I walked in on my husband and another woman...in our home. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 85 Old 04-04-2011, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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6 weeks ago, I came home to find my husband naked on the living room floor with another woman. A woman he convinced me to allow him to be friends with, and who sat down and talked with me about her own 6-year engagement and how my husband needed support in his life (our daughter was stillborn last February). She said she wasn't trying to "steal my husband" and that if I loved him and trusted him, I would be okay with their friendship. Needless to say, I okayed their friendship, even though I had a really bad gut feeling about her. I was pregnant again and still grieving the loss of my daughter and didn't want to create any more stress in our lives. 

 

In November I started feeling like maybe it wasn't such a great idea anymore. He had been asking to go away to process his grief and leaving the house early in the mornings...coming home late at night. He told me he wasn't with her, but I wasn't so sure. I asked him to put his relationship with her on hold until after our baby was born....he was furious. He now says that that was the point that their relationship turned into an emotional/and sexual affair, when I came between their "friendship" and it turned secretive. I later found hotel receipts from Reno (he said he went away to process the loss of our daughter by himself). He came back with toys for me and our 4 year old from Circus Circus, which I thought was a weird thing to do alone, but when I questioned him he became livid and denied being with anyone.

 

Anyways, 6 weeks ago, the night after I confronted him with the Reno receipts and took my newborn son and 4 year old daughter to my sister's house, I came back home to find them together, naked on our living room floor.  I was in complete shock. I stayed there trying to talk to them for a little over an hour. He refused to say anything, she kept saying "tell her, tell her!" (still not sure what that meant). I took a picture of them, then waited for them to get their clothes on and leave. An hour later her fiance found them, naked again, at her mom's house.

 

I spent the next week looking for an apartment, packing up our stuff and moving out. I was 5 weeks post partum. After several long conversations with him since then, it's become clear that he has no intention of wanting to work it out. He says he's "not leaving his children, he's just leaving me." For a 24 year old girl,  (who has since left her fiance of 6 years). She has no job, no children and two trust funds.

 

I felt I had no other option but to file for divorce, which I did 2 weeks ago. This is breaking my heart. I never ever thought I would be in this place, I am a strong believer in marriage and forgiveness and seeking help in the form of therapy, etc. But he just didn't want to make the effort. He said things would be easier this way... For who?!

 

I feel so abandoned...so betrayed. To know that he was having this affair throughout my entire pregnancy and into the first few weeks of our baby son's life. Especially after losing our daughter just over a year ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it all...it doesn't make any sense.

 

He now says he's been unhappy since our daughter was born four years ago...but he can't specify why, except that I didn't cook and clean enough. I reminded him that out of those 4 years, I was pregnant for 3 of them, working 40 hours a week, taking care of the kids full time since we couldn't afford childcare, interning to get my licensure hours to become a therapist, and grieving over our daughters death. He didn't seem to care. 

 

The other woman (girl) has since moved into our home, and will now be spending time with my children on a regular basis. How could any woman do that to another woman? Come into her home, have sex with her husband in front of their wedding and baby's pictures, take him away from his family, move into their home and take over her family. I just don't understand. 

 

He says he's in love with her. That he will always love me because I'm the mother of his children, but he's not in love with me. But just a couple of months ago he was saying that me and our daughter meant the world to him and he loves us so much. He was never the type to be dishonest, unfaithful, uncaring.  I'm just at a loss. 

 

I know that I could never get back together with him. He doesn't even want to try to make it work, so how could I want to get back together. I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 


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#2 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 12:05 AM
 
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i have no words. i am so so so sorry mama. you did not deserve that. and your ex? what a uav. irked.gif

please take care of yourself. look into getting some counseling to process what has happened.

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#3 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 06:17 AM
 
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Oh Mama.  :-(  I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you.  I cannot type what I'd like to do to your ex, because it would violate the site rules... a lot. 

