May Day, May Day, I need a May Dating Thread - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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Single Parenting > May Day, May Day, I need a May Dating Thread
chicaalegre's Avatar chicaalegre 06:24 AM 05-18-2011

Hi all, I'm 28 w/ two kids, 4 and 20 mos. My XH and I separated 8 months ago and our divorce will be final in July. 

 

I am dating someone, we'll call him K, sort of accidentally, and it has been exhilarating and fun but also given me pause for some reasons. I am very aware of enjoying the attention, having genuine affection for K, enjoying the sex, conversation, etc. But, I do have a nagging feeling that it is "too soon." The thing I'm not sure of, is whether that nagging feeling is MY OWN or picked up from the opinions and assumptions of other people. My mother mentioned awhile back that she thinks it would be appropriate for me to wait until my divorce is final. I have some stereotypes in my own head about what is and isn't appropriate for single mothers to do, which I had never examined until oops, I became a single mother. 

 

I've actually known K longer than I've known XH, although we were never involved romantically before except once in college when we made out after a party. He is 13 years older than me and so, when I was 20, that wasn't attractive. Now age doesn't feel like a barrier so much, and he is an incredibly kind, gentle, intelligent and honest man. His behavior is consistent, he has strong feelings for me (he told me he's had feelings for me for years, basically, but had given it up as a lost cause when I got married. He says he told me before but I was super young and flighty and dating women at the time and so wasn't interested and don't even really remember.) I have found myself, frustratingly, sometimes turned off by his "niceness," which I think is rather typical for women who have previously attracted/been attracted to addicts/abusive personalities. I am not interested in being in a serious commitment right now, I'm interested in dating other people although not actively seeking out new dating possibilities--and while K has been super supportive and laid back about knowing that I've got a lot going on, with kids and divorce and work, etc., and understanding about my reluctance to jump back into something, I don't think he's interested in dating around. In terms of his personality, I think he's a great man with long-term potential. The things that turn me off when thinking about any future with K are that he's sortof a super-bachelor whose politics have kept him somewhat on the fringe in terms of career/stability. He's been a cab driver for many years, hates it, has never had health insurance, and is somewhat of an alcohol enthusiast (I'm really not sure if it's a problem for him, but it makes me nervous). But, on the positive side, he's never been fired from a job, he lives within his means, he's taking classes in things that interest him and working toward being able to change career paths. He's pretty much a libertarian anarchist musician, which I totally approve of, so I'm trying not to get hung up on more traditional ideas of what makes someone good partner-potential. 

 

It feels like things have moved rather quickly, but really we've known each other almost a decade. I want to be careful not to lose myself again in the process, because I am really good at *not* taking care of myself and focusing on other people instead, and I've recognized some obsessive/controlling thinking going on in myself about K. XH was an emotionally, sexually abusive person and we have a very hostile relationship with almost no communication. I'm a member of Alanon (12 step recovery for family/friends of alcoholics/addicts) and so am trying to stay self-aware and accountable and avoid old patterns of behavior. I somewhat suspect that I have problems with love and/or sex addiction, but am hoping that with 12 step work I can stay on top of it. Someone else recommended Women Who Love Too Much, and I have read and related heavily to that book. 

 

I'm just trying to do things one day at a time and not overthink all this. It's fun, he's a good guy, it's pretty early on in whatever-this-is. 



JohnnysGirl's Avatar JohnnysGirl 03:44 PM 05-19-2011
Welcome surrogate & chicalegre!
I relate to the loneliness/weepiness aspect of being single, surrogate. And chicalegre, I know how awful & bitter not being on speaking terms with your kids' dad can be.

Hugs to all of us here who need a hug!!

I am feeling super lucky right now. Had an ah-maz-ing discussion of politics with Cucumber and I know he and I are moving in the right direction. For those of you who are my Facebook friends, clips and pics of him & my kids jamming in his music studio (very cute!) are up.
We booked flights to see my mom in 6 weeks, and manhattan after that. I was thinking NYC to tell him that I love him very much and I see the possibility of a very happy future together, the way things are going.
But....my friend advised to not potentially ruin the vacation (if I don't like his reply).

