I wish I could give you a huge hug and make things better. My ex-H cheated on me mutiple times and it is a nightmare. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...I don't really have any advice because it will just take a lot of time to recover...but wow. You're a better person than me because I'd probably locked up after walking in on my spouse with someone else. I'm normally a very passive person but that would push me over the edge. There is just no justification for that at all, whatsoever. <3 <3 <3
Checked back to see how you are & Have some thoughts to share on your recent post:
"I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person, to not let the little things bother me."
GOOD. Keep doing this!! But, don't be her doormat.
"I'll ask him a question via e-mail or text and SHE'LL respond. Or will send me e-mails about how she thinks there is a lack of "co-parenting"on my part and wants to have more open communication between all of us so we can be better co-parents for the children."
She is not worried about the lack of co-parenting communication. She is threatened by you & trying to control the relationship between you & ex. She is also trying to be perceived by your Ex as super-duper sweet & nice and very loving/accepting of his children.
Time to set boundaries. Be suuuper polite & firm, tell her that although you are sooo appreciate of her support...you are co-parenting with your ExHusband and the children's needs will be a conversation between you & him. Then, he can discuss it with her. You think, for the children, it is best that way. And.., you just know she will understand 'cause she's been so great about everything!
I just don't understand how anyone could be so cruel as to destroy a family in this way and then continue to dig the knife in deeper by robbing me of one of my son's firsts!
That's because she is an insecure girl pretending to be a woman. She is in way over her head with this & she knows it. She was trying to hurt you because she is threatened by you. She'd like nothing more than to able to push your buttons & have you to flip-out at her. To feel secure, she needs you to play the role of angry ex-wife.... so she can be the understanding sweetheart that your Ex truly deserves.
Your ex is an obtuse being.
I am really sorry for your pain. The fact that they are stealing time with your children is the worst offense of all.
OMG this makes me so angry. BIG hugs to you. What a couple of loathesome selfish people!! He is so full of lies. He's just trying to distract you from the truth.
If it makes you feel any better, my MIL told me STBX left me because I didn't do the dishes. Riiiight. That is the downfall of so many marriages. It couldn't be that some men get tired of being expected to be big boys and instead go after pleasure and responsibility-free love. Now the excitement from of all the secrecy is stripped away. Just wait until he makes a baby with her and she turns into a normal serious responsible human.
hugs mama, you really have been thru a lot. Be strong.
In situations such as these it's perfectly acceptable to think ugly thoughts. Maybe hope for a painful nose zit or pin worms... Oh I know hopefully your kids get lice and give it to her. Am I wrong for that? I don't think so. But mama you're a good person and you know you are the better person. She's going to be really insecure... he did it to you and I highly doubt he'll have any issue doing it to her. So really just feel bad for her. She's trying with all her might to keep something that will eventually stray anyway. You on the other hand will not have to walk in on him ever again. You can move passed this and you won't have to be checking his email and texts.
a painful nose zit?! you are pure EVIL.
I was being serious... that's a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.
My dd shared the head lice a few years ago w. exs gf. She had hair past her rear end and apparently it took several boxes of lice treatment to get rid of it. They did not ask for dd for overnights ever again. I did not know this for a long time until dd told me (about the lice sharing) but I knew they quit pushing for weekend visits.
I would simply respond that any co-parenting concerns will be discussed by the children's parents. Then don't address her issues with her at all. If the ex brings them to you and they don't directly relate to his time or needs for coparenting with you tell him that his gf needs are his concern, not yours. Yours are only for your children and following the custody agreement you have with HIM. I was fortunate my own father's gfs never gave a darn about me and so though he was an uav to my mother after the divorce she never had one of them competing to out mother her. That would be awful. But, ex is enough to deal with. The firsts would really really bother me, but you could do first trim by mama clip in a month or so and save that. I have a good friend who was left in pregnancy and the stuff her ex and his gf then wife put her through was so awful, but in the end a court finally stopped forcing visitation with them. Keep good records in case that ever becomes necessary for you.
You know you're not supposed to pick a nose zit... it could get infected and travel to the brain... Um... I don't know if that's true but either way it fun to scare people with. I'm so not right.
I would just forward all her msgs to your XH as they come to you, and each time ask for him to call you to discuss whatever issue she's bringing up. That would make her stop. She's trying to keep you two from talking by getting in the middle and stepping on your toes the way he probably wouldn't out of respect.
I think, OP, that it would really help your peace of mind to think of things from her perspective.
Like mentioned up thread, she is young and in over her head, she is now in a relationship with a man with such low morals he would cheat on his wife and children in their home, she knows that he will have you in his life forever because of the children and you have a shared history that she has no part in, he WILL cheat on her probably sooner rather than later and she will feel the pain that you (and most of us have at some point) hopefully tinged with a measure of guilt for what she has done to you.
I don't say any of this to make you feel bad for her!
But like already said, she is getting so involved out of insecurity, she doesn't trust your stbxh to have 'unsupervised' communication with you.
So next time she is pissing you off - just remember why she is acting like she is and you can feel a bit smug that he is her problem now, not yours!
I hope you check in soon and let us know how things are going for you x
I am so sorry mama. I do not have words.
check out survivinginfidelity.com
its a great support system.
I have no words... I am so sorry!!
