April! - We'll Be Fools No More! - Savvy Dating Thread! - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-02-2011, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Smart & Savvy, ladies.  Smart & Savvy.  With one another here on this thread, to remind ourselves of red flags where needed, I think we can keep foolishness in check and search for something healthy, smart, and reliable.

Unless you're just searching for a fling and transition relationship between divorce and future longer term partner.  Then, by all means, be foolish while having an absolute blast!  

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Old 04-02-2011, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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As for me and cucumber, he is a smart bet every time.  I trust him that he isn't going to hurt me intentionally, ever.   And.... if he ever falls in love with me and my kids and starts to want to live with me and be a family with me, I think we will all be happy.  Until then, casual, simple, sweet, friendship-with-benefits, I suppose.  I trust he is worth waiting for, and it isn't a decision to rush, anyways.   Perhaps I still need time to decide if he's really the one for the rest of my life, as well.  It couldn't hurt to give it at least a solid year of dating before introducing the L word and talk of a future, right?  We're in month 9 now....   it feels wonderful, and he has a heart of gold.  That's enough for now.

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Old 04-02-2011, 10:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post


Unless you're just searching for a fling and transition relationship between divorce and future longer term partner.  Then, by all means, be foolish while having an absolute blast!  



ROTFLMAO.gifHmmm, sounds mighty familiar!  Love the title of this thread BTW!

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Old 04-02-2011, 01:27 PM
 
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OK. I need votes for what I should do tonight.

Option A: Go see a band that I'm not interested in at a place that will be packed with really young people with a friend of mine.

Option B: Drink wine and eat cookies all night at home by myself.

Option C: Go out to a neighborhood bar and hang out with the people I know there. I have sort of a crush on one of those people though and I really should avoid getting involved with him.


None of the above are very pleasing to me... I wish someone was available to just go to dinner and sit around and talk or whatever, but most everyone I know has Big Saturday Plans.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:59 PM
 
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Molly, is that friend from option #1 willing to go do something else you'd be more excited about?? I'd say that's the best choice of them all.

 

Still not dating or really getting much action from my OKC profile, though I've been in rather a transitional place in my life the last month so I think I've just not been really open to it. I have gotten really clear about some things I'm looking for in a relationship which makes it both more daunting that I could find that and makes me less desirous of dating someone who I know isn't right. Such a dilemma orngbiggrin.gif


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YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:10 PM
 
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MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OK I feel better now.  Just had to get that out.  Had plans today to hang out with a guy who is a friend but used to be a FWB this winter.  He had something he was doing till 4, was gonna come over after.  I fell asleep on the couch at a little before 4, woke up at 5:30... he hadn't called, texted, nothing.  Went ahead and made dinner plans with a girlfriend.  Texted him and said "so I guess you changed ur mind.  I'm having dinner with a friend.  Catch ya later."  He responded with sorry, got distracted.  blah-de-UAV-blah.  Uh huh... got distracted by something shiny while trying to pull your head out of your ___ and lost track of and hour and a half?  I shall call you "friend" no more...and there will most definitely not be any more "WB".

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Old 04-03-2011, 07:39 PM
 
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I had a great weekend with Mr Awesome. He's just so nice and sweet and kind and just plain awesome!   love.gif

 

Still staying in the moment. Definitely having fun!


It's complicated.
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Old 04-03-2011, 09:52 PM
 
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Had a great weekend with the Incredibly Nice Guy. It'll be six months next week, and it's definitely getting serious. I could see him being the one. I found out that I won this big professional award that will be presented in another city -- on the day of his birthday -- in a couple of weeks. We had plans to celebrate his birthday with his friends, but he insisted that I go to get the award. We wound up deciding that he'll make the five hour drive with me, and we'll get a room in the other city that night and celebrate his birthday there with a little mini-vacation. He's so proud of me and I love seeing how much he respects me and respects the work that I do, and he also tells me constantly that I'm a great mother. I definitely respect him back. And I know we're not supposed to talk about this here, but other parts of the relationship are so amazingly good as well. My friends are all saying that they hope we'll get married, and I'm inclined to agree with them.


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:57 AM
 
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Butterfly... *hugs*  If you are truly happy then that is a good thing!  I can't help but pick up on your posts though, that you seem to be talking yourself into being happy.  I apologize if I'm totally off base.

 

 

Molly, what did you end up doing this weekend?

 

 

Moochie Mama, ugh!  That sucks!  *hugs*  I hate when guy friends bail like that.  It's like this big clear indication of how rude they are and unfortunately what the "friendship" means to them.  :(  I'm sorry hon!