What do you guys think?
Halfasianmomma's Avatar Halfasianmomma 09:20 AM 05-20-2011

Hi mamas,

 

I haven't been around MDC for a little while, but after what's happened in the past few days, I think I need to post on this thread again.

 

I'm 33, mama to a nearly 3 year old DD, living with my parents since I left an abusive alkie XH. We're planning on buying a duplex together next year so that DD can have her grandparents close but we can all have a bit more personal space.

 

I've been dating an old friend of mine, I called him "Saxman", for over a year now. We hooked back up a few months after my separation from XAH (we'd been together before XAH and I met). Things were going spendidly until very recently. Heck, he'd even asked me to shop for an engagement ring and to tell him how much he needed to save up for. Very sweet. We got into all sorts of planning about buying an "ethical" diamond ring and having it custom designed. Then a few days ago, I had a weird feeling that I might be preggo, because I missed 2 pills this month and suddenly, I was SUPER bloated and hormonal. I told him about it and he got very nervous. Finally, AF came but rather violently, so I told him he could relax...He then sends me a very long email saying that even though we discussed how having a baby right now isn't a good idea, he is starting to realize that there will NEVER be a good time. He went on to list the many reasons that we should just stay together as a couple, get married and all, but not have a child...First and foremost on his list is the fact that he'll have to "give up so many things!". He also mentions that it'll delay my completing my graduate degree and changing careers.

 

I have to say, I'm very disappointed. When we first got together, I specifically asked him if there was a possibility, sometime in the future, for us to have kids. I told him how important it was for me for the possibility to exist, and if that there wasn't a possibility, I didn't want to pursue our relationship. Here we are, over a year later, and he's backpeddling. I think that he has seen what life with a toddler is like, and he is imagining all the things he won't be able to do if we were to have one of our own. Don't get me wrong, he's amazing with DD and she loves him dearly...but he wants to "focus on his dreams".

 

Am I wrong to think he is a bit...self-centered? He's 33 like me, has only been in 3 long term relationships, and his entire focus was "finding THE ONE", for as long as I've known him. He's spent a good deal of time as a bachelor and I think he's gotten used to his life (teaching FT, music PT, friends, family, but no partner).

 

I'm just so disappointed. In my mind, he was The Perfect Guy to marry, to introduce to your folks, to buy a house with, ...and to have kids with. Strong family values, loyal, honest, quirky, artistically minded, financially responsible, healthy...Our parents have met and we have quickly woven our lives together...me thinking we'd be having babies, and him thinking that we would just get married and leave it at that. I guess I projected what I wanted onto him and forgot that he's his own person.

 

We talked about all this and resolved to discuss it further. I don't want to break up here and now, but I realize that this could become a point of contention later on, and I don't want to continue this relationship thinking that I'll convince him into fatherhood a few years down the road. It would be unfair to us both...and to DD.

 

Thoughts anyone?


AttunedMama 09:46 AM 05-20-2011


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

Hi mamas,

 

I haven't been around MDC for a little while, but after what's happened in the past few days, I think I need to post on this thread again.

 

I'm 33, mama to a nearly 3 year old DD, living with my parents since I left an abusive alkie XH. We're planning on buying a duplex together next year so that DD can have her grandparents close but we can all have a bit more personal space.

