May Day, May Day, I need a May Dating Thread - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 53 Old 05-08-2011, 10:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And here it is, 8 days late. smile.gif

ROLL CALL!!! Lurkers considering piping up & joining in, consider yourselves invited. Veterans like me, please recap your details & situation for any newbies.

I'm Butterfly. I have two young school-age kiddos and I'm 31 & hungry for more kiddos before 35-ish.
I date cucumber, 9-10 months now, who sends excellently mixed signals as to whether we might have a shot at a future. But, him I want. Sigh.

General question: if the relationship has no major flaws and your vision of a happy future blending him into your family is clear, plausible, & blissful, but the slow and steady pace (I.e. He tortoise, me hare) is driving you mad with insecure vulnerability about potentially losing precious remaining childbearing years, at what point do you propose to the guy already?
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#2 of 53 Old 05-08-2011, 11:16 AM
 
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Hi Butterflymom! And everyone else ;) I'm a 31 year old mother of a 3 year old boy, live alone with him, split with his dad nearly 2 years ago and re-entered the dating world about a year after our split.  I'd like to meet someone and have at least one more child before I am 35. I broke up with someone 3 weeks ago who I was serious about but turned out wasn't serious about me (we were together, long distance, 4 months). I'm doing really well, feeling very optimistic about meeting Mr Right in the near future... mulling over internet dating but really just don't want to waste my time as so much enjoying having more time to myself now - I was giving up nearly all my childfree weekends to be with my ex, and now suddenly I have time for ME!

 

I made contact with this most recent ex (called LCG) a week ago to ask him to destroy some, ahem, photos of me and to tell him I'd removed him as a Facebook friend (not to be mean, but to help me move on), and this then started a back-and-forth emailing thing sort of debriefing our relationship, which at first was painful and then reached a good place. Then my friend told me he (my ex) had been flirting with a mutual friend at my birthday dinner when we were still together. Yuck. So it's a good reality check for me... because I have felt susceptible to being sucked back in, by his very flattering, seductive emails which have got more seductive the more I have pulled back and been clear and boundaried (he didn't want to break up, but eventually revealed that he didn't see a future with me, which was a deal-breaker for me..I'm not into doing casual right now).

 

I've been working on my manifestation list of what I am looking for in a man, and it just is so inspiring to read it and to write about all the stuff we are going to do together! Doing this stuff really works at getting my head in a place where i not only feel I deserve it, but I actually expect it! Looking back, I can see how each relationship taught me more about what I want and need in a relationship, and so there were no mistakes...I have been refining and getting better 'quality' men each time.As to your question ButterflyMom, I wish I knew the answer, but I think personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable making the first move in the more commitment direction. That's just me though. Keep us posted!

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#3 of 53 Old 05-08-2011, 07:23 PM
 
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Haven't been here awhile but need to jump back in. I just moved into a new place and have just gotten settled in now. I was sort of seeing someone (online meeting) for about 2 months but only saw him probably 5 times due to my lack of kid-free time and his own schedule. It was nothing serious and I wasn't too invested in it but was having fun being able to go out with someone and have that bit of romance in my life. Anyway this weekend we had planned to go out sat night but the last I heard from him was wednesday via text. it's very strange and I even texted him today just asking if everything was ok and have not gotten a response. I hope he at least gives me some kind of good bye just so I know nothing bad happened to him!

So anyway that's probably over, he lives an hour away anyway and like I said I have very little free time. I know i should just take a break from dating and focus on other things, like getting my divorce final and all that but I can't help but feel like I want more dates! :) it was fun going out and having that time with another adult. I have lots of great things planned with my kids this summer and am looking forward to doing things with them of course but can't I have both :)

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#4 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 07:17 AM
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Mixed signals are totally not OK with me right now. I'm feeling the child-bearing years tick away as well, but I'd rather get no more babies than get another baby with a lukewarm person.

 

I'm on an active path of getting myself financially sustainable for GOOD! If, once that's underway, a father for my next kids shows up, yay. If not, I can get my babies without a partner, and raise them how I want with no interference. And at the rate I'm going, there's a darn good chance I'll age out before the $ isn't funny.