Thank you again for all your insights and input. I have decided to simply stop responding to her e-mails and texts. I feel like the more I give the more she takes, it's like feeding an addict...and I really don't want to play games. She sent me two texts last week saying "I wish you could see that bashing me doesn't make me look bad, it makes YOU look bad." and then, "Please stop spying on me and trash talking me, you are better than that." I have NO idea where she's even getting the idea that I'm bashing her, trashing talking her or spying on her. I had the urge to respond back but decided against it, even though part of me wanted to clear my name, and inform her that I have WAY to much going on with work single parenting to be wasting my time worrying about what she and my ex are doing on any given day. I do admit to "bashing" her to my sister, but that's my sister, we're allowed to vent about the situation, and there is no way that would have EVER gotten back to her.
Last night my daughter left her favorite stuffed toy at his house, and was devastated when she realized she had forgotten him. I told her she could call her dad and see if he could drop it off, and she tried, three times, each time with no response. Then I got a text from the girlfriend saying "He's in a very bad mood at the moment and refuses to answer. I'd be happy to drop off "toto" if you want." When I didn't respond right away she texted back 3 minutes later, "should I bring him?" Again I didn't respond but found "toto" on our front porch this morning.
I don't want to make the situation more difficult than it needs to be, but I feel strongly that especially given the circumstances, he should really step up to the plate as their father. He sees them so infrequently as it is, you would think he would want to help out in situations such as this, right? Maybe I'm just fooling myself. And as far as she goes, she's doing exactly what I did for 13 years, covering for him when he got in one of his "moods." Trying to fix things and take care of his needs. I actually feel kind of sorry for her but at the same time there is so much anger still over the entire situation I don't feel like I owe her anything.
I hope I'm not wrong in that, I don't know.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is awful. I could not imagine.
I do not speak to my ex's wife. At all. My friend talks to both of her husbands kids mothers... and I don't know- I just don't like it. She does all the arranging- all the talk about child support everything- and I think it should be between the dad and the mothers. regardless...
I am sorry. Sounds like you are doing the right thing. You ex sounds like a dick. In a bad mood and can't answer the phone? I mean come on serious. OH ya- LOCK that text in your phone- you may need it for court someday.
I hang out a lot at marriage builders.com. They have a huge forum for infidelity, how to recover, etc.
One of the posts on that forum that was so incredible was a woman who'd had an affair with a married man and her regrets, years later after she'd married this guy.
She talked about how the guilt just ate her up. His family never accepted her and his resentment towards her grew as the years went by because they had destroyed his family together.
She never felt like she could trust him and he withdrew from her over time. She talked about how excruciating her marriage was because it all started in such a sick and destructive way.
I get the feeling your ex probably resents this girl. Or he will over time.
And she tries to play perfect mom to show him that she never intended to hurt his children, it was just true love that brought them together.
She desperately wants to make it work, to prove to the world that the havoc they created was worth it.
And every time he starts longing to have his family back (and he does!), she has to deal with that and try to fix it for him.
He can't answer the phone when his hurting child is calling BECAUSE HE AND HIS TRAMP DESTROYED HIS FAMILY.
And now he has to live with it.
She accuses you of spying on her and such nonsense because she lives in a fear-based, guilt-ridden reality and there's no doubt that people do talk about her behind her back and know her as a home wrecking tramp.
Her paranoia is a reflection of her guilt and the knowledge that she participated in a crime of sorts with your ex.
Not that any of this brings comfort...
You've taken the high road with all of this and have much to be proud of.
They have each other and they're going to slowly start tearing each other up as they realize that their 'love' can't sustain under the conditions it was created in.
Shame on them.
Sociopaths or pure intentional evil....it is a tough call :/
Thank you again for all your insights and input. I have decided to simply stop responding to her e-mails and texts. I feel like the more I give the more she takes, it's like feeding an addict...and I really don't want to play games.
Yay for you!!!! This is so wise! You are not co-parenting with her and really you never need speak to her. She is a vile woman who has abused your family and a done unspeakable things to you and your children. It is not good for anyone but her for you to talk to her. every time you respond to her she wins. If she responds your emails to your ex, ignore her response and resend it to him. as many times as it takes.
She sent me two texts last week saying "I wish you could see that bashing me doesn't make me look bad, it makes YOU look bad." and then, "Please stop spying on me and trash talking me, you are better than that." I have NO idea where she's even getting the idea that I'm bashing her, trashing talking her or spying on her.
My ex used to get really mad when I told people the truth because the truth made him look bad but I was not going to hide my story to protect him. If he did not want to be known as an adulterer and he did not want his mistress to be known as a home wrecker, then he should have chosen not to be those things.
I had the urge to respond back but decided against it, even though part of me wanted to clear my name,
Good for you and do not worry about your name. anyone who believes her and thinks poorly of you would make a poor friend anyway.
He should never be in such a bad mood that his girlfriend runs interference. This says a lot about him and the condition of their relationship. She probably is attached to your kids (she does not love them or she would not have hooked up with their daddy) and scared to lose them if this relationship goes south (and seriously that one little tidbit about the doll makes me think there is trouble in paradise.) unfortunately it seems that neither of them can truly see beyond themselves.
and if it makes you feel any better my ex and his mistress finally called it quits after 10 years. It was a long time coming but in the end we finally did shake free of her. maybe she realized just what she was signing up for. A guy who habitually lies and cheats on his wife a little too easily. May this happen for you sooner than later.
the last post sounds like an ad
I feel that she's probably with low self esteem and he's telling her he never loved you, your evil, or some sort of bs to make her feel better about the situation.
I read this and it broke my heart. My husband has been unfaithful, but I really don't know everything about what is going on with him right now. I'm sure it's about to all come to light.
In the meantime, I am praying for your healing. I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. Please keep us updated. Sorry I don't have more feedback. I'm kind of in the middle of it right now, as well.
Blessings to you...