 

I've been dating an old friend of mine, I called him "Saxman", for over a year now. We hooked back up a few months after my separation from XAH (we'd been together before XAH and I met). Things were going spendidly until very recently. Heck, he'd even asked me to shop for an engagement ring and to tell him how much he needed to save up for. Very sweet. We got into all sorts of planning about buying an "ethical" diamond ring and having it custom designed. Then a few days ago, I had a weird feeling that I might be preggo, because I missed 2 pills this month and suddenly, I was SUPER bloated and hormonal. I told him about it and he got very nervous. Finally, AF came but rather violently, so I told him he could relax...He then sends me a very long email saying that even though we discussed how having a baby right now isn't a good idea, he is starting to realize that there will NEVER be a good time. He went on to list the many reasons that we should just stay together as a couple, get married and all, but not have a child...First and foremost on his list is the fact that he'll have to "give up so many things!". He also mentions that it'll delay my completing my graduate degree and changing careers.

 

I have to say, I'm very disappointed. When we first got together, I specifically asked him if there was a possibility, sometime in the future, for us to have kids. I told him how important it was for me for the possibility to exist, and if that there wasn't a possibility, I didn't want to pursue our relationship. Here we are, over a year later, and he's backpeddling. I think that he has seen what life with a toddler is like, and he is imagining all the things he won't be able to do if we were to have one of our own. Don't get me wrong, he's amazing with DD and she loves him dearly...but he wants to "focus on his dreams".

 

Am I wrong to think he is a bit...self-centered? He's 33 like me, has only been in 3 long term relationships, and his entire focus was "finding THE ONE", for as long as I've known him. He's spent a good deal of time as a bachelor and I think he's gotten used to his life (teaching FT, music PT, friends, family, but no partner).

 

I'm just so disappointed. In my mind, he was The Perfect Guy to marry, to introduce to your folks, to buy a house with, ...and to have kids with. Strong family values, loyal, honest, quirky, artistically minded, financially responsible, healthy...Our parents have met and we have quickly woven our lives together...me thinking we'd be having babies, and him thinking that we would just get married and leave it at that. I guess I projected what I wanted onto him and forgot that he's his own person.

 

We talked about all this and resolved to discuss it further. I don't want to break up here and now, but I realize that this could become a point of contention later on, and I don't want to continue this relationship thinking that I'll convince him into fatherhood a few years down the road. It would be unfair to us both...and to DD.

 

Thoughts anyone?


Me, me!

 

Break up with him now. Let him know you care about him and respect him and will miss the companionship. Tell him if he ever wants to become a dad, to call you first, but you are on a 'more children' path, no doubt about it. And it should be clear, but if he asks, be firm that you are not "waiting" on or for him. You are on a specific kind of motherhood trajectory and he is CLEARLY  not relevant to that. You can be 'friends', but the kind of friends who don't really see each other or talk much.

 

Unless, of course, you DO doubt it, and maybe you want to wait it out and keep your family size in a "question mark state" .However, if you are *sure* you want more kids(won't be happy otherwise?), move on now. You can always get back together, and breaking it off with him shows that you have excellent boundaries. It also gives you a peak into how he behaves in a break-up (healthy? crazy?), which is statistically likely after you've birthed his babies that y'all will split someday.

 

IME, he needs to want to be a dad of his own wishes FIRST, before seriously being involved with a woman who wants children. Then, you can examine whether it is a good call for the two of you to go into it together.

 

 

I think what I'm saying is, the decision is yours. Him (known, comfortable) or the chance of what you really want (risky!). Good luck making the decision...but based on what you write, it sounds like you know what you really want....Don't spend time pondering whether he's "selfish" or not. Keep your head clear and your integrity at the forefront. There's no good result from manipulating a dude into kids, and speculating about his 'issues' is the first step down that toxic path. Just accept that he currently does NOT want children, and proceed with your own life of WANTING children.


Halfasianmomma's Avatar Halfasianmomma 11:38 AM 05-20-2011

The issue is a bit complicated by the fact that I'm not sure about wanting to have another baby...I just want to know that the possibility is there, if in a few years I decide I want one. So...in a very real way, I'm the wishy washy one...I guess Saxman thought/hoped that I wouldn't want to throw off my career plans, and was surprised when I reacted rather angrily to his email suggesting that we "close up shop".