 

That said, ButterflyMom: If you imagine that he's just a little shy and not playing games, maybe asking is the right thing?

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#5 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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i'm 31.  two preschool boys.  10 months out.  no dating happening, but i went out both nights this weekend and have crushes on, like, 100 people.  i really want someone to like me.

 

remember a few months ago when i said i "met someone" who asked for my number, and i was totally ecstatic and said even if we don't end up doing anything (because i told her i wasn't dating yet and wasn't ready for a relationship), i was super happy just to have been asked?  yeah.  that was three months ago.  the happiness has worn off.  i really just want to feel likeable and wantable!  i want attention, which makes me feel pathetic.  i do have a super foxy internet girlfriend (thank you mdc!), but i want something to happen in real life. 

 

so yeah.  that's where i'm at.  i really don't mind being single, but i do mind being celibate, but i don't want to be random and i know myself well enough to know that i will care even if i think i won't.  also, i know i should be, like, working on myself.  i haven't been to therapy since november, which was one isolated appointment after not having gone since june.  so yeah - one appointment post split.  not good.  but i just don't feel like it. 

 

i'm going to lurk here for a while longer.  however, if i ever get asked out (or randomly kissed), you ladies will be the first to know!

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#6 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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I'm Jen, I turn 32 this week, have a three year old son, and I'm in lurve. The Incredibly Nice Guy and I have been dating for seven months now, things are going great, and a little bit down the road, I have every intention of marrying him. So yeah. I'm pretty stoked.


Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#7 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Gosh, so many of us are right around the same age!  Funny.

 

I do hate the mixed signals.  Major 'dropping the ball' over the weekend when it came down to making space in his life to spend quality time building rapport with my children.  It's more than half a year after I initiated the 'I would like to spend more time the 4 of us so you can get to know my kids' topic of discussion, and on our holiday abroad last month with his family, I initiated the discussion again with greater seriousness over a dinner just the two of us and he said all the right things.  Then, somehow, it just doesn't happen.  He has 'errands' or needs 'to go to the post office and pick up a package and then hit the gym' or 'sleep until noon' on his weekends (he works like 10-12 hours a day or even more if he's on a business trip during the week, so I get that his weekend hours are kinda precious to do things other than work and such) and then afternoons that could have been spent doing lovely things with me and my boys just don't happen.  I'm getting frustrated.

On the other hand, this man is SO honest and claims that he is in no way ignoring the fact that I am a package deal,  and that he wants to spend more time with them, etc.... he just acts like we have all the time in the world and is Mr. Snail about this, as he is about so many other things (saying 'I love you' or indicating that he thinks I might be the one for him, etc).

 

Yesterday it popped out of his mouth an idea of what vacation we could take after the holidays next winter.     Yes, seriously.  We will have been together 18 months by then, for goodness sakes, and he is in no way not privy to the whole childbearing issue nor wanting to postpone his own procreation plans indefinitely, as he imagines himself, only partially kidding, (at 34!) to be way over the hill already, and especially not wanting to put off kids until his parents are so old they won't have as much time to enjoy a grandparent relationship with them.   He wouldn't imagine us staying together a year, two years, etc in that ballpark if he DID NOT clearly imagine a possible future with me, right?  I don't' think he would.  He's not obtuse.  He wouldn't try to waste my years for nothing.

 

That said, I'm giving him the summer without pushing too much.  I respect that his pace is slow and steady and he gives a lot of signals that he is very very serious about me (um, holidays with all his family, including at his mom's at Christmas, going abroad with them, and next month another holiday weekend with all his siblings and their significant others at his mom's farm house, which is a 4 hour drive away--and remember this man dated no one else during the previous 7 years, so him having ANY girlfriend, much less one he's blending into his family, is kinda huge in and of itself).

 I want to see him acknowledge our one year anniversary in July if he can possibly remember it and maybe even do something romantic (offer a gift, a special night out, etc)......, and hopefully then, or by the end of summer when we're celebrating my kids' birthdays (he'd better be there) and then hopefully acknowledge my 32nd birthday in September in a special way.......,  and, eventually there must be some sort of verbal initiation on his end about a future or possibility thereof.  If not, I'll tell him I love him and I want us to be a family and just see what he says.  It'll hurt if he tells me he doesn't see it, but in the long run it's best that I hear it and accept it and move on in a timely fashion.