 

Wow... I am just so sorry hon.  I agree with PP to look into counseling immediately for you.  So many hugs your way.  I wish I could do more.  *hugs*


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#4 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 07:16 AM
 
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*hugs* I am so sorry this happened to you.  


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#5 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 07:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

6 weeks ago, I came home to find my husband naked on the living room floor with another woman. A woman he convinced me to allow him to be friends with, and who sat down and talked with me about her own 6-year engagement and how my husband needed support in his life (our daughter was stillborn last February). She said she wasn't trying to "steal my husband" and that if I loved him and trusted him, I would be okay with their friendship. Needless to say, I okayed their friendship, even though I had a really bad gut feeling about her. I was pregnant again and still grieving the loss of my daughter and didn't want to create any more stress in our lives. 

 

In November I started feeling like maybe it wasn't such a great idea anymore. He had been asking to go away to process his grief and leaving the house early in the mornings...coming home late at night. He told me he wasn't with her, but I wasn't so sure. I asked him to put his relationship with her on hold until after our baby was born....he was furious. He now says that that was the point that their relationship turned into an emotional/and sexual affair, when I came between their "friendship" and it turned secretive. I later found hotel receipts from Reno (he said he went away to process the loss of our daughter by himself). He came back with toys for me and our 4 year old from Circus Circus, which I thought was a weird thing to do alone, but when I questioned him he became livid and denied being with anyone.

 

Anyways, 6 weeks ago, the night after I confronted him with the Reno receipts and took my newborn son and 4 year old daughter to my sister's house, I came back home to find them together, naked on our living room floor.  I was in complete shock. I stayed there trying to talk to them for a little over an hour. He refused to say anything, she kept saying "tell her, tell her!" (still not sure what that meant). I took a picture of them, then waited for them to get their clothes on and leave. An hour later her fiance found them, naked again, at her mom's house.

 

I spent the next week looking for an apartment, packing up our stuff and moving out. I was 5 weeks post partum. After several long conversations with him since then, it's become clear that he has no intention of wanting to work it out. He says he's "not leaving his children, he's just leaving me." For a 24 year old girl,  (who has since left her fiance of 6 years). She has no job, no children and two trust funds.

 

I felt I had no other option but to file for divorce, which I did 2 weeks ago. This is breaking my heart. I never ever thought I would be in this place, I am a strong believer in marriage and forgiveness and seeking help in the form of therapy, etc. But he just didn't want to make the effort. He said things would be easier this way... For who?!

 

I feel so abandoned...so betrayed. To know that he was having this affair throughout my entire pregnancy and into the first few weeks of our baby son's life. Especially after losing our daughter just over a year ago. I just can't wrap my mind around it all...it doesn't make any sense.

 

He now says he's been unhappy since our daughter was born four years ago...but he can't specify why, except that I didn't cook and clean enough. I reminded him that out of those 4 years, I was pregnant for 3 of them, working 40 hours a week, taking care of the kids full time since we couldn't afford childcare, interning to get my licensure hours to become a therapist, and grieving over our daughters death. He didn't seem to care. 

 

The other woman (girl) has since moved into our home, and will now be spending time with my children on a regular basis. How could any woman do that to another woman? Come into her home, have sex with her husband in front of their wedding and baby's pictures, take him away from his family, move into their home and take over her family. I just don't understand. 

 

He says he's in love with her. That he will always love me because I'm the mother of his children, but he's not in love with me. But just a couple of months ago he was saying that me and our daughter meant the world to him and he loves us so much. He was never the type to be dishonest, unfaithful, uncaring.  I'm just at a loss. 

 

I know that I could never get back together with him. He doesn't even want to try to make it work, so how could I want to get back together. I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 

Did I read that right, that on top of everything he is even trying to lay blame on you for his infidelity? Well my jaw is on the floor. I can only imagine the shock and the myriad of other emotions that YOU must be feeling, and while grieving a baby no less. 

