Kinda bizarre question about visitation - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 05-07-2011, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My baby's dad is fairly uninvolved in her life. He randomly shows for visits (if he ever asks to visit I never say no). He rarely helps with any support etc. He isn't on the birth certificate or listed anywhere. Which honestly suits me fine. Recently he says he wants to start visiting more, like a few hours a week and is willing to give me $200/mo. He makes good money and has two homes so he $200 is pocket change for him. I'm wondering if you all think that it is a benefit to a child to have a parent who randomly visits a few hours a week or is it harmful? I mean harmful as in confusing and inconsistent visits could emotionally be an issue. The money isn't an issue to me at this point because I think $200/mo is a joke. We all know it costs way more then that to raise a child. I'm debating if I should allow the visits or tell him to go away for good. Which he would if I told him to. He isn't invested in the baby and I hold a rather large piece of information that could get him in serious trouble over his head if necessary. What do you ladies think? Is a father who appears a few times a week for an hour or so good or harmful? Any advice or thoughts? I'm seriously having a tough time with this.

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#2 of 5 Old 05-07-2011, 04:38 PM
 
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Do you think this is a fluke? Like his intrest will fizzle out in the next 6 months?

If not I think I would say yes to consistent weekly or bimonthly visitations of 3-4 hours. And take whatever money and put it in a savings account for your daughter, or enroll her in gymnastics or something. But only take cash or have him just go and pay for the gymnastics class, etc. That way it just looks like a gift and not "child support".

I think the visits would only be harmful to your DD if he was abusive or inconsitent. If he starts this up and then disappears after 3 months then don't try it again. But I think it can only benefit your daughter to have frequent contact with her father if he intends to stick around. Obviously he is not doing any parenting but I think his presence will still be good for her if he is a mostly healthy person.

Again, the key would be consitency. The same time every week or every other week and 24 hours notice if he needs to cancel. Not just randomly showing up every once in a while.


  

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#3 of 5 Old 05-07-2011, 05:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well he has done some visits in the past but if he and I ever argue or disagree on something then he disappears. Recently he didn't contact us for almost 6 months and before that we didn't hear from him last March-Sept. His visits are random and sporadic. He sees us around town often but he typically ignores us. If I go based on his past actions then I would have to say this won't be consistent. If I go based on his words then he says he wants to be 100% involved. Which his 100% means a few hours a week.  Last week he saw her once for 2 hours and the week before that nothing and the week before that a 1 hour visit. He refuses to give me his phone number and he shows up at my house infrequently. The visits are tough for me because I have to sit with him for 2 or so hours and as a full time student and a full time mom this seriously cuts into my study time and mom time. But I would do it for my daughter if it seems like it is a good thing. Honestly I just can't tell if it is good. I do know I could never let her be at his home (due to some serious issues that he wouldn't argue with) so where would this even go? I'm confused. He told me in the past that if I ever file child support that he would never speak to us again. In my mind I'm thinking if a dad could even say that then he isn't truly interested in the well being of their own child.

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#4 of 5 Old 05-08-2011, 12:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kwan*Yin View Post

 He told me in the past that if I ever file child support that he would never speak to us again. In my mind I'm thinking if a dad could even say that then he isn't truly interested in the well being of their own child.



Based on this statement, I think you know what is the answer here.  I agree, that if the dad really wants to be involved *consistently*, and truly has the best interests of the child in mind, it would be good for the child to have the dad in their life. 

  This guy has no contact for many months at a time, refuses to give you his phone #, and ignores you and your child when he sees you in public.  It sounds like there are some real isues here, and I would worry that it would be harmful to your child if you set up regular visitations, and your child became accostomed to seeing him regularly, then he decided to disappear again. 

 

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#5 of 5 Old 05-08-2011, 03:59 PM
 
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I would think and discuss the future, especially if he is not willing to give such basic info as his phone number.  Whats he going to do when your dc wants to call him and have more contact? The two of you really need to discuss that before letting him into your lives.

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