 

What do ya'll say:  is 13-14 months an adequate time frame of 'just dating' (without explicit talk of anything besides the said dates) to lay down the gauntlet and show your hand and every other euphemism for addressing the elephant in the room that I can think of and just FINDING OUT already..... or is it too soon?  too late?   Remember this man's pace is SO different from my own, and he is the slow, deliberate, thoughtful, sure, responsible, steady kinda guy who has never once gotten swept up into anything and rushed into anything in his life.  It took him 11 dates to even become more than platonic pals with me because he had to be 100% sure he was ready to date a single mom, since that was brand new territory to him and something he had never before thought of so needed to explore in his mind thoroughly before moving forward.  So living under the same roof as me and my kids will surely be something that takes more than 11 dates or even 11 months of dating, and that's fine.  But.... given the lack of even uttering the L word or much similar.... I'm wondering if we are just FWB with no prayer of a future life together and I don't even know it.  meh.

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#8 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 12:49 PM
 
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Hey everyone... I'm a recently divorced mamma to a 10-yo and 5-yo.  Not looking for anything serious since I'm new to being single and enjoying it immensely!  Casually dating 2 guys who I've mentioned here before (my young FWB and text-guy).  Both much younger than me... someone mentioned the 38 year old cutoff that many men have but I'm 43 and have younger guys paying attention to me all the time.  I'll take it!  Things got weird with both guys earlier this spring but I let them both know I don't take any BS, that I don't want anything serious, that I was perfectly ok without them and now they are both super sweet and respectful and are both reaching out to me for dates.  It seems the less I contact them the more they are interested.  I'm not doing it to play games I'm just busy with kids and work and girlfriends.  

 

I really think text-guy just had a case of foot-in-mouth disease and is not a manipulator at all and I forgave FWB for blowing me off since it was his bday, he was hanging out with his buddies, he apologized profusely and I've been hanging out with him for 5 months and it's the 1st time it ever happened.

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#9 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 03:17 PM
 
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Checking in for the month of May: I'm Molly, 36, have three kids, split with my exh in late 2007, been in love with a guy who cultivated an unstable, stressful relationship for most of the time since then, ended things with him in January. I'm definitely not interested in any more babies, probably not interested in marriage or cohabitation, but I would like to have a companion. Although I'd love it if I could fall in love again, I'll settle for finding someone whom I admire and enjoy. Recently, I've been seeing three guys who each have some potential and am planning to take a bit of time to see what develops with each. So, I'm very happy and relaxed about this dating stuff right now, but still have an eye out for someone amazing.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#10 of 53 Old 05-09-2011, 03:31 PM
 
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Butterflymom, if Cucumber says he's not interested in having a family with you, will you break things off with him? Or what if he wants you in his life forever, but will always be an adjunct to the family that you have already?

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#11 of 53 Old 05-10-2011, 01:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We both want to settle down, so if he doesn't want to partner up with me, we need to break up so we can find other partners. Friendship won't work out because he when he does find a woman, he'll have a hard enough time making space in his life for HER, that there wouldn't be room for me also. Plus most partners are jealous of the attractive, vivacious ex-girlfriend & he probably wouldnt be "allowed" to see me (this always happens).
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#12 of 53 Old 05-10-2011, 10:25 AM
 
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Quote:
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We both want to settle down, so if he doesn't want to partner up with me, we need to break up so we can find other partners.

Then you don't really have any time to waste. I know you feel really hesitant to talk about this stuff with him, but it's been close to a year right? You know you want to be with him for the long haul; it's seems fair to ask him to decide soon whether he wants the same from you.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#13 of 53 Old 05-10-2011, 11:09 AM
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We both want to settle down, so if he doesn't want to partner up with me, we need to break up so we can find other partners.



Then you don't really have any time to waste. I know you feel really hesitant to talk about this stuff with him, but it's been close to a year right? You know you want to be with him for the long haul; it's seems fair to ask him to decide soon whether he wants the same from you.