 

I am so deeply sorry. hug2.gif

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#6 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 07:20 AM
 
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I am so dreadfully sorry that this happened to you! I am speachless at your husbands behaviour. ALl I can do is offer you my heart and thoughts and tell you I feel for you. The women here are a great sourse of support and strength, take advantage of them!

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#7 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 07:52 AM
 
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OMG this makes me so angry. BIG hugs to you. What a couple of loathesome selfish people!! He is so full of lies. He's just trying to distract you from the truth.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL told me STBX left me because I didn't do the dishes. Riiiight. That is the downfall of so many marriages. It couldn't be that some men get tired of being expected to be big boys and instead go after pleasure and responsibility-free love. Now the excitement from of all the secrecy is stripped away. Just wait until he makes a baby with her and she turns into a normal serious responsible human.

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#8 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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Well...having been the unfaithful girlfriend before, I can tell you that infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

I'm so sorry you had to witness what you did.

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#9 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 08:29 AM
 
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hug2.gif You and your children don't deserve this, but you will be stronger and better off for it.  You don't need someone like that in your life.  Find a support system and lean on it!  Also, find an incredible (and mean) lawyer.  Yesterday.  File for divorce and get a custody agreement in place.  Take care of yourself and your babies and be gentle with yourself.


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#10 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 09:36 AM
 
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I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. There is something obviously wrong with your ex and some inner demons he'll need to work out on his own. Trust me when I say that him turning to this new girl will only make him "happy" for now. It's time for you to focus on you and your new baby - bring them into a positive and fulfilling home!

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#11 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 09:52 AM
 
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I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. It's not your fault at all and you shouldn't feel like it is. I agree that if you can you need to get a lawyer. And I don't know if you have already, but you should consider getting yourself tested for any STDs. Just to be on the safe side. 


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#12 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 11:39 AM
 
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I feel for you. Happened to me last year. 12 yr marriage with a 10 yr and newborn. Other woman was in mid 20's, too.

Like pp said, be prepared for him to come crawling back. It took mine 2.5 weeks.

I thought I had a plan where I would have him live outside the family home as I didn't expect or really want it to work out, but his job transferred him a month later and I agreed to go as I hated the current location, had only been there 3 months.

Now i want out. We should be transferred in 1 more year and I'm thinking that would my next out

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#13 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 03:11 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not write. A little over a month ago, my husband admitted to having screwed around several times in our marriage and that he wanted out. Most recently being while i was pregnant with our 8 month old. He said that he's been unhappy for years and other than the other woman being involved, my story is a lot like yours. I was completely blindsided as he never ever let on that he was the slightest bit unhappy with our relationship. Hell, I'm even a therapist.

 

It hurts, it still does, a lot. I feel like I've been thrown away that all my sacrifices as a SAHM count for nothing. I feel cheated that he didn't let me know he was unhappy when he first started having problems and while we were having kids. I feel robbed that I didn't get to make informed choices when having more children and I still can't quite believe that he would do something so harmful to me and the kids. That he'd be so incredibly selfish. And while he doesn't have anyone (that I know of) I feel like I've been just so casually placed aside and replaced with this new and glorious life he believes he'll have. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I did however recently make 2 days without crying and that was a bit of an accomplishment. It's getting a little easier to be distracted and laugh. I was a complete zombie for the first two weeks. I practically didn't eat for a week, my best friend dragged me out of my house and made me eat. I reeled for a good 4 weeks, trying desperately to make sense of the situation each and every day. I haven't tried to make sense of it since last week, and while I feel a profound sadness, I think I'm finally a little bit better able to control it. I think my best piece of advice as someone fresh from this is to really rely and lean on your friends and family. Find a great therapist, talk to your doctor, get a good lawyer and give yourself time and permission to deal with this very big hurt. It's hard when you have little ones, but enlist someone to hold the baby for 30-60 minutes while you take a bath or cry or rest. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, whatever is pressing and then just try your best to take care of yourself. If you want to contact me, please feel free.