 

Hmmm, guess this is going to be a "wait and see" situation...


rubelin's Avatar rubelin 11:53 AM 05-20-2011

yeahthat.gif  attuned mama said just what I was thinking . I am sorry that it hasn't worked out how you planned but there is someone amazing out there who does want to have kids with you - go find him.


mimim's Avatar mimim 02:15 PM 05-20-2011
Maybe it's best not to make any immediate decisions after a false pregnancy scare. It's shocking. Let it sink in a bit before you discuss it. And if you have children you DO have to give up a lot of things. That doesn't exactly sound selfish to me; it sounds practical and reasonable. I think it would be very telling to examine how he interacts with the child(ren) that you already have. Are you satisfied with him in that regard?

Although I don't know how helpful my viewpoint is, since I am coming from a very different perspective given that I vehemently do not want any more children and would prefer that my children don't have step-parents while they are young, if feasible.
JohnnysGirl's Avatar JohnnysGirl 02:51 PM 05-25-2011

I agree with attunedmama.  You do want more children, as difficult as it always is to work into a life full of other goals.  Your long post made it clear how much you do.

Break up with him now.


zoeyzoo's Avatar zoeyzoo 05:52 PM 05-25-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

The issue is a bit complicated by the fact that I'm not sure about wanting to have another baby...I just want to know that the possibility is there, if in a few years I decide I want one. So...in a very real way, I'm the wishy washy one...I guess Saxman thought/hoped that I wouldn't want to throw off my career plans, and was surprised when I reacted rather angrily to his email suggesting that we "close up shop".

 

Hmmm, guess this is going to be a "wait and see" situation...

 

I would leave it as a we'll see situation for now and not do anything rash. You need to take some time for yourself though and figure out how you envision your future - more kids or not. When you are clear on that it will give you the answer you need.
 

 


Halfasianmomma's Avatar Halfasianmomma 11:45 AM 05-26-2011

Hi mamas,

 

Saxman and I had another long discussion about this issue and we both agreed to "wait and see". He is finishing off the school year and afterwards, he will be on sabbatical for an entire year (plus two summers). I think that year will be quite tellling, as he is struggling himself with regards to his music. He could go to Europe to promote his band, or he could stay here to study composition and play as much as possible locally.

 

Also, another project has come up that may change how things go between us. I've been living with my parents since my separation over a year ago, and though we had plans to purchase a duplex together so DD could continue being close to her grandparents, we've discovered that real estate prices have sky rocketed and duplexes may be out of our collective reach. I've suggested to my parents that we investigate the possibility of sacrificing the office and garage in the basement to create a separate apartment for DD and myself. It would involved a lot of construction as we would have to throw down all the walls down there to remodel and find a way to include a kitchen/bathroom down there, along with two bedrooms, but it would mean remaining in our current neighborhood, which is walking distance to the subway, to an elementary school, to a great park, and 5 minutes away from all the shopping my parents could want. It's not the ideal situation for me space-wise (I was hoping for a larger space) but I just don't have the cash to purchase a duplex...Now, if this project IS feasible, the question is this: will Saxman want to live with me. For him, it would mean living in the same house (but separate) from my parents...it would mean travelling to get to work (he lives 10 minutes away) and it would mean getting a car. Also, there would be no practice space for him and he'd had to sell most of his stuff...So, it's a BIG change/sacrifice for him, and he's not quite sure how it'll all work out. He says he's willing to make those changes, but I can hear him hesitating. Heck, in his shoes, I would too.

 

So, again, we're up in the air.

 

Weirdly enough, he was asking me to shop for engagement rings with him just two weeks ago. I guess that's on hold too.


mimim's Avatar mimim 01:50 PM 05-29-2011
It sounds like you aren't in a position to move this relationship to the next level right now anyway, Halfasianmomma. "Wait and see" isn't such a bad place to be. Once your situation changes to one that might allow the two of you to move in together, then you might have figured out the other issues too.