I know you didn't specifically ask, but I'd be hesitant to give him the summer. I might break it off for a time, even, and gain some additional perspective. Tell him he can call you if he decides to get serious, but in the meantime, you have to keep searching for the right thing? I don't know....It just sounds like you're setting yourself up in a bad way to wait on him...if you've been clear about your goals, that is.

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#14 of 53 Old 05-11-2011, 04:52 PM
 
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We both want to settle down, so if he doesn't want to partner up with me, we need to break up so we can find other partners. Friendship won't work out because he when he does find a woman, he'll have a hard enough time making space in his life for HER, that there wouldn't be room for me also. Plus most partners are jealous of the attractive, vivacious ex-girlfriend & he probably wouldnt be "allowed" to see me (this always happens).


I just read Temptations of the Single Girl by Nina Atwood and would highly recommend it to you. It really put some things in perspective for me and gave me a lot to thing about. It's talks about this girl named Kelly and all the dating mistakes she makes and how she changes her life. She's a big believer in making sure your visions and values match up, bringing up the elephants in the room and risk breaking up now rather than down the road, etc.

 

As for my contribution I'm still seeing Funny Guy. There are some concerns I have (mostly in the age difference and whether we're in different places in life) but so far he has always followed through, been there for me, is very secure, etc. I have had a number of whirlwind, fast moving relationships in my past and his pacing is very slow compared to what I'm used to but I feel it's much healthier. I'm learning a lot about relationships and feel very much at peace right now. I honestly felt he was always the non committal type (he's an older guy who never married) but I'm really surprised this morning when he mentioned some "if we ever decide to get married" things today. I have always enjoyed his company but never thought we would be capable of more since he says marriage is outdated and similar things.

 

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#15 of 53 Old 05-11-2011, 05:00 PM
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Do you all ever read the 'Best Of' on CL? Some really amazing stuff on there for laughs and insights. Here's a link to one that could have been written "by" my most toxic love interest ever.

 

There are others, that serve different purposes. Probably time better spent than reading most actual online personal ads.

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#16 of 53 Old 05-11-2011, 05:49 PM
 
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AttunedMama, that sounds rather familiar to me too.


But seriously, why am I sooooo lukewarm (at best) on all these perfectly nice men I meet? I've met some excellent "catches" who seem really into me, but I just can't muster up any enthusiasm.

Sometimes I think I should stop dating until I am no longer looking for a mentally healthy version of my exbf.

On the other hand, I have basically always wanted a mentally healthy version of him, so that might never happen.

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#17 of 53 Old 05-11-2011, 11:56 PM
 
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AttunedMama, that sounds rather familiar to me too.


But seriously, why am I sooooo lukewarm (at best) on all these perfectly nice men I meet? I've met some excellent "catches" who seem really into me, but I just can't muster up any enthusiasm.

Sometimes I think I should stop dating until I am no longer looking for a mentally healthy version of my exbf.

On the other hand, I have basically always wanted a mentally healthy version of him, so that might never happen.


 

Mimim, have you read 'Women who love too much'? I found that book really insightful into why we get attracted to 'bad' guys and are bored by 'nice' guys with whom a healthy relat could actually develop. It helped me a lot.

 

I am feeling SO over LCG, I now find it quite ridiculous that I was ever so into him. This weekend will be a good 'test' though of this, as I will be staying at his house (while he's away) with his housemate who is my friend. I think I'll be okay though.

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#18 of 53 Old 05-12-2011, 09:56 AM
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Mimim, have you read 'Women who love too much'? I found that book really insightful into why we get attracted to 'bad' guys and are bored by 'nice' guys with whom a healthy relat could actually develop. It helped me a lot.

 

I am feeling SO over LCG, I now find it quite ridiculous that I was ever so into him. This weekend will be a good 'test' though of this, as I will be staying at his house (while he's away) with his housemate who is my friend. I think I'll be okay though.



Why ever would you want to find out, though, honey? Why stay at his house?

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#19 of 53 Old 05-12-2011, 10:16 AM
 
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 Hi ! I'm monkey's mom, mama, to an awesome 10 year old boy whom I raise completely on my own. I've posted occasionally, and lurk a little more often. I'm a nurse, and have recently found myself with a lot more down time on my night shifts, so I can see myself spending more time here.