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#14 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 03:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Did you ever come around? Did you ever regret your infidelity? Did you know all along that it was selfish, or just in hindsight? I'm just trying to understand what's going on in his head...I don't get it!


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#15 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, that was meant for halfasianmomma! 


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#16 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 03:55 PM
 
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oh mama hug2.gifYou don't deserve to be treated that way


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#17 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 06:56 PM
 
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Now you know who he really is.

You didn't deserve to find out the way you did. And you didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.

Probably one of the last things you want to think about is getting tested for STDs, but think about adding it to your list of things to do.

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#18 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 07:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

Well...having been the unfaithful girlfriend before, I can tell you that infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

I'm so sorry you had to witness what you did.



I agree with this. My DP of almost a decade cheated ( 7 month affair) on me a year and a half ago. He was unhappy with life as a grown up and was able to justify the affair that way. Also, his decisions are his own. Don't accept any blame for the suffering and misery he has caused. It's a  toxic and incredibly manipulative argument. Take care of yourself Mama. Get help and loving support. Take whatever time you need. We are all here for you.

 

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#19 of 85 Old 04-05-2011, 08:29 PM
 
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I just want to say I am so sorry you have to go through this, and add my love and support to those who've already posted. Stay strong, for your little ones and for yourself, too. You deserve so much better.

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#20 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 07:03 AM
 
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Wait, he and the new girl got the house and you're looking for an apartment? Honey, please believe that he has opted to give up rights to his family and take everything from him that is rightfully belonging to your babies and family. If it were me, I would have kicked him out and thrown his stuff on the lawn. Dishonesty and disrespect of that magnitude is entirely uncalled for. Get child support as soon as possible and don't take any BS from him about it. My ex and I left on much better terms than you're dealing with and he still thinks his petty needs come before feeding our kids.

That said, take care of you and your babies. Surround your selves with the love you truly deserve. Cry and process and take long bubble bathes. You'll survive and be stronger for it.
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#21 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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dont try to understand. you are asking for the impossible.

 

you are in the new here. give it time. grieve. and later you might have some understanding.

 

a LOT of what you wrote is identical of what happened to me. 

 

it took me years to understand but i am happy with the why - the basic idea i get.

 

ex is a wonderful person and still continues to me. but he has issues. he has abandonment issues and lives in his own hell that he is too scared to come out of. it is my fault (today i do understand it from his point of view) because i couldnt be who he wanted me to be. so his own mom abandoned him and now i did too. 

 

however i never blamed his gf. she was i felt in no part responsible for the breakup. our troubles had started way before which i was slowly becoming aware of. one day you will sit down and see that yes you knew the exact time when he started disconnecting but you didnt want to see it then. 

 

it took me two years of grieving process after our separation before i was able to see what a blessing he had bestowed upon me. becoming single opened up new doors for me which i could not have followed had i been in a partnership. 


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#22 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by meemee View Post

dont try to understand. you are asking for the impossible. <snip>


it took me two years of grieving process after our separation before i was able to see what a blessing he had bestowed upon me. becoming single opened up new doors for me which i could not have followed had i been in a partnership. 


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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post
I just can't believe how easily and quickly he replaced me.I feel so used. I gave him three children, a life for the past 13 years, a family, a home, a future. And he threw it all away. Why???? 

 

 

Because he puts himself before anyone else. I'm sure if you look at his overall habits, you will see that in small ways regarding everyday life.



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Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

....infidelity is a choice, like anything else, to put one's own needs and desires above the relationship already in progress. One convinces oneself that one "deserves" the excitment and thrill of the new encounter because of x,y,z. It's incredibly selfish and immature.

 

Yep.

 

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#23 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 12:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiscesMama24 View Post

Did you ever come around? Did you ever regret your infidelity? Did you know all along that it was selfish, or just in hindsight? I'm just trying to understand what's going on in his head...I don't get it!


