband about which night we’d go away, (whom I know and like very much, he has always been very nice to me and encouraged our friendship) and the other woman about which day they would come over. I was really looking forward to both events. I hadn’t heard from her by this afternoon (Friday) so I sent her a text just asking if she had spoken to the other lady and/or her husband and knew what day they were coming over. She sent me a text message at 4:00 today (Friday) saying that her and her family are going away for the weekend, “sorry”. :(
I had also contacted my other friend of 7 years (I really only have two friends) and let her know what had happened, and that my DH had left and asked if she wanted to bring the kids over for dinner one night and let the kids have a pajama party and watch a movie, we could have a glass of wine, that I’d really enjoy the company. She said she would contact me later in the week and maybe we’d do it Thursday, Friday or Saturday. I hadn’t heard from her by tonight (Friday) so I called her. She said she would think about it and call me back. She called me back an hour later and just said she just wanted to stay home tonight and tomorrow night, (then proceeded to tell me how she had gotten together several times this week with another woman her and I know mutually, but that she has always told me she doesn’t really like). I was hurt that she spent so much time with this other woman and her kids, and seemed like she didn't want to see me at all.
My sister lives out of town, and was in town with her children staying at my mom’s house (10 minutes away) all week. She also knows what has happened and some of the anxiety and panic issues I’m having, and I’d told her and my mom several times how much I did not like being alone and didn’t want to stay home alone this week and weekend. I asked if they wanted to get together for dinner at a restaurant, they said they didn’t want to. I invited them over, they said they didn’t want to come. They are heading back home tonight after dinner, but didn’t want to get together for dinner before they left. (This is not unusual, she never wants to see me or my kids when she comes down, but I thought it would be different as she had told me on the phone last weekend that part of why they were coming down was to support me).
I am just feeling so rejected and like nobody cares about me, and totally abandoned. I don’t understand why nobody wants to see me. I have been trying to put on a brave face so it’s not like I’ve been going “on and on” about things, I’m trying really hard to just act normal. I try really hard to hide it but I can’t stop crying all day/night and I just feel like the biggest loser in the world – my husband doesn’t love me, my friends don’t like me or even want to be around me, my family doesn’t even seem to like me (this is an issue I’ve had for a long time, they tell me that the other talks about me behind my back and say all kinds of mean things). I just feel like I have no-one and like I’m totally alone.
Honestly, the only person I've felt like cares about me is my mother in law and I'm going to lose her in all of this. (I feel closer to her than my own mother in many ways). I'm just feeling like I can't raise two little children on my own, and maybe my DH doesn't love me b/c I'm not lovable, if nobody else really likes me, maybe there's a reason. I have never had a problem making friends and I honestly don't know what I'm doing to make people not like me. But I'm feeling like I can't do this and maybe I should stay in this crappy marriage if I'm going to be totally alone. Maybe I'm lucky to have anyone. DH is not very nice to me, but really wants to stay together (for financial reasons and says he doesn't want to be alone). I feel like he's all I have, and even that is not much.
I feel like I want to run away, but of course I can't - I have a mortgage and two children who need me. They are the most important thing in my life (and even that I feel like I'm screwing up, we recently found out my son has serious hearing and vision issues and I can't believe I didn't see it sooner).
Just needed to get this out. I dread going to bed as I know I will lie awake filled with anxiety and crying all night, and wake up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and lonely.
:( Anyone ever been this low and felt this alone like nobody in the world cares?
it sounds like in addition to emotional support, you could also use some practical support or just a break. do you have paid vacation? can you take a day off when your kids are at school and just rest (and cry and whatever else needs to happen)? if your friends/family don't want to hang out, would they be willing to help in other ways, like with your kids or by dropping off a meal? it would also be totally appropriate IMO to reach out to mil. not to share the drama of the relationship, but just to be loved and not be alone.
and this may be stating the obvious, but get into therapy if at all possible. it really will help, and this really will get better.
(sorry about any wild typos - on my phone.)
It's not you! You are going through such a hard time right now, and a lot of people can't handle that. When I divorced, I found out that a lot of married women shunned me, like I had a disease. I've heard that people are afraid of "catching" divorce, like their marriage will be jinxed or something. It's not you, this happens to a lot of people who are going through divorce, or any kind of really hard time. Don't give up reaching out for support- find out if there is a single parents support group in your area, get a counsellor, come here and pour your heart out. Call a crisis line if you are feeling panicky or just at the bottom. Give your friends a chance to come around, don't be rejected the first time. They are most likely still your friends, but are overwhelmed by your situation and afraid they will say or do the wrong thing. You can invite them to meet in a neutral place, like you have been, just out for coffee or something. One thing I did was to be in public places a lot. It doesn't give you what you really need in terms of support, but you get some contact with others, and some sense of normalcy. Stuff like taking the kids swimming at the Y, going to the library, the mall, the grocery store, you get the idea. If it's in any way feasible for you, maybe you could go to church or other place of worship. Even if you are not a Christian, you can get some time in a peaceful environment, put the kids in their child care if you feel comfortable, and spend some time chit chatting after the service.
Step mom to Malakie, Cameron , and Aurelia
Sorry for the disjointed reply, this box is acting weird.
One thing I wanted to mention is that this is not the time to make any big decisions, like whether to be married to your husband. When you are in a crisis, it's like being burned- it creates this emergency response inside you, and you just want to take a huge action to make the pain go away. But that fire, TRULY is not going to get any hotter. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it only gets better from here. Every tear is building you up inside. To be cheesy and continue my metaphor, that fire is actually tempering you, not burning you. Any of the amazing single mamas on this board will tell you that they feel much stronger, a couple of years after the divorce, than they ever felt while they were married. So when it comes to figuring everything out, look at the small everyday stuff as it presents itself, and make the decisions the best you can as they come up, but wait and see on the big stuff. If you let things run their course, your situation will look a lot different with time.