 

 

MamaJen!  yay!!!  Congrats on the award!!  And that's great that your BF gets to be a part of that and you still get to do something special for his birthday too.  It's awesome when you are able to respect and support each other and have a great time!

 

 

I had another fabulous weekend, as well.  In fact, I have not had even a remotely close to an "okay" weekend since I met Tech Guy.  They have all been great and above!!  I am really loving life, and totally loving him.  This weekend we had the first overnight with the kids at his house.  It went awesome!  I cannot believe how much more of a functional Mom I am without my parents around undermining me and guilting me, etc.  Him and I work so well together and we just flow really well, the four of us.  DD helped Tech Guy make pizzas Saturday night and totally loved it.  She has her own little toy guitar at his house and she loves playing guitar with him, and talked about it all the way up to his house, and they got to play guitar together for awhile.  :D  It really touches my heart that they have found something to bond over... and it was totally by accident.  lol  Tech Guy is in a band and love music and one of his neighbors had given him a toy guitar as a house warming gag gift.  So he gave it to DD, and she just totally fell in love with it and now asks all the time for her and Tech Guy to play guitars together.  So cute!!

 

I'm just incredibly happy right now.  :D


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Old 04-04-2011, 08:46 AM
 
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Quote:
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MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OK I feel better now.

 

{snip}

 

 I shall call you "friend" no more...and there will most definitely not be any more "WB".



LOL

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Old 04-04-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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I am so happy for everybody who has a good thing going! joy.gif

Moochie, only some men suck. Okay, maybe a LOT of men suck, but not all of them do. Definitely withdraw that guy's benefits permanently.

Luckily, I ended up finding a friend who wanted to get dinner and hang out instead of doing option a, b, or c on Saturday. I should have just stayed in, because I wasn't in a very social mood and all the people around were getting on my nerves. And this friend is supposed to be a friend WITHOUT benefits, but he made a huge pass at me. I'm really unhappy about that.

Last night I went on a boring, no spark internet date. I went and had a drink afterward at my favorite place and got a super sweet (but slightly drunken) pep talk from a guy I know there. I have one more internet date scheduled for tomorrow and a guy from the neighborhood who interests me. I shall see what develops from those and if nothing happens then I will quit trying. Blech. I need another pep talk already.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-05-2011, 10:08 AM
 
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What is OKC?

 

 

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Old 04-05-2011, 11:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma View Post

What is OKC?

 

 



 

Okay Cupid. It's a free online dating site.

I have a funny story about that, actually. I met the Incredibly Nice Guy almost a year and a half ago. We went on about three dates in January and February of 2010, and we really liked each other, but it fizzled out. I think both of us weren't ready for a relationship back then. We were both pretty recently out of our serious relationships. I kept on thinking about him all through that spring and summer, thinking how stupid I was for letting the relationship slip away, and thinking he was really the kind of guy I needed to be dating. We ran into each other at another party last September and talked the whole time, and made plans to hang out again, and the second time around, the relationship gelled and now we're all in love and stuff. :)

So anyway, back around the time I met the Incredibly Nice Guy the first time, a co-worker had badgered me into setting up an OKC profile. I resisted and finally did it, went on a couple of utterly boring dates and then took the profile down, deciding that online dating wasn't for me. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me something that cracked me up. He said that he had set up an OKC profile right before he met me. And the day after he met me (the first time around), he said that he went online and I came up as his top match. He took that as the universe telling him to ask me out. So he took down his OKC profile and asked me out through Facebook.

 


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:08 AM
 
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MamaJen- what a great story!!

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Old 04-06-2011, 12:06 PM
 
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 HI, I haven't posted on here in quite some time...I'm monkey'smom, single nurse mama to an awesome 10 year old boy....anyhow, I need some advice, and I was hoping you wise ladies could help me sort this out.

 

 So.....last spring, I had a random hookup with an aquaintance of mine...it's what I was looking for, and he fit the bill. I  moved an hour away about a month later, and we didn't really talk too much afterwards except for the occasional small talk if we ran into each other. He was going through a divorce at the time, I was getting ready to move to a new city, and truthfully, I really didn't think about it much afterwards.

 

 Anyhow, a couple of months ago, I checked out his fb, and for some reason, he started to cross my mind. We had hung out many times before this, and I had never viewed him as a potential partner, he was just someone I would go for drinks with along with a few other people every few weeks.

 

 Then Lo and behold, he messaged me one night saying the reason he was shy around me was because of what had happened that night last spring. Long story short, it had been a long while since I had seen any action whatsoever, he and I were going to the same concert, and I kind of figured we would hook up. And we did. That night was fun, and a one t point I said " you know what? I actually like you!" because I was surprised that we were having so much fun. He said " I know, it's weird, I like you too."