My infidelity became a pattern in my early 20s, when I wanted out of a relationship but was petrified of breaking it off for the simple reason that I was not fulfilled. I didn't think I had the right to break it off, or I couldn't handle saying "I want out". So I would cheat, knowingly, and then tell my partner what I'd done and wait for them to break it off with me. The first time it happened, I was a nervous wreck and bawled like a child admitting what I'd done. Eventually though, it became my break-up method. I knew it was cowardly and hurtful but I tried not to think about it. I was convinced that since relationship X was so bad, I had no choice but to do what I did.

 

Ironically enough, it's when I met my XH that I decided I need to grow out of that habit because it made me feel dirty...and XH was the man who verbally and emotionally abused me for 6 years, constantly accusing me of infidelity when I was 100% faithful There were times that I thought that it was what I deserved after hurting so many people. And then, to make sure I'd learned my lesson, XH cheated on me and gave me an STD while I was pregnant. That's when I fully understood the emotional impact of infidelity.

 

I dunno if that's of any help to you... 
 

 

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#24 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 12:47 PM
 
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How horrible.  I teared up reading your post mama. 

 

I agree with MamaRhi above about you looking for a place.  On second thought, it would be hard to stay in the original home, at least for me.

 

I hope you are able to maybe have a colleague from your therapy training help out or have a great resource for a referral. 

 

These types of stories just shake me up inside. 

 

Love and light to you and your babies. 


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#25 of 85 Old 04-06-2011, 09:42 PM
 
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You can put a stop to her living there with a visit to your attorney. I don't know how quickly they could get it done. I knew this would be a problem for me, so we had wording in our order that says that no unrelated individual of the opposite sex can spend the night with him when the kids are with him. I did that after I found out that my tiny baby shared a bed with he and his little )(*&)(*&. I wish now that the wording said no unrelated individual can spend the night. I never imagined that he would have some of his friends sleeping over in the bedroom across the hall from my tiny girl. That's just not okay with me at all. Take care of these things while you still have the opportunity.  Get her out! If I hadn't done it, there would have been quite the revolving door by now. It truly sickens me.

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#26 of 85 Old 05-16-2011, 01:28 PM
 
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I stumbled on your post and felt like I should share my experience with you about a similar situation that happened to me. I know how much it hurts to have your world turned upside down by an experience like this and how it can consume all of your thoughts and feelings. 

 

A little background on how things went down. DH has an ex-girlfriend from college who over the past 11 years of our relationship has made multiple attempts to contact him. Normally I would have no problem with this. I am friends with everyone I have dated in the past and have encouraged him to do the same, but unfortunately this situation is different. During the holidays of our first year of dating, DH took a trip back to his home state of RI where she lives. While he was there she contacted him multiple times for him to come visit her, he did finally stop over at her house and she then proceeded to tell him how much she thinks about him and how she wished they could be together again etc, etc. (This happened a few months after I had met her on a prior visit to his hometown and we ran into her at a pub. We spent some time talking and had a few drinks with her so I never would have assumed she would be so blatantly disrespectful knowing DH and I were in a serious relationship) When DH returned from the trip he told me what had happened and it set the stage for me not trusting her or her intentions. I asked him to sever all contact with her and he agreed.

 

A few years later she contacted him on Facebook. I asked him to delete her as I felt granting her access into our lives by allowing her to view all of our pictures and posts was intrusive. I had heard from his family, when the first incident happened that she was a bit unstable and I just didnt want to open the door to any trouble. He did delete her and I thought all was said and done. Apparently she didnt get the hint and contacted him yet again. This time however I didnt find out about it until the shit hit the fan.