And I'm saying bye for now. I've been wasting my time with dating for the last few months. I need to heal before I involve myself with anyone, so as of now and for an undetermined period of time, I am considering myself unavailable. Good luck to all of you! wave.gif
DCMama01's Avatar DCMama01 07:31 PM 05-29-2011

Halfasianmomma, if you're not sure where you stand on having more children, maybe its not a good idea to move in together. That'll make it much harder to break up later if that is best. You have much more to lose than him. 10 years from now, he can suddenly change his mind and decide kids are good for him. We women dont have that option. I'm not saying to leave him now, but just wanted to throw that out there.

 

I am a 28 year old single mama of an 18 month old girl. Next month will make it officially a year since we split so we've been apart most of her life. Ex is still involved but most things fall on me. He's another narcissist, so I'm happy to be out of that relationship.

 

I have been dating off and on (mostly on) since the breakup. I promised myself that I wouldnt entertain any relationships for the first year. I'm so glad I did because my emotions have been all over the place this past year and I didn't want to end up with anyone I attracted during that time. I do want at least 1 more child (2 max) so I would like to marry at some point.

 

In the meantime, I have accomplished alot over the past year. I went from having never left the US to having visited several countries since (more than 10). I've met a couple of really good men who just werent right for me, but that I've learned from. I've increased my income, dropped the baby weight (plus some), and started putting myself first. I think I attracted the emotionally needy guys before because I used to put myself last. My new years resolution was to be selfish and it's paid dividends.

 

There's one guy I've been dating since September, an FWB. He wants more (marriage and kids as his clock is ticking) but he's not it for me. I have cut him off a couple times because I didnt want to lead him on, but I havent stuck with it.

 

I do know there's a great guy out there for me. My settling days are behind me.


turtle2who's Avatar turtle2who 10:19 PM 05-29-2011

Ugh- I guess I'm one of the oldest here! I am 42 and the single mama to my son who just turned 6! I left his dad last August so that means we've been separated for 9 months now! I just recently started feeling ready to date again so I joined Match.com. I am a teacher working with all women and all of my friends are old married folks- lol. So I don't have much opportunity to meet single men. And I've always been super cautious and taken things really slow. . . . But something has gotten into me lately and I feel like I just want to have fun and I'm not looking for "the ONE" just someone I am relatively compatible with who wants to spend time with me- and if it goes further- great!

 

Well- I met this really nice guy online and we got together Friday night for the first time IRL. And well- after dinner and a few drinks we ended up back at my place.  And for the first time in my life I slept with a man on the first date! Holy crow- what was I thinking?!?!  I am so upset with my self because I really enjoyed getting to know him and he seemed like such a nice man who I would've liked to get to know better and spend more time with.  But he hasn't communicated with me since we said goodbye at 3 am on Saturday morning. I know- so maybe he's not such a nice guy- but geez! I can't stop beating myself up about it. 

 

There was a lot of playful banter in regards to sex before we even met in person. I didn't really think we'd get there on the first date but I was totally open to it seeing as it had been close to a year since I had had any!  So I guess what I'm saying is- beforehand when it was all hypothetical I was psyched. But now that I was actually bold enough to make it happen- which is totally out of character for me, btw- I just can't stop thinking about how stupid it was. But sadly the regret is really mostly because he isn't responding to my post date email.

 

This is stupid right?  Sorry- I just needed a place to get this out. I can't tell my friends or family what I did! Like I said- totally out of character- they would think I had lost my marbles. Maybe I have. . . .

 

 


DCMama01's Avatar DCMama01 06:54 AM 05-30-2011

9 months is a loooooong time to go with out. You got some fine tuning (I hope) and a good meal. He sounds like one of those perpetual single guys on Match who are just looking for flings. Any mention of sex early on (joke or not) is a red flag for me. I don't entertain it. He doesn't sound like long term potential so consider yourself lucky.


turtle2who's Avatar turtle2who 11:41 AM 05-30-2011

Ha ha ha- thanks for the lift DC Mama. I know you're right. I'm just lonely and guys that are even worth meeting seem so few and far between.