 

 Since I was still in the mind frame I was just looking for a one night fling, I went ahead  and did the deed with him. The next morning we chatted a bit, then I left. Since then, he has been on my mind A LOT. and I'm not someone who develops feelings after something like that, especially if it was what I had intended in the first place. I would actually like to hang out with him again, this is the first time I've been smitten with someone in a long while.

 

 We had a little bit of talk on FB afterwards, concerning my missing phone...it turns out I had left it in a friends car. Since then, nothing.

 

 I have a profile on POF, and I came across him on the site. I'm trying very hard not to message him, because, if he wanted to see or hang out with me again, he would contact me, right? he has me on FB....I know I probably messed things up by sleeping with him, but like I said, that's all I wanted it to be. Knock some sense into me ladies, and tell me how he's not that into me! except that, as it always go when you get a crush on someone, I'm finding little loopholes in everything, like " he was the one who said he was shy around me!" and...well, obviously he's looking for something...we've been friendly for awhile, maybe he is interested...I don't know.

 

 

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Old 04-06-2011, 12:28 PM
 
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monkey'smom, I totally think you should get in touch with him and let him know that you are interested in him for more than a hook up and see what he says. smile.gif

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:47 PM
 
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 you really don't think that he would contact me if he wanted to? because I'm  the one who is all smitten junior high like...( meaning that I have no idea if I actually want to pursue anything, but he's on my mind and I would probably get all giggly and weird if we started talking)....I know for fact I would say, if it was a gf of mine " He'll get in touch with you if he wants...when a guy is into you...you know it, and if there's any doubt, or your wondering why he hasn't called/txtd/msg'd/....then you have your answer." And! the last thing I want to do is scare him off if there is any potential for anything...be it a spring time fling, or something more......I have worked so hard to be in a place where I am content being single, have a good life that I"m happy with....and I don't want to fall back into old patterns of chasing down a guy who has no interest. Although, this is probably the first time in my life where I think " you know what? he should like me, I've got it going on..."  and really think that if he did reject me, I could just be like " oh well, your loss! next!".....rather than knowing I would get down and probably waste a ton of mental anguish over why he wasn't interested.

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Old 04-06-2011, 12:52 PM
 
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      I'm in shock! I had two  dates and they both went really well. The first guy "J" was really sweet and does seem to want to hang out again though I did think he was losing concentration by the time we said good bye. We only met for coffee so were chatting for 1 1/2 hours. He's texted me since then so I know he does actually want to meet again. He did seem a lot of fun but I am not sure about him....

       The second guy "C" took me out on a real, old fashioned date! He picked me up and took me out for dinner, we went for a walk and then he drove me home. He was totally adorable! He did seem to struggle with conversation though, not a wide variety of topics that he seemed comfortable just chatting about, but it was the first time we had met and I know he felt he had a lot to live up to. (My house is huge so it's obvious my sbx is successful) He's got a 10yr old dd from his first marrige and seems to adore her. He even mentioned how she has never been smacked by him or his ex (that he knew off)! A very good sign! 

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Old 04-06-2011, 01:05 PM
 
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 you really don't think that he would contact me if he wanted to? because I'm  the one who is all smitten junior high like...( meaning that I have no idea if I actually want to pursue anything, but he's on my mind and I would probably get all giggly and weird if we started talking)....I know for fact I would say, if it was a gf of mine " He'll get in touch with you if he wants...when a guy is into you...you know it, and if there's any doubt, or your wondering why he hasn't called/txtd/msg'd/....then you have your answer." And! the last thing I want to do is scare him off if there is any potential for anything...be it a spring time fling, or something more......I have worked so hard to be in a place where I am content being single, have a good life that I"m happy with....and I don't want to fall back into old patterns of chasing down a guy who has no interest. Although, this is probably the first time in my life where I think " you know what? he should like me, I've got it going on..."  and really think that if he did reject me, I could just be like " oh well, your loss! next!".....rather than knowing I would get down and probably waste a ton of mental anguish over why he wasn't interested.



What have you got to lose by sending him a text?  Sounds like he might be shy and/or think all you wanted was a 1-night hookup.  If it was me I would send him a generic "how are you?" message and see what happens.