 

Last year when I was in my 7th month of pregnancy with our first child, I awoke one night at 3am to find DH not in bed next to me but in the living room on the computer chatting with her on Gmail chat. At this time period of our lives DH was drinking a little too much, often staying up late and finishing bottles of wine by himself. He works in the wine industry so this habit became very easy to do. I was pretty upset and hurt that he was sneeking  behind my back and talking with her again. I let it go till the next morning and was planning on talking to him about it before I went off to work. In the morning he was passed out on the couch and he had left his email open and I found a huge list of emails spanning all the way back to a few weeks prior to us finding out we were pregnant. The emails were filled with love poems (she apparently fancies herself a "poet") downloads of love songs and correspondences that were inappropriate.  So for my entire pregnancy this emotional affair had been brewing and getting pretty intense. But here is the real kicker she is also married with one child and was also 7 months pregnant. Somehow in my frazzled and blindsided state of shock I found her number online and called her to confront her and hear  why she thought this emotional affair she was having with my husband was okay. Her response to me was that I should "evaluate my relationship" and that she was just being "true to herself " and I "just happened to get in the way and got hurt" WHAT!?!? I still to this day a year later look back and dont really know what I expected her to say. I guess maybe I was expecting some sort of apology or some sort of semblance of remorse. But of course there was nothing of this in her voice or words. I really felt bad for her husband. He was there when I called and even got on the phone and said he was sorry I was so upset. He said he did know that they were chatting occasionally but had no idea of the poems, songs or emails. He was just as deceived as I was. I am sure he felt betrayed finding out that his pregnant wife was emotionally involved with another man. I am certain she never showed him all the correspondence between the two. Sometimes I find myself wanting to print out all of the emails that I have from her to DH and mail them to her husband just so she can see the pain in his eyes of how I was feeling. But I stop myself knowing that causing anymore pain will not do anyone any good. The revenge would be sweet but 2 wrongs dont make a right.

 

Of course DH was not innocent in all this chaos. We went through a pretty rough time following this disaster. My trust was broken and in a big way. He again and again told me how she means nothing to him and the whole thing was just a distraction from the stress he was feeling from becoming a first time father. He kept saying how she was the one pushing the interactions even after he told her that I wouldnt be comfortable with them having any contact. (So much for women standing up for one another is all I can think about that) I am working on building back my trust and it has been pretty difficult letting go of the anger and hurt that I endured during such a special time in my life. For the most part though I have forgiven and I am trying to forget. One thing though I know I will hold onto forever, is the thought that all of the stress I was under because of this could have caused potential harm to my pregnancy and to my beautiful baby boy while he was still in utero. This will never leave my mind.

 

Sorry this was so long and rambling. I feel that hearing other people's stories can somehow soften the pain you are feeling, if even for a moment. Of course this emotional affair pales in comparison to what you have experienced but just remember you are not alone!! Talking about it can really help. Hugs to you Mama! xoxoxo


A Mommy In Love!!!

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#27 of 85 Old 05-19-2011, 04:54 PM
 
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Wow. I can't believe this happened to someone else. My husband and I had a 19 year civil union. He started going nuts a couple years ago. He had me arrested for our 19th anniversary. Hid $24K of community property from me and squandered it until it was gone. Now he has moved his cousin into our house and is sleeping with her. They are supposedly moving out this weekend, leaving me with the rent due and utilities unpaid. Last night, my 22-year old car broke down and needs a new engine, so I can't even get to work. I have virtually no family at all. I can't afford a divorce (starting at $6500) when I can't even pay the rent. I found your post by googling "another woman in my house." I wish I knew how it turned out for you. Wish I knew how it will turn out for me.

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#28 of 85 Old 09-04-2011, 10:08 AM
 
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Sorry this is a little late. And sorry this is so long. But it's from the bottom of my heart, love. 