I could write a novel on this subject, if you can't tell! Please feel free to PM me if you want to.
Step mom to Malakie, Cameron , and Aurelia
You CAN do this. But it WILL be tough. Why do you have to give up your MIL? You can have a relationship with her despite your divorce from her son. There is no rule.
I was married 20 years and my ex announced he was done (and then walked out) ON our 20th anniversary (go back and read some of my crazy posts).
I have since sold our home and moved--and so far, it is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I had PHONY neighbors and now I live in a house that I bought for myself--and it's more of a working class neighborhood--but EVERYONE has stepped up to help me. ONE of my friends (who is in another state right now) is the ONLY one who allowed me to call and cry. I found that ALL of my relationships were dysfunctional, not just my marriage. It was time for me to break ties with the past and move forward--ONE (just one) step at a time. When my DH left me, I lost 20 pounds overnight practically. I either threw up or couldn't eat. I had to continue working full time and my kids were (at the time) 6 and 8. Now they are 7 and 9. I'm still taking those baby steps.
I was the one who had to be responsible since I had the kids---so, ON MY OWN, I put the house on the market, sold the house, bought a house, moved into my new (well, new to me, it's an old house), set up all the new bills, cancelled all the old bills and am learning to do a WHOLE bunch of new things---ALL BY MYSELF! I'm not young either---I'm 46. I was with ex for 25 years! Can you imagine how much dating has changed since then??????? How on earth will I ever even do that when the time comes??? On line? I can't even imagine!
For now, I stay so busy with my new house--I even learned how to put up a towel rack all by myself!--that I don't have a lot of free time. But I will say--the first weekend he had the kids (the fool finally got an apartment and moved out of his girlfriend's house--this girl is 26! Are you kidding me???!!!)--I was so alone that first weekend--I cried and missed my kids. But again--you WILL live. It is hard--and it IS scary--but you WILL do it. If I can do it--the dinosaur that I am, than you can do it. For the last 20 years I haven't even had a checkbook. I was totally controlled by him. And now, I'm learning to even pay my bills on line! I just call the company and say: I'm clueless, how do I pay on-line? At the hardware store--I ask: how do I---fill in the blank---change a handle on a door, put up a towel rack, fertilize my yard, etc. I know how you feel---I was there less than a year ago. DO NOT put stock into your friends. NOW is the time to reflect, be STILL, and make a list of what is important in YOUR life and the lives of your kids---you would be surprised. Let's just say my bucket list has changed dramatically. I know how you feel. You WILL be OK. Prayers for you.
I have been feeling the exact same way...down to the "maybe I'm not loveable" crap. I've been hurt and betrayed and left by so many people now that I'm starting to think it's just me...
Hope things get better for both of us.
Single mama to S ~ 6/09
Yup, I've been there.
I had "lost" my community when my partner's actions became unbearable and I had to get him out of the house. I had tried to talk to his mother about it, because she loves to talk that she 'supports' me, or some such BS. When I described the constant drinking and fight-picking harassment, she asked if I was putting out enough to him. It was that much more painful as Partner was not particularly attached to sex in the first place.
Anyway, I got through it. I'm back in college and on the dean's list. Partner getting evicted was what he needed to start acting respectful again, although that idea does still disgust me years later. I'll get accepted to grad school if I apply, and by the time I HAVE to start repaying the loans, my kids will be teens. It's going to be OK for me, and I do wager that it will be OK, soon, for you as well.
I am sorry for the suffering in the meantime. I would welcome your kids for sleepover/wine night, but it might be more painful to read that on the internet than is good for you.
I just wish you well.
In a way I'm right there with you- or I was 6 months ago. I don't even have anxiety, ever, and right after our split some other TERRIBLE things happened in our family. I couldn't sleep at all and started being anxious all the time. So I got a giant dog. Which was kind of a mistake! Because he turned out to be a giant puppy- they were wrong about his age at the pound- and so he is high maintenance. And if I don't get the house in the divorce, where can I rent that will let me have a giant dog? The kids will be heartbroken if we have to get rid of him and move. Anyway....I have to take a ton of nutritional supplements to sleep. I can't get everything together, my house is a complete mess, I can only find jobs that are beneath me (for lack of better terms). I am lonely and on facebook or here too much....But it is SO MUCH BETTER than being verbally abused by a drunk as*munch. I love the messy house and uncertainty about the future compared to that. I do have less on my plate than you, I only work part time and homeschool the kids (at least for now). But you can do this. You can! I can! It's so much better than living with a drunk loser, and worrying about his impact on your kids. Let some stuff go. Sometimes we eat cold cuts for dinner, and olives, and carrot sticks. Hey, it's an antipasto platter elsewhere. Older kids should be able to ask around about carpooling opportunities, also you can ask the head of the PTA about that- they tend to get all the info. I had very few friends before the separation, I socially isolated myself because of the abuse. And my one friend just up and abandoned me in similar fashion to yours (she had drama in her life and is a bit self-centered anyway). Sometimes I just want to post on Facebook and beg my friends from before my marriage to hang out with me. But anyway....I am going to get through it. So are you! I would be the big puddle that you are, except that I spent a few years studying nutritional therapy, and take a big handful of supplements every day. There are concrete biological pathways that need support through all this. I would be glad to tell you what I take and why, if you want to here. Often I feel like a dork for needing supplements to sleep and have energy, but really, it is almost impossible to get the nutrition we need to battle the postmodern toxic soup bombarding our systems, when our food is all grown on deficient soil, and loses vitamins in long transport.
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