 

 Anyhow, I've been single for ( !!!!) 4 years. and I'm only 31. I loved being single, still do, I think? but have started to think about the future, and I think I would like to meet someone and settle down. Up until now, I've done the occasional dating, had fun meeting people, and have been genuinely happy being surrounded by friends, my son, and loving my job, and being so busy that I haven't really missed having a partner. I had a fairly long relationship with a guy that I met when my son was 2, and it was so awesome in that he totally gave me my freedom, and was so supportive of me being a young single mom trying to find my way, that I've been finding it hard to meet someone, because I keep comparing guys to him. He fit in with my friends, loved my son ( we now live two blocks away from each other and he  still sees him at least 5 days out 7), we share a dog, and still talk just about everyday. And enjoy each other as friends. I've recently ( well always kind of knew, but chose to ignore it) that he and I need to take a step a way from each other, because spending time together the way we do, neither one of us is lacking in companionship, or intimacy in the sense that we tell each other everything. And the sex part of it, well that's what the occasional dating is for.  But, neither one of us feels the need to put any effort into any other relationship, because we aren't really lacking anything.I can't step away from it completely because of my child,  he and I need to work something out, but after 8 years, I don't know how we would even begin to separate our lives. My friends became his friends over the years, and our group of friends is very tight knit and we spend a lot of time with each other, so, this will be difficult. It also doesn't help that everyone is always telling us how good we are together, and people telling me that finding a guy who has such a bond with my son is a rarity...I'm getting tired of it. He and I have discussed it so many times, and want such completely things from a partner, that we will never be more than close friends. Heaven knows we have tried.

 

 I also feel that by having a child when I was 20, I missed out on a lot of learning how to " be out there" dating. My twenties were spent making a life for myself and my son, and now that we are finally in a place we are settled, I'm kind of like, huh? People are getting married and having children, and here I am with my ten year old, thinking, what did I miss, how did all of this happen for you guys? The relationship I mentioned was one I just fell into, as one can do when you're 22 and don't really put much thought into it, because you don't need to. Easy as, " ooooh, you have long hair and play guitar, I think I like you." Not so easy now. So much more to consider when people are settled in their lives.

 

 

 

 

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#20 of 53 Old 05-12-2011, 10:49 AM
 
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That is so hilarious and true
 

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Do you all ever read the 'Best Of' on CL? Some really amazing stuff on there for laughs and insights. Here's a link to one that could have been written "by" my most toxic love interest ever.

 

There are others, that serve different purposes. Probably time better spent than reading most actual online personal ads.



 

 

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#21 of 53 Old 05-13-2011, 01:35 AM
 
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Why ever would you want to find out, though, honey? Why stay at his house?


I'm friends with his housemate and I'm visiting her,and staying over to break a long journey on the way to a workshop for a course I am doing. It was arranged back when me and LCG were still together. It's not something I would have chosen to do, (I could have just met my friend somewhere else if I Just wanted to see her), but as I can't afford a hotel it's the practical solution right now. I think it'll be fine :)

 

Monkey'smom, I can realy relate to the thing of randomly getting together with someone just because they play guitar etc - DS's dad was like that, he told me he played bass and I was like, I'm there! And then suddenly I've got a child with him and it's affecting the rest of my life etc. Not that we didn't honestly love each other and he was very committed to me...but I just couldn't hack it with his drinking. I also know what you mean about looking around and suddenly everyone's married. I feel like I haven't grown up in some ways, because I know so many people who've been in 10, 12 year relationships and are married or about to get married.

 

But I'm feeling optimistic because last night I went to a dance workshop (which I felt really intuitively CALLED to go to, it was one of those last minute things), and there was a really nice guy there, really cute, funny and sweet, and we had some nice dances together where I could feel the chemistry. (Who knows if he did though). I hope I bump into him again - we have a mutual acquaintance so it is possible.... it was nice to have something potential on the horizon, so we'll see!

 

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#22 of 53 Old 05-14-2011, 09:49 AM
 
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Devaya, I looked up the book, but it doesn't really seem to apply to me. I don't have a habit of falling for "bad boys". It's just this one specific person and the things I miss about him are NOT the bad things. Thanks for the suggestion though!