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Old 04-06-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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 you really don't think that he would contact me if he wanted to? because I'm  the one who is all smitten junior high like...( meaning that I have no idea if I actually want to pursue anything, but he's on my mind and I would probably get all giggly and weird if we started talking)....I know for fact I would say, if it was a gf of mine " He'll get in touch with you if he wants...when a guy is into you...you know it, and if there's any doubt, or your wondering why he hasn't called/txtd/msg'd/....then you have your answer." And! the last thing I want to do is scare him off if there is any potential for anything...be it a spring time fling, or something more......I have worked so hard to be in a place where I am content being single, have a good life that I"m happy with....and I don't want to fall back into old patterns of chasing down a guy who has no interest. Although, this is probably the first time in my life where I think " you know what? he should like me, I've got it going on..."  and really think that if he did reject me, I could just be like " oh well, your loss! next!".....rather than knowing I would get down and probably waste a ton of mental anguish over why he wasn't interested.


Disclaimer: I want to be on equal footing with the men in my life. If I want a guy, I find out if he wants me back. I don't try to read his signals. I just ask.

I'm guessing he might be feeling like you might not be that into him. Or he might not be very into you. But if you don't ask, you will never know.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:21 PM
 
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 I think I will just try a random what's up message....although one last question...POF where I found his profile, or FB? I feel like POF would be a little more direct...like " guess what, I caught you! I know you're actually looking to start dating again!" grrr....here I am saying I'm all in a place where I wouldn't waste any mental anguish and I'm trying to decide what to write in a silly message and on what site. Maybe I've already fallen into old patterns!

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Old 04-06-2011, 01:31 PM
 
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Do facebook. POF is for meeting new people. I wouldn't even mention his profile on there for a while.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:40 PM
 
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Oh, and while I'm posting away on this thread like mad (boring day at work), I will update my status on dating.

Neighborhood Guy (NG) = Too young

Last Resort Guy from OKC (LRG) = I backed out on meeting him; I wasn't in the mood to put effort into it when he seems just passable; I told him I will let him know if I feel like trying some other time

Guy who I Previously Dumped to Go Back to the Psycho (GPDGBP) = Meeting him for a drink tomorrow

Nobody Else on the Horizon (NEH) = Well, that's it; no other options besides these three

I like GPDGBP a lot and I'm hoping that he would still like to be with me and is just being very cautious, but I feel like it would be invasive to try to discuss it right now. I hung out with him and had a blast about 6 weeks ago. I'm sure I will have fun again tomorrow and that is enough for now.


Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-06-2011, 10:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mimim  & Learning Mum -  having fun is a LOT!  No consolation prize there, especially for those of us who struggled out of a horrible marriage and have a lot to heal from.

 

monkey'smom - definitely send him a facebook message along the lines of "hey, what's up; wanna hang out again?"  Why not.  You'll lose zero face.

 

Rubelin -  being clear on what you are looking for is awesome.  You're ahead of the game right there.  Give things more of a chance and meet some people before judging too much.  Or at least exchange phone calls with anyone who seems like a maybe and give things a shot that way.

 

Mama Jen -  soooo nice to see one of us in boyfriend bliss i.e. cloud9.  Gives all of us hope.  And that IS a great online dating story.

 

Hillymum -  C  sounds great!  Keep us posted!

 

Moochie Mama - you are hilarious, I love your withdrawal of benefits plan.

 

Phoenix Mama -  I love the guitars thing.  

 

Cool as a Cucumber has a home music recording studio and a zilllion guitars and other instruments and my BFF just told me to get the boys to bond with him I should have them over there and have him give them a little music lesson, perhaps one on one while I am doing something with the other.  They'd probably love it and since he is a little awkward with kids having had zero experience around them thusfar, it would be his comfort zone/his territory and perhaps he would get over the awkwardness and bond better.  I've been frustrated with how little time he has spent with them, but then again I only have them 1/3 ( mecry.gif ) of the time anyway, and this dude works like 10-12 hours per day AND has a band.  So time the two of us is already too little for both of our likings so of course he hasn't hung out with the boys much. He tries to schedule his weekend-away-things with this band on during times when I am home with the kids anyway and wouldn't be missing out on time together the two of us.



Yes,  I am not exactly happy.  I am a mama hen type and I want to settle down to roost and get married again and have more babies before I get too far away from my 30th birthday that passed by me.  Suddenly my plans to have plenty of kids real young seems hilarious the way things worked out, as I've been single for 3 years now and I'm not longer real young, as I felt I was when I first divorced and was still in my twenties.  And this guy has not breathed a word of seriousness, love, commitment, plans, marriage, children.  I cannot blindly assume that he is thinking of those things and that this relationship will head there.  I can hope, but not expect.  So I am scared that this is all building up for heartache and disappointment so how can I relax and be happy when I am a bit scared that he'll uninentionally hurt me and waste precious time where I'd like to find 'the one' at as young an age as possible to still have the option of 2 or even 3 more kids if things go that way.  I've always always wanted a big family ....and I don't like the idea of babies much past 35.  Definitely not at 40, it's just not for me.  He is 34 and has mentioned being basically ready for those things, and wanting to get on with it while his parents are still young.  But I know that the decision to blend his life with a mom & two kids will be one he would not take lightly and I am certain that he is going to take his sweet time before even hinting at going in that direction because he woudl want to be 100% sure and feeling 10000% certain about it.