But I did have a good time- ;-)

 

Wish I had some better ideas how to meet men.


Devaya's Avatar Devaya 01:47 PM 05-30-2011

Turtle2who, I SO know that feeling and I'm sorry you've had to go through that. I do think though that it's not so much a matter of, how to meet good guys, as what your mindset around it is, and my own experience is that when I'm feeling lonely and a bit needy I attract users and guys who can't commit. Just my two cents...


Mimim, I'll miss you on here. Good luck with your healing process and good on you for taking that time out :)

 

I've been single 6 or 7 weeks now and I must say it feels like AGES already. A promising sounding online guy (daily emails for a week, becoming really long and detailed quite quickly, lots in common - yet he doesnt seem pushy or creepy at all) has given me his number, I'm nervous and excited! I've left that site though now and joined OK Cupid, it's great so far!

 

I wonder if I'm being too fussy in my profile, in the section 'Contact me if you...' I've put, 'have a spiritual side, love music and/or words, are flexible and openminded yet reliable and able to commit'...is that too specific do you think? I dont' want to waste my time with time wasters, and I am very clear on what I want. This guy I've been communicating with sounds like the perfect combo  - deep yet funny too, but you never know till you meet them in person of course. I'm enjoying the feeling of having stuff 'going on' online, as in guys showing an interest, even if it never leads anywhere. But I really wish I could focus more on my own life (busy as it is!) and less on finding a guy. When I really think about having a relationship, it freaks me a bit really, because I can't imagine how I would push aside all the stuff currently in my life to make room for a BIG, proper relationship (my last one was so part-time, long distance etc).  Yet I do still want it so much.


turtle2who's Avatar turtle2who 07:15 PM 05-30-2011

Oh Devaya- thanks for the eye opener. You are right. I was actually thinking about that today- that I AM feeling lonely and needy and that is SO not me normally. I think it is a wierd situation of my PMS week coinciding with my son being away with his dad for 3 full days. So I am alone and emotional. But ugh- I have NEVER done this before. I felt so powerful and bold- which I have never really felt with men so that was kind of cool- and really has changed my outlook on myself and made me feel more confident in a funny way- even though not hearing from him since has been a bit of a blow.

 

I'm trying to take the lesson away and look for the good things that came from it. I know there are other guys out there. I want to have fun and make friends and just take whatever comes- you know? Yes I'd like to be in a relationship- have someone to talk to regularly- someone to go out with now and then, to sleep with- yes- definitely. As DC Mama said- 9 mos is a long time- and in June it would've actually been a year without sex- we've just been separated for 9 mos.

 

And Devaya- thanks for the lead on other dating sites. I did Eharmony and didn't like it at all. Now I'm trying Match. I've only been on a week and already feel like there isn't much going on there. I'm thinking about trying the cheap or free ones in addition to Match just so I can also feel the satisfaction of having stuff going on online! And with summer coming I am going to be off work and watching 3 kids all day long- then my son will leave me all alone to go to his dad's and ugh. . . all my friends are married with kids. I need to find another social circle.


Halfasianmomma's Avatar Halfasianmomma 02:31 PM 06-03-2011

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.


Holland73's Avatar Holland73 07:47 PM 06-03-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.

 

I found out, after the divorce, that my XH was the one who just went along with "my plan" because I wanted a child so badly.  And, if he had told me he wasn't ready or wanting to even have a child, I don't think I would have truly listened to (or even, heard) him.  Sure did shoot myself in the foot with that one. 

 

Additionally, I had colleague relent to having another child because her new husband wanted one so badly.  They divorced a year after the child was born.  She loves her child, but she is so angry with herself for not being able to say "no!"  And, she does deal with a lot of resentment towards herself and her XH now.   