I had a 3rd date on Thursday night with a guy who seemed to have some potential. I was telling him about how I was going to be evaluated on my teaching practices by my district supervisor the next day and how it was a big deal and my department had been going nuts getting ready for this all week. It also happened to be "pajama day" at my school, so during the evening my co-workers had a hilarious email thread running where they were describing the most ridiculous things they could think of to wear to school for pajama day. I contributed to the thread that I was going to wear my (fictional) bondage gear. So the next afternoon this guy texts me. Doesn't ask about the evaluation, but only refers to "bondage pajamas". Hours later, I responded that it was the "day from hell. PJs made it almost bearable." His answer? He went commando to work in honor of pajama day at my school. WTF? No "sorry your day sucked" or "how did your evaluation go?" ???

I think that's just cause for dropping him. It implies that he only heard "bondage gear" and everything else I said to him went right over his head. I'm not interested in a purely sexual relationship with him and I have better options for that level of relationship anyway. But do you think I'm overreacting? I know I tend to get really nit-picky about things like this, but I think even if I really really liked him otherwise, I'd be turned off by this.
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#23 of 53 Old 05-15-2011, 01:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I spent the whole day yesterday at an amusement park with my kids..... + Cucumber! He did really well with us, very laid-back & easy to blend in.
Afterwards we went grocery shopping, and made food at his place. He let them jam with him on his equipment in his music studio, and I snapped pics & videos with my phone (my mom loved them!).

I'm feeling like things are heading in the right direction. Give him the summer...? You betcha. I'm hooked on him.
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#24 of 53 Old 05-15-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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I know you didn't specifically ask, but I'd be hesitant to give him the summer. I might break it off for a time, even, and gain some additional perspective. Tell him he can call you if he decides to get serious, but in the meantime, you have to keep searching for the right thing? I don't know....It just sounds like you're setting yourself up in a bad way to wait on him...if you've been clear about your goals, that is.


I lurk in here because I have lots of single mama friends.  I have to say I agree with the above.  When you know, you know.  If he is saying all the right things but his actions don't back it up you are not picking up on his signals.  If he wants to be with you and realizes your kids are part of the deal, he will make time to be with them.  It sounds like he is getting everything he wants out of the relationship and you are hoping in the future he will give you what you want.  It took a lot of hard experiences for me to have that perspective.  You "train" others how to treat you.  With my current DH, he moved in with me after 3 months.  We then bought a house together about a year later in November.  I told him then, that if we are buying a house together he better be serious and I wanted marriage.  He had to either put up or shut up 'cause I was going to walk away and find someone who wanted what I did.  He proposed in January and we have been together 10 years.  When we were dating he always said to me, "Guys do what they want to do and won't do what they don't want to do.  They will play games to get what they want."  Don't be his game.  If you leave and he is serious about you, he will come get you.  If he wasn't serious and just stringing you along, you'll already be moving on.

 


goorganic.jpgwife to footinmouth.gif, currently WOH and geek.gif on my doctorate. (I'm dissertating!) We: novaxnocirc.giftoddler.gifgd.giffamilybed1.gif  with DS (4/09)!
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#25 of 53 Old 05-15-2011, 06:15 PM
 
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I need in....*sigh* my ex left (for another woman) 2 yrs ago last month.  I still haven't dated.  Not for a lack of trying, but I just dont have anywhere to meet men.  I tried online, because i work from home and never leave home except to grocery shop.  The only messages I get are from married men, or really unappealing men that are polar opposite of me or just want sex.  *Sigh*  I am not bad looking, but I am overweight, and apparently no one wants someone who is overweight (5'10-220).  I also think men don't exist anymore that want housewives.  All the profiles are looking for "strong independant women" and, well, that isn't me :(

 

I am so lonely I cry myself to sleep almost nightly.  My kids are 3 & 5 so still young....

 

 


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#26 of 53 Old 05-16-2011, 11:38 AM
 
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I need in....*sigh* my ex left (for another woman) 2 yrs ago last month.  I still haven't dated.  Not for a lack of trying, but I just dont have anywhere to meet men.  I tried online, because i work from home and never leave home except to grocery shop.  The only messages I get are from married men, or really unappealing men that are polar opposite of me or just want sex.  *Sigh*  I am not bad looking, but I am overweight, and apparently no one wants someone who is overweight (5'10-220).  I also think men don't exist anymore that want housewives.  All the profiles are looking for "strong independant women" and, well, that isn't me :(

 

I am so lonely I cry myself to sleep almost nightly.  My kids are 3 & 5 so still young....