 

I said I am not happy and that is not exactly true. He is my best friend these last 8-9 months and his actions speak volumes about his dedication to me and how much I mean to him.  When I am around him my little voice screams in my ear to relax and not worry because the ingredients that are obviously present in this relationship plus my insanely strong gut feeling that he is worth investing time into, not rushing, being patient with, trusting, believing in, all alleviates my worries and fear and I am just happy.  When I am with him.  Then as soon as we are not together, the fears crop up because his face, his smile, his embrace, and his scent aren't in my face to wipe away those fears.


Does that make any sense?

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Old 04-06-2011, 10:38 PM
 
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Moochie Mama - you are hilarious, I love your withdrawal of benefits plan.

 

 


Thank you... but that means no benefits for me either.   Hmmmm, not liking that part of it so much shrug.gif.  I could use some benefits right about now.  (Can I say that here?)

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Old 04-07-2011, 07:35 AM
 
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Thank you... but that means no benefits for me either.   Hmmmm, not liking that part of it so much shrug.gif.  I could use some benefits right about now.  (Can I say that here?)


Meh. It's not very hard to find someone willing to help you out with physical needs. It's also pretty easy to take care of that alone. I vote for not settling for someone who doesn't deserve the benefits you will share with them.

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Old 04-07-2011, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Meh. It's not very hard to find someone willing to help you out with physical needs. It's also pretty easy to take care of that alone. I vote for not settling for someone who doesn't deserve the benefits you will share with them.


 

amen.

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Old 04-08-2011, 07:32 AM
 
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Butterflymom... I do think it is highly possible to have a good guy and good mix of ingredients, and him sill not be "the one", you know what I mean?  This guy just seems commitment phobic from the way you describe him.

 

My best friend is a male I dated ages ago... same scenario.  He had/has the right ingredient, but he couldn't always be there for me emotionally and has huge commitment issues, so whenever things would come up that required a little more serious commitment, like caring for me during a wicked fibro flare, he'd get really uncomfortable.  He loves me and cares about me... and we both get a long great, but romantically, we were just on different pages as far as really meshing in a truly commited romantic relationship.  He is still my best friend though... and perhaps your dear Cucumber is like that?

 

I never wanted to feel like I was settling again in my life.  And I think if Cucumber was really "the one" After 9 months... I don't know, I just think you'd have a stronger vibe/meshing going on for future plans?  Maybe I'm an odd ball in that thought though because my time okay line seems slightly scewed from others.  lol

 

But I will say that I spent about 3 years of my life waiting and thinking that my best friend would one day "grow up" and be able to really commit to something serious too since we were "perfect" for each other in so many other levels.  It really turned out that he was just a best friend and just did not fit into what I wanted out of a romantic partner.

 

So I guess that is the question... what are your expectations for a romantic partner?  It seems that you'd be happier with someone who was a bit more kid comfy and able to find something to bond with your kids on, on their own.  It would definitley irk me if I had to prod a relationship along with my SO and my kids.  I'm so happy that SO took the initiative and wanted to find a way to bond with my kids in his own way.  That was very telling to me, and definitely told me that he accepted me and my whole package deal and that he really is looking to commit to a whole family, as that is what I am.  kwim?

 

 

Speaking of fantastic awesome Tech Guy.  :D  He so made me melt last night.  He had his band practice last night and he had the guys play a song for me as he recorded it and sent it to me on my phone.  *melt and love*

 


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Old 04-08-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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Speaking of fantastic awesome Tech Guy.  :D  He so made me melt last night.  He had his band practice last night and he had the guys play a song for me as he recorded it and sent it to me on my phone.  *melt and love*

 



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Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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Old 04-08-2011, 12:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

Speaking of fantastic awesome Tech Guy.  :D  He so made me melt last night.  He had his band practice last night and he had the guys play a song for me as he recorded it and sent it to me on my phone.  *melt and love*

 


joy.gif and faint.gif and dizzy.gif and joy.gif


yeahthat.gif Yeah, what she said! love.gif


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