 

So... you are very lucky to have a man be so honest and open about his reasons for not having a child.  And, his reasons are very similar to my own reasons for not wanting to have another child myself, so I can really relate to what he is saying.    

 

My suggestion... do exactly as you are doing:  take break from the relationship to gain some solid perspective and reflection.  With time, you will know what you need to do. 


*MamaJen*'s Avatar *MamaJen* 01:24 PM 06-04-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma View Post

So, I'm back with some news. Saxman and I are...on a break. We had a lot of talks about the subject of children and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I would really like to have at least one more, hopefully before I turn 40. I don't think it's a crazy plan. I'm 33 now and I'm slowly getting things settled financially. DD will be 3 this summer...Through our discussions, Saxman brought up a number of reasons he doesn't think having children is a good idea:

  • Overpopulation
  • The heartache that children can bring
  • The possibility of having a disabled child
  • The things he'd have to give up (i.e. his music)
  • Worrying about becoming "not as important"
  • The concern about a potentially disappearing sex life postpartum

 

He's obviously thought all this through in the years where he was single, or after his previous girlfriend terminated her pregnancies. He now tells me that he would concede to having a child with me, but only to make me happy. He doesn't see it as something exciting; he sees it as a sacrifice he would make for the sake of the relationship.

 

My gut reaction is...well, if you are going to drag your feet while I'm pregnant and eventually feel frustrated or resentful, then why bother? I really love this man. I love how well he fits into my family. We click in so many ways...just not where children are concerned. I thought I had found "the one", the person to share the joys of pregnancy, birth and parenting with...something I didn't have with my exh...but right now, today, it all leaves him so indifferent.

 

I've asked Saxman for a break. I need some room to figure this out. We haven't even lived together yet, but I feel like this is an important issue to discuss now, especially because DD is getting more and more attached to him.

 

I'd really appreciate some input.


You know, as incredibly hard as this must be, I think it's a really strong and intelligent move for you to make. You've prioritized that you want more children and that's important to you. In the past I think you might have offered a compromise or not rocked the boat?

I think it's great that you're discussing this now and you're able to set your boundaries around what's important. I'm sorry, I know it must be really hard. But I think it's the right thing to do. And you really are an inspiration.

 

 


mimim's Avatar mimim 12:20 PM 06-05-2011
Okay. Well. Of course, as soon as I give up, I meet somebody that I'm excited about. While sitting and reading on Tuesday night, a cute guy struck up a conversation with me about my book. We sat and talked and talked until I finally dragged myself away hours after I'd meant to be home in bed. I started to leave without exchanging numbers (given my resolve to take a break from dating) and he very awkwardly (and awkwardness is really attractive to me) asked me for mine. We've had a little "everything reminds me of you" text message exchange going on since then and I'm meeting up with him in a few hours for dinner. I haven't met anybody who was both interesting to talk to and who made me desperately want to kiss him in soooo long. No idea yet if this is going anywhere, but I'm enjoying the super-crushy-can't-wait-to-see-him-again feeling while it's here!!! I've been resisting posting about it, out of slight embarrassment for being so wishy-washy about my decision to stop looking and also I'm afraid of jinxing it, but I need to gush. joy.gif


Halfasianmomma, I'm sorry that you had a disappointment, but it sounds like you are dealing with this in such a healthy way. It's inspiring.

Welcome, turtle2who, and do NOT beat your self up for being human! I hope you had fun and learned something about where you'll place your boundaries in the future.
rubelin's Avatar rubelin 11:23 AM 06-06-2011

Yea mimim!! love.gif Don't be embarrassed about posting about it, that's usually how it happens - you let it all go and then something drops into your lap. Hope your dinner was fabulous!

 

 


turtle2who's Avatar turtle2who 07:31 PM 06-08-2011

He called and we're getting together tomorrow for a movie. Might not be the best idea but . . . .


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