 

Honey sweetheart, my advice to you is to know that NOTHING and I mean NOTHING you did in this situation warranted it to be your fault. Equally as important, I strongly encourage you to be strong and fight tooth and nail to get full custody of your children. I know this is not easy, it is so far from easy, but you've got to do it, for your sake and your children's.  Use his words against him, Mama!  He used his own words to say that he didn't want anything to do with the life he made with you, and that includes your children. He said he didn't want your four year old. He doesn't want it, so he has no right to have it now.  He doesn't want it, and his hurtful manipulative actions warrant that he is not mature or worthy enough to be in the lives of your beautiful children. Although it's bitter and sad to no end, he has deceived you all big time and therefore is a skunk who is better off NOT being a part of your lives. As for the girl, as a feminist I try to be understanding and just, but this woman was clearly doing wrong and knowing it because unlike other cheatees, she KNEW another woman was being cheated on at her expense and she willfully manipulated you so that it could happen. Feminist or no feminist, what she did was heinous, no respect for her fellow woman, and having someone so manipulative be apart of the lives of your children (they're yours, not hers after all!!) could be incredibly harmful. Give your angels all your love, and be strong, you are a beautiful and wonderful person who deserves happiness.  You feel that everything you have has been taken from you, and you're right to feel this way. The solution is, be a badass, and take it back!!!!!  It's not stealing, it's reclaiming what's rightfully yours.

 

Use all of the manipulative and deceitful actions of your ex-husband and his mistress against them.  The trip to Reno and how they lied, use that kind of thing as ammunition. That kind of behavior is and could be an endangerment to your children.  Don't be afraid to play it up and milk it for all its worth.  If they lie about where they're going, you can argue in court, how will you always know where your children are, and if they're safe??? Use every last wrong-doing as part of your arguments in court to win full custody of your children.  I know it's easier said than done, it's so difficult, but they will be better off with you and without that skunk, and you will be better off knowing they're safe with you at all times, mother and children growing strong together with love.

 

Surround yourself with love and strength, don't be afraid to cry and process, but also don't be afraid to get angry.  Fight for your rights, fight for your children, fight for all that you deserve. You are so, so, so, worth it, and it's your human right to reclaim your life. Never feel guilty for it.  You haven't done anything wrong, you aren't doing anything wrong, and you will not do anything wrong. You are a wonderful person who is deserving of all the love and respect in this World.  And you deserve to have all that was in your world NOT taken from you, because he is the one who screwed up. Big time.

 

 

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#29 of 85 Old 09-04-2011, 10:27 AM
 
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#30 of 85 Old 11-27-2011, 08:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much Mamas, for all your thoughtful responses. We are now officially divorced. The way it played out is that I was not able to get sole legal custody, but I was able to get sole physical custody. My lawyer said that pretty much the only way to get legal rights taken away from the non-custodial parent is if he/she is a heroin addict, felon, etc. My ex and have have been doing joint co-parenting counseling sessions in order to determine how to introduce his "mistress," now his girlfriend, to the kids (mainly my older daughter). I have been prolonging the therapy sessions as long as I can in hopes of putting as much time and space between the event (the affair, the move, etc.) and the introduction of this new woman. But it's coming down to it. We only have a couple more to meet the minimum 8 sessions required by our stipulation and then she'll be around, Every. Single. Time. I think I mentioned it in my first post but she moved in just a couple weeks after I moved out, and has been living there ever since. 

 

I'm really struggling right now. On the one hand I just want there to be peace and not have ANY more drama (I already feel like this was a sick and twisted Jerry Springer episode). On the other hand, I am still so incredibly hurt and devastated that my marriage ended in this way, and now I feel like I have to hand my children over to the woman who caused this mess to begin with. Why should she share in the joyous parts of parenting my children after all she's done?! Children are a blessing, not a reward for morally bankrupt, deceitful, manipulative behavior! Ugh...I'm so confused. 

 

I want to be able to just let go, to surrender, to find some sense of peace in this whole messed up situation. I just don't know how to get to that place. And I feel like I"m being forced to agree to having her around my children because legally, according to my lawyer, once we're divorced there's nothing I can do to prevent him from having whoever around them that he chooses when it's his timeshare. 

 

How would you handle this? Would you keep fighting or try to let it go? 


Mama to DD 4/07 and DS 1/11.  Missing my Zejah Grace (Born sleeping at 39 weeks 6 days) 2/3/10
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