 

 


Surrogate, I'm so sorry to hear what happened, and that you are experiencing such loneliness. *Hugs*. What I have learned in the past 1 1/2 years of being single with a small child is that when my confidence was knocked, (which it was after the end of my relationship and after a lot of the stuff I endured IN that relat), I would attract men who reflected that back to me - men who treated me badly or were just emotionally unavailable. I've got some audio stuff I got from another MDC-er (single mother) about getting to the point in yourself where you feel confident of being able to attract a worthy mate, and it's really been helping me. There is stuff on there about being overweight, and how people who are overweight (or whatever you think the obstacle is, being a housewife or whatever - I know for me it was having a small child and very little free time or money that made me feel I had little to offer) still found someone that was right for them once they changed their mindset around it. There is someone out there that can appreciate and love you as you are, and everyone deserves that...but you need to believe you deserve it first. I know that's hard to take in from where you are at now, but it's only been a month and you can slowly but surely move to that place (or more quickly if you want!) All the best to you.

 

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#27 of 53 Old 05-16-2011, 02:06 PM
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 I've got some audio stuff I got from another MDC-er (single mother) about getting to the point in yourself where you feel confident of being able to attract a worthy mate, and it's really been helping me.

 


Do you have more info on this, Devaya? 

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#28 of 53 Old 05-16-2011, 03:06 PM
 
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Thank you Devaya!  Actually it has been 2 years (2 yrs last month) but it still feels so fresh...I would love more info on that audio stuff :)


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#29 of 53 Old 05-16-2011, 06:01 PM
 
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Welcome Surrogate =) I get where you're coming from, even with all the work I do on myself, it's hard to face the fact that I don't fit the cultural ideals for dating. Though, I have to remind myself that I don't want to date just anyone, I want someone amazing and that this time alone is more time I have to create a life I love living even without a partner.

 

The audio stuff that Devaya mentioned is from my friend, Kathryn Alice, who leads workshops on finding love. She's got lots of amazing products to help in finding your soulmate and  releasing a person (both things we all understand!) on her website http://kathrynalice.com - and I have some other free material she's released in the last couple of years. I'd be happy to pass them on to anyone who sends me a PM with your email addy. They are big files so it takes a few emails to send them through but I think they are totally worth it. She does really lovely guided meditations that I often do when I'm having trouble sleeping 'cause I'm stressed out and worrying. Oh, and she was a single momma for 10 years before she met her sweetie and they now have 2 more kids together (both conceived in her mid- 40's) so she gives me lots of hope just as a friend, besides the amazing work she does.

 

 

 

edited 'cause I can't spell!


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#30 of 53 Old 05-17-2011, 11:08 AM
 
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Welcome Surrogate =) I get where you're coming from, even with all the work I do on myself, it's hard to face the face that I don't fit the cultural ideals for dating. Though, I have to remind myself that I don't want to date just anyone, I want someone amazing and that this time alone is more time I have to create a life I love living even without a partner.

 

Rubelin, you've really hit the nail on the head here for me. This is why I have no inclination to go 'dating', as in just doing it for the sake of it (although this could change!), because I know that right now I'm building a solid foundation for myself, and that is so much more important than scattering my energy with different men...when I know what I want. I'm so excited because a really good friend of mine (in real life, not virtual!) is also doing this soulmate stuff now after a recent relat breakup and we're going to read our lists to each other and brainstorm and generally support each other in this process. I find it really helps when someone close to you is on the same page and BELIEVES in this stuff as much as you do.

 

And Surrogate, oops, I misread your post, but even if it's two years, the pain can be as fresh... a boyfriend years ago who I think I loved more than anyone else I've been with (we were together 4 years) left me for another woman and it took years to take the sting out of that. Now I've got to the point where I can see where they were both coming from and understand what happened and not take it personally. But it was a journey, that's for sure!

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